PopeWatch: Game of Popes

Saturday, July 30, AD 2016



From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

There was some exciting news for Game of Thrones fans who also happen to love Jesus today after EWTN announced that they are set to premiere their brand new epic, Game of Papal Thrones.

“The launch of the new GoPT series will truly be a global Catholic television event,” said Jonathan Nunez, Associate Producer of the series based on the bestselling novel, A Gregorian Chant of Ice and Fire. “Game of Thrones is already a worldwide phenomenon and so is Jesus Christ. We’re hoping to baptize, so to speak, the series made famous by HBO.”

The series, which details the power struggle for the papal throne (Cathedra Romana,) tells the story of eight men and one woman fighting for control of the newly restored Papal States. Political and chaste intrigue is pervasive. Jorge Mario Bergoglio, Prince of the Apostles, asks his old friend Cardinal Robert Sarah to serve as Hand of the Pope, the highest official. Secretly warned that the previous Hand was assassinated, Sarah accepts in order of business to investigate further. Meanwhile, “the mad sister” Marcia Allen and her religious family, the Leadership Conference of Women Religious, may be hatching a plot to take power. Across the sea, the last members of the deposed family, the Burke’s, are scheming to take the throne. The friction between houses Sarah, LCWR, Bergoglio, and Burke and with the remaining great houses Chaput, Mahoney, Ratzinger, and the incompetent yet powerful and conniving Chaldean Patriarch Raphael “Littlefinger” Sako leads to full-scale war. All while a very ancient evil awakens in the farthest east. Amidst the war and pontifical confusion, a neglected order of monks, the Benedictines of Fontgombault, is all that stands between the realms of men and fiery horrors beyond.


The series is set to premier this September.

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3 Responses to PopeWatch: Game of Popes

  • My sources tell. e that the Vatican and NBC have agreed to,terms on a new game show called “What the Hell did the Pope Just Say?” The contestants will clueless sycophantic bloggers who compete to come up with the best spin to alleviate the fears of gullible Catholics. And since the Vatican, by decree of Fr. Thomas Rosica, has determined that Mark Shea enjoys absolute infallibility when it comes to spinning nonsensical remarks of Pope Francis, he will be both judge and show host.

  • The Bear just hopes there are no nude scenes.

Trump Rising

Monday, July 25, AD 2016





Hmmm, I may have to pick this up, especially since it is free:

Battlegoat Studios announces Trump Rising, a new DLC pack to be released tomorrow for Supreme Ruler Ultimate, their Windows and OS X RTS game on Steam. As you may have inferred, this plays a trump card ripped from today’s headlines with the addition of The Donald to the game. Here’s word:
Within the United States, civil unrest fueled by racial tensions reaches even higher than in the 1960’s. To China and Russia, the new US President seems so unpredictable and reckless that it seems logical to make a pre-emptive strike rather than wait for him to have a ‘bad hair day’ and launch a strike against them. In Western Europe, leaders are shaken by their new reality and realize they may have to make concessions to Russia now that America can no longer be relied upon. The European Union itself is in disarray as the UK prepares to leave and forge its own relationships. In Mexico, and even in Canada, militaries are brought to an unprecedented level of readiness over concern of Trump’s ambitions.

How will this play out? Will you assume Trump’s role as the new US leader and guide America to renewed Greatness? Or will you instead lead another nation and take advantage of a potentially dysfunctional America to further your own ambition?

This DLC adds the following to Supreme Ruler Ultimate:
⦁ New Sandbox starting on US Inauguration Day, January 20, 2017
⦁ Updated “Modern World” relationships, leaders, and regional economies
⦁ Take control as President Donald Trump, or try to minimize the damage as another World Leader
⦁ Build the Trump Wall – although you may have to pay for it yourself
⦁ Encourage regional growth with the Trump Tower economic development zones

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One Response to Trump Rising

PopeWatch: Plagiarism

Saturday, July 23, AD 2016




From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:


A number of paragraphs from Pope Francis’ Wednesday General Audience speech appear to have been lifted from Melania Trump’s Republican National Convention speech.

Francis aide Monsignor Guido Marini said late this afternoon that Francis wrote the speech largely on his own, telling EOTT that, “I read it once over, and that’s all. His Holiness wrote it…with as little help as possible.”

During the address, a journalist pointed out the striking similarities to Melania Trump’s speech from the night before, and a plagiarism controversy exploded. A two-paragraph section of Francis’ speech about family values bears nearly identical phrasing to Trump’s RNC address.

“My parents impressed on me the values that you pray hard for what you want in life. That your rosary is your bond, and you do what you pray and keep your promise to God. That you treat you flock with respect,” Francis told those gathered about halfway through his speech.

Compare that to Trump’s, which said, “My parents impressed on me the values that you work hard for what you want in life. That your word is your bond, and you do what you say and keep your promise. That you treat people with respect.”

Francis went on to stress the need to “pass along the faith to the many generations to follow, because we want the children of God in this Church to know that the only limit to your sanctity is the strength of your novenas and the willingness to remember not to skip a day.”


