PopeWatch: Let God Sort ‘Em Out

Saturday, July 22, AD 2017

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

VATICAN––The Vatican this morning is announcing that every pope that has ever lived, including ones still living, is to be canonized by the end of the year, sources are confirming.

The news comes just a week after John XXIII and John Paul II were canonized, and a day after it was announced that Paul VI was to be beatified later this year.

A Vatican insider told EOTT today that Pope Francis awoke earlier this morning shouting, “Canonize them all! Canonize them all!”

“He woke up in hysterics, telling everyone he passed that he wanted to canonize all the popes who came before him,” the insider said. “He said that by knocking out all the popes at once, that it would give him time to focus all his energy on the Church Militant.”

Speaking from his grave this morning, Pope Alexander VI, known by many historians to be the worst pope of all time, said that he couldn’t believe the news when he heard it. “Get the hell out of here! Oops, sorry about that. But seriously?”

Although the date of the canonizations has yet to be announced, Vatican officials said that since the requirement for miracles had been waived, they hope to canonize everyone by November.

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PopeWatch: Deadbeat

Saturday, July 15, AD 2017

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The mother of local deadbeat Anthony Green confirmed to friends and family today that the sweet, pretty girl that sits behind her at Mass on Sundays would be “just perfect” for her son.

Tamara Green, mother of four, excitedly told those gathered at their weekly bingo night that the “adorable thing” is just what her son needed to get his life on track.

“When I first saw her, I definitely thought she could be the one I’ve been praying for to whip him into shape,” Tamara Green said as she mumbled a quick prayer to St. Raphael. “He’s been out sowing his wild oats—such a typical boy—but I’d like it if he would settle down and raise a nice little Catholic family. When I spotted her volunteering at the St. Vincent de Paul Village on Tuesday, I just knew she was his match made in heaven. My son never volunteers, so she’d be a great influence on him. I just have to devise a creative little meetup since I know I would never be able to get him to go to Mass and see for himself.”

Tamara Green also said that she was hopeful that God was calling the “precious little angel” to work tirelessly for the rest of her life tending to Anthony, and in doing so, giving up her dreams of possibly becoming a nun or marrying an honest and respectable man of God.

“The thing is, God calls all of us to carry our cross, and I truly believe that Anthony is the cross this girl might need. He’ll give her the opportunity to strengthen her patience, just as she’ll sanctify him by getting him to stop playing video games, to get a job, start attending Mass, and getting him to stop leaving crumbs all over his bedroom.”

At press time, family and friends are concerned for the well-being of the girl in question, and are quietly saying a prayer to St. Raphael to not let Tamara Green’s prayers be answered.

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PopeWatch: Box Office

Saturday, July 8, AD 2017

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

It’s been three years since Benedict’s colossal battle with the Roman Curia devastated Vatican City. The loss of spiritual life and collateral damage left many Catholics feeling angry and helpless about the Church hierarchy, including corruption-fighting Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio. Convinced that members of the hierarchy surrounding Benedict is now a threat to Holy Mother Church, Bergoglio embarks on a personal vendetta to end their reign at the Vatican, while the conniving Walter Kasper launches his own crusade against ‘God’s Rottweiler’.

Benedict v Francis: Dawn of Mercy is out and reviews for the latest movie from DC/Vatican Cinematic Universe are not impressive.

Although the film, which currently has only a 29 percent rating on Catholic movie review site Decent Films, has been universally panned by critics, it’s opening weekend brought in an estimated $70.1 dollars in the Vatican alone.

The superpapal showdown, which cost nearly $1,000 dollars to make, is DC/Vatican Cinematic Universe studio’s bid to kick-start a Catholic movie universe to rival the protestant’s massively successful movie empire that has produced multi-hundred dollar cash cows, God Is Not Dead, God Is Not Dead 2, and the upcoming film, God is Still Not Dead.

