Part I. In gratitude for the authorial opportunity granted to me by The American Catholic, I would like to use this forum to host my official “Announcement of Protest.” Let it be forth known that from this point forward, I am protesting. The status quo has become too much of a status, and as for the quo … well, who knew what that ever really meant. Yes, I am protesting, and as such, I am a protester.
Part II. I would now like you to all join me in a round of congratulations. Growing up in small-town Ohio, I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be named Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year.” It is humbling, of course, to be in the company of George W. Bush, Pope John Paul II, and Henry Kissinger. When I receive my plaque from Time, I will be hosting a party, and all of you are invited.
Part II(B). As an added bonus to using an online forum for my official announcement, it turns out I have post facto been named “Person of the Year” for 2006. This secondary plaque will be occasion for a separate, but equally elaborate, celebration, to which all of you are also invited.
Part II(B)(iv). It is unclear at this point whether or not I won the same award post facto for the 1969 prize. While certainly a “Middle American,” I was not yet born. I have sent a request for clarification to the good folks at Time. I will await the official word before scheduling the third celebration.
Part II(B)(iv)(e). My MacBook Pro is under the impression that it should receive the 1982 prize. I tried to tell it that this was just plain silly, but now it is officially protesting me, thereby potentially qualifying it for not one, but two prizes. It has sent a clarification Tweet to Time. In the event that it is correct, the computer can plan its own darn party.