5

Donall and Conall Teach Richard Dawkins About Circular Arguments

 

From those twisted folks at The Lutheran Satire.  Dawkins, and others of his mindset, attempt to erect Science as a substitute religion, even as they absolutely refuse to seriously entertain the truth of Hamlet’s observation:    There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.  Attempting to turn the intellectual instrument of Science into a religion underlines this statement from CS Lewis that looks increasingly prophetic as the years roll by:

“Men became scientific because they expected Law in Nature, and they expected Law in Nature because they believed in a Legislator. In most modern scientists this belief has died: it will be interesting to see how long their confidence in uniformity survives it. Two significant developments have already appeared—the hypothesis of a lawless sub-nature, and the surrender of the claim that science is true. We may be living nearer than we suppose to the end of the Scientific Age.”  

11

PopeWatch: Banished

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just months after igniting a firestorm for preaching Catholic doctrine from the pulpit, local priest Fr. Keith Crowell was reassigned to the diocese’s smallest parish “out in the sticks,” a source from the diocese is reporting.

It was three months ago when Crowell was caught on video denying that the miracle of the loaves and fishes ought to be attributed to the multitudes after they shared the little food the apostles had to distribute, as opposed to the long held belief that Christ literally multiplied the food. The video quickly went viral, with many protesting outside of his church and calling for his dismissal.

“Yeah, we weren’t exactly shocked to learn that Fr. Crowell was being reassigned to our parish,” said parishioner Jacob Denver from Crowell’s new church. “We get all the orthodox ones. It’s crap. Any time there’s a fundamentally solid priest pissing off the bishop, they send him to us because there’s a lot less of us to indoctrinate. It’s hard being a Catholic in the boonies, I’ll admit that. Sometimes I just wish we could move into a rich suburban area where we won’t have to constantly be nagged about confession and stuff like that. We’ll just be nagged about giving more money and be left alone after that. Not a bad trade off.” Continue Reading

1

PopeWatch: Jesus

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

In an unprecedented move, more than 100 prominent San Francisco based Roman Catholics signed a petition and ran a full-page ad Friday calling on God to remove Jesus from the Trinity for fostering “an atmosphere of division and intolerance.”

The plea follows months of dissent within the archdiocese over Jesus’ emphasis on traditional, conservative doctrine, including asking all Catholics to accept that both sex outside of marriage as well as homosexual relations are “gravely evil.”

In their open letter to the God, Jesus critics say his morality-clause push is not only mean-spirited, but that it “sets a pastoral tone that is closer to persecution than evangelization.”

San Francisco Catholic Leonard Nibbi, who signed the letter, said the Second Person of the Trinity “is just causing a lot of discord, especially with the young people in the diocese.”

“The crux of our worry is that the faithful are going to become very disenchanted and stop going to church because they don’t like the message that Jesus sent when he preached the kingdom of God some 2,000 years ago,” Nibbi said.

According to a source familiar with the drafting of the open letter to God, the frustrated Catholics first considered running the ad weeks ago. They held off while they appealed to saints, including John the Evangelist and Mary Magdalene, to address their concerns. When nothing came of that, they went public.

Incidentally, don’t expect Jesus to start soft-pedaling his opposition to same-sex marriage. He’s encouraging Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone of San Francisco to join him at a large march in Washington D.C. in favor of “traditional” marriage on April 25. Continue Reading

3

PopeWatch: Illuminati

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

In a private meeting with cloaked members of the Illuminati this morning, Pope Francis reportedly signed a two-year extension to his pontificate, with a 3-year possible extension after that.

The Illuminati, who has run the Church behind the scenes since the 1700’s, reported that, although Francis’ pontificate could still end whenever they saw fit, that Francis was for now technically guaranteed at least a few more years.

“Our society has found his contributions good up till now, which is why we’ve decided to allow him a few more years,” an anonymous member of The Ancient and Illuminated Seers of Bavariato told EOTT in an exclusive interview. “His desire for a new world order has very much impressed us, and we hope that he continues his work to help us take over the world.”

The source went on to say that they had considered giving Francis a longer extension, but that they were weary of doing so ever since the “Benedict debacle.”

According to the source, the Vatican is scheduled to have “underground meetings” with members of the United Nations, the International Monetary Fund, the World Bank, as well as President Obama this fall to discuss how best to proceed with the brainwashing of the unsuspecting masses.

“It is our belief that, with Grand Mage Francis at the helm of one of our numerous tentacles, so to speak, that he will continue his work to convince the Catholic masses that various world markets working, more or less, separately from one another, will one day lead to a global crash. In the meantime, we, the private members of the elite, in conjunction with leaders of the world’s major banks will continue to create inflations and recessions in order to manipulate the world markets, thus proving Francis’ theories. Then, when the global economic crisis has been created, we will manage the crises, which we hope will convince the masses that a New World Order run by us is the best option and only option.” Continue Reading

6

PopeWatch: Emoji

EMOJI-e1428618013211

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

The Vatican announced today that Pope Francis has approved a new emoji translation of the Mass to help young adults more actively follow along during church services.

“We’ve found that most young adults can no longer read complete sentences or even complete words,” said Vatican spokesman Ronaldo Bernini, going to say that the minority of young adults that can read, cannot do so fast enough to keep up with the blistering pace of the Mass. “We still have some work to do before the final version comes out. We’ve hired over one hundred teenagers to look over the new missal and to see whether, for instance, our choice of a clover is the best emoji for the word consubstantial.”

Bernini said that he hopes the new missal will not only help young adults better understand the Mass, but that it might also help parents learn how to tell their children that they love and miss them without having to “navigate the treacherous waters of actually having to talk.” Continue Reading

6

PopeWatch: Liquefy

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just days after St. Gennaro’s blood liquefied after Pope Francis kissed the relic in Naples, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI told EOTT that he would be able to” liquefy the entire thing if really wanted to.”

