Humor

PopeWatch: Catfished

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Social media users are very much used to dealing with phony accounts, and Catholics in the world of Facebook and Twitter are no exception to the rule.

Pope Benedict “broke the internet” this week after admitting to using the Twitter handle “ThisCatholicPope” in order to carry on the persona of a 79-year-old pope named “Francis.”

“The fact that a pope started a Twitter account just so he could retire and still have power to hold the Catholic faithful in the palm of his hand is deplorable,” local catfished Catholic Brenda Summers told EOTT. “By doing this, he made fools of both the right and the left in the Church. He made conservatives long for his authority and wisdom, and he kept liberals at bay by writing a bunch of crap about the environment.”

After being confronted by EOTT, Benedict explained his actions and apologized outright.

“It was never anything personal. At the time, I was being really selfish…I wanted to pray and study without having to deal with the gay mafia in the Vatican. That’s the best excuse I have,” Benedict said, before adding, “Francis is someone who knows how to deal with the politics in the Church and the world. He’s my inner-popular Peter. Everyone loves him. No one ever loved me before Francis. No one ever awarded me TIME’s Person of the Year. I was just the old german who was once a member of the Hitler Youth.”

At press time, Pope Benedict is asking the Catholic faithful to forgive him and to just love him for who he is…on the inside. Continue reading

Tim Kaine’s Guardian Angel Quits

 

 

At The American Catholic we are dedicated to giving you up to date news on the election campaign.  Thus we have this report from Acts of the Apostasy:

(AoftheANews) NEW YORK – The guardian angel for Democrat Vice-Presidential candidate Tim Kaine told AoftheA News that he is quitting the Clinton campaign, and has announced his endorsement of Donald Trump.

“I’ve had it with him. Completely had it,” the angelic messenger said, relentlessly puffing on a Marlboro. “I haven’t slept in days. He’s driving me nuts. His comments on so-called same-sex marriage over the weekend were the final straw. He really thinks the Church will someday change its position. Sure, he was taught by Jesuits, but he oughtta know better.”

The bedraggled, unshaven divine host of heaven went on. “I probably should have done this when Hillary selected him, but I had hope, you know? Turns out I was just fooling myself.”

He explained that his endorsement of Trump was merely an attempt to get Kaine’s attention. “I’m hoping it’s a wake-up call,” he said, pouring himself a glass of Jack Daniels. “Shock him a bit. Once he hears I want to ‘make America great again’, he’ll come to his senses. Maybe. I’m so beyond frustrated.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Gringo Mass

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Despite efforts to figure whether they were in a Catholic or Protestant service, local parishioners were left baffled after an “animated” man wearing vestments put on a head mic and began pacing back and forth as he delivered his sermon.

“The man looked like a priest and I was quite certain I was in a Catholic Church,” said longtime parishioner Joyce Parlin who had no clue as to what the hell was going on. “But he kept pacing back and forth, ending each statement with a ‘can I get an amen?’ No one was exactly sure what he was asking for. I overheard one gentleman respond, ‘yes, I suppose,’ but the priest or pastor or whatever he was kept desperately asking if he could get more amens.”

Parlin went on to add that the priest or pastor or whatever the heck he was continually used words like “fellowship” and “ministry” during his sermon, words, Parlin admitted, she had never heard before.

“He also used the phrase ‘saved by the Blood of the Lamb,’ which I suppose is some sort of Christian take on the TV show ‘Saved by the Bell.’ Hell, I don’t know.”

At press time, the band has begun singing praise a worship as beach balls are being thrown to and fro, confirming that the event is a Life Teen Mass.

Go here to read the comments.  PopeWatch was about to call the Vatican for comment when he received a call from the Pope.  The Pope got quickly to the point.  Continue reading

PopeWatch: Plague

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

In an effort to combat what is being called a “fast-moving and highly contagious disease,” officials at the Diocese of San Diego announced today that they will begin spraying for orthodoxy this month.

Diocesan spiritual health officials will spray parts of San Diego after several individuals tested positive for orthodoxy last month.

One San Diego resident recently returned from a one week retreat at a Benedictine monastery where orthodoxy is known to be active. The individual developed symptoms before returning home.

