1

PopeWatch: That 70’s Show

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

USCCB spokesman, Bishop Roger Belvedere confirmed this week that any Catholic organization attempting to make themselves appear current will be suppressed, as “anything that appears technologically modern is directly contrary to the Holy Spirit.”

“Everything from websites to event flyers to marketing materials will be monitored and under careful scrutiny beginning this week,” Belvedere told the press. “In addition, we will soon begin the process of purging the world of the small amount of visually appealing Catholic publicity that already exists. We estimate that this process should take us no more than about half an hour to complete.”

Going on to give instructions for Catholic web designers and graphic artists, Belvedere said that the mandate will seek to make sure that all design work, whether in media or in print must have a distastefully low white-space-to-text ratio, a mandatory rosary border on all print materials, and a reversal of any design changes made after 1996.

“If we see a single Catholic logo that does not include the color navy blue, let that organization be anathema. Also, flowers—we need to see more flowers. Web designers, bonus points if flowers appear to fall from the top of a web page when opened.”

One Vatican insider told EOTT this morning that he was excited with the USCCB’s decision, and hoped that other countries would soon follow suit.

“To be honest, I’m relieved that they finally said something. Catholic organizations need to be better about distinguishing themselves from Protestants, who for the most part, have excelled in respect to design work. And since our Church has been around a lot longer than theirs, everything we do needs to look that much older.”

At press time, USCCB officials estimate that the new requirements are expected to affect less than one percent of Catholic groups. Continue Reading

5

PopeWatch: Punched by the Holy Spirit

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Days after the Pontiff sustained injuries after hitting his head in a popemobile accident in Colombia, Pope Francis has now condemned his own motu proprio, Magnum Principium, allowing bishops’ conferences control over the translation of liturgical texts.

Pope Francis had originally published the motu proprio, which shifted control over liturgical texts from Apostolic See to diocesan bishop, before hitting his head against a bar during the accident.

According to one adviser to the pope, Monsignor Alberto Pico, Pope Francis began acting “odd” not long after the accident.

“On the plane back to Rome, he was reading a copy of Magnum Principium and began calling it a bunch of crap, before opening the door to the plane and throwing it out. He wasn’t aware that he was the one who wrote it. When we told him that it was his own writing, he became extremely angry and would not believe us.”

Pico went on to say that moments after landing in Rome, Francis demanded to go to a chapel located just miles from the airport, where he began preparations to say the Latin Mass, saying, “Dammit, Pico, hand me my chasuble…now!”

“It was all quite surreal. After the Mass, he asked those close to him to begin the processes of reversing nearly everything he has said and done since his election, including demoting nearly all of the bishops and cardinals that he had created. In this way, His Holiness added, he would be able to retire in one year, and would be able leave the Church as it had been before his election.” Continue Reading

6

PopeWatch: Denzinger

 

 

From the only source of reliable Catholic news on net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

The largest cross-boarder Lefeverist smuggling tunnel to date was discovered in a midnight raid earlier today by Swiss Guards.  The smugglers fled, abandoning contraband with a street value of over 3 million euros.

Smuggled goods found included pirated copies of “Teach Yourself Latin” software, DVD’s of “The Cardinal,” as well as thousands of copies of Familiaris Consortio and the Decrees of the Council of Trent.

Lead detective on the case Giovanni Verde told EOTT this morning that all of the items seized were street ready.

“From here they would have gone out and been available in the Vatican colleges and back rooms by sunrise,” noting that the tunnel terminated in a small subterranean chapel under one of the Vatican buildings.  “See how the chapel is set up ad orientem?  This is a site of a clandestine Tridentine Mass.”

Rumors have been circulating for years that undocumented Lefeverists were responsible for the countless tunnels undermining the Vatican since the early 1970’s.  According to Verde, his goal is not simply taking down the powerful Lefeverist “cartel,” but also “the numerous groups inside the Vatican supporting them.”

Verde told reporters that he has been tracking a “shadowy figure” who is considered the true leader of the cartel.

“We only know him as “Denzinger,” but he is highly respected in some circles, and his writings are quoted like the Bible. It’s not a secret in the Vatican that the recently terminated the head of the CDF, Gerhard Cardinal Muller, was an admirer of Dezinger.

“It was clear for a number of years that the Cardinal had been Denzinger’s man inside the halls of the Vatican, and now we finally have hard evidence of a conspiracy. Denzinger’s influence over the CDF and the Church will finally be broken.” Continue Reading

4

PopeWatch: Beanies

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

It was announced today that the Swiss Guard’s uniform will be changed to a more modern hipster look.

Pontifical Swiss Guard Commandant Daniel Anrig told Guards gathered at the annual When Do We Get To See Some Action Jamboree that the traditional “uniform” worn by the Knights will be replaced so as to be more appealing to millennials.

Instead of the well-known European Renaissance-style uniform, the average member of the Swiss Guard will be wearing a pair of skinny jeans, a beanie, and a leather jacket “no matter how hot the temperature gets in Rome,” Anrig said. Anrig did not specify whether swords would be replaced with scarfs or whether they would be replaced with pens in case “the muse strikes and gives them the inspiration to write the next Infinite Jest.”

