11 Responses to Thanks for Nothing

  • I love it! Hollywood idiots. Heh. I’d love to see the response go viral.

  • I think the first one, SAVE THE DAY, was 3 minutes too long.

  • The first one was three minutes and one second too long.

    Hollywood should be converted to an Air Fore bombing range.

  • Famous actors? I thought I saw Nathan Fillion in that line up (not sure), but couldn’t have named any of the others.

  • Hey, they are “following their heart” as liberals love to say. Which means it is all about FEELING and not THINKING. Feeling is what drives most folks including our dear Pope. It is the primary cause of our on-going demise in our culture and our Church.

  • Speaking of Hollywood, now that it’s October the month of Halloween, the trailers for new series and movies are worse than last years’s grotesque offerings with all sorts of gore, bondage, torture and the occult. Hollywood and the music industry have a lot on their consciences, if they have any, for the sickness of our culture.

  • Anything I have to say to or about the Hollywood actors and actresses in the 1st video should not be printed. Baby murderers, sodomites, lesbians, fornicators, adulterers the lot of them. Disgusting worthless refuse of Western Civilization’s end that they have so willingly brought to pass.
    .
    All the more do I want Trump to win, so that I can scream at them, “Get the hades out of my country! You’re not welcome! Out! Get out, the lot of you.”

  • Penguins Fan. They are not worth the powder to blow them to Hell.
    .
    I don’t take advice from people that earn their bread repeating words (they likely don’t understand if they’re longer than four letters) written by other imbeciles, while making faces or tearing off their clothes.
    .
    The only exception is Charlton Heston. He played Moses.

  • I really resent being told, urged, instructed to vote. This baffles me. Voting is a duty, a privilege, a civic responsibility. I don’t need a sh*t load of famous people telling me to do it. it’s also my right not to vote. Am I an idiot that I don’t realize the importance of something unless famous people point it out? I guess they think so. I resent these directives from government agencies as well. “Drink water!” “Don’t smoke” “Don’t forget to breathe”
    I registered to vote at DMV when I was 18 or so.. Everybody just did it. Then everybody voted ON ELECTION DAY.
    When I started to see them out with their clipboards soliciting about 12 years ago I knew something was up. I live near Union Square (I call it Red Sq. I’m wondering ‘Who are these people? Democrats I assumed. Who is paying them to do this? Then followed the Acorn scandal, the ‘Republicans are suppressing the vote’ meme, states granting voting rights to felons, early voting, same day registration/voting, absentee voting, mail voting and every state is different. Too much room for fraud. I think there is no vetting once a person is registered to vote. They are entered on the books. There is really no vetting when you register. No proof of citizenship is required- only an address. The Muslim mall shooter from Turkey voted in the last 3 elections even though a non citizen.

PopeWatch: Catfished

Saturday, September 24, AD 2016

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Social media users are very much used to dealing with phony accounts, and Catholics in the world of Facebook and Twitter are no exception to the rule.

Pope Benedict “broke the internet” this week after admitting to using the Twitter handle “ThisCatholicPope” in order to carry on the persona of a 79-year-old pope named “Francis.”

“The fact that a pope started a Twitter account just so he could retire and still have power to hold the Catholic faithful in the palm of his hand is deplorable,” local catfished Catholic Brenda Summers told EOTT. “By doing this, he made fools of both the right and the left in the Church. He made conservatives long for his authority and wisdom, and he kept liberals at bay by writing a bunch of crap about the environment.”

After being confronted by EOTT, Benedict explained his actions and apologized outright.

“It was never anything personal. At the time, I was being really selfish…I wanted to pray and study without having to deal with the gay mafia in the Vatican. That’s the best excuse I have,” Benedict said, before adding, “Francis is someone who knows how to deal with the politics in the Church and the world. He’s my inner-popular Peter. Everyone loves him. No one ever loved me before Francis. No one ever awarded me TIME’s Person of the Year. I was just the old german who was once a member of the Hitler Youth.”

At press time, Pope Benedict is asking the Catholic faithful to forgive him and to just love him for who he is…on the inside.

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One Response to PopeWatch: Catfished

5 Responses to How to Argue Like a Theological Liberal

  • Alternate title: “All of mark shea’s arguments in under 2 minutes.”

  • The primary logical principle of liberals, from Jorge B on down is the principle of nonnon contradiction-a thing can simultaneously be and not be. For example: a person can at one and the same time be an adulterer and not an adulterer; or a person can, at the same time, sin by choosing to engage in homosexual sex actions and do an act of virtuous love by choosing to engage in homosexual sex actions. And get ready for this theological argument: Jorge B declares the Jubilee Year Of Service and that the episcopacy is the summit of service, priesthood a lot of the spectrum of service, service a gradual thing from laity up to Poper, and -drum roll- deaconesses will now be simply be wonmen who do not have the fullness of service, but a real part of the ideal of service. Having part of the spectrum, – louder drum roll please-of course just as it has been declared that adulterers can recieve Holy Communion, women can – loudest drum roll-be ordained priests. Now that is liberal theology. Guy McClung, San Atnonio, Texas

  • Drip, drip, drip, drip and suddenly the pail is full and overflowing. “Jubilee Year of Service”. I can see it happening.

