5

Patheos v. Christ

News that I missed courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

SEATTLE, WA—After reading several chapters from the gospels over the weekend, local progressive believer Wendy Butler reportedly published a Patheos blog post in which she criticized Jesus of Nazareth for “not being very Christlike.”

The blog post took Jesus to task for His “unloving and problematic” teachings.

“He devotes entire sections of His sermons to ranting about archaic religious concepts like hell and the last judgment instead of just coming alongside the marginalized and affirming their sins,” Butler said. “Very little of what He did on earth I would describe as life-giving. Frankly, I do a better job of being Christlike than Christ Himself.”

The woman was also agitated to find that Jesus didn’t devote any of His time recorded in the Scriptures to advocating for government-subsidized healthcare or women’s abortion rights.

Go here to read the rest.  Yeah, who does Jesus think He is!!!?  God!!!?  Well yes, actually.

18

Astonishing

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—In a SiriusXM interview Friday, Chelsea Clinton stated it would be “unchristian” if she were to believe in God, read her Bible, or otherwise act in a way consistent with faith in God as the ultimate Judge and Ruler of the universe.

She said, “Believing in God and reading the Bible are representative of oppressive systemic structures that bring so much pain to people, it’s just unconscionable to me that some people think we should do those things, believe those things.”

Clinton claimed the sincere, biblical conviction that believing in God and reading His Word are necessary aspects of the Christian life is a belief that reveals evangelicals’ hatred toward women. “I’m a devout Christian, but suggesting that I need to believe Christian things that would go against my political platform is the very definition of the war on women.”

Go here to read the rest.  Considering the sterling upbringing she received from her parents, I am shocked, shocked that Clinton the Younger is as screwed up as she is.

17

Scandal

But anonymously posted accusations ought to have no place in any prosecution. For this is both a dangerous kind of precedent and out of keeping with the spirit of our age.

Emperor Trajan to Pliny the Younger

 

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—In a shocking, exclusive new revelation, sources have reported to us that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh may have cheated while playing “The Floor is Lava” during his childhood.

Republicans have been trying to push Kavanaugh’s nomination through, but if these allegations turn out to be true, it’s clear that any senator with a shred of ethics left must vote “no” on his confirmation.

Multiple witnesses claim a 7-year-old Kavanaugh leaped from the couch to a pillow on the floor, but his foot clearly touched the carpet, rendering him “out.” However, the boy didn’t quit, but claimed he didn’t touch the carpet, saying “Nuh-uh!” when his friends pointed out the rules violation. “I totally didn’t!” he said. “My foot was like a million miles away from the lava. I’m still in, suckers!”

Go here to read the rest.  Of course the witnesses wish to be anonymous and will not be subject to questioning.  The shade of Henry VII, under whose reign the Star Chamber act of Parliament was passed in 1487, gives two thumbs up to this procedure.

2

PopeWatch: Predator

News that PopeWatch missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

HOLLYWOOD, CA—After resigning from his position in the Catholic Church in disgrace, ex-Cardinal Theodore McCarrick has reportedly signed on for a role in a sequel to The Predator, a reboot of the classic film franchise.

McCarrick will play the eponymous role of the Predator, a vicious alien who stalks and preys on innocent people for sport.

“This guy’s audition was perfect: creepy, disgusting, manipulative—everything we need in a fearsome sentient humanoid alien possessing futuristic weaponry and a predatory instinct,” said one casting agent. “He was downright intimidating in his interpretation of an extraterrestrial predator with thermal vision and large mandibles that could crush a man’s skull.”

“We expect Uncle Ted to be a Hollywood mainstay in a variety of villainous roles for years to come,” he added.

 

Go here to read the rest.  PopeWatch would note that the Vatican has refused to confirm or deny that the Pope will be appearing in a remake of Christopher Marlowe’s play Faust.

6

Do as I Say, Not as I Do

 

 

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

URBANA, IL—In a moving speech delivered Friday, President Barack Obama called for the nation to turn from fear, anger, and resentment, despite having stoked these emotions at every opportunity during his time in office.

The man who had carefully stoked divisions and pushed identity politics for a full eight years called the nation to turn away from divisive “politics of resentment” and instead be loving and inclusive.

