Humor

PopeWatch: Confusion Uber Alles

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Pope Francis said today that he would set up a commission to study whether or not he can find more ways to confuse and frustrate the living crap out of people, revealing an openness to re-examining the church’s long-held insistence on not speaking off-the-cuff.

His move was hailed as a breakthrough by those in the media who have clamored for years to be given more stuff to speculate on, and who cite research showing that a pope whose speeches were scripted and thought out produced nothing for the media to report on, and therefore, pointless.

But the idea will face stiff resistance from some who believe that finding out whether he can indeed find more ways to confuse people is the first step toward drinking during a General Audience, which recent popes have ruled out.

 

During a discussion at the Vatican on Thursday, which at one point touched on the fact that just saying that a completely absurd idea is a possibility just because you’re put on the spot is in itself absurd, Francis was asked about the possibility of an official commission to study the issue. His response was, in essence, “Why not?”

“Constituting an official commission that might study the question of how I can make the lives of Catholics defending the Church from misinformed Catholics annoying?” Pope Francis said out loud. “I believe yes. It would do good for the Church to clarify this point.”

“I accept,” the pope said later. “It seems useful to me to have a commission that would clarify whether all of my successors should also be obliged to speak without regard to already resolved matters.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Keys

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Saying that he could’ve sworn he put them right there on top of the cabinet beside his bed, Pope Francis is reportedly frantically tearing up his apartment in search of his pair of keys to the Kingdom of Heaven that he misplaced sometime this afternoon.

“Oh, come on, Francis, you always do this!” an angry Francis berated himself as he tossed sheets to the floor, looked inside his freezer, and in the inside pockets of all of his vestments.  “Great, now you’re gonna be late for the General Audience. Ok, don’t panic. Just retrace your steps. You came home from Krav Maga, opened the door, threw the gym bag to the floor, and then went to shower. Where the heck did I put the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven? Man, today’s Purgatory transfers to Heaven are gonna be pissed when they find out they’re locked out.”

 

After looking for the keys for more than an hour, Francis reportedly made a call to Pope Emeritus Benedict, with whom he had breakfast before Krav Maga, to check whether or not he might’ve forgotten them with him.

“Nope, not with him,” Francis told EOTT after hanging up the phone. “Benedict hasn’t seen them since 2013. Pope Michael called ten minutes ago claiming he had them, but he’s just insane. Well, I suppose I’ll check beneath the bed for the twentieth time. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Mercy Killing

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

During his general audience this week in Saint Peter’s Square, Pope Francis announced the cancellation of the remainder of the Holy Year of Mercy, saying that the whole idea was a “complete and utter bust.”

“Let us not forget that God forgives and God forgives always,” Francis said. “But let us never forget that man does not forgive and will never forgive. That is one thing I have learned these past few months.”

Francis continued his statement, saying, “I was convinced that the whole Church, which has much need to receive mercy, would find in this jubilee the joy to rediscover and render fruitful the mercy of God. Boy, was I way off on that one. Way off. What is wrong with you people? Seriously, I considered keeping it going for a couple more months, but it’s clear you’re all too busy on your phones to rediscover and render fruitful the mercy of God. And the answer is no, liking a picture of Mother Theresa with a quote next to it on Instagram does not count as rediscovering anything but your laziness.”

The Jubilee, which was scheduled to end in November, officially ends today after the official closing ceremony, where Pope Francis is scheduled to take back all the graces Catholics received during the Jubilee, and to return them back to God.

 

 

Continue reading

PopeWatch: Invitation

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just days after Catholic internet personality Michael Voris revealed that he had been actively involved in homosexuality before his reversion to the faith, sources tell EOTT that the founder of The Vortex has been inundated with emails by members of the Roman Curia inviting him to visit the Vatican.

