Humor

PopeWatch: Third Degree

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

New Haven, CT––The Knights of Columbus, which are made up of wealthy white men and organized into Jurisdictions, Districts, and Councils boasting of over 14,000 local units in America alone, were founded by Fr. Michael J. McGivney, who was totally a real person and whose real name was, no joke, “McGivney,” with the mission, “to prevent Catholic men from entering secret societies whose membership was antithetical to Church teaching.” Upon entrance, a new Knight is given the title “First Degree” during a ceremony to which no one who is not a member is invited. After serving in the Knights for a certain un-specified amount of time and attending their meetings (which are not closed off except to those who have not gained membership in the Knights), the member enters the “Second Degree” by partaking in a ritual service which is entirely open to all who are members of the Knights of Columbus. Similar events happen during the “Third” and “Fourth” degree ceremonies. “Joining the Knights of Columbus is quite simple,” said Second Degree Knight Robert Burkens. “One simply must be a male, over 18, and Catholic, and current Knights will seek him out and badger him to join, treating him as somehow not truly Catholic until he does. The Insurance policy is completely optional, but recommended, since soon-to-be St. John Paul II was once quoted as saying ‘The Knights of Columbus Insurance Policy is the right hand of the Catholic Church.’” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Eternity

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Galveston, TX–Multiple sources at Prince of Peace Catholic Church in Galveston, Texas have just confirmed that parish pastor Fr. Robert Warner is “never going to wrap up his freaking homily.” 29-year-old mother of three Katrin Flores told Eye of the Tiber that Warner, whose homily was now running more than 25 minutes long, did not seem to be losing any steam whatsoever. “There was a couple times there where we thought he was about to shut it down, but then he’d say something like, ‘A couple more points I’d like to cover.’ But each of those ‘points’ had sub-points, and then there was that ten-minute span when he went off on a tangent about growing up in Warsaw with his strict-though-not-overbearing mother. Seriously demoralizing.” James Thorpe, who was on his third restroom break in just under 15 minutes, reported that Warner wasn’t a terrible speaker, but that he wasn’t Fulton Sheen either. “The man’s a time vampire,” Thorpe said as he suddenly felt an urgent desire to slowly redo his tie before returning to his pew. At press time, Warner has given the congregation a glimmer of hope by pausing for a few seconds before beginning again with the words, “In 1972…a man by the name of…” Continue reading

Donall and Conall Teach Richard Dawkins About Circular Arguments

 

From those twisted folks at The Lutheran Satire.  Dawkins, and others of his mindset, attempt to erect Science as a substitute religion, even as they absolutely refuse to seriously entertain the truth of Hamlet’s observation:    There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.  Attempting to turn the intellectual instrument of Science into a religion underlines this statement from CS Lewis that looks increasingly prophetic as the years roll by:

“Men became scientific because they expected Law in Nature, and they expected Law in Nature because they believed in a Legislator. In most modern scientists this belief has died: it will be interesting to see how long their confidence in uniformity survives it. Two significant developments have already appeared—the hypothesis of a lawless sub-nature, and the surrender of the claim that science is true. We may be living nearer than we suppose to the end of the Scientific Age.”  

PopeWatch: Banished

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just months after igniting a firestorm for preaching Catholic doctrine from the pulpit, local priest Fr. Keith Crowell was reassigned to the diocese’s smallest parish “out in the sticks,” a source from the diocese is reporting.

It was three months ago when Crowell was caught on video denying that the miracle of the loaves and fishes ought to be attributed to the multitudes after they shared the little food the apostles had to distribute, as opposed to the long held belief that Christ literally multiplied the food. The video quickly went viral, with many protesting outside of his church and calling for his dismissal.

“Yeah, we weren’t exactly shocked to learn that Fr. Crowell was being reassigned to our parish,” said parishioner Jacob Denver from Crowell’s new church. “We get all the orthodox ones. It’s crap. Any time there’s a fundamentally solid priest pissing off the bishop, they send him to us because there’s a lot less of us to indoctrinate. It’s hard being a Catholic in the boonies, I’ll admit that. Sometimes I just wish we could move into a rich suburban area where we won’t have to constantly be nagged about confession and stuff like that. We’ll just be nagged about giving more money and be left alone after that. Not a bad trade off.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Jesus

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

In an unprecedented move, more than 100 prominent San Francisco based Roman Catholics signed a petition and ran a full-page ad Friday calling on God to remove Jesus from the Trinity for fostering “an atmosphere of division and intolerance.”

