[FYI – What follows is not true]
Share your wife, for eternal life
In a spirit of profound generosity and ecumenism that is receiving praise from around the world, today the Vatican confirmed what appeared to be true from Jorge Bergoglio’s off the cuff remarks to Communist Chinese embassy officials in the papal apartments in Rome about further development of the Bergoglian doctrines on marriage.
Notably, no Republic of China representative was present.
Bergoglio referred to the new “Wives R Us” program. Unnamed sources said the rollout for the new ministry is imminent.
The program is to be one of the hallmarks of the upcoming year of global systemic socialism. It will help relieve China’s woman shortage caused by its one-little-brat policy, now in effect for over two generations, which has, with ultimate irony, produced generations of consummate narcissists in a communist state. Communist China will soon be 40,000,000 women short of the needs for every Communist Chinese male.
Believe Us, Not Your Lying Eyes
The Vatican – according to an unnamed Cardinal source – has categorically denied there is any connection or quid-pro-Jorge between the now-annual $2,500,000,00.00 the Communist Chinese are directly depositing each January 1 into the Vatican bank and this catholic-women-for-China program. Although even the existence of such an agreement was previously denied, now despite all the publicity generated by the Wives R Us program, the Vatican still refuses to make public the text of the “Multi-Billion Dollar” Vatican/ChiCom Prelates-For-Pay contract.
“That money has nothing to do with Wives R Us. We have made and will continue to keep our contractual commitments for these donations so long as Bergolgio and his cadre let us appoint the bishops for Communist China,” said one ChiCom official. She went on to say that there would be other donations, according to a new agreement, for each wife who comes to Communist China. She had no response when queried about the program being limited to already-married catholic women.
Another unnamed Vatican source has said that these are simply the logical and theological implications coming to fruition of relying on the holy Jorge-discerned “signs of the times” as the will of God and the inevitable conclusions that follow from his inspirations.
“Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam”
“Bergoglian marriage,” gushed another effusive unnamed source, “has now progressed from sacramental public adultery, to holy unions of those who freely choose to engage in homosexual intercourse and other homosexual actions, to the Christian sharing of spouses. For those called to the vocation of Christian marriage, it has now been revealed through the holy Jorge that ‘Greater love than this has no man than to lay down his wife for a friend.” The source, an unnamed monsignor, was secretly interviewed outside the Vatican walls.
The Congregation Formerly For The Faith has published a list of indulgences for any husband worldwide, except those in Iceland and Canada, who volunteers his wife for the program – 10 days indulgence for sharing a wife over 40 years old; 12 months, wife over 35; plenary, wife under 25. Each wife offered up for the program will receive both a personal plenary indulgence (transferable to any other person) as well as individual plenary indulgences for each child who will be left behind.
FrauSteuer Tax
Te German Cardinal billionaires balked initially, raising concerns that their church tax revenues would be even more dramatically reduced than the decreases due to the heresies they have promulgated over the past fifteen years. An unnamed Vatican spokesman said the Germans got on board when they were assured that the Vatican would offer a reverse Peter’s Pence payment for each German wife who takes part, and also would promote a new addendum to the German Tax law – the FrauSteuer or “wife tax,” – so that for any Communist Chinese male who avails himself of the generosity and virtue of a German church wife, the Communist Chinese will pay an undisclosed sum into the German treasury, and the cardinals’ tax haul will reflect a commensurate increase. One publicly Marxist German cardinal denied that this is human trafficking or that the saintly fraus will be mere sex slaves.
Many are called, wives are chosen.
Soon the Vatican will release a Novena Of Discernment Prayer Program for husbands so they can see if they are called to this new vocation of “connubial sharer”. The Novena motto is “Many are called, and wives are chosen.” Each participant will be required to sign an affirmation of the Bergoglian principles of Amoris Laetitia prior to liturgical incardination as a new “extraordinary minister of love.” Chosen wives will be required to sign a notarized “Affidavit of Biblical Obedience,” waving all rights to complain or avail themselves of any claims or procedures under Canon Law.
Around the United States, more information will be available through diocesan social justice ministries and canon law annulment tribunals. Another unnamed Vatican source was asked at a press conference about the growing complaints and the recent marches in Rome and in cities and towns worldwide of catholic women bearing signs that said “My Body, My Self,” “No Communists For Christ,” and “Our Rosaries, Our Ovaries.” After the de riguer virtue-validating “Who am I to judge?” comment, the unnamed Vatican spokeswoman in discussing the charges of church-sponsored sex-trade human trafficking, said, that, in terms of the new holy Jorge evangelization, this is more like “love trafficking.”
Husbands R Us ?
Another high-placed Vatican source, who demanded anonymity, would neither confirm nor deny that there is, in secret planning stages, a Husbands R Us program for young women having difficulty finding a man. It is rumored that there is strong support for requiring women to pay for church-supplied Communist Chinese males for a “match made in Heaven and Beijing.”
It is also unconfirmed that already the financial advisors and bankers of the German bishops’ sinod are demanding that a “HerrSteuer” tax be enacted if the Husbands R Us program becomes doctrine and financial policy.
Partners R Us ?
And now rumor after rumor points to a clerical Partners R Us program in which a selfless member of the clergy on a daily, temporary or permanent basis, will be provided to catholics worldwide, including Communist Chinese clergy, unable to find someone for a civil union.
Free Chinese ? We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Free Chinese
Excluded from all these programs are the free Chinese people of the Republic of China (whose capital is Taiwan). Another unnamed Vatican source said, “The Taiwanese simply don’t have the funds, the capital or the resources, and they don’t send anywhere near the amount of cash each year we receive from our Communist Chinese friends. And please, here in the Vatican, do not refer to them as “free,” or to their country as the ‘Republic of China.’ That is contrary to our agreement with the Communists and here in the Vatican it is strictly forbidden.”
People of the [Communist] Book
A cardinal of the Vatican Curia was visibly agitated when confronted with the leaked information that the annual payments of the Chinese Communists will increase dramatically if and when Jorge Bergoglio provides an Imprimatur for the new Communist Chinese translation of the Holy Bible. Rumor has it that 30 euro coins will be deposited in the papal accounts for each copy printed of the Communist Scriptures. A concordance correlating the new inspired word with Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book, bearing Jorge’s ‘Nihil Obstat,’ has also been hinted at in the curial rumor mill.
On another note, the “McCarrick Report,” whose publication has been promised for many months now, will soon be published following expurgation of all mention of Mr. McCarrick’s spearheading of the Prelates-For-Pay deal and elimination of all photos of ChiCom officials.
It would appear that Neville Chamberlain lives on as does his policy of appeasement. It can be safely said that the result this time will much resemble the first time but with orders of magnitude greater suffering.