My apologies from the outset. I am fully aware that is an unabashedly “hook” title.
Hobson’s Choices
The hook title above presents an unreal “Hobson’s choice” for young catholic women, e.g., choices unrealistically limited, such as choosing between:
A rock or a hard place
The frying pan or the fire
Scylla and Charybis
The lesser of two evils
The devil and the deep blue sea
The horse near the door or none at all
Escape the goblins to be eaten by wolves (Thank you, J.R.R. Tolkien)
Here’s the main thrust of the opinions which follow: girls, women, ladies, you are not confronted with a Hobson’s choice, it is not settle OR live/die alone.
As you will see all you’re gonna get here are opinions, hopefully to engender good discussions, so disagree away, everyone has a belly button and all that; but, consider thinking about what is said here, especially if you are on the verge of settling for someone who checks only 14 of your 36 boxes. Why? Many reasons. Top of the list: if you marry Mr. 30% of your boxes, you are going to be with him for some time and, although the grace of the sacrament is powerful, it cannot check the other 70%. Also, especially when the honeymoon is over, you would like to have some happiness, a minimum, some joy every day or at least every other day.
I’ll let someone else write about a young man settling for some didn’t-check-all-the-boxes girl.
Lots of Men Gone
If you’re a young girl past a certain age and not married, “biological clock ticking” and all that, you have to realize that, according to some studies and journal articles and whimsy pieces, in the last decades somewhere between 10 and 20 MILLION men have left the organized Catholic Church – here are those numbers with all their digits: 10,000,000 and 20,000,000. And [let’s have an argument?] sorry, but many of these men had good reasons to leave. Note: “left the Organized Church” does not, in every case = left The Church. The total millions numbers include married and unmarried men, so the unmarried are not the whole number.
Do whatever analysis or criticism of the numbers you want, fact is a plethora (lots and lots and lots) of these gone men are young, unmarried, marriage-eligible, good men. However many there are and whatever general categories describe them, they are GONE and any young lady looking for a husband will not find these guys in the pews, in the parish bubble, the parochial school sphere, or the diocesan galaxy.
Good Ones Left
Some of them are not Gone totally, but, other than Mass on Sunday and the other minimal things one must do to be a catholic in good standing, they have nothing else to do with their parish, have no involvement in any “ministry,” nothing to do with organizations, or with people involved in the organized church, and they do not take part in things done in these arenas. Henceforth herein they are called a GOL, a “good one left.”
Note: not included in the group of GOLs are non-prospects who are Peter Pans; gotta-have-my-man-cave boys; need my weekly nights out with my boys; girly men; effeminate men (i.e. those the inspired word of God tells us will not inherit or have any share in the kingdom); and immature babies.
The men, the ones who did not leave the church, the previously-marriage-eligible marriage-preferable ones – face it – some other young lady is already with them. If they were A-list check-almost-all-boxes, attractive, healthy (in body and soul), masculine manly (in the true, biblical sense of manly), catholic husband material, they are no longer running around single. [Actually you can probably include many young men on the B+ list and many of the B list]. This due to:
- their scarcity;
- individual effort by one of numerous young ladies who was hoping to be and now is a wife; and
- due to family, extended family, and friends who discovered them for a favorite daughter, niece or cousin.
The End?
Is this the end of the story? Do we now have to sing that lovely song from the old show, Hee-Haw, to those ladies who will live and die alone, unloved:
Gloom, despair and agony on me.
Deep dark depression excessive misery.
If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.
Gloom, despair and agony on me.
Of course not!
At least every Sunday you girls, ladies, women say “I believe” – in an all-powerful God. This is the God who loved each of you into existence and, with this divine creative love, maintains you in existence every moment and always will. He will always do what is divinely perfect for you. This includes helping you to seek a spouse who will be, with you, half of that new, unique married “two-one-flesh ‘person’ that is the both of you, a man who can accompany you here so they can get to heaven. And, as you are right now at this moment, as He made you, you are part of His glory, married or not.
So, back to the GOLs, good ones left, who have forsaken the organized church, the ones who still go to Mass, etc. The good news: there are a lot of them. But to repeat, THEY ARE NOT IN THE PARISH BUBBLE, THE PAROCHIAL SCHOOL SPHERE, OR THE DIOCESAN GALAXY.
