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PopeWatch: Hollywood Bear

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From  the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The bear that played the role of the vicious bear in the movie “The Revenant” met with Pope Francis at the Vatican Thursday, discussing their concern over the environment.

“Your Holiness, thank you for granting me this private audience with you,” the bear growled in Italian as he arrived at the Apostolic Palace before leaning over to eat the pope’s ring and finger as is tradition.

The bear offered Francis a book of works by the early 20th-century writer of Winnie-the Pooh, A.A. Milne, and showed him the reproduction of Michael Bond’s famous portrait of Paddington Bear that had hung over his bear den as a cub.

The bear said he thought the book also represented Francis’ environmental concerns.

An assistant then handed Francis a jar and explained it was filled with honey to help feed hungry bears around the world.

The bear, snubbed for a Golden Globe for his moving portrayal of a bear trying to feed his hungry family in the unsettled wilderness of the northern Louisiana Purchase in the 1800’s,  is a longtime environmental campaigner who in 1998 launched his Yogi Bear Foundation to support initiatives aimed at helping bears learn how to maul people before they get shot in the face.

Francis gave the bear a leather-bound copy of Laudato Si, which was quickly and graciously devoured. Continue Reading

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Bear Growls: Pope and Bears

 

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Our bruin friend at Saint Corbinian’s Bear looks at papal interaction with a “bear”:

 

According to this report from Eye of the Tiber, Pope Francis granted a private audience with the celebrity Bear from the motion picture, “The Revenant.” Many have written to the Bear asking for a statement.

First of all, this so-called “Bear” is fake. That’s right. According to Variety, the bear is CGI.

The Bear wishes to make it perfectly clear that he is not bothered by some fake bear being a celebrity, while the Bear labors in obscurity. At least he knows he’s the real thing. Does Pope Emeritus Benedict’s coat of arms have some anonymous, fake, CGI bear on them? No. They unmistakably have St. Corbinian’s Bear, complete with pack. So, now who’s famous, Mr. Fake CGI imaginary bear?

So what to make of the Pope’s pitiful propaganda effort to convince the world that he is on good terms with Bears? Clearly, the Bear has gotten under his skin. He knows the growing popularity of the Bear is a threat to his Jesuitical plots. So His Holiness is trying to neutralize the Bear.

Here is the truth. The only Bears that are behind the Pope are South American Spectacled Bears, and Polar Bears, who are working the global warming scam for all its worth by swimming out to tiny ice features and hoping somebody takes their picture.

My friends, long after this so-called “bear” has been buried in the graveyard of forgotten CGI animals,  like that tiger from Life of Pi, or the 50 rampaging mammoths from 10,000 B.C., the Bear will still be writing his ephemeris, growing his audience, scrutinizing the Vatican like Bernardo Gui on methylphenidate. If a freelance Bear inquisitor high on speed doesn’t scare you, nothing will.

There’s only one place to find the real Bear. It’s right here, friends. Thank you for your continued support. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Indictments

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

An imperial grand jury investigating criminal allegations against the Galactic Empire stemming from a series of undercover videos instead indicted two Rebel Alliance activists who shot the footage.

In a stunning turn of events, the imperial grand jury declined to indict officials from the Empire, and instead handed felony charges against Grand Master of the New Jedi Order Luke Skywalker and fellow Rebel Alliance activist Han Solo. Skywalker was also charged with a misdemeanor count related to having the hots for his sister, which members of his own legal team even admitted was “totally weird and deserved.”

The case sprang from a number of undercover videos in which members of the Rebel Alliance posed as Stormtroopers and captured several Empire employees appearing to discuss profiting off of the Jedi purge. However, when the videos were released online last year, the Galactic Empire claimed rebels had edited the videos to “created a misperception.”

“The Rebel Alliance uses the same undercover techniques that imperial journalists have used for decades,” Skywalker said in a statement in response to the indictment.

Galactic Empire officials hailed the indictment as vindication of the dark side, saying,  “As the Tatooine dust settles and the truth comes out, it’s become totally clear that the only people who engaged in wrongdoing are those that used the Force to produce this fraud, and we’re glad they’re being held accountable.”

At press time, seriously, why is that whole Luke being in love with his sister thing even in the movie? You’re telling me that no one, not one single person working on set said anything to George Lucas? Something like, “dude, what the heck is up with that?” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Pedicure

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Pope Francis has changed the rules for the Church’s Holy Thursday foot-washing ceremony, issuing a decree allowing women to not only participate in the ceremony, but to have an optional pedicure for the low donation price of just $14.95. That’s right, just $14.95.

In a letter addressed to Cardinal Robert Sarah, the Pope said that 12 “lucky” people would be chosen to participate in the ritual of what is now being called the washing and pedicuring of the feet “from among all members of the People of God whose feet and toenails are in desperate need of superficial cosmetic treatment.”

“For some time I have been reflecting on the rite of the washing of the feet so that we fully express the meaning of the gesture made by Jesus in the Upper Room, his gift of self until the end for the salvation of the world, his boundless charity,” Francis said. “But also because I myself have had countless pedicures over the years and truly understand the importance of tootsie maintenance.”

