News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Standing on the White House lawn with the black and white striped mascot next to him, President Donald Trump made it official: the Hamburglar has been pardoned of his crimes. “It’s long past time a great injustice was corrected,” Trump told the gathered press. “The only thing the Hamburglar is guilty of is loving hamburgers. And occasionally taking them.”
The Hamburglar had been sentenced to nine years for the theft of thousands of hamburgers. He was arrested as part of a “tough on hamburger theft” movement, and many felt the Hamburglar got an overly harsh sentence due to profiling since he wore a black and white prisoners outfit, a mask, and his name is a portmanteau of “hamburger” and “burglar.” There has long since been a movement to see him freed, of which Donald Trump was a member.
“Free the Hamburglar!” Trump used to chant at campaign rallies, “And put Hillary in his place!” (Trump later found out he could not “reverse-pardon” Hillary, though).
The move to pardon the Hamburglar was not supported by everyone. Thousands of Justice Department officials have decried the move, calling for Trump’s resignation. Also, Mayor McCheese wrote a long letter against the pardon, though most of it seemed to be an ad for McDonald’s new Bacon Smokehouse Burger.
“Me and the Hamburglar are kindred spirits,” Trump said at the press conference. “And yeah, just like him, I might occasionally swipe a hamburger if no one is looking. That’s not my fault, though. That’s yours for not keeping an eye on your burger.”
Go here to read the rest.
He is also to be authorized to grant “reprieves and pardons for offenses against the United States, EXCEPT IN CASES OF IMPEACHMENT.” Humanity and good policy conspire to dictate, that the benign prerogative of pardoning should be as little as possible fettered or embarrassed. The criminal code of every country partakes so much of necessary severity, that without an easy access to exceptions in favor of unfortunate guilt, justice would wear a countenance too sanguinary and cruel. As the sense of responsibility is always strongest, in proportion as it is undivided, it may be inferred that a single man would be most ready to attend to the force of those motives which might plead for a mitigation of the rigor of the law, and least apt to yield to considerations which were calculated to shelter a fit object of its vengeance. The reflection that the fate of a fellow-creature depended on his sole fiat, would naturally inspire scrupulousness and caution; the dread of being accused of weakness or connivance, would beget equal circumspection, though of a different kind. On the other hand, as men generally derive confidence from their numbers, they might often encourage each other in an act of obduracy, and might be less sensible to the apprehension of suspicion or censure for an injudicious or affected clemency. On these accounts, one man appears to be a more eligible dispenser of the mercy of government, than a body of men.
Alexander Hamilton, Federalist 74
Update:
I wonder if The Bee has sources within the administration? Trump today has commuted the 14 year sentence of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich and issued pardons to Michael Milken, Bernard Kerick and Eddie De Bartolo, Jr.. In regard to Blagojevich he richly deserved his sentence, but he has served almost eight years, and I really can’t get up in arms about the commutation.