“We thought it might do him some good to just get away for a while,” one official said. “Sometimes you just gotta get away, you know? You gotta get away with some buddies, drink some beer, shoot some pool…you know, guy stuff. Maybe toss a couple throw pillows on the floor and watch a little Guys and Dolls on DVD, Lemon Drop Martinis…”

After being asked about why the sudden interest in a man that many Church officials criticized in the past, the official said, “Criticized? Who, us? No, no, we never criticized him. He’s one of us, after all. I mean…one of us as in Catholic. He’s Catholic and we’re Catholic. One of us in that way. After all, there’s no other way for him to be one of us, but to be Catholic. And a man. We’re all straight here in the Curia is what I’m getting at. What’s that? Past life, you say? He mentioned that it was part of his past as in, no longer…Oh, I see.”

At press time, Members of the Roman Curia have withdrawn their invitations, claiming they were busy washing their hair that night. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Retirement

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Pope Francis, the man who helped the Church win hundreds of thousands of converts over a 20-liturgical-year career, announced Sunday that he will retire after this liturgical season, writing “this Easter is all I have left to give.”

Francis addressed the media after this week’s loss to Islam, a humiliating defeat for the Christians after Muslims handily defeated Catholics in number of children born, saying that he made his decision “a while ago.”

“I’ve known for a while,” Francis said. “A decision like this, you can’t make that decision based on outside circumstances, so finally I’ve decided to accept that I can’t actually do this anymore, and I’m OK with that. It takes a weight off my shoulders and everybody else’s, especially those trying to defend nearly everything I say or write.”

Vatican Preacher to the Papal Household Raniero Cantalamessa, speaking before Wednesday’s General Audience, emphasized that the star pope’s “purpose is to finish out this liturgical season and pray.”

“I think he still loves the Church,” Cantalamessa told reporters. “He still has a passion for it. He’s still a spiritually competitive man.”

Cantalamessa said he was “shocked” when Francis informed him last Saturday night that he was going to announce his retirement the following day.

“He kind of shocked me when he told me,” Cantalamessa said. “I’m just sad more than anything. Somebody who I truly care about, have a lot of respect for. I think it’s always hard when greatness like Francis decides to hang it up.”

Francis’ decision is not totally unexpected, given that he has said many times in recent weeks that he has considered making this liturgical season his last. After one encyclical, a post-synodal document, and numerous impromptu plane interviews, Francis’ career is officially winding down.

“With his relentless work ethic, Pope Francis is one of the greatest popes in the history of our Church,” Vatican commissioner Arnold Silver said in a statement. “Whether honing his homily skills or practicing his thurible swings after midnight in an empty Vatican gym, Francis has an unconditional love for the Church, and we will never forget him.”

At press time, Vatican officials have announced plans to retire the name “Francis” in a ceremony next month. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Fear the Dogs of God!

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just a day after students at Indiana University mistook a Dominican for a member of the Ku Klux Klan, students and members of the faculty have been placed on high alert, with fears that the person in question could possibly be a devout Catholic praying on campus.

According to reports, Student Body President Allen Cheung wrote a post on Facebook saying, “There has been a person reported walking around campus in a Dominican outfit holding a rosary. Because the person is protected under first amendment rights, IUPD cannot remove this zealot from campus unless an act of violence is committed, like trying to convince students about the objective truths of Catholicism.”

“Please, PLEASE, PLEASE be careful out there tonight,” Cheung continued. “Always be with someone, and if you have no dire reason to be out of the building, I would recommend staying indoors lest you be indoctrinated.”

Other students also posted their own warnings on social media telling their roommates to keep safe and to remember that priests don’t approve of premarital sex or contraception, because of the “extreme hatred they have for anything fun or liberating.”

Indiana University officials put out a statement early this morning warning students to take proper precautions when going outdoors.

“We advise that students do not walk alone,” the statement read. “If you are confronted by the Dominican zealot, do not look him in the eyes, as this dangerous individual may attempt to convince you that you are a sinner, or worse, make you believe that not everything is acceptable just because it makes you feel good. Furthermore, should you run into this medieval time traveler, please remember atrocities he committed during the Spanish Inquisition, and that he has been trained in the art of manipulation and torture. If you are accused of being a witch or a Jew, admit nothing, and run to the nearest safe-space and call for help.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Holes and Pegs

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic News on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

WASHINGTON––In an interview with CNN’s Erin Burnett, former President Jimmy Carter talked about his letter to mathematicians. In it, Carter called on leading mathematicians to support efforts to fit square pegs in round holes.

“I asked them to join with me in doing some of these things to prevent inequality, and to prevent segregation between figures, and to prevent unnecessary discrimination between different types of shapes, and to prevent things of that kind,” Carter said.

The former president went on to say that there was a movement towards equality in the geometric community, but that mathematicians had done much to support discrimination by ‘ordaining’ that squares were not equal to circles:

“This has been done and still is done by the mathematic community ever since the dawn of geometry, when mathematicians ordained that a circle cannot fit into a square, for instance, but another square can. A circle can fit into a circle, but it can’t fit into a square. This is wrong, I think.”

The geometric community has come out in defense of only squares fitting into square holes saying that the former president “grossly misunderstands” geometry.

“Carter’s comments about the role of squares shows a gross misunderstanding of geometry,” a spokesman for the mathematic community Ashley Thompson told EOTT this morning. “As math teachers across the globe continue to remind us, a square is a plane figure with four equal straight sides and four right angles. They have a very important role in geometry. But their role is not to be a circle or even to attempt to fit into a circle.” Continue reading

Irish History, the Short Version

 

Hattip to Dale Price.  Of course it is unfair to characterize Irish history as mere drunkenness.  My sainted Mother had me listen to quite a bit of Irish music as I grew up,  and I still enjoy it, and Irish ballads also feature these elements of the Irish careening through this Vale of Tears:

 

1.   Be maniacally happy.

2.   Be maniacally sad.

3.   Blame the English for everything bad that has happened to the Irish.

4.   Celebrate an Irishman who left Ireland as soon as he was able.

5.   A celebration of the charms of rural Ireland written by someone who would have sooner died than leave Dublin.

6.   Mention the IRA, without mentioning that during the 60’s many Irish said the letters actually stood for I Ran Away.

7.   Be about the death of a beloved pet or child.

8.   Idolize near alcoholism.

9.   Mention Saint Patrick or a leprechaun.

10. Throw in a few Irish gaelic phrases for the singer to mispronounce. Continue reading

PopeWatch: The National Remnant Reporter

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

The Remnant Newspaper and The National Catholic Reporter announced yesterday that they have entered into a merger agreement to create a new entity called The National Remnant Reporter.

The organization will become the third-largest Catholic reporting organization in North America and the sixth-largest in the world.

As part of the agreement, former Reporter employees will no longer be permitted to write articles that contain more than 95 percent garbage, while Remnant employees will be asked to sign a form acknowledging that Pope Francis is not the Beast as foretold in the Book of Revelation. The USCCB will add an additional $1,000,000 into the new company to make sure the merger goes through.

“We really don’t have the money to spare, but this is a priority and an opportunity we cannot miss,” said USCCB representative Alex Puente. “I mean, how awesome would it be to witness the chaos if this thing actually goes through. That would be the best money we’ve spent in decades.”

Puentes later said in a press release, “By bringing together these two newspapers through this transaction, we are hoping to create a strong platform for Catholic humor for years to come. The combined brands will increase the level of madness in the Church. We have the utmost respect for both companies, and greatly look forward to taking, what has up till now been freaking hilarious combox feuds, to a more face-to-face and personal level, with everything recorded and posted on youtube for everyone’s viewing pleasure.” Continue reading

Anger Trumps Reason

 

Hattip to commenter Greg Mockeridge.  Many politicians deceive people with false promises to win election.  With Trump, he tells his followers, if they would only listen, that he is feeding them a line of hooey that he has no intention of carrying out if elected.

PopeWatch: Hans Kung

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Famous Swiss theologian Hans Küng has reportedly sent a letter to Pope Francis, asking him to reconsider the Church’s stance on the Resurrection of Christ.

