Didn’t You Always Suspect This?

Thursday, April 17, AD 2014


Bad News

From the only reliable source of news on the net, The Onion:


WASHINGTON—Putting the nation on alert against what it has described as a “highly credible terrorist threat,” the FBI announced today that it has uncovered a plot by members of al-Qaeda to sit back and enjoy themselves while the United States collapses of its own accord.

Multiple intelligence agencies confirmed that the militant Islamist organization and its numerous affiliates intend to carry out a massive, coordinated plan to stand aside and watch America’s increasingly rapid decline, with terrorist operatives across the globe reportedly mobilizing to take it easy, relax, and savor the spectacle as it unfolds.

“We have intercepted electronic communication indicating that al-Qaeda members are actively plotting to stay out of the way while America as we know it gradually crumbles under the weight of its own self-inflicted debt and disrepair,” FBI Deputy Director Mark F. Giuliano told the assembled press corps. “If this plan succeeds, it will leave behind a nation with a completely dysfunctional economy, collapsing infrastructure, and a catastrophic health crisis afflicting millions across the nation. We want to emphasize that this danger is very real.”

“And unfortunately, based on information we have from intelligence assets on the ground, this plot is already well under way,” he added.

A recently declassified CIA report confirmed that all known al-Qaeda-affiliated organizations—from Pakistan to Yemen, and from Somalia to Algeria—have been instructed to kick back and enjoy the show as the United States’ federal government, energy grid, and industrial sector are rendered impotent by internal dissent, decay, and mismanagement. According to statements made by top-level informants and corroborated by leading Western terrorism experts, if seen through to its conclusion, al-Qaeda’s current plot could wreak far more damage than the events of 9/11.

In the past year, money transfers to al-Qaeda cells around the world have reportedly been accompanied by instructions to use the funds to outfit safe houses with the proper equipment to receive American cable news broadcasts and view top U.S. news websites, allowing terrorists to fully relish each detail of the impending demise of the last global superpower

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4 Responses to Didn’t You Always Suspect This?

My Type of Brainwashed Morons

Friday, January 3, AD 2014

8 Responses to My Type of Brainwashed Morons

  • My type as well!

  • Definitely the bottom of the bell-curve. Science has debunked the whole “love your neighbor” myth. “Charity” is simply a complex primate grooming ritual. Even babies share their Cheerios, and so it’s not something that demonstrates superiority like getting a PhD in Gender Studies.

  • “Science has debunked the whole “love your neighbor” myth. “Charity” is simply a complex primate grooming ritual. Even babies share their Cheerios, and so it’s not something that demonstrates superiority like getting a PhD in Gender Studies.”
    The practice of the virtue of charity and of loving one’s neighbor is following one’s vocation. Getting a PhD in Gender studies, may not be following one’s vocation. It is all about saving one’s rational, immortal soul.

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  • I agree, Donald, they are my ” type of brainwashed morons” as well! The story however forced me to take a closer look. It was so blatant in its disdain for the Christians that I thought it to be another spoof etc. But it is not!

    The forces of the dictatorship of relativism now Arne. Showing their teeth. Christians are not being criticized or even demonized for their failures ( sins), or for what they believe( considered a real threat to the established elite) but now they are criticized/reviled for the real good that they-we do!

    Hold on folks, things are going to get even rougher.

  • It is a spoof Botolph, as that is the stock in trade of The Onion. The target are the atheists, at least those who despise Christianity, who probably make up a not inconsiderable fraction of the readership of The Onion.

  • It’s definitely a spoof. It’s too over the top. @Mary, my response was tongue in cheek.

  • The best satire always racks up a 50-50 “get it” ratio . . .

