Humor

PopeWatch: The National Remnant Reporter

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

The Remnant Newspaper and The National Catholic Reporter announced yesterday that they have entered into a merger agreement to create a new entity called The National Remnant Reporter.

The organization will become the third-largest Catholic reporting organization in North America and the sixth-largest in the world.

As part of the agreement, former Reporter employees will no longer be permitted to write articles that contain more than 95 percent garbage, while Remnant employees will be asked to sign a form acknowledging that Pope Francis is not the Beast as foretold in the Book of Revelation. The USCCB will add an additional $1,000,000 into the new company to make sure the merger goes through.

“We really don’t have the money to spare, but this is a priority and an opportunity we cannot miss,” said USCCB representative Alex Puente. “I mean, how awesome would it be to witness the chaos if this thing actually goes through. That would be the best money we’ve spent in decades.”

Puentes later said in a press release, “By bringing together these two newspapers through this transaction, we are hoping to create a strong platform for Catholic humor for years to come. The combined brands will increase the level of madness in the Church. We have the utmost respect for both companies, and greatly look forward to taking, what has up till now been freaking hilarious combox feuds, to a more face-to-face and personal level, with everything recorded and posted on youtube for everyone’s viewing pleasure.” Continue reading

Anger Trumps Reason

 

Hattip to commenter Greg Mockeridge.  Many politicians deceive people with false promises to win election.  With Trump, he tells his followers, if they would only listen, that he is feeding them a line of hooey that he has no intention of carrying out if elected.

PopeWatch: Hans Kung

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Famous Swiss theologian Hans Küng has reportedly sent a letter to Pope Francis, asking him to reconsider the Church’s stance on the Resurrection of Christ.

Speaking to the media this morning from his office in Germany, Kung told reporters that he hoped that “one of the most open-minded” popes in his lifetime would publically declare that the Resurrection did not take place, urging the Pope to also reconsider the Church’s stances on such issues as papal infallibility, the celibacy of priests, and euthanasia.

Speaking to EOTT about the future of the Church, Küng said that the Church needed to reform its outdated thinking before [the Church] became extinct.

“Centuries have passed and as society has continued to evolve, the Church remains stuck in the past,” Küng said. “If the Church is to survive, it is imperative that the hierarchy begins to acknowledge that such issues such as papal infallibility and the resurrection are archaic dogmas. This is just the first step, mind you. Once this is acknowledged, we must reconsider the idea of there being a god. Only then, when the antiquated idea of a higher being that created the universe becomes obsolete in the mind of the Church, then and only then, can we move on from us thinking we are in need of a Church as a voice of a god that does not even exist.”

When asked when he had changed his views on the existence of God, Küng said that, “When I have used the word God in the past, I was simply speaking of myself.”

“One cannot say that God is dead, because I am clearly still alive. I am God. And so are you. Everyone is a little God, and when we speak about a resurrection, we must speak of it only in so far as we are all little Gods that rise in the morning to rule over our own little worlds.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Hair Today

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just days after Super Tuesday, Donald Trump’s hair reportedly called Texas Catholic and apologist Michael Voris’ hair to “comb on over to the bar” to celebrate the victory.

According to reports, Trump’s hair told Voris’ hair that there would be “Hell toupee,” if he did not eventually win the GOP nomination.

“Listen, hairs where the story ends for the other nominees, alright?” Voris’ hair reportedly said, “You got the nomination locked, so just relax and take a breath. It would literally be unbeweavable if you didn’t win it. So hat’s off to you.”

Trump’s hair later went on to ask Voris’ hair whether he ever just sat back and pondered Hamlet’s question, “Toupee or not toupee” after contemplating the sad state of affairs in Washington and the Vatican, to which both replied at once “Toupee! Not even a question,” before laughing and finishing their pints.

“It really is a sad state in the Church, that’s for sure,” Voris’ hair bitterly told Trump’s hair. “There’s just so much corruption in this post-Vatican II Church that you got be Sheerlock Combs to get to the bottom of who’s really pulling the strings in the Church. Sadly, I’m not that guy, because ain’t no sheers coming near this puppy, amiright!” Continue reading

Future National Catholic Register Post: The Pope on Satan: Nine Things to Know and Share

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November 15, 2016

 

A furor has arisen regarding the Pope’s comment in an interview in his flight back to Rome that “Satan got a raw deal from God.”  Here are nine things to know and share:

  1. It is possible that a mistranslation occurred.  The colloquial Italian phrase that the Pope used for raw deal can also be understood to mean “distasteful deal”.
  2. The Holy Father may have been speaking humorously.  When Father Lombardi, Vatican spokesman was asked about this, he merely smiled, shrugged his shoulders and walked away.
  3. If the Pope was speaking seriously, perhaps he was intending to convey how Satan was looking at the situation.  Do not most sinners think they get a raw deal? Viewed from that vantage point, the Pope’s statement was correct, albeit incomplete.
  4. We must recall that this is the Year of Mercy and perhaps the Holy Father was attempting to say that God’s mercy extends even to Satan.
  5. The Vatican has denied that this statement constituted an all is forgiven message from the Pope to the Prince of Darkness
  6. This is not a reversal of the traditional teaching of the Church regarding Satan.  At most it is a minor development that the Pope may, or may not, expand upon.
  7. This statement was not made ex cathedra, but it must be treated with respect as Catholics must treat all statements of the Pope with respect.
  8. Islamic jihadists who are now calling Catholics devil worshipers are completely misinterpreting what the Pope said.
  9. I am not paid enough for doing this.

 

 

PopeWatch: Pope Michael

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

The Vatican has announced that Pope Francis will visit Kansas in July to commemorate the 26th anniversary of Pope Michael’s election to the papacy, just months before visiting Sweden to commemorate the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation.

During the July 16th trip to Kansas, Francis will take part in a joint prayer service with the conclavist community, the Vatican reported earlier this week.

Word of the visit to Kansas was reported Monday, after Francis learned that Michael would not be able to make it to Rome for what the Vatican was calling, “Remorsapalooza.”

The announcement was made during the Week of Prayer for Christian Unity, where Francis asked forgiveness “for the sins of our divisions that were, one hundred percent of the time, caused by the Church.”

“It’s all our fault,” Francis told leaders from the Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, and atheist communities. “To the Muslim community, I ask forgiveness for beginning the crusades. To our protestant brethren, we ask forgiveness for everything we did to cause the Reformation. And we ask forgiveness to our Jewish brethren for everything that happened to your community in consequence of the crucifixion. Definitely our fault.”

Francis went on to admit that every bad thing that had ever happened in the history of man, even those that took place before Christianity “was the fault of the Catholic Church,” before going on to lash himself for the Church’s sins for nearly three hours.

“We cannot erase what happened before, but we do not want to allow the weight of past wounds to continue to contaminate our relations,” Francis said at Rome’s Basilica of St. Paul Outside the Walls. “Therefore, I offer St. Paul Outside the Walls to Pope Michael and all the tens of people that he shepherds.”

 

Continue reading

Larry D Summarizes His Experiences at Patheos

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Trek 2

Trek 3

 

Larry D, who blogs at Acts of the Apostasy, one of the most intentionally funny Catholic websites not named Eye of the Tiber, summarizes in Trek Speak his parting of the ways with Patheos, or, as he calls it, The Blorg.  Go here to read all about it.  When it comes to Patheos, Catholic bloggers need the spirit of Commander Eddington: Continue reading

Bear Growls: Pope and Bears

 

Bear Blogging

 

Our bruin friend at Saint Corbinian’s Bear looks at papal interaction with a “bear”:

 

According to this report from Eye of the Tiber, Pope Francis granted a private audience with the celebrity Bear from the motion picture, “The Revenant.” Many have written to the Bear asking for a statement.

First of all, this so-called “Bear” is fake. That’s right. According to Variety, the bear is CGI.

The Bear wishes to make it perfectly clear that he is not bothered by some fake bear being a celebrity, while the Bear labors in obscurity. At least he knows he’s the real thing. Does Pope Emeritus Benedict’s coat of arms have some anonymous, fake, CGI bear on them? No. They unmistakably have St. Corbinian’s Bear, complete with pack. So, now who’s famous, Mr. Fake CGI imaginary bear?

So what to make of the Pope’s pitiful propaganda effort to convince the world that he is on good terms with Bears? Clearly, the Bear has gotten under his skin. He knows the growing popularity of the Bear is a threat to his Jesuitical plots. So His Holiness is trying to neutralize the Bear.

Here is the truth. The only Bears that are behind the Pope are South American Spectacled Bears, and Polar Bears, who are working the global warming scam for all its worth by swimming out to tiny ice features and hoping somebody takes their picture.

My friends, long after this so-called “bear” has been buried in the graveyard of forgotten CGI animals,  like that tiger from Life of Pi, or the 50 rampaging mammoths from 10,000 B.C., the Bear will still be writing his ephemeris, growing his audience, scrutinizing the Vatican like Bernardo Gui on methylphenidate. If a freelance Bear inquisitor high on speed doesn’t scare you, nothing will.

There’s only one place to find the real Bear. It’s right here, friends. Thank you for your continued support. Continue reading

The Creed as Currently Understood

 

Elliot Bougis at FideCogitActio has drafted a new Creed for the Age of Francis:

 

The Nicercene Creed

I [want to] believe in one God,
the Father [pretty much] almighty,
[evolutionary] maker of heaven and earth,
of [I guess] all things visible and invisible.

I [recognize that Christians prefer to] believe in one Lord Jesus Christ,
the [not necessarily] Only Begotten Son of God,
born [of the early Christian consciousness] of the Father before all ages.
God [or guru] from God, Light [or role model] from Light,
true God [among others] from true God,
begotten, not [entirely] made [up], [perhaps] consubstantial with the Father;
through him [or her] all things were made [unless you find that problematic].
For us men [and women and pets and rain forests] and for our salvation [or mere consideration]
he [claimed that he] came down from heaven,
and by [what we’ll generously agree to call] the Holy Spirit was incarnate [in Christian discourse] of the [putatively] Virgin Mary,
and became man.
For our sake he was [allegedly] crucified under Pontius Pilate,
he suffered death [as befits any false Jewish prophet] and was buried,
and [according to Christians, at least,] rose again on the third day
in accordance with the [passages of the] Scriptures [that don’t offend Jews].
He [was memorialized as having] ascended into heaven
and is [best depicted in classical art as being] seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again in glory [as the long-expected Jewish Messiah and in Muhammad’s train]
to [non-judgmentally] judge the living and the dead [who are already in Heaven if they were good at their own religion or even irreligion]
and his kingdom [among multiple other kingdoms] will [most likely] have no end.

[Oh, yeah, and] I believe in the Holy Spirit, the [Christian] Lord, the giver of life [and of circumcision],
who proceeds from [what Christians refer to as] the [“]Father[“] and the [“]Son[“],
who with [or perhaps without] the [“]Father[“] and the [“]Son[“] is adored and glorified [solely by Christians],
who has spoken [of a still-promised Jewish Messiah] through the [interreligiously sanitized] prophets.

I [am, I guess, willing to] believe in [at least] one, [generally] holy, catholic [but not Roman Catholic] and apostolic [but not anti-Judaic] Church.
I [don’t mind if others] confess one Baptism [or circumcision or lifetime of pagan piety] for the forgiveness of sins [if such there be]
and I look forward to the resurrection [or at least recollection] of the dead
and the life[style] of the [religiously pluralistic] world to come.
Amen[?] Continue reading

PopeWatch: Screen Saver

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

An illuminated projection of the Microsoft Office Bubbles theme onto the facade of St. Peter’s on Tuesday evening drew large crowds as the new basilica screen saver appeared, notifying the faithful that the basilica had not been in use for 10 minutes.

The decision to use the new screensaver was made by Senior Vatican Security official Claudio Aquila who said that it was the Vatican’s duty to protect St. Peter’s from terrorists attempting to infiltrate the basilica.

“We can no longer trust that simple security measure such as more guards will keep the basilica safe,” Aquila told EOTT this morning. “Now, even if a terrorist somehow gets through security, they will not be able to enter the church without first entering a password.”

Critics say that the new measures are bothersome, especially since security officials are mandating that all employees of the Vatican change their password every first Friday of the month.

“Just this morning I left work for just fifteen to get an espresso, and when I got back, it was locked,” said one opponent of the new screensaver. “I had forgotten the password, so I was forced to sit there for ten minutes guessing it. In the end, I had to call technical support to help me reset my personal passcode. I changed it to Screw_the///environment79. Please don’t publish that.”

At press time, Vatican officials are toying with changing the bubbles screensaver with that cool one with the bungalow on the water somewhere in Bali where you wish you were, but can’t because your job pays you crap. Continue reading

As God is My Witness, I Thought Turkeys Could Fly

 

Well actually some Turkeys can.  Wild Turkeys can fly, albeit clumsily and not more than about 100 yards at a time.  Domestic Turkeys, bred for the table, cannot fly, largely due to their overdeveloped chests, home to all that prized white breast meat.  I don’t know if the publicity stunt would have fared much better with terrified flying wild Turkeys landing near onlookers.  Some things man simply was not meant to meddle with, and that includes dropping Turkeys from great heights.

PopeWatch: Sheep Dip

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

A new terrorist video put out today by Starbucks shows the latest batch of Christmas killers being trained by the terror group called “Barista.”

The 9-minute propaganda video released by Starbucks shows masked trainees wielding non-festive red cups and making inflammatory remarks such as “Happy Holidays” in an unknown location in Seattle, Washington.

The chilling video of green-clad barista terrorists standing behind a counter serving paying hostages moments before serving them Gingerbread Lattes in red cups with no mention of Christmas on them is being called one of the most terrifying images of our times.

In the video, the barista terrorists are seen smiling as they clearly undermine the saving power of Christ. The paying hostages are forced to pay for lattes and frappuccinos as a tattooed barista announces, “Thank you…have a great day,” without once mentioning Christmas. The paying hostages, who apparently chose to become hostages, are then given a chilling smile before each is forced to wait for their drink to arrive. The 9 minute-long propaganda video goes on to show terrified hostages receiving their drinks in little red cups that neither mention Christmas or Holidays.

In another part of the video, a barista is heard asking whether the hostage would like a receipt, instead of reciting the Nativity narrative from the Bible word-for-word to the hostage as is done in more civilized parts of the world.

“This is perhaps one of the most sickening videos I’ve ever seen,” said Christian pastor Thomas Hayes who was once a hostage himself. “I believe these barista terrorists are trying to send a clear message: “If you’re going to enjoy a warm latte on a cold winter evening, you’re going to have to convert to corporate paganism.” Continue reading

PopeWatch: Beanie Babies

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The Vatican’s leaks scandal intensified Tuesday after a book detailing the millions of euros Vatican officials used to purchase Beanie Babies and in-app Clash of Clans upgrades was published.

Although “Merchants in the Temple,” by journalist Roberto Nuzzi is due out Thursday, EOTT was able to obtain an advance copy. Its publication comes just days after the Vatican announced the arrests of two high-ranking officials who reportedly spent close to € 157,000 on pogs.

The arrests of the Vatican officials marks a new chapter in what many are calling “Vatileaks,” which began in 2012 and peaked with the conviction of Pope Benedict XVI’s butler on charges he spent upwards of 3.7 million euros on Super Soakers, Tickle Me Elmos, and Slap Bracelets.

After Benedict retired, Francis was elected with a mandate from his fellow cardinals to reform the Vatican bureaucracy and clean up its finances. He set out to create a commission of experts to gather information from all Vatican offices to see where the money was going.

“Holy Father…there is a complete absence of transparency in the bookkeeping both of the Holy See and the Governorate,” five auditors wrote Francis in 2013, according to Nuzzi’s book. “Costs are out of control and it is quite difficult to meet with anyone, due to the fact that many in the Vatican are often too busy playing Candy Crush.”

It goes on to mention that Vatican officials had spent all of 2014’s Peter’s Pence money in just over two months on Clash of Clans gem upgrades.

“Every day I walk the streets of Rome and see the homeless and other citizens of this city,” one anonymous Vatican official told EOTT. “Not on purpose…I mean I’m not trying to see them. I’d rather not see them, but since the homeless and other Romans are there walking, I am often forced to look up so I do not trip, but when I look up, I begin to lose in Clash of Clans. When I lose, I need to spend more money on the app. Since it is typically the fault of a drunk homeless man bumping into me on my way to work, then it should be the homeless man that pays for the in-app purchase. But they have no money, so I simply take it from Peter’s Pence. And like that, we are even. It all makes sense now?” Continue reading

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