  • CAM-the “dripdripdrip” is so on point. WE can have some fun disclosing what exactly is dripping. And imagine what they will then do with the Jubilee Year Of Belief. Any denomination with a du-inity-only God the Father and God the Holy Spirit- instead of a trinity will be said to have part of the ideal of trinity and, therefore, be part of the one true holy catholic apostolic church. Any church that preaches only two last things- death and heaven-will have part of the true belief and will be declared part of the one true holy catholic apostolic church. Wait a minute-!- that has already happened with the Mercy Heresy proclaimed by the Mercy Bully, there is no condemnation forever; so there are not 4 last things, Death, Judgment, Heaven, Hell. Praise the Lord! Since they are getting ready to issue the Martin Luther Holy Cards, St. Arius and St. Margaret Sanger cannot be far behind. Guy McClung, San Antonio, Texas

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Tim Kaine’s Guardian Angel Quits

Tuesday, September 20, AD 2016

 

 

At The American Catholic we are dedicated to giving you up to date news on the election campaign.  Thus we have this report from Acts of the Apostasy:

(AoftheANews) NEW YORK – The guardian angel for Democrat Vice-Presidential candidate Tim Kaine told AoftheA News that he is quitting the Clinton campaign, and has announced his endorsement of Donald Trump.

“I’ve had it with him. Completely had it,” the angelic messenger said, relentlessly puffing on a Marlboro. “I haven’t slept in days. He’s driving me nuts. His comments on so-called same-sex marriage over the weekend were the final straw. He really thinks the Church will someday change its position. Sure, he was taught by Jesuits, but he oughtta know better.”

The bedraggled, unshaven divine host of heaven went on. “I probably should have done this when Hillary selected him, but I had hope, you know? Turns out I was just fooling myself.”

He explained that his endorsement of Trump was merely an attempt to get Kaine’s attention. “I’m hoping it’s a wake-up call,” he said, pouring himself a glass of Jack Daniels. “Shock him a bit. Once he hears I want to ‘make America great again’, he’ll come to his senses. Maybe. I’m so beyond frustrated.”

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20 Responses to Tim Kaine’s Guardian Angel Quits

PopeWatch: Gringo Mass

Saturday, September 17, AD 2016

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Despite efforts to figure whether they were in a Catholic or Protestant service, local parishioners were left baffled after an “animated” man wearing vestments put on a head mic and began pacing back and forth as he delivered his sermon.

“The man looked like a priest and I was quite certain I was in a Catholic Church,” said longtime parishioner Joyce Parlin who had no clue as to what the hell was going on. “But he kept pacing back and forth, ending each statement with a ‘can I get an amen?’ No one was exactly sure what he was asking for. I overheard one gentleman respond, ‘yes, I suppose,’ but the priest or pastor or whatever he was kept desperately asking if he could get more amens.”

Parlin went on to add that the priest or pastor or whatever the heck he was continually used words like “fellowship” and “ministry” during his sermon, words, Parlin admitted, she had never heard before.

“He also used the phrase ‘saved by the Blood of the Lamb,’ which I suppose is some sort of Christian take on the TV show ‘Saved by the Bell.’ Hell, I don’t know.”

At press time, the band has begun singing praise a worship as beach balls are being thrown to and fro, confirming that the event is a Life Teen Mass.

Go here to read the comments.  PopeWatch was about to call the Vatican for comment when he received a call from the Pope.  The Pope got quickly to the point. 

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8 Responses to PopeWatch: Gringo Mass

  • “Then PopeWatch woke up.”

    In a rubber room sporting an “I love me.” jacket. Because one would have to be crazy to even dream that Pope Francis would put Cardinal Burke in charge of anything important.

  • Cardinal Burke for Pope. Oh to hear him ex communicate Tim Kaine, Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden and all the rest.

  • In our Faith Community, aka Catholic Church, the focus is on something called
    ‘Stewardship as Our Way of Life’ which encompasses Hospitality, Prayer, Formation, and Service. Our Mission is to be the Heart and Hands of Christ. We have over 100 active ministries. Our Rector, trained in the theology of Karl Rahner, is very enthused about parishioner involvement in Stewardship. There is something about the whole thing that troubles me but can’t quite articulate it. One point to be noted is that participation in the religious aspects of being a Catholic are seldom mentioned or non-existent, i.e., confession, adoration, holy hour, holiness, etc. I would appreciate any comments.

  • Mr. Dowd,

    http://www.servelec.net/mothertheresa.htm
    Maybe this will help you see what’s lacking.

    We are not called to be social workers. We are called to do everything for the Lord. Not because we are so good for doing it. Because we are nothing and He is everything. And if we so not sanctify our work, I’d we do not so it For the Lord, and to His Will, then it is not the Good He wishes it to be.

  • Thanks Alice. You are correct. What’s lacking in the Church was withdrawn after Vatican II. We need to practice the religious aspects of our religion.