It’s a near mirror of a line from Trump’s speech: “pass those lessons on to the many generations to follow, because we want our children in this nation to know that the only limit to your achievements is the strength of your dreams and the willingness to work for them.”

Marini soon after responded to the controversy, saying “there is no cribbing of Melania Trump’s speech.”

“These were common words and values, and he cares about his Church,” Marini said. “To think that he would do something like that, knowing how scrutinized his speech was going to be this afternoon, is just really absurd.”

The Francis team released a statement moments go, saying part, “In writing his beautiful speech, Pope Francis’ team of writers took notes on his life’s inspirations, and in some instances included fragments that reflected his own thinking. His Holiness’ immigrant experience and love for Rome shone through in his speech, which made it such a success.”

Other questionable parts of Pope Francis’ speech were quotes such as “Ask not what your Church can do for you; ask what you can do for your Church,” “Be not scared,” and “You’re off to great places! Today is your day! Your seven storey mountain is waiting, so get on your way!”

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One Response to PopeWatch: Plagiarism

Bear Growls: Indigenous Blondes

Friday, July 8, AD 2016


Our bruin friend at Saint Corbinian’s Bear likes the latest video of Pope Francis:


The new Pope Video is out, and the Bear has to hand it to Pope Francis this time. The theme is something about indigenous people. Like, leave us alone, unless you’re giving us stuff. But it is by far the best Pope Video yet.

It begins with Daenerys Targaryen, First of Her Name, Khaleesi of the Grass Sea, The Unburnt, The Mother of Dragons, The Breaker of Chains, in indigenous Dothraki dress, stepping up to a podium in an empty hall as the usual synthesized score plays. Soft lighting behind her reveals an indigenous Dothraki royal tent and a servant steps up and begins braiding Daenerys’ hair.

Without speaking a word, she produces a horse heart and consumes it in a montage of very short takes. With her face covered in blood, she addresses the camera directly.
 “I have many titles, but now I wish to address you simply as Daenerys Targaryen, First of My Name, Khaleesi of the Grass Sea. I love my loyal indigenous Dothraki subjects, who will soon cross the Narrow Sea in wooden horses along with their mounts.

“I speak for the Sheep People, and the Wildings, as well, and all indigenous folk who do not get a clockwork city of their own in the opening credits. I’m not sure if the Ice Zombies are indigenous, but we’ll include them to be on the safe side.

“The Dothraki ways may not be yours, but they deserve to be respected. Except for that giant dome for ex-Khaleesis, which I incinerated along with everyone in it. Leave us alone. Just like we would leave you alone if I did not have an enormous fleet, Dothraki horse lords, the Unsullied, the Second Sons and a squadron of fire-breathing dragons. Oh, and that dwarf, the eunuch and the old guy with the crush on me. As if.

“Swear obedience to your rightful queen, people of the Seven Kingdoms!”


Fade to familiar “Pope Video” closing title.

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2 Responses to Bear Growls: Indigenous Blondes

  • Thanks! The Bear for one welcomes our new Dothraki overlords. Anything would be better than the guy who put barrels of wildfire in the crypts beneath St. Peter’s and destroyed it. But the Bear must wonder. What of the souls of indigenous peoples? “The gods of the heathen are devils.” Not a word. Under the heresy of Bergoglioism, everybody’s good to go. Respect cannibalism. Respect Mumbo Jumbo. And respect the Dothraki, for whom rape and slavery are a way of life. But is it not true that they were serious underachievers until a civilized Khaleesi curbed their worst excesses and gave them a purpose? Well, got to run. Time for my noonday blood sacrifice to The Stallion Who Mounts the World.

  • The bear wasn’t funny this time.

PopeWatch: Pope Eternal

Saturday, June 25, AD 2016



From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:


Pope Francis announced Sunday that he has no plans to retire from his position as the leader of the Catholic Church, or to die.

The pontiff responded to a question from a young man at the Vatican, assuring Catholics and supporters that the thought of retirement or death has not even occurred to him.

“I never thought of quitting being pope, or of leaving because of the many responsibilities,” Pope Francis told reporters. “And to those who earnestly pray that God calls me home soon, I say, neither have I thought of dying, not only because of the many responsibilities, but, more importantly, to annoy you.”

The Pontiff joked in 2014 that his papacy would only last two or three more years until he goes “off to the Father’s house,” but later told the press he was only joking, and that he planned to remain pope for the next two to three centuries.


Pope Francis went on to add that, although he had no intentions of “being dead” anytime in the foreseeable future, he planned to use the plenty of time he had left on this earth excommunicating one randomly selected person a day until he finally got his lifelong wish of seeing flying cars and hover boards “like you see in the movies” on the streets.

He also told the press that he planned to use some of the abundant amount of time he had left accomplishing some of the things on his bucket list.

“I would like to end world hunger, of course, but mainly, I will be working on designing a Hover Pope Mobile so that once the whole flying car thing gets going, I won’t have to wait long. They promised us that there would be flying cars in the year 2000, but they are still not here. What is the hold up? I also plan on setting a record in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest stretch of ad-lib monologue with reporters. I will be shooting for thirty-six straight hours of unscripted and uninterrupted verbal bedlam. I have been practicing for this for some time, and I’m confident I can do it.”

