13

PopeWatch: Eyeballing

From the most intentionally humorous Catholic site on the net, A Catholic Misfit:

 

[ACMPress] – DUBUQUE – Several members of Our Lady of Safe Spaces complained to their pastor after the 10:45 AM Sunday Mass, that a man attempted eye contact during the Kiss of Peace, ACMPress has learned.

“It was extremely uncomfortable,” one woman said, wishing to remain anonymous. “I was averting my gaze while weakly grasping the man’s hand, and as I muttered ‘Peace be with you’, I could just tell he was trying to make eye contact.”

Go here to read the rest.  PopeWatch attempted to contact the Vatican for comment, but was advised that “No Comment” is the comment of the Vatican for the foreseeable future on most issues.

4

Priorities

Hattip to commenter Greg Mockeridge.  News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

VATICAN CITY—In his first public statement on the horrifying, devastating report on sexual abuse within the Catholic Church, Pope Francis stated he would address the controversy in detail once he’s done talking about climate change for a few more weeks.

The head of the Roman Catholic Church claimed he is deeply concerned with the tragic report, but is “just too swamped” with work fighting climate change, criticizing capitalism, and advocating for other issues of social justice to talk about the repulsive report at the moment.

“Rest assured, once I have exhausted my talking points on the need for government policies to crack down on their carbon footprints, we’ll start looking this report over,” he said. “Then I’ll be sure to make a statement on it. We just didn’t want to jump to conclusions too early, something that we’re not concerned about with man-made climate change. Just with this.”

Go here to read the rest.  Oh, the Vatican has released a statement.  Go here to read it.  We should be relieved, I guess, to learn that the Pope is on the side of the abused and not the abusers.  I assume that will be reflected in his future appointments, since his past appointments give us no such assurance.

4

Cthulhu Trumped

 

 

News that I missed courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Cthulhu the Great Dreamer has released a new tell-all book detailing his time working closely with President Donald Trump for several months in 2017.

The One who sleeps at R’lyeh briefly served as a consultant on the Trump administration late last year, but quickly left after he found himself unable to stomach the president’s platform, morals, and values.

The book contains many juicy details and behind-the-scenes glimpses of the seedy underbelly of the Trump administration, from occult rituals designed to awake the Great Old Ones from their slumber to portals leading to dimensions lost in time and space ripping open throughout the White House.

“I figured it was time for everyone to know exactly what goes on behind closed doors in the Trump White House,” the Ancient One said in a press conference, taking a sip of human souls from a mug. “I deeply regret supporting President Trump, and this is my little way of giving back to you worthless creatures, you insignificant specks floating in the nameless blights of outer voids where faint demon scratchings you sometimes hear on the farthest rim of space, yet from which your own finite vision has given you a merciful immunity.”

 

Go here to read the rest.  I suspect that Cthulhu is still fuming for not being considered for a slot on The Apprentice. I have been unable to confirm that Cthulhu and Omarosa are scheduled for a joint appearance on The View.  I doubt it, since Cthulhu carries a grudge from Omarosa passing him in a White House corridor and muttering “Amateur!”

 

 

3

Satan’s Minions Never Sleep

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

INTERNET—Sources confirmed Friday morning that Satan’s armies are still heavily focused on infiltrating and maintaining control of website comments sections across the internet, a tactical onslaught they’ve been focused on for the better part of the past decade.

“Comments sections are one of the primary recruiting tools Satan’s forces use to influence people toward darkness,” demonology expert Donald Velasco noted. “This is why most healthy people cannot wade too deeply into any comments section on the internet without being overwhelmed by the presence of sheer evil, as they are bombarded with words and opinions more hateful, vile, and barbaric than any mere human could concoct.”

“During my research, I got too far down in some YouTube comments and ended up having to wash my eyeballs with paint thinner,” he added.

Go here to read the rest.  Careful in the comboxes on this post.

4

PopeWatcher: Grim Reaper

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Pope Francis decreed yesterday that death is “inadmissible” under all circumstances and that the Catholic Church should attempt to abolish it.

The change has been hailed by anti-death activists and rejected by Francis critics, who said he had no right to change the consequences of original sin.

A spokesman for the Vatican told EOTT early this morning that Francis had amended the Catechism of the Catholic Church to say that death can never be sanctioned because it constitutes an “attack” on the dignity of human beings, and that the Church teaches, “in the light of the Gospel, that death is inadmissible because it is an attack on the inviolability and dignity of the person, and she works with determination for its abolition worldwide.”

From the beginning of his pontificate, Francis began urging world leaders to abolish the permanent ending of the vital processes in cells and tissue, stressing that the innocent and guilty alike were both deserving of dignity, and therefore, not ever having to die.

“Think of Brad Pitt in Interview With A Vampire,” The Catechism of the Catholic Church now reads. “First, he’s living in like France or New Orleans (I forget which) as a normal person. But then Tom Cruise bites him and gives him the choice he never got and he takes it, remember that part? And so he becomes a vampire and a bunch of crap happens, and by the end of the movie, he’s in modern day America having seen so much stuff over the centuries, which is kinda like begin godlike, an imitation of Christ if you will, even though he did some bad things himself that could’ve easily landed him in jail and death row–I haven’t thought this all through yet, but this whole vampire angle will definitely be updated again and again in the Catechism until I’ve thought it through.”

At press time, Pope Francis is daydreaming during his weekly Vatican all-staff  meeting about how sad that one part is when Brad Pitt realizes that those French vampires are up to something and ends up finding Kristen Dunst and that random woman Dunst likes turned to ash because of the sun.

Go here to comment.  PopeWatch called a Planned Parenthood affiliate to get a comment from the Grim Reaper, but was told that he was at the unemployment office and unavailable for an interview.

12

Chicago, the Home of Random Senseless Violence

 

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

CHICAGO, IL—It looked like good news for Chicago as the skyrocketing murder rate finally started to level off, but the reason for the decline turned out to be alarming: murder has gotten so bad in Chicago that now even the average murderer won’t go out at night for fear of being murdered.

“I love murder,” said local murderer Carl Gross, “but I don’t want to be murdered. It’s gotten so bad out here, though, that we regular, salt-of-the-earth murderers are being preyed upon by all the really deranged murderers who don’t follow the murderer’s code of not murdering murderers.”

Bennie Arnold, Chicago resident and occasional strangler, agreed. “I just want to strangle people,” said Arnold. “But now I’m too scared to go out at night to find victims, so I just stay home with the doors locked. I guess now I know how I made regular folk feel… which would really make me think if I weren’t a sociopath.”

