News That Could Be True

Cardinals Vote Down Drone Strikes Against Liturgical Abuses

(Cross-posted at Acts of the Apostasy)

(AoftheAP) A source out of Rome tells AoftheA News that during Thursday’s pre-conclave meeting, the Church’s cardinals voted down a proposal to authorize the use of drones to identify and eliminate known liturgical abuses.

The source, speaking on condition of anonymity, was able to provide few details of the vote, but could confirm that the vote was a close one.

“There was impassioned debate,” the source revealed. “Cardinal Burke campaigned for their use, citing Just War Theory, canon law, and the history of the Crusades as justification for the practice. His PowerPoint presentation and video simulations, from what I was told, impressed a good number of the prelates.

Simulated drone strike on a  papier-mâché puppet.

Simulated drone strike on a papier-mâché puppet.

“Equally persuasive, though, was Cardinal Mahony, who feared that many of the churches in his former archdiocese would end up being targeted.”

At that point, the source said, the discussion turned to whether the drones should only be used against Call-to-Action gatherings. That was rejected, because most of their meetings take place in Episcopalian facilities, and some cardinals pointed out that attacks on their buildings would hamper ecumenism efforts.

Obama: We “Took Too Many Medals”

(Cross-posted at Acts of the Apostasy)

(AoftheAP) Less than 24 hours after the conclusion of the 2012 Summer Olympics, President Barack Obama announced that, while he was pleased with the sportsmanship and sense of fair play exhibited by all the U.S. athletes, he was disappointed at the level of their success.

“Let me be clear. The Olympics are so much more than mere winning and losing. I believe, and there are many who think as I do, that the Olympics are about fairness, about a cooperative spirit. I think what we as a nation ought to be asking ourselves is, what kind of country do we really want? The way I see it, and again, the way so many others around the world see it as well, is that what you have here…

“Look it, the United States took home 104 total medals. That’s more than the bottom 45 or 46 nations combined – not including those countries that didn’t even receive one medal. The United States took home 46 gold medals – that’s more than all but 3 countries’ – our good friends from China, Russia and Great Britain – total medal counts. Think about how unfair that is. For example, our country received 46 gold medals, while Germany received a total of only 44 medals – gold, silver and bronze combined. The way I see it, the U.S. took too many medals.

“So, in order to make this more fair, I’m issuing an Executive Order this morning declaring that the US Olympic Team will redistribute up to 75% of their medals to nations who received very few, or none at all. I think it’s okay that we keep some of the medals, just not all of them. And I urge our good friends from China and Russia to consider doing the same. What I’m not proposing here is unilateral dismedalment, which I’m sure my critics will accuse me of doing. I’m doing this in the spirit of cooperation and fairness, the sort of values that the Olympics, and our nation, are built upon.

“I think most people would agree, that we ‘won’ those medals because so many others ‘lost’. As proud as I am at the effort and hard work put forth by our nation’s athletes, I just have to say to them, listen – you didn’t win that. Somebody else…made that happen. And that ‘somebody else’ happens to be nearly all the other nations of the world, who just didn’t have the same opportunities, the same quality roads and bridges, which obviously did not lead to equitable outcomes. This Executive Order seeks to remedy that.”

Vatican Archivists Discover Unfinished Papal Encyclical!!

(cross-posted at Acts of the Apostasy)

(AoftheAP) Calling it the “most exciting archival discovery in the post-Reformation era”, Vatican archivists have announced that in October 2011, they discovered what they believe to be the unfinished 13th Rosary Encyclical penned by Pope Leo XIII.  Pope Leo XIII, who had a strong devotion to our Blessed Mother,  issued 12 encyclicals on the rosary between the years 1883-1898.  It is believed this newly found incomplete one was started several months before he died in July 1903.

“We’ve translated the text,” Fr. Hugo Thistleway said at yesterday’s press conference, “and it’s entitled Decursu Saeculorum, taken from the first sentence of the encyclical: ‘Decursu saeculorum, sanctissimam Matrem pietatis manifestatio per fideles in recitatione a sanctissimo Rosario nuncupatur’, which translates to: ‘Throughout the ages, devotion to our Blessed Mother has been expressed by the faithful in the recitation of the Holy Rosary’.”

In all, the encyclical totals six and a half pages, and is clearly incomplete.  But its content has caused an immediate  controversy at the Holy See, as Pope Leo XIII indicated in very precise language how the rosary is to be prayed.  Namely, that the only means by which to receive grace and indulgences from recitation, is to pray the rosary in a counter-clockwise direction.  According to the encyclical, praying the rosary in a clockwise direction would ‘bear no fruit and Heaven would be closed to the petitioner and his pleas’ (‘…fructum nequaquam facient, quod caelum claudatur, et preces eius et actori.’).

“Due to its incompleteness, there is uncertainty as to the encyclical’s binding nature upon the faithful,” Thistleway said.  “But make no mistake, this is huge.”

Fr. Thistleway demonstrated Pope Leo XIII’s instructions to those gathered at the press conference.  “If you hold out the rosary at the crucifix, and let the beads hang down, what the encyclical is saying is that the first decade must be the one to the left of the crucifix, the second decade to the left of the first, and so on, all away around until you return to the crucifix.  Starting to the right would be wrong – not necessarily sinful, at least according to several moral theologians I’ve spoken to, but wrong nonetheless.” Continue reading

Priest Uses Monkeys As Altar Servers To Compete With Megachurch

(Cross-posted at Acts of the Apostasy)

(AoftheAP) Fr. P.T. Bailey, frustrated at the steady stream of parishoners leaving his parish for a new evangelical megachurch, recently made a potentially controversial change at his parish, designed to attract new members and convince old members to return.

The change? Using trained chimpanzees as altar servers.

“Ever since Bobo, Gonzo, Chico, Matata and George arrived at Our Lady of Extenuating Circumstances, our attendance has increased by 250%,” Fr Bailey said. “Donations have been rising, too. It’s been fantastic.” Continue reading

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