Humor

PopeWatch: Plagiarism

PopeWatch2-199x300-199x300-199x300

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

A number of paragraphs from Pope Francis’ Wednesday General Audience speech appear to have been lifted from Melania Trump’s Republican National Convention speech.

Francis aide Monsignor Guido Marini said late this afternoon that Francis wrote the speech largely on his own, telling EOTT that, “I read it once over, and that’s all. His Holiness wrote it…with as little help as possible.”

During the address, a journalist pointed out the striking similarities to Melania Trump’s speech from the night before, and a plagiarism controversy exploded. A two-paragraph section of Francis’ speech about family values bears nearly identical phrasing to Trump’s RNC address.

“My parents impressed on me the values that you pray hard for what you want in life. That your rosary is your bond, and you do what you pray and keep your promise to God. That you treat you flock with respect,” Francis told those gathered about halfway through his speech.

Compare that to Trump’s, which said, “My parents impressed on me the values that you work hard for what you want in life. That your word is your bond, and you do what you say and keep your promise. That you treat people with respect.”

Francis went on to stress the need to “pass along the faith to the many generations to follow, because we want the children of God in this Church to know that the only limit to your sanctity is the strength of your novenas and the willingness to remember not to skip a day.”

 

It’s a near mirror of a line from Trump’s speech: “pass those lessons on to the many generations to follow, because we want our children in this nation to know that the only limit to your achievements is the strength of your dreams and the willingness to work for them.”

Marini soon after responded to the controversy, saying “there is no cribbing of Melania Trump’s speech.”

“These were common words and values, and he cares about his Church,” Marini said. “To think that he would do something like that, knowing how scrutinized his speech was going to be this afternoon, is just really absurd.”

The Francis team released a statement moments go, saying part, “In writing his beautiful speech, Pope Francis’ team of writers took notes on his life’s inspirations, and in some instances included fragments that reflected his own thinking. His Holiness’ immigrant experience and love for Rome shone through in his speech, which made it such a success.”

Other questionable parts of Pope Francis’ speech were quotes such as “Ask not what your Church can do for you; ask what you can do for your Church,” “Be not scared,” and “You’re off to great places! Today is your day! Your seven storey mountain is waiting, so get on your way!” Continue reading

Bear Growls: Indigenous Blondes

 

Our bruin friend at Saint Corbinian’s Bear likes the latest video of Pope Francis:

 

The new Pope Video is out, and the Bear has to hand it to Pope Francis this time. The theme is something about indigenous people. Like, leave us alone, unless you’re giving us stuff. But it is by far the best Pope Video yet.

It begins with Daenerys Targaryen, First of Her Name, Khaleesi of the Grass Sea, The Unburnt, The Mother of Dragons, The Breaker of Chains, in indigenous Dothraki dress, stepping up to a podium in an empty hall as the usual synthesized score plays. Soft lighting behind her reveals an indigenous Dothraki royal tent and a servant steps up and begins braiding Daenerys’ hair.

Without speaking a word, she produces a horse heart and consumes it in a montage of very short takes. With her face covered in blood, she addresses the camera directly.
 “I have many titles, but now I wish to address you simply as Daenerys Targaryen, First of My Name, Khaleesi of the Grass Sea. I love my loyal indigenous Dothraki subjects, who will soon cross the Narrow Sea in wooden horses along with their mounts.

“I speak for the Sheep People, and the Wildings, as well, and all indigenous folk who do not get a clockwork city of their own in the opening credits. I’m not sure if the Ice Zombies are indigenous, but we’ll include them to be on the safe side.

“The Dothraki ways may not be yours, but they deserve to be respected. Except for that giant dome for ex-Khaleesis, which I incinerated along with everyone in it. Leave us alone. Just like we would leave you alone if I did not have an enormous fleet, Dothraki horse lords, the Unsullied, the Second Sons and a squadron of fire-breathing dragons. Oh, and that dwarf, the eunuch and the old guy with the crush on me. As if.

“Swear obedience to your rightful queen, people of the Seven Kingdoms!”

 

Fade to familiar “Pope Video” closing title. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Pope Eternal

PopeWatch2-199x300-199x300-199x300

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Pope Francis announced Sunday that he has no plans to retire from his position as the leader of the Catholic Church, or to die.

