The Onion

Didn’t You Always Suspect This?

 

Bad News

From the only reliable source of news on the net, The Onion:

 

WASHINGTON—Putting the nation on alert against what it has described as a “highly credible terrorist threat,” the FBI announced today that it has uncovered a plot by members of al-Qaeda to sit back and enjoy themselves while the United States collapses of its own accord.

Multiple intelligence agencies confirmed that the militant Islamist organization and its numerous affiliates intend to carry out a massive, coordinated plan to stand aside and watch America’s increasingly rapid decline, with terrorist operatives across the globe reportedly mobilizing to take it easy, relax, and savor the spectacle as it unfolds.

“We have intercepted electronic communication indicating that al-Qaeda members are actively plotting to stay out of the way while America as we know it gradually crumbles under the weight of its own self-inflicted debt and disrepair,” FBI Deputy Director Mark F. Giuliano told the assembled press corps. “If this plan succeeds, it will leave behind a nation with a completely dysfunctional economy, collapsing infrastructure, and a catastrophic health crisis afflicting millions across the nation. We want to emphasize that this danger is very real.”

“And unfortunately, based on information we have from intelligence assets on the ground, this plot is already well under way,” he added.

A recently declassified CIA report confirmed that all known al-Qaeda-affiliated organizations—from Pakistan to Yemen, and from Somalia to Algeria—have been instructed to kick back and enjoy the show as the United States’ federal government, energy grid, and industrial sector are rendered impotent by internal dissent, decay, and mismanagement. According to statements made by top-level informants and corroborated by leading Western terrorism experts, if seen through to its conclusion, al-Qaeda’s current plot could wreak far more damage than the events of 9/11.

In the past year, money transfers to al-Qaeda cells around the world have reportedly been accompanied by instructions to use the funds to outfit safe houses with the proper equipment to receive American cable news broadcasts and view top U.S. news websites, allowing terrorists to fully relish each detail of the impending demise of the last global superpower →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

My Type of Brainwashed Morons

Bishop Folliot:  Do you think you can carry this off indefinitely you fool?

Archbishop Thomas Becket:  We are all God’s fools, My Lord.

From the play Becket

 

 

Hattip to Matt Archbold at Creative Minority Report.

From the only reliable source of news on the net, The Onion:

 

MACON, GA—Sources confirmed today that the brainwashed morons at First Baptist Assembly of Christ, all of whom blindly accept whatever simplistic fairy tales are fed to them, volunteer each Wednesday night to provide meals to impoverished members of the community. “Unfortunately, there are a lot of people in town who have fallen on hard times and are unable to afford to put food on the table, so we try to help out as best we can,” said 48-year-old Kerri Bellamy, one of the mindless sheep who adheres to a backward ideology and is incapable of thinking for herself, while spooning out homemade shepherd’s pie to a line of poor and homeless individuals. “It feels great to share our blessings with the less fortunate. Plus, it’s fun to work alongside all the members of our [corrupt institution of propaganda and lies] who come out each week.” As of press time, the brainless, unthinking lemmings had donated winter clothing they no longer wore to several needy families and still hadn’t opened their eyes to reality. →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

Plan Like a Chipmunk!

From the only reliable source of news on the net, The Onion.  The above video would be funny if it were not also devastatingly true.  I would put on my notepad a New Year’s Resolution to be more organized and plan better, but I can’t seem to find the notepad.

