Satan’s Commencement Address

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There is no neutral ground in the universe; every square inch, every split second, is claimed by God and counter-claimed by Satan.

                                                                CS Lewis

As faithful readers of this blog know, Satan had been invited by Saint Sincerus, the 84th largest Catholic university in the nation, to deliver its commencement address.  Despite protests from the Catholic wing of the Catholic Church, Satan did in fact give the commencement address.   Here is the text:

Thank you. (loud applause) Thank you all very much. Thank you, Fr. Despereaux. Please, folks (continued applause), please be seated. A little restraint every now & then. . . (laughter).

Seriously, this is quite an honor for me. I can’t say an unexpected honor, as this invitation was in the cards for some time now. And this despite all the non-attention I’ve received from many of your Catholic intellectuals; wasn’t it your own Fr. Cheever in Ancient Near Eastern Studies who said in your student paper that I don’t exist? (laughter). He’s not alone in thinking that, though I take it that after we got to know each other a bit better last night he has a different take on things. Talk about an ashen countenance when I discussed my background! Suffice it to say that he knows a bit more about ancient mythology & sacrifice than he did before we spoke. It really is too bad he can’t be here today, as he’s much in my thoughts, as are all the fine academics at this institution. Much of the work you do is directly responsible for my being here today, & I am much pleased by it.

To honor the graduates of St. Sincerus, I will focus my remarks on the creative gifts God has so richly blessed you all with, as well as on your sacred responsibility to nurture those gifts, despite the heavy costs. As you know, you live in a world in which the majority of people seek to restrain, to control, & even to deny the creativity of the few. Isn’t it a sad irony that such a gift, which can help you to make & remake your world, & which is an expression of God’s image within you, so badly frightens the unimaginative?  I believe the patron of this school would be as pleased as I am with your attempts in recent years to use your creativity to produce such a life affirming environment here on campus, & would hope that you continue forward. “Fear not!” I can almost here him saying at this very moment, as he thinks about the work of your administration, faculty, & student organizations to make more people welcome here.

(loud applause from the members of the audience, who rise from their seats; shouts of “SSU! SSU!” break out)

Yes, by all means, celebrate yourselves. Always. . . At any rate, before we all get too carried away (there is a time & place for everything, remember), I wish to address the following in my remarks: the need for creativity & innovation in forming diverse communities, in thinking through your moral lives, & in applying the benefits of scientific discovery to the improvement of life. As you already excel in the first two of these, it’s likely you’ll have some things to tell me; so I’ll reserve my longer remarks for the third.

I think the most visible accomplishment of SSU is your creativity in opening the doors of your community to make a hospitable place for the least of your brothers & sisters. You have indeed taken to heart the words from the gospel, “Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brethren, you did it to me.” Remarkable words, these. . . In fact, to acknowledge your openness to the speaker of these words, I think you might consider renaming your fine institution. How does this sound: “St. Sincerus Multiversity”? (audience cheers) For you all know, as is evident in your student organizations, mission statements, diversity statements, statements of respect, & statements of inclusivity, not to mention your 10K Race for Acceptance & your world-class Center for the Understanding of Love & Tolerance, that there is a bewildering array of opinions, viewpoints, perspectives, doctrines, hopes & fears, & experiences out there. C’est la vie! as the French would say. But you have chosen the path of courage by celebrating the diversity that lesser individuals & communities would feel threatened by. This was apparent to me yesterday as I toured your campus, talked with members of the faculty, ate lunch with students in the student union, & listened with fascination as your very own Fr. Despereaux gave the key-note lecture at the conference that ended last night, “Diverse Worshippers, Diverse Ecclesiologies: An Eco-Vegan Critique of Traditional Eucharistic Theology.” Who knew just how scandalous a simple memorial meal could be? I’ll tell you who knew: you did, & you should take pride at standing up to your bishop’s objections to your hosting such a conference. You must be wary of those who sneer at the mere whiff of innovation, as a true multiversity will embrace innovation & be led by it. And the leaders of this multiversity will always ask, “Did God really say that we will perish if we take the high road of conscience & freedom?” Your bishop, & all those like him in seats of power, fear that by your inclusion of the marginalized you will become the true locus of ecclesial authority. For it is love that binds you together & bears the loudest witness to true gospel values. It is love that is the true measure of holiness & thus authority, & the clearest mark of love is the creative attempt to love those different from yourself. Here you must brook no opposition, for true tolerance will beat down those who stand up against it with the violence of love. The hatred of hate, as Fr. Despereaux suggested to your fine school paper, is essential to the Catholic ethos, & must grow ever-stronger & harsher if you are to prevail.

