My brother and I were hand reared by my sainted mother, in that she frequently slapped us for our misdemeanors. I can’t recall being spanked but doubtless that occurred when we were young. The slaps never hurt, but they got our attention and caused us to stop what raised our Mom’s ire.
Mom was pure Irish with fire red hair. She loved us with all that was within her. That love caused her to hug us and slap us frequently. Dad was the supreme authority in the house. He rarely had to raise his voice to get our attention and obedience, which sometimes bemused Mom, but since he was the love of her life she accepted our different attitudes towards them with a shrug. It was a loving family and sometime my brother and I and our Mom expressed our love with a trilogy of simultaneous monologues, all of us having a gift for gab. I think that bemused and amused our quiet Dad.
In 1966 my maternal grandmother from Newfoundland, Alice Moore, along with our step grandfather Dyke Moore, visited us in Paris, Illinois. We loved Alice and Dyke, our earliest memories being of our parents and us living in their house in Saint John’s. Alice was a formidable woman, just like her daughter, also having fire red hair. During their visit Alice called my Mom a savage when she witnessed her slap me, no doubt a slap I had richly earned. My Mom was quick witted and quick tongued, she would have made a formidable trial attorney. She responded instantly that if she did not discipline me now, I would grow up to be the savage, respecting no one or nothing.
The moment passed quickly with my Mom and Alice resuming their normal conversation. However the event has stayed in my memory because what my Mom said had the ring of total and enduring truth about it, and when I have been tempted to treat people badly, and with my temper that temptation is always there, the words of my Mom has, and have, spared me from a savage’s actions and reaping a savage’s punishment. I would give a lot to receive just one more slap from the maternal hand, but Mom’s work is done and her task accomplished, lo these forty-one years.
Dr. Spock’s book told parents to never physically punish their children.
After thirty years, Dr. Spock changed his mind.
Your Mum sounded like a great lady. You were blessed. Kids need strong mums and dads. They grow up to be very secure in themselves and their beliefs.
This makes me think of that NYT article from a couple years back. It said that according to research, fewer parents than ever now spank their kids. At the same time, problems like violent crimes, homicide and suicide are at all time highs with youth and children. But the experts interviewed insisted this should not take away from the reality that spanking leads to violence. That still makes me laugh.
Dr. Spock’s book told parents to never physically punish their children.
After thirty years, Dr. Spock changed his mind.
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My mother was given a copy of his book in 1953, coincident with her first pregnancy. IIRC, his dictum was to ‘never hit your children in anger‘. She said she found it hard to take the book seriously as she could not imagine hitting her any of children unless she was angry with them.
At the same time, problems like violent crimes, homicide and suicide are at all time highs with youth and children.
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I don’t believe that’s the case.
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People have fewer children than they did in 1960, so there’s less resistance to time-consuming disciplinary methods. Fathers also have less authority in households, which has also influenced the balance of approaches to disciplining youth. There is also more anxiety about officious third parties like school teachers, social workers, and mental health tradesmen.
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Parents are always battling peer cultures, which are regulated by the lowest-common-denominator among parents generally.
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One difficulty you get is parents who are inconsistent or mood-driven, and this generates issues whether corporal punishment is used or not.
Art, I can’t speak to overall stats, but from the new phenomenon of school shootings to the spikes in suicide among younger and younger ages, I feel it’s not too far from the case. Also, some years ago I recall a discussion of the overall rise in youth crime in the last century in general. I don’t think the point was that suddenly crime spiked, as much as admitting it has been increasing, while at the same time, at least according to the story, fewer parents are resorting to what is called corporal punishment.
This brings all kinds of memories up. My father used to rap me on the head with his knuckles. It hurt, but by then my skull was hard enough to take it. And it certainly did get my attention to make sure I stop doing whatever I was doing. My immigrant Italian grandfather saw him do that once, and rapped him on the head with the knuckles asking him how he liked it. My mother said my Dad’s eyes crossed when he did it. My grandfather was a strong man. My father as a young man used to get angry and typically the knuckles came out during that anger. Later in life when he was taking care of my children, when one of them would throw a fit, he just didn’t give them any option. He said the best way to deal with this is peaceful adamance and he rarely showed anger. Parents can learn too.
The other memory this brought up was when my niece, who’s grown up to be quite a mess, criticized her grandmother, with the statement “I don’t like you. You beat my mother.” I could just hear my sister in that statement one generation down. My mother without missing a beat said “Evidently not enough.”
Most parents do the best they can. I wasn’t a perfect parent nor were mine. Still, all you can hope is that God helps you raise kids who basic instincts are always kind and are successful enough to take care of themselves.
Han alleges it is abuse, based on law, based on… what? A God she would not acknowledge or mere consensus of people.
Further, she has highlighted the problem without knowing it. Authority.
I have authority to raise my child. (Though perhaps this too is debatable to Han.) I do not have the authority to correct the man on the street, at least not as a private citizen.