Francis went on to say that “with the amount of walking the disciples did during their ministries, I am quite certain that they would not have said no to a soothing pedicure once in a while if it was ever offered them.”

Francis also stressed that the average person takes 8,000 to 10,000 steps a day, which adds up to about 115,000 miles over a lifetime, and that all the wear and tear on the feet can be harmful if they are not maintained properly.

“The Lord said,  ‘The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; pray therefore the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest. Go your way; behold, I send you out as lambs in the midst of wolves.’ How can we expect to accomplish this task with wear and tear on our feet? And to the men I say be not afraid! Pedicures are no longer just for women, just as the washing of the feet is no longer just for men.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Drone Strike

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Hoboken, NJ––An SSPV drone strike has accidentally killed three and injured four other Taliban members living in the U.S. Saturday, a spokesman for the Society confirmed before expressing sorrow for the wayward bomb that was originally meant to put a stop to a Novus Ordo Vigil Mass in Hoboken, New Jersey. In a statement to the AP, founder and leader of the sedevacantist organization Bishop Clarance Kelly said that he and other members of the traditionalist sect were grieved about the innocent loss of life, and that an investigation was underway as to why the errant bomb, meant to halt “a most grievous sacrilege,” fell a block north of its target. “We are truly sorry for those affected by this unfortunate miscalculation, and our hearts and prayers are with the loved ones of those killed,” Kelly said. When asked how the Society meant to justify its killing of potentially hundreds gathered at the target of the operation, Kelly responded, saying that there are “circumstances for which pre-emptive strikes must be taken to insure the dignity of the Holy Mass, and it is a sad fact that sometimes there must be collateral damage.” “It is true that members of the Taliban are terrorists, but there is no terrorism worse than the terrorism of the Mass. Members of the Taliban and Al-Qaeda look to kill men and women. But liturgical terrorists attempt to kill something much greater than men or women.” Kelly later confirmed to Eye of the Tiber that the bomb used in the attack was meant only for the priest and five others concelebrating, and that not enough explosives were used to inflict much damage outside the Sanctuary. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Weaponized Catholicism

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

San Diego County Sheriff’s Department officials arrested a “middle-aged Caucasian man” after he allegedly attempted to bless a large group of people in public late Sunday evening.

Fr. Richard Whitaker of San Diego was arrested on suspicion of attempted blessing, sheriff sergeant Roger Burgess told EOTT, and deputies are now confirming that the 31-year-old man had traveled to Rome years prior to becoming a priest.

“A Bible and other items were located inside the suspect’s residence, leading investigators to believe Whitaker may have been a radicalized Catholic,” Burgess said at a press conference earlier today. “Among other things found in his apartment was an arsenal of sacramentals, a Vatican flag, as well as a copy of The Compendium of the Catechism of the Catholic Church, suggesting that Fr. Whitaker may also have been lazy.

Authorities began surveillance of Whitaker’s rectory shortly after the public blessing, and Whitaker was taken into custody when he returned to his apartment shortly after morning Mass.

A cousin of Whitaker, Donald Powell, told EOTT that his cousin began acting odd after returning from a pilgrimage to Rome.

“He just seemed different when he got back,” Powell said. “He began to frequent churches for Holy Hour and visiting monasteries and stuff. All weird, zealot kinda stuff. Within a year of returning he had entered seminary.”

Powell admitted that he may have missed signs that his cousin was being radicalized, pointing out that he had once found what looked to be “bits and pieces” of human remains held in reliquaries in his Whitaker’s bedroom. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Screen Saver

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

An illuminated projection of the Microsoft Office Bubbles theme onto the facade of St. Peter’s on Tuesday evening drew large crowds as the new basilica screen saver appeared, notifying the faithful that the basilica had not been in use for 10 minutes.

The decision to use the new screensaver was made by Senior Vatican Security official Claudio Aquila who said that it was the Vatican’s duty to protect St. Peter’s from terrorists attempting to infiltrate the basilica.

“We can no longer trust that simple security measure such as more guards will keep the basilica safe,” Aquila told EOTT this morning. “Now, even if a terrorist somehow gets through security, they will not be able to enter the church without first entering a password.”

Critics say that the new measures are bothersome, especially since security officials are mandating that all employees of the Vatican change their password every first Friday of the month.

“Just this morning I left work for just fifteen to get an espresso, and when I got back, it was locked,” said one opponent of the new screensaver. “I had forgotten the password, so I was forced to sit there for ten minutes guessing it. In the end, I had to call technical support to help me reset my personal passcode. I changed it to Screw_the///environment79. Please don’t publish that.”

At press time, Vatican officials are toying with changing the bubbles screensaver with that cool one with the bungalow on the water somewhere in Bali where you wish you were, but can’t because your job pays you crap. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Refugees

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Cardinal Walter Kaspar’s anger over resettlement of ultra-traditionalist priests into his dioceses took a new turn Thursday as a growing number of German bishops rushed to oppose Church conservatives’ plan to resettle some 50 SSPX “refugees.”

Five German bishops vowed to block the entry of Society of Pope Pius X priests into their dioceses, arguing that the safety of a “more open Church” was at stake after members of SSPX continued using the 1962 missal long after the Second Vatican Council.