In an exclusive interview with EOTT this morning, the former pope said that the same vial of hardened blood had not liquefied when he kissed it in 2007 simply because he hadn’t tried to liquefy it hard enough.

“If I had wanted it to liquefy, you better believe I would’ve liquefied the heck out of that thing,” Benedict said as he clenched his fists and bent his neck to the side to crack it. “You wanna know something? I think it started liquefying for Francis until it realized it wasn’t me kissing it, and so it stopped. I’m not saying that as fact…it’s just a theory going around.”

Benedict went on to say that not only would he be able to liquefy the entire vial of blood, but also the vial and reliquary as well. Continue Reading

6

PopeWatch: Papal Evenglow Lodge

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Following comments made by Pope Francis last week stating that he felt his pontificate could possibly last no longer than two or three years, the Vatican announced today that they have opened a multi-million dollar retirement community for emeritus popes.

The news comes just days after Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI told EOTT that he would welcome another former pope into his residence, so long as the incoming pope did not have cat allergies.

The former pope’s personal secretary, Archbishop Georg Ganswein, told EOTT that due to both Francis and Benedict’s insistence on getting the bottom bunk and other issues, the Vatican decided to simply open a retirement community to give incoming popes their own space.

“We hope that the new community will help accommodate what we believe will soon become an influx of retired popes,” Ganswein said. “The community will be able to hold up to ten popes, and will offer many exciting activities such as Canasta tournaments and shuffle-board. We also intend to bring in young adults from around Rome to visit and talk to some of our elderly popes.” Continue Reading

18

PopeWatch: Squeeze

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

At a press conference today in the nation’s capital, Cardinal Emeritus Roger Mahoney of Los Angeles announced that the USCCB is petitioning the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Sacraments to require that parishioners give a “good, humanity affirming squeeze” following the doxology which concludes the Lord’s Prayer during Mass.

“God’s people have been spontaneously doing this for years anyway,” Mahoney told EOTT, “We just want to bring uniformity by removing the awkward part. The people will now proudly raise their hands, which are held together as they have been doing, but when they finish praying ‘for thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever, amen,’ they will give that last squeeze, which is meant to communicate, ‘Don’t worry friend…I’m here for you until the very end of Mass.’” Continue Reading

9

PopeWatch: Henry VIII

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Sources in the Vatican are now confirming that Pope Francis has agreed to posthumously grant King Henry VIII an annulment from Catherine of Aragon. Numerous reports have come out in the past couple of days about the possibility of such a move, with aides close to Queen Elizabeth telling EOTT that such a decision on the Vatican’s part would essentially end the centuries old schism.

Media outlets in England are also reporting that once the annulment takes effect, that Queen Elizabeth will relinquish her claim as “Defender of the Faith and Supreme Governor of the Church of England.”

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, spoke to the media today, saying, “This is, indeed, an historic moment, and I shall welcome reunion with Rome. Everyone must understand that all the shite we we’ve been doing with regards to the ordination of women and openly-homosexual men has only been in retaliation.” Welby went on to confirm that he would “stop the charade” once the decree of nullity was made official. Continue Reading

3

PopeWatch: ISIS

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Ahead of a planned assault on Italy by the Islamic State, members of ISIS met with leaders in the Italian gay community for a one day summit/pizza party in Pisa, Italy today.

Officials from both sides held a press conference earlier this morning, telling reporters that they were meeting in regards to ISIS plans to throw homosexuals off the Leaning Tower of “Pizza.”  Members of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria admitted to reporters after hours negotiations over cheese pizza at the Italian restaurant Chuck E. Formaggio, that the homosexuals were actually a pretty fun crowd to be around.

“We came to the summit to strike fear in their hearts,” one ISIS member told the press. “We were really looking forward to throwing them off the ‘Tower of Pizza,’ but once they started talking, it was like, we still disagree with their lifestyle choices, but they’re really sweet. A couple of the homosexuals were telling us about how to make the perfect quiche and how to drape ISIS flags around our shoulders without wrinkling them, and we all kinda just looked at each other. We knew right then that no one was getting thrown off the Tower.”

The ISIS member went on to explain how, after a few pizza’s, they all went out to a night club and “danced the night away,” and calling them “a real sassy bunch.”

At press time, ISIS officials plan to meet with the largest gay community in Rome tomorrow when they visit with members of the Roman Curia. Continue Reading

1

PopeWatch: Fifth Chances

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

VATICAN––It was reported earlier this week that an outgoing Argentinian born man, whose every single word is misconstrued and misrepresented by friends in the media, has for some reason, resolved to give them an additional 12,000 more words to have fun with. “If you think about it, what’s the worst that could happen?” said the man as he neglected to write down even just a handful of key statements that he could use during the interview so as to avoid the chance that someone misunderstand what he trying to say. “Sure, up till now every single, solitary word or sentence I’ve said, be it from the pulpit or plane, has allowed those who hate the Church to twist the meaning of what I actually meant…but you know, I believe in fifth chances.” At press time, the man has agreed upon an upcoming Mad Libs type interview with MSNBC, in which he would send the media outlet a dozen thousand word statement about Catholic moral teaching, with select words and sentences removed to allow easier room to misrepresent. Continue Reading

17

Gator’s Back on the Menu

 

 

 

Father Z advises us of this taste treat for our Lenten repasts:

 

:

I have posted on this in the past, but repetita iuvant as we say in Latin.

ORIGINAL:

Someone sent me a copy of a letter written by the Archbishop of New Orleans to a member of his flock about eating alligator during Lent.  The answer is “yes”.  You may eat alligator during Lent.

