News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:
U.S.—After an undercover investigation into the origins and overseas dealings of Elf On The Shelf, authorities have revealed that the beloved Christmas family tradition has been in league with the Communist Party of China for the last 4 years.
“We know this is a shock to many,” said CIA Director Gina Haspel. “But China has employed millions of these elves to learn America’s secrets, as well as their children’s taste in Christmas gifts. This enables Chinese manufacturers to employ their slave labor to make the next hot children’s toys.”
Federal agents have already begun rounding up every elf in the country for interrogation. Authorities are urging families to turn in their communist elves immediately.
President Trump responded to the news on Twitter saying: “I always knew those tiny shelf elves were NO GOOD!!! It’s quite possible they even participated in massive voter fraud! INVESTIGATE!!!”
Go here to read the rest. In other news the Vatican today announced a concordat with Eves on the Shelf and all Catholic Elves on the Shelf are instructed by the Vatican to join the Chinese Patriotic Catholic Elves on the Shelf Association. The Vatican refused to comment on reports of camps in China where dissident Elves on the Shelf are reportedly recycled into chop sticks.
On Oct. 19th I caught four elves on a shelf at my neighbor’s mailbox.
They were balancing one on top of another. The top elf had opened the mailbox and pulled the completed ballot from the mailbox.
It’s no coincidence that my neighbor had Trump signs in her yard.
When Police were contacted and a search conducted, all they could find in the bedroom where the elf’s were shelved, was a box of blank ballots and thirty four pages of social security numbers of deceased individuals.
No elf’s were ever located for interviews.
Brilliant Philip! Never turn your back on an Elf!
Never!
An intercept from Hunters former company abroad stated that gingerbread men, about 48,000, have vowed to work with the little pink-o elves. This is bad.
Real bad.
What’s next?
Snowmen?
btw….I expect a complete blackout from Google any minute regarding these findings.
🙂