Cardinal Kaspar, who is leading the charge to block entry of the SSPX priests, urged the Vatican to take a harder line when dealing with traditionalist Catholic priests, including members of the Priestly Fraternity of St. Peter, until the ecclesiastical vetting procedures for all traditionalists were “as strong as possible.”

Echoing the debate, several bishops warned that traditionalists could arrive into their dioceses without verifiable documents proving that they are in good standing with the Church in Germany and that they could pose a “medieval, close-minded” threat once there.

“I’m not interested in accepting priests from either SSPX or the Fraternity,” Kaspar told EOTT. “We would have to be very cautious about accepting priests without knowing a lot more about what they believe about Vatican II.”

Campaigning for the papacy while in Germany, Bishop Johan Bonny of Antwerp, Holland, called it “absolute lunacy” to resettle large numbers of traditionalist from either SSPX or the Fraternity.

“Who in their right mind would want to bring over a bunch of rad trads, when German bishops cannot determine, when the Vatican cannot determine, who is and isn’t filled with the Spirit of Vatican II?” he asked.

A spokeswoman for Bishop Bonny said he would introduce a document to keep “tridentine zealots” from entering the Germany, though it was not immediately clear if the document would apply only to members of SSPX or Fraternity priests as well. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Satire?

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Facing financial ruin due to the high cost of trying to provide their son with a good Catholic education, sources confirmed Thursday that parents of high school freshman Johnny Irving, Tom and Lisa, are quite impressed with their son’s growing knowledge of every tenet of every religion, but Catholicism.

According to the freshman’s parents, Irving has gained an immense amount of knowledge about the Koran, The Analects of Confucius, and the Book of Mormon in his class Fundamentals of Catholic Doctrine 101.

“It’s breathtaking the amount of non-Catholic knowledge he’s learning in his Catholic Doctrine class,” Lisa Irving told EOTT. “We’re about a paycheck or two away from filing for bankruptcy just so Johnny can learn about everything but Catholicism at a Catholic school, but it’s so worth it. He always comes home telling us interesting things about Catholic teaching like how according to the Church the most important doctrine is coexistence. And how the Church teaches that it’s pointless to evangelize since a person’s own consciousness, being infused by a higher spirit, stirs within him or her at birth and sanctifies every belief, whim, or desire that person has. I didn’t know that. Probably because I went to Catholic school when classrooms had crucifixes and whatnot in them.”

Lisa went on to say that, though her son still has never heard of the Nicene Creed, that he had memorized several verses from the Koran that incidentally mention Jesus, and that through Buddhist teachings, he has come to learn about Christ the bodhisattva.

“Listen, some people might think $40,000 for a four-year high school education seems absurd, ” Lisa Irving went on to say. “But tell that to me when my son graduates summa cum laude, which of course he will graduate with since every student in that fine scholastic institution graduates with that honor.”

At press time, Johnny is studying for his midterms in one of the school’s mandatory classes, Advanced Being Nice. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Beanie Babies

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The Vatican’s leaks scandal intensified Tuesday after a book detailing the millions of euros Vatican officials used to purchase Beanie Babies and in-app Clash of Clans upgrades was published.

Although “Merchants in the Temple,” by journalist Roberto Nuzzi is due out Thursday, EOTT was able to obtain an advance copy. Its publication comes just days after the Vatican announced the arrests of two high-ranking officials who reportedly spent close to € 157,000 on pogs.

The arrests of the Vatican officials marks a new chapter in what many are calling “Vatileaks,” which began in 2012 and peaked with the conviction of Pope Benedict XVI’s butler on charges he spent upwards of 3.7 million euros on Super Soakers, Tickle Me Elmos, and Slap Bracelets.

After Benedict retired, Francis was elected with a mandate from his fellow cardinals to reform the Vatican bureaucracy and clean up its finances. He set out to create a commission of experts to gather information from all Vatican offices to see where the money was going.

“Holy Father…there is a complete absence of transparency in the bookkeeping both of the Holy See and the Governorate,” five auditors wrote Francis in 2013, according to Nuzzi’s book. “Costs are out of control and it is quite difficult to meet with anyone, due to the fact that many in the Vatican are often too busy playing Candy Crush.”

It goes on to mention that Vatican officials had spent all of 2014’s Peter’s Pence money in just over two months on Clash of Clans gem upgrades.

“Every day I walk the streets of Rome and see the homeless and other citizens of this city,” one anonymous Vatican official told EOTT. “Not on purpose…I mean I’m not trying to see them. I’d rather not see them, but since the homeless and other Romans are there walking, I am often forced to look up so I do not trip, but when I look up, I begin to lose in Clash of Clans. When I lose, I need to spend more money on the app. Since it is typically the fault of a drunk homeless man bumping into me on my way to work, then it should be the homeless man that pays for the in-app purchase. But they have no money, so I simply take it from Peter’s Pence. And like that, we are even. It all makes sense now?” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Futbol

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

A source close to Pope Francis this week reported to the media that His Holiness met privately in Washington last week with Tom Brady, the quarterback in New England who defied an NFL order to not deflate balls and cheat during games.

Senior Vatican officials initially did not confirm that the meeting had occurred until Wednesday afternoon, though they refused to discuss any of the details.

