5

The Kavanator

News that I missed courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The death toll from Justice Brett Kavanaugh’s first week on the Supreme Court has just topped 330 million, a report from the CDC indicated Friday.

As soon as the man was sworn in, millions perished instantly, and the deaths continued to ramp up throughout the week.

“Women are particularly affected,” said a CDC official. “We advise you to hide in your homes because there is no telling whom Kavanaugh is going to kill next, nor is there a cure. God help us all.”

On Monday morning, Kavanaugh strolled into the Supreme Court building through a line of protesters dressed as characters from The Handmaid’s Tale. He glanced in their direction and instantly burned them all to a crisp.

 

Go here to read the rest.  From a Leftist website sounding the tocsin about the Kavanator:

You still don’t get it, do you? He’ll find you! That’s what he does! That’s ALL he does! You can’t stop him! He’ll wade through your briefs, reach down for his pen and rip the living heart out of your cases!  We are so doomed!

 

0

PopeWatch: Bus

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The Vatican said this past weekend that it had reached an agreement with China on the process of constructing the “largest, most biggest ever” bus to throw Chinese Catholics under.

The deal paves the way for bishops and laity who have been faithful to the Rome to be “royally screwed for their loyalty,” while rewarding bishops created without papal approval.

“For Pope Francis, the construction of the mega bus has been one of his most ambitious ventures to date,” says Ben Tammany, senior adviser to the Vatican. “It’s an effort to broaden the appeal of the Church no matter what the cost.”

Francis has drawn criticism from many Catholic opponents, who say the Church shouldn’t “screw over people who have been faithful to the Pope” with this joint venture with an atheist country that has targeted and harassed Catholics with surveillance and persecution. Others, though, say that it is of the utmost importance to Catholicism in the region to “screw over people who have been faithful to the Pope” with this joint venture with an atheist country that has targeted and harassed Catholics with surveillance and persecution.

Not long after announcing the agreement, the Vatican said that Chinese President Xi Jinping would be riding shotgun on the mega bus, alongside Pope Francis on its maiden voyage as they cruised through the devastated countryside of Chinese Catholic hearts.

 

Go here to comment.  PopeWatch has been unable to confirm that in response Mark Shea has stated that the Pope can run over him in a bus anytime.

2

Actually This Explains a Lot

News that I missed courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

WORLD—The U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change came to a grim conclusion regarding the rapid warming of the earth, should people not band together to give more power over to the government in order to turn the tide in the fight against climate change.

The report definitively concluded that climate change will completely destroy the earth by 2005 if we do not take action now.

“We’ve run all the numbers, and it’s absolutely clear: every inch of dry land on the planet will be totally submerged by the year 2005,” said one member of the panel. “This is an absolute scientific fact.”

When several scientific researchers pointed out that 2005 came and went 13 years ago, they were informed that the earth was actually destroyed, everybody was killed, and we are all actually ghosts.

Go here to read the rest.  Environmentalists, or rather those who call themselves environmentalists, have been predicting doom since I was 13.  Go here to read about it.  So either we are ghosts or they were crackpots peddling a bunch of bilge.

 

13

Democrats Aren’t Obnoxious Enough

 

News that I missed courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—After failing to stop the confirmation of Justice Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, the left pointed to what they think was their main area of failure: they just weren’t obnoxious enough.

“We yelled, we mobbed, we called people rapist-sympathizers,” said activist Candice Norris, “but it just wasn’t enough. Obviously, we need to screech even louder and at even more people if we’re to convince others we’re really sure we’re right about everything.”

Student Harriet Curry agreed. “Some people are still trying to engage with people on the other side, but we have a saying: ‘If you’re being coherent, you’re losing.’ If we want to win these fights, we need to build up anger inside us and then direct that into screaming and sometimes pounding on things. You can use a few words as long as they’re simple like ‘Nazi’ or ‘rapist’, but don’t go overboard.”

Go here to read the rest.  Yep, the Democrats need to increase their mobs of screaming hysterics.  The cats left at home will just have to fend for themselves.

3

Well, It’s About Time Is All I Can Say

 

NEW YORK—In a heartfelt social media statement to her fans, singer–songwriter Taylor Swift broke her long-standing political silence Monday to support restoring an all-powerful shōgun to its rightful place on the throne of Japan. “Hey guys, Taylor here—I’m writing this post because I’ve been inspired by recent events to speak up about why we need to install an all-powerful military dictatorship in Japan’s imperial palace,” said the famously apolitical pop star, admitting that in the past, she had been “reluctant” to voice her long-held support for Japan’s famously brutal system of medieval clan-based governance, but felt differently after witnessing the country’s decay since the final shōgun, Tokugawa Yoshinobu, fell from power in 1868.

Go here to read the rest.  Whatever would we do without entertainment celebrities to show us the way?

Update:  Internet Hitler of course had to comment:

 

4

PopeWatch: Trump the Pope

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The Vatican’s recent agreement to give America say over bishop appointments has critics accusing the Church of caving in to the current administration’s pressure.

Though the specifics of the deal announced Tuesday are unknown, Pope Francis said this morning that the agreement allows for a discussion with Donald Trump on the naming of bishops, but that ultimately the pope will decide.

“The thing is done in dialogue,” he said. “But Rome names. The Pope names. So long as President Trump agrees. Is that clear?”

According to reports, though the Vatican will retain the power to choose candidates, Washington, D.C. will be given the right to refuse “any and all of them.”

“The Holy See will agree to give the right of veto to the Trump administration and to any Republican administration, as that party has clearly become the party of God,” Francis said in his statement.

The agreement also calls for the Vatican to give authority to Catholic Supreme Court Justices John Roberts, Samuel Alito, Anthony Kennedy, Antonin Scalia, Sonia Sotomayor and Clarence Thomas to jointly rule over the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops.

In a letter this morning to the American faithful, the pope urged Catholics to trust him.

“When have I steered you wrong?”

Go here to comment.  President Trump is reportedly preparing a tweet telling American Catholics:  “Hey, what do you have to lose?  How could my picks possibly be worse than what you are saddled with now?”

1

Makes Sense

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

WASHINGTON, D.C.—All Republican members of the United States Senate have been placed on official lockdown after known murderers publicly made ominous threats of violence against them.

