Thursday, March 28, AD 2024 9:40pm

PopeWatch: Pope Decrees Chicago Style Pepperoni Pizza Only Pizza

Rome-Reuters-In a move sure to cause turmoil in the Catholic Church Pope Francis has decreed that only Chicago Style pepperoni pizza can be considered to be pizza.  No penalty has been assessed by the Pope if Catholics disagree with this ruling, but sources within the Vatican say that penalties may be coming.  Father James Martin noted that the Pope prefers to use sweet reason initially:  “The stick against the pizza heretics may come later.”

Cardinal Burke was dismayed by this move, and is sampling various types of pizza in preparation for writing a possible response.

America Magazine noted that this food ruling by a pope is not unprecedented.  “In 1513 Pope Leo X excommunicated anyone who drank German beer to excess.  Although some commentators think this helped spark the Reformation, most historians reject this as a canard, although when in a writing frenzy Martin Luther would drink beer and eat or drink nothing else.”

Italians are generally outraged.  Retired film actress Sophia Loren reflected wide spread Italian sentiment:  “How can this Argentine interloper call the Yankee pie Pizza?  All the world knows that only Neapolitan pizza is pizza!”

Blogger Mark Shea has purportedly signed up for a life time supply of Chicago style pepperoni pizza as an act of solidarity with the Pope.

Blogger Popewatch said that on this matter “The Pope is acting as a true Vicar of Christ who loves really good pizza.”

A group calling itself Catholics For New York Style Pizza have proclaimed that dissent from this ruling is not optional.

Cardinal Dolan of New York noted that he has always loved Chicago style pizza and that perhaps New York style pizza could be renamed as edible place mats.

PopeWatch then woke up with a case of heartburn and vowed never again to eat a slice of Papa Del’s deep dish pepperoni pizza before bedtime.

0 0 votes
Article Rating
8 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Stephen E Dalton
Stephen E Dalton
Saturday, September 17, AD 2022 5:55am

When the Pope hits your eye with a big pizza pie, that’s amore?

Pauli
Saturday, September 17, AD 2022 9:53am

So “love is love” but not “pizza is pizza”, eh Fr Martin? What is sweet or reasonable about that!?

🙂

SouthCoast
SouthCoast
Saturday, September 17, AD 2022 11:32am

Irrelevantly, my favorite spoof on the song is “When an eel bites your thigh, and the pain makes you cry, it’s a moray.” Then again, it may actually be allegorically relevant to the current state of things.

Philip Nachazel
Philip Nachazel
Sunday, September 18, AD 2022 5:07am

I hope your all super-happy about this disturbing news. Not me!
I’m leaving the Church.

I found New Hope Church of the Mushroom Pineapple Black Olive

They don’t mind if you like dried tomato with feta cheese or sausage and ham….they are non discriminatory about such matters and I must do the unthinkable.

I must jump ship.

So long, pepperoni lemmings that you are.

Philip Nachazel
Philip Nachazel
Sunday, September 18, AD 2022 5:29am
Don L
Don L
Sunday, September 18, AD 2022 7:14am

It would seem to me that the pope really likes the Chicago style pizza since the NY style is “rigid” and thus, most likely reeks of clericalism.

trackback
Monday, September 19, AD 2022 8:03am

[…] Submerged Voters – Donald R. McClary, J.D. Keep ‘Em Coming – Donald R. McClary, J.D. Pope Decrees Chicago Style Pepperoni Pizza Only Pizza (Satire) – Donald R. McClary, […]

Discover more from The American Catholic

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading

Scroll to Top