Speaking to the media this morning from his office in Germany, Kung told reporters that he hoped that “one of the most open-minded” popes in his lifetime would publically declare that the Resurrection did not take place, urging the Pope to also reconsider the Church’s stances on such issues as papal infallibility, the celibacy of priests, and euthanasia.

Speaking to EOTT about the future of the Church, Küng said that the Church needed to reform its outdated thinking before [the Church] became extinct.

“Centuries have passed and as society has continued to evolve, the Church remains stuck in the past,” Küng said. “If the Church is to survive, it is imperative that the hierarchy begins to acknowledge that such issues such as papal infallibility and the resurrection are archaic dogmas. This is just the first step, mind you. Once this is acknowledged, we must reconsider the idea of there being a god. Only then, when the antiquated idea of a higher being that created the universe becomes obsolete in the mind of the Church, then and only then, can we move on from us thinking we are in need of a Church as a voice of a god that does not even exist.”

When asked when he had changed his views on the existence of God, Küng said that, “When I have used the word God in the past, I was simply speaking of myself.”

“One cannot say that God is dead, because I am clearly still alive. I am God. And so are you. Everyone is a little God, and when we speak about a resurrection, we must speak of it only in so far as we are all little Gods that rise in the morning to rule over our own little worlds.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Hair Today

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just days after Super Tuesday, Donald Trump’s hair reportedly called Texas Catholic and apologist Michael Voris’ hair to “comb on over to the bar” to celebrate the victory.

According to reports, Trump’s hair told Voris’ hair that there would be “Hell toupee,” if he did not eventually win the GOP nomination.

“Listen, hairs where the story ends for the other nominees, alright?” Voris’ hair reportedly said, “You got the nomination locked, so just relax and take a breath. It would literally be unbeweavable if you didn’t win it. So hat’s off to you.”

Trump’s hair later went on to ask Voris’ hair whether he ever just sat back and pondered Hamlet’s question, “Toupee or not toupee” after contemplating the sad state of affairs in Washington and the Vatican, to which both replied at once “Toupee! Not even a question,” before laughing and finishing their pints.

“It really is a sad state in the Church, that’s for sure,” Voris’ hair bitterly told Trump’s hair. “There’s just so much corruption in this post-Vatican II Church that you got be Sheerlock Combs to get to the bottom of who’s really pulling the strings in the Church. Sadly, I’m not that guy, because ain’t no sheers coming near this puppy, amiright!” Continue reading

Future National Catholic Register Post: The Pope on Satan: Nine Things to Know and Share

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November 15, 2016

 

A furor has arisen regarding the Pope’s comment in an interview in his flight back to Rome that “Satan got a raw deal from God.”  Here are nine things to know and share:

  1. It is possible that a mistranslation occurred.  The colloquial Italian phrase that the Pope used for raw deal can also be understood to mean “distasteful deal”.
  2. The Holy Father may have been speaking humorously.  When Father Lombardi, Vatican spokesman was asked about this, he merely smiled, shrugged his shoulders and walked away.
  3. If the Pope was speaking seriously, perhaps he was intending to convey how Satan was looking at the situation.  Do not most sinners think they get a raw deal? Viewed from that vantage point, the Pope’s statement was correct, albeit incomplete.
  4. We must recall that this is the Year of Mercy and perhaps the Holy Father was attempting to say that God’s mercy extends even to Satan.
  5. The Vatican has denied that this statement constituted an all is forgiven message from the Pope to the Prince of Darkness
  6. This is not a reversal of the traditional teaching of the Church regarding Satan.  At most it is a minor development that the Pope may, or may not, expand upon.
  7. This statement was not made ex cathedra, but it must be treated with respect as Catholics must treat all statements of the Pope with respect.
  8. Islamic jihadists who are now calling Catholics devil worshipers are completely misinterpreting what the Pope said.
  9. I am not paid enough for doing this.

 

 

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