  • This reminds me of the time I visited my oldest and best friend by then retired and living down south. Sunday morning we drove to the nearest, and they are few and far between down south, for Mass. The edifice appeared as plain as a dentist office. My friend cleverly quipped, “This is a Catholic church cleverly disguised as a Protestant church”.

  • My parish is one of those dual language/dual culture English-Spanish parishes. The Spanish-language masses I’ve attended are just as irreverent in their own way. I think our present and immediately past parish priests, for whom Spanish is their mother tongue, are/were deeply embarrassed by that. I also believe that embarrassment inhibited them when they could have made needful corrections to the parish’s English language masses.

  • re: Micha Elyi’s comment

    “Gringo Mass” indeed !!! Racists…

    I hadn’t thought about this for awhile since I haven’t been to a Spanish Mass for a long time… There tended to be a lot of little kids crawling around, running around, making noise, etc. at espanol misa. People also used to eat at Mass too, and I don’t think it was just little kids eating cheerios. Sure, the priests — gringo and otherwise — try to correct it. Also I hate to say it, but years ago I was at a weekday evening Mass which was geared toward trying to get the teens to Mass before youth group. When I went up to Communion I noticed a hispanic female youth who had stuff in her hands as she went up for Communion. I think it was a pack of cheese crackers and something else. She was given Communion in the hand anyway. I watched her. She received the Host in her hands but instead of putting It in her mouth, she took it back to her seat at the rear of the church where she was sitting with friend(s). She just sat there and I knew she still had the Host. I motioned for her to put It in her mouth which she did. I hope she swallowed it. I later informed the deacon after Mass. Maybe I should have asked for the Host to be given to me since she didn’t seem adequately prepared to receive it. I was kind of shook up at the time. I don’t know if she was ignorant, or had some other more nefarious plan in mind. Some years ago, another area parish had a problem with hosts being stolen and sold for evil purposes. (I don’t know the identity or race of the people who did it.) To this day the parish has lay people posted to watch you when you receive Communion. It’s like you’re guilty before being proven innocent…

PopeWatch: Plague

Saturday, September 10, AD 2016

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

In an effort to combat what is being called a “fast-moving and highly contagious disease,” officials at the Diocese of San Diego announced today that they will begin spraying for orthodoxy this month.

Diocesan spiritual health officials will spray parts of San Diego after several individuals tested positive for orthodoxy last month.

One San Diego resident recently returned from a one week retreat at a Benedictine monastery where orthodoxy is known to be active. The individual developed symptoms before returning home.

The case was confirmed after testing at the San Diego County Public Spiritual Health Laboratory came back positive.

When diocese Orthodoxy Control inspectors visited the individual’s home, they found a breviary and books by Pope Benedict XVI nearby.

“If Benedict’s books were exposed to others living nearby, they could spread the orthodoxy,” said Janette Durante, Deputy Director of Doctrinal Laxity. “It’s very important for Catholics to inspect in and around their parishes and to toss out anything that comes even close to resembling proper catechesis.”

This Sunday, spiritual officials plan to go door-to-door leaving notifications for Catholics to inform them of where the spraying will occur.

To minimize your exposure to the “anti-ortho” spray, diocesan officials recommend staying inside, closing bibles and catechisms, and covering up crucifixes, although a standard cross without the corpse or a resurrexifix is fine to keep out.

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One Response to PopeWatch: Plague

  • Just consider the consequences if ever the contagion made it’s way to the Vatican.
    Pope Francis, infected!
    Ohhh….the sanctity of it all.
    That…thhat.. would mean no formal Papal acknowledgement of the Reformation on its anniversary….aaa…and and no more videos on the dome of St.Peters….I don’t know if I could handle it all… just to much to even consider.

Larry the Lobster Assumes Room Temperature

Tuesday, August 30, AD 2016

 

It would take a heart of stone not to laugh at this:

 

The 2016 Larry was saved from the stockpot, too. He was destined for dinner when several concerned citizens worked with a group called iRescue Wildlife, Inc., to intervene, the Miami Herald reports.

Larry had been reserved for one family’s dinner when the activists offered to buy him and send him to freedom, ABC News reports.

“They really opened up my eyes and it got me a little emotional,” Melluso told ABC. “We went ahead and donated the lobster to them.”

The Larry-savers made plans to ship him to the Maine State Aquarium, which said it would accept him, quarantine him and then decide what to do with him after that. There was a swift response from the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

They called on the aquarium to let Larry loose.

“Lobsters are smart, unique individuals who feel pain and suffer in captivity,” PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman said in a statement. “PETA is calling on the Maine State Aquarium to let this elderly crustacean live out his golden years in freedom and peace.”

Alas, Larry’s golden years were never to be.

He arrived at the Maine Aquarium … less than alive.

Jeff Nichols, communications director for the Maine Department of Marine Resources, says that there’s always a challenge in shipping a live animal.

“Maine lobster dealers do it all the time … they ship live lobsters all over the world, but it’s something that is part of their business practice and their area of expertise,” he told NPR. “This was a situation where, you know, it was somebody trying to figure it out.”

The first attempt to ship Larry was scuttled when FedEx sent him back. And unfortunately, he spent some time on freshwater ice, Nichols says, which isn’t ideal for a marine animal.

