The Vatican announced today that the people in the pews would no longer be burdened with support of the Church. The government of China has graciously agreed to provide all financial support of the Church. Details of the agreement will follow in due course. Fortunately, PopeWatch has a source in the Vatican code named Sister Deep Purity, and she has provided a translated copy of the terms:
- All real estate, and all other assets owned by the Catholic Church, will be transferred to the newly formed corporation Christ, Inc.
- China will own 75% of the non-publicly traded corporation, with the remaining 25% percent divided up among unnamed investors.
- The government of China will provided lists of candidates for every future appointment of bishops and cardinals, with the final selection to be made by the Pope.
- All future Catholic Bibles, and catechisms, will be printed in China.
- Mandarin will be made an official language of the Church.
- All future conclaves will be held in Bejing.
- One hundred new Chinese cardinals will be appointed by the Pope.
- The flag of China will now be present in the sanctuary of every Catholic Church.
- The parishioner rolls of all Catholic parishes will be subject to purging by a joint committee established by the Vatican and China in each diocese.
- Pope Francis will change his name to Pope Confucius I.
Then PopeWatch woke up at his computer, pledging never again to eat Chinese food, while binge watching The Shoes of the Fisherman and The Manchurian Candidate.
I’d award this article four and a half golden egg rolls.
Well done. So true in spirit.
Excellent. Don, you really could make a living at this sort of thing if you ever tire of law mining and still need work. ????
The concept of sin will be replaced by “deductions to social credit.”
(In some ways this has already happened.)
Please, don’t write such satire! It could come true!