11 Responses to Plan Like a Chipmunk!

Facebook and the Ending of the Concept of Personal Privacy

Wednesday, May 2, AD 2012

From the only reliable source of news on the net, the Onion.  A few years ago I began noticing a new category of evidence emerging:  Facebook evidence.  People involved in child custody disputes were using the Facebook pages of their adversaries to point out misbehaviors such as drunkness, constant use of profanity, threats to kill, etc.  From my perch of 30 years at the bar, I view this development with bemusement.  When I was young,  people were no more virtuous than they are now, but they usually had more sense than to blast out to the world that they were drunks, hedonists, verbally challenged except when using the F-Bomb, or to have photos of themselves published to the world in, and how truly Victorian the phrase seems now, compromising positions.  Most people understood that their personal lives were personal, and not to be broadcast to the planet at large.  Now, it seems as if exhibitionism is the order of the day, and Facebook and other social media exist to trumpet every portion of one’s life, especially the tawdry aspects.  Time for me to enlist two shades from the next world to provide commentary.  First, the famous phrase that Cicero used in his second oration against Verres:  O Tempora, O Mores!  Second, the late Ray Walston:

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19 Responses to Facebook and the Ending of the Concept of Personal Privacy

  • There’s actually a speculative fiction interactive novel set in 2027 in which things have developed to the point where high school kids consider personal privacy to be an utterly alien concept. Could turn out to be pretty prescient.

  • Donald,

    This is something about which I regularly counsel clients in my domestic work. First, keep a log of anything your (crazy) ex / baby daddy / biomom / etc. says on his / her Facebook page – it’s a treasure trove of information. Second, post NOTHING about your doings on yours – nothing at all.


  • As do I Jonathan. It is absolutely flabbergasting to me that people involved in litigation will still post items on their Facebook page that casts them in a very bad light. It is truly astonishing how many people do not have the sense that God gave a goose.

  • Donald,

    There is also an unfortunate trap here which many attorneys will run into sooner or later, I suspect. I have seen opposing parties (probably without knowledge or warning from their lawyer) delete things from their Facebook page. Then they are guilty of deliberate destruction of electronic records, and potentially face sanctions and all manner of problematic occurrences in court.


  • Perhaps Jonathan, although most of the judges I practice in front of tend to be rather cyncial about what I call “dead cat” negative evidence against the opposing party. One judge who has since retired noted from the bench on more than one occasion that when he is hearing negative evidence about an opposing party in a child custody case what was normally going through his mind, in reference to the party offering the evidence was; “And you picked him (or her) to have a child with, and what does that say about your judgment?” If negative evidence is serious enough it can be a case winner, but many of my clients wish to drag out negative evidence that either a judge would rule to be irrelevant, or they are guilty of similar conduct they attack in the other party.

  • When I was young, people were no more virtuous than they are now

    When I was young there was:

    1. A good deal more street crime and drug use (predominantly transgressions of the young)

    2. A much greater regard for forms among the adult population.

    (I think my parents contemporaries were a good deal more virtuous than mine. Their vices were an excess of deference to authority and tolerance for humbug).

  • “From my perch of 30 years at the bar…” Can we fairly assume, Don, that this is not a reference to favorite tavern.

  • I am that rarest of creatures Joe, an American of mostly Irish descent who is also a tee-totaler. I have never drunk an alcoholic beverage in my life. Which means I lack a built an excuse for any crazy or bizarre behavior I have ever engaged in! 🙂

  • Don, thank you for clarifying. If we were ever to meet at the bar, I’d buy you a Shirley Temple. And, of course, we would never want to mention it on Facebook. : )

  • Donald,

    I agree about the dead cat negative. However, judges are (slightly) more willing to impose sanctions for deleting / destroying evidence.

  • “I’d buy you a Shirley Temple.”

    Not on your life! My beverage would be Royal Crown Cola! A glass of RC, a mustard sandwich, barbecue potato chips and a good book: Elysian paradise!

  • “However, judges are (slightly) more willing to impose sanctions for deleting / destroying evidence.”

    True Jonathan, especially after a protective order requiring the maintenance of evidence has been entered.

  • As an educator, I am very glad that I opted to delete my facebook page in its entirety before being hired. I did not miss spending any time on it after 2 days. Some of my peers still have theirs and waste hours scrolling through every one of their friends’ feeds.

  • Royal Crown Cola! I haven’t seen one of those since I moved to Texas. They used to be #3, after Coke and Pepsi.

    I wonder whatever happened to them?

