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Demons Have Grievances Too

Demon Grievance

 

In Hell there will be nothing but law and due process will be meticulously observed.

Grant Gilmore

Dear Satan,

It is with great animosity that I file this official complaint regarding my recent assignment to possess a high school student at Blessed Karl Rahner Catholic Community.  As you are well aware I am a very junior demon and this was my first possession assignment outside of Hell. The training I received from senior demons in preparation for this assignment did not prepare me in the least for what I experienced. From what I was told, I would be sent into the world to fight the forces of good and score a victory for the powers of Hell. Instead I myself was exposed to a Hell I have heretofore never experienced.

As you are aware, as a junior demon I have been assigned to the more shallow circles of Hell and my contract explicitly states I am not to be exposed to anything approaching the 5th circle or greater. As you will see my experience during this possession rates at least an 8th, if not 9th circle level of torment.  I have included a statement of what transpired below as evidence of my claims.

In addition, I am petitioning for compensation.  I want to be assigned for at least six weeks to demon corps seven, which is assigned to tempt Catholic politicians. As you know the demons in this corps do practically nothing since it is impossible to tempt people who have no conscience. This will give me adequate time to recover from my traumatic possession experience inflicted by the negligence of those senior demons who failed to properly prepare me. Thank you for your consideration of this request.

Demonically,

Anibalus

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Donald R. McClarey

Cradle Catholic. Active in the pro-life movement since 1973. Father of three and happily married for 35 years. Small town lawyer and amateur historian. Former president of the board of directors of the local crisis pregnancy center for a decade.

14 Comments

  1. To properly diagnose someone as humor-impaired, I believe someone has to say something amusing first. Nobody’s done that so far, so your diagnosis is at best premature.

  2. When did American Catholics start importing the sense of whimsy you expect from American Gothic?

  3. I enjoyed it. I have met all too many “religious” who do not follow the faith we profess at Mass.

  4. Humor is subjective, I know, but this just felt stale to me. Do priests like this even exist any more? The less-orthodox-seeming ones I run into are more likely to answer a question of doctrine for an hour without coming down yes or no than they are to clearly give you a “no”. Or he’s more likely to act like a mega-church evangelical than a wishy-washy mainstream Protestant. This just feels 20 years out of date.

  5. I laughed out loud at the ‘liturgical dance’ part … this piece, is of course a commentary on
    the lack of Catholicity rampant in the ‘Catholic Community’ churches throughout California.
    Gone are the days when the Eucharist was revered for the very fact that indeed, it is
    the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ. Lukewarm Catholicism has resulted in widespread
    ignorance regarding the Deposit of Faith. We could be taken for Baptists these days.
    Relativism has infected these Catholic Light (very light!) kinds of parishes. I mean,
    who has the time these days to say a whole Rosary anyway … too much worldly stuff
    to do and get. I for one, steer clear of the Saturday ‘rock band’ Mass … I like my
    Catholicism ‘old school’ and find the Rosary as powerful a tool as Our Lady says it is.

  6. I’m more surprised that no one seemed to notice the article’s source. It’s a bit of a pun itself. The “Allium-Cepa News Network”? A parody of a satire news network.

  7. I do like tongue in cheek satire, because it’s not true. I’d be more worried if this “junior demon” was real.

Comments are closed.