The group of murderous terrorists, Planned Parenthood, posted on Twitter, “Roses are red / Violets are blue / Senators vote NO on Kavanaugh / Or else we’re coming for you.”

“We are taking this threat very seriously, considering the organization is known to murder hundreds each and every day,” said a Secret Service official. “We receive threats all the time, but we have to gauge how serious they are based on whether or not they come from credible sources. This source is very credible. They have killed people, are killing people as we speak and will kill people again. So we can’t take this lightly.”

Conservative senators were instructed to stay far away from windows and barricade themselves in their offices, and be on the lookout for anyone wearing a Planned Parenthood T-shirt or pink hat resembling genitals.

 

Go here to read the rest.  I guess killing Congress Critters would be a small step up morally from killing unborn kids.

6

PopeWatch: Faking It

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Pope Francis has called the presidents from bishops conferences around the world for a February summit to discuss how to better look like they are doing something about preventing clergy sex abuse.

The summit of the presidents signals a realization that the laity do not believe that those in the highest levels of the Church are doing anything to combat clergy sex abuse.

“We are faced with a grave situation in the Church today,” Pope Francis said in a letter to bishops. “People do not believe us. This is bad—very, very bad. We must come together in a spirit of brotherhood to discuss different ways and tactics that we can begin to implement so that we may better shift blame away from the Church. And with this, we will better be able to go on doing nothing.”

Pope Francis went on to write, asking all those attending the summit to each come up with two or three different ideas that he can use when the pressure from the laity and journalists get to him.

“I will give you an example,” he wrote. “A couple weeks ago there was much pressure on me to answer questions about the Vigano claim. I simply began to talk about plastic straws and voilà, the pressure was off of me for at least a day. If we can all have a number of these misdirection at our disposal, it will be better than having to come up with something off-the-cuff, or worse yet, actually answering the questions, God forbid.”

The summit has already been called a “wild success” by many inside the Vatican, though it has yet to take place.

“It was a success from the moment the Pope called for it,” one insider told EOTT. “Remember, it’s not what happens during the summit, but the fact that he called one that matters. People will look and say, ‘finally, they are doing something.’”

 

Go here to comment.  PopeWatch called the Vatican for comment but was told by a recording that his call could not be taken until he signed ten documents swearing that he had never harmed a child, thought of harming a child or witnessed someone else harming a child.  He was also told that if he were a Bishop or higher this rule would not apply and that his call would go through if he pressed 666 followed by the pound sign.  PopeWatch hung the phone up and backed away from it swiftly.

7

Just Friends

 

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

GLENDALE, CA—Writers for VeggieTales have confirmed to press that stars Bob and Larry are accountability partners and nothing more. 

The statement came after progressive outrage over Sesame Street’s confirmation that Bert and Ernie are just friends. Liberals quickly began searching for other gay couples for children to look up to in animated kids’ shows, and latched onto Bob and Larry’s friendly relationship as a possible target.

“No, Bob and Larry really are just good friends who go out for coffee and talk about their Christian walk,” said one representative. “Seriously, don’t you people have anything better to do?” The rep pointed out that Bob and Larry regularly study the Bible at coffee shops and discuss their fight against sin, closing with prayer for one another to live as good witnesses for Christ on an increasingly secularized kitchen counter.

Go here to read the rest.  Bert and Ernie have confirmed that Bob and Larry are just regular guys like them, albeit tastier.

 

5

Patheos v. Christ

News that I missed courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

SEATTLE, WA—After reading several chapters from the gospels over the weekend, local progressive believer Wendy Butler reportedly published a Patheos blog post in which she criticized Jesus of Nazareth for “not being very Christlike.”

The blog post took Jesus to task for His “unloving and problematic” teachings.

“He devotes entire sections of His sermons to ranting about archaic religious concepts like hell and the last judgment instead of just coming alongside the marginalized and affirming their sins,” Butler said. “Very little of what He did on earth I would describe as life-giving. Frankly, I do a better job of being Christlike than Christ Himself.”

The woman was also agitated to find that Jesus didn’t devote any of His time recorded in the Scriptures to advocating for government-subsidized healthcare or women’s abortion rights.

Go here to read the rest.  Yeah, who does Jesus think He is!!!?  God!!!?  Well yes, actually.

18

Astonishing

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—In a SiriusXM interview Friday, Chelsea Clinton stated it would be “unchristian” if she were to believe in God, read her Bible, or otherwise act in a way consistent with faith in God as the ultimate Judge and Ruler of the universe.

She said, “Believing in God and reading the Bible are representative of oppressive systemic structures that bring so much pain to people, it’s just unconscionable to me that some people think we should do those things, believe those things.”

Clinton claimed the sincere, biblical conviction that believing in God and reading His Word are necessary aspects of the Christian life is a belief that reveals evangelicals’ hatred toward women. “I’m a devout Christian, but suggesting that I need to believe Christian things that would go against my political platform is the very definition of the war on women.”

Go here to read the rest.  Considering the sterling upbringing she received from her parents, I am shocked, shocked that Clinton the Younger is as screwed up as she is.

18

Scandal

But anonymously posted accusations ought to have no place in any prosecution. For this is both a dangerous kind of precedent and out of keeping with the spirit of our age.

Emperor Trajan to Pliny the Younger

 

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—In a shocking, exclusive new revelation, sources have reported to us that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh may have cheated while playing “The Floor is Lava” during his childhood.

Republicans have been trying to push Kavanaugh’s nomination through, but if these allegations turn out to be true, it’s clear that any senator with a shred of ethics left must vote “no” on his confirmation.

Multiple witnesses claim a 7-year-old Kavanaugh leaped from the couch to a pillow on the floor, but his foot clearly touched the carpet, rendering him “out.” However, the boy didn’t quit, but claimed he didn’t touch the carpet, saying “Nuh-uh!” when his friends pointed out the rules violation. “I totally didn’t!” he said. “My foot was like a million miles away from the lava. I’m still in, suckers!”

Go here to read the rest.  Of course the witnesses wish to be anonymous and will not be subject to questioning.  The shade of Henry VII, under whose reign the Star Chamber act of Parliament was passed in 1487, gives two thumbs up to this procedure.