“Common ground exists, I have seen it, I have lived it,” he said, though his presidency was spent turning people on each other and encouraging a culture of victimhood and resentment. “I know I spent a lot of time encouraging you to feel oppressed by each other so you would look to the federal government to fix things and turn a blind eye while I massively increased the power of the executive branch. But this time I’m serious. Let’s not hate each other, at least not until a Democrat is in office again.”

Go here to read the rest.

2

Well, That Would Explain a Lot

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

VATICAN CITY—In a private moment of reflection after watching one of his cardinals state that the head of the Roman Catholic Church was too busy speaking about the environment, addressing migrant issues, and “carrying on the work of the church” to address victims of the Church’s horrific sex abuse scandal, the Pontiff suddenly realized he might actually be the eschatological Antichrist.

“Oh man,” he murmured as he took a good, hard look at himself in the mirror. “Too busy talking about the environment to care for those abused by the Church? That sounds so bad. I wonder if I’m actually the Antichrist. Or at least an antichrist, like the ones John wrote about.” He took a few minutes to think about it, shaking his head and muttering to himself.

Go here to read the rest.  If Pope Francis were the anti-Christ however, I would expect to hear an announcement from Satan seeking to disassociate himself from the doings of Pope Francis.  “I didn’t tempt him to ignore McCarrick, that was all his doing.  The Commie Cross?  Please, I am the infinite evil but I have never been accused of being fond of kitsch.  My chosen agents among mortals are almost always highly intelligent men and women of the world, leaders to lead others into the pit.  A bumbler like Cupich would never get even a no salary internship with my organization.  Hell hath its standards.  No, the anti-Christ is on his own and I disclaim any responsibility for the mess he is making.”

7

Priorities

Hattip to commenter Greg Mockeridge.  News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

VATICAN CITY—In his first public statement on the horrifying, devastating report on sexual abuse within the Catholic Church, Pope Francis stated he would address the controversy in detail once he’s done talking about climate change for a few more weeks.

The head of the Roman Catholic Church claimed he is deeply concerned with the tragic report, but is “just too swamped” with work fighting climate change, criticizing capitalism, and advocating for other issues of social justice to talk about the repulsive report at the moment.

“Rest assured, once I have exhausted my talking points on the need for government policies to crack down on their carbon footprints, we’ll start looking this report over,” he said. “Then I’ll be sure to make a statement on it. We just didn’t want to jump to conclusions too early, something that we’re not concerned about with man-made climate change. Just with this.”

Go here to read the rest.  Oh, the Vatican has released a statement.  Go here to read it.  We should be relieved, I guess, to learn that the Pope is on the side of the abused and not the abusers.  I assume that will be reflected in his future appointments, since his past appointments give us no such assurance.

4

Cthulhu Trumped

 

 

News that I missed courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Cthulhu the Great Dreamer has released a new tell-all book detailing his time working closely with President Donald Trump for several months in 2017.

The One who sleeps at R’lyeh briefly served as a consultant on the Trump administration late last year, but quickly left after he found himself unable to stomach the president’s platform, morals, and values.

The book contains many juicy details and behind-the-scenes glimpses of the seedy underbelly of the Trump administration, from occult rituals designed to awake the Great Old Ones from their slumber to portals leading to dimensions lost in time and space ripping open throughout the White House.

“I figured it was time for everyone to know exactly what goes on behind closed doors in the Trump White House,” the Ancient One said in a press conference, taking a sip of human souls from a mug. “I deeply regret supporting President Trump, and this is my little way of giving back to you worthless creatures, you insignificant specks floating in the nameless blights of outer voids where faint demon scratchings you sometimes hear on the farthest rim of space, yet from which your own finite vision has given you a merciful immunity.”

 

Go here to read the rest.  I suspect that Cthulhu is still fuming for not being considered for a slot on The Apprentice. I have been unable to confirm that Cthulhu and Omarosa are scheduled for a joint appearance on The View.  I doubt it, since Cthulhu carries a grudge from Omarosa passing him in a White House corridor and muttering “Amateur!”

 

 

3

Satan’s Minions Never Sleep

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

INTERNET—Sources confirmed Friday morning that Satan’s armies are still heavily focused on infiltrating and maintaining control of website comments sections across the internet, a tactical onslaught they’ve been focused on for the better part of the past decade.