This is old news to readers of this blog, of course.  Last year I posted this, which ought to have settled the whole thing:

QUAERITUR: Abstinentia de carne lacertina aut crocodrillina

Ex lectoris e-pistulis extractum:

Reverendo patro Ioanni Zuhlsdorfo discipulus C. salutem et commemorationem in precibus suis. Gratias meas, sivis, ob opum tuam tibi agere volo. [Acceptae.] Mihi, catholico iuveni et discipulo in collegio liberalum artis et liberalum (aut impudicarum) mentum, scripturae tuae magnam auxilium fuerunt. Mox Ludovicianam meabo. Quaeritur: Sineturne corpus alligatoris feria VI in Quadregesima sine violando abstinentiam Quadragesimae edere?

Ossificatus manualista impoenitens respondeo de paginis Compendii Theologiae Moralis (Sabetti-Barrett) n. 331, :

Nomine carnis veniunt omnia animalia in terra viventia ac respirantia, ut communiter admittunt theologi ex regula tradita a S. Thoma vel, ut S. Alphonsus innuit, n. 1011, animalia quae sanguinem habent calidum; vel illud quod consuetudo regionis ut carnem habet; vel, si nec consuetudo praesto sit, dubium solvi potest considerando mentem Ecclesiae in sanciendo delectu ciborum, ut comprimendae ac minuendae carnis concupiscentiae per salutarem abstinetiam consuleret; examinetur, an huiusmodi animal simile sit aut dissimile iis quorum esus interdictus est et an illius carnes humano corpori validius nutriendo et roborando idoneae dignoscantur; et si ita appareat, ista caro inter vetitas est ponenda. Benedict XIV., De syn. dioec., lib.11, c. 5, n. 12. Haec quatuor multum deservient omni dubitationi solvendae.

Ergo, crocodrilli et lacertae inter reptilia sunt et amphibia.

Edi ergo possunt feriis sextis et tempore Quadragesimae

Omnibus tamen diebus ab eis edimur!

So, there you have it.

You can eat alligator and crocodile on Fridays of Lent.

Continue Reading

9

Lego Luther

Leggo Luther

 

I don’t know who is more horrified by this,  Martin Luther or I:

Playmobil has found a new best-selling figurine in the unlikely character of the 16th century Protestant reformer Martin Luther.

Continue Reading

4

PopeWatch: Memory

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The World Over Live anchor Raymond Arroyo apologized Wednesday for falsely claiming that he had been aboard a ship that was hit by a cannonball during the battle of Lepanto in 1571, EOTT is reporting.

On last Friday night’s broadcast, Arroyo cited “a terrible moment a few centuries back during the Holy League’s war against the Ottoman Empire when the ship I was traveling aboard began to sink after being hit by a cannonball. I was rescued, surrounded and kept alive by two ships from the Papal States.”

This week, several historians told EOTT that Arroyo had not been in a shipwreck, but that he had arrived centuries later.

On Wednesday, Arroyo conceded that he was not aboard the cannonballed ship, but he told reporters that he did not intentionally make the mistake.

“I would not have chosen to make this mistake,” Arroyo said. “I don’t know what screwed up in my mind that caused me to conflate one century with another. But I believe it began years ago when I was reading a book about the battle. I remember that I was sitting in the jacuzzi at the time and was surrounded by water, very much like the ships were doing during the battle. It was also hot in there, like some of the ships that caught fire that bloody day. I simply misremembered the event. I apologize to the entire fleet of the Holy League, and in particular, Don John of Austria and Miguel de Cervantes.” Continue Reading

2

PopeWatch: Call it Bunny Love

 

 

 

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Just days after Pope Francis made statements supporting the Church’s ban on artificial means of birth control, media outlets from across the globe are now reporting that the “progressive” pope has finally overturned the Church’s long-standing ban on contraception for bunnies.

Speaking with reporters on a flight Monday from the Philippines to Rome, Francis encouraged Catholics to use natural family planning so as not to breed like rabbits, before going on to add that rabbits would, from now on, be allowed the use of certain forms of artificial birth control.

MSNBC Vatican analyst Reese Moore reported that although the Church’s ban on humans using birth control has sadly not been overturned, that bunny contraception was a step in the right direction.

“This is certainly a step in the right direction,” Moore told EOTT this morning. “It appears to be an unprecedented statement that bunnies too may have a moral responsibility to limit the number of their offspring. When the Pope makes a statement saying that rabbits need not breed like rabbits, it appears as though the Pope is asking rabbits world-wide to look at Catholics as an example of responsible parenthood. I firmly believe that Pope Francis is testing the waters here for something truly groundbreaking.” Continue Reading

6

PopeWatch: Preventive Clarification

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Speaking to journalists at his residence inside the Vatican this morning, Pope Emeritus Benedict answered journalists’ questions concerning the currently debated question of whether or not the use of preventive clarifications is acceptable for Papal interviews.

“It is important not to attribute simplistically the comments made by the Pope during many of his off-the-cuff interviews to error,” Benedict said. “That would be a great inaccuracy. It is true that the history of this Pope contains a tendency to say random things that seem to anger some traditional Catholic sensibilities, but the fact is that he has not gone against the traditions of his predecessors.”

A  journalists from EOTT pressed him, asking the former head of the Catholic Church if the Catechism of the Catholic Church permits “preventive clarifications” in exceptional cases.