But although critics have panned the movie, audiences have given the film a 65 percent rating, which suggests that many moviegoers don’t necessarily agree with critics.

“I thought it was pretty cool,” one viewer told EOTT after seeing the movie. “I mean, some weird choices, that’s for sure, like how Benedict and Francis stop fighting once they find out they both love Jesus. Francis has Benedict on the ground, you know, cause Benedict’s old, and before he delivers the final blow, Benedict calls out to Jesus for mercy, and Francis is all like, ‘WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME! WHY DID YOU SAY JESUS!’ and they realize they both love Jesus and stop fighting.”

Another viewer told EOTT that the movie was decent until the tension really began to pick up toward the latter half of the film.

“Yeah, that’s when it started getting pretty interesting. The bad guy Walter Kasper unleashes this monster he calls Synod, and both Benedict and Francis have to fight together to defeat it.

Benedict v Francis is the fourth biggest opening for a comic book adaptation, behind three protestant films, The Reformers, Ex-Catholic-Men, and The Dark Night of the Soul Rises.

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PopeWatch: UberMass

Saturday, July 1, AD 2017

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Uber has announced plans to begin offering Mass deliveries beginning early next year.

Attempting to expand beyond the borders of ridesharing and food delivery, Uber will launch its UberMass service in Grand Rapids, Michigan before expanding to other cities later in the year.

According to listings on a number of job recruiting websites, UberMass is advertising for a number of “priest jobs” not only ranging from saying Mass, but to hearing confessions and giving last rites, showing that the company is serious about reaching everyone “where they’re at.”

“There’s a lot of momentum in the organization behind UberMass, and we think the market is ripe for Mass delivery,” said UberMass general manager Simon Patel at a launch event in New York on Wednesday. “As numbers has proven, Mass attendance have been plummeting for some time now. We think that can be fixed. Catholics will simply go to the app, order a priest, and one will be dropped off to them. Easy as that, they fulfil their Sunday obligation.”

Patel said that for an extra charge, UberMass customers will also be able to purchase add-ons such as a guitarist to play hymns during the Mass, a friendly usher to greet them in their own home, as well as a sick parishioner to come and sit directly next to them on the couch.

Uber is also considering a UberMassShare option which would be cheaper, and would allow others around the neighborhood to join in the Mass and to split the cost.

“All this will be available to our customers so that they no longer need to leave the comfort of their homes to experience the beauty of Mass. Depending on the success of our new venture, we’re also considering UberConfession as well as UberXtremeUnction.”

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2 Responses to PopeWatch: UberMass

  • When I first read the title, this is what ran through my mind:June 30 Martin Luther believed in the lay priesthood as were all the Jewish people. Luther believed that the Holy Eucharist, that is Holy Communion ceased to exist after Consecration by the ordained ministerial priesthood, for the lay communicant if the communicant’s Faith did not bring him to acknowledge that the Holy Eucharist was the Body and Blood of Our Lord, Jesus Christ. If the individual of the lay priesthood receiving the Holy Eucharist had doubts about the Real Presence under the appearances of bread and wine, then there was no Holy Eucharist for that person.
    Receiving the Holy Eucharist unworthily damns the individual. While those innocent
    persons who have not yet reached the fullness of Faith are not subject to such damnation. These persons receive the Body and Blood of Our Lord, Jesus Christ on the Faith of the ordained priest, in the same manner as an infant is baptized into the Catholic Faith on the Faith of his baptismal Godparents and sponsors. (That is why the sponsors are called Godparents)
    The ordained ministerial priesthood does indeed consecrate the Body and Blood of Our Lord, Jesus Christ. Luther held that unless the communicant believed in the Real Presence, he did not receive The Body and Blood of Our Lord, Jesus Christ, somehow undoing the Consecration and Transubstantiation.
    If Luther was ex-communicated, then Luther passed his ex-communication onto all persons.
    As all citizens are constituents of the president of the United States, all lay persons are constituents of the lay priesthood and are the faithful of the Supreme Pontiff in Rome. Every Mass is said for all people. This sentence is the gist of the matter.
    Evidently, Martin Luther had his pen and his thesis and he abandoned his flock.
    Now that I have read the post this is what I say: Missionary priests are needed all over America. Missionary priests have the power to say Mass in the home. However, I do realize that this post is meant to reflect the silliness of our culture.