  • When I was young: the emphasis was on computer security. You always used handles rather than your real name, and you never gave out personal information. Old habits die hard.

  • My beverage would be Royal Crown Cola…..

    I’ll second that, with a small measure of rum included. 🙂

  • Don

    On the positve side, that small mionorty that does not leave a trail all over the net, may be he ones with the good judgement to hold political office.

  • A thought

    If personal privacy becomes passe, does that mean the “privacy right” underlying
    Roe V Wade is rendered inoppeative by events.

  • The right to privacy Hank appears to be more and more of a mere legal abstraction. The right to be left alone has been replaced with the right to scream: “Notice me!!! Notice me!!!”

4 Responses to In Honor of National Zombie Day: October 8, 2011

  • Well, I don’t find any of the current GOP contenders very compelling so I’d be glad to vote for Reagan.

    BUT isn’t he ineligible under the 22nd Amendment? I suppose a lawyer (which I am not) might claim that the zombie is a different person (entity?) than the original RR to get around that. In which case how old is he/it? Surely not thirty-five?

  • “No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice, and no person who has held the office of President, or acted as President, for more than two years of a term to which some other person was elected President shall be elected to the office of the President more than once.”

    I would argue Thomas, with a very straight face since we lawyers are good at that sort of thing, that the amendment was not applicable since Zombie Reagan was not a person. Then if his political adversaries succeeded in proving before the Supreme Court that Zombie Reagan was a person, I would use the precedent in a full frontal assault on Roe!

  • The resurrected Reagan sounds so much more articulate than the others.

  • “National Zombie Day” was first celebrated on election day 1976 and it was resurrected election day 2008.

    Now, I remember why I sleep with a khukri under my pillow, and my wife between me and the door.

9/11 Conspiracy Theories Debunked

Saturday, September 10, AD 2011

Tomorrow is the tenth anniversary of 9/11.   To head off any “Truthers”, a truly despicable and delusional movement that contends that 9/11 was an “inside job” perpetrated by nefarious, and apparently omnipotent forces in our government, who could arrange for terrorists to hijack four airliners and launch their attacks at the same time that the real dirty work was carried out by government agents, and keep this conspiracy hidden from view for a decade, except from the paladins of the “Truther” Movement who are able see beyond mere facts and evidence to the evil conspiracies within, I would suggest viewing of a series of videos on You Tube that patiently debunk 9/11 conspiracy theories one at a time.  The above video is one of them.  Go here to watch others in the series.

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12 Responses to 9/11 Conspiracy Theories Debunked

  • Although I’m sure “anti-theist” (his description) Christopher Hitchens would not be terribly popular on TAC, he earlier this week wrote an eloquent piece about 9/11, his conclusion excerpted as follows:

    “The mass murder in Bosnia-Herzegovina was not the random product of “ancient hatreds” but a deliberate plan to erase the Muslim population. The regimes of Saddam Hussein and Kim Jong Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad fully deserve to be called “evil.” And, 10 years ago in Manhattan and Washington and Shanksville, Pa., there was a direct confrontation with the totalitarian idea, expressed in its most vicious and unvarnished form. Let this and other struggles temper and strengthen us for future battles where it will be necessary to repudiate the big lie.”

    To read the entire article, click here:


  • Despicable and delusional are spot on right. Wicked and nutso work.

  • One would have thought that any illusion of a grand well orchestrated conspiracy of this type would have been shattered by the “grand well orchestrated” response to Hurricane Katrina four years later. They can’t talk their way out of a run on sentence and we are to believe they pulled off **what?** Riiigghhht…..

    Consiracy theory-itis is a full blown addiction. The addict craves his hit of fantasy and Gnostic I-told-you-sos.

    A Gnostic addiction. Wow that’s scary.

    “Hello. My name is Bill, and I am a conspiracy theorist”

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  • Some are just deeply, sadly messed up.

    I can see the appeal of conspiracy theories– it must be comforting to know that Someone Has A Plan, even if it’s evil. Just think of all the horrible things people do– wouldn’t it be comforting to be able to believe that it’s not so much that People Suck as The Conspiracy Is Behind It? One big evil, instead of a bunch of small ones… they’re all competent and even super-competent, and if the bad guys are like that, so to are the good guys.