The Florida activists repackaged him, with some coaching from the Maine State Aquarium’s staff, and sent him again, the Portland Press Herald reported on Wednesday:

“Larry was packed in a Styrofoam clamshell with seaweed and frozen gel packs intended to keep him cold. The Styrofoam package was then put in another box, providing extra cushioning and protection from leakage. iRescue did not respond to questions about the shipping cost.

“The packaging method has worked in the past for others who have shipped live lobsters to the aquarium, Nichols said. But when staffers opened the box Wednesday around noon, they found a motionless crustacean and broken gel packs.

“Unsure whether Larry was dead or alive, a staffer touched the lobster’s eye, but found it dry and unresponsive.”

Larry hadn’t made it.

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10 Responses to Larry the Lobster Assumes Room Temperature

  • All I could see is the scale of justice.

    For the men and women at PETA and iRescue Wildlife a small fetus is placed on the right side of the scale, Larry the lobster on the left.
    Christ Jesus asks the question; Which one did you try to save while you were on Earth?

    The mindset of hypocritical individuals that support killing children yet fall over each other on a old lobster is testimony of a world in peril. A society in ruin. Heartless and gutless.

  • Animal “rights” activists are another symptom of the current age, along with “enviornmentalists”, who care nothing for humanity but will stop at nothing to further their own causes.

  • http://usccb.us8.list-manage.com/track/click?u=b927174dbe854683d4b527f98&id=962f9257e5&e=5711bef68f

    In today’s first reading St. Paul nails it on the head; “…we have not received the spirit of the world, but the Spirit of the one from God.”

  • The original article left out the best line from the PETA statement:

    “PETA is calling on the Maine State Aquarium to let this elderly crustacean live out his golden years in freedom and peace.”

  • Pinky.

    It’s a Monty Python script…. seriously!?

  • Philip-Re: your scale: But Larry could feel pain. And aren’t you showing your bias placing the baby, sorry fetus, on the “right” side of the scale? PETA will tell you Larry had a Constitutional right to be on the right side. Just check the penumbras of the commerce clause and the shadows of the 5th amendment. Guy

  • So, a fairly quick and delicious death became a slow, torturous, wasteful death. Congratulations iRescue.

  • This crap happens every day of the week. At least 2 entire 1000 page books could be written re: so called “rescue” groups and the animals they have killed in their “rescuing” and the animal abuse taking place under the title of animal “rescue.” These “rescue” groups are getting rich. Recently, while begging for more money, the humane society here in my area had $5 million dollars put up in a CD in one single account. Check out the percentage of animals that are in PETA’s custody that don’t make it out alive–it is literally almost 100 percent.

  • And the ASPCA is a contributor to PLANNED PARENTHOOD.

One Response to Marx 2016!

PopeWatch: Game of Popes

Saturday, July 30, AD 2016

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

There was some exciting news for Game of Thrones fans who also happen to love Jesus today after EWTN announced that they are set to premiere their brand new epic, Game of Papal Thrones.

“The launch of the new GoPT series will truly be a global Catholic television event,” said Jonathan Nunez, Associate Producer of the series based on the bestselling novel, A Gregorian Chant of Ice and Fire. “Game of Thrones is already a worldwide phenomenon and so is Jesus Christ. We’re hoping to baptize, so to speak, the series made famous by HBO.”

The series, which details the power struggle for the papal throne (Cathedra Romana,) tells the story of eight men and one woman fighting for control of the newly restored Papal States. Political and chaste intrigue is pervasive. Jorge Mario Bergoglio, Prince of the Apostles, asks his old friend Cardinal Robert Sarah to serve as Hand of the Pope, the highest official. Secretly warned that the previous Hand was assassinated, Sarah accepts in order of business to investigate further. Meanwhile, “the mad sister” Marcia Allen and her religious family, the Leadership Conference of Women Religious, may be hatching a plot to take power. Across the sea, the last members of the deposed family, the Burke’s, are scheming to take the throne. The friction between houses Sarah, LCWR, Bergoglio, and Burke and with the remaining great houses Chaput, Mahoney, Ratzinger, and the incompetent yet powerful and conniving Chaldean Patriarch Raphael “Littlefinger” Sako leads to full-scale war. All while a very ancient evil awakens in the farthest east. Amidst the war and pontifical confusion, a neglected order of monks, the Benedictines of Fontgombault, is all that stands between the realms of men and fiery horrors beyond.

 

The series is set to premier this September.

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3 Responses to PopeWatch: Game of Popes

  • My sources tell. e that the Vatican and NBC have agreed to,terms on a new game show called “What the Hell did the Pope Just Say?” The contestants will clueless sycophantic bloggers who compete to come up with the best spin to alleviate the fears of gullible Catholics. And since the Vatican, by decree of Fr. Thomas Rosica, has determined that Mark Shea enjoys absolute infallibility when it comes to spinning nonsensical remarks of Pope Francis, he will be both judge and show host.

  • The Bear just hopes there are no nude scenes.

