Humor

An E-Mail Going Around Catholic Theological Circles

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Colleagues, it is time for us to take a stand.  It has come to our attention that some of our members have come under attack from a group of right-wing Catholics who have no academic credentials:  not a theological degree among them.  As far as we can tell, none of them are even college graduates.  They are all white (of course) and all male (of course).  Some of them have produced texts that have been used against our fellow Catholic academics, often resulting in cries of heresy being raised by people who share their narrow, blinkered view of Catholicism.  This is intolerable in the twenty-first century for brilliant scholars to be held to account by ignorant yahoos.  We therefore ask you to append your names to the attached open letter and e-mail it back to us for future publication.  United, we can prevail over this assault of anti-intellectualism masquerading as Catholicism! Continue reading

PopeWatch: The Center Cannot Hold

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Just days after Pope Francis called for a “healthy decentralization” of power in the Catholic Church, Bishops at the Synod have now announced that they are calling for a “healthy decentralization” of power in their dioceses, giving more decision-making authority for local pastors.

The bishops made their comments at a ceremony marking the 50th anniversary of the founding of the Synod of Bishops, a worldwide gathering of bishops that occasionally does something worthwhile.

Cardinal Walter Kasper told those gathered that the type of collegiality envisioned by the Second Vatican Council still had not been achieved, and that it was not too late for pastors themselves to decentralize their own authority, and to give more decision-making authority to their parishioners.

“Pastors and even parishioners should have more authority to make decisions affecting themselves rather than always looking to the Catechism of the Catholic Church or Canon Law for a centralized decision that has to fit all,” he said.

Local pastor Fr. Devin Hayes told parishioners after reading an email from his bishop about the decentralization that he “had to take action immediately.”

“I feel the need to move ahead with a healthy decentralization of our parish and to allow every parishioner his or her own authority to make decisions so you don’t always have to look to me for an answer,” Hayes wrote on the parish website. “Do what you will, knowing in full confidence that your own conscience is your Vatican. I hereby elect every one of you Pope. Habemus A Lot Of Papam, or whatever the plural is for papam.”

As the synod enters its final days, bishops will produce a final paper that the pope may use to write his own authoritative document on the issues, wherein Francis will reportedly remind bishops that they can ignore the letter altogether if they wish because of the decentralization of authority. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Satire and Reality

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Members at the Synod on the Family have entered into one of the most controversial subjects facing the Synod: how should the Church treat gay persons who divorce their same-sex partners and remarry without first obtaining permission from the Church.

Insiders at the Synod say that bishops were divided as to how to handle the “sticky” situation regarding homosexual couples that have divorced and remarried without first obtaining an annulment from the Church.

“The annulment process is quite laborious for those whose marriages the Church does not recognize,” said one Synod insider. “If one does not have an actual marriage, how then does he or she proceed with the annulment process so that they can once again receive communion? That is the crux of the matter.”

A spokesman for the Vatican told EOTT that a number of bishops had brought up completely doing away with what they considered  “the antiquated notion of sin,” and allowing all members and non-members of the Catholic Church to receive communion.

“The idea is being proposed because no one should be excluded from the grace given when one receives communion,” the spokesman went on to say. “Let me rephrase that; not no one, but rather, most everyone should not be excluded. Those who committee such vile sins such as smoking, littering, and being heterosexual would incur latae sententiae. Naturally.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: The Hermeneutic of Saint Nicholas

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

A massive brawl broke out Thursday morning at the Synod during the 90-hour opening address by Hungarian Cardinal Péter Erdo, witnesses are reporting.

The brawl broke out just after Cardinal Erdo appeared to have concluded his four day opening address to the bishops before informing them that he would begin the second half of his address after a short restroom break.

Footage obtained by EOTT shows a tired and disgruntled Cardinal Walter Kasper screaming at Erdo to “shut up and get on with the communion divorce stuff” when Archbishop Charles Chaput picks up what looks to be a thurible, lights it on fire, swings it around a few times before finally launching at the head of the German Cardinal.

“It was amazing how quickly it all escalated,” one witness told EOTT. “Next thing you know, a German bishop comes in throwing copies of Laudato Si like ninja stars at people. Lot of people were hit. Blood everywhere.”

At one point, Pope Francis is seen trying to separate the Cardinals, but is eventually pushed out of the way by the rival groups.

The video also shows Cardinal Robert Sarah being helped up on a horse before being handed a shield and sword, and is then heard trying to motivate his side of cardinals during a 15-minute hiatus in the brawl.

“I am Cardinal Sarah,” Sarah is seen shouting to a large number of cardinals in front of him. “And I see a whole army of my fellow bishops, here in defiance of sin! You have come to fight as orthodox men. And orthodox men you are! What will you do without orthodoxy? Will you fight?”