  • JohnnyZoom-
    THEY wanted things to go badly. All that destruction, and the precedents set for things like disarming people after a disaster? (Note: I happen to think that bad precedents were set, and that shoddy construction was largely at fault, but I favor Hanlon’s Razor over a grand conspiracy. Especially when there’s money to be made without immediate downside, like shoddy construction or covering up a mistake, or when an action is in keeping with someone’s worldview, such as Guns Are Evil, They Must Be Removed.)

  • Indeed, FOxfier, you are very smart. The cosmpiracy fits their worldview. Someone is holding us back, they say. We should experience utopia. But Republicans or some bad people keep getting in the way–they won’t let us fix things. They keep screwing things up instead. That’s why life is still hell for us in Ameirca, and throughout the world. The world needs us to get out of the way. We need to listen better to them because they’re more in tune with reality. Especially France. Yes, that’s the worldview that says Americans planned 9/11.

  • But think!!

    If evil people have the ability to mastermind a plot like nin eleven


    God people should be able to mastermind a National Health System that provides improved medical care at lower prices.

    One is more socially respectable than the other.

    Hank’s Eclectic Meanderings

  • My question about the vile idiots: In a Venn diagram of “truthers” and Obama-voting imbeciles, does the “truther” circle (90% inside the imbecile circle) comprised 99% or 100% the whole?


    Would Obamacare be less respectable if the penalty for declining to buy health insurance were being jailed or water-boarded?

  • T Shaw

    I make no pretense of understanig social norms, I somtimes note them.

  • I need to travel from NYC to DC later today. I would fly, except from LaGuardia . . . I think I’ll drive. I flew back into NYC on 11 Sep the second or third year after . . . That plane flew past the two light beams.

    It’s 10 years since that day. I typed the following early 14 Sep 2001.

    I need to confess that this thing has me nearly unmanned. Late last night,
    the TV news had a segment wherein the wives and children made emotional
    appeals for info on their husbands and fathers who are missing. I lost it,
    then. I have tears in my eyes as I “hunt and peck” this. That is not me.

    Have been praying ever since the attack. Tried to
    give blood yesterday. They said come back, had too many donors to handle.
    We need to come together and work to keep the economy going and spark the
    recovery. This is no time for “gloom and doom.” There is a lot of work
    needing to be done, and we have to pull together and get at it.

    I went to work, as usual on Tuesday, 9/11. Took the LIRR to Penn Sta. Rode
    the #2 IRT Train to Wall and William, arriving there 9:10AM. They wouldn’t
    let us out by the usual exit, Wall/William. Went out the next one back. A
    construction worker came into the subway, and said, turn around and go home.
    I should have listened.

    When I hit the street, there was already paper, debris and smoke everywhere –
    even though we were about ¼ mile away from the WTC. I went into my office in
    20 Exchange Place and heard about the first airliner strike. Shortly
    after we heard the second. Most had CNN on-line live TV on in the offices.
    An hour or so later, it became as dark as night as the smoke and debris from
    the collapses surrounded us. Heard a rumble and saw a flash.

    About Noon, they told us the FDNY (God bless those magnificent heroes and
    have mercy on those gallant men who gave their lives: greater love hath no
    man than to give his life for his fellows.) had ordered the evacuation of the
    building. I stayed until 2PM, because I wanted to let the smoke clear, and
    our offices’ air quality was good. Luckily, my wife’s brother-in-law works
    at 120 Wall, and he had a car. Wet my handkerchief for a makeshift gas mask
    and walked over there. We were able to walk uptown along Water Street and get
    it out of the parking lot and drive out. We gave a couple of other “lost
    souls” a ride to Grand Central Station. Took about two hours to get home by
    local streets. Thank God, we were home in eastern Queens by 4PM.