2

PopeWatch: Predator

News that PopeWatch missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

HOLLYWOOD, CA—After resigning from his position in the Catholic Church in disgrace, ex-Cardinal Theodore McCarrick has reportedly signed on for a role in a sequel to The Predator, a reboot of the classic film franchise.

McCarrick will play the eponymous role of the Predator, a vicious alien who stalks and preys on innocent people for sport.

“This guy’s audition was perfect: creepy, disgusting, manipulative—everything we need in a fearsome sentient humanoid alien possessing futuristic weaponry and a predatory instinct,” said one casting agent. “He was downright intimidating in his interpretation of an extraterrestrial predator with thermal vision and large mandibles that could crush a man’s skull.”

“We expect Uncle Ted to be a Hollywood mainstay in a variety of villainous roles for years to come,” he added.

 

Go here to read the rest.  PopeWatch would note that the Vatican has refused to confirm or deny that the Pope will be appearing in a remake of Christopher Marlowe’s play Faust.

6

Do as I Say, Not as I Do

 

 

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

URBANA, IL—In a moving speech delivered Friday, President Barack Obama called for the nation to turn from fear, anger, and resentment, despite having stoked these emotions at every opportunity during his time in office.

The man who had carefully stoked divisions and pushed identity politics for a full eight years called the nation to turn away from divisive “politics of resentment” and instead be loving and inclusive.

“Common ground exists, I have seen it, I have lived it,” he said, though his presidency was spent turning people on each other and encouraging a culture of victimhood and resentment. “I know I spent a lot of time encouraging you to feel oppressed by each other so you would look to the federal government to fix things and turn a blind eye while I massively increased the power of the executive branch. But this time I’m serious. Let’s not hate each other, at least not until a Democrat is in office again.”

Go here to read the rest.

3

PopeWatch: Nike

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Pope Francis has reportedly sent an emotional letter to executives and the marketing team at Nike, thanking them with all his heart for “taking the heat off” him.

According to a source close to the Holy Father, the letter, written in pencil and said to be smeared with what looks like the Pontiffs tears, repeatedly thanks the Nike team for “helping a brother out.”

My Dearest Nike Team, the letter begins. Words cannot express the gratitude that I have for what you have unintentionally done for me. Over the course of the past two weeks, I have done all I could to relieve the pressure that assailed me. I told reporters that I would not say a word regarding situations facing the Catholic Church, though I tend to speak about anything and everything. I attempted to change the subject by talking about how plastic straws are the real emergency facing the world LMAO. But alas, nothing was working…until you decided to promote a controversial American athlete. Thank you, thank you, thank you…

 The letter reportedly goes on to say that he would be happy to endorse Nike and have them be the official pontifical shoe “if Nike executives and the Board of Directors found him worthy.”

Pope Francis concludes the letter by simply begging Nike to continue the ads until Catholics and members of the media forget about “this whole scandal thingy.”

Go here to comment.  PopeWatch has been unable to confirm or deny that Pope Francis has authorized a plenary indulgence of ten years for bloggers writing stories about the Nike hiring of Colin Kaepernick.

6

PopeWatch: Emeritus II

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Mere days after former Vatican ambassador to the US, Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò, alleged that the Pope was aware of sexual misconduct allegations against Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, Francis is said to have been spending a large part of his day quietly trying out different new emeritus signatures in preparations for his upcoming retirement.

“I hear you get a gold-plated watch,” Pope Francis whispered into the ear of one reporter in an attempt to change the subject of the accusation while in route to Rome from Ireland. But when the reporter repeated the question, Pope Francis was said to have pointed behind everyone, yelling, “Hey, what’s that!” before running back to his seat.

One of Francis’ aides, Father Tomas Demarco, told EOTT this morning that the Pope spent the rest of the flight trying out different signatures with “emeritus” in them.

“He kept his eyes on his paper for the most part,” Demarco said. “In the beginning he kept asking me if everyone was still looking his way and I said yes. That’s when he began trying out different new signatures. They were terrible, but whatever it takes for the man to retire, I mean, get his mind off the accusation.”

Demarco said that when Francis returned to the Vatican, he went up to the window in his bedroom and “Just stared out onto St. Peter’s Square.

“Yeah, he was gently touching the window as he hummed a sad little song to himself. At one point he began saying something along the lines of ‘No one gets you, Franny. No one has, no one does, but you.’ Weird as hell. He did this for a while until he started drinking. That’s when he went ape. He opened the window and started screaming the name Viganò over and over again with a type of vengeance that I haven’t seen from him since the last time we were in private and someone disagreed with him.”

Go here to comment.  PopeWatch has been unable to confirm or deny that our current Pope Emeritus has advised Pope Francis that after he resigns he will be officially known as either Pope Emeritus II or Pope Avis I, whichever he prefers.

2

Complaints From Below

From the only reliable news source on the net, The Onion:

NINTH CIRCLE, HELL—Stressing that the situation in the underworld was quickly spiraling out of control, Satan, the Great Tempter and Father of Lies, announced Wednesday that he would not allow any more Catholic priests to enter hell. “This place is completely overrun with those monsters, and frankly, they kind of creep me out,” said the Prince of Darkness, adding that every time he looked up, he saw another recently deceased member of the Roman Catholic clergy being cast down into the fires of hell, where each is expected to be tortured until the end of time by Satan and his minions.

Go here to read the rest.  A few years ago I noted that I thought that Pope Francis was the worst Pope since Alexander VI.  Pope Alexander, I humbly apologize for the odious comparison.  Heck of a job Francis, heck of a job.

 

2

Well, That Would Explain a Lot

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

VATICAN CITY—In a private moment of reflection after watching one of his cardinals state that the head of the Roman Catholic Church was too busy speaking about the environment, addressing migrant issues, and “carrying on the work of the church” to address victims of the Church’s horrific sex abuse scandal, the Pontiff suddenly realized he might actually be the eschatological Antichrist.

“Oh man,” he murmured as he took a good, hard look at himself in the mirror. “Too busy talking about the environment to care for those abused by the Church? That sounds so bad. I wonder if I’m actually the Antichrist. Or at least an antichrist, like the ones John wrote about.” He took a few minutes to think about it, shaking his head and muttering to himself.