The case was confirmed after testing at the San Diego County Public Spiritual Health Laboratory came back positive.

When diocese Orthodoxy Control inspectors visited the individual’s home, they found a breviary and books by Pope Benedict XVI nearby.

“If Benedict’s books were exposed to others living nearby, they could spread the orthodoxy,” said Janette Durante, Deputy Director of Doctrinal Laxity. “It’s very important for Catholics to inspect in and around their parishes and to toss out anything that comes even close to resembling proper catechesis.”

This Sunday, spiritual officials plan to go door-to-door leaving notifications for Catholics to inform them of where the spraying will occur.

To minimize your exposure to the “anti-ortho” spray, diocesan officials recommend staying inside, closing bibles and catechisms, and covering up crucifixes, although a standard cross without the corpse or a resurrexifix is fine to keep out. Continue reading

Larry the Lobster Assumes Room Temperature

 

It would take a heart of stone not to laugh at this:

 

The 2016 Larry was saved from the stockpot, too. He was destined for dinner when several concerned citizens worked with a group called iRescue Wildlife, Inc., to intervene, the Miami Herald reports.

Larry had been reserved for one family’s dinner when the activists offered to buy him and send him to freedom, ABC News reports.

“They really opened up my eyes and it got me a little emotional,” Melluso told ABC. “We went ahead and donated the lobster to them.”

The Larry-savers made plans to ship him to the Maine State Aquarium, which said it would accept him, quarantine him and then decide what to do with him after that. There was a swift response from the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

They called on the aquarium to let Larry loose.

“Lobsters are smart, unique individuals who feel pain and suffer in captivity,” PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman said in a statement. “PETA is calling on the Maine State Aquarium to let this elderly crustacean live out his golden years in freedom and peace.”

Alas, Larry’s golden years were never to be.

He arrived at the Maine Aquarium … less than alive.

Jeff Nichols, communications director for the Maine Department of Marine Resources, says that there’s always a challenge in shipping a live animal.

“Maine lobster dealers do it all the time … they ship live lobsters all over the world, but it’s something that is part of their business practice and their area of expertise,” he told NPR. “This was a situation where, you know, it was somebody trying to figure it out.”

The first attempt to ship Larry was scuttled when FedEx sent him back. And unfortunately, he spent some time on freshwater ice, Nichols says, which isn’t ideal for a marine animal.

The Florida activists repackaged him, with some coaching from the Maine State Aquarium’s staff, and sent him again, the Portland Press Herald reported on Wednesday:

“Larry was packed in a Styrofoam clamshell with seaweed and frozen gel packs intended to keep him cold. The Styrofoam package was then put in another box, providing extra cushioning and protection from leakage. iRescue did not respond to questions about the shipping cost.

“The packaging method has worked in the past for others who have shipped live lobsters to the aquarium, Nichols said. But when staffers opened the box Wednesday around noon, they found a motionless crustacean and broken gel packs.

“Unsure whether Larry was dead or alive, a staffer touched the lobster’s eye, but found it dry and unresponsive.”

Larry hadn’t made it. Continue reading

Marx 2016!

 

 

The only thing we will never run out of on this planet is human ignorance.

PopeWatch: Game of Popes

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

There was some exciting news for Game of Thrones fans who also happen to love Jesus today after EWTN announced that they are set to premiere their brand new epic, Game of Papal Thrones.

“The launch of the new GoPT series will truly be a global Catholic television event,” said Jonathan Nunez, Associate Producer of the series based on the bestselling novel, A Gregorian Chant of Ice and Fire. “Game of Thrones is already a worldwide phenomenon and so is Jesus Christ. We’re hoping to baptize, so to speak, the series made famous by HBO.”

