As God is My Witness, I Thought Turkeys Could Fly


Well actually some Turkeys can.  Wild Turkeys can fly, albeit clumsily and not more than about 100 yards at a time.  Domestic Turkeys, bred for the table, cannot fly, largely due to their overdeveloped chests, home to all that prized white breast meat.  I don’t know if the publicity stunt would have fared much better with terrified flying wild Turkeys landing near onlookers.  Some things man simply was not meant to meddle with, and that includes dropping Turkeys from great heights.

PopeWatch: Sheep Dip



From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

A new terrorist video put out today by Starbucks shows the latest batch of Christmas killers being trained by the terror group called “Barista.”

The 9-minute propaganda video released by Starbucks shows masked trainees wielding non-festive red cups and making inflammatory remarks such as “Happy Holidays” in an unknown location in Seattle, Washington.

The chilling video of green-clad barista terrorists standing behind a counter serving paying hostages moments before serving them Gingerbread Lattes in red cups with no mention of Christmas on them is being called one of the most terrifying images of our times.

In the video, the barista terrorists are seen smiling as they clearly undermine the saving power of Christ. The paying hostages are forced to pay for lattes and frappuccinos as a tattooed barista announces, “Thank you…have a great day,” without once mentioning Christmas. The paying hostages, who apparently chose to become hostages, are then given a chilling smile before each is forced to wait for their drink to arrive. The 9 minute-long propaganda video goes on to show terrified hostages receiving their drinks in little red cups that neither mention Christmas or Holidays.

In another part of the video, a barista is heard asking whether the hostage would like a receipt, instead of reciting the Nativity narrative from the Bible word-for-word to the hostage as is done in more civilized parts of the world.

“This is perhaps one of the most sickening videos I’ve ever seen,” said Christian pastor Thomas Hayes who was once a hostage himself. “I believe these barista terrorists are trying to send a clear message: “If you’re going to enjoy a warm latte on a cold winter evening, you’re going to have to convert to corporate paganism.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Beanie Babies



From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:


The Vatican’s leaks scandal intensified Tuesday after a book detailing the millions of euros Vatican officials used to purchase Beanie Babies and in-app Clash of Clans upgrades was published.

Although “Merchants in the Temple,” by journalist Roberto Nuzzi is due out Thursday, EOTT was able to obtain an advance copy. Its publication comes just days after the Vatican announced the arrests of two high-ranking officials who reportedly spent close to € 157,000 on pogs.

The arrests of the Vatican officials marks a new chapter in what many are calling “Vatileaks,” which began in 2012 and peaked with the conviction of Pope Benedict XVI’s butler on charges he spent upwards of 3.7 million euros on Super Soakers, Tickle Me Elmos, and Slap Bracelets.

After Benedict retired, Francis was elected with a mandate from his fellow cardinals to reform the Vatican bureaucracy and clean up its finances. He set out to create a commission of experts to gather information from all Vatican offices to see where the money was going.

“Holy Father…there is a complete absence of transparency in the bookkeeping both of the Holy See and the Governorate,” five auditors wrote Francis in 2013, according to Nuzzi’s book. “Costs are out of control and it is quite difficult to meet with anyone, due to the fact that many in the Vatican are often too busy playing Candy Crush.”

It goes on to mention that Vatican officials had spent all of 2014’s Peter’s Pence money in just over two months on Clash of Clans gem upgrades.

“Every day I walk the streets of Rome and see the homeless and other citizens of this city,” one anonymous Vatican official told EOTT. “Not on purpose…I mean I’m not trying to see them. I’d rather not see them, but since the homeless and other Romans are there walking, I am often forced to look up so I do not trip, but when I look up, I begin to lose in Clash of Clans. When I lose, I need to spend more money on the app. Since it is typically the fault of a drunk homeless man bumping into me on my way to work, then it should be the homeless man that pays for the in-app purchase. But they have no money, so I simply take it from Peter’s Pence. And like that, we are even. It all makes sense now?” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Futbol



From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:


A source close to Pope Francis this week reported to the media that His Holiness met privately in Washington last week with Tom Brady, the quarterback in New England who defied an NFL order to not deflate balls and cheat during games.

Senior Vatican officials initially did not confirm that the meeting had occurred until Wednesday afternoon, though they refused to discuss any of the details.

Mr. Brady, the star quarterback in Foxborough, Massachusetts, has been at the center of a nationwide controversy over whether quarterbacks of private football franchises have a legal right to deflate footballs used during NFL games.

On Tuesday night, Brady’s lawyer, Benjamin D. Alexander, said that Mr. Brady was sneaked into the Vatican Embassy by car on Thursday afternoon. Francis gave Brady his rosary and told him to “stay strong,” the lawyer said. Brady met for about 15 minutes with the pope, who was accompanied by security guards and aides.