Trump Rising

Monday, July 25, AD 2016

 

 

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Hmmm, I may have to pick this up, especially since it is free:

Battlegoat Studios announces Trump Rising, a new DLC pack to be released tomorrow for Supreme Ruler Ultimate, their Windows and OS X RTS game on Steam. As you may have inferred, this plays a trump card ripped from today’s headlines with the addition of The Donald to the game. Here’s word:
Within the United States, civil unrest fueled by racial tensions reaches even higher than in the 1960’s. To China and Russia, the new US President seems so unpredictable and reckless that it seems logical to make a pre-emptive strike rather than wait for him to have a ‘bad hair day’ and launch a strike against them. In Western Europe, leaders are shaken by their new reality and realize they may have to make concessions to Russia now that America can no longer be relied upon. The European Union itself is in disarray as the UK prepares to leave and forge its own relationships. In Mexico, and even in Canada, militaries are brought to an unprecedented level of readiness over concern of Trump’s ambitions.

How will this play out? Will you assume Trump’s role as the new US leader and guide America to renewed Greatness? Or will you instead lead another nation and take advantage of a potentially dysfunctional America to further your own ambition?

This DLC adds the following to Supreme Ruler Ultimate:
⦁ New Sandbox starting on US Inauguration Day, January 20, 2017
⦁ Updated “Modern World” relationships, leaders, and regional economies
⦁ Take control as President Donald Trump, or try to minimize the damage as another World Leader
⦁ Build the Trump Wall – although you may have to pay for it yourself
⦁ Encourage regional growth with the Trump Tower economic development zones

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One Response to Trump Rising

PopeWatch: Plagiarism

Saturday, July 23, AD 2016

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

A number of paragraphs from Pope Francis’ Wednesday General Audience speech appear to have been lifted from Melania Trump’s Republican National Convention speech.

Francis aide Monsignor Guido Marini said late this afternoon that Francis wrote the speech largely on his own, telling EOTT that, “I read it once over, and that’s all. His Holiness wrote it…with as little help as possible.”

During the address, a journalist pointed out the striking similarities to Melania Trump’s speech from the night before, and a plagiarism controversy exploded. A two-paragraph section of Francis’ speech about family values bears nearly identical phrasing to Trump’s RNC address.

“My parents impressed on me the values that you pray hard for what you want in life. That your rosary is your bond, and you do what you pray and keep your promise to God. That you treat you flock with respect,” Francis told those gathered about halfway through his speech.

Compare that to Trump’s, which said, “My parents impressed on me the values that you work hard for what you want in life. That your word is your bond, and you do what you say and keep your promise. That you treat people with respect.”

Francis went on to stress the need to “pass along the faith to the many generations to follow, because we want the children of God in this Church to know that the only limit to your sanctity is the strength of your novenas and the willingness to remember not to skip a day.”

 

It’s a near mirror of a line from Trump’s speech: “pass those lessons on to the many generations to follow, because we want our children in this nation to know that the only limit to your achievements is the strength of your dreams and the willingness to work for them.”

Marini soon after responded to the controversy, saying “there is no cribbing of Melania Trump’s speech.”

“These were common words and values, and he cares about his Church,” Marini said. “To think that he would do something like that, knowing how scrutinized his speech was going to be this afternoon, is just really absurd.”

The Francis team released a statement moments go, saying part, “In writing his beautiful speech, Pope Francis’ team of writers took notes on his life’s inspirations, and in some instances included fragments that reflected his own thinking. His Holiness’ immigrant experience and love for Rome shone through in his speech, which made it such a success.”

Other questionable parts of Pope Francis’ speech were quotes such as “Ask not what your Church can do for you; ask what you can do for your Church,” “Be not scared,” and “You’re off to great places! Today is your day! Your seven storey mountain is waiting, so get on your way!”

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One Response to PopeWatch: Plagiarism

Bear Growls: Indigenous Blondes

Friday, July 8, AD 2016

 

Our bruin friend at Saint Corbinian’s Bear likes the latest video of Pope Francis:

 

The new Pope Video is out, and the Bear has to hand it to Pope Francis this time. The theme is something about indigenous people. Like, leave us alone, unless you’re giving us stuff. But it is by far the best Pope Video yet.

It begins with Daenerys Targaryen, First of Her Name, Khaleesi of the Grass Sea, The Unburnt, The Mother of Dragons, The Breaker of Chains, in indigenous Dothraki dress, stepping up to a podium in an empty hall as the usual synthesized score plays. Soft lighting behind her reveals an indigenous Dothraki royal tent and a servant steps up and begins braiding Daenerys’ hair.

Without speaking a word, she produces a horse heart and consumes it in a montage of very short takes. With her face covered in blood, she addresses the camera directly.
 “I have many titles, but now I wish to address you simply as Daenerys Targaryen, First of My Name, Khaleesi of the Grass Sea. I love my loyal indigenous Dothraki subjects, who will soon cross the Narrow Sea in wooden horses along with their mounts.

“I speak for the Sheep People, and the Wildings, as well, and all indigenous folk who do not get a clockwork city of their own in the opening credits. I’m not sure if the Ice Zombies are indigenous, but we’ll include them to be on the safe side.