The series, which details the power struggle for the papal throne (Cathedra Romana,) tells the story of eight men and one woman fighting for control of the newly restored Papal States. Political and chaste intrigue is pervasive. Jorge Mario Bergoglio, Prince of the Apostles, asks his old friend Cardinal Robert Sarah to serve as Hand of the Pope, the highest official. Secretly warned that the previous Hand was assassinated, Sarah accepts in order of business to investigate further. Meanwhile, “the mad sister” Marcia Allen and her religious family, the Leadership Conference of Women Religious, may be hatching a plot to take power. Across the sea, the last members of the deposed family, the Burke’s, are scheming to take the throne. The friction between houses Sarah, LCWR, Bergoglio, and Burke and with the remaining great houses Chaput, Mahoney, Ratzinger, and the incompetent yet powerful and conniving Chaldean Patriarch Raphael “Littlefinger” Sako leads to full-scale war. All while a very ancient evil awakens in the farthest east. Amidst the war and pontifical confusion, a neglected order of monks, the Benedictines of Fontgombault, is all that stands between the realms of men and fiery horrors beyond.

 

The series is set to premier this September.

Continue reading

Trump Rising

 

 

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Hmmm, I may have to pick this up, especially since it is free:

Battlegoat Studios announces Trump Rising, a new DLC pack to be released tomorrow for Supreme Ruler Ultimate, their Windows and OS X RTS game on Steam. As you may have inferred, this plays a trump card ripped from today’s headlines with the addition of The Donald to the game. Here’s word:
Within the United States, civil unrest fueled by racial tensions reaches even higher than in the 1960’s. To China and Russia, the new US President seems so unpredictable and reckless that it seems logical to make a pre-emptive strike rather than wait for him to have a ‘bad hair day’ and launch a strike against them. In Western Europe, leaders are shaken by their new reality and realize they may have to make concessions to Russia now that America can no longer be relied upon. The European Union itself is in disarray as the UK prepares to leave and forge its own relationships. In Mexico, and even in Canada, militaries are brought to an unprecedented level of readiness over concern of Trump’s ambitions.

How will this play out? Will you assume Trump’s role as the new US leader and guide America to renewed Greatness? Or will you instead lead another nation and take advantage of a potentially dysfunctional America to further your own ambition?

This DLC adds the following to Supreme Ruler Ultimate:
⦁ New Sandbox starting on US Inauguration Day, January 20, 2017
⦁ Updated “Modern World” relationships, leaders, and regional economies
⦁ Take control as President Donald Trump, or try to minimize the damage as another World Leader
⦁ Build the Trump Wall – although you may have to pay for it yourself
⦁ Encourage regional growth with the Trump Tower economic development zones

PopeWatch: Plagiarism

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

A number of paragraphs from Pope Francis’ Wednesday General Audience speech appear to have been lifted from Melania Trump’s Republican National Convention speech.

Francis aide Monsignor Guido Marini said late this afternoon that Francis wrote the speech largely on his own, telling EOTT that, “I read it once over, and that’s all. His Holiness wrote it…with as little help as possible.”

During the address, a journalist pointed out the striking similarities to Melania Trump’s speech from the night before, and a plagiarism controversy exploded. A two-paragraph section of Francis’ speech about family values bears nearly identical phrasing to Trump’s RNC address.

“My parents impressed on me the values that you pray hard for what you want in life. That your rosary is your bond, and you do what you pray and keep your promise to God. That you treat you flock with respect,” Francis told those gathered about halfway through his speech.

Compare that to Trump’s, which said, “My parents impressed on me the values that you work hard for what you want in life. That your word is your bond, and you do what you say and keep your promise. That you treat people with respect.”

Francis went on to stress the need to “pass along the faith to the many generations to follow, because we want the children of God in this Church to know that the only limit to your sanctity is the strength of your novenas and the willingness to remember not to skip a day.”

 

It’s a near mirror of a line from Trump’s speech: “pass those lessons on to the many generations to follow, because we want our children in this nation to know that the only limit to your achievements is the strength of your dreams and the willingness to work for them.”

Marini soon after responded to the controversy, saying “there is no cribbing of Melania Trump’s speech.”

“These were common words and values, and he cares about his Church,” Marini said. “To think that he would do something like that, knowing how scrutinized his speech was going to be this afternoon, is just really absurd.”

The Francis team released a statement moments go, saying part, “In writing his beautiful speech, Pope Francis’ team of writers took notes on his life’s inspirations, and in some instances included fragments that reflected his own thinking. His Holiness’ immigrant experience and love for Rome shone through in his speech, which made it such a success.”

Other questionable parts of Pope Francis’ speech were quotes such as “Ask not what your Church can do for you; ask what you can do for your Church,” “Be not scared,” and “You’re off to great places! Today is your day! Your seven storey mountain is waiting, so get on your way!” Continue reading

Bear Growls: Indigenous Blondes

 

Our bruin friend at Saint Corbinian’s Bear likes the latest video of Pope Francis:

 

The new Pope Video is out, and the Bear has to hand it to Pope Francis this time. The theme is something about indigenous people. Like, leave us alone, unless you’re giving us stuff. But it is by far the best Pope Video yet.

It begins with Daenerys Targaryen, First of Her Name, Khaleesi of the Grass Sea, The Unburnt, The Mother of Dragons, The Breaker of Chains, in indigenous Dothraki dress, stepping up to a podium in an empty hall as the usual synthesized score plays. Soft lighting behind her reveals an indigenous Dothraki royal tent and a servant steps up and begins braiding Daenerys’ hair.

Without speaking a word, she produces a horse heart and consumes it in a montage of very short takes. With her face covered in blood, she addresses the camera directly.
 “I have many titles, but now I wish to address you simply as Daenerys Targaryen, First of My Name, Khaleesi of the Grass Sea. I love my loyal indigenous Dothraki subjects, who will soon cross the Narrow Sea in wooden horses along with their mounts.

“I speak for the Sheep People, and the Wildings, as well, and all indigenous folk who do not get a clockwork city of their own in the opening credits. I’m not sure if the Ice Zombies are indigenous, but we’ll include them to be on the safe side.

“The Dothraki ways may not be yours, but they deserve to be respected. Except for that giant dome for ex-Khaleesis, which I incinerated along with everyone in it. Leave us alone. Just like we would leave you alone if I did not have an enormous fleet, Dothraki horse lords, the Unsullied, the Second Sons and a squadron of fire-breathing dragons. Oh, and that dwarf, the eunuch and the old guy with the crush on me. As if.

“Swear obedience to your rightful queen, people of the Seven Kingdoms!”

 

Fade to familiar “Pope Video” closing title. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Pope Eternal

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Pope Francis announced Sunday that he has no plans to retire from his position as the leader of the Catholic Church, or to die.

The pontiff responded to a question from a young man at the Vatican, assuring Catholics and supporters that the thought of retirement or death has not even occurred to him.

“I never thought of quitting being pope, or of leaving because of the many responsibilities,” Pope Francis told reporters. “And to those who earnestly pray that God calls me home soon, I say, neither have I thought of dying, not only because of the many responsibilities, but, more importantly, to annoy you.”

The Pontiff joked in 2014 that his papacy would only last two or three more years until he goes “off to the Father’s house,” but later told the press he was only joking, and that he planned to remain pope for the next two to three centuries.

 

Pope Francis went on to add that, although he had no intentions of “being dead” anytime in the foreseeable future, he planned to use the plenty of time he had left on this earth excommunicating one randomly selected person a day until he finally got his lifelong wish of seeing flying cars and hover boards “like you see in the movies” on the streets.

He also told the press that he planned to use some of the abundant amount of time he had left accomplishing some of the things on his bucket list.

“I would like to end world hunger, of course, but mainly, I will be working on designing a Hover Pope Mobile so that once the whole flying car thing gets going, I won’t have to wait long. They promised us that there would be flying cars in the year 2000, but they are still not here. What is the hold up? I also plan on setting a record in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest stretch of ad-lib monologue with reporters. I will be shooting for thirty-six straight hours of unscripted and uninterrupted verbal bedlam. I have been practicing for this for some time, and I’m confident I can do it.”

Continue reading

Not One of Ours

Continue reading

PopeWatch: Saint Harambe

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Animal rights activists have created an online petition asking the Congregation for the Causes of Saints to waive the sainthood waiting period for Harambe, the endangered 450-pound gorilla who was fatally shot after a boy fell into its “hermitage” at the Cincinnati Zoo.