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Not One of Ours

Tuesday, June 14, AD 2016

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3 Responses to Not One of Ours

  • “…but the priest allegedly disappeared immediately afterwards”
    No odor of brimstone, eh?

    A coworker once told of a wedding he attended in a Baptist church. The groom was not Baptist, and after lauding the bride’s faith the minister said “Joe, I’m not sure where you stand with the Lord…”. He then proceeded to rip the groom up and down. Finally some old guy in the back yelled out “What the hell’s this al about?” and the minister then recovered his propriety. My coworkers commented on the need to pick the right minister; my take was on the need to plant an old guy with a big mouth in the back.

  • Let us hire a cohort of such men for every conference, synod, council and meeting at the Vatican. How about we call them “Senior Evangelists” and find some obscure church history according to which hands were laid on such men and the Holy Spirit enlighteneed them before they cried out?

  • Well, THAT Baptists preacher made dang sure that the kids won’t be raised Baptist. If the lady is awesome enough that her husband didn’t kill that jerk, she’s not going to allow him to be abused like that.

PopeWatch: Saint Harambe

Saturday, June 11, AD 2016


From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:


Animal rights activists have created an online petition asking the Congregation for the Causes of Saints to waive the sainthood waiting period for Harambe, the endangered 450-pound gorilla who was fatally shot after a boy fell into its “hermitage” at the Cincinnati Zoo.

The petition, which has already gathered over 300,000 signatures, asks Pope Francis to immediately proclaim Harambe a saint, elevating the great ape to the universal veneration of the Church.

“By canonizing Harambe, the Pope will not be making him a saint,” said Toby Porter who is spearheading the canonization effort. “We already know he’s a saint because he’s an animal, and all animals are worthy of eternal veneration regardless of whether they are dead or alive. Rather, Pope Francis will simply be declaring that our silverback gorilla is already with God and is an authentic example of following Christ, and worthy of imitation by the faithful, both human and ape.”

Porter later went on to add that he hoped Harambe would be added to the general calendar of the Church.

In response, Pope Francis announced this morning that he would be issuing a new encyclical titled, Banana Vitae, reaffirming the orthodox teaching of the Catholic Church regarding responsible conservation of animals and their habitats.

At press time, animal rights activists have also announced plans to ask Pope Francis to excommunicate the parents of the boy who fell into the gorilla “hermitage” for negligence, as well as the zookeeper who shot Harambe for violating the spirit of Laudato Si.


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3 Responses to PopeWatch: Saint Harambe

  • So, if I get my face ripped up by a great ape, can I ask Harambe to intercede for me?

  • When Mr.Ed, ( the talking horse ) was elevated to sainthood, I knew in my heart of hearts that prayers we’re going to be answered. After all he was a talking horse….very rare thing on earth. Now Harambee. Wow. He joins the ranks, the like of which includes; Bowinkle, Rocky J. squirrel, the three Chipmunks ( Holy order of The Society of Varmints. SV ) and Felix the Cat.

    What a great day for the Church.

  • The question everyone is asking: what did the zoo do with Harambe’s relics?

A Jesuit, A Dominican and a Franciscan

Sunday, June 5, AD 2016




Time for a little Catholic humor, this time using the staple of Order jokes:

A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan are driving cars and have a terrible pile up.  All three are killed instantly, go to their particular judgments and receive instant admission to Heaven.  Here are their reactions as they view the vistas of the Kingdom of Love Eternal:

Franciscan:  “This is exactly how Father Francis said it would be!”

Jesuit:  “This is exactly how I thought it would be!”

Dominican:  “Hey, wait a minute!  What’s the Jesuit doing here?”

Tell your jokes in the comboxes.

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17 Responses to A Jesuit, A Dominican and a Franciscan

  • A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were stranded on a desert island, where
    they happened upon a magic lamp. When one of the men rubbed the lamp,
    a genie appeared, promising the fathers three wishes to repay them for freeing
    it from the lamp. The Jesuit instantly replied “I’d like to be away from here and
    teaching at the world’s most prestigious university!” Suddenly, the Jesuit vanished
    in a puff of smoke. The Dominican, in his turn, told the genie “I want to be a
    preacher at the world’s biggest church!” No sooner had he uttered his wish,
    than he too disappeared in a puff of smoke. The genie turned to the Trappist
    and asked “and you, Father?” To which the Trappist answered “I’m fine, genie–
    I just got my wish”.

  • A Franciscan and a Dominican were debating whose order was the greater. After months of arguing, they decided to ask God for an answer when they died. Years later, they met in heaven and went to God’s throne to resolve their old disagreement. God seemed a bit puzzled about the question and told them he would reply in writing a few days later. After much deliberation, God sent the following letter:

    My sons,

    Please stop bickering about such trivial matters. Both orders are equally great and good in my eyes.


    God, SJ

  • The seminarian had not studied for his church history exam.

    One of the questions was compare and contrast the Dominicans and Jesuits?