“The concept of preventive clarification does not appear in the Catechism,” Benedict stated, adding in clarification, “We cannot simply say that the Catechism does not justify clarifications of what Francis is going to say, but it is true that the Catechism has developed a doctrine which on one hand does not deny that man does have free will, that the Pope is a man, and therefore he, as man, can say things without considering how quickly the media can and will jump on anything he says without a second thought. The problem that we face, of course, is that Francis does not stick to script, but rather, tends to trail off into a wide variety of topics, so that even if we can justify preventive clarifications, how could the Vatican know beforehand when it’s time to clarify a yet-to-be-said statement, or what it is exactly that they are about to clarify? These are many of the questions that must be discussed.” Continue Reading

15

PopeWatch: Rabbits and Hares

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber :

Just a day after Pope Francis told Catholics that they should not feel like they have to breed “like rabbits” because of the Church’s ban on contraception, an American Imam today echoed the Pope’s words, urging Catholics to listen to their spiritual leader.

“Yes, that sounds like an excellent idea,” the Imam reportedly said this morning. “Having many Catholic children is such a burden, and the Catholic world is so overpopulated already. One Catholic child, maybe two, is plenty to bring into the world. Maybe none at all is best.”

The Imam, who has a meager 8 children himself, praised the progressive culture of Europe, where both marriage and child-bearing have reached an all-time low in most countries. “When it comes down to it, a Catholic is really being selfish when bringing more people to suffer in this world. Contraception, even abortion, is really the best option for Catholics.” The Imam concluded, “On the other hand, in a generation or so none of this will matter anyway.” Continue Reading

8

PopeWatch: Clarification

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

En route to the Philippines from Sri Lanka yesterday, Pope Francis said that he was ready to “punch” anyone who insults his mother, showing that there are limits to freedom of expression.

“We have a duty to speak openly. To have this freedom, but without offending. It’s true that you cannot react with violence, but if my aide Doctor Gasbarri, who is a friend, badmouths my mother, a punch would be coming for him,” Francis said before holding up a finger and asking those present to hold on a second. “Hold on…let me take that back. I would not punch him in the face. At least not at first. First, I would kick him in the n–s. Then a knee in the face would be coming for him. After this, I would have many options. I could put him in a headlock, a figure-four leg lock, a vice grip, the Colossal Clutch, the Turantual, the Boston Crab…any of these maneuvers would help to rectify the wrong said about my mother.”

Francis went on to beg those seated around him to “try” him if they did not believe him, saying, “try me…say one thing, I beg you…pleeeeaase say something!” Continue Reading

20

Ferrara v. Shea

 

 

Break out the popcorn!  The latest in the longstanding Ferrara v. Shea feud:

 

 

The “Francis effect” appears to be driving Mark Shea over the edge as he doggedly stays the neo-Catholic course of defending the indefensible no matter how indefensible it becomes. Given a Pope who has just cooperated with the Abortion President to sell out the oppressed Catholics of Cuba, with thanks from both Obama and Cuba’s communist dictator, and who approved a synodal document calling for appreciation of the “positive elements” in concubinage and “valuing” the “orientation” and the “gifts and qualities” of “homosexual persons,” Shea is now faced with a growing army of messengers that have to be shot, including a few cardinals and bishops.

Shea is beside himself over a searing critique of this pontificate by Maureen Mullarkey that appeared in—oh the horror!—First Things. He cannot believe it: “This was not written on a bathroom wall where it belongs.  It was not published on some blog published from Ignatius Reilly’s basement.  This was published by First Freakin’ Things.” Yes, First Freakin’ Things, the preeminent journal of “moderate” Catholic opinion that could never be accused of “rad trad” leanings.A bewildered Shea wants to know: “First Things: What happened to you guys?” Francis happened, that’s what. Now, if Shea were a reasonable man he would recognize that there just might be a serious problem with this pontificate when even First Things begins voicing objections to such elements of the Bergoglian program as “his clumsy intrusion into the Middle East and covert collusion with Obama over Cuba” and his “sacralizing politics and bending theology to premature, intemperate policy endorsements”—a reference to Francis posing between two environmental activists while holding an anti-fracking T-shirt.

Continue Reading

1

PopeWatch: A Big Raffle

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

As spiritual leader of over 1.2 billion Catholics, Pope Francis has received hundreds of gifts from devotees and world leaders since his election in 2013. But now Pope Francis is cleaning out his closet and raffling off items that range from a Fiat to the papacy to raise money for the poor, according to the Holy See.

The pope’s raffle of items that not only include the papacy, but will also reportedly include every item in the Vatican Library, as well as every member of the Curia, will end this Thursday when the winning numbers will be announced on the Vatican website.

Among the 13 items Francis is giving away are a leather suitcase, a Homero Ortega Panama-style hat, an espresso coffee machine, the Chair of St. Peter, the Basilica of Santa Maria Maggiore, and Cardinal Burke. Continue Reading

11

Thoughts

Pope Francis and Pope Emeritus

 

An interesting picture of the Pope and the Pope Emeritus.  Let’s have some fun with it!  Time to write thought balloons.  An example:

Pope Francis:  I wonder if he is jealous about the slobbering media coverage I receive!

Pope Benedict:  I wonder if he is jealous that I no longer have to care a fig about the media!

 

Contribute your thought balloons in the comboxes.

Law School Was A Natural

Devil Advocate

Hattip to Instapundit.  I tend not to read much fiction, but I will make an exception for this, which takes a look at the parents of a very unique precious snowflake:

 

Alan and I knew instantly that our child was exceptional. He was just so adorable, with his pentagram birthmark and little, grasping claws. His red eyes gleamed with intelligence. When the doctors came in with all their charts, they just confirmed what we already knew. Our child was “one of a kind” and “unlike any creature born of man.”

Alan and I were ecstatic — but also a little bit nervous. Raising a gifted child is a huge responsibility. And we were determined not to squander Ben’s talents. We vowed then and there that we would do all we could to ensure he achieved his full potential.