    We don’t know when they will let us back into lower Manhattan to get to the
    office. I had an appointment at a bank in Yonkers, today, that I made a
    point in making. The other agency guys cancelled. I just felt I needed to
    show the colors. Stayed a while to talk to the people there and told a
    little of what I saw. Traveled to and from pretty good except, I’m an idiot,
    I got lost. Am home now and my boss said he’d call if he needed me. I doubt
    we will be back in the office before next Monday, if then. Amazingly, we had
    electric and good phone throughout.

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4 Responses to Well, He Could Always Blog!

  • I wonder how often judges actually wish they could beat lawyers/plaintiffs/defendants to death with their gavels?

  • Perhaps after attending a re-education camp and taking a class in sensitivity training, he could be permitted a sentence a day, carefully monitored of course.

  • Mr. Collins, probably more often than we would like to believe.

    But then, I am sure the sentiment is reciprocated.

  • “I rather doubt that he meant that, as Voltaire was a physical coward as well as being a congenital liar”

    You shouldn’t hold back Don of what you really think.

    IMHO, he’s also a detestable human being because of the thousands of priests and nuns he killed through his writings of “enlightened” thought.

    A Freemason as well as an anti-Catholic & anti-Semite, he refused to recant Satan on his deathbed.

    What a life.

4 Responses to This Explains a Lot about Hollywood

The CIA and Facebook

Tuesday, March 22, AD 2011

From the only reliable source of news on the net, the Onion.   Hmmm, so I guess that Facebook could potentially do more harm to people than merely being a venue where future employers can see drunken photos of job applicants. I don’t know, this seems a bit too clever for the CIA.  On the other hand, if someone wanted to claim that Facebook was started by the Internal Revenue Service, I would readily agree.

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3 Responses to The CIA and Facebook

  • That was really good. Didn’t see this coming though:

    …it allows me to interact with my fans without having to see, hear, or smell them.


  • The Onion news anchor RL is a priceless parody of the shallow, self-obsessed “star” anchor. Think Katie Couric, only funny instead of merely pathetic. 🙂

  • And hot, rather than not, but I don’t know if noting something so shallow is allowed during Lent or not. Well, I guess thinking about Katie Couric is enough penance to allow such a comparison. 🙂

4 Responses to Al Qaeda Knows Our Weakness!

2 Responses to Congressional Amnesia

7 Responses to Giant Crabs: Just What the Economy Needs!

  • The big question is how much for one of those crab legs? Probably in the thousands.

  • I am praying they will genetically engineer gianter naugas. Then, the price of naugahyde would be more affordable.

    see http://www.naugahyde.com/history.html

  • What ? Giant Crabs ??

    That’ll send the STD clinics into a tailspin. 😉

  • Don,

    That was wrong. Just wrong. 🙂

  • Here’s a much older (1997) story from the Onion about the fading prospects for peace in the Middle West:


    “In a follow-up to Monday’s attack, the Iowa-based group FIB is stepping up demands that Illinois withdraw all shoppers from the occupied Plaza Strip Mall.

    “Unless Illinois pulls out of the Plaza Strip, the violence will only escalate,” a press statement from the militant group read. “Illinoisans have shopped in the Plaza Strip territory for dozens of years, attracted to the lower sales tax here in Iowa. Meanwhile, they have driven countless Iowans from their rightful shopping grounds with their loud, rude, pushy, obnoxious ways. From now on, Illinoisans are not permitted in the Plaza Strip.”

    FIB is also demanding that control of disputed Mississippi River border settlements revert to the ethnic Scandinavians who occupy them, claiming squatters’ rights.

    Reacting angrily to the demands, (then-Illinois Gov.-elect George) Ryan renewed his hardline stance against tourism.

    “Our people have been subjected to increasingly hostile assaults from our neighbors to the west,” Ryan said. “They come into our territory with their minivans and portable barbecue grills and leave a trail of trash in their wake. For too long, we have placated these belligerent foreigners, offering them reduced admissions to our waterparks and ‘kids stay free’ deals at our hotels. From this day forward, the state of Illinois will not negotiate with tourists.”

  • The last line is priceless Elaine! Although often in dubious taste, I love the Onion!

  • And now we face the gravest threat yet to Midwest peace…. a Bears-Packers showdown for the NFC title!

4 Responses to The Kimchi Crusader!