The plea follows months of dissent within the archdiocese over Jesus’ emphasis on traditional, conservative doctrine, including asking all Catholics to accept that both sex outside of marriage as well as homosexual relations are “gravely evil.”

In their open letter to the God, Jesus critics say his morality-clause push is not only mean-spirited, but that it “sets a pastoral tone that is closer to persecution than evangelization.”

San Francisco Catholic Leonard Nibbi, who signed the letter, said the Second Person of the Trinity “is just causing a lot of discord, especially with the young people in the diocese.”

“The crux of our worry is that the faithful are going to become very disenchanted and stop going to church because they don’t like the message that Jesus sent when he preached the kingdom of God some 2,000 years ago,” Nibbi said.

According to a source familiar with the drafting of the open letter to God, the frustrated Catholics first considered running the ad weeks ago. They held off while they appealed to saints, including John the Evangelist and Mary Magdalene, to address their concerns. When nothing came of that, they went public.

Incidentally, don’t expect Jesus to start soft-pedaling his opposition to same-sex marriage. He’s encouraging Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone of San Francisco to join him at a large march in Washington D.C. in favor of “traditional” marriage on April 25. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Illuminati

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

In a private meeting with cloaked members of the Illuminati this morning, Pope Francis reportedly signed a two-year extension to his pontificate, with a 3-year possible extension after that.

The Illuminati, who has run the Church behind the scenes since the 1700’s, reported that, although Francis’ pontificate could still end whenever they saw fit, that Francis was for now technically guaranteed at least a few more years.

“Our society has found his contributions good up till now, which is why we’ve decided to allow him a few more years,” an anonymous member of The Ancient and Illuminated Seers of Bavariato told EOTT in an exclusive interview. “His desire for a new world order has very much impressed us, and we hope that he continues his work to help us take over the world.”

The source went on to say that they had considered giving Francis a longer extension, but that they were weary of doing so ever since the “Benedict debacle.”

According to the source, the Vatican is scheduled to have “underground meetings” with members of the United Nations, the International Monetary Fund, the World Bank, as well as President Obama this fall to discuss how best to proceed with the brainwashing of the unsuspecting masses.

“It is our belief that, with Grand Mage Francis at the helm of one of our numerous tentacles, so to speak, that he will continue his work to convince the Catholic masses that various world markets working, more or less, separately from one another, will one day lead to a global crash. In the meantime, we, the private members of the elite, in conjunction with leaders of the world’s major banks will continue to create inflations and recessions in order to manipulate the world markets, thus proving Francis’ theories. Then, when the global economic crisis has been created, we will manage the crises, which we hope will convince the masses that a New World Order run by us is the best option and only option.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Emoji

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

The Vatican announced today that Pope Francis has approved a new emoji translation of the Mass to help young adults more actively follow along during church services.

“We’ve found that most young adults can no longer read complete sentences or even complete words,” said Vatican spokesman Ronaldo Bernini, going to say that the minority of young adults that can read, cannot do so fast enough to keep up with the blistering pace of the Mass. “We still have some work to do before the final version comes out. We’ve hired over one hundred teenagers to look over the new missal and to see whether, for instance, our choice of a clover is the best emoji for the word consubstantial.”

Bernini said that he hopes the new missal will not only help young adults better understand the Mass, but that it might also help parents learn how to tell their children that they love and miss them without having to “navigate the treacherous waters of actually having to talk.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Liquefy

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just days after St. Gennaro’s blood liquefied after Pope Francis kissed the relic in Naples, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI told EOTT that he would be able to” liquefy the entire thing if really wanted to.”

In an exclusive interview with EOTT this morning, the former pope said that the same vial of hardened blood had not liquefied when he kissed it in 2007 simply because he hadn’t tried to liquefy it hard enough.

“If I had wanted it to liquefy, you better believe I would’ve liquefied the heck out of that thing,” Benedict said as he clenched his fists and bent his neck to the side to crack it. “You wanna know something? I think it started liquefying for Francis until it realized it wasn’t me kissing it, and so it stopped. I’m not saying that as fact…it’s just a theory going around.”