The first step was getting him into the right preschool. We figured it would be a breeze, given Ben’s obvious star quality. But, to our great surprise, he struggled with the interview requirement. At Trevor Day, a teacher asked him how old he was. Instead of saying “three,” he gored open her stomach and then pinned her to the ceiling with his mind. We were able to get him an interview at Trinity, thanks to a family connection. But when Ben saw the crucifix in the lobby, his eyes turned black and the walls wept blood. Why was Ben behaving this way? There was only one logical explanation: attention deficit disorder. We took him to a specialist on Park Avenue, and within five minutes our son had his first prescription for Ritalin.

************************************************

The Kilmax, I noticed, had produced several troubling side effects. Ben’s eyes — usually so bright and searing — had dimmed to a pale ocher. His horns were pointed downward and his fur was falling out in clumps. I was telling him about another option — the birthright trip to Israel — when he suddenly held up his claw, cutting me off midsentence.

“No . . . more.”

I screamed for Alan, and he came running.

“Ben spoke!” I cried. We leaned in toward our son, keeping as still as possible. Ben gasped a few times, obviously struggling. Eventually, though, he managed to continue.

“No more . . . arrrrrgh! Pleeeeeaseeeearrrrrgh! Me . . . not . . . sick. Me . . . arrrrrrrgh! Monster. Let . . . be . . . monster. Let be monster.”

My eyes filled with tears. I’d always assumed that Ben would never talk — and now here he was, carrying on a full conversation!

If Ben could master language, there was no limit to what he could achieve. I whipped out my iPhone and typed in Han’s number from memory.

It was time to start thinking about law school. Continue Reading

17

PopeWatch: Demonic Cats

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

From the only accurate source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Pope Francis continues to show he’s not your average pope. During a public appearance this afternoon, Francis attempted to comfort a girl whose cat had died, saying, “One day, we will see our animals again in the eternity of Christ. Paradise is open to all of God’s creatures. All of them except for cats. In that case, little girl, the only way you will see your cat again is if you reject God’s grace and end up in hell.”

The Pope’s comment has reignited a debate on the subject, with the Humane Society saying that if Pope Francis believes animals have souls, then “we ought to seriously consider how we treat them,” a representative said. “We have to admit that all animals, save for cats, panda bears, and sloths are sentient beings, and they mean something to God.” Continue Reading

10

PopeWatch: The Force

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

VATICAN — Vatican television took the liturgical world by storm last Friday by giving Catholics their very first official look at a short teaser trailer from the upcoming papal Christmas Mass.

Focusing much of the trailer on new cantors and deacons that will play a role in the Mass, the 88-second Christmas Mass teaser had many excited about Christmas. But along with those feelings of Christmas ecstasy came some controversy with liturgical purists about the Pope’s unique new crossgaurd lightsaber crosier, which has consequently polarized many die-hard fans of the Mass.

Many of the complaints and cynicism stem from the belief that the new crosier is just a cheap Vatican “it looks cool” thought process and that having these side-angled blades would just put the Pope at risk of cutting himself during the entrance procession.

“Popes haven’t had crosiers like this before, so why now?” asked one blogger. “It’s gotta be to sell more merchandise. It’s Christmas season after all and the Church could be using this as a way to sell more of their line of papal action figures.”

Many say that the “Crosier 2.0” has a major flaw in the design, saying that the light emitter sticks out  inches before the laser quillion begins on each side of the crosier, meaning that the little emitters could simply be severed off if it came in contact with another crossguard lightsaber crosier, and if that crosier were to slide down the main shaft.

The Vatican has come out in defense of the new crosier, with an inside source saying that there is no chance of severing off the side emitters because a Mass typically does not have more than one person carrying a crosier. He also went on to explain why the crosier’s cross guard works.

“The crosier lightsaber beam goes all the way through the handle so even if you cut off the metal, the beam is still there. It’s really not that hard to figure out.” Continue Reading

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Remembrance of Turkeys Past

As we prepare for Thanksgiving tomorrow, and as we recall our blessings and thank God for each and every one, let us also remember the humble turkey and the various disasters that result when that proud bird is not treated with the care that it deserves, dead or alive.    Oldtimers like myself will recognize the above video as part of the famous “Turkey Drop” episode from WKRP, a sitcom from the Seventies.

 

Of course Turkey Disasters are not, unfortunately, restricted to the realm of fiction.    Deep frying a turkey poses various risks.

Here we have a case of the flaming avian:

 

 

William Shatner warns of the dangers of deep frying turkeys:

 

Of course there are those among us who revel in the destructive possibilities of cooking turkey.

If deep fry a turkey you must, follow these tips: Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Did I Just Say What?

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

VATICAN–Speaking to pilgrims during his weekly Wednesday audience yesterday, Pope Francis admitted that he was kind of having a hard time making any kind of sense whatsoever of what he just said.

The Pontiff, who has been known to make off the cuff remarks in the past, told those gathered in St. Peter’s Square that what he just said was “admittedly kind of weird.”

“I said what?” Francis asked those gathered. “There’s no way I just said that. OK, that’s just weird. Seriously, what the heck is it with me? Am I trying to change doctrine or something? How am I gonna explain this to my secular friends? Oh boy, I can see their faces now. I bet they’re just itching to ask when I’m gonna start allowing divorced gay Catholics to receive communion. This is great…just great. I’m so freaking pissed right now I think I’m gonna go blog about it.” Continue Reading

PopeWatch: Next Election

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Ahead of the next Papal Elections, many Cardinals have begun to distance themselves from the Pope, whose approval rating amongst traditional leaning Catholics is at an all-time low.

As these Cardinals are beginning to focus on their possible election to the throne of St. Peter, they are increasingly calculating how close is too close to an unpopular Pope Francis.

The Pope’s dismal poll ratings with traditional minded Catholics could sink many cardinal’s hopes for becoming next in line to become Vicar of Christ, especially with battleground bishops and swing cardinals.