“Comments sections are one of the primary recruiting tools Satan’s forces use to influence people toward darkness,” demonology expert Donald Velasco noted. “This is why most healthy people cannot wade too deeply into any comments section on the internet without being overwhelmed by the presence of sheer evil, as they are bombarded with words and opinions more hateful, vile, and barbaric than any mere human could concoct.”

“During my research, I got too far down in some YouTube comments and ended up having to wash my eyeballs with paint thinner,” he added.

Go here to read the rest.  Careful in the comboxes on this post.

12

Chicago, the Home of Random Senseless Violence

 

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

CHICAGO, IL—It looked like good news for Chicago as the skyrocketing murder rate finally started to level off, but the reason for the decline turned out to be alarming: murder has gotten so bad in Chicago that now even the average murderer won’t go out at night for fear of being murdered.

“I love murder,” said local murderer Carl Gross, “but I don’t want to be murdered. It’s gotten so bad out here, though, that we regular, salt-of-the-earth murderers are being preyed upon by all the really deranged murderers who don’t follow the murderer’s code of not murdering murderers.”

Bennie Arnold, Chicago resident and occasional strangler, agreed. “I just want to strangle people,” said Arnold. “But now I’m too scared to go out at night to find victims, so I just stay home with the doors locked. I guess now I know how I made regular folk feel… which would really make me think if I weren’t a sociopath.”

Go here to read the rest.  From 2011 MadTV:

 

2

They Probably Don’t Even Have a Starbucks!

 

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

RIVERDALE, NY—31-year-old Darlene Austin has always been an avid supporter of socialism, but she recently had an eye-opening experience.

“At a vegan cafe, I met a guy from Venezuela,” Austin explained. “I asked him about how great it must be to live in a country working to end economic inequality, but then he went into a long diatribe about oppression, poverty, and murder.”

Austin admitted she didn’t listen to much of it since she always knew that socialism would have “a few bumps along the way.” But then the man said something that really concerned her: he asked what the crispy bread slathered with a green substance on her plate was.

“He didn’t even know what avocado toast was!” Austin exclaimed. She asked him about whether they had lots of avocados in Venezuela, but he explained it wasn’t just an issue of the availability of avocados but also not being able to get bread and sometimes not having electricity for a toaster.

 

 

Go here to read the rest.

 

 

 

5

Well, This Sounds Reasonable

News that I missed while on vacation, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

 

VATICAN CITY—Following his recent announcement that the Catholic Church no longer supports the use of the death penalty, Pope Francis clarified that it may still be applied to slow left-lane drivers. “It almost goes without saying,” the leader of the Church commented.

Whereas prior Church teaching allowed the death penalty in certain cases, the Catechism now teaches that the punishment is always impermissible. “Except,” said a Vatican spokesman, “for those reprobate souls who just hang out in the left lane as if nobody else has anywhere to be.”

Go here to read the rest.  Yes, but what about tailgaters?  Can’t they at least be maimed?

2

He’s Sorry

 

 

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—In response to criticism of the alleged shadow ban of certain right-leaning accounts on the platform, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey apologized Friday for allowing conservatives on the platform in the first place.

The visibly distraught CEO openly wept as he expressed his great remorse for ever having allowed conservatives to open accounts and let their worldview “just hang out there for the whole world to see.”

“Twitter has always been a welcoming, accepting place, so there’s obviously no room for anyone even slightly right of center,” Dorsey said. “I see that now. I’ve learned and grown from my experiences, and I hope the far-left mobs can find it in their hearts to forgive me rather than demanding I be fired on the spot.”

Go here to read the rest. Conservatives having the temerity to think that they have a right to their own opinions!  What is the world coming to?

 

15

PopeWatch: Democratic Socialism

News missed by PopeWatch courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

You can’t go into a Whole Foods or indie record store without hearing somebody talk about it: democratic socialism. Is it a radical new idea that we should try out in our nation, or is it an old idea with the word “democratic” stapled to the front to make it sound more palatable? Find out in this handy explainer from your friends at The Babylon Bee:

What is Democratic Socialism?

Democratic Socialism is a growing movement in America promising every citizen the most basic human rights, including but not limited to free healthcare, a government-guaranteed job making at least $15 per hour, free college tuition, guaranteed housing, broadband internet access, and cage-free vegan lattes.

How would the government pay for all of that?