“The Dothraki ways may not be yours, but they deserve to be respected. Except for that giant dome for ex-Khaleesis, which I incinerated along with everyone in it. Leave us alone. Just like we would leave you alone if I did not have an enormous fleet, Dothraki horse lords, the Unsullied, the Second Sons and a squadron of fire-breathing dragons. Oh, and that dwarf, the eunuch and the old guy with the crush on me. As if.

“Swear obedience to your rightful queen, people of the Seven Kingdoms!”

 

Fade to familiar “Pope Video” closing title.

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2 Responses to Bear Growls: Indigenous Blondes

  • Thanks! The Bear for one welcomes our new Dothraki overlords. Anything would be better than the guy who put barrels of wildfire in the crypts beneath St. Peter’s and destroyed it. But the Bear must wonder. What of the souls of indigenous peoples? “The gods of the heathen are devils.” Not a word. Under the heresy of Bergoglioism, everybody’s good to go. Respect cannibalism. Respect Mumbo Jumbo. And respect the Dothraki, for whom rape and slavery are a way of life. But is it not true that they were serious underachievers until a civilized Khaleesi curbed their worst excesses and gave them a purpose? Well, got to run. Time for my noonday blood sacrifice to The Stallion Who Mounts the World.

  • The bear wasn’t funny this time.

PopeWatch: Pope Eternal

Saturday, June 25, AD 2016

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Pope Francis announced Sunday that he has no plans to retire from his position as the leader of the Catholic Church, or to die.

The pontiff responded to a question from a young man at the Vatican, assuring Catholics and supporters that the thought of retirement or death has not even occurred to him.

“I never thought of quitting being pope, or of leaving because of the many responsibilities,” Pope Francis told reporters. “And to those who earnestly pray that God calls me home soon, I say, neither have I thought of dying, not only because of the many responsibilities, but, more importantly, to annoy you.”

The Pontiff joked in 2014 that his papacy would only last two or three more years until he goes “off to the Father’s house,” but later told the press he was only joking, and that he planned to remain pope for the next two to three centuries.

 

Pope Francis went on to add that, although he had no intentions of “being dead” anytime in the foreseeable future, he planned to use the plenty of time he had left on this earth excommunicating one randomly selected person a day until he finally got his lifelong wish of seeing flying cars and hover boards “like you see in the movies” on the streets.

He also told the press that he planned to use some of the abundant amount of time he had left accomplishing some of the things on his bucket list.

“I would like to end world hunger, of course, but mainly, I will be working on designing a Hover Pope Mobile so that once the whole flying car thing gets going, I won’t have to wait long. They promised us that there would be flying cars in the year 2000, but they are still not here. What is the hold up? I also plan on setting a record in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest stretch of ad-lib monologue with reporters. I will be shooting for thirty-six straight hours of unscripted and uninterrupted verbal bedlam. I have been practicing for this for some time, and I’m confident I can do it.”

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Not One of Ours

Tuesday, June 14, AD 2016

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3 Responses to Not One of Ours

  • “…but the priest allegedly disappeared immediately afterwards”
    No odor of brimstone, eh?

    A coworker once told of a wedding he attended in a Baptist church. The groom was not Baptist, and after lauding the bride’s faith the minister said “Joe, I’m not sure where you stand with the Lord…”. He then proceeded to rip the groom up and down. Finally some old guy in the back yelled out “What the hell’s this al about?” and the minister then recovered his propriety. My coworkers commented on the need to pick the right minister; my take was on the need to plant an old guy with a big mouth in the back.

  • Let us hire a cohort of such men for every conference, synod, council and meeting at the Vatican. How about we call them “Senior Evangelists” and find some obscure church history according to which hands were laid on such men and the Holy Spirit enlighteneed them before they cried out?

  • Well, THAT Baptists preacher made dang sure that the kids won’t be raised Baptist. If the lady is awesome enough that her husband didn’t kill that jerk, she’s not going to allow him to be abused like that.

PopeWatch: Saint Harambe

Saturday, June 11, AD 2016

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Animal rights activists have created an online petition asking the Congregation for the Causes of Saints to waive the sainthood waiting period for Harambe, the endangered 450-pound gorilla who was fatally shot after a boy fell into its “hermitage” at the Cincinnati Zoo.

The petition, which has already gathered over 300,000 signatures, asks Pope Francis to immediately proclaim Harambe a saint, elevating the great ape to the universal veneration of the Church.

“By canonizing Harambe, the Pope will not be making him a saint,” said Toby Porter who is spearheading the canonization effort. “We already know he’s a saint because he’s an animal, and all animals are worthy of eternal veneration regardless of whether they are dead or alive. Rather, Pope Francis will simply be declaring that our silverback gorilla is already with God and is an authentic example of following Christ, and worthy of imitation by the faithful, both human and ape.”

Porter later went on to add that he hoped Harambe would be added to the general calendar of the Church.

In response, Pope Francis announced this morning that he would be issuing a new encyclical titled, Banana Vitae, reaffirming the orthodox teaching of the Catholic Church regarding responsible conservation of animals and their habitats.

