9

PopeWatch: Fear the Dogs of God!

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just a day after students at Indiana University mistook a Dominican for a member of the Ku Klux Klan, students and members of the faculty have been placed on high alert, with fears that the person in question could possibly be a devout Catholic praying on campus.

According to reports, Student Body President Allen Cheung wrote a post on Facebook saying, “There has been a person reported walking around campus in a Dominican outfit holding a rosary. Because the person is protected under first amendment rights, IUPD cannot remove this zealot from campus unless an act of violence is committed, like trying to convince students about the objective truths of Catholicism.”

“Please, PLEASE, PLEASE be careful out there tonight,” Cheung continued. “Always be with someone, and if you have no dire reason to be out of the building, I would recommend staying indoors lest you be indoctrinated.”

Other students also posted their own warnings on social media telling their roommates to keep safe and to remember that priests don’t approve of premarital sex or contraception, because of the “extreme hatred they have for anything fun or liberating.”

Indiana University officials put out a statement early this morning warning students to take proper precautions when going outdoors.

“We advise that students do not walk alone,” the statement read. “If you are confronted by the Dominican zealot, do not look him in the eyes, as this dangerous individual may attempt to convince you that you are a sinner, or worse, make you believe that not everything is acceptable just because it makes you feel good. Furthermore, should you run into this medieval time traveler, please remember atrocities he committed during the Spanish Inquisition, and that he has been trained in the art of manipulation and torture. If you are accused of being a witch or a Jew, admit nothing, and run to the nearest safe-space and call for help.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Holes and Pegs

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic News on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

WASHINGTON––In an interview with CNN’s Erin Burnett, former President Jimmy Carter talked about his letter to mathematicians. In it, Carter called on leading mathematicians to support efforts to fit square pegs in round holes.

“I asked them to join with me in doing some of these things to prevent inequality, and to prevent segregation between figures, and to prevent unnecessary discrimination between different types of shapes, and to prevent things of that kind,” Carter said.

The former president went on to say that there was a movement towards equality in the geometric community, but that mathematicians had done much to support discrimination by ‘ordaining’ that squares were not equal to circles:

“This has been done and still is done by the mathematic community ever since the dawn of geometry, when mathematicians ordained that a circle cannot fit into a square, for instance, but another square can. A circle can fit into a circle, but it can’t fit into a square. This is wrong, I think.”

The geometric community has come out in defense of only squares fitting into square holes saying that the former president “grossly misunderstands” geometry.

“Carter’s comments about the role of squares shows a gross misunderstanding of geometry,” a spokesman for the mathematic community Ashley Thompson told EOTT this morning. “As math teachers across the globe continue to remind us, a square is a plane figure with four equal straight sides and four right angles. They have a very important role in geometry. But their role is not to be a circle or even to attempt to fit into a circle.” Continue Reading

13

Irish History, the Short Version

 

Hattip to Dale Price.  Of course it is unfair to characterize Irish history as mere drunkenness.  My sainted Mother had me listen to quite a bit of Irish music as I grew up,  and I still enjoy it, and Irish ballads also feature these elements of the Irish careening through this Vale of Tears:

 

1.   Be maniacally happy.

2.   Be maniacally sad.

3.   Blame the English for everything bad that has happened to the Irish.

4.   Celebrate an Irishman who left Ireland as soon as he was able.

5.   A celebration of the charms of rural Ireland written by someone who would have sooner died than leave Dublin.

6.   Mention the IRA, without mentioning that during the 60’s many Irish said the letters actually stood for I Ran Away.

7.   Be about the death of a beloved pet or child.

8.   Idolize near alcoholism.

9.   Mention Saint Patrick or a leprechaun.

10. Throw in a few Irish gaelic phrases for the singer to mispronounce. Continue Reading

11

PopeWatch: The National Remnant Reporter

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

The Remnant Newspaper and The National Catholic Reporter announced yesterday that they have entered into a merger agreement to create a new entity called The National Remnant Reporter.

The organization will become the third-largest Catholic reporting organization in North America and the sixth-largest in the world.

As part of the agreement, former Reporter employees will no longer be permitted to write articles that contain more than 95 percent garbage, while Remnant employees will be asked to sign a form acknowledging that Pope Francis is not the Beast as foretold in the Book of Revelation. The USCCB will add an additional $1,000,000 into the new company to make sure the merger goes through.

“We really don’t have the money to spare, but this is a priority and an opportunity we cannot miss,” said USCCB representative Alex Puente. “I mean, how awesome would it be to witness the chaos if this thing actually goes through. That would be the best money we’ve spent in decades.”

Puentes later said in a press release, “By bringing together these two newspapers through this transaction, we are hoping to create a strong platform for Catholic humor for years to come. The combined brands will increase the level of madness in the Church. We have the utmost respect for both companies, and greatly look forward to taking, what has up till now been freaking hilarious combox feuds, to a more face-to-face and personal level, with everything recorded and posted on youtube for everyone’s viewing pleasure.” Continue Reading

2

PopeWatch: Hans Kung

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Famous Swiss theologian Hans Küng has reportedly sent a letter to Pope Francis, asking him to reconsider the Church’s stance on the Resurrection of Christ.

Speaking to the media this morning from his office in Germany, Kung told reporters that he hoped that “one of the most open-minded” popes in his lifetime would publically declare that the Resurrection did not take place, urging the Pope to also reconsider the Church’s stances on such issues as papal infallibility, the celibacy of priests, and euthanasia.

Speaking to EOTT about the future of the Church, Küng said that the Church needed to reform its outdated thinking before [the Church] became extinct.

“Centuries have passed and as society has continued to evolve, the Church remains stuck in the past,” Küng said. “If the Church is to survive, it is imperative that the hierarchy begins to acknowledge that such issues such as papal infallibility and the resurrection are archaic dogmas. This is just the first step, mind you. Once this is acknowledged, we must reconsider the idea of there being a god. Only then, when the antiquated idea of a higher being that created the universe becomes obsolete in the mind of the Church, then and only then, can we move on from us thinking we are in need of a Church as a voice of a god that does not even exist.”

When asked when he had changed his views on the existence of God, Küng said that, “When I have used the word God in the past, I was simply speaking of myself.”

“One cannot say that God is dead, because I am clearly still alive. I am God. And so are you. Everyone is a little God, and when we speak about a resurrection, we must speak of it only in so far as we are all little Gods that rise in the morning to rule over our own little worlds.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Hair Today

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just days after Super Tuesday, Donald Trump’s hair reportedly called Texas Catholic and apologist Michael Voris’ hair to “comb on over to the bar” to celebrate the victory.

According to reports, Trump’s hair told Voris’ hair that there would be “Hell toupee,” if he did not eventually win the GOP nomination.