“I have decided that the time is right for a modernization of the Swiss Guard Uniform,” Anrig said. “From now on, along with skinny jeans, beanies, and leather jackets, the preferred dress for the Guard will include v-necks or flannel shirts, vintage sneakers, bow ties, and black squared frames for glasses whether Guards wear prescription glasses or not.”

Swiss Guard David Adank told EOTT via a shrug of the shoulders this morning that, though a little bit nervous and hesitant about the change, he welcomes it with open, sarcastic arms.

“Whatever,” Adank went on to say before departing to an undisclosed coffee shop.

Another member of the Swiss Guard, Toby Caspari, told EOTT that he was worried that he would be expelled from the Guard since he struggles growing a proper mustache.

“I guess it’s the mandatory mustache that I’m most afraid of,” Caspari said. “I’ve never really been able to grow one, and all everyone’s talking about is what type of “stache wax” to use. Whatever, maybe I’ll use a fake. I trust the commandant’s judgment. I think skinny jeans really helps to show a striking, imitative image of Christ because he was kind of a hipster in his own way. He too didn’t care what people thought. But at the same time, he wanted people to notice him, but at the same time not notice him, if you know what I’m saying. You know what I’m saying? Continue Reading

7

PopeWatch: Debt

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Total catechism student loan debt in the U.S. has officially topped $1.8 hundred dollars.

In March, the Francis administration announced a series of changes to the Free Application For Federal Catechism Aid (FAFCA), the form for prospective catechists applying for church financial aid.

This measure was taken in the hopes of making the burden of learning the fundamentals of Catholicism more manageable. EOTT has found in a recent study that cradle Catholics ages 30 to 55 owe nearly as much money on past catechism classes as do converts to Catholicism even after years of payments, and that loan payments have become a major portion of their monthly expenses, crippling many households.

Head RCIA financial aid expert Devin Bolero recently told EOTT that more than 37% of borrowers are graduating with debt that can take them days if not weeks to pay off, significantly impacting their lives.

“I found that new Catholics who graduate with catechism debt are about 17% more likely to wait an extra week to pay off their debt before getting married and having kids,” Bolero said. “It’s an issue the USCCB seriously needs to look into.”

Bolero estimates that America’s catechism student loan debt is growing at a rapid rate, rising nearly $2 every week. Continue Reading

PopeWatch: Let God Sort ‘Em Out

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

VATICAN––The Vatican this morning is announcing that every pope that has ever lived, including ones still living, is to be canonized by the end of the year, sources are confirming.

The news comes just a week after John XXIII and John Paul II were canonized, and a day after it was announced that Paul VI was to be beatified later this year.

A Vatican insider told EOTT today that Pope Francis awoke earlier this morning shouting, “Canonize them all! Canonize them all!”

“He woke up in hysterics, telling everyone he passed that he wanted to canonize all the popes who came before him,” the insider said. “He said that by knocking out all the popes at once, that it would give him time to focus all his energy on the Church Militant.”

Speaking from his grave this morning, Pope Alexander VI, known by many historians to be the worst pope of all time, said that he couldn’t believe the news when he heard it. “Get the hell out of here! Oops, sorry about that. But seriously?”

Although the date of the canonizations has yet to be announced, Vatican officials said that since the requirement for miracles had been waived, they hope to canonize everyone by November. Continue Reading

2

PopeWatch: Deadbeat

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The mother of local deadbeat Anthony Green confirmed to friends and family today that the sweet, pretty girl that sits behind her at Mass on Sundays would be “just perfect” for her son.

Tamara Green, mother of four, excitedly told those gathered at their weekly bingo night that the “adorable thing” is just what her son needed to get his life on track.

“When I first saw her, I definitely thought she could be the one I’ve been praying for to whip him into shape,” Tamara Green said as she mumbled a quick prayer to St. Raphael. “He’s been out sowing his wild oats—such a typical boy—but I’d like it if he would settle down and raise a nice little Catholic family. When I spotted her volunteering at the St. Vincent de Paul Village on Tuesday, I just knew she was his match made in heaven. My son never volunteers, so she’d be a great influence on him. I just have to devise a creative little meetup since I know I would never be able to get him to go to Mass and see for himself.”

Tamara Green also said that she was hopeful that God was calling the “precious little angel” to work tirelessly for the rest of her life tending to Anthony, and in doing so, giving up her dreams of possibly becoming a nun or marrying an honest and respectable man of God.

“The thing is, God calls all of us to carry our cross, and I truly believe that Anthony is the cross this girl might need. He’ll give her the opportunity to strengthen her patience, just as she’ll sanctify him by getting him to stop playing video games, to get a job, start attending Mass, and getting him to stop leaving crumbs all over his bedroom.”

At press time, family and friends are concerned for the well-being of the girl in question, and are quietly saying a prayer to St. Raphael to not let Tamara Green’s prayers be answered.

Continue Reading

2

PopeWatch: Box Office

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

It’s been three years since Benedict’s colossal battle with the Roman Curia devastated Vatican City. The loss of spiritual life and collateral damage left many Catholics feeling angry and helpless about the Church hierarchy, including corruption-fighting Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio. Convinced that members of the hierarchy surrounding Benedict is now a threat to Holy Mother Church, Bergoglio embarks on a personal vendetta to end their reign at the Vatican, while the conniving Walter Kasper launches his own crusade against ‘God’s Rottweiler’.