At press time, animal rights activists have also announced plans to ask Pope Francis to excommunicate the parents of the boy who fell into the gorilla “hermitage” for negligence, as well as the zookeeper who shot Harambe for violating the spirit of Laudato Si.

 

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3 Responses to PopeWatch: Saint Harambe

  • So, if I get my face ripped up by a great ape, can I ask Harambe to intercede for me?

  • When Mr.Ed, ( the talking horse ) was elevated to sainthood, I knew in my heart of hearts that prayers we’re going to be answered. After all he was a talking horse….very rare thing on earth. Now Harambee. Wow. He joins the ranks, the like of which includes; Bowinkle, Rocky J. squirrel, the three Chipmunks ( Holy order of The Society of Varmints. SV ) and Felix the Cat.

    What a great day for the Church.

  • The question everyone is asking: what did the zoo do with Harambe’s relics?

A Jesuit, A Dominican and a Franciscan

Sunday, June 5, AD 2016

 

Aquinas

 

Time for a little Catholic humor, this time using the staple of Order jokes:

A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan are driving cars and have a terrible pile up.  All three are killed instantly, go to their particular judgments and receive instant admission to Heaven.  Here are their reactions as they view the vistas of the Kingdom of Love Eternal:

Franciscan:  “This is exactly how Father Francis said it would be!”

Jesuit:  “This is exactly how I thought it would be!”

Dominican:  “Hey, wait a minute!  What’s the Jesuit doing here?”

Tell your jokes in the comboxes.

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17 Responses to A Jesuit, A Dominican and a Franciscan

  • A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were stranded on a desert island, where
    they happened upon a magic lamp. When one of the men rubbed the lamp,
    a genie appeared, promising the fathers three wishes to repay them for freeing
    it from the lamp. The Jesuit instantly replied “I’d like to be away from here and
    teaching at the world’s most prestigious university!” Suddenly, the Jesuit vanished
    in a puff of smoke. The Dominican, in his turn, told the genie “I want to be a
    preacher at the world’s biggest church!” No sooner had he uttered his wish,
    than he too disappeared in a puff of smoke. The genie turned to the Trappist
    and asked “and you, Father?” To which the Trappist answered “I’m fine, genie–
    I just got my wish”.

  • A Franciscan and a Dominican were debating whose order was the greater. After months of arguing, they decided to ask God for an answer when they died. Years later, they met in heaven and went to God’s throne to resolve their old disagreement. God seemed a bit puzzled about the question and told them he would reply in writing a few days later. After much deliberation, God sent the following letter:

    My sons,

    Please stop bickering about such trivial matters. Both orders are equally great and good in my eyes.

    Sincerely,

    God, SJ

  • The seminarian had not studied for his church history exam.

    One of the questions was compare and contrast the Dominicans and Jesuits?

    He wrote

    Compare
    The were both founded by Spaniards.
    Both were founded to combat heresy.
    The Dominicans: Albigensianism.
    The Jesuits: Protestantism.

    Contrast
    When is the last time you met an Albigensian?

  • A man praying for a Mercedes so he asked a Franciscan and a Jesuit how many novenas he would have to make.

    The Franciscan asked, “What’s a Mercedes?” and the Jesuit asked, “What’s a novena?”

  • Great stuff men. I have no joke but Hank has me on this Sabbath wondering why Spain founded successful religious orders and unsuccessful countries.

  • The local parish priest just got a lovely new car, so he thought he would ask his friend, the local rabbi id he would like to go for a ride in it.
    After traveling a few miles, the rabbi asked, “What a beautiful car – would I be able to have a drive of it?’
    “Certainly, ” the PP replied, so off they went with the rabbi at the wheel.
    They had only gone a couple of hundred yards, when they came to an intersection – and the rabbi, whose sight was not good, failed to give way, and smashed the car.
    The rabbi, feeling very guilty, asked,”What do we do now?”
    The PP replied, “If it wasn’t Friday, you b*****d, I’d bloody well eat you!”

  • So…a Dominican, Jesuit and a Francisan decided to go to a silent retreat together.
    After half an hour the Jesuit signals the Franciscan to come closer to him, and when he does the Jesuit asked him in a whisper; “When can we speak?” The Franciscan frowns at him at walks away. The Dominican, watching from several pews behind them, gets up and proceeds to kneel next to the Jesuit. As he leans towards the Jesuit he softly inquiries; “What in the blazes is going on?” “I saw brother Rutondo walk away in disgust.”

    “I haven’t the foggiest idea. All I asked him was how long do we have to be quiet, but he didn’t even tell me….he just got up and walked away with his head shaking back and forth, never saying a word.”

    “Unbelievable!” said the Dominican.
    “He is always so pleasant to be around.”

    “I know, I know … maybe he’s not feeling well today.” said the Jesuit.

    “Could be.” said the Dominican.

    “Hey… wasn’t that a great episode of American Ninja last night?” Asked the Jesuit.

    “Sure was..” said the Dominican.

    bill bannon is right!
    You folks are talented.
    Thanks for the laugh.

  • This is an old one, I copied it from a Catholic joke site:

    A Franciscan, a Dominican and a Jesuit are transported back in time to the Birth of Our Lord. The Franciscan, seeing Almighty God become a little Child, is overcome with humility and joy. The Dominican, seeing the eternal Word become flesh, is transfixed in ecstasy.

    The Jesuit takes St. Joseph and Our Lady aside, and asks: “Have you given any thought to his education?”

  • The difference between the Dominicans, Franciscans, and Jesuits:

    The Dominican seeks out the stranger.
    To the Franciscan, there are no strangers.
    No one’s stranger than the Jesuits.

  • Pinky has my vote for the Best of the pick!?

  • I’m sorry to report that I can’t recall (or invent) something that fits this thread, but I can report that I have been calling my elderly relatives and friends (some visually impaired) and reading these aloud. You have all contributed to a lot of laughter today.

  • Not a “comparative orders” joke but one of my favorites:

    Three monks joined an order with a very strict vow of silence, which only allowed them to take turns speaking one sentence once a year on Christmas Day. After the first year, the first monk got his turn to speak and said “I hate oatmeal.” The next year, the second monk’s turn came and he said “I like oatmeal.” The year after that, the third monk’s turn came and he said “I’m so sick of this constant bickering about oatmeal!”

    A variant of the same joke has one monk receiving a chance to speak two words once a year. The first year he says “Bed lumpy.” The second year he says “Food cold”. The third year he says “I quit”. To which the abbot responds, “I’m not surprised, you’ve done nothing but complain ever since you came here!”

  • When their ship sank a Benedictine, a Dominican, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit were crowded into a small lifeboat. It had a small leak and was in ever greater danger of sinking. Unfortunately, the boat was also surrounded by sharks.

    So the Dominican, confident in the preaching prowess of his order, stood on the prow and begin to preach to the sharks about Christian charity and the virtues of vegetarianism; but his sermon was cut short by a leaping shark who consumed him in one gulp.

    Then the Benedictine stood on the prow and began to charm the sharks with a stupendous rendition of the Exsultet, but just when he got to the part about the mother bee (mater apis) another shark dispatched him with a single gulp.

    Shortly thereafter the Franciscan, climbing onto the prow, began to pray, “Blessed are you, Lord my God, for brother shark,…” when one of the sister sharks cut him off in mid-benediction.

    Soon the lifeboat sank, leaving the Jesuit in the water with the sharks. But instead of eating him, several sharks towed him to shore and cast him up on the dry land. Stunned, he turned to ask them why they had not devoured him. They replied, “Professional courtesy!”

  • If I could, I’d give you the comment of the week salute Mr. McClarey. LOL.

  • Mr. Collins I love yours about the debate between the Franciscian and the Dominican however “God, S.J.” does not qualify for this list as a statement of fact does not equal a joke.

    A.M.D.G.

  • A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan are kidnapped by space aliens. They are asked to explain their different orders.

    The Franciscan said, “I am a Franciscan, and we worship Christ in a spirit of poverty.”

    The Dominican said, “I am a Dominican.” He then held up his rosary and said that everything the Dominicans believed was symbolized by the Rosary.

    The Jesuit then said, “For a modest annual tuition and a few buildings, I can explain to all of your young what a Jesuit believes over 12-16 years. After that, they will explain it all to you.”

  • A Jesuit, Dominican and a Francisan decided to go to a Reason Rally held in D.C.
    The Dominican captures the attention of thirty three atheists and in the course of the afternoon converts twelve of them to Christianity. The Franciscan, in his piety and modest demeanor was able to persuade seventy two to follow him to the Basilica of the Immaculate Conception where all were baptized and confirmed Catholic.

    After two hours of listening to the guest speakers the Jesuit made up his mind that he truly was a woman stuck in a man’s body, so he scheduled sex change procedures and joined Nuns on a bus.

PopeWatch: Emeritus

Saturday, June 4, AD 2016

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Catholic blogger Nicholas Robison, best known for his blog, More Catholic Than Jesus, announced today that he has officially assumed the role of Savior of the world, ending Jesus Christ’s illustrious and often controversial reign.

The stunning news comes after years of speculation from Catholic websites that Jesus Christ was no longer able to handle the rigors of the office.

“We just feel like it’s gotten pretty obvious since the Council that He’s no longer up to the task,” roommate and spokesman for Robison, Clyde Barnes, told the press. “A whole series of bad appointments, providential allowances of culture decline, and disastrous permissions of evil have convinced us that we need a fresh approach at the very top level. He’s, frankly, been a big disappointment since Vatican II and, though we respect Jesus’ many contributions to Church history, we just think it’s time for him to be put out to pasture and let a more steady hand take the wheel.”

 

Barnes went on to say that Robison’s first order of business as savior would be to guide Pope Francis into early retirement where he would “be free to speak off-the-cuff to himself all he wanted without any repercussions,”  and that this decision would “inevitably usher in a new age of orthodoxy once he had been replaced by Cardinal Burke.”

At press time, Robison has announced that Jesus will henceforth go by the title Jesus Emeritus Christ, and that he will remain in Paradise to live out an eternal life of contemplation.

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