ObamaCare 3.5

ObamaCare 3.5The only reliable source of news on the net, The Onion, reports that the Obama administration has a solution to the computer glitches that have marred the ObamaCare roll out:

 

WASHINGTON—Responding to widespread criticism regarding its health care website, the federal government today unveiled its new, improved Obamacare program, which allows Americans to purchase health insurance after installing a software bundle contained on 35 floppy disks. “I have heard the complaints about the existing website, and I can assure you that with this revised system, finding the right health care option for you and your family is as easy as loading 35 floppy disks sequentially into your disk drive and following the onscreen prompts,” President Obama told reporters this morning, explaining that the nearly three dozen 3.5-inch diskettes contain all the data needed for individuals to enroll in the Health Insurance Marketplace, while noting that the updated Obamacare software is mouse-compatible and requires a 386 Pentium processor with at least 8 MB of system RAM to function properly. →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

Facebook and the Ending of the Concept of Personal Privacy

From the only reliable source of news on the net, the Onion.  A few years ago I began noticing a new category of evidence emerging:  Facebook evidence.  People involved in child custody disputes were using the Facebook pages of their adversaries to point out misbehaviors such as drunkness, constant use of profanity, threats to kill, etc.  From my perch of 30 years at the bar, I view this development with bemusement.  When I was young,  people were no more virtuous than they are now, but they usually had more sense than to blast out to the world that they were drunks, hedonists, verbally challenged except when using the F-Bomb, or to have photos of themselves published to the world in, and how truly Victorian the phrase seems now, compromising positions.  Most people understood that their personal lives were personal, and not to be broadcast to the planet at large.  Now, it seems as if exhibitionism is the order of the day, and Facebook and other social media exist to trumpet every portion of one’s life, especially the tawdry aspects.  Time for me to enlist two shades from the next world to provide commentary.  First, the famous phrase that Cicero used in his second oration against Verres:  O Tempora, O Mores!  Second, the late Ray Walston: ']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

9/11 Conspiracy Theories Debunked

Tomorrow is the tenth anniversary of 9/11.   To head off any “Truthers”, a truly despicable and delusional movement that contends that 9/11 was an “inside job” perpetrated by nefarious, and apparently omnipotent forces in our government, who could arrange for terrorists to hijack four airliners and launch their attacks at the same time that the real dirty work was carried out by government agents, and keep this conspiracy hidden from view for a decade, except from the paladins of the “Truther” Movement who are able see beyond mere facts and evidence to the evil conspiracies within, I would suggest viewing of a series of videos on You Tube that patiently debunk 9/11 conspiracy theories one at a time.  The above video is one of them.  Go here to watch others in the series. →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

At Last, a Logical Explanation for our Current Woes

From the only reliable source of news on the net, the Onion.  Well, being part Cherokee I do not think that there is anything to this silly rumor.  However, if any of you out there wish to make money offerings to appease the anger of my outraged ancestors, I guess I could force myself to accept the funds!  :)

The CIA and Facebook

From the only reliable source of news on the net, the Onion.   Hmmm, so I guess that Facebook could potentially do more harm to people than merely being a venue where future employers can see drunken photos of job applicants. I don’t know, this seems a bit too clever for the CIA.  On the other hand, if someone wanted to claim that Facebook was started by the Internal Revenue Service, I would readily agree.

Al Qaeda Knows Our Weakness!

From the only reliable source of news on the net, The Onion.  Well, I guess I will not be posting that video of a pig playing the piano after all.

Congressional Amnesia

From the only reliable source of news on the net, the Onion.  I don’t know, I think we would be better off if Congress had forgotten how to pass a law a few years ago.  At any rate, I always attempt to come to the assistance of fools, drunks and the United States Congress, so here is a little reminder as to how a bill becomes a law: →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

Giant Crabs: Just What the Economy Needs!

From the only reliable source of news on the net, the Onion.  Personally, I am waiting for trained flying monkey servants to do the jobs homo sapiens do not want to do.  It is only a rumor that Governor Quinn of Illinois is attempting to land a contract for the construction of a Giant Crab hatchery on the lake shore of Chicago.

The Kimchi Crusader!

From the only reliable source of news on the net, the Onion.  I have heard that a similar offer has been made to President Ahmadinejad of Iran in regard to the next Superman movie.  Unfortunately he turned it down.  Clark Kent looked too Jewish to him.

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