Benedict v Francis: Dawn of Mercy is out and reviews for the latest movie from DC/Vatican Cinematic Universe are not impressive.

Although the film, which currently has only a 29 percent rating on Catholic movie review site Decent Films, has been universally panned by critics, it’s opening weekend brought in an estimated $70.1 dollars in the Vatican alone.

The superpapal showdown, which cost nearly $1,000 dollars to make, is DC/Vatican Cinematic Universe studio’s bid to kick-start a Catholic movie universe to rival the protestant’s massively successful movie empire that has produced multi-hundred dollar cash cows, God Is Not Dead, God Is Not Dead 2, and the upcoming film, God is Still Not Dead.

But although critics have panned the movie, audiences have given the film a 65 percent rating, which suggests that many moviegoers don’t necessarily agree with critics.

“I thought it was pretty cool,” one viewer told EOTT after seeing the movie. “I mean, some weird choices, that’s for sure, like how Benedict and Francis stop fighting once they find out they both love Jesus. Francis has Benedict on the ground, you know, cause Benedict’s old, and before he delivers the final blow, Benedict calls out to Jesus for mercy, and Francis is all like, ‘WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME! WHY DID YOU SAY JESUS!’ and they realize they both love Jesus and stop fighting.”

Another viewer told EOTT that the movie was decent until the tension really began to pick up toward the latter half of the film.

“Yeah, that’s when it started getting pretty interesting. The bad guy Walter Kasper unleashes this monster he calls Synod, and both Benedict and Francis have to fight together to defeat it.

Benedict v Francis is the fourth biggest opening for a comic book adaptation, behind three protestant films, The Reformers, Ex-Catholic-Men, and The Dark Night of the Soul Rises. Continue Reading

2

PopeWatch: UberMass

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Uber has announced plans to begin offering Mass deliveries beginning early next year.

Attempting to expand beyond the borders of ridesharing and food delivery, Uber will launch its UberMass service in Grand Rapids, Michigan before expanding to other cities later in the year.

According to listings on a number of job recruiting websites, UberMass is advertising for a number of “priest jobs” not only ranging from saying Mass, but to hearing confessions and giving last rites, showing that the company is serious about reaching everyone “where they’re at.”

“There’s a lot of momentum in the organization behind UberMass, and we think the market is ripe for Mass delivery,” said UberMass general manager Simon Patel at a launch event in New York on Wednesday. “As numbers has proven, Mass attendance have been plummeting for some time now. We think that can be fixed. Catholics will simply go to the app, order a priest, and one will be dropped off to them. Easy as that, they fulfil their Sunday obligation.”

Patel said that for an extra charge, UberMass customers will also be able to purchase add-ons such as a guitarist to play hymns during the Mass, a friendly usher to greet them in their own home, as well as a sick parishioner to come and sit directly next to them on the couch.

Uber is also considering a UberMassShare option which would be cheaper, and would allow others around the neighborhood to join in the Mass and to split the cost.

“All this will be available to our customers so that they no longer need to leave the comfort of their homes to experience the beauty of Mass. Depending on the success of our new venture, we’re also considering UberConfession as well as UberXtremeUnction.” Continue Reading

1

PopeWatch: Get Thee to a Nunnery

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

After several public failed relationships and an embarrassing 8-months without a boyfriend, award winning singer-songwriter Taylor Swift announced today via Twitter that she was leaving the music industry to become a nun.

“With some prayer, and lots of thinking about boys, I’ve decided to become a nun,” she  wrote on Twitter.

Swift’s agent Rod Steelman confirmed this morning that she has been accepted into the Monastery of Our Lady of Perpetual Disappointment, a convent exclusively for women who respond to a calling immediately after experiencing a devastating breakup.

“She told me a few months ago that she had discerned entering a convent every time she had ever had a breakup, but that this last breakup  was different,” Steelman told EOTT. “She said that she was thinking about how Jesus seemed like the only man that wouldn’t ever break up with her, and how she would never have to write a song about him like she did other men in her life. That’s when it dawned on her to get herself to the nunnery.”

Swift has won several awards, including  ten Grammy Awards, one Emmy Award, and  21 Billboard Music Awards. Forbes recently named her in their annual 100 Most Powerful Women. Continue Reading

1

The Russians are Coming! The Russians are Coming!

 

 

LarryD at Acts of the Apostasy reminds us to keep an eye on the Rooskies:

MADISON – According to members of the Our Lady of the Third Degree parish council, their pastor revealed sensitive parish information to members of a Russian Orthodox church during a recent ecumenical visit.

Unconfirmed reports from council members requesting anonymity told AoftheA News that Fr. S. P. Neeyahj held a private meeting with Russian Orthodox representatives for thirty minutes this past Monday, during which classified information was divulged. They participated in an ecumenical prayer service sponsored by Our Lady of the Third Degree, and after the event, Neeyahj invited them into his parish office.

Parish officials denied the allegations at first, but were forced to scramble for explanations after Fr. Neeyahj tweeted out “Great mtg with Russian friends! Shared our summer parish picnic theme & exchanged secret potluck recipes. #BrothersInFaith”.