Go here to read the rest.  If Pope Francis were the anti-Christ however, I would expect to hear an announcement from Satan seeking to disassociate himself from the doings of Pope Francis.  “I didn’t tempt him to ignore McCarrick, that was all his doing.  The Commie Cross?  Please, I am the infinite evil but I have never been accused of being fond of kitsch.  My chosen agents among mortals are almost always highly intelligent men and women of the world, leaders to lead others into the pit.  A bumbler like Cupich would never get even a no salary internship with my organization.  Hell hath its standards.  No, the anti-Christ is on his own and I disclaim any responsibility for the mess he is making.”

1

PopeWatch: Hype From Hades

From the most intentionally humorous Catholic site on the net, A Catholic Misfit:

 

[ACMPress] – KINGDOM OF ETERNAL FLAME AND PUNISHMENT – Road commission officials from Hell announced significant infrastructure improvement plans, less than a week after a Pennsylvania grand jury released a report on extensive clerical sex abuse and episcopal cover-up, spanning a 70 year period.

Go here to read the rest.  PopeWatch called a Planned Parenthood affiliate and asked to speak with a demon.  A demon identifying himself as Webeater got on the phone.  When queried about the story, he responded, “Are all mortals so gullible?  Don’t believe the hype son of Adam.  Trump has imposed hideously high tariffs on many of the exports of Hell, and the Infernal Kingdom simply lacks the cash to fund such an infrastructure expansion.  Truth to tell, Lord Lucifer has always been a master of propaganda but He has never balanced the books and Hell has a credit rating almost as low as the morals of a typical politician.”

I then asked if Hell could cover the sudden influx of a swelling number of the damned?  Well, we’ve been coping with a steadily increasing influx of the eternally lost since circa 1725, and things are very cramped now.  In my home pit I am sharing quarters with three attorneys, two priests and a used car salesman from Guam.  It ain’t pretty.  This overcrowding has caused a lot of grumbling among the Lowerarchy and that is probably why this fake news plan was announced.”

Is Lucifer in jeopardy of losing his position as ruler?  “Naah, but He may retire.  He keeps looking at videos of the resignation of Pope Benedict and mumbling about what a lucky man he is.”

Who would take over if Lucifer retired?  “Who knows?  Maybe it will be someone promoting a more merciful Hell.  That does seem to be all the rage right now.”

He then apologized and said that he was late for his weekly staff meeting on the marketing of aborted body parts, and with that the conversation came to an end.

 

15

PopeWatch: Eyeballing

From the most intentionally humorous Catholic site on the net, A Catholic Misfit:

 

[ACMPress] – DUBUQUE – Several members of Our Lady of Safe Spaces complained to their pastor after the 10:45 AM Sunday Mass, that a man attempted eye contact during the Kiss of Peace, ACMPress has learned.

“It was extremely uncomfortable,” one woman said, wishing to remain anonymous. “I was averting my gaze while weakly grasping the man’s hand, and as I muttered ‘Peace be with you’, I could just tell he was trying to make eye contact.”

Go here to read the rest.  PopeWatch attempted to contact the Vatican for comment, but was advised that “No Comment” is the comment of the Vatican for the foreseeable future on most issues.

7

Priorities

Hattip to commenter Greg Mockeridge.  News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

VATICAN CITY—In his first public statement on the horrifying, devastating report on sexual abuse within the Catholic Church, Pope Francis stated he would address the controversy in detail once he’s done talking about climate change for a few more weeks.

The head of the Roman Catholic Church claimed he is deeply concerned with the tragic report, but is “just too swamped” with work fighting climate change, criticizing capitalism, and advocating for other issues of social justice to talk about the repulsive report at the moment.

“Rest assured, once I have exhausted my talking points on the need for government policies to crack down on their carbon footprints, we’ll start looking this report over,” he said. “Then I’ll be sure to make a statement on it. We just didn’t want to jump to conclusions too early, something that we’re not concerned about with man-made climate change. Just with this.”

Go here to read the rest.  Oh, the Vatican has released a statement.  Go here to read it.  We should be relieved, I guess, to learn that the Pope is on the side of the abused and not the abusers.  I assume that will be reflected in his future appointments, since his past appointments give us no such assurance.

4

Cthulhu Trumped

 

 

News that I missed courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Cthulhu the Great Dreamer has released a new tell-all book detailing his time working closely with President Donald Trump for several months in 2017.

The One who sleeps at R’lyeh briefly served as a consultant on the Trump administration late last year, but quickly left after he found himself unable to stomach the president’s platform, morals, and values.

The book contains many juicy details and behind-the-scenes glimpses of the seedy underbelly of the Trump administration, from occult rituals designed to awake the Great Old Ones from their slumber to portals leading to dimensions lost in time and space ripping open throughout the White House.

“I figured it was time for everyone to know exactly what goes on behind closed doors in the Trump White House,” the Ancient One said in a press conference, taking a sip of human souls from a mug. “I deeply regret supporting President Trump, and this is my little way of giving back to you worthless creatures, you insignificant specks floating in the nameless blights of outer voids where faint demon scratchings you sometimes hear on the farthest rim of space, yet from which your own finite vision has given you a merciful immunity.”

 

Go here to read the rest.  I suspect that Cthulhu is still fuming for not being considered for a slot on The Apprentice. I have been unable to confirm that Cthulhu and Omarosa are scheduled for a joint appearance on The View.  I doubt it, since Cthulhu carries a grudge from Omarosa passing him in a White House corridor and muttering “Amateur!”

 

 

3

Satan’s Minions Never Sleep

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

INTERNET—Sources confirmed Friday morning that Satan’s armies are still heavily focused on infiltrating and maintaining control of website comments sections across the internet, a tactical onslaught they’ve been focused on for the better part of the past decade.

“Comments sections are one of the primary recruiting tools Satan’s forces use to influence people toward darkness,” demonology expert Donald Velasco noted. “This is why most healthy people cannot wade too deeply into any comments section on the internet without being overwhelmed by the presence of sheer evil, as they are bombarded with words and opinions more hateful, vile, and barbaric than any mere human could concoct.”

“During my research, I got too far down in some YouTube comments and ended up having to wash my eyeballs with paint thinner,” he added.

Go here to read the rest.  Careful in the comboxes on this post.