By rightfully appropriating money from terrible, evil, oppressive, hardworking, enterprising citizens who have earned wealth via the dreaded free market economy that has led to unprecedented human flourishing. Governments are known for being the most efficient spenders of money, and so surely would do an excellent job as stewards of your wealth—err, we mean, the public’s wealth.

Isn’t it immoral to take most of the money people earn?

No—actually, it’s the right thing to do. People with money only got that money because of inherent privilege, racism, sexism, bigotry, homophobia, transphobia, patriarchy, and all kinds of other unfair power structures and phobias. You know what, we’re a little concerned with all the questions you’re asking here. It sounds like someone needs to spend a little more time in a democratic re-education loyalty center! KILL THE KULAKS!

How does Democratic Socialism differ from just “Socialism”?

It has the word “Democratic” in front of it, you see, which means it is achieved by promoting identity politics, stoking class warfare, and cranking that entitlement mentality up to 11, instead of literal violent overthrow of the government. Besides, voting for the government to seize people’s wealth is totally different from the government deciding to do so on their own, right? Err… uh… DID WE MENTION YOU GET FREE STUFF?? Say it with us: Socialism good, Democratic Socialism better!

It seems like if you try to run the numbers, there’s just no way Democratic Socialism is a fiscally feasible form of government.

“Run the numbers”? “Fiscally feasible”? Have you been paying attention, like, at all? Do you want free money, or are you part of the problem? YOU GET FREE MONEY, AND YOU GET FREE MONEY—ERRYBODY GETS FREE MONEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!

Go here to read the rest.  PopeWatch is stunned to realize that the same people who write for The Bee must also write economic policy statements for the Vatican.  That explains a lot!

 

6

Stop Imposing Your Catholicism on Those Poor People!

News that I missed courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an alarming show of religious extremism and complete disregard for the separation of church and state, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was spotted by news reporters serving food to the homeless.

Kavanaugh performed the frightening display of religious devotion alongside an organized group of radicalized Catholics, whose extremist mission appears to be helping the needy. Local news crews leaped out of the bushes and caught him in the act, asking him, “What do you have to say for yourself, BIGOT?”

“It is disturbing that a SCOTUS nominee can so flagrantly practice his faith in the public sphere without fear of reprisal,” read an opinion piece published on Politico. “We want justices who don’t have an inherent bias for lifting up the poor and enacting mercy and, well, you know—justice.”

The writer went on to compare the Catholic judge’s actions to “something out of The Handmaid’s Tale,” stating that if the United States doesn’t start vetting judges for extremist positions like being a member of one of the world’s largest religions, “we will soon be living in a theonomy.”

Go here to read the rest. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is more threatening to so many vested interests in this country than a believing Christian.

8

That Would Be Unthinkable

News that I missed courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—The Resistance movement, formed to oppose President Trump, has stepped up its efforts against the right’s “rapidly encroaching tyranny.” They have vowed to do whatever they can to stop Trump, other than showing even basic respect to the tens of millions of Americans who voted for him.

“This is unlike any other time in history,” said Adrienne Stokes, an activist and self-proclaimed member of the Resistance. “We have to be willing to do anything we can to bring down Trump and stop the rise of the alt-right. Spend every day protesting. Mob his cronies. Go to jail if we have to. Absolutely anything… as long as it doesn’t involve acknowledging the cares and concerns of people who don’t share our politics.”

“We will go the distance, up to the moment we’re asked to have a civil conversation—that would be a bridge too far.”

This is a sentiment widely shared by all the loudest opposition to Trump—antifa, Democrats, journalists—who see Trump as a challenge to this country unlike anything it has ever faced. To them, that means every strategy must be considered to stop the rising tide of fascism short of treating their political opponents as fellow human beings and not the cartoon villains they have dreamed up in their heads.

 

Go here to read the rest.

 

25 On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

26 “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”

27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b]

28 “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

29 But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

30 In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31 A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32 So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Trump supporter, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34 He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. 35 The next day he took out two denarii[c] and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’

36 “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

37 The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”

Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”

3

Enemies of the People

News I missed courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

 

RICHMOND, VA—In a bold move intended to battle fascist ideology, antifa activists have released the home addresses of two children who allegedly sold Steven Bannon lemonade as he walked by their house on a warm Richmond morning over the weekend.