  • OPPS. I guess I will be celebrating the Fourth of July on Wednesday.

9 Responses to You Just Want People to Die!

PopeWatch: Get Thee to a Nunnery

Saturday, June 10, AD 2017

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

After several public failed relationships and an embarrassing 8-months without a boyfriend, award winning singer-songwriter Taylor Swift announced today via Twitter that she was leaving the music industry to become a nun.

“With some prayer, and lots of thinking about boys, I’ve decided to become a nun,” she  wrote on Twitter.

Swift’s agent Rod Steelman confirmed this morning that she has been accepted into the Monastery of Our Lady of Perpetual Disappointment, a convent exclusively for women who respond to a calling immediately after experiencing a devastating breakup.

“She told me a few months ago that she had discerned entering a convent every time she had ever had a breakup, but that this last breakup  was different,” Steelman told EOTT. “She said that she was thinking about how Jesus seemed like the only man that wouldn’t ever break up with her, and how she would never have to write a song about him like she did other men in her life. That’s when it dawned on her to get herself to the nunnery.”

Swift has won several awards, including  ten Grammy Awards, one Emmy Award, and  21 Billboard Music Awards. Forbes recently named her in their annual 100 Most Powerful Women.

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One Response to PopeWatch: Get Thee to a Nunnery

  • “She said that she was thinking about how Jesus seemed like the only man that wouldn’t ever break up with her, ”
    Jesus is the only man who would never break up with her. For real. And convents are good places to write songs about The Beloved.
    Hopefully Taylor Swift will take EOTT’s advise.

4 Responses to You’re Welcome?

  • The obvious naval, the belly button on the guy proves that he is not infinite and therefore, not God, eternal, “their Creator” and Endower of all to mankind. So, “you’re welcome” ought to be a thanksgiving to almighty God, not to the Polynesian Hercules. I like “The Rock” as a person and this is just a job for him but he needs to discover and accept the TRUTH of an infinite God, three PERSONS in one God. Disney needs help. Gheesh I have to fast and diet more. Lay off the tapioca.

  • Bah, he does just fine. Not going to become a professional singer any time soon, and it’s simple, but I like simple.

    ….although I HAD just gotten the dang thing out of my head yesterday.

  • Aaaaand now the Princess wants to hear it again. 😀

  • Not as catching or as irritating as Disney’s It’s a Small, Small World.

8 Responses to Bye, Bye, Miss Empire Pie

  • One of his best. Right up there with “eat it”, “amish paradise”, and “word crimes”.

    Saw him in concert. Twice. If you get the chance, go to one, the man puts on a damn fine show. (and seems to legitmiately love & appreciate his fans)

  • Never heard of this guy but he fabulous.

  • “The Saga Begins”
    Weird Al Yankovic

    A long, long time ago
    In a galaxy far away
    Naboo was under an attack
    And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn
    Could talk the federation into
    Maybe cutting them a little slack
    But their response, it didn’t thrill us
    They locked the doors and tried to kill us
    We escaped from that gas
    Then met Jar Jar and Boss Nass
    We took a bongo from the scene
    And we went to Theed to see the Queen
    We all wound up on Tatooine
    That’s where we found this boy…

    Oh my my this here Anakin guy
    May be Vader someday later – now he’s just a small fry
    And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
    Sayin’ “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi”
    “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi”

