News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With many puzzling questions still remaining unanswered in the wake of the attempted assassination of former President Donald Trump at a Pennsylvania campaign rally last week, the United States Secret Service announced that it was working tirelessly to investigate anyone who criticized its incompetence.
Washington lawmakers, media pundits, and the general public alike all raised red flags over inconsistencies and apparent failures of the Secret Service in the close call Trump experienced, leading the government agency to release an official statement that it was doing everything within its power to track down anyone who would dare to question the impeccable record of the Secret Service.
“We will not rest until we find everyone who is trying to make us look bad,” said Secret Service spokesperson Valerie Porter. “What happened last weekend at President Trump’s rally shook everyone up. In order to restore the public’s faith in the Secret Service, we promise to discover the identities of anyone criticizing us and bring them to justice.”
“Whistleblower allegations suggest the majority of DHS officials were not in fact USSS agents but instead drawn from the department’s Homeland Security Investigations (HSI),” Hawley wrote. “This is especially concerning given that HSI agents were unfamiliar with standard protocols typically used at these types of events, according to the allegations.”

Maybe not Hulk Hogan, but Dan Bongino would certainly give Trump’s security a shot in the arm.