Just a Matter of Time

News that I missed courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

ISENGARD — In his latest effort to challenge mainstream narratives by sitting down with controversial world leaders, Tucker Carlson traveled to the tower of Orthanc to interview the enigmatic wizard Saruman about Rohan’s constant warmongering.

While Carlson stated that his journey to Middle-earth to meet with the White Wizard was simply part of his ongoing mission to bring important and thought-provoking discussions to the forefront, Saruman used the platform to decry Rohan as the region’s true antagonist.

“The descendants of Helm Hammerhand are sitting on stolen land,” Saruman claimed in a clip from the interview. “If you look closely enough, you’ll see that they are behind everything that’s wrong with Middle-earth. The Rohirrim constantly stir up wars and intrigues in an attempt to drag their allies into confrontations solely for their benefit and for the purpose of maintaining the illegal occupation of their so-called Riddermark.”

Carlson was intrigued as he listened to the Lord of Isengard’s claims, mesmerized by Saruman’s robe which shone as if woven of many colors, changing hue as he moved.

“That’s a really incredible point and I think our audience back home is shocked that no one in our media is talking about this,” Carlson said. “Please continue.”

“Many Dunlending folk have been forced to live in open-air camps in Dunland when they simply want to live in their ancestral lands in the plains of Nan Curunír,” continued the Istari in a melodious hypnotic voice that seemed perfectly reasonable. “The Riders Of The West-mark have ethnically cleansed the area of any they have deemed ‘Wild Men.’ Even now they agitate for war against this peaceful tower of Isengard.”

Carlson expressed shock that the mainstream media refused to criticize Rohan.

“Wow. Incredible,” replied Tucker. “And no one in the West hears about this from their government or media thanks to the press restrictions in the U.S. How many Americans know that their own government takes all this money from us in the form of taxes and gives it to a foreign government led by King Théoden, the so-called Lord of the Rittermark? What else must they be keeping from us?”

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