The Water Fountains Go Without Saying

 

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

PEARLY GATES — According to Heavenly sources, Saint Peter had an unexpected run-in this week with a self-proclaimed Christian nationalist, who asked the apostle to kindly direct him to the “whites-only” section of Heaven.

Christian nationalist Robert Longstreet was killed Tuesday when his homemade bourbon distillery exploded, bringing him one step closer to all-Caucasian Heaven. Or so he thought.

“Which way to the eternal white utopia?” Longstreet asked, prompting Saint Peter to once again dig around behind his desk for the prepared script he reads to all Christian nationalists.

Peter, who had been checking names against the Book of Life for almost 2,000 years, said dealing with Christian nationalists never gets any easier. “Some of them have a sudden pang of guilt as they approach the pearly gates,” he said. “The facade of their worldly life fades away, and they remember that God doesn’t see how man sees. He looks at the heart. But others, like Robert Longstreet, believe there must be an exclusive part of Heaven reserved only for whites. Like the elite membership level of a day spa.”

Longstreet was reportedly shocked to learn that Heaven is unsegregated, with people from all nations, tribes, and tongues all living together in the type of harmony that he found detestable on Earth. “I thought Heaven was supposed to be perfect,” he scoffed. “But there are people here who aren’t white Americans. Some of them might even be Jews.”

Go here to read the rest.

When he gets to his pew and looks round him he sees just that selection of his neighbors whom he has hitherto avoided. You want to lean pretty heavily on those neighbours. Make his mind flit to and fro between an expression like “the body of Christ” and the actual faces in the next pew. It matters very little, of course, what kind of people that next pew really contains. You may know one of them to be a great warrior on the Enemy’s side. No matter. Your patient, thanks to Our Father Below, is a fool. Provided that any of those neighbours sing out of tune, or have boots that squeak, or double chins, or odd clothes, the patient will quite easily believe that their religion must therefore be somehow ridiculous.

CS Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

 

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Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus
Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus
Thursday, January 15, AD 2026 4:25am

We could make a similar parody of Democrats who think that only liberal progressives go to heaven, a place powered by wind mills and solar mirrors, where unicorns frolick and butterflies from Bluesky social media flit about.

I am proudly a Christian Nationalist and as a white boy, I am married to a brown skin Filipina. Regardless of race or culture or national origin, everyone who repents is welcomed into heaven. And I expect that just as in politics I am America first, a Frenchman will be France first, a Japanese will be Japan first, etc. What is wrong with that?

Steven Cass
Steven Cass
Thursday, January 15, AD 2026 7:39am

South Park has a “Mormon Heaven,” and it makes me laugh when I see references to it

Pinky
Pinky
Thursday, January 15, AD 2026 9:48am

I’m a Christian and generally a nationalist, but when we put those two words together it implies something distinct – that is, about the way in which the US is meant to be a Christian nation. We can recognize the danger in putting words like “social” and “justice” next to each other, we should be able to see the same thing here.

Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus
Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus
Thursday, January 15, AD 2026 11:39am

Yes, Pinky has a point. I could be more precise and say I am first a Roman Catholic and second a patriotic American citizen. But I love irritating liberal progressives by calling myself a Christian nationalist. Sorry, Pinky. You can take the sailor out of the submarine, but never the submarine out of the sailor. 😉

Mary De Voe
Mary De Voe
Friday, January 16, AD 2026 12:55am

That ain’t no Christian…and he ain’t going to heaven.

Mary De Voe
Mary De Voe
Friday, January 16, AD 2026 1:01am

Pinky:
Read our Declaration of Independence and our Constitution. It has all been said in the Old and the New Testament.

J. Ronald Parrish
J. Ronald Parrish
Friday, January 16, AD 2026 1:43am

What the “heck” is social Justice? A word or words made to justify “wokenss” in society to replace Christian Charity.

Pinky
Pinky
Friday, January 16, AD 2026 9:24am

“That ain’t no Christian…and he ain’t going to heaven.” It’s interesting to note that general non-denominational Protestantism doesn’t have an argument why he’d be disallowed from Heaven, assuming he said a particular formula about accepting Jesus at some point in his life.

Mary De Voe
Mary De Voe
Saturday, January 17, AD 2026 1:02am

Pinky:
Once saved forever saved Is not a Christian truth, that is why there is the Sacrament of Penance. Man needs to grow spiritually for his own good.

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