    Did you know this junkyard slave
    Isn’t even old enough to shave
    But he can use the Force, they say
    Ah, do you see him hitting on the queen
    Though he’s just nine and she’s fourteen
    Yeah, he’s probably gonna marry her someday
    Well, I know he built C-3PO
    And I’ve heard how fast his pod can go
    And we were broke, it’s true
    So we made a wager or two
    He was a prepubescent flyin’ ace
    And the minute Jabba started off that race
    Well, I knew who would win first place
    Oh yes, it was our boy

    We started singin’ …
    My my this here Anakin guy
    May be Vader someday later – now he’s just a small fry
    And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
    Sayin’ “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi”
    “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi”

    Now we finally got to Coruscant
    The Jedi Council we knew would want
    To see how good the boy could be
    So we took him there and we told the tale
    How his midi-chlorians were off the scale
    And he might fulfill that prophecy
    Oh, the Council was impressed, of course
    Could he bring balance to the Force?
    They interviewed the kid
    Oh, training they forbid
    Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
    And Qui-Gon said “Now listen here”
    “Just stick it in your pointy ear”
    “I still will teach this boy”

    He was singin’ …
    My my this here Anakin guy
    May be Vader someday later – now he’s just a small fry
    And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
    Sayin’ “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi”
    “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi”

    We caught a ride back to Naboo
    ‘Cause Queen Amidala wanted to
    I frankly would’ve liked to stay
    We all fought in that epic war
    And it wasn’t long at all before
    Little Hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
    And in the end some Gunguns died
    Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
    A lot of folks were croakin’
    The battle droids were broken
    And the Jedi I admire most
    Met up with Darth Maul and now he’s toast
    Well, I’m still here and he’s a ghost
    I guess I’ll train this boy

    And I was singin’ …
    My my this here Anakin guy
    May be Vader someday later – now he’s just a small fry
    And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
    Sayin’ “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi”
    “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi”

    We were singin’ …
    My my this here Anakin guy
    May be Vader someday later – now he’s just a small fry
    And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
    Sayin’ “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi”

  • Michael Dowd, really? Oh I’m a bit jealous, getting to rediscover Weird Al for the first time…

    Here’s his official youtube channel. Have fun. 😆

    Another good one:

  • UHF – 1989 movie starring Weird Al. His uncle hands George (Al) the keys to a UHF TV station with ratings in the basement. Very funny. Even funnier if one’s knows their way around a small market UHF station.

  • “Running with Scissors” which includes “The Saga Begins” was the first cd that I bought as I switched over from tapes. Great stuff.

  • I never know what to expect when I log on to The American Catholic. It is always enlightening but Weird Al is a treat. If some here are just discovering him; great! Check his album Poodle Hat which features Ode to a Superhero. It is Billy Joel’s Piano Man sung about Spider-Man. On the same album is Bob. This song is made up entirely of palindromes and sung as Bob Dylan. The non-sensical lyrics that palindromes necessarily are, sound perfectly appropriate in Bob Dylan’s voice. Ebay is also hilarious. Actually my only familiarity with current music is if Weird Al does a parody of it.

  • Saw him in concert. Twice. If you get the chance, go to one, the man puts on a damn fine show. (and seems to legitmiately love & appreciate his fans)

    My mom’s a big fan, and my dad quietly enjoys it– since they have both literally been Generic Ranch Couple for multiple magazines, that can confuse some folks. 😀

    One of my favorites:
    https://youtu.be/FhbPLu_qDc0

The Russians are Coming! The Russians are Coming!

Monday, May 22, AD 2017

 

 

LarryD at Acts of the Apostasy reminds us to keep an eye on the Rooskies:

MADISON – According to members of the Our Lady of the Third Degree parish council, their pastor revealed sensitive parish information to members of a Russian Orthodox church during a recent ecumenical visit.

Unconfirmed reports from council members requesting anonymity told AoftheA News that Fr. S. P. Neeyahj held a private meeting with Russian Orthodox representatives for thirty minutes this past Monday, during which classified information was divulged. They participated in an ecumenical prayer service sponsored by Our Lady of the Third Degree, and after the event, Neeyahj invited them into his parish office.