“Listen, hairs where the story ends for the other nominees, alright?” Voris’ hair reportedly said, “You got the nomination locked, so just relax and take a breath. It would literally be unbeweavable if you didn’t win it. So hat’s off to you.”

Trump’s hair later went on to ask Voris’ hair whether he ever just sat back and pondered Hamlet’s question, “Toupee or not toupee” after contemplating the sad state of affairs in Washington and the Vatican, to which both replied at once “Toupee! Not even a question,” before laughing and finishing their pints.

“It really is a sad state in the Church, that’s for sure,” Voris’ hair bitterly told Trump’s hair. “There’s just so much corruption in this post-Vatican II Church that you got be Sheerlock Combs to get to the bottom of who’s really pulling the strings in the Church. Sadly, I’m not that guy, because ain’t no sheers coming near this puppy, amiright!” Continue Reading

17

Future National Catholic Register Post: The Pope on Satan: Nine Things to Know and Share

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November 15, 2016

 

A furor has arisen regarding the Pope’s comment in an interview in his flight back to Rome that “Satan got a raw deal from God.”  Here are nine things to know and share:

  1. It is possible that a mistranslation occurred.  The colloquial Italian phrase that the Pope used for raw deal can also be understood to mean “distasteful deal”.
  2. The Holy Father may have been speaking humorously.  When Father Lombardi, Vatican spokesman was asked about this, he merely smiled, shrugged his shoulders and walked away.
  3. If the Pope was speaking seriously, perhaps he was intending to convey how Satan was looking at the situation.  Do not most sinners think they get a raw deal? Viewed from that vantage point, the Pope’s statement was correct, albeit incomplete.
  4. We must recall that this is the Year of Mercy and perhaps the Holy Father was attempting to say that God’s mercy extends even to Satan.
  5. The Vatican has denied that this statement constituted an all is forgiven message from the Pope to the Prince of Darkness
  6. This is not a reversal of the traditional teaching of the Church regarding Satan.  At most it is a minor development that the Pope may, or may not, expand upon.
  7. This statement was not made ex cathedra, but it must be treated with respect as Catholics must treat all statements of the Pope with respect.
  8. Islamic jihadists who are now calling Catholics devil worshipers are completely misinterpreting what the Pope said.
  9. I am not paid enough for doing this.

 

 

1

PopeWatch: Pope Michael

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

The Vatican has announced that Pope Francis will visit Kansas in July to commemorate the 26th anniversary of Pope Michael’s election to the papacy, just months before visiting Sweden to commemorate the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation.

During the July 16th trip to Kansas, Francis will take part in a joint prayer service with the conclavist community, the Vatican reported earlier this week.

Word of the visit to Kansas was reported Monday, after Francis learned that Michael would not be able to make it to Rome for what the Vatican was calling, “Remorsapalooza.”

The announcement was made during the Week of Prayer for Christian Unity, where Francis asked forgiveness “for the sins of our divisions that were, one hundred percent of the time, caused by the Church.”

“It’s all our fault,” Francis told leaders from the Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, and atheist communities. “To the Muslim community, I ask forgiveness for beginning the crusades. To our protestant brethren, we ask forgiveness for everything we did to cause the Reformation. And we ask forgiveness to our Jewish brethren for everything that happened to your community in consequence of the crucifixion. Definitely our fault.”

Francis went on to admit that every bad thing that had ever happened in the history of man, even those that took place before Christianity “was the fault of the Catholic Church,” before going on to lash himself for the Church’s sins for nearly three hours.

“We cannot erase what happened before, but we do not want to allow the weight of past wounds to continue to contaminate our relations,” Francis said at Rome’s Basilica of St. Paul Outside the Walls. “Therefore, I offer St. Paul Outside the Walls to Pope Michael and all the tens of people that he shepherds.”

 

Continue Reading

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Larry D Summarizes His Experiences at Patheos

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Larry D, who blogs at Acts of the Apostasy, one of the most intentionally funny Catholic websites not named Eye of the Tiber, summarizes in Trek Speak his parting of the ways with Patheos, or, as he calls it, The Blorg.  Go here to read all about it.  When it comes to Patheos, Catholic bloggers need the spirit of Commander Eddington: Continue Reading

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Bear Growls: Pope and Bears

 

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Our bruin friend at Saint Corbinian’s Bear looks at papal interaction with a “bear”:

 

According to this report from Eye of the Tiber, Pope Francis granted a private audience with the celebrity Bear from the motion picture, “The Revenant.” Many have written to the Bear asking for a statement.

First of all, this so-called “Bear” is fake. That’s right. According to Variety, the bear is CGI.

The Bear wishes to make it perfectly clear that he is not bothered by some fake bear being a celebrity, while the Bear labors in obscurity. At least he knows he’s the real thing. Does Pope Emeritus Benedict’s coat of arms have some anonymous, fake, CGI bear on them? No. They unmistakably have St. Corbinian’s Bear, complete with pack. So, now who’s famous, Mr. Fake CGI imaginary bear?

So what to make of the Pope’s pitiful propaganda effort to convince the world that he is on good terms with Bears? Clearly, the Bear has gotten under his skin. He knows the growing popularity of the Bear is a threat to his Jesuitical plots. So His Holiness is trying to neutralize the Bear.

Here is the truth. The only Bears that are behind the Pope are South American Spectacled Bears, and Polar Bears, who are working the global warming scam for all its worth by swimming out to tiny ice features and hoping somebody takes their picture.

My friends, long after this so-called “bear” has been buried in the graveyard of forgotten CGI animals,  like that tiger from Life of Pi, or the 50 rampaging mammoths from 10,000 B.C., the Bear will still be writing his ephemeris, growing his audience, scrutinizing the Vatican like Bernardo Gui on methylphenidate. If a freelance Bear inquisitor high on speed doesn’t scare you, nothing will.

There’s only one place to find the real Bear. It’s right here, friends. Thank you for your continued support. Continue Reading

20

The Creed as Currently Understood

 

Elliot Bougis at FideCogitActio has drafted a new Creed for the Age of Francis:

 

The Nicercene Creed

I [want to] believe in one God,
the Father [pretty much] almighty,
[evolutionary] maker of heaven and earth,
of [I guess] all things visible and invisible.