Mr. Brady, the star quarterback in Foxborough, Massachusetts, has been at the center of a nationwide controversy over whether quarterbacks of private football franchises have a legal right to deflate footballs used during NFL games.

On Tuesday night, Brady’s lawyer, Benjamin D. Alexander, said that Mr. Brady was sneaked into the Vatican Embassy by car on Thursday afternoon. Francis gave Brady his rosary and told him to “stay strong,” the lawyer said. Brady met for about 15 minutes with the pope, who was accompanied by security guards and aides.

“I put my hand out and he reached and grabbed the football I was spinning in my hand, and I hugged him and he hugged me,” Brady said Wednesday in an interview with EOTT. “He thanked me for my courage, then began to deflate the football. We both started laughing and we high-fived.”

“I had tears coming out of my eyes,” Brady went on to say. “I’m kind of a big deal, so it was really humbling for him to think I would want to meet or know him. It made me feel good to do something like that for somebody who’s not as good looking as I am.”

For the most part, Francis avoided any inflammatory talk about NFL controversies during his U.S. trip, and early in his papacy even signaled a tolerant attitude about cheaters with his now famous comment, “Who am I to deflate?” In his final Mass in Philadelphia just hours before his departure back to Rome, Francis said that God is revealed through the “covenant of one man and one ball.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: The Center Cannot Hold

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Just days after Pope Francis called for a “healthy decentralization” of power in the Catholic Church, Bishops at the Synod have now announced that they are calling for a “healthy decentralization” of power in their dioceses, giving more decision-making authority for local pastors.

The bishops made their comments at a ceremony marking the 50th anniversary of the founding of the Synod of Bishops, a worldwide gathering of bishops that occasionally does something worthwhile.

Cardinal Walter Kasper told those gathered that the type of collegiality envisioned by the Second Vatican Council still had not been achieved, and that it was not too late for pastors themselves to decentralize their own authority, and to give more decision-making authority to their parishioners.

“Pastors and even parishioners should have more authority to make decisions affecting themselves rather than always looking to the Catechism of the Catholic Church or Canon Law for a centralized decision that has to fit all,” he said.

Local pastor Fr. Devin Hayes told parishioners after reading an email from his bishop about the decentralization that he “had to take action immediately.”

“I feel the need to move ahead with a healthy decentralization of our parish and to allow every parishioner his or her own authority to make decisions so you don’t always have to look to me for an answer,” Hayes wrote on the parish website. “Do what you will, knowing in full confidence that your own conscience is your Vatican. I hereby elect every one of you Pope. Habemus A Lot Of Papam, or whatever the plural is for papam.”

As the synod enters its final days, bishops will produce a final paper that the pope may use to write his own authoritative document on the issues, wherein Francis will reportedly remind bishops that they can ignore the letter altogether if they wish because of the decentralization of authority. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Satire and Reality

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Members at the Synod on the Family have entered into one of the most controversial subjects facing the Synod: how should the Church treat gay persons who divorce their same-sex partners and remarry without first obtaining permission from the Church.

Insiders at the Synod say that bishops were divided as to how to handle the “sticky” situation regarding homosexual couples that have divorced and remarried without first obtaining an annulment from the Church.

“The annulment process is quite laborious for those whose marriages the Church does not recognize,” said one Synod insider. “If one does not have an actual marriage, how then does he or she proceed with the annulment process so that they can once again receive communion? That is the crux of the matter.”

A spokesman for the Vatican told EOTT that a number of bishops had brought up completely doing away with what they considered  “the antiquated notion of sin,” and allowing all members and non-members of the Catholic Church to receive communion.

“The idea is being proposed because no one should be excluded from the grace given when one receives communion,” the spokesman went on to say. “Let me rephrase that; not no one, but rather, most everyone should not be excluded. Those who committee such vile sins such as smoking, littering, and being heterosexual would incur latae sententiae. Naturally.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Saved by a Dart

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Pope Francis was hit with a tranquilizer dart this afternoon just moments after putting down a scripted speech to speak off-the-cuff with reporters on his flight to the U.S., officials are reporting.

In a 80-minute briefing to the media, a lighthearted Pope Francis began to speak “very candidly,” when the head of the Pope’s security team, reportedly realizing the havoc the off-the-cuff remark might have on the rest of the U.S. trip, discreetly glanced at another member of the security team and nodded. That’s when, one witness reported, the Holy Father was struck in the neck with the dart and “went down like a ton of bricks.”

“Pope Francis had just seconds earlier mentioned the words ‘do not judge;’ that’s when it happened,” said a reporter on the papal flight. “He immediately stopped talking, felt the dart in his neck, and just dropped.”

Another witness reported seeing a number of officials quickly whisking the Pope’s limp body away to private section of the plane. The dart was removed shortly thereafter, and the groggy Pontiff awoke and found himself shackled to a post away from the media for the remainder of the trip. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Environtion

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

In a strategic attempt to speak about abortion at the White House without being “lambasted” by the media Wednesday, Pope Francis spent the majority of his time substituting the words “environment” and “climate change” for the actual subject of his address: abortion.