“I put my hand out and he reached and grabbed the football I was spinning in my hand, and I hugged him and he hugged me,” Brady said Wednesday in an interview with EOTT. “He thanked me for my courage, then began to deflate the football. We both started laughing and we high-fived.”

“I had tears coming out of my eyes,” Brady went on to say. “I’m kind of a big deal, so it was really humbling for him to think I would want to meet or know him. It made me feel good to do something like that for somebody who’s not as good looking as I am.”

For the most part, Francis avoided any inflammatory talk about NFL controversies during his U.S. trip, and early in his papacy even signaled a tolerant attitude about cheaters with his now famous comment, “Who am I to deflate?” In his final Mass in Philadelphia just hours before his departure back to Rome, Francis said that God is revealed through the “covenant of one man and one ball.” Continue reading

An E-Mail Going Around Catholic Theological Circles



Colleagues, it is time for us to take a stand.  It has come to our attention that some of our members have come under attack from a group of right-wing Catholics who have no academic credentials:  not a theological degree among them.  As far as we can tell, none of them are even college graduates.  They are all white (of course) and all male (of course).  Some of them have produced texts that have been used against our fellow Catholic academics, often resulting in cries of heresy being raised by people who share their narrow, blinkered view of Catholicism.  This is intolerable in the twenty-first century for brilliant scholars to be held to account by ignorant yahoos.  We therefore ask you to append your names to the attached open letter and e-mail it back to us for future publication.  United, we can prevail over this assault of anti-intellectualism masquerading as Catholicism! Continue reading

PopeWatch: The Center Cannot Hold





From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:



Just days after Pope Francis called for a “healthy decentralization” of power in the Catholic Church, Bishops at the Synod have now announced that they are calling for a “healthy decentralization” of power in their dioceses, giving more decision-making authority for local pastors.

The bishops made their comments at a ceremony marking the 50th anniversary of the founding of the Synod of Bishops, a worldwide gathering of bishops that occasionally does something worthwhile.

Cardinal Walter Kasper told those gathered that the type of collegiality envisioned by the Second Vatican Council still had not been achieved, and that it was not too late for pastors themselves to decentralize their own authority, and to give more decision-making authority to their parishioners.

“Pastors and even parishioners should have more authority to make decisions affecting themselves rather than always looking to the Catechism of the Catholic Church or Canon Law for a centralized decision that has to fit all,” he said.

Local pastor Fr. Devin Hayes told parishioners after reading an email from his bishop about the decentralization that he “had to take action immediately.”

“I feel the need to move ahead with a healthy decentralization of our parish and to allow every parishioner his or her own authority to make decisions so you don’t always have to look to me for an answer,” Hayes wrote on the parish website. “Do what you will, knowing in full confidence that your own conscience is your Vatican. I hereby elect every one of you Pope. Habemus A Lot Of Papam, or whatever the plural is for papam.”

As the synod enters its final days, bishops will produce a final paper that the pope may use to write his own authoritative document on the issues, wherein Francis will reportedly remind bishops that they can ignore the letter altogether if they wish because of the decentralization of authority. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Satire and Reality



From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Members at the Synod on the Family have entered into one of the most controversial subjects facing the Synod: how should the Church treat gay persons who divorce their same-sex partners and remarry without first obtaining permission from the Church.

Insiders at the Synod say that bishops were divided as to how to handle the “sticky” situation regarding homosexual couples that have divorced and remarried without first obtaining an annulment from the Church.

“The annulment process is quite laborious for those whose marriages the Church does not recognize,” said one Synod insider. “If one does not have an actual marriage, how then does he or she proceed with the annulment process so that they can once again receive communion? That is the crux of the matter.”

A spokesman for the Vatican told EOTT that a number of bishops had brought up completely doing away with what they considered  “the antiquated notion of sin,” and allowing all members and non-members of the Catholic Church to receive communion.

“The idea is being proposed because no one should be excluded from the grace given when one receives communion,” the spokesman went on to say. “Let me rephrase that; not no one, but rather, most everyone should not be excluded. Those who committee such vile sins such as smoking, littering, and being heterosexual would incur latae sententiae. Naturally.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: The Hermeneutic of Saint Nicholas



From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:


A massive brawl broke out Thursday morning at the Synod during the 90-hour opening address by Hungarian Cardinal Péter Erdo, witnesses are reporting.

The brawl broke out just after Cardinal Erdo appeared to have concluded his four day opening address to the bishops before informing them that he would begin the second half of his address after a short restroom break.