The petition, which has already gathered over 300,000 signatures, asks Pope Francis to immediately proclaim Harambe a saint, elevating the great ape to the universal veneration of the Church.

“By canonizing Harambe, the Pope will not be making him a saint,” said Toby Porter who is spearheading the canonization effort. “We already know he’s a saint because he’s an animal, and all animals are worthy of eternal veneration regardless of whether they are dead or alive. Rather, Pope Francis will simply be declaring that our silverback gorilla is already with God and is an authentic example of following Christ, and worthy of imitation by the faithful, both human and ape.”

Porter later went on to add that he hoped Harambe would be added to the general calendar of the Church.

In response, Pope Francis announced this morning that he would be issuing a new encyclical titled, Banana Vitae, reaffirming the orthodox teaching of the Catholic Church regarding responsible conservation of animals and their habitats.

At press time, animal rights activists have also announced plans to ask Pope Francis to excommunicate the parents of the boy who fell into the gorilla “hermitage” for negligence, as well as the zookeeper who shot Harambe for violating the spirit of Laudato Si.

 

Continue reading

A Jesuit, A Dominican and a Franciscan

 

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Time for a little Catholic humor, this time using the staple of Order jokes:

A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan are driving cars and have a terrible pile up.  All three are killed instantly, go to their particular judgments and receive instant admission to Heaven.  Here are their reactions as they view the vistas of the Kingdom of Love Eternal:

Franciscan:  “This is exactly how Father Francis said it would be!”

Jesuit:  “This is exactly how I thought it would be!”

Dominican:  “Hey, wait a minute!  What’s the Jesuit doing here?”

Tell your jokes in the comboxes.

PopeWatch: Emeritus

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Catholic blogger Nicholas Robison, best known for his blog, More Catholic Than Jesus, announced today that he has officially assumed the role of Savior of the world, ending Jesus Christ’s illustrious and often controversial reign.

The stunning news comes after years of speculation from Catholic websites that Jesus Christ was no longer able to handle the rigors of the office.

“We just feel like it’s gotten pretty obvious since the Council that He’s no longer up to the task,” roommate and spokesman for Robison, Clyde Barnes, told the press. “A whole series of bad appointments, providential allowances of culture decline, and disastrous permissions of evil have convinced us that we need a fresh approach at the very top level. He’s, frankly, been a big disappointment since Vatican II and, though we respect Jesus’ many contributions to Church history, we just think it’s time for him to be put out to pasture and let a more steady hand take the wheel.”

 

Barnes went on to say that Robison’s first order of business as savior would be to guide Pope Francis into early retirement where he would “be free to speak off-the-cuff to himself all he wanted without any repercussions,”  and that this decision would “inevitably usher in a new age of orthodoxy once he had been replaced by Cardinal Burke.”

At press time, Robison has announced that Jesus will henceforth go by the title Jesus Emeritus Christ, and that he will remain in Paradise to live out an eternal life of contemplation. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Confusion Uber Alles

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Pope Francis said today that he would set up a commission to study whether or not he can find more ways to confuse and frustrate the living crap out of people, revealing an openness to re-examining the church’s long-held insistence on not speaking off-the-cuff.

His move was hailed as a breakthrough by those in the media who have clamored for years to be given more stuff to speculate on, and who cite research showing that a pope whose speeches were scripted and thought out produced nothing for the media to report on, and therefore, pointless.

But the idea will face stiff resistance from some who believe that finding out whether he can indeed find more ways to confuse people is the first step toward drinking during a General Audience, which recent popes have ruled out.

 

During a discussion at the Vatican on Thursday, which at one point touched on the fact that just saying that a completely absurd idea is a possibility just because you’re put on the spot is in itself absurd, Francis was asked about the possibility of an official commission to study the issue. His response was, in essence, “Why not?”

“Constituting an official commission that might study the question of how I can make the lives of Catholics defending the Church from misinformed Catholics annoying?” Pope Francis said out loud. “I believe yes. It would do good for the Church to clarify this point.”

“I accept,” the pope said later. “It seems useful to me to have a commission that would clarify whether all of my successors should also be obliged to speak without regard to already resolved matters.” Continue reading

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