Parish officials denied the allegations at first, but were forced to scramble for explanations after Fr. Neeyahj tweeted out “Great mtg with Russian friends! Shared our summer parish picnic theme & exchanged secret potluck recipes. #BrothersInFaith”.

“As pastor, he has the right to declassify any information he wants,” one source told AoftheA News. “But it’s a trust issue. Not to mention he knows it’s parish policy to not reveal the parish picnic theme until after Memorial Day. Huge breach in protocol, and puts at risk our ability as a parish council to determine themes for future events.”

It’s unsure which recipes Fr. Neeyahj gave the Russians. Past potluck participants have taken to social media to complain that the recipes were closely-guarded, treasured family secrets, intended solely to be handed down to future generations. Father’s actions raise serious questions about what other possible details and secrets he is disclosing.

“Has he given our Dunkin Donuts contract for Coffee Hour to the Presbyterians?,” another unnamed source said. “Has he shown the Baptists our methods of parishioner data collection? Is he telling the Unitarians that, yes, they will be going to Hell? We have a right to know what’s he been saying to whom, and for how long.”

Calls to Fr. Neeyahj were not returned. A parish official told AoftheA News his whereabouts were a secret.

 

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One Response to The Russians are Coming! The Russians are Coming!

  • I love it. The Russians are Coming, The Russians are Coming is the funniest movie I have ever seen, great ad for the Second Amendment. Did you see Johnathan Winter?
    Larry D. and The Acts of Apostasy have placed the assault on President Trump in proper perspective.
    I say again: Go see The Guns of Navarrone, when the English agent gives false information to an injured officer whom he knows will be given truth serum to extract information by the enemy.
    Our Lady promised a third world war “of unimaginable proportions”. Perhaps the Russians will be converted as they were in the film The Russians are Coming, The Russians are Coming.

PopeWatch: Offensive Catholics

Saturday, May 13, AD 2017

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

A Catholic university is under fire this week after school administrators accidentally hired 37-year-old Todd Alguire, a practicing Catholic, to head their Department of Theology.

Diocesan bishop Kevin Sterling  has now demanded an investigation into the ‘offensive’ hiring after rumors spread that students would need to “brush up on the fundamentals of the Catholic  faith” before beginning this upcoming semester.

Ryan Gurley, a sophomore who described himself as ‘devoutly spiritual,’ told EOTT that his refusal to participate in any further religion classes might lead to his suspension.

“I understand that I’ll eventually either be suspended, or I won’t ever be able to graduate, but I have to stand my ground. I’ll never cave when it comes to my faith. I’m a spiritual zealot, which means I faithfully believe in every religion – so long as it isn’t Christianity, of course.  And that’s why I now stand on my rights as an American citizen and Catholic to not be forced to have to learn the tenets of Catholicism in a Catholic school. What next, having to learn the fundamentals of analytic geometry in Calculus class?”

School officials say that the accidental hiring of Mr. Alguire came after someone in the administration’s office neglected to perform a competent background check.

“This is a major oversight and, as you can probably imagine, a very embarrassing moment for the university,” said one school official. “The background process is pretty simple and straight forward. As a proud Catholic university, we do not ask for resumes or any other official documents proving competency. The only thing we do is to make sure that the applicant is either an anti-Catholic Protestant, an atheist, or an agnostic, and that if the applicant does happen to be a Catholic, that he attends no more than two masses a year, preferably none. When it comes to nearly all other departments outside of History and a couple of others, the door is wide open to practicing Catholics. That’s what makes us a Catholic university. Also, we just put up some bland, random crosses around the university so that parents of potential students may feel proud and comfortable not only sending their children here, but for paying the outrageous tuition we charge to do so.”

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3 Responses to PopeWatch: Offensive Catholics

  • Don
    I thought Eye was a satire sight not anew sight.