“As pastor, he has the right to declassify any information he wants,” one source told AoftheA News. “But it’s a trust issue. Not to mention he knows it’s parish policy to not reveal the parish picnic theme until after Memorial Day. Huge breach in protocol, and puts at risk our ability as a parish council to determine themes for future events.”

It’s unsure which recipes Fr. Neeyahj gave the Russians. Past potluck participants have taken to social media to complain that the recipes were closely-guarded, treasured family secrets, intended solely to be handed down to future generations. Father’s actions raise serious questions about what other possible details and secrets he is disclosing.

“Has he given our Dunkin Donuts contract for Coffee Hour to the Presbyterians?,” another unnamed source said. “Has he shown the Baptists our methods of parishioner data collection? Is he telling the Unitarians that, yes, they will be going to Hell? We have a right to know what’s he been saying to whom, and for how long.”

Calls to Fr. Neeyahj were not returned. A parish official told AoftheA News his whereabouts were a secret.

 

3

PopeWatch: Offensive Catholics

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

A Catholic university is under fire this week after school administrators accidentally hired 37-year-old Todd Alguire, a practicing Catholic, to head their Department of Theology.

Diocesan bishop Kevin Sterling  has now demanded an investigation into the ‘offensive’ hiring after rumors spread that students would need to “brush up on the fundamentals of the Catholic  faith” before beginning this upcoming semester.

Ryan Gurley, a sophomore who described himself as ‘devoutly spiritual,’ told EOTT that his refusal to participate in any further religion classes might lead to his suspension.

“I understand that I’ll eventually either be suspended, or I won’t ever be able to graduate, but I have to stand my ground. I’ll never cave when it comes to my faith. I’m a spiritual zealot, which means I faithfully believe in every religion – so long as it isn’t Christianity, of course.  And that’s why I now stand on my rights as an American citizen and Catholic to not be forced to have to learn the tenets of Catholicism in a Catholic school. What next, having to learn the fundamentals of analytic geometry in Calculus class?”

School officials say that the accidental hiring of Mr. Alguire came after someone in the administration’s office neglected to perform a competent background check.

“This is a major oversight and, as you can probably imagine, a very embarrassing moment for the university,” said one school official. “The background process is pretty simple and straight forward. As a proud Catholic university, we do not ask for resumes or any other official documents proving competency. The only thing we do is to make sure that the applicant is either an anti-Catholic Protestant, an atheist, or an agnostic, and that if the applicant does happen to be a Catholic, that he attends no more than two masses a year, preferably none. When it comes to nearly all other departments outside of History and a couple of others, the door is wide open to practicing Catholics. That’s what makes us a Catholic university. Also, we just put up some bland, random crosses around the university so that parents of potential students may feel proud and comfortable not only sending their children here, but for paying the outrageous tuition we charge to do so.” Continue Reading

PopeWatch: Ad Orientem

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

After conducting his first symphony since being named Maestro of the New Mexico Philharmonic, Chinese-born Li Wei Chen has been under heavy scrutiny from longtime patrons for conducting Beethoven’s famous 9th Symphony while facing the orchestra.

Season subscriber Lance Humphrey told EOTT that he was offended that Chen did not conduct facing the audience like their old maestro.

“Look, I understand that the symphony is still the symphony no matter what, but I just think that turning his back toward us while conducting just takes us back to an archaic time.”

Many have reportedly labelled Chen a “Symphonic Rad Trad,” saying that he was out of touch with mainstream music.

New Mexico Symphony donor Cecilia Cotes told EOTT that it reminded her of times when she would be in music class and would be “whacked on the knuckles with a violin bow.”

“It’s completely outdated. What we want is Maestro Chen to turn and face us so that we can feel like we’re participating in the orchestral movements. Does that make sense?”

At press time, Chen has said that he would not turn to face the people, but would consider allowing a number patrons on stage to turn the pages of the sheet music during concerts. Continue Reading

9

Not My Paws Only But All of Me!

 

 

Larry D at Acts of the Apostasy brings us this news:

 

ROME – Reports from the Vatican indicate that Pope Francis has scheduled a stop at a local animal shelter to wash the paws of 12 dogs on Holy Thursday, after washing inmates’ feet at an Italian prison.

Church officials told the AoftheA News Vatican Bureau that Pope Francis is excited to visit the dogs spending the Easter holiday at the shelter, and extend this act of mercy towards them. It’s unsure if he will wash all four paws, or just their front paws.

“His Holiness feels that dogs deserve to be treated this way, as it’s quite evident that Jesus had a soft spot in his heart for dogs,” one official said, speaking under condition of anonymity. “You see in scripture how dogs cared for Lazarus by licking his sores, showing that they lived their Christian faith better than others at that time. You see how the Canaanite woman changed Jesus’ mind when she said ‘even dogs eat scraps that fall from their master’s table’. Plus, it wasn’t that long ago that Pope Francis declared that dogs indeed go to heaven, so it’s entirely appropriate to being Christ, and bringing Christ, to them.”

Another official said the Holy Father believes Christ’s mercy is available to every living thing, including those with mange, hip dysplasia, or worms. “Jesus didn’t come for the healthy, but for the sick. His Holiness reminds us, though, to be wary of those ridden with fleas, for if you lie with them, you will certainly rise with them and be infested.”