One cardinal in the video is heard saying that they are outnumbered before shouting “No! We will run…and give communion to divorced couples!”

“Yes!” Sarah is heard shouting back. “Fight and you may die. Run and you will live and give communion to divorced and remarried couples at least awhile. And dying in your rectory many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance, to come back here as aging and balding men and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they will never distort our doctrine! Oh, wait, they’re distorting our doctrine. Aren’t those German bishops a sneaky bunch. Everyone run.”

At press time, Benedict has shown up and is quoted as telling Sarah and the rest of the bishops, “Not so fast,” before hiking up his cassock to get up on his own horse. Continue reading

50 Ways to Rig a Synod

 

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Father Z brings us a musical treat:

 

It is my pleasure to release here the super ultra exclusive new hit from the always backward-looking performance artist Zuhlio!

With the disturbing foreknowledge that the organizing office of the Synod of Bishops was going to change the rules and procedures yet again, the artist Zuhlio teamed up with the legendary T. Ferguson (whose initials are strangely similar to those of this blog’s official parodohymnodist Fr. Tim Ferguson).

You will recall some of Zuhlio’s previous hits, which you no doubt hum to yourselves even now.  Who can forget Where Have All the Sisters Gone How about “Lady Tambourine Priest”?  How about his even bigger hit song from his urban rapper phase “Aging Hippie Paradise”. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Saved by a Dart

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Pope Francis was hit with a tranquilizer dart this afternoon just moments after putting down a scripted speech to speak off-the-cuff with reporters on his flight to the U.S., officials are reporting.

In a 80-minute briefing to the media, a lighthearted Pope Francis began to speak “very candidly,” when the head of the Pope’s security team, reportedly realizing the havoc the off-the-cuff remark might have on the rest of the U.S. trip, discreetly glanced at another member of the security team and nodded. That’s when, one witness reported, the Holy Father was struck in the neck with the dart and “went down like a ton of bricks.”

“Pope Francis had just seconds earlier mentioned the words ‘do not judge;’ that’s when it happened,” said a reporter on the papal flight. “He immediately stopped talking, felt the dart in his neck, and just dropped.”

Another witness reported seeing a number of officials quickly whisking the Pope’s limp body away to private section of the plane. The dart was removed shortly thereafter, and the groggy Pontiff awoke and found himself shackled to a post away from the media for the remainder of the trip. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Environtion

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

In a strategic attempt to speak about abortion at the White House without being “lambasted” by the media Wednesday, Pope Francis spent the majority of his time substituting the words “environment” and “climate change” for the actual subject of his address: abortion.

“It seems clear to me that abortion, I mean climate change, is a problem which can no longer be left to a future generation,” Francis said, catching his gaffe, the first of many, during the talk. “Mr. President, I find it encouraging that you are proposing an initiative for reducing abortions, excuse me…that is, air pollution,” Francis said. “Accepting the urgency, it seems clear to me also that killing babies in the womb, sorry, I had a long flight…I meant climate change is a problem which can no longer be left to a future generation.”

Francis twice quoted his own encyclical on the environment, which many believe was actually an encyclical on abortion.

“When it comes to the care of our ‘common home’, which is not unlike that of a womb if you kinda think about it, not that I’m talking about abortion right now, of course, we are living at a critical moment of history,” he said. “We still have time to make the changes needed to bring about an end to this genocide…excuse me, did I say genocide? Weird. By genocide, I meant, a sustainable and integral development, for we know that things can change. Such change demands on our part a serious and responsible recognition of the kind of world we may be leaving to our children. Children that are procreated from the love of a man and a woman, and that are defenseless inside their mother wombs and should be protected from abor…climate change.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Annulment Prime

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net , Eye of the Tiber:

 

The Vatican announced today that it’s making faster, easier annulments an option via its brand new delivery system, Annulment Prime.

The news confirms reports that surfaced last week indicating that the Vatican was staffing up a new “separation division” to compete with services offered by its protestant competitors.

The service will give Annulment Prime members faster annulment options at a fraction of the cost. As an introductory offer, members who sign up to Annulment Prime in the next two days will receive a 30-day free trial. Members will also have access to annulment paperwork order-tracking, as well as the option to track the priest working on his or her case in real-time.

The Vatican says that “customers” will see their annulments finalized and delivered within a day or less with no additional charges or delivery fees. Continue reading

PopeWatch: Year of Mercy

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Pope Francis announced Tuesday that he will allow Roman Catholic women to have as many abortions as they want during the upcoming Holy Year of Mercy, MSNBC is reporting.