    When I attended a Major Catholic University (late 60’s early 70 ) It’s Catholicism rested on three pillars

    recruited students as a Catholic University.
    Solicited donations as a Catholic University.

    Enough other stuff so the first two did not violate the Civil Statute of Frauds.

    Otherwise an excellent secular University.

  • I attended a secular, non-Catholic, university … hence the likely reason I remain a practicing, orthodox, Catholic more than forty years afterwards. Mind you, Marxism had not prevailed everywhere in academia and beyond back then, so the Church had a fighting chance.

  • My husband’s favorite saying on the subject: “Why let a “Catholic” university send your kid to hell when a secular one can do it just as well, and for less?” Pretty cynical but true.

5 Responses to Why Brexit

  • Raison d’ etat: Power and riches to the aristocrats, subsistence for the masses.

  • Subsidiarity yesterday, today, and forever! It is not having been in the dark house that matters but having come out.

  • William P Walsh wrote, “Subsidiarity yesterday, today, and forever!”
    I have, perforce, had to read a great many EU regulations and directives and I have never encountered one without the following recital:
    “In accordance with the principles of subsidiarity and proportionality as set out in Article 5 of the Treaty, the objectives of this Regulation cannot be sufficiently achieved by the Member States and can therefore be better achieved by the Community. This Regulation does not go beyond what is necessary to achieve those objectives. [Conformément aux principes de subsidiarité et de proportionnalité énoncés à l’article 5 du traité, les objectifs du présent règlement ne peuvent pas être réalisés de manière suffisante par les États membres et peuvent donc être mieux réalisés au niveau communautaire. Le présent règlement n’excède pas ce qui est nécessaire pour atteindre ces objectifs.]”

  • “In accordance with the principles of subsidiarity and proportionality as set out in Article 5 of the Treaty, the objectives of this Regulation cannot be sufficiently achieved by the Member States and can therefore be better achieved by the Community. This Regulation does not go beyond what is necessary to achieve those objectives.” DOUBLE TALK…and can therefore be better achieved by the Communists.

  • Lip service gains no credibility by repetition.

PopeWatch: Ad Orientem

Saturday, April 29, AD 2017

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

After conducting his first symphony since being named Maestro of the New Mexico Philharmonic, Chinese-born Li Wei Chen has been under heavy scrutiny from longtime patrons for conducting Beethoven’s famous 9th Symphony while facing the orchestra.

Season subscriber Lance Humphrey told EOTT that he was offended that Chen did not conduct facing the audience like their old maestro.

“Look, I understand that the symphony is still the symphony no matter what, but I just think that turning his back toward us while conducting just takes us back to an archaic time.”

Many have reportedly labelled Chen a “Symphonic Rad Trad,” saying that he was out of touch with mainstream music.

New Mexico Symphony donor Cecilia Cotes told EOTT that it reminded her of times when she would be in music class and would be “whacked on the knuckles with a violin bow.”

“It’s completely outdated. What we want is Maestro Chen to turn and face us so that we can feel like we’re participating in the orchestral movements. Does that make sense?”

At press time, Chen has said that he would not turn to face the people, but would consider allowing a number patrons on stage to turn the pages of the sheet music during concerts.

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2 Responses to Publicans and Other Sinners

  • Taxes are too high, indeed. Medieval serfs handed over less of their product than the typical (about 51% of us) American taxpayer.

    It’s not only federal income taxes. There are state and local income taxes, real estate taxes, sales taxes, excise taxes, etc. The cruelest excise taxes of all are on liquor.

    Due to a minor miscalculation in estimated taxes, fro 2016 we had a refund and filed in early February. Early onset Alzheimer?

    Regarding publicani, St. John the Baptist advised them to collect no more than authorized.

  • Medieval serfs handed over less of their product than the typical (about 51% of us) American taxpayer.
    Tax receipts in total amount to 30% of gross domestic product. A subset of that would be direct taxes (or ‘personal’ taxes), which amount to about 12% of personal income. IIRC, Jerome Blum had it that early modern serfs in the Hapsburg dominions were under quite a range of assessments (which varied locally), and could here and there be notionally liable for 70% of their crop.