    He wrote

    The were both founded by Spaniards.
    Both were founded to combat heresy.
    The Dominicans: Albigensianism.
    The Jesuits: Protestantism.

    When is the last time you met an Albigensian?

  • A man praying for a Mercedes so he asked a Franciscan and a Jesuit how many novenas he would have to make.

    The Franciscan asked, “What’s a Mercedes?” and the Jesuit asked, “What’s a novena?”

  • Great stuff men. I have no joke but Hank has me on this Sabbath wondering why Spain founded successful religious orders and unsuccessful countries.

  • The local parish priest just got a lovely new car, so he thought he would ask his friend, the local rabbi id he would like to go for a ride in it.
    After traveling a few miles, the rabbi asked, “What a beautiful car – would I be able to have a drive of it?’
    “Certainly, ” the PP replied, so off they went with the rabbi at the wheel.
    They had only gone a couple of hundred yards, when they came to an intersection – and the rabbi, whose sight was not good, failed to give way, and smashed the car.
    The rabbi, feeling very guilty, asked,”What do we do now?”
    The PP replied, “If it wasn’t Friday, you b*****d, I’d bloody well eat you!”

  • So…a Dominican, Jesuit and a Francisan decided to go to a silent retreat together.
    After half an hour the Jesuit signals the Franciscan to come closer to him, and when he does the Jesuit asked him in a whisper; “When can we speak?” The Franciscan frowns at him at walks away. The Dominican, watching from several pews behind them, gets up and proceeds to kneel next to the Jesuit. As he leans towards the Jesuit he softly inquiries; “What in the blazes is going on?” “I saw brother Rutondo walk away in disgust.”

    “I haven’t the foggiest idea. All I asked him was how long do we have to be quiet, but he didn’t even tell me….he just got up and walked away with his head shaking back and forth, never saying a word.”

    “Unbelievable!” said the Dominican.
    “He is always so pleasant to be around.”

    “I know, I know … maybe he’s not feeling well today.” said the Jesuit.

    “Could be.” said the Dominican.

    “Hey… wasn’t that a great episode of American Ninja last night?” Asked the Jesuit.

    “Sure was..” said the Dominican.

    bill bannon is right!
    You folks are talented.
    Thanks for the laugh.

  • This is an old one, I copied it from a Catholic joke site:

    A Franciscan, a Dominican and a Jesuit are transported back in time to the Birth of Our Lord. The Franciscan, seeing Almighty God become a little Child, is overcome with humility and joy. The Dominican, seeing the eternal Word become flesh, is transfixed in ecstasy.

    The Jesuit takes St. Joseph and Our Lady aside, and asks: “Have you given any thought to his education?”

  • The difference between the Dominicans, Franciscans, and Jesuits:

    The Dominican seeks out the stranger.
    To the Franciscan, there are no strangers.
    No one’s stranger than the Jesuits.

  • Pinky has my vote for the Best of the pick!?

  • I’m sorry to report that I can’t recall (or invent) something that fits this thread, but I can report that I have been calling my elderly relatives and friends (some visually impaired) and reading these aloud. You have all contributed to a lot of laughter today.

  • Not a “comparative orders” joke but one of my favorites:

    Three monks joined an order with a very strict vow of silence, which only allowed them to take turns speaking one sentence once a year on Christmas Day. After the first year, the first monk got his turn to speak and said “I hate oatmeal.” The next year, the second monk’s turn came and he said “I like oatmeal.” The year after that, the third monk’s turn came and he said “I’m so sick of this constant bickering about oatmeal!”

    A variant of the same joke has one monk receiving a chance to speak two words once a year. The first year he says “Bed lumpy.” The second year he says “Food cold”. The third year he says “I quit”. To which the abbot responds, “I’m not surprised, you’ve done nothing but complain ever since you came here!”

  • When their ship sank a Benedictine, a Dominican, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit were crowded into a small lifeboat. It had a small leak and was in ever greater danger of sinking. Unfortunately, the boat was also surrounded by sharks.

    So the Dominican, confident in the preaching prowess of his order, stood on the prow and begin to preach to the sharks about Christian charity and the virtues of vegetarianism; but his sermon was cut short by a leaping shark who consumed him in one gulp.

    Then the Benedictine stood on the prow and began to charm the sharks with a stupendous rendition of the Exsultet, but just when he got to the part about the mother bee (mater apis) another shark dispatched him with a single gulp.

    Shortly thereafter the Franciscan, climbing onto the prow, began to pray, “Blessed are you, Lord my God, for brother shark,…” when one of the sister sharks cut him off in mid-benediction.

    Soon the lifeboat sank, leaving the Jesuit in the water with the sharks. But instead of eating him, several sharks towed him to shore and cast him up on the dry land. Stunned, he turned to ask them why they had not devoured him. They replied, “Professional courtesy!”

  • If I could, I’d give you the comment of the week salute Mr. McClarey. LOL.

  • Mr. Collins I love yours about the debate between the Franciscian and the Dominican however “God, S.J.” does not qualify for this list as a statement of fact does not equal a joke.