“HERE ARE THE NAMES AND ADDRESSES OF THE TWO FASCIST SYMPATHIZERS WHO WERE SEEN FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY,” one Antifa member posted on his Twitter account. “WE’RE NOT PUBLISHING THESE TO INCITE VIOLENCE. WE JUST SO HAPPEN TO BE PUTTING THE ADDRESSES UP HERE AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, SHOULD YOU WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO THEM.”

 

Go here to read the rest.

3

Beauty Contest

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Bowing to public pressure, Donald Trump has agreed to remove a popular mainstay of the Supreme Court nomination process: the swimsuit competition.

“This is long overdue,” said law professor Edgar Ford. “It’s time to put out the message that judges of all shapes and sizes can rule on Constitutional issues. Not just those who look good in a bikini.”

The swimsuit competition has been considered controversial ever since it caused the otherwise-qualified Robert Bork not to get a seat at the Supreme Court in 1987. More recently, the swimsuit competition was why the Republicans wouldn’t even consider Barack Obama’s nominee Merrick Garland, instead waiting for the election of Donald Trump, whom supporters consider to have a better eye for such things.

It will be a new era selecting a Supreme Court Justice without the swimsuit competition, and Trump made it clear he made this choice grudgingly. “People don’t want it anymore, so I got rid of it,” Trump told the press. “But let’s not pretend people like Supreme Court Justices for their personalities.”

Go here to read the rest.  Images of some of the current Justices in bikinis just flashed through my brain.  Time for another mind wipe!

2

This Explains a Lot

News that I have missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—While most Americans are hostile to socialism, touching a hot stove, and sticking one’s face in a sack full of badgers, surveys show that millennials are much more open to these dangerous ideas and activities than previous generations.

Finding themselves pessimistic about the future and saddled with student debt, millennials often turn to socialism, and also tend to say things like “Hey, maybe it would be fun to touch that hot, glowy thing above the oven.”

These new attitudes towards stove touching, putting one’s face in a sack full of badgers, and socialism is changing the Democratic Party, already resulting in a surprise win for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in the NY-14 primary who openly ran on a platform of democratic socialism along with “democratic sticking your face in a sack full of badgers,” which is “fundamentally different” from the old style of just sticking your face in a sack full of badgers, according to Ocasio-Cortez.

“The system has failed in getting a close look at badgers,” Ocasio-Cortez told an enthused crowd. “It’s past time to just stick our face in a sack full of them.”

 

Go here to read the rest.  The motto of my generation was “Badgers?  We don’t need no stinking badgers!”.  Times change I guess.

 

4

Amen!

As usual, The Babylon Bee is on target:

 

U.S.—After Justice Kennedy announced his retirement Wednesday, the nation took a brief moment to thank the Lord that Hillary Clinton lost the 2016 election, and thus would not be able to select his replacement for the Supreme Court.

The nation acknowledged that it didn’t deserve God’s blessings but thanked Him anyway for sparing them a Clinton presidency.

“Father God, we just want to thank You that Hillary Clinton didn’t win the presidency. We know, Lord, that Trump isn’t ideal either, but hoo boy. That was a close one,” one man said in a special emergency prayer and thanksgiving service held at his church in Kentucky. “You truly are wise and sovereign.”

Go here to read the rest.  I guess Hillary Clinton’s outreach to Christians which seemed to be non-existent, go here to read about it, might need a fine tuning for the Dems in 2020.   Their traditional implicit slogan of Hey you stupid Christers, vote for us, doesn’t seem to be working.

 

2

PopeWatch: The Great Escape

News that PopeWatch missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis again eluded his security detail Monday, this time quickly releasing statements which seem to cast doubt on the Catholic Church’s longstanding positions on polygamy and Unitarianism before he could be secured again, sources confirmed.

Francis was reportedly able to trick his handlers into thinking he was still in bed by stuffing pillows under his blankets early in the morning and leaving a CD of snoring sounds on repeat in the papal apartment. By the time his head of security discovered the ruse, Francis had already given an interview to an Italian television station possibly affirming polygamy, saying, “Listen, I don’t want to come down too heavy on that. Just seems kind of harsh—and who am I to judge?”

The Pope then led his security detail on a wild chase through St. Peter’s Square, weaving in and out of the Swiss Guard, losing his pursuers in the cheering throngs. However, he did stop long enough to give a quick, scandalous statement to the Catholic News Syndicate on Unitarians, saying he thought they were “maybe, you know, not too far off.”