One Response to Quotes Suitable for Framing: Jimbo Jones

  • A lawyer associate/friend once told me the first thing one learns in Law Scholl is the short answer for all issues is, “It depends.” No lawyer jokes, some of my best friends are lawyers.

Not My Paws Only But All of Me!

Saturday, April 8, AD 2017

 

 

Larry D at Acts of the Apostasy brings us this news:

 

ROME – Reports from the Vatican indicate that Pope Francis has scheduled a stop at a local animal shelter to wash the paws of 12 dogs on Holy Thursday, after washing inmates’ feet at an Italian prison.

Church officials told the AoftheA News Vatican Bureau that Pope Francis is excited to visit the dogs spending the Easter holiday at the shelter, and extend this act of mercy towards them. It’s unsure if he will wash all four paws, or just their front paws.

“His Holiness feels that dogs deserve to be treated this way, as it’s quite evident that Jesus had a soft spot in his heart for dogs,” one official said, speaking under condition of anonymity. “You see in scripture how dogs cared for Lazarus by licking his sores, showing that they lived their Christian faith better than others at that time. You see how the Canaanite woman changed Jesus’ mind when she said ‘even dogs eat scraps that fall from their master’s table’. Plus, it wasn’t that long ago that Pope Francis declared that dogs indeed go to heaven, so it’s entirely appropriate to being Christ, and bringing Christ, to them.”

Another official said the Holy Father believes Christ’s mercy is available to every living thing, including those with mange, hip dysplasia, or worms. “Jesus didn’t come for the healthy, but for the sick. His Holiness reminds us, though, to be wary of those ridden with fleas, for if you lie with them, you will certainly rise with them and be infested.”

Animal activists are pleased with the Holy Father’s plans, and that he will be raising animal rights awareness. Amanda Hugginkhyss, director of “Animals Are People Too”, said it’s a strong sign Pope Francis is making the Catholic Church a more inclusive place. “Is what he’s doing perfect? No, but it’s a start, and like all progressive initiatives, all we hope for is a crack through which we can infiltrate, and then start making our demands for animal rights in the church.”

When asked why cats housed at the shelter aren’t included, one official told AoftheA News: “Cats are evil, that’s why.”

He also confirmed that Pope Francis’ favorite movie is “All Dogs Go To Heaven”, but wasn’t all that impressed with the sequel.

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9 Responses to Not My Paws Only But All of Me!

  • Please tell me this is a late April Fools joke. Or an Eye of the Tiber gotcha.

  • LarryD does humorous pieces Elizabeth. Doesn’t it speak volumes about this ponticate that one could imagine this as as being a straight news story?

  • Yes, it sure does. I woke up this morning and thought of my comment of yesterday and started feeling a bit foolish that I even considered that this was for real. Strange times indeed.
    Is that site, Acts of the Apostasy, kind of like The Onion or Eye of the Tiber then? I’ve heard of it but never looked at it.

  • Does that raccoon have any nukes? If so would that complicate the feet washing?

  • “Is that site, Acts of the Apostasy, kind of like The Onion or Eye of the Tiber then? I’ve heard of it but never looked at it.”

    LarryD is a faithful Catholic and a good writer, along with a delicious sense of humor.

  • Funny bit… the “Animals are people too,” is sadly a social justice mantra being absorbed by progressives who refuse to respect the unborn human life but gladly bemoan the abuses of dogs or cats that are “suffering.”
    I like pets however to give them a status above the sacredness of unborn human life is pathetic. A sure sign of a culture without a clue. A blackened and stained culture.

  • The Pope has decided to cancel the foot washing ceremony at the pound, citing fears of getting bit in the ass from a rabid dog-ma.

