News that PopeWatch missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:
VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis issued a papal bull Thursday authorizing the production of a new HM-18X Assault Rosary. The pope detailed key features of the innovative new rosary in his edict, including rapid-fire decades, an extended crucifix clip, and a laser sight for as yet undisclosed reasons.
“For centuries the holy rosary has been our greatest and most stylish tool to fight evil,” said Pope Francis during morning mass in St. Peter’s Basilica. “But the time has come for more aggressive spiritual warfare to fight evil climate change and protect marginalized communities.”
“Oh, and serve God,” he quickly added.
Parishioners in attendance were gifted a free prototype of the HM-18X Assault Rosary. Sources indicate many were able to use an advanced telescopic sight to aim thoughts and prayers at friends and family up to 400 yards away.
Swiss Guards deployed in Vatican City have advised Catholics not to aim the new rosary at anyone they do not wish to bless.
Pope Francis closed his homily this morning by adding, “The modern world keeps us busy but now we can quickly blow through the mysteries of the rosary in about 30 seconds. Perfect for the Catholic on the go!”
A pew research study indicates conservative Catholics have latched onto the new rosary, impressed by how many prayers they can shoot off in five minutes. Liberal Catholics are dismayed at what they see as “too much prayer” and are currently advocating for common sense rosary reform.
Go here to read the rest. Deus Vult!
I’m shocked the Bee would run such fake news. Actually, the pope released a statement through his new press secretary Mark P Shea that since right wing gun cultists have weaponized the Rosary he now regards, with great sadness, that Rosary makers part of the weapons manufacturing industry that he finds so loathsome.
I suspect this fails as humor simply because, like the Traditional Latin Mass, the rosary is mostly prayed (not recited, EWTN) by those “rigid” traditional Catholics and thus, this progressive Pope and the rosary don’t make much of a connection in their minds.
“Papal Bull,” ? “bull” yes, “papal, Not. In truth, we need to get ready for heretic Jorge’s minions to have him read an ecclesial apologia for all crimes done by faithful Catholics with a rosary in hand. You can buy 100 plastic glue in the dark rosaries for $29 on the Internet. I am going to start giving them away to strangers. Without telling them about the “glow” function! Imagine an Atlantic magazine staffer wakes up in the middle of the nite! Guy, Texas
Not glue! Glow!
I can’t believe this thing was written without the phrase “cold dead fingers” in it. These BB prots need to go to more Catholic wakes.
Hey Guy, you’re much too late with that glue/glow correction. For the rest of my living days , whenever I say the rosary, I will think of it as being glued to my wrinkled fingers, which fits right in with Pauli’s comment about prying it loose from my cold dead fingers.
Less time issuing Papal Bulls and more time praying it would be a start. Or does he need a Synod on that?