4

PopeWatcher: Grim Reaper

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Pope Francis decreed yesterday that death is “inadmissible” under all circumstances and that the Catholic Church should attempt to abolish it.

The change has been hailed by anti-death activists and rejected by Francis critics, who said he had no right to change the consequences of original sin.

A spokesman for the Vatican told EOTT early this morning that Francis had amended the Catechism of the Catholic Church to say that death can never be sanctioned because it constitutes an “attack” on the dignity of human beings, and that the Church teaches, “in the light of the Gospel, that death is inadmissible because it is an attack on the inviolability and dignity of the person, and she works with determination for its abolition worldwide.”

From the beginning of his pontificate, Francis began urging world leaders to abolish the permanent ending of the vital processes in cells and tissue, stressing that the innocent and guilty alike were both deserving of dignity, and therefore, not ever having to die.

“Think of Brad Pitt in Interview With A Vampire,” The Catechism of the Catholic Church now reads. “First, he’s living in like France or New Orleans (I forget which) as a normal person. But then Tom Cruise bites him and gives him the choice he never got and he takes it, remember that part? And so he becomes a vampire and a bunch of crap happens, and by the end of the movie, he’s in modern day America having seen so much stuff over the centuries, which is kinda like begin godlike, an imitation of Christ if you will, even though he did some bad things himself that could’ve easily landed him in jail and death row–I haven’t thought this all through yet, but this whole vampire angle will definitely be updated again and again in the Catechism until I’ve thought it through.”

At press time, Pope Francis is daydreaming during his weekly Vatican all-staff  meeting about how sad that one part is when Brad Pitt realizes that those French vampires are up to something and ends up finding Kristen Dunst and that random woman Dunst likes turned to ash because of the sun.

Go here to comment.  PopeWatch called a Planned Parenthood affiliate to get a comment from the Grim Reaper, but was told that he was at the unemployment office and unavailable for an interview.

12

Chicago, the Home of Random Senseless Violence

 

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

CHICAGO, IL—It looked like good news for Chicago as the skyrocketing murder rate finally started to level off, but the reason for the decline turned out to be alarming: murder has gotten so bad in Chicago that now even the average murderer won’t go out at night for fear of being murdered.

“I love murder,” said local murderer Carl Gross, “but I don’t want to be murdered. It’s gotten so bad out here, though, that we regular, salt-of-the-earth murderers are being preyed upon by all the really deranged murderers who don’t follow the murderer’s code of not murdering murderers.”

Bennie Arnold, Chicago resident and occasional strangler, agreed. “I just want to strangle people,” said Arnold. “But now I’m too scared to go out at night to find victims, so I just stay home with the doors locked. I guess now I know how I made regular folk feel… which would really make me think if I weren’t a sociopath.”

Go here to read the rest.  From 2011 MadTV:

 

2

They Probably Don’t Even Have a Starbucks!

 

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

RIVERDALE, NY—31-year-old Darlene Austin has always been an avid supporter of socialism, but she recently had an eye-opening experience.

“At a vegan cafe, I met a guy from Venezuela,” Austin explained. “I asked him about how great it must be to live in a country working to end economic inequality, but then he went into a long diatribe about oppression, poverty, and murder.”

Austin admitted she didn’t listen to much of it since she always knew that socialism would have “a few bumps along the way.” But then the man said something that really concerned her: he asked what the crispy bread slathered with a green substance on her plate was.

“He didn’t even know what avocado toast was!” Austin exclaimed. She asked him about whether they had lots of avocados in Venezuela, but he explained it wasn’t just an issue of the availability of avocados but also not being able to get bread and sometimes not having electricity for a toaster.

 

 

Go here to read the rest.

 

 

 

5

Well, This Sounds Reasonable

News that I missed while on vacation, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

 

VATICAN CITY—Following his recent announcement that the Catholic Church no longer supports the use of the death penalty, Pope Francis clarified that it may still be applied to slow left-lane drivers. “It almost goes without saying,” the leader of the Church commented.

Whereas prior Church teaching allowed the death penalty in certain cases, the Catechism now teaches that the punishment is always impermissible. “Except,” said a Vatican spokesman, “for those reprobate souls who just hang out in the left lane as if nobody else has anywhere to be.”

Go here to read the rest.  Yes, but what about tailgaters?  Can’t they at least be maimed?

New York Times: Leftists R’ US

News that slipped by me on vacation, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

New York Times Stands By Recent Editorial Board Hire Joseph Stalin Despite Criticism Of Mass Murder

NEW YORK, NY—Despite withering criticism of The New York Times’ recent decision to hire famed Communist leader and murderer of millions Joseph Stalin to the newspaper’s editorial board, The Times has defended Stalin and the move to allow him a platform to voice his far-left policies.

Upon the announcement of Stalin’s hire, thousands of readers pointed out that Stalin was responsible for the deaths of up to 25 million people. But on Thursday, The Times released a statement saying that editors were aware of Stalin’s sordid past before hiring him, and that it would not be bowing to “right-wing outrage” over “just a few million deaths.”

Go here to read the rest.  The New York Times refuses to confirm or deny that Pulitzer Prize winning Timesman Walter Duranty is seeking time off from Hell to also take up a position on the editorial board.

2

He’s Sorry

 

 

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—In response to criticism of the alleged shadow ban of certain right-leaning accounts on the platform, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey apologized Friday for allowing conservatives on the platform in the first place.

The visibly distraught CEO openly wept as he expressed his great remorse for ever having allowed conservatives to open accounts and let their worldview “just hang out there for the whole world to see.”

“Twitter has always been a welcoming, accepting place, so there’s obviously no room for anyone even slightly right of center,” Dorsey said. “I see that now. I’ve learned and grown from my experiences, and I hope the far-left mobs can find it in their hearts to forgive me rather than demanding I be fired on the spot.”

Go here to read the rest. Conservatives having the temerity to think that they have a right to their own opinions!  What is the world coming to?

 

5

PopeWatch: Chicken

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Several bishops from across the globe announced today that they are considering allowing divorced and remarried Catholics to receive Chick-fil-A.

The bishops considering the controversial move of allowing those in invalid marriages to receive a chicken sandwich, though in the state of adultery, told the press that it should be left to a bishop’s discretion as to whether an individual is in a state of grace, and therefore, be allowed to “indulge in a Spicy Chicken or Deluxe sandwich.”

