Two Space Aliens and a Sex Study

The title of this post was a spoof on the title of my old blog called Two Catholic Men and a Blog, and was born of my amazement that any educated human being would accept same-sex marriage as something even remotely plausible. Mind you that I’m not talking about theological plausibility, but strictly reasoning based on a secular or atheistic worldview.

Those who agree that marriage should only be defined as one man and one woman are sometimes said to hold to the Biblical definition of marriage, but which came first, the chicken or the egg? Which came first, opposite sex marriage or the Bible? How many citizens of Japan, China, India, Ancient Egypt, Ancient Greece or Ancient Rome would say (or would have said) their view on opposite sex marriage is Biblically based or based on Judeo-Christian values?

Defining marriage the same way humans reproduce isn’t just some sort of weird coincidence, but since emotions run very high with this topic, we quickly lose objectivity, so let’s consider a most objective scenario outside of any human society…

Two space aliens (let’s call them Kang and Kodos), have come to Earth to study the sexual behavior of the planet’s most highly evolved species. This is of great interest since this alien species from planet Rigel IV reproduces asexually; they have no detailed knowledge of heterosexual reproduction or any sexual behavior involving more than one member of a species.

Kang and Kodos have also never heard of marriage until they came to Earth, since there is no need for such an institution on their planet. Additionally, our alien friends know nothing of the Bible or God, although the inhabitants of Rigel IV often do wonder about “The First Cause” and what a curious thing an uncaused cause would be.

Don’t worry; these aliens have no intention of harming us, in fact they wish to help us evolve and “progress” as a species. Part of the overall mission is not only to learn about our sexual behavior, but to study how our sexual behavior can help the common good of all humans. In fact, the main question their mission seeks to answer is “What’s the best way to continue the human race?”

And so…our alien advocates objectively observe and report on the following human sexual behaviors with no discussion of right or wrong; good or evil.

  1. Rape
  2. Incest
  3. Bestiality
  4. Prostitution
  5. Masturbation
  6. Sexting
  7. Random sex between consenting homosexuals
  8. Random sex between consenting heterosexuals
  9. Exclusive, but temporary sexual relationships between consenting homosexuals
  10. Exclusive, but temporary sexual relationships between consenting heterosexuals
  11. Exclusive and permanent sexual relationships between consenting homosexuals
  12. Exclusive and permanent sexual relationships between consenting heterosexuals


Since thinking means connecting things, Kang & Kodos have made some connections…

Connection #1: Sexual coupling between human males & females tends to create human offspring…although not in all cases.

Connection #2: Sexual coupling in context of behavior #12 above tends to create stable and productive offspring within basic cells of human society called “family-units”…although not in all cases.

Connection #3: Sexual behaviors #1 – #11 tend not to achieve what has been realized in connection #2 and, additionally, tend to cause or accentuate problems for humans such as unwanted offspring, disease, poverty, sexual addictions and other emotional & physical trauma…although not in all cases.

Kang & Kodos have also drawn conclusions from the facts and the connections:

It is in the best interest of human society to encourage and support behavior #12 for their continued existence and progressive evolution. Behavior #12 is unique among all the other sexual behaviors/relationships observed in terms of its procreative, unitive & stabilizing effects on human society.

Until very recently (like about 2 seconds ago), only behavior #12 has been called “marriage” by humans for millennia. Kang & Kodos have learned that although many human relationships, other than marriages, have tremendous personal significance to those involved; the fact that humans do not call them marriages is not evidence of intolerance, but recognition of reality. The reality that best answers the mission question …“What’s the best way to continue the human race?”

Thank you Kang & Kodos! I couldn’t have said it better myself!