  • A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan are kidnapped by space aliens. They are asked to explain their different orders.

    The Franciscan said, “I am a Franciscan, and we worship Christ in a spirit of poverty.”

    The Dominican said, “I am a Dominican.” He then held up his rosary and said that everything the Dominicans believed was symbolized by the Rosary.

    The Jesuit then said, “For a modest annual tuition and a few buildings, I can explain to all of your young what a Jesuit believes over 12-16 years. After that, they will explain it all to you.”

  • A Jesuit, Dominican and a Francisan decided to go to a Reason Rally held in D.C.
    The Dominican captures the attention of thirty three atheists and in the course of the afternoon converts twelve of them to Christianity. The Franciscan, in his piety and modest demeanor was able to persuade seventy two to follow him to the Basilica of the Immaculate Conception where all were baptized and confirmed Catholic.

    After two hours of listening to the guest speakers the Jesuit made up his mind that he truly was a woman stuck in a man’s body, so he scheduled sex change procedures and joined Nuns on a bus.

PopeWatch: Emeritus

Saturday, June 4, AD 2016




From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:


Catholic blogger Nicholas Robison, best known for his blog, More Catholic Than Jesus, announced today that he has officially assumed the role of Savior of the world, ending Jesus Christ’s illustrious and often controversial reign.

The stunning news comes after years of speculation from Catholic websites that Jesus Christ was no longer able to handle the rigors of the office.

“We just feel like it’s gotten pretty obvious since the Council that He’s no longer up to the task,” roommate and spokesman for Robison, Clyde Barnes, told the press. “A whole series of bad appointments, providential allowances of culture decline, and disastrous permissions of evil have convinced us that we need a fresh approach at the very top level. He’s, frankly, been a big disappointment since Vatican II and, though we respect Jesus’ many contributions to Church history, we just think it’s time for him to be put out to pasture and let a more steady hand take the wheel.”


Barnes went on to say that Robison’s first order of business as savior would be to guide Pope Francis into early retirement where he would “be free to speak off-the-cuff to himself all he wanted without any repercussions,”  and that this decision would “inevitably usher in a new age of orthodoxy once he had been replaced by Cardinal Burke.”

At press time, Robison has announced that Jesus will henceforth go by the title Jesus Emeritus Christ, and that he will remain in Paradise to live out an eternal life of contemplation.

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PopeWatch: Confusion Uber Alles

Saturday, May 21, AD 2016




From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:


Pope Francis said today that he would set up a commission to study whether or not he can find more ways to confuse and frustrate the living crap out of people, revealing an openness to re-examining the church’s long-held insistence on not speaking off-the-cuff.

His move was hailed as a breakthrough by those in the media who have clamored for years to be given more stuff to speculate on, and who cite research showing that a pope whose speeches were scripted and thought out produced nothing for the media to report on, and therefore, pointless.

But the idea will face stiff resistance from some who believe that finding out whether he can indeed find more ways to confuse people is the first step toward drinking during a General Audience, which recent popes have ruled out.


During a discussion at the Vatican on Thursday, which at one point touched on the fact that just saying that a completely absurd idea is a possibility just because you’re put on the spot is in itself absurd, Francis was asked about the possibility of an official commission to study the issue. His response was, in essence, “Why not?”

“Constituting an official commission that might study the question of how I can make the lives of Catholics defending the Church from misinformed Catholics annoying?” Pope Francis said out loud. “I believe yes. It would do good for the Church to clarify this point.”

“I accept,” the pope said later. “It seems useful to me to have a commission that would clarify whether all of my successors should also be obliged to speak without regard to already resolved matters.”

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PopeWatch: Keys

Saturday, May 14, AD 2016




From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:



Saying that he could’ve sworn he put them right there on top of the cabinet beside his bed, Pope Francis is reportedly frantically tearing up his apartment in search of his pair of keys to the Kingdom of Heaven that he misplaced sometime this afternoon.

“Oh, come on, Francis, you always do this!” an angry Francis berated himself as he tossed sheets to the floor, looked inside his freezer, and in the inside pockets of all of his vestments.  “Great, now you’re gonna be late for the General Audience. Ok, don’t panic. Just retrace your steps. You came home from Krav Maga, opened the door, threw the gym bag to the floor, and then went to shower. Where the heck did I put the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven? Man, today’s Purgatory transfers to Heaven are gonna be pissed when they find out they’re locked out.”


After looking for the keys for more than an hour, Francis reportedly made a call to Pope Emeritus Benedict, with whom he had breakfast before Krav Maga, to check whether or not he might’ve forgotten them with him.

“Nope, not with him,” Francis told EOTT after hanging up the phone. “Benedict hasn’t seen them since 2013. Pope Michael called ten minutes ago claiming he had them, but he’s just insane. Well, I suppose I’ll check beneath the bed for the twentieth time.

