News from the future courtesy of The Babylon Bee:
The seers at The Babylon Bee, authors of hundreds of now-fulfilled prophecies, have come together to bring you our 100% accurate predictions for 2026.
To verify our predictions, we hired a witch from the forest moon of Endor to summon the ghost of Samuel. He was a little cranky, but he told us it was all true. Behold!
January 1 – Ariana Grande makes New Year’s resolution to lose 50 pounds.
January 6 – AOC attends her annual memorial.
January 29 – Candace Owens provides definitive proof Charlie Kirk was killed by The Coca-Cola Company.
January 30 – President Trump imposes tariffs on Australia unless they agree to relinquish the rights to Bluey.
February 2 – Punxsutawney Phil emerges from his hole and sees a vision of millions burning in flame, signaling the start of the thousand-year war.
February 6 – The Winter Olympics begin in Milan. Every other country surrenders immediately rather than face the superior physical skill and intellect of the United States.
February 19 – The Los Angeles Dodgers sign every single baseball player on planet earth, forcing all other teams to forfeit the season.
February 25 – Gavin Newsom secures trade deal with China for more hair gel.
March 13 – Chicago flooded after JB Pritzker accidentally falls into Lake Michigan during boat tour.
March 19 – Kamala Harris announces she will run for President of Smirnoff Bottling Co.
March 21 – Candace Owens provides definitive proof Charlie Kirk was killed by nanobots controlled by Elon Musk.
March 25 – Trump imposes tariffs on Minneapolis.
April 1 – Valve announces Half-Life 3.
April 4 – The Kansas City Chiefs trade Taylor Swift for Sydney Sweeney.
May 4 – Elon Musk fathers his 520th child. Musk declares the child “the chosen one,” though it is unclear what this means. It’s probably fine.
May 20 – Trump imposes tariffs on Canada after he runs out of maple syrup.
June 7 – Kids everywhere literally lose their minds over the date being 6-7, forcing Trump to deploy the National Guard and put a stop to what is later called the 6-7 Uprising.
June 17 – Candace Owens provides definitive proof Charlie Kirk was killed by Space Force.
June 27 – Canada euthanizes its last remaining citizen. The land is reclaimed by the Moose People of the Yukon.
June 29 – The United States organizes a coalition and launches a ground campaign in Canada.
July 2 – American forces march on Toronto, hoping to gain a strategic foothold against the Moose People.
July 10 – A 50-megaton nuclear bomb is dropped on Calgary.
July 14 – Remaining Moose People are rounded up and put on trial in the International Courts.
July 27 – Trump announces the founding of a brand-new country called America’s Canada.
July 28 – Trump imposes tariffs on America’s Canada.
August 8 – California catches on fire.
August 15 – James Cameron announces eight more Avatar sequels, causing the nation to go, “Oh yeah, Avatar existed.”
August 22 – Trump imposes tariffs on California.
September 5 – Candace Owens provides definitive proof Charlie Kirk was killed by a Chinese man who tunneled through the earth from China.
September 11 – Zohran Mamdani announces a day of mourning for his aunt, who felt awkward wearing her hijab on the subway.
September 19 – Dick Van Dyke unlocks the secret of immortality and declares himself God Emperor. He later transforms into a sandworm.
October 3 – Joel Osteen accidentally mentions Jesus in a sermon, causing smoke to rise from his mullet.
October 11 – The Dome of the Rock is destroyed.
October 27 – The third Temple is built.
November 2 – Gavin Newsom prepares to leave Governor’s Mansion and try out this homeless thing.
November 3 – Republicans begin to wonder if they were supposed to have done anything before midterm elections.
November 10 – Grand Theft Auto VI delayed another year.
November 28 – The last surviving Stranger Things actor dies at the ripe old age of 127.
November 30 – Benny Hinn taps into unnatural darkside abilities to keep people from dying.
December 12 – The Catholic and Orthodox churches merge, ending the Great Schism and forming the Super Catholic Friends Club.
December 18 – Dune: Part Three releases to worldwide acclaim. Trump calls it “way better than Casablanca.”
December 19 – Trump resigns the presidency, realizing he would rather spend the remainder of his days running a meme page on Facebook.
December 25 – The nation agrees to a one-day truce to stop arguing online to instead celebrate the Incarnation [satire].
December 31 – Having witnessed all the events that happened this year, Jesus returns in judgment.
Go here to read the rest. Bee, stay tuned to this blog and see how an expert prognosticator, choke, does it after Christmas.
Will Pritzker drown, or did will displace all of the water?
***June 27 – Canada euthanizes its last remaining citizen. The land is reclaimed by the Moose People of the Yukon.***
General Bull Winkle drafts articles of war during the Great Bull Session of June 30th. Some assume that this action triggers the July 10th activity. Meanwhile protests erupt around the Hudson Bay. “Moose Peoples Lives Matter.”
All of this was recorded in the dreams and visions of Hunter Biden. A moose people sympathizer.
I predict the June 7 uprising will be averted by many schools already being done for the summer…
“The Catholic and Orthodox churches merge, ending the Great Schism and forming the Super Catholic Friends Club.”
This coming true is about as likely as Candace Owens definitely proving she’s anything other than an ignorant anti-Semitic grifting…” I just leave it at that.