According to MSNBC, Francis said that he will allow women the “discretion to absolve themselves of the venial sin of abortion if they had already procured one and had a contrite heart.” They also went on to report that Francis urged women who were wanting to procure an abortion to wait until the beginning of the Year of Mercy beginning December 8 so that they would “not need a contrite heart at all.”

The MSNBC reporter told EOTT this afternoon that Pope Francis announced that the holy year was a way to promote inclusiveness no matter what the cost, saying that the Church could finally “make more evident its mission to be Episcopalian.”

The Holy Father also reportedly implored priests who offered forgiveness for abortion to “stop wasting their time, and to enjoy a year off from hearing confessions, as the Year of Mercy would be “so freaking abundant in mercy” that nothing could possibly separate the people of God from his love.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Wascally Wabbits

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just days after Pope Francis made statements supporting the Church’s ban on artificial means of birth control, media outlets from across the globe are now reporting that the “progressive” pope has finally overturned the Church’s long-standing ban on contraception for bunnies.

Speaking with reporters on a flight Monday from the Philippines to Rome, Francis encouraged Catholics to use natural family planning so as not to breed like rabbits, before going on to add that rabbits would, from now on, be allowed the use of certain forms of artificial birth control.

MSNBC Vatican analyst Reese Moore reported that although the Church’s ban on humans using birth control has sadly not been overturned, that bunny contraception was a step in the right direction.

“This is certainly a step in the right direction,” Moore told EOTT this morning. “It appears to be an unprecedented statement that bunnies too may have a moral responsibility to limit the number of their offspring. When the Pope makes a statement saying that rabbits need not breed like rabbits, it appears as though the Pope is asking rabbits world-wide to look at Catholics as an example of responsible parenthood. I firmly believe that Pope Francis is testing the waters here for something truly groundbreaking.” Continue reading

Bear Growls: Dear Reinhard

Dear Reinhard

As I have often said of some of my offspring, my bruin friend at Saint Corbinian’s Bear is “scary smart” and this piece of all too true satire will leave a mark on Reinhard Cardinal Marx:

 

 

Dear Reinhard: Is Sex With a Prostitute Adultery?

Once again, we look over the shoulder of Germany’s favorite advice columnist, Reinhard Marx, as he opens up his mailbag…

Dear Reinhard,

My wife and I have been married for eighteen years and have a six year old daughter. I love my wife, but for three years I have been seeing a sex worker in a Munich brothel, Magdalena. She is the only working girl I ever visit, and I  have fallen in love with her. Although I realize this may be less than ideal, I love both my wife and Magdalena.

I hear some people saying that this may be “adultery,” and, further, that it could be a mortal sin and maybe I shouldn’t take communion! I am a good Catholic and want to do the right thing. Surely God recognizes the stable and loving relationship I enjoy alongside my marriage? What should I do?

Signed,
Muddled in Munich

Reinhard replies…

Dear Muddled:

Don’t be so hard on yourself. As the editors of the traditions gathered together under the name “Jeremiah” wrote: “The heart is perverse above all things, and unsearchable, who can know it?” Pascal, though only a Frenchman, expressed a similar sentiment when he said, “The heart has its reasons that reason knows not.” What these authors, separated by centuries, agree upon is this: you cannot control whom you love.

The important thing is that we find a way for you to feel welcome in the Church in your clandestine extramarital relationship with Magdalena. Is it right to call a committed, though unorthodox, loving relationship adultery? I think not. So enjoy the blessings of love (and love!) and do not let small-hearted naysayers keep you from communion!

I am sending you an autographed copy of Pope Francis’ friend and collaborator Archbishop Victor Manuel Fernandez’s “Heal Me With Your Mouth: the Art of Kissing.” (Sounds like you could use it!)

God bless you!
Reinhard

Continue reading

PopeWatch: Butchery

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

A priest arrested in the butchering of a beloved Mass in Zimbabwe was released Wednesday by an ecclesiastical court on $1,000 bail.

Fr. Theo Braxton, a professional Mass butcher since the 1960’s, said through his attorney that he was innocent of ruining a Mass in Zimbabwe, after he was asked to cover for a sick priest while vacation in the southern part of Africa. Church officials in Zimbabwe said Friday that killing the beloved Mass could bring a sentence of more than 10 decades in purgatory.

“My client is innocent of what is being accused,” Braxton’s attorney Roger Mahoney told the press this morning. “Fr. Braxton relied on the expertise of local Catholic priests to ensure a licit Mass.”

But many around the globe are contesting his argument, telling EOTT that Braxton was not innocent of butchering the Mass, and that he is known to kill the Mass for sport.

“Fr. Braxton lured the parishioners out of the pews and onto the sanctuary during a sentimental homily about coming together as one family,” a member of a conservative liturgical group in Zimbabwe said. “Fr. Braxton then asked them to remain there for the consecration, but went on to make up his own words of institution, a method for which he is known. But the Mass just barely survived another 20 minutes until the Fr. Braxton walked down the center aisle giving parishioners high-fives, killing the Mass as he did so.” Continue reading

Shocking New Discovery About Christ!

 

From those brilliantly twisted folks at The Lutheran Satire.  As CS Lewis said:

 

You will find that a good many Christian political writers think that Christianity began going wrong in departing from the doctrine of its founder at a very early stage. Now this idea must be used by us to encourage once again the conception of a “historical Jesus” to be found by clearing away later “accretions and perversions,” and then to be contrasted with the whole Christian tradition. In the last generation we promoted the construction of such a “historical Jesus” on liberal and humanitarian lines. We are now putting forward a new “historical Jesus” on Marxian, catastrophic and revolutionary lines. The advantages of these constructions, which we intend to change every thirty years or so, are manifold. In the first place they all tend to direct man’s devotion to something which does not exist. Because each “historical Jesus” is unhistorical, the documents say what they say and they cannot be added to. Each new “historical Jesus” has to be got out of them by suppression at one point and exaggeration at another point. And by that sort of guessing (brilliant is the adjective we teach humans to apply to it) on which no one would risk ten shillings in ordinary life, but which is enough to produce a crop of new Napoleons, new Shakespeares, and new Swifts in every publisher’s autumn list. . . . The “historical Jesus,” then, however dangerous he may seem to be to us at some particular point, is always to be encouraged.

PopeWatch: Comment

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Days after a sting operation caught on video showed a top Planned Parenthood official casually discussing the shipment of aborted fetus body parts to research labs around the country, many in the world are still somehow shocked that a corporation that makes hundreds of millions of dollars for dismembering helpless babies and scaring vulnerable girls has been involved in unethical practices.

“Well I think there’s been a kind of misrepresentation of the conversation that took place in the transcript in the conversation in the video that they have,” House Minority Leader said. “I believe it’s very clear that Planned Parenthood organization does not engage in fetal organ trafficking. That would be unethical and immoral. Planned Parenthood has a moral right to dismember babies, but they do not have the right to traffic them. I think that’s a point made pretty clear in the teachings of the Church fathers.”

The Planned Parenthood President issued a statement yesterday saying, “Our top priority is the compassionate care that we provide while killing babies after scaring the living crap out of their vulnerable mothers. In the video, one of our staff members speaks in a way that does not reflect that compassion. She’s correct in everything she says, but her tone was incorrect. I personally apologize for that. On a side note, how are people shocked right now? Seriously, what could lead anyone to believe we’d not do something like this? Continue reading

PopeWatch: No Trump-Pope Ticket in 2016

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Close to a week after presidential nominee Donald Trump called Mexicans “rapists” and “disease carriers,” the 69-year-old business mogul has now decided not to ask Pope Francis to run as his vice presidential nominee after learning that the Pontiff speaks Spanish.

“Mr. Trump has decided that, though the Pope is not Mexican, he still represents a threat to the U.S. because Argentina and Mexico are practically the same thing, if you know what I’m saying,” a Trump advisor told EOTT this morning. “Citizens of both countries speak the same language, and they speak it fast, and traffic drugs, and rape people.”

The advisor also added that, outside the facts stated above, and the fact that the “might-as-well-be-Mexican Pope,” stands for nearly the complete opposite of everything Trump does, the Pope would have been a perfect running mate.

“Mr. Trump would like me to express the fact that he is nevertheless excited to meet with the Pope when he visits the U.S., and just hopes that [Francis] does not take advantage of the American people’s hospitality by taking one of their jobs while he’s here.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Sodom and Gomorrah

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just hours after ruling that all Americans, no matter their sexual orientation, can now legally marry the people they love, the U.S. Supreme Court went forward with plans to demand that God apologize and make amends for His actions at Sodom and Gomorrah.

Many are calling the decision to hold God liable for the destruction of the impenitent cities as a victory for gay rights activists who have fought for centuries to see God brought to justice.

The justices found that, under the 14th Amendment, states must issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples and recognize same-sex unions that have been performed in other states, and that the Divine judgment of God that was passed upon Sodom and Gomorrah was unjust. Justice Anthony Kennedy delivered the majority opinion and was joined by Justices Ginsburg, Kagan, Breyer and Sotomayor in calling God to step down from his post immediately. Continue reading

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