“Though we have not yet come to a final decision, it is true that we are indeed leaning toward endorsing Pope Francis’ call to give Chick-fil-A to people who are divorced and invalidly remarried, even if they are sexually active,” representative of the bishops, Jon Dowry, told EOTT in a brief statement. “We believe that it may be more hurtful to deny them this most spectacular meal than to stick with archaic rules. It may be, in our humble opinion, better that they eat of Chick-fil-A and remain close to Christ than to leave for a more open and accepting branch of fast food chains.”

Dowry went on to call other bishops to consider whether it would be good, if only in exceptional circumstances, to allow their divorced and remarried couples from receiving this gift from God that He may strengthen them.

 

Go here to comment.  PopeWatch attempted to contact the Pope for contact, but was shuffled to the Pope’s Fifth Assistant Secretary, Sister Perdita.  She said that she did not know what the Pope’s opinion would be on this, but that she had heard him say, on more than one occasion, that chicken prepared by Gringos tasted like asbestos to him.  And with that PopeWatch will be on vacation hiatus until August 6.

1

PopeWatch: Blogging the Bible

 

 

 

From the most intentionally humorous Catholic site on the net, A Catholic Misfit:

 

YOM SHLISI, SIMANU, 96

Another Vision Of An Angel

[Sorry about the delay between posts, everyone. It’s been storming the past few days, and I think a lightning strike fried my modem the other night. I was just able to get back on-line this morning. Anyway, here’s my latest vision…]

Then I saw another mighty angel coming down from heaven, wrapped in a cloud, with a rainbow over his head, and his face was like the sun, and his legs like pillars of fire. He had a little scroll open in his hand. And he set his right foot on the sea, and his left foot on the land, and called out with a loud voice, like a lion roaring; when he called out, the seven thunders had sounded. And when the seven thunders had sounded, I was about to write, but I heard a voice from heaven saying, “Seal up what the seven thunders have said, and do not write it down.”

And the angel whom I saw standing on sea and land lifted up his right hand to heaven and swore by him who lives for ever and ever, who created heaven and what is in it, the earth and what is in it, and the sea and what is in it, that there should be no more delay, but that in the days of the trumpet call to be sounded by the seventh angel, the mystery of God, as he announced to his servants the prophets, should be fulfilled.

Then the voice which I had heard from heaven spoke to me again, saying, “Go, take the scroll which is open in the hand of the angel who is standing on the sea and on the land.” So I went to the angel and told him to give me the little scroll; and he said to me. “Take it and eat; it will be bitter to your stomach, but sweet as honey in your mouth.” And I took the little scroll from the hand of the angel and ate it; it was sweet as honey in my mouth, but when I had eaten it my stomach was made bitter. And I was told, “You must again prophesy about many peoples and nations and tongues and kings.”

POSTED BY JOHN THE EVANGELIST AT YOM SHLISI, SIMANU, 96
LABELS: ANGELS, VISION
…………………………………………………………………………………………

16 Comments:

Bardus Skepticus said…

You keep claiming these are “visions from God”, but where’s your proof? You could be just experiencing hallucinations that anybody who’s been exiled on an island would probably have.

YOM SHLISI, SIMANU 96 8:15 AM

Polycarp said…

“…a lightning strike fried my modem…”

John – get yourself a surge protector.

YOM SHLISI, SIMANU 96 8:49 AM

Magnus Bopperitus said…

OK, let me get this straight. This angel comes out of the sky, it’s legs made of fire, and it stands with one foot in the water, but his fire leg doesn’t go out? That makes no sense at all.

YOM SHLISI, SIMANU 96 9:23 AM

Flavius Flava Flave said…

“That makes no sense at all.”

Well, whaddya expect? These are the same people who claim that a Nazarene carpenter was raised from the dead. They claim he ‘multiplied’ some bread and fish, too, but everyone knows that the crowds brought their own food. Reason and logic will never get through their thick heads.

YOM SHLISI, SIMANU 96 9:58 AM

Papias of Hierapolis said…

Magnus, these are visions. A gift from God. They are similar to dreams in that they must be interpreted in order to be better understood. Before succumbing to doubt and derision, I counsel that we wait until John’s visions cease before we try to interpret them.

YOM SHLISI, SIMANU 96 10:19 AM

Go here to read the rest.

15

PopeWatch: Democratic Socialism

News missed by PopeWatch courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

You can’t go into a Whole Foods or indie record store without hearing somebody talk about it: democratic socialism. Is it a radical new idea that we should try out in our nation, or is it an old idea with the word “democratic” stapled to the front to make it sound more palatable? Find out in this handy explainer from your friends at The Babylon Bee:

What is Democratic Socialism?

Democratic Socialism is a growing movement in America promising every citizen the most basic human rights, including but not limited to free healthcare, a government-guaranteed job making at least $15 per hour, free college tuition, guaranteed housing, broadband internet access, and cage-free vegan lattes.

How would the government pay for all of that?

By rightfully appropriating money from terrible, evil, oppressive, hardworking, enterprising citizens who have earned wealth via the dreaded free market economy that has led to unprecedented human flourishing. Governments are known for being the most efficient spenders of money, and so surely would do an excellent job as stewards of your wealth—err, we mean, the public’s wealth.

Isn’t it immoral to take most of the money people earn?

No—actually, it’s the right thing to do. People with money only got that money because of inherent privilege, racism, sexism, bigotry, homophobia, transphobia, patriarchy, and all kinds of other unfair power structures and phobias. You know what, we’re a little concerned with all the questions you’re asking here. It sounds like someone needs to spend a little more time in a democratic re-education loyalty center! KILL THE KULAKS!

How does Democratic Socialism differ from just “Socialism”?

It has the word “Democratic” in front of it, you see, which means it is achieved by promoting identity politics, stoking class warfare, and cranking that entitlement mentality up to 11, instead of literal violent overthrow of the government. Besides, voting for the government to seize people’s wealth is totally different from the government deciding to do so on their own, right? Err… uh… DID WE MENTION YOU GET FREE STUFF?? Say it with us: Socialism good, Democratic Socialism better!