Animal activists are pleased with the Holy Father’s plans, and that he will be raising animal rights awareness. Amanda Hugginkhyss, director of “Animals Are People Too”, said it’s a strong sign Pope Francis is making the Catholic Church a more inclusive place. “Is what he’s doing perfect? No, but it’s a start, and like all progressive initiatives, all we hope for is a crack through which we can infiltrate, and then start making our demands for animal rights in the church.”

When asked why cats housed at the shelter aren’t included, one official told AoftheA News: “Cats are evil, that’s why.”

He also confirmed that Pope Francis’ favorite movie is “All Dogs Go To Heaven”, but wasn’t all that impressed with the sequel. Continue Reading

PopeWatch: Checkmate

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Society of St. Pius X chess grandmaster Larcel Mafebvre has turned four of his pieces into bishops without approval from the World Chess Federation, officials have confirmed.

“Mr. Mafebvre has, without approval from the Federation, created bishops out of pawn pieces,” said World Chess Federation head Antonio Salamanca. “After speaking with Mr. Mafebvre regarding abiding by the new chess rules, wherein players are given the freedom to concelebrate the match, and to say the words of ‘checkmate’ in the vernacular, he has sadly decided to ignore our requests.”

Salamanca went on to tell reporters that Mafebvre had automatically incurred excheckommunication because of his disobedience.

“I must do what is in my conscience to preserve the dignity of the game,”  Mafebvre told EOTT in an exclusive interview. “Therefore, I have decided to consecrate four of my pieces into bishops to help my depleted side, for, from some Fischer, the smoke of Satan has entered the chessboard of God.”

At press time, one time follower of Larcel Mafebvre’s, Bavid Dawden, told EOTT that he has decided to become head of the World Chess Federation, though he only has three pawns to play with. Continue Reading

3

I Resemble That Remark

 

 

From LarryD at Acts of the Apostasy:

 

Horace MacTaverson, long time parishioner at Our Lady of Special Occasions, told AoftheA News this morning that he’s mighty unhappy it’s likely he won’t get to park in his regular spot this Easter.

“First row, next to the last handicap space,” he growled. “8:30 Mass, every Sunday mornin’, for the past thirty-one years.” Horace stared off into the distance and noisily clicked his partial upper plate. “Except on Easter. And that one time it snowed so hard I couldn’t make it up the drive, but that don’t count none.”

He narrowed his eyes. “Those dang Chreasters, showin’ up two times a year, actin’ like they own the place, parkin’ wherever they dang well feel like it,” he grumbled. “No respect, I tell ya. No respect!”

Horace ran his weathered hand through his sparse hair. “This is gonna mess up my mornin’ schedule. Instead of arrivin’ at ten minutes past the hour like always, I hafta get here at ten minutes before the hour, and even that’s no guar-own-tee my spot won’t be taken!”

His jaw clenched. “Just thinkin’ about this is gettin’ my goat. My whole Sunday mornin’ routine is gonna get screwed up. I hope Father says sumthin’ about this in his sermon, give these Chreasters the ol’ what for. Downright rude, coming to Easter Mass and makin’ me park somewhere else. But he’ll prob’bly just talk about love, and peace, and other stuff like that.”

Horace wagged his index finger. “And don’t get me started about my seat being taken neither! Third row, on the aisle, behind the Pattersons.” His shoulders shook with a violent quiver. “God, Easter is the worst.”

 

Continue Reading

12

National Atheist Day 2017

Another April 1 rolls around, and it is time again to observe National Atheist Day and salute those atheists who, as part of the herd of independent atheist thinkers, bravely assert that, yes, matter and energy did arise ex nihilo without God, and that belief in God is too silly for a person of intelligence.  (Sorry Saint Augustine and  Saint Thomas Aquinas!  Sir Isaac Newton you simply lacked the intellectual heft to embrace belief in non-theism.)

 

In honor of the day, I think Sir Francis Bacon’s essay Of Atheism from 1601 might be appropriate:  Continue Reading

1

PopeWatch: Diplomatic Jesus

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Cincinnati, OH––Catholic book publisher and distributer St. Clare Press announced today that their new non-confrontational translation of the Bible will be released sometime this September. St. Clare executive Roger Hammond told the press this week that he hopes the new translation helps to appease the minds of critics that have long called the Bible violent and judgmental. “It took close to a decade to complete this ambitious translation, and we’re confident it’ll help people better understand the all-encompassing compassion contained within the scriptures. Hammond goes on to explain one of the most riveting scenes in the New Testament where Jesus, after having overturned the tables of the money changers, goes back to help clean up, apologizing profusely as he does so. Another scene in which the compassion and kindness of Jesus shines forth is Matthew 16:23 where, after having been asked by Peter to not enter Jerusalem and eventually into the hands of the Pharisees, Jesus asks Peter to “hold that thought for a moment,” before addressing Satan; “Satan, if you wouldn’t moving just a tad bit behind me? I’d really like to get this little point across to Peter. I feel so rude asking you this, but…I mean don’t go out of your way or anything…” Hammond went on to tell reporters that the project has become a kind of therapy for all those involved in the project. One employee of St. Clare Press, Beverly Tomas, said that seeing Christ in a new, more tender, and compassionate way helped her get over years of abuse she suffered by “strict and judgmental nuns.” “I remember sitting back just a year ago and reading a newly translated verse in which the old Christ would’ve said something like “Woe to you, Pharisees, you hypocrites,” but now he gently places a hand on the shoulder of a Pharisee, pleadingly, and says,”Come on guys…I was gonna call you a whited-washed sepulchers, but honestly, I don’t think you’re a bad person…I just think maybe you’re hurting,” and lightly tapping the Pharisee on the chest, Jesus said unto him, “Hey, guy…you wanna know what I think? I think you’re hurting inside…hurting right there in that big ol’ heart of yours. Is that’s why you’re acting like this? Wanna talk about it?”