I [recognize that Christians prefer to] believe in one Lord Jesus Christ,
the [not necessarily] Only Begotten Son of God,
born [of the early Christian consciousness] of the Father before all ages.
God [or guru] from God, Light [or role model] from Light,
true God [among others] from true God,
begotten, not [entirely] made [up], [perhaps] consubstantial with the Father;
through him [or her] all things were made [unless you find that problematic].
For us men [and women and pets and rain forests] and for our salvation [or mere consideration]
he [claimed that he] came down from heaven,
and by [what we’ll generously agree to call] the Holy Spirit was incarnate [in Christian discourse] of the [putatively] Virgin Mary,
and became man.
For our sake he was [allegedly] crucified under Pontius Pilate,
he suffered death [as befits any false Jewish prophet] and was buried,
and [according to Christians, at least,] rose again on the third day
in accordance with the [passages of the] Scriptures [that don’t offend Jews].
He [was memorialized as having] ascended into heaven
and is [best depicted in classical art as being] seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again in glory [as the long-expected Jewish Messiah and in Muhammad’s train]
to [non-judgmentally] judge the living and the dead [who are already in Heaven if they were good at their own religion or even irreligion]
and his kingdom [among multiple other kingdoms] will [most likely] have no end.

[Oh, yeah, and] I believe in the Holy Spirit, the [Christian] Lord, the giver of life [and of circumcision],
who proceeds from [what Christians refer to as] the [“]Father[“] and the [“]Son[“],
who with [or perhaps without] the [“]Father[“] and the [“]Son[“] is adored and glorified [solely by Christians],
who has spoken [of a still-promised Jewish Messiah] through the [interreligiously sanitized] prophets.

I [am, I guess, willing to] believe in [at least] one, [generally] holy, catholic [but not Roman Catholic] and apostolic [but not anti-Judaic] Church.
I [don’t mind if others] confess one Baptism [or circumcision or lifetime of pagan piety] for the forgiveness of sins [if such there be]
and I look forward to the resurrection [or at least recollection] of the dead
and the life[style] of the [religiously pluralistic] world to come.
Amen[?] Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Screen Saver

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

An illuminated projection of the Microsoft Office Bubbles theme onto the facade of St. Peter’s on Tuesday evening drew large crowds as the new basilica screen saver appeared, notifying the faithful that the basilica had not been in use for 10 minutes.

The decision to use the new screensaver was made by Senior Vatican Security official Claudio Aquila who said that it was the Vatican’s duty to protect St. Peter’s from terrorists attempting to infiltrate the basilica.

“We can no longer trust that simple security measure such as more guards will keep the basilica safe,” Aquila told EOTT this morning. “Now, even if a terrorist somehow gets through security, they will not be able to enter the church without first entering a password.”

Critics say that the new measures are bothersome, especially since security officials are mandating that all employees of the Vatican change their password every first Friday of the month.

“Just this morning I left work for just fifteen to get an espresso, and when I got back, it was locked,” said one opponent of the new screensaver. “I had forgotten the password, so I was forced to sit there for ten minutes guessing it. In the end, I had to call technical support to help me reset my personal passcode. I changed it to Screw_the///environment79. Please don’t publish that.”

At press time, Vatican officials are toying with changing the bubbles screensaver with that cool one with the bungalow on the water somewhere in Bali where you wish you were, but can’t because your job pays you crap. Continue Reading

4

PopeWatch: Sheep Dip

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

A new terrorist video put out today by Starbucks shows the latest batch of Christmas killers being trained by the terror group called “Barista.”

The 9-minute propaganda video released by Starbucks shows masked trainees wielding non-festive red cups and making inflammatory remarks such as “Happy Holidays” in an unknown location in Seattle, Washington.

The chilling video of green-clad barista terrorists standing behind a counter serving paying hostages moments before serving them Gingerbread Lattes in red cups with no mention of Christmas on them is being called one of the most terrifying images of our times.

In the video, the barista terrorists are seen smiling as they clearly undermine the saving power of Christ. The paying hostages are forced to pay for lattes and frappuccinos as a tattooed barista announces, “Thank you…have a great day,” without once mentioning Christmas. The paying hostages, who apparently chose to become hostages, are then given a chilling smile before each is forced to wait for their drink to arrive. The 9 minute-long propaganda video goes on to show terrified hostages receiving their drinks in little red cups that neither mention Christmas or Holidays.

In another part of the video, a barista is heard asking whether the hostage would like a receipt, instead of reciting the Nativity narrative from the Bible word-for-word to the hostage as is done in more civilized parts of the world.

“This is perhaps one of the most sickening videos I’ve ever seen,” said Christian pastor Thomas Hayes who was once a hostage himself. “I believe these barista terrorists are trying to send a clear message: “If you’re going to enjoy a warm latte on a cold winter evening, you’re going to have to convert to corporate paganism.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Beanie Babies

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The Vatican’s leaks scandal intensified Tuesday after a book detailing the millions of euros Vatican officials used to purchase Beanie Babies and in-app Clash of Clans upgrades was published.

Although “Merchants in the Temple,” by journalist Roberto Nuzzi is due out Thursday, EOTT was able to obtain an advance copy. Its publication comes just days after the Vatican announced the arrests of two high-ranking officials who reportedly spent close to € 157,000 on pogs.

The arrests of the Vatican officials marks a new chapter in what many are calling “Vatileaks,” which began in 2012 and peaked with the conviction of Pope Benedict XVI’s butler on charges he spent upwards of 3.7 million euros on Super Soakers, Tickle Me Elmos, and Slap Bracelets.

After Benedict retired, Francis was elected with a mandate from his fellow cardinals to reform the Vatican bureaucracy and clean up its finances. He set out to create a commission of experts to gather information from all Vatican offices to see where the money was going.

“Holy Father…there is a complete absence of transparency in the bookkeeping both of the Holy See and the Governorate,” five auditors wrote Francis in 2013, according to Nuzzi’s book. “Costs are out of control and it is quite difficult to meet with anyone, due to the fact that many in the Vatican are often too busy playing Candy Crush.”

It goes on to mention that Vatican officials had spent all of 2014’s Peter’s Pence money in just over two months on Clash of Clans gem upgrades.

“Every day I walk the streets of Rome and see the homeless and other citizens of this city,” one anonymous Vatican official told EOTT. “Not on purpose…I mean I’m not trying to see them. I’d rather not see them, but since the homeless and other Romans are there walking, I am often forced to look up so I do not trip, but when I look up, I begin to lose in Clash of Clans. When I lose, I need to spend more money on the app. Since it is typically the fault of a drunk homeless man bumping into me on my way to work, then it should be the homeless man that pays for the in-app purchase. But they have no money, so I simply take it from Peter’s Pence. And like that, we are even. It all makes sense now?” Continue Reading

6

PopeWatch: Futbol

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

A source close to Pope Francis this week reported to the media that His Holiness met privately in Washington last week with Tom Brady, the quarterback in New England who defied an NFL order to not deflate balls and cheat during games.

Senior Vatican officials initially did not confirm that the meeting had occurred until Wednesday afternoon, though they refused to discuss any of the details.

Mr. Brady, the star quarterback in Foxborough, Massachusetts, has been at the center of a nationwide controversy over whether quarterbacks of private football franchises have a legal right to deflate footballs used during NFL games.