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2 Responses to PopeWatch: Keys

  • The only problem with Eye of the Tiber is that the reality with this pope is much stranger than the most energetic lampoonery. Buffoonery outpoints lampoonery any day:

    For example, one of P. Francis’ warmly received visits was from Venezuelan successor to Hugo Chavez, Nicolas Maduro: Here is PF giving the little devil a warm welcome to the Vatican in 2013:


    However, the Venezuelan crisis, based on an economic system of “fairness” that is wholely endorsed in PF’s Evangelii Gaudium has predictably worsened during the 3 years of his own “popewatch”:

    Even he being alarmed by the unfolding disaster, in Feb 2014, PF appealed for “sincere dialogue” to resolve the ongoing economic crisis (“Pssst, Holy Father, it’s their COMMUNIST SOCIALIST system, that you lauded in Evangelii Gaudium in Nov. 2013..”); Now, on May 2, 2016, PF wrote a letter to Maduro, asking ‘that everyone may work for the common good, seeking spaces of dialogue and cooperation with all” (“Psst, Holy Father, its COMMUNISM and SOCIALISM hat is destroying them, like the well-redistribution plan of the Paraguayan bishops that you endorsed in EG, too).
    Oh, Holy Father, you might also want to take a look at Brazil, which is now an economic basket case also thanks to now-ousted president Dilma Rousseff (who was herself a communist youth member in the 60’s and a member of a violent communist military group organized against the government) and her predecessor “Lula” (prior Red president Luis Inacio Lula da Silva, 2005-2010): the time table is like Venezuela’s under Chavez & Maduro: after about 10 years, the money completely runs out and civil war is next. (“Psst, Holy Father, its COMMUNISM and SOCIALISM hat is destroying them, like EG, which gives them cover to rip off everyone under the disguise of care for the poor. You are complicit, Holy Father: they praised EG, being kindred spirits.”) Too bad you are too Argentine-stubborn, Holy Father, to keep backing the wrong economic horse.

    To wit, we learn in the Venezuela of horrific rioting Friday May 13th from Panampost and from other sources as Venezuela has run out of money to borrow:


    Yes, an estimated crowd of 5000 or more rioted when a foodmart ran out of food in the failed state. Oil-rich Venezuela’s income has been stolen by its communist polit-bosses, esp. Maduro. The people are starving—just like in N Korea and Cuba. And a salient point for us “Norteamericanos” to be aware of, if we get 8 more years of Obama-II. Our decade is running out.

    Well, Holy Father, you have the power to change things: if you can only find your keys.

  • There you go again! Now the “purgatory” trolls will be at it. You just alerted their internet scanner servers in that forest outside Bethesda Maryland. “Purgatory? We don’t need no stinkin’ purgatory! We got our sola fide get into Heaven free tickets!” Guy McClung, San Antonio, Texas

PopeWatch: Mercy Killing

Saturday, May 7, AD 2016




From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

During his general audience this week in Saint Peter’s Square, Pope Francis announced the cancellation of the remainder of the Holy Year of Mercy, saying that the whole idea was a “complete and utter bust.”

“Let us not forget that God forgives and God forgives always,” Francis said. “But let us never forget that man does not forgive and will never forgive. That is one thing I have learned these past few months.”

Francis continued his statement, saying, “I was convinced that the whole Church, which has much need to receive mercy, would find in this jubilee the joy to rediscover and render fruitful the mercy of God. Boy, was I way off on that one. Way off. What is wrong with you people? Seriously, I considered keeping it going for a couple more months, but it’s clear you’re all too busy on your phones to rediscover and render fruitful the mercy of God. And the answer is no, liking a picture of Mother Theresa with a quote next to it on Instagram does not count as rediscovering anything but your laziness.”

The Jubilee, which was scheduled to end in November, officially ends today after the official closing ceremony, where Pope Francis is scheduled to take back all the graces Catholics received during the Jubilee, and to return them back to God.



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4 Responses to PopeWatch: Mercy Killing

PopeWatch: Invitation

Saturday, April 30, AD 2016



From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:


Just days after Catholic internet personality Michael Voris revealed that he had been actively involved in homosexuality before his reversion to the faith, sources tell EOTT that the founder of The Vortex has been inundated with emails by members of the Roman Curia inviting him to visit the Vatican.

“We thought it might do him some good to just get away for a while,” one official said. “Sometimes you just gotta get away, you know? You gotta get away with some buddies, drink some beer, shoot some pool…you know, guy stuff. Maybe toss a couple throw pillows on the floor and watch a little Guys and Dolls on DVD, Lemon Drop Martinis…”

After being asked about why the sudden interest in a man that many Church officials criticized in the past, the official said, “Criticized? Who, us? No, no, we never criticized him. He’s one of us, after all. I mean…one of us as in Catholic. He’s Catholic and we’re Catholic. One of us in that way. After all, there’s no other way for him to be one of us, but to be Catholic. And a man. We’re all straight here in the Curia is what I’m getting at. What’s that? Past life, you say? He mentioned that it was part of his past as in, no longer…Oh, I see.”

At press time, Members of the Roman Curia have withdrawn their invitations, claiming they were busy washing their hair that night.

