News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:
U.S. — Fast-food chain McDonald’s has officially surpassed the Federal Bureau of Investigation in the number of shooters apprehended in 2024.
Despite having thousands of highly trained agents tasked with stopping violent mass shooters, the entirety of the FBI was bested by a single part-time McDonald’s cashier.
“Not again,” sighed Director Wray, handing over his resignation. “I don’t know how McDonald’s does it. How did they beat us at arresting shooters, all while making perfectly crispy fries, a solid breakfast, and surprisingly good coffee? We just can’t compete with the golden arches.”
In light of this development, Congress has announced all FBI agents will be required to do an apprenticeship at McDonald’s to hone their craft. “If you can’t beat them, join them,” said Congressmen Rand Paul, explaining the new measure. “Every agent will spend time working the drive-through and cashier lines as we work to bring the FBI up to McDonald’s level. They will learn how to catch bad guys and cook delicious nuggets. It’s a no-brainer.”
Go here to read the rest. Hey, this is a matter of priorities Bee. It takes a lot of manpower for the Feds to deal with really serious crime: pro-lifers protesting at abortion clinics, dangerous orthodox Catholics who attend the Traditional Mass, parents who speak their minds at school board meetings, grannies inside the Capitol for thirty seconds on J6, etc. There are only so many hours in the day Bee!
Attached is the secret of McDonald’s success.
BTW, it’s ironic that a rich kid like Luigi Mangione murdered a rich executive like Brian Thompson (UHC CEO) because Thompson is an evil capitalist, yet Mangione came from a family which got rich from capitalism.
It’s funny how the media have detailed every aspect of Luigi Mangione family members lives, yet Thomas Matthew Crooks is still a mystery and nobody knows anything about his family or motives…
Exactly right, Ezabelle. Exactly right.
There it is again…Babylon Bee being reality, not parody..
a rich executive like Brian Thompson (UHC CEO) because
==
Please note the late Mr. Thompson was a wage-earner’s son who grew up in a rural township north of Ames, Iowa. If you look at photos of him, you notice that one thing his mother and father did not have the spare cash for was orthodonture. His tertiary schooling was had at a state institution a two hour drive to the east of where he grew up and his residence was in a suburban tract a four hour drive to the north of where he grew up. He was married just once, to a woman he met when he was about twenty. He’d worked for the same company for about twenty years. He was shlepping about New York without a security detail and without an entourage.