The question of legitimate authority is generally unaddressed and unexamined in modern America. It seems to either manifest as unquestioning obedience to illegitimate authority and bad commands or the replacement of properly considered obedience with the practice of “not getting caught.”
My Dad could be quick with the stick. As a veteran teacher, I don’t want corporal punishment back in the schools: let it be a parental prerogative only. I also add two comments from St. Alphonsus Liguori on the issue. He had no problem with the rod, but admonished men to wield it “like a loving father and not a sergeant of the galleys”. He also counseled against corporal punishment “after your son has begun to grow” (adolescence), arguing that it could make older boys sneaky, resentful and cowardly.
As a veteran teacher, I don’t want corporal punishment back in the schools: let it be a parental prerogative only.
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One teacher of my acquaintance told me ca. 2001 that one thing that had changed radically in New York since he’d taught his first class (in 1974) was the escalating restrictions on physically moving a youth around contrary to his will. They’d insisted on this even as the dispositions of the young grew more contumacious every year.
I can say a lot about this. In this day and age, a parent must tread carefully in disciplining children, lest a busybody make an anonymous report for child abuse.
I have twice been accused of child abuse. Both accusations were determined to be unfounded. Last year my youngest son had a bruise from roughhousing with my older son, he of the causes of many of my troubles. Younger son was interviewed ad it was determined that the actions did not rise to the level of abuse. I was accused of failure to prevent abuse in this case.
The second time was this spring. Older son had a meltdown, started crying then screaming and he called the South Fayette Township Police. Nothing came of their visit but the next day two CYS representatives were at the house when i cam home from work. They asked to talk to me but I said not without an attorney. Older son recorded a very heated argument from 2024 in which he claimed I was abusing him. He reported this recording. Again, the accusation was unfounded.
I spanked my older son rarely and not for many years. I have never spanked my younger son and have rarely raised my voice to him.
My parents went overboard.
When I was 13, my dad was angry with me for not going out for the seventh grade basketball team. He would not accept my explanation that I never was able to find out when the tryouts and practices started. He yelled at me for 30-45 minutes and repeatedly slapped me, including a slap on my upper right arm, where a bone spur had been removed a few months before. When i was 14, I was playing around with my 10 year old brother one fall day after school. I tripped and fell on him…on the asphalt driveway. He had a small cut on his forehead above his eyebrow. However there are a lot of blood vessels there and he bled quite a bit. My mom saw him and had a terrified look…strange for an emergency room registered nurse, but it was her son. My dad grabbed me, threw me to the floor, took off his belt and started beating me. My mother had to pull him off of me. My dad was mad at me for years for not playing high school football. Truth is, he believed yelling at me would make me less of in introvert and he only made it worse.
I’m not the only one he whipped. The brother I fell on…..well, the previous year, he got his hands on some Christmas spray…the stuff you spray on windows to make it look like there was a frost on them (I have not seen this stuff sold in years). He sprayed some and it got in the eyes of younger brother number two. He got his eyes washed out and was okay, but my dad lit into him with the belt. He was shaking with fear at the supper table. My dad looked at him and said, “I’m not done with you.” After supper he went into my brother’s room and whipped him again for more than half an hour. I was scared and sad for my brother. Once was more than enough.
My mother is a retired emergency room nurse. Standing on a concrete floor, smoking and poor eating have led her to have two heart attacks and two knee replacements. She would lose her temper with all of us whether we deserved it or not. Yes, there were many times all four of us deserved it. Mom whipped the daylights out of me once for trying to bring the dog home…this dog had a habit of running off. She was mad at the dog but took it out on me.
When I was 10 in 1974 I would change the diaper of my then baby brother in the mornings during summer vacation. Once I did not clean off the washcloth I used to clean his rear end. I was told not to leave the soiled washcloth but to clean it off. There were not baby wipes then, not like today. Well, I forgot one time. My mother took the soiled washcloth and rubbed my face with it.
It is not easy to be a parent and it is harder now than it used to be. Kids usually push their parents to see what they can get away with. I knew long before high school I could not get away with anything. I have talked at length here about my problems with my older son. In some ways, I have overcompensated for the crap my dad put me through. I was also scared of a child abuse accusation as I have no faith or trust in any institution these days.
I don’t have the answers. Sometimes spanking works and sometimes it doesn’t.
I do know that I just could not be like my parents were with me.
[…] Analysis, Punditry, and News:Lady Justice: To Spank Or Not To Spank Our Children – Don McClarey at The American […]
Big nope. I have a temper and found that spanking easily led to me taking out the anger on my child. It also led to the child closing down and not actually learning to deal with getting themselves under control.
Still, as a parent of 8 children I do need to be on top of discipline and have techniques in place to help.
[…] The Second Coming of the ‘Camp of the Saints’ – Rod Dreher at The European Conservative10. Lady Justice: To Spank Or Not To Spank Our Children – D. McClarey at The American […]
Completely OT, but the siding on the house in your picture reminds me of so many homes, including our’s, in my South Chicago neighborhood growing up. I don’t see many homes like that any more. Thanks for the blast from the past. God bless.