  • However, Pope Francis has agreed to administer last rites to a Self-Absorbed Promethean Neopelagian pooch that is scheduled to be put down that day.

  • Greg Mockeridge.

    The pooch in question was caught “breeding like rabbits,” and didn’t heed his Holiness command to “practice responsible parenthood.”

    Hence the decision to put the pooch down.

PopeWatch: Checkmate

Saturday, April 8, AD 2017

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Society of St. Pius X chess grandmaster Larcel Mafebvre has turned four of his pieces into bishops without approval from the World Chess Federation, officials have confirmed.

“Mr. Mafebvre has, without approval from the Federation, created bishops out of pawn pieces,” said World Chess Federation head Antonio Salamanca. “After speaking with Mr. Mafebvre regarding abiding by the new chess rules, wherein players are given the freedom to concelebrate the match, and to say the words of ‘checkmate’ in the vernacular, he has sadly decided to ignore our requests.”

Salamanca went on to tell reporters that Mafebvre had automatically incurred excheckommunication because of his disobedience.

“I must do what is in my conscience to preserve the dignity of the game,”  Mafebvre told EOTT in an exclusive interview. “Therefore, I have decided to consecrate four of my pieces into bishops to help my depleted side, for, from some Fischer, the smoke of Satan has entered the chessboard of God.”

At press time, one time follower of Larcel Mafebvre’s, Bavid Dawden, told EOTT that he has decided to become head of the World Chess Federation, though he only has three pawns to play with.

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I Resemble That Remark

Thursday, April 6, AD 2017

 

 

From LarryD at Acts of the Apostasy:

 

Horace MacTaverson, long time parishioner at Our Lady of Special Occasions, told AoftheA News this morning that he’s mighty unhappy it’s likely he won’t get to park in his regular spot this Easter.

“First row, next to the last handicap space,” he growled. “8:30 Mass, every Sunday mornin’, for the past thirty-one years.” Horace stared off into the distance and noisily clicked his partial upper plate. “Except on Easter. And that one time it snowed so hard I couldn’t make it up the drive, but that don’t count none.”

He narrowed his eyes. “Those dang Chreasters, showin’ up two times a year, actin’ like they own the place, parkin’ wherever they dang well feel like it,” he grumbled. “No respect, I tell ya. No respect!”

Horace ran his weathered hand through his sparse hair. “This is gonna mess up my mornin’ schedule. Instead of arrivin’ at ten minutes past the hour like always, I hafta get here at ten minutes before the hour, and even that’s no guar-own-tee my spot won’t be taken!”

His jaw clenched. “Just thinkin’ about this is gettin’ my goat. My whole Sunday mornin’ routine is gonna get screwed up. I hope Father says sumthin’ about this in his sermon, give these Chreasters the ol’ what for. Downright rude, coming to Easter Mass and makin’ me park somewhere else. But he’ll prob’bly just talk about love, and peace, and other stuff like that.”

Horace wagged his index finger. “And don’t get me started about my seat being taken neither! Third row, on the aisle, behind the Pattersons.” His shoulders shook with a violent quiver. “God, Easter is the worst.”

 

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3 Responses to I Resemble That Remark

  • Even though a Protestant my father attended Mass on his own when he travelled in the Air Force; invited missionaries to our quarters when stationed overseas, in fact, had many priest friends; and insisted that my brother and I attend Catholic school. After every Sunday Mass at St. Thomas More we’d be sitting in traffic which would trigger his tangent about the “so-called Christians in the parking lot.” He couldn’t understand how Catholics could receive Christ at Mass and then afterwards be so rude exiting the parking lot. He always said it was a factor in delaying his conversion. He joined the church at age 55. Died at age 90. We all still miss him 13 years later.

  • This is why I almost always park on the street when I go to Mass.

  • Eye contact seems to be a big plus… or having small children that delay you half an hour getting out.

    Hey, I think I figured out why the “donuts after mass” thing started!
    (We always go on Saturday if possible, but the effect is the same.)