The pontiff responded to a question from a young man at the Vatican, assuring Catholics and supporters that the thought of retirement or death has not even occurred to him.

“I never thought of quitting being pope, or of leaving because of the many responsibilities,” Pope Francis told reporters. “And to those who earnestly pray that God calls me home soon, I say, neither have I thought of dying, not only because of the many responsibilities, but, more importantly, to annoy you.”

The Pontiff joked in 2014 that his papacy would only last two or three more years until he goes “off to the Father’s house,” but later told the press he was only joking, and that he planned to remain pope for the next two to three centuries.

 

Pope Francis went on to add that, although he had no intentions of “being dead” anytime in the foreseeable future, he planned to use the plenty of time he had left on this earth excommunicating one randomly selected person a day until he finally got his lifelong wish of seeing flying cars and hover boards “like you see in the movies” on the streets.

He also told the press that he planned to use some of the abundant amount of time he had left accomplishing some of the things on his bucket list.

“I would like to end world hunger, of course, but mainly, I will be working on designing a Hover Pope Mobile so that once the whole flying car thing gets going, I won’t have to wait long. They promised us that there would be flying cars in the year 2000, but they are still not here. What is the hold up? I also plan on setting a record in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest stretch of ad-lib monologue with reporters. I will be shooting for thirty-six straight hours of unscripted and uninterrupted verbal bedlam. I have been practicing for this for some time, and I’m confident I can do it.”

Continue reading

Not One of Ours

Continue reading

PopeWatch: Saint Harambe

PopeWatch2-199x300-199x300-199x300

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Animal rights activists have created an online petition asking the Congregation for the Causes of Saints to waive the sainthood waiting period for Harambe, the endangered 450-pound gorilla who was fatally shot after a boy fell into its “hermitage” at the Cincinnati Zoo.

The petition, which has already gathered over 300,000 signatures, asks Pope Francis to immediately proclaim Harambe a saint, elevating the great ape to the universal veneration of the Church.

“By canonizing Harambe, the Pope will not be making him a saint,” said Toby Porter who is spearheading the canonization effort. “We already know he’s a saint because he’s an animal, and all animals are worthy of eternal veneration regardless of whether they are dead or alive. Rather, Pope Francis will simply be declaring that our silverback gorilla is already with God and is an authentic example of following Christ, and worthy of imitation by the faithful, both human and ape.”

Porter later went on to add that he hoped Harambe would be added to the general calendar of the Church.

In response, Pope Francis announced this morning that he would be issuing a new encyclical titled, Banana Vitae, reaffirming the orthodox teaching of the Catholic Church regarding responsible conservation of animals and their habitats.

At press time, animal rights activists have also announced plans to ask Pope Francis to excommunicate the parents of the boy who fell into the gorilla “hermitage” for negligence, as well as the zookeeper who shot Harambe for violating the spirit of Laudato Si.

 

Continue reading

A Jesuit, A Dominican and a Franciscan

 

Aquinas

 

Time for a little Catholic humor, this time using the staple of Order jokes:

A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan are driving cars and have a terrible pile up.  All three are killed instantly, go to their particular judgments and receive instant admission to Heaven.  Here are their reactions as they view the vistas of the Kingdom of Love Eternal:

Franciscan:  “This is exactly how Father Francis said it would be!”

Jesuit:  “This is exactly how I thought it would be!”

Dominican:  “Hey, wait a minute!  What’s the Jesuit doing here?”

Tell your jokes in the comboxes.

PopeWatch: Emeritus

 

PopeWatch2-199x300-199x300

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Catholic blogger Nicholas Robison, best known for his blog, More Catholic Than Jesus, announced today that he has officially assumed the role of Savior of the world, ending Jesus Christ’s illustrious and often controversial reign.

The stunning news comes after years of speculation from Catholic websites that Jesus Christ was no longer able to handle the rigors of the office.

“We just feel like it’s gotten pretty obvious since the Council that He’s no longer up to the task,” roommate and spokesman for Robison, Clyde Barnes, told the press. “A whole series of bad appointments, providential allowances of culture decline, and disastrous permissions of evil have convinced us that we need a fresh approach at the very top level. He’s, frankly, been a big disappointment since Vatican II and, though we respect Jesus’ many contributions to Church history, we just think it’s time for him to be put out to pasture and let a more steady hand take the wheel.”

 

Barnes went on to say that Robison’s first order of business as savior would be to guide Pope Francis into early retirement where he would “be free to speak off-the-cuff to himself all he wanted without any repercussions,”  and that this decision would “inevitably usher in a new age of orthodoxy once he had been replaced by Cardinal Burke.”

At press time, Robison has announced that Jesus will henceforth go by the title Jesus Emeritus Christ, and that he will remain in Paradise to live out an eternal life of contemplation. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Confusion Uber Alles

 

PopeWatch2-199x300-199x300

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Pope Francis said today that he would set up a commission to study whether or not he can find more ways to confuse and frustrate the living crap out of people, revealing an openness to re-examining the church’s long-held insistence on not speaking off-the-cuff.

His move was hailed as a breakthrough by those in the media who have clamored for years to be given more stuff to speculate on, and who cite research showing that a pope whose speeches were scripted and thought out produced nothing for the media to report on, and therefore, pointless.

But the idea will face stiff resistance from some who believe that finding out whether he can indeed find more ways to confuse people is the first step toward drinking during a General Audience, which recent popes have ruled out.

 

During a discussion at the Vatican on Thursday, which at one point touched on the fact that just saying that a completely absurd idea is a possibility just because you’re put on the spot is in itself absurd, Francis was asked about the possibility of an official commission to study the issue. His response was, in essence, “Why not?”

“Constituting an official commission that might study the question of how I can make the lives of Catholics defending the Church from misinformed Catholics annoying?” Pope Francis said out loud. “I believe yes. It would do good for the Church to clarify this point.”

“I accept,” the pope said later. “It seems useful to me to have a commission that would clarify whether all of my successors should also be obliged to speak without regard to already resolved matters.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Keys

PopeWatch2-199x300-199x300

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Saying that he could’ve sworn he put them right there on top of the cabinet beside his bed, Pope Francis is reportedly frantically tearing up his apartment in search of his pair of keys to the Kingdom of Heaven that he misplaced sometime this afternoon.

“Oh, come on, Francis, you always do this!” an angry Francis berated himself as he tossed sheets to the floor, looked inside his freezer, and in the inside pockets of all of his vestments.  “Great, now you’re gonna be late for the General Audience. Ok, don’t panic. Just retrace your steps. You came home from Krav Maga, opened the door, threw the gym bag to the floor, and then went to shower. Where the heck did I put the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven? Man, today’s Purgatory transfers to Heaven are gonna be pissed when they find out they’re locked out.”

 

After looking for the keys for more than an hour, Francis reportedly made a call to Pope Emeritus Benedict, with whom he had breakfast before Krav Maga, to check whether or not he might’ve forgotten them with him.

“Nope, not with him,” Francis told EOTT after hanging up the phone. “Benedict hasn’t seen them since 2013. Pope Michael called ten minutes ago claiming he had them, but he’s just insane. Well, I suppose I’ll check beneath the bed for the twentieth time. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Mercy Killing

PopeWatch2-199x300-199x300

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

During his general audience this week in Saint Peter’s Square, Pope Francis announced the cancellation of the remainder of the Holy Year of Mercy, saying that the whole idea was a “complete and utter bust.”

“Let us not forget that God forgives and God forgives always,” Francis said. “But let us never forget that man does not forgive and will never forgive. That is one thing I have learned these past few months.”

Francis continued his statement, saying, “I was convinced that the whole Church, which has much need to receive mercy, would find in this jubilee the joy to rediscover and render fruitful the mercy of God. Boy, was I way off on that one. Way off. What is wrong with you people? Seriously, I considered keeping it going for a couple more months, but it’s clear you’re all too busy on your phones to rediscover and render fruitful the mercy of God. And the answer is no, liking a picture of Mother Theresa with a quote next to it on Instagram does not count as rediscovering anything but your laziness.”

The Jubilee, which was scheduled to end in November, officially ends today after the official closing ceremony, where Pope Francis is scheduled to take back all the graces Catholics received during the Jubilee, and to return them back to God.

 

 

Continue reading

PopeWatch: Invitation

PopeWatch2-199x300-199x300

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just days after Catholic internet personality Michael Voris revealed that he had been actively involved in homosexuality before his reversion to the faith, sources tell EOTT that the founder of The Vortex has been inundated with emails by members of the Roman Curia inviting him to visit the Vatican.

“We thought it might do him some good to just get away for a while,” one official said. “Sometimes you just gotta get away, you know? You gotta get away with some buddies, drink some beer, shoot some pool…you know, guy stuff. Maybe toss a couple throw pillows on the floor and watch a little Guys and Dolls on DVD, Lemon Drop Martinis…”

After being asked about why the sudden interest in a man that many Church officials criticized in the past, the official said, “Criticized? Who, us? No, no, we never criticized him. He’s one of us, after all. I mean…one of us as in Catholic. He’s Catholic and we’re Catholic. One of us in that way. After all, there’s no other way for him to be one of us, but to be Catholic. And a man. We’re all straight here in the Curia is what I’m getting at. What’s that? Past life, you say? He mentioned that it was part of his past as in, no longer…Oh, I see.”

At press time, Members of the Roman Curia have withdrawn their invitations, claiming they were busy washing their hair that night. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Retirement

PopeWatch2-199x300-199x300

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Pope Francis, the man who helped the Church win hundreds of thousands of converts over a 20-liturgical-year career, announced Sunday that he will retire after this liturgical season, writing “this Easter is all I have left to give.”

Francis addressed the media after this week’s loss to Islam, a humiliating defeat for the Christians after Muslims handily defeated Catholics in number of children born, saying that he made his decision “a while ago.”

“I’ve known for a while,” Francis said. “A decision like this, you can’t make that decision based on outside circumstances, so finally I’ve decided to accept that I can’t actually do this anymore, and I’m OK with that. It takes a weight off my shoulders and everybody else’s, especially those trying to defend nearly everything I say or write.”

Vatican Preacher to the Papal Household Raniero Cantalamessa, speaking before Wednesday’s General Audience, emphasized that the star pope’s “purpose is to finish out this liturgical season and pray.”

“I think he still loves the Church,” Cantalamessa told reporters. “He still has a passion for it. He’s still a spiritually competitive man.”

Cantalamessa said he was “shocked” when Francis informed him last Saturday night that he was going to announce his retirement the following day.

“He kind of shocked me when he told me,” Cantalamessa said. “I’m just sad more than anything. Somebody who I truly care about, have a lot of respect for. I think it’s always hard when greatness like Francis decides to hang it up.”

Francis’ decision is not totally unexpected, given that he has said many times in recent weeks that he has considered making this liturgical season his last. After one encyclical, a post-synodal document, and numerous impromptu plane interviews, Francis’ career is officially winding down.

“With his relentless work ethic, Pope Francis is one of the greatest popes in the history of our Church,” Vatican commissioner Arnold Silver said in a statement. “Whether honing his homily skills or practicing his thurible swings after midnight in an empty Vatican gym, Francis has an unconditional love for the Church, and we will never forget him.”

At press time, Vatican officials have announced plans to retire the name “Francis” in a ceremony next month. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Fear the Dogs of God!

PopeWatch2-199x300-199x300

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just a day after students at Indiana University mistook a Dominican for a member of the Ku Klux Klan, students and members of the faculty have been placed on high alert, with fears that the person in question could possibly be a devout Catholic praying on campus.

According to reports, Student Body President Allen Cheung wrote a post on Facebook saying, “There has been a person reported walking around campus in a Dominican outfit holding a rosary. Because the person is protected under first amendment rights, IUPD cannot remove this zealot from campus unless an act of violence is committed, like trying to convince students about the objective truths of Catholicism.”

“Please, PLEASE, PLEASE be careful out there tonight,” Cheung continued. “Always be with someone, and if you have no dire reason to be out of the building, I would recommend staying indoors lest you be indoctrinated.”

Other students also posted their own warnings on social media telling their roommates to keep safe and to remember that priests don’t approve of premarital sex or contraception, because of the “extreme hatred they have for anything fun or liberating.”

Indiana University officials put out a statement early this morning warning students to take proper precautions when going outdoors.