Go here to read the rest.  From 2011 MadTV:

 

2

They Probably Don’t Even Have a Starbucks!

 

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

RIVERDALE, NY—31-year-old Darlene Austin has always been an avid supporter of socialism, but she recently had an eye-opening experience.

“At a vegan cafe, I met a guy from Venezuela,” Austin explained. “I asked him about how great it must be to live in a country working to end economic inequality, but then he went into a long diatribe about oppression, poverty, and murder.”

Austin admitted she didn’t listen to much of it since she always knew that socialism would have “a few bumps along the way.” But then the man said something that really concerned her: he asked what the crispy bread slathered with a green substance on her plate was.

“He didn’t even know what avocado toast was!” Austin exclaimed. She asked him about whether they had lots of avocados in Venezuela, but he explained it wasn’t just an issue of the availability of avocados but also not being able to get bread and sometimes not having electricity for a toaster.

 

 

Go here to read the rest.

 

 

 

5

Well, This Sounds Reasonable

News that I missed while on vacation, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

 

VATICAN CITY—Following his recent announcement that the Catholic Church no longer supports the use of the death penalty, Pope Francis clarified that it may still be applied to slow left-lane drivers. “It almost goes without saying,” the leader of the Church commented.

Whereas prior Church teaching allowed the death penalty in certain cases, the Catechism now teaches that the punishment is always impermissible. “Except,” said a Vatican spokesman, “for those reprobate souls who just hang out in the left lane as if nobody else has anywhere to be.”

Go here to read the rest.  Yes, but what about tailgaters?  Can’t they at least be maimed?

0

New York Times: Leftists R’ US

News that slipped by me on vacation, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

New York Times Stands By Recent Editorial Board Hire Joseph Stalin Despite Criticism Of Mass Murder

NEW YORK, NY—Despite withering criticism of The New York Times’ recent decision to hire famed Communist leader and murderer of millions Joseph Stalin to the newspaper’s editorial board, The Times has defended Stalin and the move to allow him a platform to voice his far-left policies.

Upon the announcement of Stalin’s hire, thousands of readers pointed out that Stalin was responsible for the deaths of up to 25 million people. But on Thursday, The Times released a statement saying that editors were aware of Stalin’s sordid past before hiring him, and that it would not be bowing to “right-wing outrage” over “just a few million deaths.”

Go here to read the rest.  The New York Times refuses to confirm or deny that Pulitzer Prize winning Timesman Walter Duranty is seeking time off from Hell to also take up a position on the editorial board.

2

He’s Sorry

 

 

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—In response to criticism of the alleged shadow ban of certain right-leaning accounts on the platform, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey apologized Friday for allowing conservatives on the platform in the first place.

The visibly distraught CEO openly wept as he expressed his great remorse for ever having allowed conservatives to open accounts and let their worldview “just hang out there for the whole world to see.”

“Twitter has always been a welcoming, accepting place, so there’s obviously no room for anyone even slightly right of center,” Dorsey said. “I see that now. I’ve learned and grown from my experiences, and I hope the far-left mobs can find it in their hearts to forgive me rather than demanding I be fired on the spot.”

Go here to read the rest. Conservatives having the temerity to think that they have a right to their own opinions!  What is the world coming to?

 

5

PopeWatch: Chicken

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Several bishops from across the globe announced today that they are considering allowing divorced and remarried Catholics to receive Chick-fil-A.

The bishops considering the controversial move of allowing those in invalid marriages to receive a chicken sandwich, though in the state of adultery, told the press that it should be left to a bishop’s discretion as to whether an individual is in a state of grace, and therefore, be allowed to “indulge in a Spicy Chicken or Deluxe sandwich.”

“Though we have not yet come to a final decision, it is true that we are indeed leaning toward endorsing Pope Francis’ call to give Chick-fil-A to people who are divorced and invalidly remarried, even if they are sexually active,” representative of the bishops, Jon Dowry, told EOTT in a brief statement. “We believe that it may be more hurtful to deny them this most spectacular meal than to stick with archaic rules. It may be, in our humble opinion, better that they eat of Chick-fil-A and remain close to Christ than to leave for a more open and accepting branch of fast food chains.”

Dowry went on to call other bishops to consider whether it would be good, if only in exceptional circumstances, to allow their divorced and remarried couples from receiving this gift from God that He may strengthen them.

 

Go here to comment.  PopeWatch attempted to contact the Pope for contact, but was shuffled to the Pope’s Fifth Assistant Secretary, Sister Perdita.  She said that she did not know what the Pope’s opinion would be on this, but that she had heard him say, on more than one occasion, that chicken prepared by Gringos tasted like asbestos to him.  And with that PopeWatch will be on vacation hiatus until August 6.

1

PopeWatch: Blogging the Bible

 

 

 

From the most intentionally humorous Catholic site on the net, A Catholic Misfit:

 

YOM SHLISI, SIMANU, 96

Another Vision Of An Angel

[Sorry about the delay between posts, everyone. It’s been storming the past few days, and I think a lightning strike fried my modem the other night. I was just able to get back on-line this morning. Anyway, here’s my latest vision…]

Then I saw another mighty angel coming down from heaven, wrapped in a cloud, with a rainbow over his head, and his face was like the sun, and his legs like pillars of fire. He had a little scroll open in his hand. And he set his right foot on the sea, and his left foot on the land, and called out with a loud voice, like a lion roaring; when he called out, the seven thunders had sounded. And when the seven thunders had sounded, I was about to write, but I heard a voice from heaven saying, “Seal up what the seven thunders have said, and do not write it down.”

And the angel whom I saw standing on sea and land lifted up his right hand to heaven and swore by him who lives for ever and ever, who created heaven and what is in it, the earth and what is in it, and the sea and what is in it, that there should be no more delay, but that in the days of the trumpet call to be sounded by the seventh angel, the mystery of God, as he announced to his servants the prophets, should be fulfilled.

Then the voice which I had heard from heaven spoke to me again, saying, “Go, take the scroll which is open in the hand of the angel who is standing on the sea and on the land.” So I went to the angel and told him to give me the little scroll; and he said to me. “Take it and eat; it will be bitter to your stomach, but sweet as honey in your mouth.” And I took the little scroll from the hand of the angel and ate it; it was sweet as honey in my mouth, but when I had eaten it my stomach was made bitter. And I was told, “You must again prophesy about many peoples and nations and tongues and kings.”