It seems like if you try to run the numbers, there’s just no way Democratic Socialism is a fiscally feasible form of government.

“Run the numbers”? “Fiscally feasible”? Have you been paying attention, like, at all? Do you want free money, or are you part of the problem? YOU GET FREE MONEY, AND YOU GET FREE MONEY—ERRYBODY GETS FREE MONEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!

Go here to read the rest.  PopeWatch is stunned to realize that the same people who write for The Bee must also write economic policy statements for the Vatican.  That explains a lot!

 

6

Stop Imposing Your Catholicism on Those Poor People!

News that I missed courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an alarming show of religious extremism and complete disregard for the separation of church and state, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was spotted by news reporters serving food to the homeless.

Kavanaugh performed the frightening display of religious devotion alongside an organized group of radicalized Catholics, whose extremist mission appears to be helping the needy. Local news crews leaped out of the bushes and caught him in the act, asking him, “What do you have to say for yourself, BIGOT?”

“It is disturbing that a SCOTUS nominee can so flagrantly practice his faith in the public sphere without fear of reprisal,” read an opinion piece published on Politico. “We want justices who don’t have an inherent bias for lifting up the poor and enacting mercy and, well, you know—justice.”

The writer went on to compare the Catholic judge’s actions to “something out of The Handmaid’s Tale,” stating that if the United States doesn’t start vetting judges for extremist positions like being a member of one of the world’s largest religions, “we will soon be living in a theonomy.”

Go here to read the rest. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is more threatening to so many vested interests in this country than a believing Christian.

8

That Would Be Unthinkable

News that I missed courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—The Resistance movement, formed to oppose President Trump, has stepped up its efforts against the right’s “rapidly encroaching tyranny.” They have vowed to do whatever they can to stop Trump, other than showing even basic respect to the tens of millions of Americans who voted for him.

“This is unlike any other time in history,” said Adrienne Stokes, an activist and self-proclaimed member of the Resistance. “We have to be willing to do anything we can to bring down Trump and stop the rise of the alt-right. Spend every day protesting. Mob his cronies. Go to jail if we have to. Absolutely anything… as long as it doesn’t involve acknowledging the cares and concerns of people who don’t share our politics.”

“We will go the distance, up to the moment we’re asked to have a civil conversation—that would be a bridge too far.”

This is a sentiment widely shared by all the loudest opposition to Trump—antifa, Democrats, journalists—who see Trump as a challenge to this country unlike anything it has ever faced. To them, that means every strategy must be considered to stop the rising tide of fascism short of treating their political opponents as fellow human beings and not the cartoon villains they have dreamed up in their heads.

 

Go here to read the rest.

 

25 On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

26 “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”

27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b]

28 “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

29 But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

30 In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31 A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32 So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Trump supporter, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34 He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. 35 The next day he took out two denarii[c] and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’

36 “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

37 The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”

Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”

3

Enemies of the People

News I missed courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

 

RICHMOND, VA—In a bold move intended to battle fascist ideology, antifa activists have released the home addresses of two children who allegedly sold Steven Bannon lemonade as he walked by their house on a warm Richmond morning over the weekend.

“HERE ARE THE NAMES AND ADDRESSES OF THE TWO FASCIST SYMPATHIZERS WHO WERE SEEN FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY,” one Antifa member posted on his Twitter account. “WE’RE NOT PUBLISHING THESE TO INCITE VIOLENCE. WE JUST SO HAPPEN TO BE PUTTING THE ADDRESSES UP HERE AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, SHOULD YOU WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO THEM.”

 

Go here to read the rest.

3

Beauty Contest

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Bowing to public pressure, Donald Trump has agreed to remove a popular mainstay of the Supreme Court nomination process: the swimsuit competition.

“This is long overdue,” said law professor Edgar Ford. “It’s time to put out the message that judges of all shapes and sizes can rule on Constitutional issues. Not just those who look good in a bikini.”

The swimsuit competition has been considered controversial ever since it caused the otherwise-qualified Robert Bork not to get a seat at the Supreme Court in 1987. More recently, the swimsuit competition was why the Republicans wouldn’t even consider Barack Obama’s nominee Merrick Garland, instead waiting for the election of Donald Trump, whom supporters consider to have a better eye for such things.

It will be a new era selecting a Supreme Court Justice without the swimsuit competition, and Trump made it clear he made this choice grudgingly. “People don’t want it anymore, so I got rid of it,” Trump told the press. “But let’s not pretend people like Supreme Court Justices for their personalities.”

Go here to read the rest.  Images of some of the current Justices in bikinis just flashed through my brain.  Time for another mind wipe!

1

PopeWatch: God Made Him That Way

From the most intentionally humorous Catholic site on the net, A Catholic Misfit:

 

VATICAN CITY – A Trump supporter, while touring Rome earlier this week, said Pope Francis told him his politics “doesn’t matter” to him and that “God made you like this.”

Mylan S. Yerrlan, from Akron OH, provided details of their conversation to ACMPress.

“Mylan, that you support Trump doesn’t matter,” Yerrlan said Francis told him. “God made you like this and loves you like this and it doesn’t matter to me. The pope loves you like this. You have to be happy with who you are.”

Yerrlan said his political beliefs came up after Pope Francis commented on his MAGA t-shirt, adding that the Pontiff’s words gave him great comfort.

 

Go here to read the rest.  It was just announced by the Vatican that Pope Francis thought that he was participating in a revival of The Apprentice and thus no attention should be paid to his remarks.  Sound advice!

2

This Explains a Lot

News that I have missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—While most Americans are hostile to socialism, touching a hot stove, and sticking one’s face in a sack full of badgers, surveys show that millennials are much more open to these dangerous ideas and activities than previous generations.

Finding themselves pessimistic about the future and saddled with student debt, millennials often turn to socialism, and also tend to say things like “Hey, maybe it would be fun to touch that hot, glowy thing above the oven.”

These new attitudes towards stove touching, putting one’s face in a sack full of badgers, and socialism is changing the Democratic Party, already resulting in a surprise win for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in the NY-14 primary who openly ran on a platform of democratic socialism along with “democratic sticking your face in a sack full of badgers,” which is “fundamentally different” from the old style of just sticking your face in a sack full of badgers, according to Ocasio-Cortez.