Go here to read the rest.  A confidential source of PopeWatch among the Swiss Guards denied the story.  “Once they isued us the tranquilizer darts, he no longer can elude us.”.

 

1

PopeWatch: Shazaam!

News that PopeWatch missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

VATICAN CITY—In an honest, impromptu homily delivered Monday, Pope Francis admitted he is just making most of his theology up as he goes, ignoring thousands of years of official Church doctrine in favor of “whatever pops into my head at the time.”

Where past Popes have been careful in their attempts to stay in line with official Catholic teaching, Pope Francis confessed he doesn’t really know much official doctrine, stating that he’s more of a “shoot from the hip kind of guy” when it comes to weighty topics of morality, salvation, God, and eternity.

“People ask me questions, and I’m not always sure what to say, so honestly I’m just winging it,” the Pope said in his candid, unscheduled address. “This job is really hard, when you think about it. Trying to be the Vicar of Christ and deal with everybody’s complicated theological questions all at the same time? Ugh. It gives me a headache. So I just start talking. Even I’m surprised with what comes out sometimes.”

“I just want everyone to know about, like, love and God and stuff,” he added thoughtfully before beginning to take questions from those gathered in the Sistine Chapel, with the Pope signing off on Christian fornication, adultery, and polygamy during the short impromptu Q&A session.

At publishing time, frantic Catholic leadership had located the Pope and tackled him to the ground to prevent him from saying anything further.

 

Now he tells us!  And with that PopeWatch will be on Memorial Day hiatus until May 29.

 

CNN: Evil Trump Kidnaps Three Happy Guests of North Korea

From the ever brilliant The Babylon Bee:

 

ATLANTA, GA—An exclusive new CNN report revealed Thursday that President Trump has kidnapped three people from the paradise of North Korea, forcing them to get on a plane and return to the United States against their wishes.

 

A teary-eyed CNN anchor broke the story, visibly enraged at the egregious act of international terrorism. CNN reporters had discovered that the three visitors had been in North Korea enjoying a vacation for many months before Trump unilaterally decided to have them forcibly flown back to America, even aggressively accosting them when they landed.

“This heartbreaking story shows just how low President Trump will go,” the anchor said, his voice quavering. “How much longer will this country allow this madman to go on trampling the name of the United States on the world stage? This is an unprecedented act, for a sitting president to personally kidnap perfectly happy visitors to the communist wonderland of North Korea.”

 

Go here to read the rest.

 

2

Taco Appropriation

From The Babylon Bee:

 

IRVINE, CA—Cultural appropriators in America, you’ve just been put on notice. Fast-Food giant Taco Bell has announced that from now on it will only serve customers of Mexican descent to ensure that “everyone stays in their lanes.”

 

Patrons will be asked to show proof of their Mexican heritage at the drive-thru window or dine-in counter, and anyone who doesn’t meet the stringent racial standards won’t be able to partake in Taco Bell’s authentic Mexican cuisine.

Great job, Taco Bell! It’s important for restaurants to make sure that people of different ethnicities are not experiencing each other’s cultures, or harmfully colonizing fast food.

 

Go here to read the rest.  I knew this was going to happen long ago:

 

 

4

PopeWatch: Cats

News that PopeWatch missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

VATICAN CITY—In a sweeping statement Tuesday, Pope Francis announced his belief that all cats across the world are Christians. Although pundits frequently acknowledge the Pope’s progressive policies, Catholic scholars are calling this a “truly unprecedented” move.

 

“A Pope hasn’t made a declaration like this since Pope Alexander VI issued a Papal Bull against Llamas in 1493,” noted one high-ranking official at the Vatican, who chose to remain anonymous. “One thing is certain: this will change the conversation on whether an individual can truly ‘own’ a cat.”

Several years ago, scholars universally acknowledged that all dogs go to heaven. It is unclear whether or not today’s announcement jeopardizes this previous belief. When asked about any possible conflict, the Vatican’s media specialist responded: “That was a predominantly Protestant perspective. I think it originated with Karl Barkh’s Dog-matic theology.”

 

Go here to read the rest.  PopeWatch would say something pungent, but Cats purportedly have long memories: