Humor

PopeWatch: Flogging Money Out of a Dead Hobbit

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Hollywood, CA–At a press conference today outside his estate in Beverly Hills, acclaimed director Peter Jackson announced his plans to make a 72-film adaptation of J. R. R. Tolkien’s The Silmarillion. “It was the next logical step after doing Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit,” Jackson said. “In Lord of the Rings, we took over a thousand pages of novel and adapted it to the big screen in three extremely long films. Then in The Hobbit, we took a children’s book a fraction the length of Lord of the Rings, and also made it into three extremely long films.”

Jackson then unfolded his plan for Tolkien’s The Silmarillion, which begins with a mythological account of the creation of Middle Earth and culminates in the great battles of the Elves during the First Age. “The first film in the series is set to come out in Summer 2016. Then, every two years from 2018 to 2160, the following installment will be released.”

Returning to the original cinematic backgrounds of the Lord of the Rings movies, Jackson made an executive decision to save costs for shooting the outdoor scenes, and had his studio purchase the entire island of New Zealand. “In the long run it will cost us a lot less. Plus, now the citizens of New Zealand are the property of our studio, so we get free labor to build sets.”

Movie buffs and Tolkien nerds alike are ecstatic over the news, and Jackson, as usual, is enjoying the attention, teasing them about the contents of some of the 72 movies they can look forward to. “16 of the movies will be almost exclusively footage of the elven-folk doing various dances, and I don’t want to say much, but The Silmarillion: Part 49 is subtitled Gandalf Smokes his Pipe. →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

The Modern World is Going to Hell: A Continuing Series: The Tattooed Vermin of the Apocalypse

(I am finally going to be completing this series of posts that I began in 2010.  In preparation for that, I am reposting these articles in their order of appearance.  They will appear once a week on Wednesdays.)

In this series of posts I intend to give rants against trends that have developed in society since the days of my youth, the halcyon days of the seventies, when leisure suits and disco were sure signs that society was ready to be engulfed in a tide of ignorance, bad taste and general buffoonery.

We will start off the series with a look at seven developments that I view as intensely annoying and proof that many people lack the sense that God granted a goose.  I like to refer to these as  The Seven Hamsters of the Apocalypse, minor evils that collectively illustrate a society that has entered a slough of extreme stupidity.  Each of the Seven Hamsters will have a separate post.  The first of the Hamsters is the Tattooed Vermin.

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PopeWatch: Drawing the Line

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

VATICAN–Pope Francis said in his morning Mass on Monday that if Martians came to him asking to be baptized he wouldn’t turn them away, but that when it came to krakens, unicorns, minotaurs, and British elves, he would have to say “absolutely not,” Vatican radio reports.

“If, for example, tomorrow an expedition of Martians came, and some of them came to us, here… Martians, right? Green, with that long nose and big ears, just like children paint them…and one says, ‘But I want to be baptized!’ What would happen?”

Pope Francis would not be one to turn away someone seeking baptism, even if they were an alien. He urged clergy to foster an open door policy for all to receive church teachings including Martians, but also urged them to not get carried away, and to immediately deny any golems, Chineese dragons, and even the Loch Ness Monstor.

Although the pope’s message was one of inclusion, saying “the Holy Spirit is not always predictable,” he justified his exclusion of other never seen creatures such as sirens and chupacabras by saying that he had to “draw the line somewhere.”

Pope Francis is not the first one to hint at alien baptism. Vatican scientist Guy Consolmagno suggested in 2010 that aliens might have souls and could be baptized if they asked for it.

“Any entity, no matter how many tentacles it has, has a soul,” Consolmagno said in a talk preceding the British Science Festival in Birmingham. “But when it comes to creatures like Bigfoot, cyclopes, and hydras, His Holiness is absolutely correct.” →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

Martyrs Read Joel Osteen Tweets

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From those delightfully twisted folks at The Luthern Satire.  May I suggest a follow up of martyrs reading selections from National Catholic Reporter editorials?

Who Still Supports Obama?

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The worst President, alright Mr. Buchanan, I see your hand, maybe he is only tied with you, plumbs new depths of approval for him:

 

Barack Obama’s approval rating slid into dangerous territory this week, with the latest Reuters-Ipsos poll showing just 35 percent of Americans approve of the president’s job performance even as he leads the nation into a war against Islamic fundamentalism in the Middle East.

Fifty-eight percent of Americans expressed disapproval of the White House’s current occupant — 37 percent of them “strongly.” Just 17 percent strongly approved of Obama’s current performance. The poll is based on a five-day rolling average.  →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

Tiber Creek Community Church

Tiber Creek Community Church

 

Church Pop brings us the news:

 

 

ROME, Italy — Pope Francis has changed the name of St. Peter’s Basilica to “Tiber Creek Community Church,” Vatican spokesperson Fr. Federico Lombardi announced this morning.

“The greatest church of Christendom, built on the holy grave of the martyr-prince of the Apostles, has been known as ‘St. Peter’s Basilica’ for 1700 years,” Fr. Lombardi explained. “It was long overdue for a rebranding.”

He continued that this was just the next step in Pope Francis’ greater program of trying to make the church more relatable to the average person.

“How many Catholics today even know who St. Peter is?” Fr. Lombardi asked reporters, eliciting murmurs of agreement. “And besides, referencing St. Peter is a dead giveaway that we’re Catholic.” Fr. Lombardi said that naming the church after it’s geographic location without any denominational identifiers was more in line with how modern people felt about religion.

Fr. Lombardi also announced that projectors and screens would be installed throughout the basilica in the coming week, that a “totally rocking” worship band was being formed, and that Pope Francis planned on making his sermons “relevant to every day life.”

“The Trinity, the Incarnation, the Virgin Birth, these are all interesting — to dead theologians,” Fr. Lombardi said dismissively. “But how does that apply to my everyday life? How will that help me advance in my career? That’s what Pope Francis is going to be focusing on.”

According to an anonymous source within the Vatican, when some of his advisors voiced concerns about the name change, Francis informed them that he had already purchased the new sign.

“He was really proud of the sign,” the anonymous source said. “He told us he already had some great jokes to post up there.” →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

PopeWatch: Burke

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Akron, OH–Pope Francis has reportedly planned to remove Cardinal Raymond Burke from head of the Apostolic Signatura, demoting him to the largely ceremonial role as Head Chaplain for the Akron RubberDucks minor league baseball team.

Although his removal from the Roman Curia (the body of Vatican-based Cardinals who are close advisers to the Pope,) appears to be a slight to many conservative Catholics, some Akron-based Catholic  RubberDucks fans believe Burke’s new role as chaplain and adviser to the minor league team will help revitalize the beloved Double-A affiliate of the Cleveland Indians.

President of the Akron RubberDucks Jacob Wallace told EOTT this morning that the team has been playing liberally in the past few years, and that it was time for a change. “We need to begin playing a lot more conservative…the way we used to play when were winning,” Wallace said. “We believe that his spiritual impact on the team will help us reduce errors. I have personally spoken to Cardinal Burke and he has assured me that there will no longer be anymore stealing bases. Anyone caught stealing will be removed from the team immediately. If we’re going to win, we’re going to win with integrity.”

Burke, who is not only a liturgical conservative, but also a baseball conservative, is also expected to change the RubberDucks jersey back to the old-fashioned retro jerseys the team wore when it was founded in 1997. →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

Another Vote For Scottish Independence

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“The noblest prospect which a Scotchman ever sees, is the high road that leads him to England!”

Dr. Samuel Johnson

As faithful readers of this blog know, I am in favor of Scotland voting to break away from the UK.  Go here to read my reasons why.  I welcome Groundskeeper Willie to the cause, particularly because of his keen insight into the Scottish national character, as he demonstrates below in mentioning some of the mortal enemies of the Scots:

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Update:  Ah, PJ O’Rourke has joined the chorus calling for Scottish Independence:

 

This coming Thursday the Scots will vote on whether to make Scotland an independent nation. And I hope they do because it will be a disaster.

I don’t say this as a prejudiced Irishman. Even though the thistle-arse sheep-shagger Scots swiped Ulster and sent a herd of Presbyterian proddy dogs and porridge wogs to squat on our land and won the Battle of the Boyne in 1690 by using unfair—indeed, unheard of —- organization, discipline, and tactics on an Irish battlefield. We Micks only hold a grudge about such things for 300 years or so. →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

Microaggressions as Opposed to Simple Kvetching

 

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Microaggressions Klavan?  I think this is a new term for thin skinned nitwits who do not have real problems in their life to be upset about.  Go here for some additional examples.  My personal favorite:

 

A Facebook friend posted a picture of a PSA billboard encouraging parents to teach young boys to be respectful of women and the friend added her observation, as a teacher, that young men will meet such expectations if placed before them.

A male commenter added, “And the same can be said for young girls, when they are expected to act like ladies.” Made me feel defensive and unsafe, as though I only deserve respect if I adhere to a strict behavioral code that meets some dude’s definition of a “lady”. →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

PopeWatch: Noise

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Yonkers, NY––Blake Jennings, lead guitarist at St. Therese Parish in Yonkers, New York is outraged over what he calls “years of concerts being interrupted by the Mass.” The 56-year-old accountant and father of three has played with his band at the 9:30 Folk Mass since 2009. “Our fans love us,” Jennings said, after Sunday Mass. “You can see it in their eyes…the way they droop down, lazily closing as we play…as if they’re entering into some kind of ecstasy. Or the way some in the parish are so moved they just can’t stand another moment of joy, and simply walk out…presumably to get some air.” But according to Jennings, many in the band have been becoming ever frustrated with the frequent interruptions to their concerts. “Father’s always interrupting…always trying to upstage us. First it’s a gospel, then a homily, eventually the words of consecration…there’s always something with this guy.” Jennings has recently begun a petition, and hopes to get 2,000 signatures to send to the diocese. →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

PopeWatch: This Explains Liturgical Dance

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From the only source of reliable Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

It is being reported this morning that world-renowned liturgical dancer Doris Griffin has tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs. A USCCB spokesman said that trace amounts of an illegal substance were found in Griffin’s blood early Monday morning. This comes just days after reports that Griffin’s trainer, Jake Stately, admitted that he had not only injected Griffin before “numerous Masses,” but that he also had one of the syringes used on the 56-year-old dancer.

Griffin, who is best known for her treatise on liturgical dancing, The Art Of Body Worship, And So Can You, told Eye of the Tiber that the drug found in her system may have been the result of an over-the-counter weight loss medicine that she had recently started taking. Meanwhile, friends of Griffin have come to her defense saying that, though she had recently been under a grueling schedule, that the liturgical dancing phenomena would never resort to injecting. “The Lord has just blessed her body with such a rhythm…such an ability to properly express the proper flow of worship as to ever need any drugs,” a friend of Griffin said.

The USCCB Commission for Mass Doping, meanwhile, say that they will be suspending Griffin from participating in all Masses where dancing is involved until they have concluded their investigation. “For the time being, Ms. Griffin will only have access to the Tridentine Low Mass.” →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

Sleep Easy America, Biden is on the Job!

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Father Z points out a celebration of the fierce comments of beloved National Clown and Veep Joe Biden on ISIS/ISIL:

 

Meanwhile, from The People’s Cube, we have a solution to the problem of ISIS!

I hope the President is taking notes.

ISIL to be Defeated by Twitter and Instagram Bombardment
Dear Comrades,

Comrade Vice President Joseph Biden has announced that the USSA will chase The Islamic Caliphate (PBUI) ‘to the gates of hell’ with a barrage of fearsome Twitter messages and fatally ironic Instagram photos.

Already successful used by the USSA State Department’s Information Directorate against the bourgeois imperialist Vladimir Putin and the Boko Haram in Nigeria, The Islamic State can soon expect to receive thousand of potentially embarrassing texts and pictures from high-capacity online accounts being prepared at the White Fortress.

Throughout the USSA, countless college students have already volunteered to repost and retweet State messages, adding even heavier firepower to the State’s already considerable resources. So many messages are expected to put Caliphate accounts that many officials expect a total retreat within weeks, if not the closing of thousands of account by disloyal terrorist operatives.

Debilitated by shame and unable to handle ironic humor, Comrade President B. B. Obama has told Party officials he expects total destruction of the enemy back to manageable proportions before his mid-Autumn golf season begins in early October.

We will embarrass the Caliphate back to the Stone Age! Social Pressure is the preferred People’s Weapon!!

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PopeWatch: Spirit of Vatican II

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

CINCINNATI, OH- A Solemn High Requiem Mass was held Thursday at St. Martura Church in downtown Cincinnati for the Spirit of Vatican II, aged 52. After suffering a progressively debilitating illness for the last ten years of its life as a new generation of priests re-examined the Council in light of Sacred Tradition, the Spirit of Vatican II passed away quietly in its sleep last Tuesday.

“The Requiem Mass really brought closure to the community,” said 26-year old Father David Flannigan, FSSP, who celebrated the Mass with Deacon Brady Schwartz, 32, and Subdeacon Anthony LaViera, 23. “While the death of the Spirit of Vatican II was certainly expected, we were glad to offer Mass for its repose.”

“What a beautiful Mass!” commented long-time parishioner Gladys O’Neal. “I hadn’t seen black vestments since I was a little girl. And as much as I love the song On Eagle’s Wings, the Dies Irae sequence really got me thinking about the Four Last Things.”

The Spirit of Vatican II is survived by a dwindling number of aging hippies who dropped out of seminary in the ‘70’s, some faded felt banners, and tambourines presently gathering dust in storage.

When asked to comment, Pope Francis said, “He never took care of himself and took way too many drugs back in the Sixties and the Seventies, which explains his taste in hymns.  May he rest in peace in glorious silence.”

Tips to ISIS on Chicago

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Chicago ain’t no sissy town!

Alderman Michael “Hinky Dink” Kenna

Got to love the modern age.  An Isis terrorist purportedly tweeted the above image which shows the Old Republic building in Chicago:

 

WGNtv.com reports the message on the paper as, “Soldiers of the Islamic state of Iraq and Syria will pass from here soon.” The message is dated “20 June, 2014.”

The text of the tweet adds: “We are in your state, We are in your cities, We are in your streets.” Other tweets say, “we are here #america near our #target…sooooooooooooon.”

Go here to read the rest.  As someone who has some experience with the Windy City, I would like to give the ISIS terrorists some tips:

 

1.  Keep your beheading axes firmly under wraps.  If not, they will be quickly taken by the skilled thieves of Chicago and fenced within two hours flat.

2.  If you set up an operational base in a commercial section, it will be only a matter of hours before some official will be around talking about safety inspections.  Slip him at least 200 or I guarantee something will be found wrong and your base will be shut down.

3.  If you do park a vehicle on the street some sketchy individual will come up and offer to watch your vehicle.  If you do not pay him you might come back and find your car vandalized.  If it is a high end vehicle you might come back and find your car gone. →']);" class="more-link">Continue reading

Kids!

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Christopher Johnson, a non-Catholic who has taken up the cudgels so frequently for the Church that I have named him Defender of the Faith, addresses at Midwest Conservative Journal the perennial question of what to do when a child decides to go astray:

From the dawn of time, parents everywhere have dreaded having to face that terrible moment when one of their children rejects the family religious tradition:

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