Humor

Time for a MindWipe!

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Watch, if you dare, Conan the Musical!  Not to reopen the torture debates, but twenty-four hours of this and the toughest terrorist would be begging to talk and/or die.

PopeWatch: Year of Terror

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

VATICAN––In his General Audience today, Pope Francis announced that he would be naming 2014 “the Year of Terror.” “Since it is difficult to balance the various challenges of the papacy, while finding time to decide what to call this upcoming year, I have decided that The Year of Terror best represents what we ought to be focusing on this upcoming year,” Francis said to the hundreds gathered in St. Peter’s Square. “Trust me, I wish we could have another Year of Faith, but I have been told we cannot do this. I brought up the idea of a Year of Faith 2.0, but unfortunately that did not fly. Nevertheless, I believe that we have reached the consensus that we should name the upcoming year for what it’s most certainly going to be.” His Holiness went on to explain how people were very scared of things going on in the world like crashing economies, Obamacare, and violence in Africa and the Middle East, just to name a few. “We thought it would be a good idea to get focus back on the Church and acknowledge the paralyzing fear that God’s people are suffering with.” →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

My Type of Brainwashed Morons

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Bishop Folliot:  Do you think you can carry this off indefinitely you fool?

Archbishop Thomas Becket:  We are all God’s fools, My Lord.

From the play Becket

 

 

Hattip to Matt Archbold at Creative Minority Report.

From the only reliable source of news on the net, The Onion:

 

MACON, GA—Sources confirmed today that the brainwashed morons at First Baptist Assembly of Christ, all of whom blindly accept whatever simplistic fairy tales are fed to them, volunteer each Wednesday night to provide meals to impoverished members of the community. “Unfortunately, there are a lot of people in town who have fallen on hard times and are unable to afford to put food on the table, so we try to help out as best we can,” said 48-year-old Kerri Bellamy, one of the mindless sheep who adheres to a backward ideology and is incapable of thinking for herself, while spooning out homemade shepherd’s pie to a line of poor and homeless individuals. “It feels great to share our blessings with the less fortunate. Plus, it’s fun to work alongside all the members of our [corrupt institution of propaganda and lies] who come out each week.” As of press time, the brainless, unthinking lemmings had donated winter clothing they no longer wore to several needy families and still hadn’t opened their eyes to reality. →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

Plan Like a Chipmunk!

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From the only reliable source of news on the net, The Onion.  The above video would be funny if it were not also devastatingly true.  I would put on my notepad a New Year’s Resolution to be more organized and plan better, but I can’t seem to find the notepad.

PopeWatch: Phil Robertson

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

VATICAN–Just days after Pope Francis removed former La Crosse bishop Cardinal Raymond Burke from his seat on the Vatican’s Congregation for Bishops,  Francis today removed Phil Robertson, one of the stars of the A&E reality show Duck Dynasty and founder of Duck Commander, meaning the conservative patriarch of the “Robertson Clan” will lose his influential role in appointing bishops in the United States. Burke’s removal came soon after he said that Pope Francis’ comments suggesting that church teaching on matters such as abortion and gay marriage didn’t need to be repeated were, “not altogether easy to interpret” and went on to say that, “we can never talk enough about the defense of human life.” Many analysts are now suggesting that the Robertson’s removal was due in part to similar comments he recently made to GQ magazine criticizing homosexuality. Among the many of the explicit comments made, Robertson told GQ that “Everything is blurred on what’s right and what’s wrong… sin becomes fine. Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men.  It’s not right.” The pope on Monday appointed Washington, D.C., Cardinal Donald Wuerl to the 18-member board to replace Burke and Robertson. Robertson, who was the consultant to the Congregation for Bishops, and seen by many in the Church as a conservative ally of Burke, will head back home to Louisiana. A spokesman for Robertson told EOTT that Robertson was sad to leave, and felt that both he and Burke were unfairly targeted for “preaching about the objective truths in the bible.” He went on to say that “In them cases where homo sex unions have been legally recognized or dun been given legal status and rights belonging to marriage, clear ‘n emphatic opposition is a duty. We all gotta refrain from any kind of formal cooperation in the enactment or application of such gravely unjust laws and, as far as possible, from cooperation on the level of their application and things like that. In this area, everyone can exercise the right to conscientious objection.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Time Envy

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

VATICAN–Sources close to the Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI reported that the Holy Father has been silently obsessing over Time Magazine’s recent choice of Pope Francis as “Person of the Year.” ”He got up as usual this morning,” said one source, “said his morning prayers and celebrated Mass. Then he sat down to check Yahoo News with his morning tea, like he always does. When he saw…it…he just got really quiet for a long time. Then when he noticed I was looking, he smiled at me and said, ‘good for him.’ It was weird. He said that without really opening his mouth. Like his teeth were still together as he said it.” Pope Francis is the third Bishop of Rome to be named “Person of the Year” by TIME, following Pope John XXIII and Pope John Paul II. EOTT’s source reported that Benedict then made another visit to his private chapel, where he remained for a good 20 minutes. He emerged and sighed deeply before going back to the Yahoo News site, which he reportedly read and re-read several times, at one point muttering under his breath, “Really? Molly Cyrus?” ”When he finished reading all the comments and refreshing the page a couple times to make sure there weren’t any new ones, he looked for other news sites and did the same thing,” said the source. “After that he went to Amazon.com and started reading reviews of his ‘Jesus of Nazareth’ books. He seemed to feel better after that.” →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

And They Called the Problem Maria!

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Hattip to Instapundit.  Matthew Belinke gives us a letter written by the Mother Superior of the future Maria von Trapp to her fellow Nuns about their errant novice:

 

 

So what can be done? I have been conducting frequent meetings on the subject with the most senior nuns, and a number of options have been proposed:

  • KICK HER OUT. Vetoed. These walls were not built to shut out problems; we have to face them.
  • FEED HER LESS. By limiting her rations, we may deny her the energy to do things like waltzing on the way to Mass or spinning around on mountaintops with her arms outstretched.
  • ADMINISTER FREQUENT, SAVAGE BEATINGS. I am shocked at the number of times this was suggested. For shame, sisters. I know it can be truly frustrating when she will not stay and listen to all you say, but we are nuns! Nuns!
  • LOAN HER OUT AS A NANNY TO AN ECCENTRIC NAVAL HERO. I don’t really understand this plan. How is this going to make her a better nun? If anything, I feel that putting her in close proximity to children will exacerbate her own childish tendencies.

Sisters: I will consider our course. In the meantime, let us pray for a solution to this seemingly insoluble problem of Maria. We must have faith that we can climb every mountain, ford every steam, follow every rainbow, ’til Maria either stops being so annoying or falls in love with someone and gets married. I sincerely hope that the time soon arrives when we can turn our attention to more pressing matters. For instance, I hear the Nazi Party is quite popular nowadays? →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

Greenpeace Lies About Santa!

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Greenpeace has released the above video where an obviously fake Santa complains about global warming at the North Pole.  Rejoice children of all ages, the video is a lie:

 

The inconvenient truth is that planet Earth now has the equivalent of 330,000 Manhattans of Arctic ice, Steve Goddard notes in the blog Real Science. Even before the annual autumn re-freeze was scheduled to begin, he says, NASA satellite images showed an unbroken ice sheet more than half the size of Europe already stretched from the Canadian islands to Russia’s northern shores. No polar bears were seen drowning.

As the Daily Mail reports, “A chilly Arctic summer has left nearly a million more square miles of ocean covered with ice than at the same time last year — an increase of 60%.” The much-touted Northwest Passage from the Atlantic to the Pacific froze up and has remained blocked by pack ice all year. More than 20 yachts that had planned to sail it have been left ice-bound and a cruise ship attempting the route was forced to turn back. →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

Thanksgiving For Small Blessings

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Each Thanksgiving I say grace for my family and thank God for His major blessings in our life, but what about the small blessings?  Here I make up for the lack:

1.    That William Shatner has not directed another Star Trek film.

2.    That the Pope has not yet condemned blogging as a complete waste of time.

3.    That I have never tasted tofu turkey.

4.    That President Obama did not attempt to do for car insurance what he has done for health insurance.

5.    That my bride likes my snoring. →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

PopeWatch: Batman

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From The Eye of the Tiber, the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net:

Hollywood, CA––”Hello, it’s Pope Francis,” were the first words spoken during a conversation in which His Holiness telephoned Zack Snyder, director of the upcoming film “Man of Steel 2.” “Hello Your Holiness,” answered a dazed Snyder, no stranger to celebrities but still star struck to be speaking to the Holy Father, the Vicar of Christ on earth. “Listen, I’ll get to the point,” said Pope Francis, “I thought 300 was awesome, and Man of Steel was pretty great too. But I don’t know about Ben Affleck as Batman in your next movie.” Snyder reportedly stuttered at this point, unsure what to answer His Holiness. “I mean, I trust you as a director and all that, and I’m sure it won’t be that bad, but there really weren’t any better choices? I mean this is the guy that played Daredevil. Did you even see that movie?” →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

Barry Manilow Would Have Done it for Me

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As I used to tell my kids, it’s a crazy world out there, and it gets a little crazier every day:

 

A McDonald’s outlet in Australia has begun playing classical musical and opera late at night to deter young people from loitering around the restaurant.

Abe Lincoln v. Madison Avenue

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Classic.  Bob Newhart’s bit from 1960 about a conversation between Abraham Lincoln and a then modern day press agent just prior to the Gettysburg Address.

PopeWatch: Homosexuality is Now Mandatory!

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I would note at the beginning of this post that Saturday PopeWatch posts are lighthearted and that this post is taken from the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net:  Eye of the Tiber:

New York, NY––During an interview given while walking from his airplane arriving from Brazil to the 1983 Ford Escort awaiting to take him to the Vatican, His Holiness Pope Francis declared the new ex-cathedra Catholic dogma that all members of the Catholic Church must become homosexual, the New York Times reported. This declaration is said by the New York Times to have sent shock waves through the Catholic world, and delighted the enormously powerful “Gay Lobby,” said by the Times to control the interior workings of the Holy See. “If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge, and would it not be judgmental for me to not require all Catholics to walk in his footsteps?” the Holy Father reportedly told the New York Times. This comes in stark contrast to the words of Pope Benedict XVI, who, according to the New York Times, said that “If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, it is the duty of every Catholic to judge him.”

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