On Tuesday night, Brady’s lawyer, Benjamin D. Alexander, said that Mr. Brady was sneaked into the Vatican Embassy by car on Thursday afternoon. Francis gave Brady his rosary and told him to “stay strong,” the lawyer said. Brady met for about 15 minutes with the pope, who was accompanied by security guards and aides.

“I put my hand out and he reached and grabbed the football I was spinning in my hand, and I hugged him and he hugged me,” Brady said Wednesday in an interview with EOTT. “He thanked me for my courage, then began to deflate the football. We both started laughing and we high-fived.”

“I had tears coming out of my eyes,” Brady went on to say. “I’m kind of a big deal, so it was really humbling for him to think I would want to meet or know him. It made me feel good to do something like that for somebody who’s not as good looking as I am.”

For the most part, Francis avoided any inflammatory talk about NFL controversies during his U.S. trip, and early in his papacy even signaled a tolerant attitude about cheaters with his now famous comment, “Who am I to deflate?” In his final Mass in Philadelphia just hours before his departure back to Rome, Francis said that God is revealed through the “covenant of one man and one ball.” Continue Reading

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An E-Mail Going Around Catholic Theological Circles

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Colleagues, it is time for us to take a stand.  It has come to our attention that some of our members have come under attack from a group of right-wing Catholics who have no academic credentials:  not a theological degree among them.  As far as we can tell, none of them are even college graduates.  They are all white (of course) and all male (of course).  Some of them have produced texts that have been used against our fellow Catholic academics, often resulting in cries of heresy being raised by people who share their narrow, blinkered view of Catholicism.  This is intolerable in the twenty-first century for brilliant scholars to be held to account by ignorant yahoos.  We therefore ask you to append your names to the attached open letter and e-mail it back to us for future publication.  United, we can prevail over this assault of anti-intellectualism masquerading as Catholicism! Continue Reading

4

PopeWatch: The Center Cannot Hold

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Just days after Pope Francis called for a “healthy decentralization” of power in the Catholic Church, Bishops at the Synod have now announced that they are calling for a “healthy decentralization” of power in their dioceses, giving more decision-making authority for local pastors.

The bishops made their comments at a ceremony marking the 50th anniversary of the founding of the Synod of Bishops, a worldwide gathering of bishops that occasionally does something worthwhile.

Cardinal Walter Kasper told those gathered that the type of collegiality envisioned by the Second Vatican Council still had not been achieved, and that it was not too late for pastors themselves to decentralize their own authority, and to give more decision-making authority to their parishioners.

“Pastors and even parishioners should have more authority to make decisions affecting themselves rather than always looking to the Catechism of the Catholic Church or Canon Law for a centralized decision that has to fit all,” he said.

Local pastor Fr. Devin Hayes told parishioners after reading an email from his bishop about the decentralization that he “had to take action immediately.”

“I feel the need to move ahead with a healthy decentralization of our parish and to allow every parishioner his or her own authority to make decisions so you don’t always have to look to me for an answer,” Hayes wrote on the parish website. “Do what you will, knowing in full confidence that your own conscience is your Vatican. I hereby elect every one of you Pope. Habemus A Lot Of Papam, or whatever the plural is for papam.”

As the synod enters its final days, bishops will produce a final paper that the pope may use to write his own authoritative document on the issues, wherein Francis will reportedly remind bishops that they can ignore the letter altogether if they wish because of the decentralization of authority. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Satire and Reality

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Members at the Synod on the Family have entered into one of the most controversial subjects facing the Synod: how should the Church treat gay persons who divorce their same-sex partners and remarry without first obtaining permission from the Church.

Insiders at the Synod say that bishops were divided as to how to handle the “sticky” situation regarding homosexual couples that have divorced and remarried without first obtaining an annulment from the Church.

“The annulment process is quite laborious for those whose marriages the Church does not recognize,” said one Synod insider. “If one does not have an actual marriage, how then does he or she proceed with the annulment process so that they can once again receive communion? That is the crux of the matter.”

A spokesman for the Vatican told EOTT that a number of bishops had brought up completely doing away with what they considered  “the antiquated notion of sin,” and allowing all members and non-members of the Catholic Church to receive communion.

“The idea is being proposed because no one should be excluded from the grace given when one receives communion,” the spokesman went on to say. “Let me rephrase that; not no one, but rather, most everyone should not be excluded. Those who committee such vile sins such as smoking, littering, and being heterosexual would incur latae sententiae. Naturally.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: The Hermeneutic of Saint Nicholas

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

A massive brawl broke out Thursday morning at the Synod during the 90-hour opening address by Hungarian Cardinal Péter Erdo, witnesses are reporting.

The brawl broke out just after Cardinal Erdo appeared to have concluded his four day opening address to the bishops before informing them that he would begin the second half of his address after a short restroom break.

Footage obtained by EOTT shows a tired and disgruntled Cardinal Walter Kasper screaming at Erdo to “shut up and get on with the communion divorce stuff” when Archbishop Charles Chaput picks up what looks to be a thurible, lights it on fire, swings it around a few times before finally launching at the head of the German Cardinal.

“It was amazing how quickly it all escalated,” one witness told EOTT. “Next thing you know, a German bishop comes in throwing copies of Laudato Si like ninja stars at people. Lot of people were hit. Blood everywhere.”

At one point, Pope Francis is seen trying to separate the Cardinals, but is eventually pushed out of the way by the rival groups.

The video also shows Cardinal Robert Sarah being helped up on a horse before being handed a shield and sword, and is then heard trying to motivate his side of cardinals during a 15-minute hiatus in the brawl.

“I am Cardinal Sarah,” Sarah is seen shouting to a large number of cardinals in front of him. “And I see a whole army of my fellow bishops, here in defiance of sin! You have come to fight as orthodox men. And orthodox men you are! What will you do without orthodoxy? Will you fight?”

One cardinal in the video is heard saying that they are outnumbered before shouting “No! We will run…and give communion to divorced couples!”

“Yes!” Sarah is heard shouting back. “Fight and you may die. Run and you will live and give communion to divorced and remarried couples at least awhile. And dying in your rectory many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance, to come back here as aging and balding men and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they will never distort our doctrine! Oh, wait, they’re distorting our doctrine. Aren’t those German bishops a sneaky bunch. Everyone run.”

At press time, Benedict has shown up and is quoted as telling Sarah and the rest of the bishops, “Not so fast,” before hiking up his cassock to get up on his own horse. Continue Reading

1

50 Ways to Rig a Synod

 

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Father Z brings us a musical treat:

 

It is my pleasure to release here the super ultra exclusive new hit from the always backward-looking performance artist Zuhlio!

With the disturbing foreknowledge that the organizing office of the Synod of Bishops was going to change the rules and procedures yet again, the artist Zuhlio teamed up with the legendary T. Ferguson (whose initials are strangely similar to those of this blog’s official parodohymnodist Fr. Tim Ferguson).

