Christopher Johnson, the non-Catholic proprietor of Midwest Conservative Journal who has taken up the cudgels in defense of Catholicism so frequently that I have named him Defender of the Faith, has a brilliant spoof column, taking off from a news story on “let’s pretend” women Catholic “priests”:
Thank you for your interest in becoming a certified Catholic priest. We here at Certified Catholic Priests International, Inc. have helped thousands of people around the world to lead richer, more fulfilling lives as certified Catholic priests.
You probably have lots of questions. The first question everyone asks is, “Do I have what it takes to become a certified Catholic priest?” Our research staff here at CCPI has put together this quick aptitude test to help you find out.
(1) The Roman Catholic Church was founded by: (A) Romulus (B) Former Los Angeles Rams quarterback Roman Gabriel (C) Jim Rome (D) None of the above
(2) “Missal” is: (A) A long-range rocket containing some sort of weapon (B) The opposite of “hittal” (C) What everybody in Council Bluffs, Iowa used to call Miss Alberta Leffingwell, head librarian of the Council Bluffs Public Library from 1939 until 1983 (D) None of the above
(3) When the telegraph was the only form of long-distance communication, the average amount of time that it took to complete one level of Angry Birds was: (A) Six months (B) Four years (C) It depended on the difficulty of the level (D) None of the above