POSTED BY JOHN THE EVANGELIST AT YOM SHLISI, SIMANU, 96
LABELS: ANGELS, VISION
…………………………………………………………………………………………

16 Comments:

Bardus Skepticus said…

You keep claiming these are “visions from God”, but where’s your proof? You could be just experiencing hallucinations that anybody who’s been exiled on an island would probably have.

YOM SHLISI, SIMANU 96 8:15 AM

Polycarp said…

“…a lightning strike fried my modem…”

John – get yourself a surge protector.

YOM SHLISI, SIMANU 96 8:49 AM

Magnus Bopperitus said…

OK, let me get this straight. This angel comes out of the sky, it’s legs made of fire, and it stands with one foot in the water, but his fire leg doesn’t go out? That makes no sense at all.

YOM SHLISI, SIMANU 96 9:23 AM

Flavius Flava Flave said…

“That makes no sense at all.”

Well, whaddya expect? These are the same people who claim that a Nazarene carpenter was raised from the dead. They claim he ‘multiplied’ some bread and fish, too, but everyone knows that the crowds brought their own food. Reason and logic will never get through their thick heads.

YOM SHLISI, SIMANU 96 9:58 AM

Papias of Hierapolis said…

Magnus, these are visions. A gift from God. They are similar to dreams in that they must be interpreted in order to be better understood. Before succumbing to doubt and derision, I counsel that we wait until John’s visions cease before we try to interpret them.

YOM SHLISI, SIMANU 96 10:19 AM

Go here to read the rest.

15

PopeWatch: Democratic Socialism

News missed by PopeWatch courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

You can’t go into a Whole Foods or indie record store without hearing somebody talk about it: democratic socialism. Is it a radical new idea that we should try out in our nation, or is it an old idea with the word “democratic” stapled to the front to make it sound more palatable? Find out in this handy explainer from your friends at The Babylon Bee:

What is Democratic Socialism?

Democratic Socialism is a growing movement in America promising every citizen the most basic human rights, including but not limited to free healthcare, a government-guaranteed job making at least $15 per hour, free college tuition, guaranteed housing, broadband internet access, and cage-free vegan lattes.

How would the government pay for all of that?

By rightfully appropriating money from terrible, evil, oppressive, hardworking, enterprising citizens who have earned wealth via the dreaded free market economy that has led to unprecedented human flourishing. Governments are known for being the most efficient spenders of money, and so surely would do an excellent job as stewards of your wealth—err, we mean, the public’s wealth.

Isn’t it immoral to take most of the money people earn?

No—actually, it’s the right thing to do. People with money only got that money because of inherent privilege, racism, sexism, bigotry, homophobia, transphobia, patriarchy, and all kinds of other unfair power structures and phobias. You know what, we’re a little concerned with all the questions you’re asking here. It sounds like someone needs to spend a little more time in a democratic re-education loyalty center! KILL THE KULAKS!

How does Democratic Socialism differ from just “Socialism”?

It has the word “Democratic” in front of it, you see, which means it is achieved by promoting identity politics, stoking class warfare, and cranking that entitlement mentality up to 11, instead of literal violent overthrow of the government. Besides, voting for the government to seize people’s wealth is totally different from the government deciding to do so on their own, right? Err… uh… DID WE MENTION YOU GET FREE STUFF?? Say it with us: Socialism good, Democratic Socialism better!

It seems like if you try to run the numbers, there’s just no way Democratic Socialism is a fiscally feasible form of government.

“Run the numbers”? “Fiscally feasible”? Have you been paying attention, like, at all? Do you want free money, or are you part of the problem? YOU GET FREE MONEY, AND YOU GET FREE MONEY—ERRYBODY GETS FREE MONEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!

Go here to read the rest.  PopeWatch is stunned to realize that the same people who write for The Bee must also write economic policy statements for the Vatican.  That explains a lot!

 

6

Stop Imposing Your Catholicism on Those Poor People!

News that I missed courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an alarming show of religious extremism and complete disregard for the separation of church and state, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was spotted by news reporters serving food to the homeless.

Kavanaugh performed the frightening display of religious devotion alongside an organized group of radicalized Catholics, whose extremist mission appears to be helping the needy. Local news crews leaped out of the bushes and caught him in the act, asking him, “What do you have to say for yourself, BIGOT?”

“It is disturbing that a SCOTUS nominee can so flagrantly practice his faith in the public sphere without fear of reprisal,” read an opinion piece published on Politico. “We want justices who don’t have an inherent bias for lifting up the poor and enacting mercy and, well, you know—justice.”

The writer went on to compare the Catholic judge’s actions to “something out of The Handmaid’s Tale,” stating that if the United States doesn’t start vetting judges for extremist positions like being a member of one of the world’s largest religions, “we will soon be living in a theonomy.”

Go here to read the rest. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is more threatening to so many vested interests in this country than a believing Christian.

8

That Would Be Unthinkable

News that I missed courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—The Resistance movement, formed to oppose President Trump, has stepped up its efforts against the right’s “rapidly encroaching tyranny.” They have vowed to do whatever they can to stop Trump, other than showing even basic respect to the tens of millions of Americans who voted for him.

“This is unlike any other time in history,” said Adrienne Stokes, an activist and self-proclaimed member of the Resistance. “We have to be willing to do anything we can to bring down Trump and stop the rise of the alt-right. Spend every day protesting. Mob his cronies. Go to jail if we have to. Absolutely anything… as long as it doesn’t involve acknowledging the cares and concerns of people who don’t share our politics.”

“We will go the distance, up to the moment we’re asked to have a civil conversation—that would be a bridge too far.”

This is a sentiment widely shared by all the loudest opposition to Trump—antifa, Democrats, journalists—who see Trump as a challenge to this country unlike anything it has ever faced. To them, that means every strategy must be considered to stop the rising tide of fascism short of treating their political opponents as fellow human beings and not the cartoon villains they have dreamed up in their heads.

 

Go here to read the rest.

 

25 On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

26 “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”

27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b]

28 “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

29 But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

30 In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31 A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32 So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Trump supporter, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34 He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. 35 The next day he took out two denarii[c] and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’

36 “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

37 The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”

Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”

3

Enemies of the People

News I missed courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

 

RICHMOND, VA—In a bold move intended to battle fascist ideology, antifa activists have released the home addresses of two children who allegedly sold Steven Bannon lemonade as he walked by their house on a warm Richmond morning over the weekend.