“It seems clear to me that abortion, I mean climate change, is a problem which can no longer be left to a future generation,” Francis said, catching his gaffe, the first of many, during the talk. “Mr. President, I find it encouraging that you are proposing an initiative for reducing abortions, excuse me…that is, air pollution,” Francis said. “Accepting the urgency, it seems clear to me also that killing babies in the womb, sorry, I had a long flight…I meant climate change is a problem which can no longer be left to a future generation.”

Francis twice quoted his own encyclical on the environment, which many believe was actually an encyclical on abortion.

“When it comes to the care of our ‘common home’, which is not unlike that of a womb if you kinda think about it, not that I’m talking about abortion right now, of course, we are living at a critical moment of history,” he said. “We still have time to make the changes needed to bring about an end to this genocide…excuse me, did I say genocide? Weird. By genocide, I meant, a sustainable and integral development, for we know that things can change. Such change demands on our part a serious and responsible recognition of the kind of world we may be leaving to our children. Children that are procreated from the love of a man and a woman, and that are defenseless inside their mother wombs and should be protected from abor…climate change.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Annulment Prime

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net , Eye of the Tiber:

 

The Vatican announced today that it’s making faster, easier annulments an option via its brand new delivery system, Annulment Prime.

The news confirms reports that surfaced last week indicating that the Vatican was staffing up a new “separation division” to compete with services offered by its protestant competitors.

The service will give Annulment Prime members faster annulment options at a fraction of the cost. As an introductory offer, members who sign up to Annulment Prime in the next two days will receive a 30-day free trial. Members will also have access to annulment paperwork order-tracking, as well as the option to track the priest working on his or her case in real-time.

The Vatican says that “customers” will see their annulments finalized and delivered within a day or less with no additional charges or delivery fees. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Year of Mercy

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Pope Francis announced Tuesday that he will allow Roman Catholic women to have as many abortions as they want during the upcoming Holy Year of Mercy, MSNBC is reporting.

According to MSNBC, Francis said that he will allow women the “discretion to absolve themselves of the venial sin of abortion if they had already procured one and had a contrite heart.” They also went on to report that Francis urged women who were wanting to procure an abortion to wait until the beginning of the Year of Mercy beginning December 8 so that they would “not need a contrite heart at all.”

The MSNBC reporter told EOTT this afternoon that Pope Francis announced that the holy year was a way to promote inclusiveness no matter what the cost, saying that the Church could finally “make more evident its mission to be Episcopalian.”

The Holy Father also reportedly implored priests who offered forgiveness for abortion to “stop wasting their time, and to enjoy a year off from hearing confessions, as the Year of Mercy would be “so freaking abundant in mercy” that nothing could possibly separate the people of God from his love.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: In the Round

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Members of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops announced that they have approved an initiative to “round out” all remaining traditionally built churches by the end of next year, USCCB secretary to the president bishop Jonathon Garner announced early this morning.

“This is a long time coming,” an ecstatic Garner told EOTT. “We’re excited to finally give all parishioners the opportunity to finally get more involved in the Mass.”

Garner also said that during the renovation, parishioners would be invited to “come together as one family by sitting around the altar,” which, he emphasized, was one of the most essential aspects of Mass participation.

“Christ did not ask the disciples to sit behind him or even in front of him during the Last Supper,”  Garner said. “No, he asked them to gather around the table, as we can clearly see in Leonardo di Vinci’s painting of the Last Supper. And by having them gather together, he was able to remind them of what clearly is most important part of the Mass: awkwardly staring at the person across the other end of the church for a full hour. I’m sorry, what did I just say? I meant ‘gathering together.’ Yeah, that’s it…gathering and stuff.”

The initiative also applies to Tridentine parishes where the priest is expected to say the Mass with his back facing the congregation. When asked how the “restructuring” could be done while still preserving the integrity of the Latin Mass, Garner suggested that the women simply turn their mantillas around until they completely covered their faces.

“That way, they can simply imagine the priest’s back is facing them, I don’t know…who cares? Bunch of freaks anyway. I’m sorry what did I just say? I meant ‘we’ll look into it.’” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Wascally Wabbits

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just days after Pope Francis made statements supporting the Church’s ban on artificial means of birth control, media outlets from across the globe are now reporting that the “progressive” pope has finally overturned the Church’s long-standing ban on contraception for bunnies.

Speaking with reporters on a flight Monday from the Philippines to Rome, Francis encouraged Catholics to use natural family planning so as not to breed like rabbits, before going on to add that rabbits would, from now on, be allowed the use of certain forms of artificial birth control.

MSNBC Vatican analyst Reese Moore reported that although the Church’s ban on humans using birth control has sadly not been overturned, that bunny contraception was a step in the right direction.

“This is certainly a step in the right direction,” Moore told EOTT this morning. “It appears to be an unprecedented statement that bunnies too may have a moral responsibility to limit the number of their offspring. When the Pope makes a statement saying that rabbits need not breed like rabbits, it appears as though the Pope is asking rabbits world-wide to look at Catholics as an example of responsible parenthood. I firmly believe that Pope Francis is testing the waters here for something truly groundbreaking.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Butchery

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

A priest arrested in the butchering of a beloved Mass in Zimbabwe was released Wednesday by an ecclesiastical court on $1,000 bail.