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2 Responses to PopeWatch: Invitation

PopeWatch: Retirement

Saturday, April 23, AD 2016




From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Pope Francis, the man who helped the Church win hundreds of thousands of converts over a 20-liturgical-year career, announced Sunday that he will retire after this liturgical season, writing “this Easter is all I have left to give.”

Francis addressed the media after this week’s loss to Islam, a humiliating defeat for the Christians after Muslims handily defeated Catholics in number of children born, saying that he made his decision “a while ago.”

“I’ve known for a while,” Francis said. “A decision like this, you can’t make that decision based on outside circumstances, so finally I’ve decided to accept that I can’t actually do this anymore, and I’m OK with that. It takes a weight off my shoulders and everybody else’s, especially those trying to defend nearly everything I say or write.”

Vatican Preacher to the Papal Household Raniero Cantalamessa, speaking before Wednesday’s General Audience, emphasized that the star pope’s “purpose is to finish out this liturgical season and pray.”

“I think he still loves the Church,” Cantalamessa told reporters. “He still has a passion for it. He’s still a spiritually competitive man.”

Cantalamessa said he was “shocked” when Francis informed him last Saturday night that he was going to announce his retirement the following day.

“He kind of shocked me when he told me,” Cantalamessa said. “I’m just sad more than anything. Somebody who I truly care about, have a lot of respect for. I think it’s always hard when greatness like Francis decides to hang it up.”

Francis’ decision is not totally unexpected, given that he has said many times in recent weeks that he has considered making this liturgical season his last. After one encyclical, a post-synodal document, and numerous impromptu plane interviews, Francis’ career is officially winding down.

“With his relentless work ethic, Pope Francis is one of the greatest popes in the history of our Church,” Vatican commissioner Arnold Silver said in a statement. “Whether honing his homily skills or practicing his thurible swings after midnight in an empty Vatican gym, Francis has an unconditional love for the Church, and we will never forget him.”

At press time, Vatican officials have announced plans to retire the name “Francis” in a ceremony next month.

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2 Responses to PopeWatch: Retirement

One Response to Insults Courtesy of the Bard

  • Here is the tragedy. The supply of Shakespearean insults is woefully inadequate in comparison to the huge numbers of the insult-worthy.

PopeWatch: Fear the Dogs of God!

Saturday, April 9, AD 2016




From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:


Just a day after students at Indiana University mistook a Dominican for a member of the Ku Klux Klan, students and members of the faculty have been placed on high alert, with fears that the person in question could possibly be a devout Catholic praying on campus.

According to reports, Student Body President Allen Cheung wrote a post on Facebook saying, “There has been a person reported walking around campus in a Dominican outfit holding a rosary. Because the person is protected under first amendment rights, IUPD cannot remove this zealot from campus unless an act of violence is committed, like trying to convince students about the objective truths of Catholicism.”

“Please, PLEASE, PLEASE be careful out there tonight,” Cheung continued. “Always be with someone, and if you have no dire reason to be out of the building, I would recommend staying indoors lest you be indoctrinated.”

Other students also posted their own warnings on social media telling their roommates to keep safe and to remember that priests don’t approve of premarital sex or contraception, because of the “extreme hatred they have for anything fun or liberating.”

Indiana University officials put out a statement early this morning warning students to take proper precautions when going outdoors.

“We advise that students do not walk alone,” the statement read. “If you are confronted by the Dominican zealot, do not look him in the eyes, as this dangerous individual may attempt to convince you that you are a sinner, or worse, make you believe that not everything is acceptable just because it makes you feel good. Furthermore, should you run into this medieval time traveler, please remember atrocities he committed during the Spanish Inquisition, and that he has been trained in the art of manipulation and torture. If you are accused of being a witch or a Jew, admit nothing, and run to the nearest safe-space and call for help.”

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9 Responses to PopeWatch: Fear the Dogs of God!

  • Warning, do not attempt to ward off this evil man with a crucifix–it only makes him more powerful.

  • Dominicans, they ain’t nothing but God’s hound dogs! They catch heretics, not rabbits!

  • In his remarkable first novel; Paranoia of the Paranormal, Dr.Ho Chen Wasabi expounded upon this phenomena that we witnessed at IU.
    The fear of being vs. the fear of thinking, is clearly evident at the nightmarish event.
    Sources close to the Obama administration have leaked that a movie made for television is in the works. The same sources indicate Tom Hanks will play the Evil Dominican and Michelle Obama is to play the dietician on the IU campus.

    Hopefully, with help from Hollywood, we can make others aware of this plague sweeping into university’s everywhere.

    PLEASE. PLEASE tell your friends and neighbors. Today, Rosary whips…tomorrow torture kneelers.

  • The worst part about this story is that I now have that Polish Dominican contrafactum of “Bad Romance.”

    Ya-ya ah ah ah ha, ya ya ah ah ah ha, Do-mini- kie-nay!

    (Note: avoid the comments for any version of the video you find on an English language site. It will likely make you think badly of others.)

  • If I wrote for Eye of the Tiber, I would have gone with “Klan Rally Disrupted by Rumored Priest Sighting”.

  • Cry “Havoc!” And let slip the dogs of God, . . .