Where are the GOLs? and One for Me?
You say, OK know-it-all self-proclaimed guru of happily-ever–after:
- Where are they !?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!?
- And how do I know, when a GOL appears, that he’s for me?
My sincerest apologies. I cannot definitively answer your pleas about location of GOLs, but I can say some things about this.
- First: Consider the qualities of a GOL man listed above and where such men are. I know, I know, not really a detailed answer, but see 2. below. [Corollary: no-go places and events are where the non-GOL men are (effeminate, immature, baby boys with boy toys, etc.). The GOLs are not going to associate with the effeminate, immature, etc.].Some ideas where some GOLs may be:
Trade schools, vocational schools, short non-credit hands-on skills courses. For example places where they offer training and classes in: instrumentation, welding, plumbing, computer programming, filtration, electrical technician and electrician, wind energy maintenance, avionics, HVAC, robotics, construction, biomed equipment, etc. You go there and see what events, happenings, open-to-public things are going on; or you actually enroll in one of these courses. Worst case, for the rest of your life you can fix your toilet, speed up your computer, and put air in your tires.
Military: Caveat, If at all possible go in as an officer. There are several options for becoming an officer: ROTC, either while an undergrad or – which is allowed – while in grad school, law school, medical school or in a school in 1. above. Most schools where ROTC is not offered on campus have agreements with ROTC units at nearby schools allowing cross enrollment. Plus: while enrolled in ROTC you get paid monthly.
If you cannot do ROTC, another alternative is Officer Candidate School in the various services. A final option is you go in as a private or equivalent rank, but, before you take the oath of office you get a guarantee IN WRITING of a specific job you will be trained for and then assigned to once you finish training. Whenever possible, attend Mass at a base chapel or a fort church.
Corporate: Jobs in the field, jobs associated with manual work, hands-on training, working with things, real world stuff, as in 1. above. Also consider civilian jobs with the military working with or in support of military personnel. Enticement: there are U.S. military bases and forts in every state, and around the world with many civilians working there. Great user-friendly website: USA Jobs.
Fishing, Hunting, Martial Arts, Shooting, Archery, and on and on. Two avenues here:
- Actually going fishing, hunting, punching, etc.
- All the groups, seminars, classes, activities, etc. associated with learning and improving skills, competencies, and knowledge. Invariably, there are the before and after get togethers and happenings related to many of these activities.
Truth: there is NO specific place where you can go next Saturday evening and meet a dozen GOLs. This is where the “I believe in God the Father almighty” comes in.
How do I know, when a GOL appears, that he’s for me?
One possible sign:
If you consider all the time a happily married two-one-flesh person spends together on this earth, is there anything that stands out about many of them, something they do happily together? Put another way: how do those in a happy marriage spend their time? Can any of this help a young lady find a GOL? Is there something that can be experienced in a pre-marriage encounter, meeting, activity or relationship even remotely like what those happily married do regularly?
No it is NOT what you’re thinking.
OK let’s look at:
- All the time two in a Sacramental Covenanted Marriage (“SCM”) spend together for their entire marriage – until death do them part;
- The different types of activities (good, moral) spent in that time; and
- Which, if any, of these activities can provide a hint or a signpost for those not yet, but seeking to be, in an SCM.
Bear with me. The following exercise is on point. First, let’s delete the physical intimacy time within an SCM from the total time those involved in an SCM spend together. On average, this time, totaled and added up, is, combined, MUCH LESS THAN A FULL DAY EACH YEAR! Got that? Those in an SMC spend almost all their time together NOT INTIMATELY. So back to 3. Above.
Let’s try to discover something that may, morally and non-sinfully, be done and manifest itself in a pre-marriage encounter, meeting, or relationship and then, perhaps, in a moral pre-marriage relationship assist in the finding a GOL who is not simply one of several GOLs, but one with whom you can spend your life. [This something is not KFHB actions (kissy-face-huggy-body) with what you may think is a marriage prospect pre-SCM and the downside and dangers of these are discussed at very end of this article].
Watch happily married couples when they are together, who have been married for some time. Whatever is happening around them, they are good in each other’s company, at peace, happy. There is a joy about them that can be subtle, calm, or exuberant. It is childlike playfulness. It is for them as if there is no passage of time so long as they are experiencing their mutual joy.
