Efficient

TEHRAN — Following the death of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and a significant portion of the nation’s leadership, the Assembly of Experts, charged with choosing the next Ayatollah, have opted to appoint a new supreme leader who is already dead.

“He’s just going to end up dead anyway,” said noted Assembly of Experts member Aziz Mahabad shortly before he was taken out by a tomahawk missile. “So in a way, our new supreme leader is invulnerable. America can do nothing to him.”

Iran’s new leader, Ayatollah Fulān, is reportedly the corpse of an unidentified male who they believe possesses a keen masculine energy. “We don’t know who Fulān was before, but he’s really doing a dynamite job so far, no pun intended,” said interim President Masoud Pezeshkian shortly before he was blown apart by a stealth bomber. “He hasn’t ordered anyone to be tortured or beheaded at all. He might be our greatest supreme leader ever!”

According to American sources, Secretary of State Marco Rubio has already met with Supreme Leader Fulān on two separate occasions. “He has a great silent wit,” Rubio said. “I think negotiations are going well and we may soon see an end to this conflict.”

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