“If he is where he is now for the remainder of his papacy, it’s not going to work for liberal cardinals who want to impress members of the Collage of Cardinals on the right,” said Cardinal Raymond Burke who stated earlier this year that he would not seek election during the next conclave. “I think that if the next conclave goes to the right, that it will be more of a referendum on Pope Francis’ loose words, then on a conservative agenda.”

Some right-leaning cardinals are also keeping their distance from next year’s Synod on the Family after recent remarks made by Pope Francis regarding the easing up of the annulment process so that any Catholic wanting an annulment can have one by simply turning to their spouse at anytime and saying the words, “thou are art banish’d.” Continue Reading

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The Modern World is Going to Hell: A Continuing Series: The Trashy Vermin of the Apocalypse

The  fifth in my series of posts in which I give rants against trends that have developed in society since the days of my youth, the halcyon days of the seventies, when leisure suits and disco were sure signs that society was ready to be engulfed in a tide of ignorance, bad taste and general buffoonery.

We have started off the series with a look at seven developments that I view as intensely annoying and proof that many people lack the sense that God granted a goose.  I like to refer to these as  The Seven Hamsters of the Apocalypse, minor evils that collectively illustrate a society that has entered a slough of extreme stupidity.  Each of the Seven Hamsters will have a separate post.  We have already discussed here the Tattooed Vermin,  here the Pierced Vermin, here the F-Bomb Vermin and here the Texting Vermin.  The fifth of the Hamsters is the Trashy Vermin.

I grew up in a blue collar family in which money was never plentiful.  ( I loved the old Jackie Gleason show The Honeymooners.  It was a howlingly funny show and they were more broke than we were.)   However, my parents always found money in our budget to make sure that all of us had good clothes to wear for Church and special occasions.  “Good clothes” meant a suit and tie for Dad, a nice dress for Mom, and sports jackets and ties for myself and my brother.  Now I know those of you born after 1980 will find this hard to credit, but we were not uncommon in that regard.  At Mass virtually every one was dressed that way.  (I still dress that way, and it is uncommon enough  that a visiting priest brought how I was dressed to my attention as I entered Church with my family a few years ago.)  Evidence of this is clear in the movies from the period.  For example, we have the film Blackboard Jungle (1955), which at the time was thought to be a shocking look at juvenile delinquency. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Jenky v. Dolan

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

A verbal battle between two Catholic leaders over the body of legendary Archbishop Fulton Sheen has put the former television personality’s sainthood campaign on hiatus.

The bishop of Peoria,  Illinois, Bishop Daniel Jenky, has been working to beatify Sheen for some time, but all that came to an unexpected hiatus this week when Cardinal Timothy Dolan of New York reportedly told Jenky to “Back up before you gets smacked the heck up.”

In a letter to Jenky, the New York archdiocese issued a statement saying that Dolan opposes the “dismemberment of the Archbishop’s body” for the purpose of collecting relics, and concluded it by inviting Jenky “if he so dared,” to try to take even one step on “Dolan’s turf.”

Spokesman for the New York Diocese John Frank told EOTT today that Dolan was saddened by accusations leveled on him by the Peoria bishop, and said that since Jenky was “itchin’ for a stitchen’,” that the New York Diocese would accommodate him and set up a bare knuckle, mixed martial arts throw down in the octagon.

Even the Vatican office that oversees the creation of saints hasn’t been able to resolve the unusually public dispute between New York and Peoria, but have shown a lot of interest in the MMA fight between the two bishops.

Peoria Diocese spokesman Donald Walters told reporters today that Jenky has accepted the challenge, and cautioned Dolan against instigating Jenky anymore than he already has, saying that Dolan would do well to “check himself before he wrecks himself” because Jenky is reportedly “bad for his health.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Science

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

VATICAN––In a stunning break with centuries of Catholic teaching, Pope Francis announced today that the forces of Gravity and Electromagnetism are real, adding that “God is not a magician with a magic wand.” This is in stark contrast with the teaching of his predecessor, Pope Benedict XVI, whose third Encyclical is entitled “God the Magician: Why Gravity Doesn’t Exist.”

During this address to the Pontifical Academy of the Sciences, Pope Francis rocked the Catholic world, which has been a staunch enemy of science since the Church’s public excommunication, execution, and dismemberment of Galileo in 1633. His statements have been called “progressive” by the liberals in the Church who, contrary to the Catechism of the Council of Trent, deny that every falling object is pulled downward by an angel created for that specific purpose by Jesus and Mother Mary.

“It is not inconsistent with the Catholic faith to believe that matter warps space-time,” Pope Francis stated, “such that objects that would normally have travelled in a straight line would bend their path along this curvature and even fall toward the heavier object.” This is a direct contradiction of the teaching of Doctor of the Church St. Bonaventure, who proved through Aristotelian philosophy that objects are attracted toward one another through Love of God and neighbor.

His Holiness did not limit his remarks to gravity, but included the “thorny issue” of electromagnetism in his remarks as well, stating that a Catholic has the right to believe that light travels through space as an electromagnetic wave. This implies a non-literal reading of the Book of Genesis, which says: “And God said: ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light, which is the brightness of God’s teeth when he smiles.” Continue Reading

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The Modern World is Going to Hell: A Continuing Series: The Texting Vermin of the Apocalypse

The  fourth in my series of posts in which I give rants against trends that have developed in society since the days of my youth, the halcyon days of the seventies, when leisure suits and disco were sure signs that society was ready to be engulfed in a tide of ignorance, bad taste and general buffoonery.

We have started off the series with a look at seven developments that I view as intensely annoying and proof that many people lack the sense that God granted a goose.  I like to refer to these as  The Seven Hamsters of the Apocalypse, minor evils that collectively illustrate a society that has entered a slough of extreme stupidity.  Each of the Seven Hamsters will have a separate post.  We have already discussed here the Tattooed Vermin,  here the Pierced Vermin and here the F-Bomb Vermin.  The fourth of the Hamsters is the Texting Vermin.

Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: 1965

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Los Angeles, CA–A Loyola Marymount professor Wednesday found what he is considering undeniable evidence of his theory that the Mass was founded in 1965, as opposed to the year 33 as has been formerly thought.

“It was primarily at the Second Vatican Council that the Holy Spirit descended upon the council fathers and thereby founded the Church,” said 68-year-old Church historian Marty Jenkins. “From documents that we’ve found, the Lord came to the council fathers, and when he had given thanks, he broke the bread, and said, ‘This is my body which is for you. Do this in remembrance of me.’ It was here that Christ founded the Mass…not at the Last Supper. The Last Supper was just a trial run.”

Jenkins went on to say that up until then, no Mass was ever valid, going on to compare pre-conciliar Catholics with Jews during the exodus. “You see, the Jews did not have to wander the desert for 40 years. If was only because of the hardness of their hearts that God prolonged their wandering. So then is the case of the pre-conciliar Church. God allowed them to spiritually wander the desert of ignorance and hatred until they were enlightened in the 60’s. Only then were they allowed into the promise land of the Mass.”

When asked what evidence he had found to prove his theory, Jenkins responded, “I’m a tenured professor of Church History at Loyola Marymount University…what else needs to be said?” Continue Reading

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The Modern World is Going to Hell: A Continuing Series: The F-Bomb Vermin of the Apocalypse

The  third in my series of posts in which I give rants against trends that have developed in society since the days of my youth, the halcyon days of the seventies, when leisure suits and disco were sure signs that society was ready to be engulfed in a tide of ignorance, bad taste and general buffoonery. We have started off the series with a look at seven developments that I view as intensely annoying and proof that many people lack the sense that God granted a goose.  I like to refer to these as  The Seven Hamsters of the Apocalypse, minor evils that collectively illustrate a society that has entered a slough of extreme stupidity.  Each of the Seven Hamsters will have a separate post.  We have already discussed here the Tattooed Vermin and here the Pierced Vermin.  The third of the Hamsters is the F-Bomb Vermin. Continue Reading

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Bouncers Hardest Hit

Church Bouncer

 

 50.        Homosexuals have gifts and qualities to offer to the Christian community: are we capable of welcoming these people, guaranteeing to them a fraternal space in our communities? Often they wish to encounter a Church that offers them a welcoming home. Are our communities capable of providing that, accepting and valuing their sexual orientation, without compromising Catholic doctrine on the family and matrimony?

Language from the Relatio rejected by the Synod.

 

Over at the blog That the Bones You Have Crushed May Thrill, that is a mouthful, brings news of this latest development:

 

London’s Catholic Churches are already undergoing a revolutionary change in the life of the Church in the era of Pope Francis. The long awaited message of mercy has filtered from Rome down to the pews.

Anti-gay security guards – a hitherto common sight outside Catholic Churches in London have today been told that their services will no longer be needed, as the Church in England and Wales takes on the new message of ‘welcoming’ and accepting people with same-sex attraction.

For the past two thousand years, anti-gay security guards have been employed by the Church in order to filter out from congregations anyone who may have homosexual tendencies or inclinations. In a revolutionary move, today Cardinal Vincent Nichols and Archbishop Peter Smith made it known that henceforth, the security guards will be placed inside the Churches in order to defend homosexuals from the lethal and unpredictable stoning and/or beating that has often taken place against homosexuals during Mass and times of quiet prayer and reflection. Continue Reading

14

PopeWatch: Second Synod

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

VATICAN–It was announced today that a second synod, tentatively scheduled for mid-January, will solely focus on learning the fundamental teachings of the Catholic Church.

The news comes just days after Pope Francis asked synod participants to “speak clearly,” encouraging them to speak openly.  “Let no one say, ‘This can’t be said, they will think this or that about me.’ Everything we feel must be said, without fear,” Francis said. After reading the badly translated, and what many have called “severely flawed” report called Relatio Post Disceptationem, Francis has since regretted the decision to ask the synod fathers to speak openly, supposedly overestimating their intelligence.

An adviser to Pope Francis has since suggested that before moving on with another synod on the family, that the synod fathers learn some of the basics of Catholicism.

“The synod  will be headed by 16-year-old African Catholic Zyana Ndiaye and is expected to cover such subjects such as Jesus, the Church, as well as sin. Every synod father, except for those from Africa, will remain quiet and will be ignored if they attempt to offer an opinion.”

At press time, Pope Francis has issued a statement to those who will be participating in future synods, saying, “Let everyone say, ‘This can’t be said, they will think this or that about me.’ Everything we feel must be kept quiet, with fear, especially if you are going to make a Kaspar out of yourself.”

Continue Reading

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The Modern World is Going to Hell: A Continuing Series: The Pierced Vermin of the Apocalypse

The  second in my series of posts in which I give rants against trends that have developed in society since the days of my youth, the halcyon days of the seventies, when leisure suits and disco were sure signs that society was ready to be engulfed in a tide of ignorance, bad taste and general buffoonery.

We have started off the series with a look at seven developments that I view as intensely annoying and proof that many people lack the sense that God granted a goose.  I like to refer to these as  The Seven Hamsters of the Apocalypse, minor evils that collectively illustrate a society that has entered a slough of extreme stupidity.  Each of the Seven Hamsters will have a separate post.  We have already discussed here the Tattooed Vermin.  The  second of the Hamsters is the Pierced Vermin. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Flogging Money Out of a Dead Hobbit

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Hollywood, CA–At a press conference today outside his estate in Beverly Hills, acclaimed director Peter Jackson announced his plans to make a 72-film adaptation of J. R. R. Tolkien’s The Silmarillion. “It was the next logical step after doing Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit,” Jackson said. “In Lord of the Rings, we took over a thousand pages of novel and adapted it to the big screen in three extremely long films. Then in The Hobbit, we took a children’s book a fraction the length of Lord of the Rings, and also made it into three extremely long films.”