Fr. Theo Braxton, a professional Mass butcher since the 1960’s, said through his attorney that he was innocent of ruining a Mass in Zimbabwe, after he was asked to cover for a sick priest while vacation in the southern part of Africa. Church officials in Zimbabwe said Friday that killing the beloved Mass could bring a sentence of more than 10 decades in purgatory.

“My client is innocent of what is being accused,” Braxton’s attorney Roger Mahoney told the press this morning. “Fr. Braxton relied on the expertise of local Catholic priests to ensure a licit Mass.”

But many around the globe are contesting his argument, telling EOTT that Braxton was not innocent of butchering the Mass, and that he is known to kill the Mass for sport.

“Fr. Braxton lured the parishioners out of the pews and onto the sanctuary during a sentimental homily about coming together as one family,” a member of a conservative liturgical group in Zimbabwe said. “Fr. Braxton then asked them to remain there for the consecration, but went on to make up his own words of institution, a method for which he is known. But the Mass just barely survived another 20 minutes until the Fr. Braxton walked down the center aisle giving parishioners high-fives, killing the Mass as he did so.” Continue Reading

Pewsitter v. Eye of the Tiber!

 

(Some down time before the family heads off for Indianapolis and GenCon tomorrow morning.  Had a great time in Kenosha visiting the mother-in-law.  Fascinating visit to the Civil War museum in Kenosha.  Details on Sunday.)

Well, Pewsitter and Eye of the Tiber square off!  From Eye of the Tiber:

 

After close to an hour of staring at the headline he had just written about Pope Francis, an employee at the news aggregation website Pewsitter has reportedly begun questioning whether or not to add an additional exclamation point or three, sources have revealed.

The unnamed Pewsitter writer reportedly told a fellow staff member this morning that after having written his most recent headline about the Pontiff, that he wasn’t sure whether or not the headline warranted a few additional exclamation points to help convey the possible lunacy of the Pope’s most recent actions.

“He told me that he was also considering whether or not to add one or a few more question marks sprinkled in between the exclamation points to help express the fact that Pope Francis was doing something that at best could be considered odd and something out of character for a pope to do, or at worst, something completely heretical,” the source told EOTT. “You can see the stress that this news aggregation Mozart has to deal with on a daily basis to put out the works of art that that he does.”

The source also went on to explain the importance of adding exclamation marks to headlines, saying that without them, “no one would ever know when to be outraged.”

At press time, the writer has decided go with the headline, “Francis Brushes With Same Brand Of Toothpaste That Planned Parenthood CEO Uses!!!?!!???!”

 

Pewsitter links to the article, as it always does for any post critical of it:

 

PewSitter gets Eye-of-the-Tibered?! – COMMENTS!

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The comboxes are a riot!

 

 

And then Mark Shea showed up:

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Only the anonymous hysterics at Pewsitter can save the Church from the Pope!!!!!!11111!!!!!!!!!!!

 
 
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    BTW your Sheaness – as I recall, in the past you most ardently rejected the left-wing nuttery of man-made global warming.

    So tell us your Sheaness, now that Comrade Pope Bergoglio has declared man-made global warming an immutable scientific truth and an official doctrine of faith – have you formally declared your new found discovery of this developed doctrine of thruthiness?

    After all your Sheaness – unless you’ve had a recent conversion to the scientific consensus of this new Katholic-Communism – you’re actually just another NeoCon Capitalist pig!!!!!!11111!!!!!!!!!!!

    Oh my!!!!!!11111!!!!!!!!!!!

    BTW have you gotten rid of all of that intrinsically evil air conditioning in your house?

     
     
  2.  
     
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    Ahhh, there he is; the Yosemite Sam of the Patheos Posse (otherwise knows as CAI (Character Assassination Incorporated).

     
     
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    Says his Sheaness: the histrionic rhetorical-pyromaniac of the endless acreage of self-constructed strawmen!!!!!!11111!!!!!!!!!!!

    Who BTW is posting under an anonymous name!!!!!!11111!!!!!!!!!!!

    Yes – his hypocrisy does consume itself.

     

Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Comment

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Days after a sting operation caught on video showed a top Planned Parenthood official casually discussing the shipment of aborted fetus body parts to research labs around the country, many in the world are still somehow shocked that a corporation that makes hundreds of millions of dollars for dismembering helpless babies and scaring vulnerable girls has been involved in unethical practices.

“Well I think there’s been a kind of misrepresentation of the conversation that took place in the transcript in the conversation in the video that they have,” House Minority Leader said. “I believe it’s very clear that Planned Parenthood organization does not engage in fetal organ trafficking. That would be unethical and immoral. Planned Parenthood has a moral right to dismember babies, but they do not have the right to traffic them. I think that’s a point made pretty clear in the teachings of the Church fathers.”

The Planned Parenthood President issued a statement yesterday saying, “Our top priority is the compassionate care that we provide while killing babies after scaring the living crap out of their vulnerable mothers. In the video, one of our staff members speaks in a way that does not reflect that compassion. She’s correct in everything she says, but her tone was incorrect. I personally apologize for that. On a side note, how are people shocked right now? Seriously, what could lead anyone to believe we’d not do something like this? Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: No Trump-Pope Ticket in 2016

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Close to a week after presidential nominee Donald Trump called Mexicans “rapists” and “disease carriers,” the 69-year-old business mogul has now decided not to ask Pope Francis to run as his vice presidential nominee after learning that the Pontiff speaks Spanish.