“HERE ARE THE NAMES AND ADDRESSES OF THE TWO FASCIST SYMPATHIZERS WHO WERE SEEN FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY,” one Antifa member posted on his Twitter account. “WE’RE NOT PUBLISHING THESE TO INCITE VIOLENCE. WE JUST SO HAPPEN TO BE PUTTING THE ADDRESSES UP HERE AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, SHOULD YOU WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO THEM.”

 

Go here to read the rest.

3

Beauty Contest

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Bowing to public pressure, Donald Trump has agreed to remove a popular mainstay of the Supreme Court nomination process: the swimsuit competition.

“This is long overdue,” said law professor Edgar Ford. “It’s time to put out the message that judges of all shapes and sizes can rule on Constitutional issues. Not just those who look good in a bikini.”

The swimsuit competition has been considered controversial ever since it caused the otherwise-qualified Robert Bork not to get a seat at the Supreme Court in 1987. More recently, the swimsuit competition was why the Republicans wouldn’t even consider Barack Obama’s nominee Merrick Garland, instead waiting for the election of Donald Trump, whom supporters consider to have a better eye for such things.

It will be a new era selecting a Supreme Court Justice without the swimsuit competition, and Trump made it clear he made this choice grudgingly. “People don’t want it anymore, so I got rid of it,” Trump told the press. “But let’s not pretend people like Supreme Court Justices for their personalities.”

Go here to read the rest.  Images of some of the current Justices in bikinis just flashed through my brain.  Time for another mind wipe!

1

PopeWatch: God Made Him That Way

From the most intentionally humorous Catholic site on the net, A Catholic Misfit:

 

VATICAN CITY – A Trump supporter, while touring Rome earlier this week, said Pope Francis told him his politics “doesn’t matter” to him and that “God made you like this.”

Mylan S. Yerrlan, from Akron OH, provided details of their conversation to ACMPress.

“Mylan, that you support Trump doesn’t matter,” Yerrlan said Francis told him. “God made you like this and loves you like this and it doesn’t matter to me. The pope loves you like this. You have to be happy with who you are.”

Yerrlan said his political beliefs came up after Pope Francis commented on his MAGA t-shirt, adding that the Pontiff’s words gave him great comfort.

 

Go here to read the rest.  It was just announced by the Vatican that Pope Francis thought that he was participating in a revival of The Apprentice and thus no attention should be paid to his remarks.  Sound advice!

2

This Explains a Lot

News that I have missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—While most Americans are hostile to socialism, touching a hot stove, and sticking one’s face in a sack full of badgers, surveys show that millennials are much more open to these dangerous ideas and activities than previous generations.

Finding themselves pessimistic about the future and saddled with student debt, millennials often turn to socialism, and also tend to say things like “Hey, maybe it would be fun to touch that hot, glowy thing above the oven.”

These new attitudes towards stove touching, putting one’s face in a sack full of badgers, and socialism is changing the Democratic Party, already resulting in a surprise win for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in the NY-14 primary who openly ran on a platform of democratic socialism along with “democratic sticking your face in a sack full of badgers,” which is “fundamentally different” from the old style of just sticking your face in a sack full of badgers, according to Ocasio-Cortez.

“The system has failed in getting a close look at badgers,” Ocasio-Cortez told an enthused crowd. “It’s past time to just stick our face in a sack full of them.”

 

Go here to read the rest.  The motto of my generation was “Badgers?  We don’t need no stinking badgers!”.  Times change I guess.

 

Shatner to Social Justice Warriors: Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

BTW 16 US Presidents owned slaves. Many of them are featured on US Currecy. 😱I’d suggest those offended round up all this objectionable currency – make sure you check the pockets of the clothes in the hamper 😏 and send all that offensive cash to me. If you need my address (See above).

 

Good advice Social Justice Warriors.

4

Amen!

As usual, The Babylon Bee is on target:

 

U.S.—After Justice Kennedy announced his retirement Wednesday, the nation took a brief moment to thank the Lord that Hillary Clinton lost the 2016 election, and thus would not be able to select his replacement for the Supreme Court.

The nation acknowledged that it didn’t deserve God’s blessings but thanked Him anyway for sparing them a Clinton presidency.

“Father God, we just want to thank You that Hillary Clinton didn’t win the presidency. We know, Lord, that Trump isn’t ideal either, but hoo boy. That was a close one,” one man said in a special emergency prayer and thanksgiving service held at his church in Kentucky. “You truly are wise and sovereign.”

Go here to read the rest.  I guess Hillary Clinton’s outreach to Christians which seemed to be non-existent, go here to read about it, might need a fine tuning for the Dems in 2020.   Their traditional implicit slogan of Hey you stupid Christers, vote for us, doesn’t seem to be working.

 

1

PopeWatch: Separation Anxiety

From the most intentionally humorous Catholic site on the net, A Catholic Misfit:

FT LAUDERDALE, FL – An unidentified US bishop suggested that penalties be put in place for Catholics who help carry out any parish’s Worship Committee policy of separating families during Mass, when children are removed from the congregation for the Liturgy of the Word. He presented the recommendation while speaking Wednesday at the annual spring meeting of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops.

“Canonical penalties are there in place to heal, not punish,” he said, according to ACMPress. “And therefore, for the good and well-being of these people’s souls, it’s time we take a look at canonical penalties.”

 

 

Go here to read the rest.  PopeWatch was about to call the Vatican when the Pope called him.

“Gringo, I told you I would be calling you again.”

Yes, your holiness.

“What do you think of Mark Shea?”

I’d rather not say your holiness.

“Would he be loyal to me?”

I am sure holiness if you told him to engage in self cannibalism he would immediately reach for a carving knife.

” Good gringo, good, I will be calling you again.”

Seizing my opportunity I asked the Pope about the above story.

“You gringos.  If Christ came tomorrow you would be calling me to ask about how to properly address Him!  I don’t care if you have your brats play in the streets during Mass!”  And with a loud slamming sound the phone audience came to a conclusion.

Ten Years of TAC: The Ten Commandments of the Science Fiction Writer

(The American Catholic will observe its tenth anniversary in October.  We will be reposting some classic TAC posts of the past.  This post is from March 26, 2013.)

 

 

My co-blogger Darwin has a good post at his blog, Darwin Catholic, expressing his irritation at three laws proposed by the late science fiction writer Arthur Clarke.  Go here to read it.  The proposing of laws seems to often go with the territory of being a science fiction writer.  Asimov had his laws of robotics, for example.  Reading Darwin’s post propelled me into imagining the ten commandments for science fiction writers, and here they are:

 

 

1.  You are a science fiction writer, and will write only science fiction:  no fantasy, no (spit) urban fantasy, no (gag) romance novels disguised as fantasy.  This rule is subject to being overruled if you really, really need the cash.

2.  You will not bow down to the idols of popular taste or to what will sell in the mass market.  Kindle and e-publishing will have your sole worship.

3.  You will not take the name of science in vain and have more than three scientific absurdities in each story that you write.

4.  All the rest of creation labors for only six days.  For science fiction writing wretches remember the words of Heinlein:  “Six days shalt thou work and do all thou art able; the seventh the same, and pound on the cable.

5.  Honor your father and your mother as they may well be the ones supporting you as you seek fame and fortune by scribbling endlessly for a living.

6.  You shall not murder other science fiction writers who shamelessly steal your ideas.  You may think about murdering them however quite a bit.

7.  You shall not commit adultery with other literary genres, unless you really, really need the money.  See the first commandment.

8.  You shall not steal ideas from hack writers.  Stealing ideas from good writers is permissible so long as you have plausible deniability.

9.  You shall not bear false witness against other writers, even if they have it coming.  (Well maybe a little bit, if they really, really have it coming.)

10. You will not covet anything that more successful writers have that you do not.  You write only to express yourself and not to gain financial riches!  (Everyone can now stop laughing.)

1

PopeWatch: Mercy Me

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The Vatican announced today that they will be opening a second Year of Mercy.

The initiative is intended to address the crisis in the sacrament of confession and is being called, “The Year of Mercy: A Second Helping.”

“Over half of the confessions in the Church today are invalid because the faithful actually do not believe any of their actions are sinful,” Cardinal Thomas Olvelli explained. “Without an actual sin confessed, the sacrament is invalid.”

“Many penitents find the confessional line burdensome and are not able to wait for confession. That is not mercy,” The Cardinal went on to say. “During this new round of mercy, an individual will simply have the ability to have a deep, inward conversation with the Lord. Then with prudent and mature reflection, that individual will determine, in the sanctity of his or her own conscience, that he or she has never actually committed any sins, and thus maintaining the sanctity of the sacrament.”

In addition, Olvelli announced that 10,000 newly appointed “Agents of the Second Helping” will begin circling the globe this January to close down all remaining confessionals.

One Agent of Mercy, Monsignor Alejandro Pipetti, explained the initiative, saying, “Let’s face it, the confessional is a medieval torture chamber, designed to instill fear of the Lord into the faithful. How can the faithful begin to grow closer to the Lord if they fear Him? I believe it is better to have fear of one’s own conscience, especially since it can so easily be manipulated and told what is right and what is wrong. After all, there is no fear in that which you control.”

 

Go here to comment.  PopeWatch would be afraid to confess to himself.  Saying perpetual Paternosters on his knees would make blogging problematic for PopeWatch.

2

PopeWatch: The Great Escape

News that PopeWatch missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis again eluded his security detail Monday, this time quickly releasing statements which seem to cast doubt on the Catholic Church’s longstanding positions on polygamy and Unitarianism before he could be secured again, sources confirmed.

Francis was reportedly able to trick his handlers into thinking he was still in bed by stuffing pillows under his blankets early in the morning and leaving a CD of snoring sounds on repeat in the papal apartment. By the time his head of security discovered the ruse, Francis had already given an interview to an Italian television station possibly affirming polygamy, saying, “Listen, I don’t want to come down too heavy on that. Just seems kind of harsh—and who am I to judge?”

The Pope then led his security detail on a wild chase through St. Peter’s Square, weaving in and out of the Swiss Guard, losing his pursuers in the cheering throngs. However, he did stop long enough to give a quick, scandalous statement to the Catholic News Syndicate on Unitarians, saying he thought they were “maybe, you know, not too far off.”

Go here to read the rest.  A confidential source of PopeWatch among the Swiss Guards denied the story.  “Once they isued us the tranquilizer darts, he no longer can elude us.”.

 

5

PopeWatch: Too Catholic

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Congregants of a Baptist church in South Carolina yesterday unanimously voted to remove all bibles from their church because many believe it’s too “Catholic” for their place of worship.

In a letter written to his congregation, Pastor Don Ringle said the bibles would be removed this week.

“We have discovered that there are people that view the bible as Catholic in nature,” Ringle wrote, going on to say that the bible was beginning to bring into question “the theology and core values of the church.”

“I’ve tried for years to remove certain passages from the bible, telling people to tear out this book and that, this chapter and that, until we were basically left with a pamphlet. After some consideration and dialogue with my congregants, as well as prayer, we decided the whole bible that was left to us still smelled a little too papist.”

The letter also stated that Catholic churches around the South Carolina area had until Friday to pick up the bibles if they wanted to keep them, and that if not, they would be destroyed.

A spokesman for the Catholic Church in the area thanked Ringle, but said that they have no use for abridged versions of the bible.

 

Go here to comment.  PopeWatch has been unable to confirm that in response the Pontifical Council on Interreligious Dialogue is contemplating a statement of concern that the Bible is un-ecumenical.

1

PopeWatch: Shazaam!

News that PopeWatch missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

VATICAN CITY—In an honest, impromptu homily delivered Monday, Pope Francis admitted he is just making most of his theology up as he goes, ignoring thousands of years of official Church doctrine in favor of “whatever pops into my head at the time.”

Where past Popes have been careful in their attempts to stay in line with official Catholic teaching, Pope Francis confessed he doesn’t really know much official doctrine, stating that he’s more of a “shoot from the hip kind of guy” when it comes to weighty topics of morality, salvation, God, and eternity.

“People ask me questions, and I’m not always sure what to say, so honestly I’m just winging it,” the Pope said in his candid, unscheduled address. “This job is really hard, when you think about it. Trying to be the Vicar of Christ and deal with everybody’s complicated theological questions all at the same time? Ugh. It gives me a headache. So I just start talking. Even I’m surprised with what comes out sometimes.”

“I just want everyone to know about, like, love and God and stuff,” he added thoughtfully before beginning to take questions from those gathered in the Sistine Chapel, with the Pope signing off on Christian fornication, adultery, and polygamy during the short impromptu Q&A session.

At publishing time, frantic Catholic leadership had located the Pope and tackled him to the ground to prevent him from saying anything further.

 

Now he tells us!  And with that PopeWatch will be on Memorial Day hiatus until May 29.

 

20

Invading America is a Very, Very Bad Idea

Shall we expect some transatlantic military giant, to step the Ocean, and crush us at a blow? Never!–All the armies of Europe, Asia and Africa combined, with all the treasure of the earth (our own excepted) in their military chest; with a Buonaparte for a commander, could not by force, take a drink from the Ohio, or make a track on the Blue Ridge, in a trial of a thousand years.

Abraham Lincoln, January 27, 1838

Hattip to Ace of Spades blog for the map.

 

 

Should hostilities once break out between Japan and the United States, it is not enough that we take Guam and the Philippines, nor even Hawaii and San Francisco. To make victory certain, we would have to march into Washington and dictate the terms of peace in the White House. I wonder if our politicians, among whom armchair arguments about war are being glibly bandied about in the name of state politics, have confidence as to the final outcome and are prepared to make the necessary sacrifices.

Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto, Commander in Chief, Imperial Combined Fleet, January 26, 1941

 

The Simpsons Do Ayn Rand

 

We struggle to be just. For we cannot help feeling at least a sympathetic pain before the sheer labor, discipline, and patient craftsmanship that went to making this mountain of words. But the words keep shouting us down. In the end that tone dominates. But it should be its own antidote, warning us that anything it shouts is best taken with the usual reservations with which we might sip a patent medicine. Some may like the flavor. In any case, the brew is probably without lasting ill effects. But it is not a cure for anything. Nor would we, ordinarily, place much confidence in the diagnosis of a doctor who supposes that the Hippocratic Oath is a kind of curse.

Whittaker Chambers, Big Sister is Watching You, National Review, December 28, 1957

 

 

 

 

 

Gary Cooper thought the speech of Howard Roark was rambling and confusing and didn’t make sense.  Ayn Rand was furious that the full speech from her novel was not given in the film.  Critics savaged the film.  The film can be enjoyed if viewed as a parody of a movie based on a bad novel.  If considered in that manner, the film is a laugh fest!

PopeWatch: Bad Deal

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Pope Francis announced Tuesday that he will withdraw the Vatican from the Columbia House 8 CDs For A Penny Deal, breaking with European churches, and fulfilling a major conclave campaign promise.

“Today’s action sends a message that the Vatican no longer makes empty threats,” a boastful Francis told the press, going on to attack his predecessor Benedict XVI. “Signing up the Vatican for this was horrible, one-sided deal that should have never, ever been made. Columbia house gets its money, but we really don’t get anything because no one uses CDs anymore.”

Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby issued a statement denouncing Francis’ decision while urging Columbia House to “continue to meet its own obligations in bombarding the Vatican with special new offers.”

“Our church remains committed to ensuring the agreement is upheld, and will work with all the remaining parties to the deal to ensure this remains the case so that we may ecumenically come together once a month to discuss CDs that we like and those that we disliked.”

Some in the Catholic Church, with one anonymous Cardinal saying, “While I strongly opposed the Columbia House deal, it is a grave mistake to walk away from this deal without a plan for ensuring that [Columbia House] doesn’t launch a barrage of email offers.”

 

Go here to comment.  PopeWatch eagerly awaits the excommunication by Pope Francis of all who initiate robo calls.

CNN: Evil Trump Kidnaps Three Happy Guests of North Korea

From the ever brilliant The Babylon Bee:

 

ATLANTA, GA—An exclusive new CNN report revealed Thursday that President Trump has kidnapped three people from the paradise of North Korea, forcing them to get on a plane and return to the United States against their wishes.

 

A teary-eyed CNN anchor broke the story, visibly enraged at the egregious act of international terrorism. CNN reporters had discovered that the three visitors had been in North Korea enjoying a vacation for many months before Trump unilaterally decided to have them forcibly flown back to America, even aggressively accosting them when they landed.

“This heartbreaking story shows just how low President Trump will go,” the anchor said, his voice quavering. “How much longer will this country allow this madman to go on trampling the name of the United States on the world stage? This is an unprecedented act, for a sitting president to personally kidnap perfectly happy visitors to the communist wonderland of North Korea.”

 

Go here to read the rest.

 

2

Taco Appropriation

From The Babylon Bee:

 

IRVINE, CA—Cultural appropriators in America, you’ve just been put on notice. Fast-Food giant Taco Bell has announced that from now on it will only serve customers of Mexican descent to ensure that “everyone stays in their lanes.”

 

Patrons will be asked to show proof of their Mexican heritage at the drive-thru window or dine-in counter, and anyone who doesn’t meet the stringent racial standards won’t be able to partake in Taco Bell’s authentic Mexican cuisine.

Great job, Taco Bell! It’s important for restaurants to make sure that people of different ethnicities are not experiencing each other’s cultures, or harmfully colonizing fast food.

 

Go here to read the rest.  I knew this was going to happen long ago:

 

 

2

PopeWatch: Robertson Guard

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

In an effort to become more inclusive, The Pontifical Swiss Guard announced this morning that it would begin defending leaders of other faiths for the first time in its long history.

Beginning next month, the Pontifical Swiss Guard will be known as the Interreligious Swiss Guard.

“Interreligious Swiss Guard perfectly represents the new, inclusive program to help protect Protestant pastors, rabbis, and other religious leaders, including the security of their megachurches, synagogues and so on,” said Commander of the Interreligious Swiss Guard Christoph Graf.

Graf went on to announce that twenty members of the Swiss Guard have already been ordered to move from Rome and to be stationed at The 700 Club headquarters in Virginia Beach, Virginia, next week where they will have the duty to protect and defend television personality Pat Robertson.

“As we enter the dawn of a new era for our organization, it is important that no religious leaders feel excluded. We no longer want anyone to think that their religion and leadership is not worthy of protection,” Graff said.

Requirements to enter the Interreligious Swiss Guard will also change to reflect the new standards. Guards must be Catholic or not, single males or females with Swiss citizenship or citizenship from any another country, who have obtain certificates of good to decent conduct.

The official oath that will be sworn in Virginia Beach next week will be as follows:

I swear I will faithfully, loyally and honorably serve Pat Robertson and his descendants, and dedicate myself to them with all my strength, sacrificing, if necessary, my life to defend them. I assume this same commitment with regard to Christian Broadcasting Network executives whenever the Network See is vacant. Furthermore I promise to the Commanding Captain and my other superiors respect, fidelity and obedience. I swear to observe all that the honor of my position demands of me.

 

Go here to comment.  The Vatican has refused to confirm or deny that the new Guard will be armed with recordings of the homilies of the Pope.

9

Weird Al Parody of Star Wars Before Star Wars Became a Parody of Star Wars

“A refurbished Star Wars is on somewhere or everywhere. I have no intention of revisiting any galaxy. I shrivel inside each time it is mentioned. Twenty years ago, when the film was first shown, it had a freshness, also a sense of moral good and fun. Then I began to be uneasy at the influence it might be having. The bad penny first dropped in San Francisco when a sweet-faced boy of twelve told me proudly he had seen Star Wars over a hundred times. His elegant mother nodded with approval. Looking into the boys eyes I thought I detected little star-shells of madness beginning to form and I guess that one day they would explode.

‘I would love for you to do something for me,’ I said.

“Anything! Anything!’ the boy said rapturously.

‘You won’t like what I’m going to ask you to do.’ I said.

‘Anything, sir, anything!’

‘Well,’ I said, ‘do you think you could promise never to see Star Wars again?’

He bursts into tears. His mother drew herself up to an immense height. ‘What a dreadful thing to say to a child!’ she barked, and dragged the poor kid away. Maybe she was right but I just hope the lad, now in his thirties, is not living in a fantasy world of secondhand, childish banalities.”

Alec Guinness,  A Positively Final Appearance (1999)

 

 

 

 

 

4

PopeWatch: Cats

News that PopeWatch missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

VATICAN CITY—In a sweeping statement Tuesday, Pope Francis announced his belief that all cats across the world are Christians. Although pundits frequently acknowledge the Pope’s progressive policies, Catholic scholars are calling this a “truly unprecedented” move.

 

“A Pope hasn’t made a declaration like this since Pope Alexander VI issued a Papal Bull against Llamas in 1493,” noted one high-ranking official at the Vatican, who chose to remain anonymous. “One thing is certain: this will change the conversation on whether an individual can truly ‘own’ a cat.”

Several years ago, scholars universally acknowledged that all dogs go to heaven. It is unclear whether or not today’s announcement jeopardizes this previous belief. When asked about any possible conflict, the Vatican’s media specialist responded: “That was a predominantly Protestant perspective. I think it originated with Karl Barkh’s Dog-matic theology.”

 

Go here to read the rest.  PopeWatch would say something pungent, but Cats purportedly have long memories:

 

16

Do You Know Who I Am?

My advice to clients when involved in a traffic stop.  Be polite and professional.  Do not argue with the cop.  Answer questions as briefly as possible.  Concentrate on what the cop is saying.  Keep track of how long the stop lasts.  Politely decline to take any tests or to allow any searches of your vehicle.  Get to me as soon as possible after the stop to tell me exactly what was said and done.  Any argument about the stop will be done by me in Court, where it matters.

 

Caren Turner, ex Ethics Commissioner for the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey gives us a great example of how not to handle a traffic stop (strong language advisory):

 

Way to go Caren for turning a meaningless traffic stop into a life altering calamity for yourself!  Give her a hand ladies and gentlemen for giving us all an example to avoid!

18

Ban the Van

I assume that all of you have heard about the tragic van attack in Toronto that took ten innocent lives and injured fifteen.  Politicians around the world have offered the usual thoughts and prayers.  My friends that is simply not enough.  These attacks will not end until we ban the van.

These behemoths of the road are always potential engines of mass destruction, whether used deliberately for that purpose or accidentally. Please do not respond in opposition to a common sense ban on vans by citing some mythical right to use the mode of transportation of our choice.   Our ancestors rode on carriages powered by a horse. Two at most. They did not intend for us to use fully automatic transmission with engines capable of making cars go 120 mph. NOBODY, AND I MEAN NOBODY, in a civilized society needs to have a vehicle with a 10 speed automatic transmission or even a 7 speed automatic transmission.

In cities around the globe bollards are being placed along streets to prevent rogue vans from suddenly mowing down pedestrians.  How much more rational to simply ban the van.

Please don’t give me the sophistical argument that vans serve a useful purpose.  We have alternative means of transportation, including shank’s mare, and if just one life is saved, a ban on vans is completely justified.  In 2016 there were over five million automobile collisions in the US, many involving vans, with a stunning 37,000 fatalities, with the maimed and injured numbering in the hundreds of thousands.  It is time for this carnage to cease, now!

I can hear the counterargument that if we outlaw vans only outlaws will have vans.  Precisely!  Easier for law authorities to confiscate them and imprison the malefactors.  It is time to take a stand for our lives, and the lives of our children!  Vote out of office all van loving politicians, in thrall to the money from the merchants of death, the manufacturers of these blood stained vans.

 

Ban the Van!  Ban the Van!  Ban the Van!

 

1

PopeWatch: April Fools

In a little noted meeting with media on April 1, 2018, Pope Francis proclaimed his papacy the April Fools Pontificate:

 

We are all, or should be, fools for Christ.  And in the Spirit of Our Savior who smiled and laughed while He walked among us here on Earth, I have striven to present to the Faithful a minuscule fraction of the mirth that God experiences from watching the pratfalls of mankind as we wend our way through History.  It pains me that many Catholics have failed to get the joke, and have taken many of my humorous asides seriously.  Now, really, who could possibly think, for example, that the Vicar of Christ would ever talk about Catholics breeding like rabbits, except as a joke? My laugh riot “encyclicals” have been mistakenly moved out of the papal joke category and have been taken, incredibly, as actual encyclicals by too many humor impaired of the Faithful.  It is rightly said that when a comic has to explain a joke, the joke is ruined.  To simplify matters, I do here proclaim that in future if I make a statement dressed as Bobo the Papal Clown, the Faithful may assume that I am speaking gravely and seriously.  On all other occasions I am only being my customary Pontiff Fun and jesting with you.  I hope this statement has been an adequate clarification and that the nasty American Catholic blogs will now cease to pursue me as if I were actually serious as to the buffoonish statements and writings that have made my pontificate, I trust, truly memorable, and a source of laughter for intelligent orthodox Catholics.

The Pope then had members of his Swiss Guard spray the members of the Fourth Estate present with seltzer water, and the audience was at an end.

2

PopeWatch: Pope Resigns!

In a shocking development Pope Francis has announced his resignation effective Easter Sunday, April 1, 2018.  The Vatican statement is as follows:

 

“His Holiness has announced his resignation which will be immediately after Easter Mass.  Noting that he has accomplished much of what he set out to accomplish, he has said that it was time for a younger man to take on the blessed burden of Mother Church.   He plans to retire to Argentina and to spend his time praying, in good works and blogging.  He assures the faithful that no doubt the Holy Spirit will be as efficacious in the choice of his successor as the Holy Spirit was when he was chosen.  He has enjoyed his time as Pope except for the cruel attacks by some American Catholic bloggers.”

The Pope Emeritus has announced his fond farewell to Pope Francis and has mentioned that in the unlikely event the Conclave were to choose him, he would reluctantly agree to serve.

PopeWatch has been unable to  confirm the rumor that a rainbow out of a clear sky suddenly appeared over Saint Peters at the time  of the announcement of the resignation.

 

Then PopeWatch woke up, and with that PopeWatch will be on Easter hiatus until April 2, 2018.

7

The Big Jew Weather Machine

 

One thing I have noted about antisemitism over the years is that it almost invariably is useful as an idiot detector:

 

Trayon White, who is currently in his first term on the council, posted a video to his Facebook account on Friday of a snowy sky. White can be heard narrating in the background about the cold weather.

“It just started snowing out of nowhere this morning, man. Y’all better pay attention to this climate control, man, this climate manipulation,” White says in the video, which was first reported on by the Washington Post on March 18. “That’s a model based off the Rothschilds, controlling the climate to create natural disasters they can pay for to own the cities, man. Be careful.”

Go here to read the rest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The best comment on all this was a tweet purportedly from the Mossad noting irately that everyone knows the Rothschilds haven’t controlled the weather machine in four decades.  Personally I suspect that it is now controlled by Elvis and the Cattle Mutilators in league with the Calvinist Illuminati.

6

PopeWatch: Mystery

 

 

Investigators are today pouring over the Vatican attempting to locate Pope Francis and approximately three quarters of the clerics who either work in the Vatican or who were visiting there.  Italian police were summoned to the Vatican in the early morning hours of March 17, 2017 by Cardinal Sarah who reported that he was reading his breviary when he suddenly heard Irish music, smelled the odor of corned beef and cabbage and heard what sounded like someone yelling in a deep voice Et serpentium!  When he left his apartment to check he quickly realized that something was amiss due to the immense quiet and what the Cardinal described as a sense of sacred tranquility that had suddenly descended upon the Vatican.

Police have found no items stolen and nothing out of place, except an abundance of shamrocks and the missing clergy.  People with information as to the vanished clergy are urged to contact Interpol.  It is rumored that members of the Irish Republican Army are being questioned.

2

PopeWatch: Tide

From the most intentionally humorous Catholic site on the internet, Acts of the Apostasy:

 

(AoftheANews) – CINCINNATI – In an effort to increase attendance at their monthly LifeTeen Mass, Sts Proctor & Gamble in suburban Cincinnati will feature Tide Pod colored hosts, featuring the dark blue and orange swirl.

Director of Youth Outreach Dee Terjent explained the decision to AoftheA News. “We know it’s going to be controversial, but we want to juxtapose how ingesting actual Tide Pods is dangerous, while ingesting the Body of Christ brings you life. And cleans you up at the same time.”

Late in 2017, the “Tide Pod challenge” became the latest fad among teenagers, where they’re dared to bite into and even swallow the miniature laundry soap packets. Tide has worked diligently to increase awareness on the inherent dangers, while YouTube has been systematically removing videos from its service.

“We are in no way encouraging kids to partake of the challenge,” Terjent said. “Our goal is to tell them to think about the consequences, and don’t go along with the crowd. Kids are always going to do dumb things, but if the dumbest thing they ever do is attend a LifeTeen Mass, then I feel we’ve done our job.”

Fr. Ken Moore, pastor of Sts P&G, approved the idea. “I know I’ll get some blowback for this, but at the end of the day, I will have gotten kids to come to Church and hear a positive message. And frankly, I’m of the opinion that if more parents washed out their kids’ mouths with soap, they wouldn’t be daring one another to eat it.”

 

Go here to comment.  PopeWatch called the Vatican.  Since the Pope is no longer speaking to PopeWatch, he attempted to speak to anyone who would speak to him.  Thus he ended up talking to Sister Mundus Maria, who is in charge of the Vatican Laundry.  She indicated that she was familiar with Tide and that  in no circumstance  should it be ingested, no matter how delicious it smells.  As to Tide colored hosts, she thought that the Father proposing it obviously had too much starch in his collar.  PopeWatch thanked her for her time and Sister said that she was always happy to chat when she was waiting on loads of laundry to finish drying, but that she could under no circumstances reveal laundry secrets except that the Pope always wanted his clothes dried on the mercy cycle.  And with that, the conversation came to an end.

3

PopeWatch: Lenten Calculations

 

 

 

From Acts of the Apostasy, the most intentionally funny Catholic site on the net:

 

(AoftheANews) – DUNDEE – Police were called to Our Lady of Just Desserts on Sunday, February 11, in response to an altercation among a group of parishioners following the 10 AM Mass. What had begun as a disagreement between two mothers turned into a near riot, resulting in the entire Dundee police force descending en masse to restore peace.

“It happened in the Social Hall,” said Dundee Police Chief Ed Cruller. “Two moms were arguing over the proper way to calculate the 40 Days of Lent, and from there it escalated out of control. Fortunately, no one was hurt during the altercation, though a platter of donut holes suffered significant damage, and could not be salvaged. Believe me, we tried.”

The women involved, May de Fource and Bea Whitchu, spoke separately with AoftheA News via telephone.

“I still don’t know what happened,” May said. “I said to Bea, it’s going to be tough coming to coffee hour when you’ve given up sweets for Lent. Bea replied with ‘but Sundays don’t count in Lent’, and we went back and forth. Next thing I know, she’s calling me ‘holier than thou’ and ‘righteous zealot’, and I think I might have thrown a chair.”

“Sunday’s don’t count,” Bea said. “That’s how you get to 40 days. Otherwise Lent is 46 days, which makes no sense. She got in my face about being a slacker, so once I finished my glazed chocolate donut holes, I might have shoved her or something. Frankly, I think May’s suffering from sugar withdrawal, because normally she’s just passive aggressive, not regular aggressive, you know?”

“We’re still taking statements, getting details,” Chief Cruller said. “From most accounts, their husbands became involved, then their kids, and then half the hall. We arrived, restored peace, and escorted parishioners off the premises. Both women have agreed to not press charges. We also confiscated the donut holes as evidence.”

The pastor, Fr Tim Bitz, told AoftheA News he appreciated the police’s quick response and restoring order. “This could have been as bad – if not worse – than Lent 2012, when I filled the holy water fonts with sand. Talk about a riot!”

Go here to comment.  PopeWatch called the Vatican but was advised by the nun running the Vatican switchboard that the Pope had left a message for PopeWatch:  “Tell the gringo I have given up talking to him for Lent!”.