Each of them is the catalyst to create and draw joy out of the other, sometimes in what appears to be endless smiles and laughter. And it does not matter where they are, or what they are doing, because this exuberant, alive, other-recognizing, other-directed joy embraces them and its glow lights everyone they are with.
Their joy, and their being joyful together, is infectious. You will see others come to be with them, to be near them, to interact with and talk to them, to enjoy others the way these two joy-filled married people do.
An example. A happily married couple are moving across the country. The husband takes a wrong exit off an interstate in a large city. [kindly wife alerts him to his minor error.] They get lost and end up in a ghetto area. He goes the wrong way down a one-way deadend street. They stop and soon there are folks all around their car. The husband looks at the wife. The wife looks at the husband. They both bust out laughing, and can’t stop. [Undoubtedly there is at least one wife sitting on a porch nearby telling her husband, “Look at that idiot!”]. The wife tries to say, “I told you so!” but cannot finish the words because she is laughing so much. The people around the car start laughing. They help the husband back out of the street and show him the way to get back on the highway. He looks in the rear view mirror and the people are waving. [Yes, based on a true story].
If you sense even the least spark of such joy in a GOL, do not ignore it. Joy in a person speaks volumes about so many things – and tells you that they are happy and that this happiness can be shared. For you seeking a GOL, this is particularly true if that spark begins when he sees you or you speak to him.
The joy you see in a GOL, the joy you experience in his presence, this joy can be a signpost because joy is of God, God is joy, and He wants you to be joy-filled.
“You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand.” (Psalm 16:11)
Conclusion & Confession
Bless me, readers for I have . . . . tried to get your attention, say some things that appear outlandish, and used hyperbole to the max. It would suit me down to the ground if any of this helps you think about these things and contributes in any way to your happiness, now and for the rest of your life
Downside & Dangers of Kissy-Face-Huggy-Body Intimacy Pre-SCM
Any of you seeking a GOL with whom you are now engaged in a KFHB relationship, particularly an intense one: this changes everything in looking for a GOL and in making a sensibled rational decision.
Nota bene, note well: theses change have powerful, often overpowering and overwhelming effects in the sense that each K and each H produces a change in the brain that:
- results in the release of natural chemicals in the brain– i.e. powerful drugs like oxytocin and dopamine, both known as “bonding drugs”– that bring real, intense pleasure to the persons involved in KFHB, the K or the H (and in females production of oxytocin during K and H can be doubled);
- after the brain gets the drugs, it gets a message;
- part of the message is: AGAIN! MORE! (more of those drugs, please, pretty please, and then PLEASE! NOT LATER. RIGHT NOW!); and
- both brains are changed significantly, semi-permanently or permanently.
The KFHB actions, especially repeated, turn into a want/desire for these naturally produced drugs; and circuits, pathways, connections, globs of purposeful neurons, whatever you want to call them, are formed in the brain, all of which = real world, in-your-brain bonds to the person being Ked or Hed, with similar things happening and bonds made in his brain, and this can become a true physical, emotional, chemical addiction – it will become difficult for a young lady thus influenced to make a good decision about the man involved in their KFHB actions.
Put another way, before any KFHB gets intense, there are deal killers, boxes not checked. For example, He bathes once a month. He wants to wait for children indefinitely while you both work full time . He passes gas minimum twice an hour, loud. Seriously, there are much more serious deal killers than these, and for the sake of argument, let’s assume there are five of them.
Once you enter KFHB mode with this man, with its AGAIN! NOW! powerful insistence, none of the unchecked boxes matter, the five serious deal killers evaporate as if they never existed or never happened. There is only one deal and it is the two of you in KFHB mode. The bonds are created and reinforced with each K and each H, and to him each K tells him that you have now decided to ignore all the deal killers, you accept him totally as he is, and he thinks you are telling him:
All those things you do, all that has happened, everything we discussed that is critical to an SCM, all the five potential killers of the til-death relationship between you and me, I am not even aware of them anymore. It’s not that I am fine with them. For me, now they simply don’t exist.
And a lady like this will forsake mother, father, sister, brother, and friends, she will hear nothing they say, and she will forget about most or all of she thought she was seeking in a husband.