Footage obtained by EOTT shows a tired and disgruntled Cardinal Walter Kasper screaming at Erdo to “shut up and get on with the communion divorce stuff” when Archbishop Charles Chaput picks up what looks to be a thurible, lights it on fire, swings it around a few times before finally launching at the head of the German Cardinal.

“It was amazing how quickly it all escalated,” one witness told EOTT. “Next thing you know, a German bishop comes in throwing copies of Laudato Si like ninja stars at people. Lot of people were hit. Blood everywhere.”

At one point, Pope Francis is seen trying to separate the Cardinals, but is eventually pushed out of the way by the rival groups.

The video also shows Cardinal Robert Sarah being helped up on a horse before being handed a shield and sword, and is then heard trying to motivate his side of cardinals during a 15-minute hiatus in the brawl.

“I am Cardinal Sarah,” Sarah is seen shouting to a large number of cardinals in front of him. “And I see a whole army of my fellow bishops, here in defiance of sin! You have come to fight as orthodox men. And orthodox men you are! What will you do without orthodoxy? Will you fight?”

One cardinal in the video is heard saying that they are outnumbered before shouting “No! We will run…and give communion to divorced couples!”

“Yes!” Sarah is heard shouting back. “Fight and you may die. Run and you will live and give communion to divorced and remarried couples at least awhile. And dying in your rectory many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance, to come back here as aging and balding men and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they will never distort our doctrine! Oh, wait, they’re distorting our doctrine. Aren’t those German bishops a sneaky bunch. Everyone run.”

At press time, Benedict has shown up and is quoted as telling Sarah and the rest of the bishops, “Not so fast,” before hiking up his cassock to get up on his own horse. Continue reading

50 Ways to Rig a Synod



Father Z brings us a musical treat:


It is my pleasure to release here the super ultra exclusive new hit from the always backward-looking performance artist Zuhlio!

With the disturbing foreknowledge that the organizing office of the Synod of Bishops was going to change the rules and procedures yet again, the artist Zuhlio teamed up with the legendary T. Ferguson (whose initials are strangely similar to those of this blog’s official parodohymnodist Fr. Tim Ferguson).

You will recall some of Zuhlio’s previous hits, which you no doubt hum to yourselves even now.  Who can forget Where Have All the Sisters Gone How about “Lady Tambourine Priest”?  How about his even bigger hit song from his urban rapper phase “Aging Hippie Paradise”. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Saved by a Dart



From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:


Pope Francis was hit with a tranquilizer dart this afternoon just moments after putting down a scripted speech to speak off-the-cuff with reporters on his flight to the U.S., officials are reporting.

In a 80-minute briefing to the media, a lighthearted Pope Francis began to speak “very candidly,” when the head of the Pope’s security team, reportedly realizing the havoc the off-the-cuff remark might have on the rest of the U.S. trip, discreetly glanced at another member of the security team and nodded. That’s when, one witness reported, the Holy Father was struck in the neck with the dart and “went down like a ton of bricks.”

“Pope Francis had just seconds earlier mentioned the words ‘do not judge;’ that’s when it happened,” said a reporter on the papal flight. “He immediately stopped talking, felt the dart in his neck, and just dropped.”

Another witness reported seeing a number of officials quickly whisking the Pope’s limp body away to private section of the plane. The dart was removed shortly thereafter, and the groggy Pontiff awoke and found himself shackled to a post away from the media for the remainder of the trip. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Environtion



From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:


In a strategic attempt to speak about abortion at the White House without being “lambasted” by the media Wednesday, Pope Francis spent the majority of his time substituting the words “environment” and “climate change” for the actual subject of his address: abortion.

“It seems clear to me that abortion, I mean climate change, is a problem which can no longer be left to a future generation,” Francis said, catching his gaffe, the first of many, during the talk. “Mr. President, I find it encouraging that you are proposing an initiative for reducing abortions, excuse me…that is, air pollution,” Francis said. “Accepting the urgency, it seems clear to me also that killing babies in the womb, sorry, I had a long flight…I meant climate change is a problem which can no longer be left to a future generation.”

Francis twice quoted his own encyclical on the environment, which many believe was actually an encyclical on abortion.

“When it comes to the care of our ‘common home’, which is not unlike that of a womb if you kinda think about it, not that I’m talking about abortion right now, of course, we are living at a critical moment of history,” he said. “We still have time to make the changes needed to bring about an end to this genocide…excuse me, did I say genocide? Weird. By genocide, I meant, a sustainable and integral development, for we know that things can change. Such change demands on our part a serious and responsible recognition of the kind of world we may be leaving to our children. Children that are procreated from the love of a man and a woman, and that are defenseless inside their mother wombs and should be protected from abor…climate change.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Annulment Prime




From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net , Eye of the Tiber:


The Vatican announced today that it’s making faster, easier annulments an option via its brand new delivery system, Annulment Prime.