Benedict went on to say that not only would he be able to liquefy the entire vial of blood, but also the vial and reliquary as well. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Papal Evenglow Lodge

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Following comments made by Pope Francis last week stating that he felt his pontificate could possibly last no longer than two or three years, the Vatican announced today that they have opened a multi-million dollar retirement community for emeritus popes.

The news comes just days after Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI told EOTT that he would welcome another former pope into his residence, so long as the incoming pope did not have cat allergies.

The former pope’s personal secretary, Archbishop Georg Ganswein, told EOTT that due to both Francis and Benedict’s insistence on getting the bottom bunk and other issues, the Vatican decided to simply open a retirement community to give incoming popes their own space.

“We hope that the new community will help accommodate what we believe will soon become an influx of retired popes,” Ganswein said. “The community will be able to hold up to ten popes, and will offer many exciting activities such as Canasta tournaments and shuffle-board. We also intend to bring in young adults from around Rome to visit and talk to some of our elderly popes.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Squeeze

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

At a press conference today in the nation’s capital, Cardinal Emeritus Roger Mahoney of Los Angeles announced that the USCCB is petitioning the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Sacraments to require that parishioners give a “good, humanity affirming squeeze” following the doxology which concludes the Lord’s Prayer during Mass.

“God’s people have been spontaneously doing this for years anyway,” Mahoney told EOTT, “We just want to bring uniformity by removing the awkward part. The people will now proudly raise their hands, which are held together as they have been doing, but when they finish praying ‘for thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever, amen,’ they will give that last squeeze, which is meant to communicate, ‘Don’t worry friend…I’m here for you until the very end of Mass.’” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Henry VIII

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Sources in the Vatican are now confirming that Pope Francis has agreed to posthumously grant King Henry VIII an annulment from Catherine of Aragon. Numerous reports have come out in the past couple of days about the possibility of such a move, with aides close to Queen Elizabeth telling EOTT that such a decision on the Vatican’s part would essentially end the centuries old schism.

Media outlets in England are also reporting that once the annulment takes effect, that Queen Elizabeth will relinquish her claim as “Defender of the Faith and Supreme Governor of the Church of England.”

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, spoke to the media today, saying, “This is, indeed, an historic moment, and I shall welcome reunion with Rome. Everyone must understand that all the shite we we’ve been doing with regards to the ordination of women and openly-homosexual men has only been in retaliation.” Welby went on to confirm that he would “stop the charade” once the decree of nullity was made official. Continue reading

PopeWatch: ISIS

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Ahead of a planned assault on Italy by the Islamic State, members of ISIS met with leaders in the Italian gay community for a one day summit/pizza party in Pisa, Italy today.

Officials from both sides held a press conference earlier this morning, telling reporters that they were meeting in regards to ISIS plans to throw homosexuals off the Leaning Tower of “Pizza.”  Members of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria admitted to reporters after hours negotiations over cheese pizza at the Italian restaurant Chuck E. Formaggio, that the homosexuals were actually a pretty fun crowd to be around.

“We came to the summit to strike fear in their hearts,” one ISIS member told the press. “We were really looking forward to throwing them off the ‘Tower of Pizza,’ but once they started talking, it was like, we still disagree with their lifestyle choices, but they’re really sweet. A couple of the homosexuals were telling us about how to make the perfect quiche and how to drape ISIS flags around our shoulders without wrinkling them, and we all kinda just looked at each other. We knew right then that no one was getting thrown off the Tower.”

The ISIS member went on to explain how, after a few pizza’s, they all went out to a night club and “danced the night away,” and calling them “a real sassy bunch.”

At press time, ISIS officials plan to meet with the largest gay community in Rome tomorrow when they visit with members of the Roman Curia. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Fifth Chances

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

VATICAN––It was reported earlier this week that an outgoing Argentinian born man, whose every single word is misconstrued and misrepresented by friends in the media, has for some reason, resolved to give them an additional 12,000 more words to have fun with. “If you think about it, what’s the worst that could happen?” said the man as he neglected to write down even just a handful of key statements that he could use during the interview so as to avoid the chance that someone misunderstand what he trying to say. “Sure, up till now every single, solitary word or sentence I’ve said, be it from the pulpit or plane, has allowed those who hate the Church to twist the meaning of what I actually meant…but you know, I believe in fifth chances.” At press time, the man has agreed upon an upcoming Mad Libs type interview with MSNBC, in which he would send the media outlet a dozen thousand word statement about Catholic moral teaching, with select words and sentences removed to allow easier room to misrepresent. Continue reading

Gator’s Back on the Menu

 

 

 

Father Z advises us of this taste treat for our Lenten repasts:

 

:

I have posted on this in the past, but repetita iuvant as we say in Latin.