Go here to Catholic Phoenix to read the Satanic rest.  An honorary degree was conferred upon the Prince of Darkness, and The American Catholic has obtained a copy:

At the 164th Commencement, The May Exercises, The University of Saint Sincerus Confers the degree of Doctor of Laws, honoris causa, on His Infernal Majesty, Satan, whose historic Fall from grace opened a new era in a Universe since divided between God and His critics. A community organizer in Hell who honed his advocacy for the Damned  on the streets of Dis, he now organizes a larger community, bringing to Creation a renewed angelic, albeit Fallen, dedication to diplomacy and dialogue with all souls interested in the common good. Through his willingness to engage with those who disagree with him, especially God, and encourage people of faith to work together to bridge the gap between abstractions such as “Good” and “Evil”, he is inspiring this Universe to heal its divisions of religion, culture, race and politics in the audacious hope for a brighter tomorrow.

On Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub and all the many other names by which Man has known him, of the City of Dis, Hell, this degree is duly conferred this 12th day of May, 2012 CE.

 

13 Responses to Satan’s Commencement Address

  • Sharon says:

    It would be funny if it weren’t so sadly close to reality. Can you provide a link to the inscription on the honorary degree that ND gave to Obama? I searched but couldn’t find it. Thanks!

  • Francodrummer says:

    Obama, nor any living soul is Satan; to say so is incredibly wrong. This lack of love to our neighbors, even our enemies and our President is not very catholic. Rumour and hate-mongering is a sin. I don’t understand your approach.
    You don’t like what he said, break it down, explain how the specifics goes against our faith and provide counter-arguments to each point. General statements of loathing and anger serve no real christian purpose, but simply to display anger and lack of control.
    Are there no points in the speech worhty of possitive discussion and to be ablle to use those positive discussion points as common ground to hold ligitmate and mature debate?
    Don’t you realize what the secular world is all about in the US? Freedom of the pursuit of happiness, to choose and of equality. We as catholics need to accept that, work with it if we are truly to be the conscience of the secular world. But we won’t be as effective with this approach. Instead, we must be inclusive and mature to provide debate with love, not hate in order to be a true part of the discussion.

  • Sharon says:

    No one said that Obama is Satan. The point of the article is, if a Catholic university had the chance to honor Satan himself, would they? I see no “general statements of loathing and anger” in the piece above. The points made in Obama’s speech at ND have been discussed at great length on the Internet. I hope you bother to do some research so you can read those discussions.

  • Thank you Sharon for saving me the effort.

    Here is the text of the honorary degree awarded to Obama:

    “At the 164th Commencement The May Exercises The University of Notre Dame Confers the degree of Doctor of Laws, honoris causa, on the 44th president of the United States, whose historic election opened a new era of hope in a country long divided by its history of slavery and racism. A community organizer who honed his advocacy for the poor, the marginalized and the worker in the streets of Chicago, he now organizes a larger community, bringing to the world stage a renewed American dedication to diplomacy and dialogue with all nations and religions committed to human rights and the global common good. Through his willingness to engage with those who disagree with him and encourage people of faith to bring their beliefs to the public debate, he is inspiring this nation to heal its divisions of religion, culture, race and politics in the audacious hope for a brighter tomorrow.

    On Barack H. Obama, Washington, District of Columbia”

    Time to clean your reading glasses Francodrummer since you missed my intent entirely. My point was that the same weasel words that Catholic colleges use when honoring complete pro-aborts like Obama could just as easily be twisted around to justify honoring anyone, even Satan. If you are truly interested in my thoughts on Notre Dame and Obama, there are quite a few posts by me on that subject on this blog.

    This would be a good one to start with:

    http://the-american-catholic.com/2009/03/20/notre-dame-honors-pro-abort/

  • PM says:

    Francodrummer says:

    Tuesday, May 15, 2012 A.D. at 11:38am

    “Obama, nor any living soul is Satan; to say so is incredibly wrong.”

    I think the above is parody – as an analogy to current events.
    I think Satan is an angel who hates God and functions by entering into mortal souls.

    This idea is something that Catholics, who want to become closer to God by following and obeying Him, think of in examining their consciences. Of many instances written in Scripture,
    one is in John 13: 26 – 27.
    “Jesus answered, ‘It is the one to whom I hand the morsel after I have dipped it.’
    So he dipped the morsel and handed it to Judas, son of Simon the Iscariot.
    After he took the morsel, Satan entered him.

    Catholics are called to have courage in their love for God, and to be able to help others to distinguish between paths of good and evil. An act of love.

  • Agnus Dei says:

    I can’t help but comment on the eerily similar theme and tenor of “Francodrummer’s” post and the satirical satan’s speech in the blog post. Along with your refusal to capitalize Catholic, it’s almost as if you were attempting to prove the author’s point for him. I know the devil has his apologists, but aren’t you taking it a bit far in your advocacy?

  • T. Shaw says:

    Yeah! “CE” You have got to love them!

    The rats have idolized Che for decades. I saw a post where some lovely progressive was wearing a Stalin tee-shirt.

    The Spiritual Works of Mercy:

    Admonish the sinner

    Instruct the ignorant

    Counsel the doubtful

    Comfort the sorrowful

    Bear wrongs patiently

    Forgive all injuries

    Pray for the living and the dead

    Progressives, assorted Obama-worshiping morons, and craven cretins contend that the first three items are “ancient religious hatred” and the rest are superfluous because they have this one world and they must make this one world a better place.

    Only thing is: Whatever they try fails.

  • Bartolome says:

    Whatever your intended literary move was (satire, parody, comedy, irony, etc.), calling a human being “Satan” (as this article did) is just a few steps form the horrible witch burning and heretic burning that was for centuries of staple of our Catholic Church’s activity in the political realm. I wonder if people will keep reading this web site if you keep up this approach. Sadly, I suspect this sort of “humor” will make you even more popular, but revving up the mob has never been the saintly course of action. Blessed John Paul II could never stop talking about respecting the human dignity of all, even our enemies. For the sake of humility, I’ve said and written many such things, and even worse things, and will probably sin in worse than this five times more before this day ends. So, you have no reason to see me as an authority of any sort. But, even a horsefly can make you think.

  • “Whatever your intended literary move was (satire, parody, comedy, irony, etc.), calling a human being “Satan” (as this article did) is just a few steps form the horrible witch burning and heretic burning that was for centuries of staple of our Catholic Church’s activity in the political realm.”

    Your reading comprehension skills are on a par with your “Chick anti-Catholic comic” view of Church history. I did not call Obama Satan (he wouldn’t be competent enough for ever junior tempter status I suspect) but rather pointed out the type of mental contortions by which the powers that be at too many Catholic universities honor politicians who promote policies directly antithetical to the teaching of the Church.

    ” I wonder if people will keep reading this web site if you keep up this approach.”
    We have been going strong since 2008 and each year our readership increases.

    “Sadly, I suspect this sort of “humor” will make you even more popular”

    Nice way to spit on our readers. I am fairly tolerant about jibes aimed at me, but if you wish to comment on this blog I will not tolerate attacks on our readers.

    “So, you have no reason to see me as an authority of any sort. But, even a horsefly can make you think.”

    Yes, about how nice it would be to be rid of the horsefly.

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