The news confirms reports that surfaced last week indicating that the Vatican was staffing up a new “separation division” to compete with services offered by its protestant competitors.

The service will give Annulment Prime members faster annulment options at a fraction of the cost. As an introductory offer, members who sign up to Annulment Prime in the next two days will receive a 30-day free trial. Members will also have access to annulment paperwork order-tracking, as well as the option to track the priest working on his or her case in real-time.

The Vatican says that “customers” will see their annulments finalized and delivered within a day or less with no additional charges or delivery fees. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Year of Mercy



From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:



Pope Francis announced Tuesday that he will allow Roman Catholic women to have as many abortions as they want during the upcoming Holy Year of Mercy, MSNBC is reporting.

According to MSNBC, Francis said that he will allow women the “discretion to absolve themselves of the venial sin of abortion if they had already procured one and had a contrite heart.” They also went on to report that Francis urged women who were wanting to procure an abortion to wait until the beginning of the Year of Mercy beginning December 8 so that they would “not need a contrite heart at all.”

The MSNBC reporter told EOTT this afternoon that Pope Francis announced that the holy year was a way to promote inclusiveness no matter what the cost, saying that the Church could finally “make more evident its mission to be Episcopalian.”

The Holy Father also reportedly implored priests who offered forgiveness for abortion to “stop wasting their time, and to enjoy a year off from hearing confessions, as the Year of Mercy would be “so freaking abundant in mercy” that nothing could possibly separate the people of God from his love.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Wascally Wabbits



From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:


Just days after Pope Francis made statements supporting the Church’s ban on artificial means of birth control, media outlets from across the globe are now reporting that the “progressive” pope has finally overturned the Church’s long-standing ban on contraception for bunnies.

Speaking with reporters on a flight Monday from the Philippines to Rome, Francis encouraged Catholics to use natural family planning so as not to breed like rabbits, before going on to add that rabbits would, from now on, be allowed the use of certain forms of artificial birth control.

MSNBC Vatican analyst Reese Moore reported that although the Church’s ban on humans using birth control has sadly not been overturned, that bunny contraception was a step in the right direction.

“This is certainly a step in the right direction,” Moore told EOTT this morning. “It appears to be an unprecedented statement that bunnies too may have a moral responsibility to limit the number of their offspring. When the Pope makes a statement saying that rabbits need not breed like rabbits, it appears as though the Pope is asking rabbits world-wide to look at Catholics as an example of responsible parenthood. I firmly believe that Pope Francis is testing the waters here for something truly groundbreaking.” Continue reading

Bear Growls: Dear Reinhard

Dear Reinhard

As I have often said of some of my offspring, my bruin friend at Saint Corbinian’s Bear is “scary smart” and this piece of all too true satire will leave a mark on Reinhard Cardinal Marx:



Dear Reinhard: Is Sex With a Prostitute Adultery?

Once again, we look over the shoulder of Germany’s favorite advice columnist, Reinhard Marx, as he opens up his mailbag…

Dear Reinhard,

My wife and I have been married for eighteen years and have a six year old daughter. I love my wife, but for three years I have been seeing a sex worker in a Munich brothel, Magdalena. She is the only working girl I ever visit, and I  have fallen in love with her. Although I realize this may be less than ideal, I love both my wife and Magdalena.

I hear some people saying that this may be “adultery,” and, further, that it could be a mortal sin and maybe I shouldn’t take communion! I am a good Catholic and want to do the right thing. Surely God recognizes the stable and loving relationship I enjoy alongside my marriage? What should I do?

Muddled in Munich

Reinhard replies…

Dear Muddled:

Don’t be so hard on yourself. As the editors of the traditions gathered together under the name “Jeremiah” wrote: “The heart is perverse above all things, and unsearchable, who can know it?” Pascal, though only a Frenchman, expressed a similar sentiment when he said, “The heart has its reasons that reason knows not.” What these authors, separated by centuries, agree upon is this: you cannot control whom you love.

The important thing is that we find a way for you to feel welcome in the Church in your clandestine extramarital relationship with Magdalena. Is it right to call a committed, though unorthodox, loving relationship adultery? I think not. So enjoy the blessings of love (and love!) and do not let small-hearted naysayers keep you from communion!

I am sending you an autographed copy of Pope Francis’ friend and collaborator Archbishop Victor Manuel Fernandez’s “Heal Me With Your Mouth: the Art of Kissing.” (Sounds like you could use it!)

God bless you!

Continue reading

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