“Mr. Trump has decided that, though the Pope is not Mexican, he still represents a threat to the U.S. because Argentina and Mexico are practically the same thing, if you know what I’m saying,” a Trump advisor told EOTT this morning. “Citizens of both countries speak the same language, and they speak it fast, and traffic drugs, and rape people.”

The advisor also added that, outside the facts stated above, and the fact that the “might-as-well-be-Mexican Pope,” stands for nearly the complete opposite of everything Trump does, the Pope would have been a perfect running mate.

“Mr. Trump would like me to express the fact that he is nevertheless excited to meet with the Pope when he visits the U.S., and just hopes that [Francis] does not take advantage of the American people’s hospitality by taking one of their jobs while he’s here.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Sodom and Gomorrah

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just hours after ruling that all Americans, no matter their sexual orientation, can now legally marry the people they love, the U.S. Supreme Court went forward with plans to demand that God apologize and make amends for His actions at Sodom and Gomorrah.

Many are calling the decision to hold God liable for the destruction of the impenitent cities as a victory for gay rights activists who have fought for centuries to see God brought to justice.

The justices found that, under the 14th Amendment, states must issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples and recognize same-sex unions that have been performed in other states, and that the Divine judgment of God that was passed upon Sodom and Gomorrah was unjust. Justice Anthony Kennedy delivered the majority opinion and was joined by Justices Ginsburg, Kagan, Breyer and Sotomayor in calling God to step down from his post immediately. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Drought

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

In response to California’s four-year drought, California Governor Jerry Brown has ordered the country’s first-ever mandatory baptism restrictions.

Brown’s executive order mandates that all churches in California cut back baptisms by 25 percent. The actual baptism restrictions are left in part up to the local dioceses, which will determine baptism limits and ways to monitor how many individuals are being saved by the blood of the Lamb.

Brown told the press this morning that the 25 percent of baptisms that are to be cut also applies to full immersion baptisms that take place in the ocean or lake.

In response to cut backs in baptisms, Archbishop of San Francisco Salvatore Cordileone criticized Brown’s measure to possibly restrict an additional 25 percent, and to force those to be strictly baptisms made by desire.

“We understand that the Governor believes we need to conserve water,” Cordileone told EOTT this afternoon. “But that we might have to force an additional 25 percent of incoming Catholic to wait until death to be baptized is ridiculous. On the bright side, I was able to talk him out of possibly mandating that all incoming pro-life Catholics be baptized by blood.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Martians

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

New Calcedonia, Mars––Thousands of New Calcedonian martians from the northern quadrant of sector 490-3t protested outside New St. Peter’s today as bishops began talks on a number of heated issues including inter-species marriage and receiving communion in the pinchers. “The faithful and bishops alike are hoping to cover all the core issues that the average Catholic martian on the planet’s going through; issues such as understanding ‘the fall’ in regards to the martian race, and of course, receiving communion in the pinchers as opposed to one of the tongues,” spokesman for the Church in sectors 490-3t and 490-4t Androm’da Zmit told the press outside New St. Peter’s Square. “I have faith that our Holy Father Beeblebrox XV, together with the bishops, will be able to guide the faithful in these decisions…to help them better understand how he, she, or heshe can better telecommunicate the gospel.” One issue receiving lots of attention is that of intergalactic marriage. The question of whether humans could lawfully marry martians was first thrust into the spotlight when well known intergalactic space hockey player Xed Zardox fell in love with martian actress Trillion Pan Vogon, causing a storm of controversy. Other issues the bishops are considering are whether it’s admissible to form crop circles outside one’s own property and whether human probing is to be allowed during Lent. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Game Changer

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Members of the Synod on the Family scrambled to meet today to discuss what some bishops are calling “a game changer” after Bruce Jenner appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair revealing his new Caitlyn Jenner identity.

The impromptu meeting was called by Cardinal Reinhard Marx to review how they could leverage what he called the potential “straw that broke the discriminatory camel’s back.”

“You guys…tell me you saw Caitlyn on Vanity,” a giddy Marx said to fellow members of the synod as he clutched the magazine tightly to his chest and hopped up and down. “Look at this, look at this…is she not a doll? Listen…she might look like a doll, but she’s human just like us, and deserves the right to become whoever she wants and to do whatever she wants, and we as a Church need to applaud her courage. This is it boys…the day we’ve been waiting for.”

Marx went on to address the council members, asking all those gathered to make proposals for how to get his idea of a more inclusive Church into the official synod document before the “African bishops” found out about it. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Irish Snakes

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Ireland overwhelmingly approved a referendum to allow “snakes” back in the country on Saturday, becoming the first country in the world to allow such a move by popular vote. Though the final tally is yet unknown, the referendum achieved the support of an estimated 65 percent of the population.

Michael Fitzpatrick, prominent supporter of the “Hell No” campaign, conceded the referendum’s defeat Saturday morning.