ORIGINAL:

Someone sent me a copy of a letter written by the Archbishop of New Orleans to a member of his flock about eating alligator during Lent.  The answer is “yes”.  You may eat alligator during Lent.

This is old news to readers of this blog, of course.  Last year I posted this, which ought to have settled the whole thing:

QUAERITUR: Abstinentia de carne lacertina aut crocodrillina

Ex lectoris e-pistulis extractum:

Reverendo patro Ioanni Zuhlsdorfo discipulus C. salutem et commemorationem in precibus suis. Gratias meas, sivis, ob opum tuam tibi agere volo. [Acceptae.] Mihi, catholico iuveni et discipulo in collegio liberalum artis et liberalum (aut impudicarum) mentum, scripturae tuae magnam auxilium fuerunt. Mox Ludovicianam meabo. Quaeritur: Sineturne corpus alligatoris feria VI in Quadregesima sine violando abstinentiam Quadragesimae edere?

Ossificatus manualista impoenitens respondeo de paginis Compendii Theologiae Moralis (Sabetti-Barrett) n. 331, :

Nomine carnis veniunt omnia animalia in terra viventia ac respirantia, ut communiter admittunt theologi ex regula tradita a S. Thoma vel, ut S. Alphonsus innuit, n. 1011, animalia quae sanguinem habent calidum; vel illud quod consuetudo regionis ut carnem habet; vel, si nec consuetudo praesto sit, dubium solvi potest considerando mentem Ecclesiae in sanciendo delectu ciborum, ut comprimendae ac minuendae carnis concupiscentiae per salutarem abstinetiam consuleret; examinetur, an huiusmodi animal simile sit aut dissimile iis quorum esus interdictus est et an illius carnes humano corpori validius nutriendo et roborando idoneae dignoscantur; et si ita appareat, ista caro inter vetitas est ponenda. Benedict XIV., De syn. dioec., lib.11, c. 5, n. 12. Haec quatuor multum deservient omni dubitationi solvendae.

Ergo, crocodrilli et lacertae inter reptilia sunt et amphibia.

Edi ergo possunt feriis sextis et tempore Quadragesimae

Omnibus tamen diebus ab eis edimur!

So, there you have it.

You can eat alligator and crocodile on Fridays of Lent.

Continue reading

Lego Luther

Leggo Luther

 

I don’t know who is more horrified by this,  Martin Luther or I:

Playmobil has found a new best-selling figurine in the unlikely character of the 16th century Protestant reformer Martin Luther.

Continue reading

PopeWatch: Memory

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The World Over Live anchor Raymond Arroyo apologized Wednesday for falsely claiming that he had been aboard a ship that was hit by a cannonball during the battle of Lepanto in 1571, EOTT is reporting.

On last Friday night’s broadcast, Arroyo cited “a terrible moment a few centuries back during the Holy League’s war against the Ottoman Empire when the ship I was traveling aboard began to sink after being hit by a cannonball. I was rescued, surrounded and kept alive by two ships from the Papal States.”

This week, several historians told EOTT that Arroyo had not been in a shipwreck, but that he had arrived centuries later.

On Wednesday, Arroyo conceded that he was not aboard the cannonballed ship, but he told reporters that he did not intentionally make the mistake.

“I would not have chosen to make this mistake,” Arroyo said. “I don’t know what screwed up in my mind that caused me to conflate one century with another. But I believe it began years ago when I was reading a book about the battle. I remember that I was sitting in the jacuzzi at the time and was surrounded by water, very much like the ships were doing during the battle. It was also hot in there, like some of the ships that caught fire that bloody day. I simply misremembered the event. I apologize to the entire fleet of the Holy League, and in particular, Don John of Austria and Miguel de Cervantes.” Continue reading

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