You will recall some of Zuhlio’s previous hits, which you no doubt hum to yourselves even now.  Who can forget Where Have All the Sisters Gone How about “Lady Tambourine Priest”?  How about his even bigger hit song from his urban rapper phase “Aging Hippie Paradise”. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Saved by a Dart

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Pope Francis was hit with a tranquilizer dart this afternoon just moments after putting down a scripted speech to speak off-the-cuff with reporters on his flight to the U.S., officials are reporting.

In a 80-minute briefing to the media, a lighthearted Pope Francis began to speak “very candidly,” when the head of the Pope’s security team, reportedly realizing the havoc the off-the-cuff remark might have on the rest of the U.S. trip, discreetly glanced at another member of the security team and nodded. That’s when, one witness reported, the Holy Father was struck in the neck with the dart and “went down like a ton of bricks.”

“Pope Francis had just seconds earlier mentioned the words ‘do not judge;’ that’s when it happened,” said a reporter on the papal flight. “He immediately stopped talking, felt the dart in his neck, and just dropped.”

Another witness reported seeing a number of officials quickly whisking the Pope’s limp body away to private section of the plane. The dart was removed shortly thereafter, and the groggy Pontiff awoke and found himself shackled to a post away from the media for the remainder of the trip. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Environtion

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

In a strategic attempt to speak about abortion at the White House without being “lambasted” by the media Wednesday, Pope Francis spent the majority of his time substituting the words “environment” and “climate change” for the actual subject of his address: abortion.

“It seems clear to me that abortion, I mean climate change, is a problem which can no longer be left to a future generation,” Francis said, catching his gaffe, the first of many, during the talk. “Mr. President, I find it encouraging that you are proposing an initiative for reducing abortions, excuse me…that is, air pollution,” Francis said. “Accepting the urgency, it seems clear to me also that killing babies in the womb, sorry, I had a long flight…I meant climate change is a problem which can no longer be left to a future generation.”

Francis twice quoted his own encyclical on the environment, which many believe was actually an encyclical on abortion.

“When it comes to the care of our ‘common home’, which is not unlike that of a womb if you kinda think about it, not that I’m talking about abortion right now, of course, we are living at a critical moment of history,” he said. “We still have time to make the changes needed to bring about an end to this genocide…excuse me, did I say genocide? Weird. By genocide, I meant, a sustainable and integral development, for we know that things can change. Such change demands on our part a serious and responsible recognition of the kind of world we may be leaving to our children. Children that are procreated from the love of a man and a woman, and that are defenseless inside their mother wombs and should be protected from abor…climate change.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Annulment Prime

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net , Eye of the Tiber:

 

The Vatican announced today that it’s making faster, easier annulments an option via its brand new delivery system, Annulment Prime.

The news confirms reports that surfaced last week indicating that the Vatican was staffing up a new “separation division” to compete with services offered by its protestant competitors.

The service will give Annulment Prime members faster annulment options at a fraction of the cost. As an introductory offer, members who sign up to Annulment Prime in the next two days will receive a 30-day free trial. Members will also have access to annulment paperwork order-tracking, as well as the option to track the priest working on his or her case in real-time.

The Vatican says that “customers” will see their annulments finalized and delivered within a day or less with no additional charges or delivery fees. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Year of Mercy

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Pope Francis announced Tuesday that he will allow Roman Catholic women to have as many abortions as they want during the upcoming Holy Year of Mercy, MSNBC is reporting.

According to MSNBC, Francis said that he will allow women the “discretion to absolve themselves of the venial sin of abortion if they had already procured one and had a contrite heart.” They also went on to report that Francis urged women who were wanting to procure an abortion to wait until the beginning of the Year of Mercy beginning December 8 so that they would “not need a contrite heart at all.”

The MSNBC reporter told EOTT this afternoon that Pope Francis announced that the holy year was a way to promote inclusiveness no matter what the cost, saying that the Church could finally “make more evident its mission to be Episcopalian.”

The Holy Father also reportedly implored priests who offered forgiveness for abortion to “stop wasting their time, and to enjoy a year off from hearing confessions, as the Year of Mercy would be “so freaking abundant in mercy” that nothing could possibly separate the people of God from his love.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Wascally Wabbits

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just days after Pope Francis made statements supporting the Church’s ban on artificial means of birth control, media outlets from across the globe are now reporting that the “progressive” pope has finally overturned the Church’s long-standing ban on contraception for bunnies.

Speaking with reporters on a flight Monday from the Philippines to Rome, Francis encouraged Catholics to use natural family planning so as not to breed like rabbits, before going on to add that rabbits would, from now on, be allowed the use of certain forms of artificial birth control.

MSNBC Vatican analyst Reese Moore reported that although the Church’s ban on humans using birth control has sadly not been overturned, that bunny contraception was a step in the right direction.

“This is certainly a step in the right direction,” Moore told EOTT this morning. “It appears to be an unprecedented statement that bunnies too may have a moral responsibility to limit the number of their offspring. When the Pope makes a statement saying that rabbits need not breed like rabbits, it appears as though the Pope is asking rabbits world-wide to look at Catholics as an example of responsible parenthood. I firmly believe that Pope Francis is testing the waters here for something truly groundbreaking.” Continue Reading

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Bear Growls: Dear Reinhard

Dear Reinhard

As I have often said of some of my offspring, my bruin friend at Saint Corbinian’s Bear is “scary smart” and this piece of all too true satire will leave a mark on Reinhard Cardinal Marx:

 

 

Dear Reinhard: Is Sex With a Prostitute Adultery?

Once again, we look over the shoulder of Germany’s favorite advice columnist, Reinhard Marx, as he opens up his mailbag…

Dear Reinhard,

My wife and I have been married for eighteen years and have a six year old daughter. I love my wife, but for three years I have been seeing a sex worker in a Munich brothel, Magdalena. She is the only working girl I ever visit, and I  have fallen in love with her. Although I realize this may be less than ideal, I love both my wife and Magdalena.

I hear some people saying that this may be “adultery,” and, further, that it could be a mortal sin and maybe I shouldn’t take communion! I am a good Catholic and want to do the right thing. Surely God recognizes the stable and loving relationship I enjoy alongside my marriage? What should I do?

Signed,
Muddled in Munich

Reinhard replies…

Dear Muddled:

Don’t be so hard on yourself. As the editors of the traditions gathered together under the name “Jeremiah” wrote: “The heart is perverse above all things, and unsearchable, who can know it?” Pascal, though only a Frenchman, expressed a similar sentiment when he said, “The heart has its reasons that reason knows not.” What these authors, separated by centuries, agree upon is this: you cannot control whom you love.

The important thing is that we find a way for you to feel welcome in the Church in your clandestine extramarital relationship with Magdalena. Is it right to call a committed, though unorthodox, loving relationship adultery? I think not. So enjoy the blessings of love (and love!) and do not let small-hearted naysayers keep you from communion!

I am sending you an autographed copy of Pope Francis’ friend and collaborator Archbishop Victor Manuel Fernandez’s “Heal Me With Your Mouth: the Art of Kissing.” (Sounds like you could use it!)

God bless you!
Reinhard

Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Butchery

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

A priest arrested in the butchering of a beloved Mass in Zimbabwe was released Wednesday by an ecclesiastical court on $1,000 bail.

Fr. Theo Braxton, a professional Mass butcher since the 1960’s, said through his attorney that he was innocent of ruining a Mass in Zimbabwe, after he was asked to cover for a sick priest while vacation in the southern part of Africa. Church officials in Zimbabwe said Friday that killing the beloved Mass could bring a sentence of more than 10 decades in purgatory.

“My client is innocent of what is being accused,” Braxton’s attorney Roger Mahoney told the press this morning. “Fr. Braxton relied on the expertise of local Catholic priests to ensure a licit Mass.”

But many around the globe are contesting his argument, telling EOTT that Braxton was not innocent of butchering the Mass, and that he is known to kill the Mass for sport.

“Fr. Braxton lured the parishioners out of the pews and onto the sanctuary during a sentimental homily about coming together as one family,” a member of a conservative liturgical group in Zimbabwe said. “Fr. Braxton then asked them to remain there for the consecration, but went on to make up his own words of institution, a method for which he is known. But the Mass just barely survived another 20 minutes until the Fr. Braxton walked down the center aisle giving parishioners high-fives, killing the Mass as he did so.” Continue Reading

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Shocking New Discovery About Christ!

 

From those brilliantly twisted folks at The Lutheran Satire.  As CS Lewis said:

 

You will find that a good many Christian political writers think that Christianity began going wrong in departing from the doctrine of its founder at a very early stage. Now this idea must be used by us to encourage once again the conception of a “historical Jesus” to be found by clearing away later “accretions and perversions,” and then to be contrasted with the whole Christian tradition. In the last generation we promoted the construction of such a “historical Jesus” on liberal and humanitarian lines. We are now putting forward a new “historical Jesus” on Marxian, catastrophic and revolutionary lines. The advantages of these constructions, which we intend to change every thirty years or so, are manifold. In the first place they all tend to direct man’s devotion to something which does not exist. Because each “historical Jesus” is unhistorical, the documents say what they say and they cannot be added to. Each new “historical Jesus” has to be got out of them by suppression at one point and exaggeration at another point. And by that sort of guessing (brilliant is the adjective we teach humans to apply to it) on which no one would risk ten shillings in ordinary life, but which is enough to produce a crop of new Napoleons, new Shakespeares, and new Swifts in every publisher’s autumn list. . . . The “historical Jesus,” then, however dangerous he may seem to be to us at some particular point, is always to be encouraged.

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PopeWatch: Comment

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Days after a sting operation caught on video showed a top Planned Parenthood official casually discussing the shipment of aborted fetus body parts to research labs around the country, many in the world are still somehow shocked that a corporation that makes hundreds of millions of dollars for dismembering helpless babies and scaring vulnerable girls has been involved in unethical practices.

“Well I think there’s been a kind of misrepresentation of the conversation that took place in the transcript in the conversation in the video that they have,” House Minority Leader said. “I believe it’s very clear that Planned Parenthood organization does not engage in fetal organ trafficking. That would be unethical and immoral. Planned Parenthood has a moral right to dismember babies, but they do not have the right to traffic them. I think that’s a point made pretty clear in the teachings of the Church fathers.”

The Planned Parenthood President issued a statement yesterday saying, “Our top priority is the compassionate care that we provide while killing babies after scaring the living crap out of their vulnerable mothers. In the video, one of our staff members speaks in a way that does not reflect that compassion. She’s correct in everything she says, but her tone was incorrect. I personally apologize for that. On a side note, how are people shocked right now? Seriously, what could lead anyone to believe we’d not do something like this? Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: No Trump-Pope Ticket in 2016

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Close to a week after presidential nominee Donald Trump called Mexicans “rapists” and “disease carriers,” the 69-year-old business mogul has now decided not to ask Pope Francis to run as his vice presidential nominee after learning that the Pontiff speaks Spanish.

“Mr. Trump has decided that, though the Pope is not Mexican, he still represents a threat to the U.S. because Argentina and Mexico are practically the same thing, if you know what I’m saying,” a Trump advisor told EOTT this morning. “Citizens of both countries speak the same language, and they speak it fast, and traffic drugs, and rape people.”

The advisor also added that, outside the facts stated above, and the fact that the “might-as-well-be-Mexican Pope,” stands for nearly the complete opposite of everything Trump does, the Pope would have been a perfect running mate.

“Mr. Trump would like me to express the fact that he is nevertheless excited to meet with the Pope when he visits the U.S., and just hopes that [Francis] does not take advantage of the American people’s hospitality by taking one of their jobs while he’s here.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Sodom and Gomorrah

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just hours after ruling that all Americans, no matter their sexual orientation, can now legally marry the people they love, the U.S. Supreme Court went forward with plans to demand that God apologize and make amends for His actions at Sodom and Gomorrah.

Many are calling the decision to hold God liable for the destruction of the impenitent cities as a victory for gay rights activists who have fought for centuries to see God brought to justice.

The justices found that, under the 14th Amendment, states must issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples and recognize same-sex unions that have been performed in other states, and that the Divine judgment of God that was passed upon Sodom and Gomorrah was unjust. Justice Anthony Kennedy delivered the majority opinion and was joined by Justices Ginsburg, Kagan, Breyer and Sotomayor in calling God to step down from his post immediately. Continue Reading

5

Germans and Robot Ants: What Could Go Wrong?

 

Uh-Oh:

 

Festo has created a fleet of bionic ants capable of working together, as well as function on their own, in order to complete tasks, just as their real-life counterparts do, according to Business Insider. The objectives for these ants will focus on automating factories.

These tiny machines, developed under the company’s Bionic Learning Network, were born through the process of biomimicry, which combines nature and robotics to create machines.

Festo said back in March that the insects are built with 3D-printed plastic powder melted by a laser, as well as 3D printed circuitry. Their legs are ceramic and their pincers are flexible actuators that can move quickly without using much energy.

Other features include a stereo camera and floor sensor that work together to help the ant figure out its location and identify objects that it needs to grab. The robot also comes with an antennae that charges its lithium batteries.

The ants are tasked with objectives such as transporting large, heavy loads that they wouldn’t be able to lift on their own. Continue Reading

4

It Crashed Before The Declaration Was Saved!

A cute video imagining the Declaration of Independence being drafted on Microsoft Word.

John Adams on August 6, 1822 in a letter to Timothy Pickering who had inquired as to how the Declaration came to be drafted responded as follows:

You inquire why so young a man as Mr. Jefferson was placed at the head of the Committee for preparing a Declaration of Independence, I answer; It was the Frankfort advice, to place a Virginian at the head of every thing. Mr. Richard Henry Lee, might be gone to Virginia, to his sick family, for aught I know, but that was not the reason of Mr. Jefferson’s appointment. There were three committees appointed at the same time. One for the Declaration of Independence, another for preparing articles of Confederation, and a other for preparing a treaty to be proposed to France.  Mr. Lee was chosen for the Committee of Of Confederation, and it was not thought convenient that the same person should be upon both. Mr. Jefferson came into Congress, in June, 1775, and brought with him a reputation for literature, science, and a happy talent of composition. Writings of his were handed about, remarkable for the peculiar felicity of expression. Though a silent member in Congress, he was so prompt, frank, explicit, and decisive upon committees and in conversation, not even Samuel Adams was more so, that he soon seized upon my heart; and upon this occasion I gave him my vote, and did all in my power to procure the votes of others. I think he had one more vote than any other, and that placed him at the head of the committee. I had the next highest number, and that placed me the second. The committee met, discussed the subject, and then appointed Mr. Jefferson and me to make the draught, I suppose because we were the two first on the list.

The sub-committee met. Jefferson proposed to me to make the draught I said, “l will not.” “You should do it.” “Oh! no.” “Why will you not? You ought do it.” “I will not.” “Why?” “Reasons enough.” “What can be your reasons?” “Reason first–You are a Virginian, and a Virginian ought to appear at the head of this business. Reason second–I am obnoxious, suspected, and unpopular.  You are much otherwise. Reason third–You can write ten times better than I can.” “WelI,” said Jefferson, “if you are decided, I will do as well as I can.” “Very well.  When you have drawn it up, we will have a meeting.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Drought

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

In response to California’s four-year drought, California Governor Jerry Brown has ordered the country’s first-ever mandatory baptism restrictions.

Brown’s executive order mandates that all churches in California cut back baptisms by 25 percent. The actual baptism restrictions are left in part up to the local dioceses, which will determine baptism limits and ways to monitor how many individuals are being saved by the blood of the Lamb.

Brown told the press this morning that the 25 percent of baptisms that are to be cut also applies to full immersion baptisms that take place in the ocean or lake.

In response to cut backs in baptisms, Archbishop of San Francisco Salvatore Cordileone criticized Brown’s measure to possibly restrict an additional 25 percent, and to force those to be strictly baptisms made by desire.

“We understand that the Governor believes we need to conserve water,” Cordileone told EOTT this afternoon. “But that we might have to force an additional 25 percent of incoming Catholic to wait until death to be baptized is ridiculous. On the bright side, I was able to talk him out of possibly mandating that all incoming pro-life Catholics be baptized by blood.” Continue Reading

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Great New Vatican Initiatives!

Pope Being Environmentally Conscious

 

Mundabor  celebrates these Vatican initiatives:

 

At this point you already all know about the latest, surprisingly coherent decisions in the Vatican. Lest it be told that I only speak of the man in order to criticise him, I would like to say a word or two of praise at least of the coherence involved.

1. The Vatican decision to shut down and destroy all air conditioners within the Vatican city (similar measures will be implemented in every Catholic diocese in time) is at least a sign of coherence. Granted, the one or other old prelate may die, at least indirectly, because of the heat that follows (it promises to be a very hot summer in Rome), but it is good to see that there is the willingness to put one’s sweat where one’s encyclical is. Note that the air conditioning appliances will be destroyed, not sold. It makes sense, as selling them would only encourage consumerism and shift the problem to other offices and households. 

2. The decision, also announced, to put an immediate end to every travelling of the Pope is likewise to be praised. In the age of the Internet and social media, the voice of the Pope can reach pretty much anyone without any need to cause huge Co2 emissions for himself, his entourage, the security, the journalists, and the rest of the circus. Twitter is so environmentally friendly…

3. Even more coherent is the decision to put an end to World Youth Days. Millions of people gathering every time. A stunningly expensive exercise in terms of not only money (which can be given to the poor), but emissions. One can agree or not with the ideology of Laudato Si, but here is one saying that at least they practice their bad preaching.

4. I find the decision to have the Vatican carbon-neutral within 2016, and every diocesan office within 2019, a tad extreme. It will obviously require not only to sweat in summer, but also to freeze in winter; and the Roman winters can be fairly punishing at times, at least if you never lived in Connecticut, or Minnesota. It will require to curb the use of electricity, gas, fuel, mobility, food, everything. It will be a mess. But it will also give a great contribution in introducing that kind of simple, poor, rural society in which the Pontiff clearly sees the solution to our problems. And it will be an example. A great, if stupid, example.  Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Martians

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

New Calcedonia, Mars––Thousands of New Calcedonian martians from the northern quadrant of sector 490-3t protested outside New St. Peter’s today as bishops began talks on a number of heated issues including inter-species marriage and receiving communion in the pinchers. “The faithful and bishops alike are hoping to cover all the core issues that the average Catholic martian on the planet’s going through; issues such as understanding ‘the fall’ in regards to the martian race, and of course, receiving communion in the pinchers as opposed to one of the tongues,” spokesman for the Church in sectors 490-3t and 490-4t Androm’da Zmit told the press outside New St. Peter’s Square. “I have faith that our Holy Father Beeblebrox XV, together with the bishops, will be able to guide the faithful in these decisions…to help them better understand how he, she, or heshe can better telecommunicate the gospel.” One issue receiving lots of attention is that of intergalactic marriage. The question of whether humans could lawfully marry martians was first thrust into the spotlight when well known intergalactic space hockey player Xed Zardox fell in love with martian actress Trillion Pan Vogon, causing a storm of controversy. Other issues the bishops are considering are whether it’s admissible to form crop circles outside one’s own property and whether human probing is to be allowed during Lent. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Game Changer

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Members of the Synod on the Family scrambled to meet today to discuss what some bishops are calling “a game changer” after Bruce Jenner appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair revealing his new Caitlyn Jenner identity.

The impromptu meeting was called by Cardinal Reinhard Marx to review how they could leverage what he called the potential “straw that broke the discriminatory camel’s back.”

“You guys…tell me you saw Caitlyn on Vanity,” a giddy Marx said to fellow members of the synod as he clutched the magazine tightly to his chest and hopped up and down. “Look at this, look at this…is she not a doll? Listen…she might look like a doll, but she’s human just like us, and deserves the right to become whoever she wants and to do whatever she wants, and we as a Church need to applaud her courage. This is it boys…the day we’ve been waiting for.”

Marx went on to address the council members, asking all those gathered to make proposals for how to get his idea of a more inclusive Church into the official synod document before the “African bishops” found out about it. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Irish Snakes

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Ireland overwhelmingly approved a referendum to allow “snakes” back in the country on Saturday, becoming the first country in the world to allow such a move by popular vote. Though the final tally is yet unknown, the referendum achieved the support of an estimated 65 percent of the population.

Michael Fitzpatrick, prominent supporter of the “Hell No” campaign, conceded the referendum’s defeat Saturday morning.

“It is a sad day now that Ireland has approved reentry of paganism,” Fitzpatrick said, explaining how, although snakes have never actually existed in Ireland, that the referendum would now allow the “pagans,” which he believed the snakes represented in the time of St. Patrick, to take back their country from Catholicism.

Supporters of the reentry of paganism erupted with jubilation in Dublin, which has long been a liberal stronghold. But the referendum received support throughout the whole country.

As a result of the referendum, which amends Ireland’s constitution to approve of snakes “without distinction as to length or toxicity of their venom,” pagans in the country will be permitted by law to begin deconstructing everything Catholicism has built as soon as this summer. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Third Degree

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

New Haven, CT––The Knights of Columbus, which are made up of wealthy white men and organized into Jurisdictions, Districts, and Councils boasting of over 14,000 local units in America alone, were founded by Fr. Michael J. McGivney, who was totally a real person and whose real name was, no joke, “McGivney,” with the mission, “to prevent Catholic men from entering secret societies whose membership was antithetical to Church teaching.” Upon entrance, a new Knight is given the title “First Degree” during a ceremony to which no one who is not a member is invited. After serving in the Knights for a certain un-specified amount of time and attending their meetings (which are not closed off except to those who have not gained membership in the Knights), the member enters the “Second Degree” by partaking in a ritual service which is entirely open to all who are members of the Knights of Columbus. Similar events happen during the “Third” and “Fourth” degree ceremonies. “Joining the Knights of Columbus is quite simple,” said Second Degree Knight Robert Burkens. “One simply must be a male, over 18, and Catholic, and current Knights will seek him out and badger him to join, treating him as somehow not truly Catholic until he does. The Insurance policy is completely optional, but recommended, since soon-to-be St. John Paul II was once quoted as saying ‘The Knights of Columbus Insurance Policy is the right hand of the Catholic Church.’” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Eternity

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Galveston, TX–Multiple sources at Prince of Peace Catholic Church in Galveston, Texas have just confirmed that parish pastor Fr. Robert Warner is “never going to wrap up his freaking homily.” 29-year-old mother of three Katrin Flores told Eye of the Tiber that Warner, whose homily was now running more than 25 minutes long, did not seem to be losing any steam whatsoever. “There was a couple times there where we thought he was about to shut it down, but then he’d say something like, ‘A couple more points I’d like to cover.’ But each of those ‘points’ had sub-points, and then there was that ten-minute span when he went off on a tangent about growing up in Warsaw with his strict-though-not-overbearing mother. Seriously demoralizing.” James Thorpe, who was on his third restroom break in just under 15 minutes, reported that Warner wasn’t a terrible speaker, but that he wasn’t Fulton Sheen either. “The man’s a time vampire,” Thorpe said as he suddenly felt an urgent desire to slowly redo his tie before returning to his pew. At press time, Warner has given the congregation a glimmer of hope by pausing for a few seconds before beginning again with the words, “In 1972…a man by the name of…” Continue Reading

5

Donall and Conall Teach Richard Dawkins About Circular Arguments

 

From those twisted folks at The Lutheran Satire.  Dawkins, and others of his mindset, attempt to erect Science as a substitute religion, even as they absolutely refuse to seriously entertain the truth of Hamlet’s observation:    There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.  Attempting to turn the intellectual instrument of Science into a religion underlines this statement from CS Lewis that looks increasingly prophetic as the years roll by:

“Men became scientific because they expected Law in Nature, and they expected Law in Nature because they believed in a Legislator. In most modern scientists this belief has died: it will be interesting to see how long their confidence in uniformity survives it. Two significant developments have already appeared—the hypothesis of a lawless sub-nature, and the surrender of the claim that science is true. We may be living nearer than we suppose to the end of the Scientific Age.”  

11

PopeWatch: Banished

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just months after igniting a firestorm for preaching Catholic doctrine from the pulpit, local priest Fr. Keith Crowell was reassigned to the diocese’s smallest parish “out in the sticks,” a source from the diocese is reporting.

It was three months ago when Crowell was caught on video denying that the miracle of the loaves and fishes ought to be attributed to the multitudes after they shared the little food the apostles had to distribute, as opposed to the long held belief that Christ literally multiplied the food. The video quickly went viral, with many protesting outside of his church and calling for his dismissal.

“Yeah, we weren’t exactly shocked to learn that Fr. Crowell was being reassigned to our parish,” said parishioner Jacob Denver from Crowell’s new church. “We get all the orthodox ones. It’s crap. Any time there’s a fundamentally solid priest pissing off the bishop, they send him to us because there’s a lot less of us to indoctrinate. It’s hard being a Catholic in the boonies, I’ll admit that. Sometimes I just wish we could move into a rich suburban area where we won’t have to constantly be nagged about confession and stuff like that. We’ll just be nagged about giving more money and be left alone after that. Not a bad trade off.” Continue Reading

1

PopeWatch: Jesus

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

In an unprecedented move, more than 100 prominent San Francisco based Roman Catholics signed a petition and ran a full-page ad Friday calling on God to remove Jesus from the Trinity for fostering “an atmosphere of division and intolerance.”

The plea follows months of dissent within the archdiocese over Jesus’ emphasis on traditional, conservative doctrine, including asking all Catholics to accept that both sex outside of marriage as well as homosexual relations are “gravely evil.”

In their open letter to the God, Jesus critics say his morality-clause push is not only mean-spirited, but that it “sets a pastoral tone that is closer to persecution than evangelization.”

San Francisco Catholic Leonard Nibbi, who signed the letter, said the Second Person of the Trinity “is just causing a lot of discord, especially with the young people in the diocese.”

“The crux of our worry is that the faithful are going to become very disenchanted and stop going to church because they don’t like the message that Jesus sent when he preached the kingdom of God some 2,000 years ago,” Nibbi said.

According to a source familiar with the drafting of the open letter to God, the frustrated Catholics first considered running the ad weeks ago. They held off while they appealed to saints, including John the Evangelist and Mary Magdalene, to address their concerns. When nothing came of that, they went public.

Incidentally, don’t expect Jesus to start soft-pedaling his opposition to same-sex marriage. He’s encouraging Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone of San Francisco to join him at a large march in Washington D.C. in favor of “traditional” marriage on April 25. Continue Reading