  • Note to editor, making entire paragraphs into links is bad practice. The title of the article or the name of the website is sufficient.

    If you are accused of being a witch…
    –Eye of the Tiber

    Tsk, tsk, Mr. Eye. Witch hunting was a Protestant pastime. Where the Inquisition operated, there was virtually none of that.

  • Micha-The Barry Soetoro Admn is considering investigating the “climate heretics.” Seems to me to have a heresy, you have to first have a religion. To have witches, you must first have believers. Next- vaccination heretics, flouride heretics, then hunt down those who say Velveeta is not food. Guy McClung, San Antonio,Texas

  • Micha- if I remember right, since they applied the cutting edge in investigative principles, the Inquisition in Spain did investigate several accusations of Witchcraft.
    They just required evidence beyond “everybody knows.”
    In one case, the supposed witch accused himself, claimed to be able to pass through key holes, and was chased around the room by an Inquisitor with a broom who was yelling at him to vanish through a keyhole. (All details besides inquisitor, self-claimed, and chased with broom being told to go through a keyhole I’m not entirely sure of.)

PopeWatch: Holes and Pegs

Saturday, April 2, AD 2016




From the only reliable source of Catholic News on the net, Eye of the Tiber:



WASHINGTON––In an interview with CNN’s Erin Burnett, former President Jimmy Carter talked about his letter to mathematicians. In it, Carter called on leading mathematicians to support efforts to fit square pegs in round holes.

“I asked them to join with me in doing some of these things to prevent inequality, and to prevent segregation between figures, and to prevent unnecessary discrimination between different types of shapes, and to prevent things of that kind,” Carter said.

The former president went on to say that there was a movement towards equality in the geometric community, but that mathematicians had done much to support discrimination by ‘ordaining’ that squares were not equal to circles:

“This has been done and still is done by the mathematic community ever since the dawn of geometry, when mathematicians ordained that a circle cannot fit into a square, for instance, but another square can. A circle can fit into a circle, but it can’t fit into a square. This is wrong, I think.”

The geometric community has come out in defense of only squares fitting into square holes saying that the former president “grossly misunderstands” geometry.

“Carter’s comments about the role of squares shows a gross misunderstanding of geometry,” a spokesman for the mathematic community Ashley Thompson told EOTT this morning. “As math teachers across the globe continue to remind us, a square is a plane figure with four equal straight sides and four right angles. They have a very important role in geometry. But their role is not to be a circle or even to attempt to fit into a circle.”

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14 Responses to PopeWatch: Holes and Pegs

  • Carter walking, talking proof for the adage, “Only the good die young.” Now, I need to go to Confession.

  • Mathematicians just don’t get it!
    The Alliance for Free and Equal Shapes, TAFES, are making great headway bringing this discrimination to the public eye. Having a former President of the United States of America speaking out on this issue will catapult this dehumanizing and insensitive topic out from the shadows of drawers and containers everywhere.

    This Grassroots movement has empowered the trapezoidal community too. For a very long time they were looked upon as odd and substandard, but now they too are coming out of the containers. They to want to……fit in. 🙁

    Fear not TAC. Ovals are content being ovals

  • Comment of the week Philip! Take ‘er away Sam!

  • I was afraid my exuberance for this news would disgust readers that frequent your blog. The possibility of being banished from future contributions did cross my mind, but to my surprise you throw in Sam. 🙂

  • Not at all. PopeWatch has always been in favor of mathematical social justice for geometrical forms.

  • This type of acceptance could change the physical world is ways only Joe Biden could conceive. Astonishing!

  • Dizzy gold-digger blondes, if we are to believe such mysterious creatures exist, are living proof that diamonds can merge perfectly with squares. If a wife is involved, then the theorem also works for triangles.

  • Philip: “…only Joe Biden could conceive…”
    Now you do know he’s pro-choice, don’t you?

  • Joe Biden is pro-choice?

    I’ve commented for three years or so on the (c)atholic politicians that support death and still go happily to the communion rail without any detriment from clergy. Canon 915 is only good if it’s used. So rare is this Canon that the majority of Catholic’s believe it’s fine and dandy to support a death squad President; (see O’bummer.)

    Yes. I know Joe and Nancy and the (c)atholic unfaithful. Intrinsically evil? They don’t give a heck.

  • I used to read mathematical magazines that were geared toward those teaching advanced mathematics. A correspondent wrote in one magazine:

    “Someone wrote on the wall in the men’s room in the mathematics building:
    2 + 2 = 5, for large values of 2”

    I think our politicians would understand.

  • Perhaps President Carter doesn’t appreciate the difference in meaning between the words distinction and discrimination.

  • TomD, “Someone wrote on the wall in the men’s room in the mathematics building:
    2 + 2 = 5, for large values of 2”

    I wonder who has ambition so small, to post his theorem on the toilet-room wall.

  • When John Nash co-invented the game Hex at Princeton, his friends almost called it John, in part because they often used the hexagonal tiles on the floor of the men’s room to play it.

  • TomD, Talk of humble beginnings. We wonder if checkers had as checkered a past.