Jackson then unfolded his plan for Tolkien’s The Silmarillion, which begins with a mythological account of the creation of Middle Earth and culminates in the great battles of the Elves during the First Age. “The first film in the series is set to come out in Summer 2016. Then, every two years from 2018 to 2160, the following installment will be released.”

Returning to the original cinematic backgrounds of the Lord of the Rings movies, Jackson made an executive decision to save costs for shooting the outdoor scenes, and had his studio purchase the entire island of New Zealand. “In the long run it will cost us a lot less. Plus, now the citizens of New Zealand are the property of our studio, so we get free labor to build sets.”

Movie buffs and Tolkien nerds alike are ecstatic over the news, and Jackson, as usual, is enjoying the attention, teasing them about the contents of some of the 72 movies they can look forward to. “16 of the movies will be almost exclusively footage of the elven-folk doing various dances, and I don’t want to say much, but The Silmarillion: Part 49 is subtitled Gandalf Smokes his Pipe. Continue Reading

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The Modern World is Going to Hell: A Continuing Series: The Tattooed Vermin of the Apocalypse

(I am finally going to be completing this series of posts that I began in 2010.  In preparation for that, I am reposting these articles in their order of appearance.  They will appear once a week on Wednesdays.)

In this series of posts I intend to give rants against trends that have developed in society since the days of my youth, the halcyon days of the seventies, when leisure suits and disco were sure signs that society was ready to be engulfed in a tide of ignorance, bad taste and general buffoonery.

We will start off the series with a look at seven developments that I view as intensely annoying and proof that many people lack the sense that God granted a goose.  I like to refer to these as  The Seven Hamsters of the Apocalypse, minor evils that collectively illustrate a society that has entered a slough of extreme stupidity.  Each of the Seven Hamsters will have a separate post.  The first of the Hamsters is the Tattooed Vermin.

Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Drawing the Line

VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

VATICAN–Pope Francis said in his morning Mass on Monday that if Martians came to him asking to be baptized he wouldn’t turn them away, but that when it came to krakens, unicorns, minotaurs, and British elves, he would have to say “absolutely not,” Vatican radio reports.

“If, for example, tomorrow an expedition of Martians came, and some of them came to us, here… Martians, right? Green, with that long nose and big ears, just like children paint them…and one says, ‘But I want to be baptized!’ What would happen?”

Pope Francis would not be one to turn away someone seeking baptism, even if they were an alien. He urged clergy to foster an open door policy for all to receive church teachings including Martians, but also urged them to not get carried away, and to immediately deny any golems, Chineese dragons, and even the Loch Ness Monstor.

Although the pope’s message was one of inclusion, saying “the Holy Spirit is not always predictable,” he justified his exclusion of other never seen creatures such as sirens and chupacabras by saying that he had to “draw the line somewhere.”

Pope Francis is not the first one to hint at alien baptism. Vatican scientist Guy Consolmagno suggested in 2010 that aliens might have souls and could be baptized if they asked for it.

“Any entity, no matter how many tentacles it has, has a soul,” Consolmagno said in a talk preceding the British Science Festival in Birmingham. “But when it comes to creatures like Bigfoot, cyclopes, and hydras, His Holiness is absolutely correct.” Continue Reading

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Who Still Supports Obama?

 

The worst President, alright Mr. Buchanan, I see your hand, maybe he is only tied with you, plumbs new depths of approval for him:

 

Barack Obama’s approval rating slid into dangerous territory this week, with the latest Reuters-Ipsos poll showing just 35 percent of Americans approve of the president’s job performance even as he leads the nation into a war against Islamic fundamentalism in the Middle East.

Fifty-eight percent of Americans expressed disapproval of the White House’s current occupant — 37 percent of them “strongly.” Just 17 percent strongly approved of Obama’s current performance. The poll is based on a five-day rolling average.  Continue Reading

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Tiber Creek Community Church

Tiber Creek Community Church

 

Church Pop brings us the news:

 

 

ROME, Italy — Pope Francis has changed the name of St. Peter’s Basilica to “Tiber Creek Community Church,” Vatican spokesperson Fr. Federico Lombardi announced this morning.

“The greatest church of Christendom, built on the holy grave of the martyr-prince of the Apostles, has been known as ‘St. Peter’s Basilica’ for 1700 years,” Fr. Lombardi explained. “It was long overdue for a rebranding.”

He continued that this was just the next step in Pope Francis’ greater program of trying to make the church more relatable to the average person.

“How many Catholics today even know who St. Peter is?” Fr. Lombardi asked reporters, eliciting murmurs of agreement. “And besides, referencing St. Peter is a dead giveaway that we’re Catholic.” Fr. Lombardi said that naming the church after it’s geographic location without any denominational identifiers was more in line with how modern people felt about religion.

Fr. Lombardi also announced that projectors and screens would be installed throughout the basilica in the coming week, that a “totally rocking” worship band was being formed, and that Pope Francis planned on making his sermons “relevant to every day life.”

“The Trinity, the Incarnation, the Virgin Birth, these are all interesting — to dead theologians,” Fr. Lombardi said dismissively. “But how does that apply to my everyday life? How will that help me advance in my career? That’s what Pope Francis is going to be focusing on.”

According to an anonymous source within the Vatican, when some of his advisors voiced concerns about the name change, Francis informed them that he had already purchased the new sign.

“He was really proud of the sign,” the anonymous source said. “He told us he already had some great jokes to post up there.” Continue Reading