 

Continue Reading

4

Nap Time

 

From LarryD at Acts of the Apostasy:

 

SLEEPY HOLLOW – Three-year-old Remy Nodderson took full advantage of the gospel at Sunday’s Mass, as the priest read the long form rather than omitting the bracketed sections, allowing him to get what he called “the best nap I’ve had in weeks”.

“I was all prepared to throw a Category 6 tantrum,” Remy told AoftheA News. “It welled up inside me during the Responsorial Psalm, and I felt it cresting during the second reading. But when Father went long form for the Gospel? It was lights out, baby.”

Remy’s nap on the cushioned, soft-as-a-cloud pew bench, his head supported by his dad’s comfortably weathered leather jacket, lasted until the Sign of Peace, when his older sister Corma stepped on his face as she reached out to hug her mother.

“Yeah, if she hadn’t shoved her Florsheim up my nose, I would’ve slumbered like a baby through Holy Communion, nestled safely against daddy’s shoulder. I thought about screaming like a stuck pig for maybe half a second, but damn, that nap was soooo good. I really couldn’t care less.”

Remy yawned, stretched his little limbs, and cracked his knuckles. “Sure, my parents are grateful now. Wait til it’s 2 in the morning, and they’re still trying to make me go to bed.” Continue Reading

Bear Growls: That’s the Way It Is?

 

 

Our bruin friend at Saint Corbinian’s Bear gives us a Bear’s view of current events as gleaned from the mainstream press:

 

Here is a recap of world news based on the Bear’s cursory reading of stories the past few days. The Bear has been busy and may have gotten a few details wrong, but he’s pretty sure the gist is accurate.

  • WASHINGTON D.C. (March 24, 2017) — Trump the Usurper hosted a hunting trip for Soviet strongman Vladimir Putin. The pair were seen on the banks of the Potomac River clubbing adorable baby river seals to death with babies. Witnesses also report Trump the Usurper backed a dump truck full of $100,000,000 bills and buried a laughing Putin. The two men spent the rest of the afternoon playing in the pile of money like children in autumn leaves.
  • WASHINGTON D.C. (March 24, 2017) — Legitimate President Dear Leader Hillary Clinton staged a lightning raid on Richmond, Virginia yesterday, freeing thousands of slaves. Trump the Usurper had last Thursday declared the Thirteenth and Fourteenth Amendments to the constitution null and void, opening the way for the return of slavery for the first time since 1957. A Gallup poll shows 100% of Americans support the campaign of Dear Leader to restore America to the golden years when Legitimate First Partner Bill Clinton was president.
  • PARIS (March 23, 2017) —  The religious harmony of France was broken by a White male using a loudspeaker to cry “Jesus is Lord” from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Witnesses say he had a distinct American southern accent and raised an enormous Confederate flag on the tip of the landmark. He mowed down thousands of curious Parisians gathered below with an automatic machine assault rifle firing bullets of depleted uranium. With a final cry of “Soldiers of the Cross do thou likewise” he detonate a 20 megaton nuclear bomb strapped to his back, destroying France.
  • VATICAN (March 24, 2017) — Today Generic Spiritual Leader of the World Pope Francis condemned frequent terrorist attacks by Christians. “Out of all religions, why do we only see Christians committing all these terrorist acts? The exclusivist nature of a religion that offers only one means of salvation can only breed hatred. Their beliefs taste like excrement in my mouth.” The pontiff announced that a new bible was being prepared that eliminates all references to violence and incorporates wisdom from other faiths.

Continue Reading

4

PopeWatch: Leaving on a Jet Plane

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Roman Curia officials pulled out all the stops this year to celebrate the 4th anniversary of Pope Francis’ accession to the Throne of St. Peter after scrounging together a few hundred Euro to surprise him with an unforgettable one-way ticket to his native Buenos Aires.

“He’s been working so hard lately, we thought he could use an extended, indefinite getaway,” said Msgr. Giuseppe Bernardo, an attaché attached to the Papal Household. “Plus it’s a 14-hour flight…ample time for several meandering in-flight press scrums.”

“He’s going to love this!” honorary prelate Anotonio Vada said, trying to contain his excitement. “We even had his boarding pass printed on poster-board like those giant ceremonial checks diocesan bishops are so fond of.”

 

At press time, the Curia was preparing to clean the universal Church while the boss was away.

“He left behind a pretty big mess,” an unnamed Cardinal prefect whispered.  “This may take a century or more.  Some of the stains might never come out.”

Continue Reading

20

Cry Rooms and Blogging

 

 

I make a point of stopping by Acts of the Apostasy a few times a week.  Here is a sample of why I do so:

 

” title=”

CHEYENNE – As Catholic Mommy blogger Courtney Kitchener-McGavin held her slightly irritable two-year old daughter Jayden during Sunday’s 11:00 AM Mass, she mentally drafted a white-hot post condemning the parishioners around her who were perturbed she didn’t take her daughter to the crying room.

“These people are gonna get it,” she hissed, her nostrils flared and eyes narrowed to mere slits of seething anger. “Tomorrow’s blog post is going to absolutely rip these people a new one. How dare they look at me with disapproval and a judgmental attitude? Don’t they know who I am?”

Courtney’s blog, “Stressed, Blest, and Breast is Best”, is one of the most widely read Catholic mommy blogs on the Internet, with tens of thousands of followers and subscribers.

“I get a million page views a month, so I have cred,” she said, her shoulders visibly shaking with rage. “These people are going to be sorry. So is the priest! The way he glanced at me when Jayden whimpered a couple times during his homily? I know what he was thinking, and frankly, I’m not going to take it.”

Courtney jotted snarky remarks and clever criticisms on an unused collection envelope during the Prayers for the Faithful, nodding approvingly with her choice selection of apt descriptors and moderate alliterations.

“Ooh, I really like the way that sounds,” she cooed, like Cruella de Vil taunting a helpless Dalmatian pup, her lips forming a self-satisfied smirk. “This is gonna be soooo good. This will go viral.”

In a rare move, Courtney bustled Jayden and her husband Roddy out of the church immediately following Holy Communion.

“I need to get home and post this right away, while it’s fresh. If there are two things I’ve learned about Catholic blogging, it’s one, write while the emotions are high and the fury is raging. And two, follow up humble apology posts are really, really popular.”

 

 

Continue Reading

3

PopeWatch: Bugged

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The Vatican has refused to say whether an apology was in the works after eavesdropping allegations were made by Francis last week against his predecessor.

Pope Francis’ claim that his confessional was wiretapped by Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI has yet to be supported by evidence, but the Pontiff isn’t ready to apologize for the accusation just yet.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Director of the Holy See Press Office Greg Burke told reporters on Friday when asked if Francis would apologize to Pope Benedict if his allegations were debunked. “I think it’s important to see where this goes, and I don’t want to prejudge the investigation at this time.”

Pope Francis has alleged in a number of tweets last Saturday that Benedict had let Vatican officials conduct surveillance on his Buenos Aires confessional before becoming pope.

“Terrible! Just found out that Benedict had my ‘wires tapped’ in San Roberto Bellarmino Church In Buenos Aires just before my papal victory. Nothing found!”

 

Go here to read the comments.  PopeWatch attempted to contact the Vatican for comment, but when his phone began to make odd sounds like a Bulgarian singing a Gregorian chant backwards, PopeWatch hastily ended the call.

4

Friar Moustache

I assume that Saint Francis is giving this a big thumbs up from Heaven:

St. Francis Monastery in Cochabamba, Bolivia is named after the patron saint of dogs, so it makes sense that one of their newest members happens to be a stray dog they’ve rescued off of the streets. Named Friar Bigotón, which adorably translates to Friar Moustache, this lucky pup has his own habit and monk duties, and is given free roam of the monastery. Continue Reading

3

PopeWatch: Pope Burke

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

In an epic mistake that drew gasps from Catholics and non-Catholics around the world yesterday, Cardinal Protodeacon Jean-Louis Tauran recently announced that he mistakenly named Jorge Mario Bergoglio as pope at the 2013 Papal Conclave, when in reality it was Cardinal Raymond Burke that won the top prize.

The newly-elected Pope Francis was saying some random thing that would have made many Catholics scratching their heads when the interjection came that Burke had in fact been elected pope.

“I want to tell you what happened,” Tauran told press gathered at the Vatican yesterday. “I opened the envelope, and it said ‘Jorge Mario Bergoglio, La La Church.’”

“Burke,” the story of a white, Catholic, conservative man had already won best supporting cardinal for Making Things Look A Little Less Out Of Control.

“Very clearly, even in my prayers this could not be true,” Burke told those gathered in St. Peter’s Square. “But to hell with it, I’m done with it, because this is true. Oh my goodness.”

It was not immediately clear how the mistake was made, though EOTT tweeted out a photo that showed that the envelope in Tauran’s hand reading “Best Bishop Of A Diocese That Is Not The Diocese of Rome.”

Continue Reading

9

Quick! Someone Get Warren Beatty Up Here!

 

LarryD at Acts of the Apostasy gives us a timely lesson in alternate Church history:

” title=”

(AoftheANews) – CARTHAGE, 397 AD – Confusion reigned for several moments last night during the closing ceremonies of the Council of Carthage, as presenters of the Inspired Scripture: Gospels category accidentally announced the Gospel of Thomas, along with Matthew, Luke, and John, as having won.

Members of the Gnostic community were already on stage to receive the award, when a flurry of activity behind the scenes caused confusion and delay.

“As soon as I saw acolytes and presbyters scurrying around, passing scrolls to one another, with panicked looks on their faces, I knew something was amiss,” one Gnostic said. “I had this feeling they were keeping secret knowledge from us, and I became concerned.”

Moments later, amidst cries of “Heresy!” and “Anathema sit!” from the stunned crowd, a council official announced that the Gospel of Thomas was mistakenly announced as being inspired and canonical, saying that the winner was the Gospel of Mark. The news was greeted with thunderous applause and cheers.

The Gnostic community was understandably upset. “Sure, Mark’s been a de facto Gospel for a couple centuries, but we thought we had a legit shot at this council. Yeah, we fell short in 251, 256, and 345, but we felt really confident. Maybe 411 will be our year.”

 

Continue Reading

2

PopeWatch: Clown Masses

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Reports out of Cincinnati, Ohio today suggest sightings of Creepy Clown Masses are on the rise nationwide, and at levels not seen since the introduction of the 3rd typical edition of the Roman Missal five years ago.

While anecdotes abounded in the 1990’s, most Catholics had never seen a Creepy Clown Mass themselves until recently.

“I was ascending the side altar for my morning Latin Mass when I suddenly heard a calliope playing ‘All Are Welcome’ for a procession of creepy clowns in the nave,” said Monsignor Adrian Fitch. “They wouldn’t leave until I let them present the gifts. Another time I felt this hand on my shoulder and, at first, I thought it was just crazy ol’ Sister Ann [Provincial of the Congregation of Pant-Suited Pantomimes] extending her hand again for the Consecration, but nope, it was a freakin’ creepy clown with a chalice in one hand and a machete in the other.”

While some are calling the phenomenon a natural response to calls for more inclusive and diverse faith communities, others are calling it a publicity stunt for the upcoming Vigil of All Saints Day.  A growing minority, however, are attributing it to the circus atmosphere of the current Pontificate. Continue Reading

8

PopeWatch: Tramp Stamp

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

According to several reports out today, the Vatican will be issuing lower back tattoos to Catholics in honor of German priest and protestant reformer Martin Luther this October.

Although Martin Luther was declared a heretic and excommunicated in 1521, Vatican officials have reportedly sent letters to all Catholics that are “able and willing” to visit Rome for the “official issuing of the ecclesiastical tramp stamp.”

“We believe that Martin Luther, though deemed a heretic by the antiquated Catholic Church, is deserving of recognition for being a witness to the gospel,” said Vatican Tramp Stamp official Eduardo Rosalini. “Also because we want people to like us. No matter whether it’s our fault or not. We do as Christ did in the Scriptures when he apologized to Pontius Pilate, blaming hypocritical members of the Sanhedrin for driving [Pilate] away from a potential conversion to Judaism.”

Rosalini went on to say that, although Catholics will not be eligible for indulgences for getting the tramp stamp due to Luther’s stance on the issue, they will, nevertheless, be compensated with salvation “no matter what sins they commit after the getting the tattoo.” Continue Reading

5

PopeWatch: Safe Spaces

PopeWatch2-199x300-199x300-199x300

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops met in Baltimore yesterday to discuss churches in the United States providing “safe spaces” from hostile Catholic teachings, such as abortion and same-sex marriage.

Bishops at the assembly said that serving Catholics that are emotionally distraught by certain Church teachings is “part of our identity as Catholics,’’ and pledged to provide safe spaces in every church in America.

‘‘We stand ready to work with frustrated Catholics and to provide them with safe spaces within churches where they may go during homilies that are hostile in nature,” bishops said. “Our duty as shepherds is to lead our flock not only to the good news of Jesus Christ, but also to the well of refuge from insensitive, unsympathetic, and judgmental teachings. That well ought to be within a cry room, which shall remain being called ‘cry rooms,’ as all are welcome to express their feelings, either by outrage or outright crying, within these rooms without feeling threatened by the glare of impolitically correct, rigid parishioners. I propose that these adult cry rooms should be specifically designed for emotional adults so that they may participate and partake in the Mass while being acoustically sealed off, so that they may not hear whatever is being spewed out of the mouth of an insensitive priest.”

 

The bishops went on to pledge that they will work to ease doctrinal rhetoric in churches, saying that “just like any other work place, a church is not an appropriate place to discuss politics or religion.”

At press time, bishops are voting on whether to grant a dispensation to Catholics who are still emotionally unsettled by Trump’s presidential victory from having to attend Mass until he is out of office. Continue Reading

14

PopeWatch: Rigid Moses

PopeWatch2-199x300-199x300-199x300

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber

 

Pope Francis on Monday warned against the excessive rigidity of the Ten Commandments and said “God gives us the freedom to search our own conscience for commandments.”

“I always try to understand what’s behind people who are too young to have seen Moses walk down from Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments, and yet still they want to obey them,” Francis said. “Sometimes I find myself confronted with a very legalistic person who follows the Commandments and I ask myself, ‘Why so much rigidity?’ This rigidity in following the Commandments always hides something, insecurity or even something else.”

Pope Francis went on to say that, “Behind an attitude of always feeling like you must follow the rigidity of the Commandments there is something else in the life of a person. The Commandments are not a gift of God. The Beatitudes are because they are not a list of rules that stiffen us and make us rigid; they make us feel good.” Continue Reading