“The system has failed in getting a close look at badgers,” Ocasio-Cortez told an enthused crowd. “It’s past time to just stick our face in a sack full of them.”

 

Go here to read the rest.  The motto of my generation was “Badgers?  We don’t need no stinking badgers!”.  Times change I guess.

 

Shatner to Social Justice Warriors: Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

BTW 16 US Presidents owned slaves. Many of them are featured on US Currecy. 😱I’d suggest those offended round up all this objectionable currency – make sure you check the pockets of the clothes in the hamper 😏 and send all that offensive cash to me. If you need my address (See above).

 

Good advice Social Justice Warriors.

4

Amen!

As usual, The Babylon Bee is on target:

 

U.S.—After Justice Kennedy announced his retirement Wednesday, the nation took a brief moment to thank the Lord that Hillary Clinton lost the 2016 election, and thus would not be able to select his replacement for the Supreme Court.

The nation acknowledged that it didn’t deserve God’s blessings but thanked Him anyway for sparing them a Clinton presidency.

“Father God, we just want to thank You that Hillary Clinton didn’t win the presidency. We know, Lord, that Trump isn’t ideal either, but hoo boy. That was a close one,” one man said in a special emergency prayer and thanksgiving service held at his church in Kentucky. “You truly are wise and sovereign.”

Go here to read the rest.  I guess Hillary Clinton’s outreach to Christians which seemed to be non-existent, go here to read about it, might need a fine tuning for the Dems in 2020.   Their traditional implicit slogan of Hey you stupid Christers, vote for us, doesn’t seem to be working.

 

1

PopeWatch: Separation Anxiety

From the most intentionally humorous Catholic site on the net, A Catholic Misfit:

FT LAUDERDALE, FL – An unidentified US bishop suggested that penalties be put in place for Catholics who help carry out any parish’s Worship Committee policy of separating families during Mass, when children are removed from the congregation for the Liturgy of the Word. He presented the recommendation while speaking Wednesday at the annual spring meeting of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops.

“Canonical penalties are there in place to heal, not punish,” he said, according to ACMPress. “And therefore, for the good and well-being of these people’s souls, it’s time we take a look at canonical penalties.”

 

 

Go here to read the rest.  PopeWatch was about to call the Vatican when the Pope called him.

“Gringo, I told you I would be calling you again.”

Yes, your holiness.

“What do you think of Mark Shea?”

I’d rather not say your holiness.

“Would he be loyal to me?”

I am sure holiness if you told him to engage in self cannibalism he would immediately reach for a carving knife.

” Good gringo, good, I will be calling you again.”

Seizing my opportunity I asked the Pope about the above story.

“You gringos.  If Christ came tomorrow you would be calling me to ask about how to properly address Him!  I don’t care if you have your brats play in the streets during Mass!”  And with a loud slamming sound the phone audience came to a conclusion.

Ten Years of TAC: The Ten Commandments of the Science Fiction Writer

(The American Catholic will observe its tenth anniversary in October.  We will be reposting some classic TAC posts of the past.  This post is from March 26, 2013.)

 

 

My co-blogger Darwin has a good post at his blog, Darwin Catholic, expressing his irritation at three laws proposed by the late science fiction writer Arthur Clarke.  Go here to read it.  The proposing of laws seems to often go with the territory of being a science fiction writer.  Asimov had his laws of robotics, for example.  Reading Darwin’s post propelled me into imagining the ten commandments for science fiction writers, and here they are:

 

 

1.  You are a science fiction writer, and will write only science fiction:  no fantasy, no (spit) urban fantasy, no (gag) romance novels disguised as fantasy.  This rule is subject to being overruled if you really, really need the cash.

2.  You will not bow down to the idols of popular taste or to what will sell in the mass market.  Kindle and e-publishing will have your sole worship.

3.  You will not take the name of science in vain and have more than three scientific absurdities in each story that you write.

4.  All the rest of creation labors for only six days.  For science fiction writing wretches remember the words of Heinlein:  “Six days shalt thou work and do all thou art able; the seventh the same, and pound on the cable.

5.  Honor your father and your mother as they may well be the ones supporting you as you seek fame and fortune by scribbling endlessly for a living.

6.  You shall not murder other science fiction writers who shamelessly steal your ideas.  You may think about murdering them however quite a bit.

7.  You shall not commit adultery with other literary genres, unless you really, really need the money.  See the first commandment.

8.  You shall not steal ideas from hack writers.  Stealing ideas from good writers is permissible so long as you have plausible deniability.

9.  You shall not bear false witness against other writers, even if they have it coming.  (Well maybe a little bit, if they really, really have it coming.)

10. You will not covet anything that more successful writers have that you do not.  You write only to express yourself and not to gain financial riches!  (Everyone can now stop laughing.)

1

PopeWatch: Mercy Me

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The Vatican announced today that they will be opening a second Year of Mercy.

The initiative is intended to address the crisis in the sacrament of confession and is being called, “The Year of Mercy: A Second Helping.”

“Over half of the confessions in the Church today are invalid because the faithful actually do not believe any of their actions are sinful,” Cardinal Thomas Olvelli explained. “Without an actual sin confessed, the sacrament is invalid.”

“Many penitents find the confessional line burdensome and are not able to wait for confession. That is not mercy,” The Cardinal went on to say. “During this new round of mercy, an individual will simply have the ability to have a deep, inward conversation with the Lord. Then with prudent and mature reflection, that individual will determine, in the sanctity of his or her own conscience, that he or she has never actually committed any sins, and thus maintaining the sanctity of the sacrament.”

In addition, Olvelli announced that 10,000 newly appointed “Agents of the Second Helping” will begin circling the globe this January to close down all remaining confessionals.

One Agent of Mercy, Monsignor Alejandro Pipetti, explained the initiative, saying, “Let’s face it, the confessional is a medieval torture chamber, designed to instill fear of the Lord into the faithful. How can the faithful begin to grow closer to the Lord if they fear Him? I believe it is better to have fear of one’s own conscience, especially since it can so easily be manipulated and told what is right and what is wrong. After all, there is no fear in that which you control.”

 

Go here to comment.  PopeWatch would be afraid to confess to himself.  Saying perpetual Paternosters on his knees would make blogging problematic for PopeWatch.