“We advise that students do not walk alone,” the statement read. “If you are confronted by the Dominican zealot, do not look him in the eyes, as this dangerous individual may attempt to convince you that you are a sinner, or worse, make you believe that not everything is acceptable just because it makes you feel good. Furthermore, should you run into this medieval time traveler, please remember atrocities he committed during the Spanish Inquisition, and that he has been trained in the art of manipulation and torture. If you are accused of being a witch or a Jew, admit nothing, and run to the nearest safe-space and call for help.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Holes and Pegs

 

PopeWatch2-199x300

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic News on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

WASHINGTON––In an interview with CNN’s Erin Burnett, former President Jimmy Carter talked about his letter to mathematicians. In it, Carter called on leading mathematicians to support efforts to fit square pegs in round holes.

“I asked them to join with me in doing some of these things to prevent inequality, and to prevent segregation between figures, and to prevent unnecessary discrimination between different types of shapes, and to prevent things of that kind,” Carter said.

The former president went on to say that there was a movement towards equality in the geometric community, but that mathematicians had done much to support discrimination by ‘ordaining’ that squares were not equal to circles:

“This has been done and still is done by the mathematic community ever since the dawn of geometry, when mathematicians ordained that a circle cannot fit into a square, for instance, but another square can. A circle can fit into a circle, but it can’t fit into a square. This is wrong, I think.”

The geometric community has come out in defense of only squares fitting into square holes saying that the former president “grossly misunderstands” geometry.

“Carter’s comments about the role of squares shows a gross misunderstanding of geometry,” a spokesman for the mathematic community Ashley Thompson told EOTT this morning. “As math teachers across the globe continue to remind us, a square is a plane figure with four equal straight sides and four right angles. They have a very important role in geometry. But their role is not to be a circle or even to attempt to fit into a circle.” Continue reading

Irish History, the Short Version

 

Hattip to Dale Price.  Of course it is unfair to characterize Irish history as mere drunkenness.  My sainted Mother had me listen to quite a bit of Irish music as I grew up,  and I still enjoy it, and Irish ballads also feature these elements of the Irish careening through this Vale of Tears:

 

1.   Be maniacally happy.

2.   Be maniacally sad.

3.   Blame the English for everything bad that has happened to the Irish.

4.   Celebrate an Irishman who left Ireland as soon as he was able.

5.   A celebration of the charms of rural Ireland written by someone who would have sooner died than leave Dublin.

6.   Mention the IRA, without mentioning that during the 60’s many Irish said the letters actually stood for I Ran Away.

7.   Be about the death of a beloved pet or child.

8.   Idolize near alcoholism.

9.   Mention Saint Patrick or a leprechaun.

10. Throw in a few Irish gaelic phrases for the singer to mispronounce. Continue reading

PopeWatch: The National Remnant Reporter

PopeWatch2-199x300-199x300

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

The Remnant Newspaper and The National Catholic Reporter announced yesterday that they have entered into a merger agreement to create a new entity called The National Remnant Reporter.

The organization will become the third-largest Catholic reporting organization in North America and the sixth-largest in the world.

As part of the agreement, former Reporter employees will no longer be permitted to write articles that contain more than 95 percent garbage, while Remnant employees will be asked to sign a form acknowledging that Pope Francis is not the Beast as foretold in the Book of Revelation. The USCCB will add an additional $1,000,000 into the new company to make sure the merger goes through.

“We really don’t have the money to spare, but this is a priority and an opportunity we cannot miss,” said USCCB representative Alex Puente. “I mean, how awesome would it be to witness the chaos if this thing actually goes through. That would be the best money we’ve spent in decades.”

Puentes later said in a press release, “By bringing together these two newspapers through this transaction, we are hoping to create a strong platform for Catholic humor for years to come. The combined brands will increase the level of madness in the Church. We have the utmost respect for both companies, and greatly look forward to taking, what has up till now been freaking hilarious combox feuds, to a more face-to-face and personal level, with everything recorded and posted on youtube for everyone’s viewing pleasure.” Continue reading

1 2 3 37
Follow The American Catholic
Bookmark and Share
Subscribe by eMail

Enter your email:

Recent Comments
Archives
Our Visitors. . .
Our Subscribers. . .