I was working at my desk in the law mines Wednesday afternoon, when I heard one of my secretaries say loudly “Mr. McClarey never speaks to anyone who will not give their name!” followed by a phone being slammed down. I sauntered into her office to see what was up. She told me that some bitter old harpy was yelling and talking a mile a minute, demanding to speak to me and ranting about who was paying for The American Catholic, that Biden was a better Catholic than Paul Ryan, and spewing various insults aimed at conservatives. When she wouldn’t give her name my secretary hung up on her per our standard operating procedures. I learned long ago that if someone will not leave their name that is almost a certain sign of someone with a few screws loose, and I simply do not have the time to waste dealing with such phone calls. My other secretary heard us and said that she had received a similar call a few minutes ago and after letting the woman vent for five minutes hung up on her after she repeatedly ignored requests to give my secretary her name. At this time the caller called back and we put her through to voice mail. The person began her diatribe by denouncing me as a coward, this from someone who would not give her name. I deleted her call at this point since she was obviously merely going to repeat the tiresome rant that my secretaries had already described to me.
If she had merely given her name I would have been happy to talk to her and tell her who is paying for The American Catholic. Fifty percent of our revenue comes from the Vatican. I was in the midst of fingering my monthly pot of Vatican gold when she called. This of course is in addition to the squad of albino squirrel assassins that I received from the Vatican when I helped form The American Catholic four years ago this October. The remainder of our funds comes from the Koch Brothers. They usually pay us in blood diamonds, although I would note that the shipment last month seemed to be of a lesser quality than they customarily send. As a result, I am happy to report that each contributor to The American Catholic is rich, rich beyond your wildest dreams of avarice! (Don laughs evilly: Ha! Ha, Ha, Ha! Chortle, snort!)