“It is a sad day now that Ireland has approved reentry of paganism,” Fitzpatrick said, explaining how, although snakes have never actually existed in Ireland, that the referendum would now allow the “pagans,” which he believed the snakes represented in the time of St. Patrick, to take back their country from Catholicism.

Supporters of the reentry of paganism erupted with jubilation in Dublin, which has long been a liberal stronghold. But the referendum received support throughout the whole country.

As a result of the referendum, which amends Ireland’s constitution to approve of snakes “without distinction as to length or toxicity of their venom,” pagans in the country will be permitted by law to begin deconstructing everything Catholicism has built as soon as this summer. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Third Degree

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

New Haven, CT––The Knights of Columbus, which are made up of wealthy white men and organized into Jurisdictions, Districts, and Councils boasting of over 14,000 local units in America alone, were founded by Fr. Michael J. McGivney, who was totally a real person and whose real name was, no joke, “McGivney,” with the mission, “to prevent Catholic men from entering secret societies whose membership was antithetical to Church teaching.” Upon entrance, a new Knight is given the title “First Degree” during a ceremony to which no one who is not a member is invited. After serving in the Knights for a certain un-specified amount of time and attending their meetings (which are not closed off except to those who have not gained membership in the Knights), the member enters the “Second Degree” by partaking in a ritual service which is entirely open to all who are members of the Knights of Columbus. Similar events happen during the “Third” and “Fourth” degree ceremonies. “Joining the Knights of Columbus is quite simple,” said Second Degree Knight Robert Burkens. “One simply must be a male, over 18, and Catholic, and current Knights will seek him out and badger him to join, treating him as somehow not truly Catholic until he does. The Insurance policy is completely optional, but recommended, since soon-to-be St. John Paul II was once quoted as saying ‘The Knights of Columbus Insurance Policy is the right hand of the Catholic Church.’” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Eternity

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Galveston, TX–Multiple sources at Prince of Peace Catholic Church in Galveston, Texas have just confirmed that parish pastor Fr. Robert Warner is “never going to wrap up his freaking homily.” 29-year-old mother of three Katrin Flores told Eye of the Tiber that Warner, whose homily was now running more than 25 minutes long, did not seem to be losing any steam whatsoever. “There was a couple times there where we thought he was about to shut it down, but then he’d say something like, ‘A couple more points I’d like to cover.’ But each of those ‘points’ had sub-points, and then there was that ten-minute span when he went off on a tangent about growing up in Warsaw with his strict-though-not-overbearing mother. Seriously demoralizing.” James Thorpe, who was on his third restroom break in just under 15 minutes, reported that Warner wasn’t a terrible speaker, but that he wasn’t Fulton Sheen either. “The man’s a time vampire,” Thorpe said as he suddenly felt an urgent desire to slowly redo his tie before returning to his pew. At press time, Warner has given the congregation a glimmer of hope by pausing for a few seconds before beginning again with the words, “In 1972…a man by the name of…” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Banished

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just months after igniting a firestorm for preaching Catholic doctrine from the pulpit, local priest Fr. Keith Crowell was reassigned to the diocese’s smallest parish “out in the sticks,” a source from the diocese is reporting.

It was three months ago when Crowell was caught on video denying that the miracle of the loaves and fishes ought to be attributed to the multitudes after they shared the little food the apostles had to distribute, as opposed to the long held belief that Christ literally multiplied the food. The video quickly went viral, with many protesting outside of his church and calling for his dismissal.

“Yeah, we weren’t exactly shocked to learn that Fr. Crowell was being reassigned to our parish,” said parishioner Jacob Denver from Crowell’s new church. “We get all the orthodox ones. It’s crap. Any time there’s a fundamentally solid priest pissing off the bishop, they send him to us because there’s a lot less of us to indoctrinate. It’s hard being a Catholic in the boonies, I’ll admit that. Sometimes I just wish we could move into a rich suburban area where we won’t have to constantly be nagged about confession and stuff like that. We’ll just be nagged about giving more money and be left alone after that. Not a bad trade off.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Jesus

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

In an unprecedented move, more than 100 prominent San Francisco based Roman Catholics signed a petition and ran a full-page ad Friday calling on God to remove Jesus from the Trinity for fostering “an atmosphere of division and intolerance.”

The plea follows months of dissent within the archdiocese over Jesus’ emphasis on traditional, conservative doctrine, including asking all Catholics to accept that both sex outside of marriage as well as homosexual relations are “gravely evil.”

In their open letter to the God, Jesus critics say his morality-clause push is not only mean-spirited, but that it “sets a pastoral tone that is closer to persecution than evangelization.”

San Francisco Catholic Leonard Nibbi, who signed the letter, said the Second Person of the Trinity “is just causing a lot of discord, especially with the young people in the diocese.”

“The crux of our worry is that the faithful are going to become very disenchanted and stop going to church because they don’t like the message that Jesus sent when he preached the kingdom of God some 2,000 years ago,” Nibbi said.

According to a source familiar with the drafting of the open letter to God, the frustrated Catholics first considered running the ad weeks ago. They held off while they appealed to saints, including John the Evangelist and Mary Magdalene, to address their concerns. When nothing came of that, they went public.

Incidentally, don’t expect Jesus to start soft-pedaling his opposition to same-sex marriage. He’s encouraging Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone of San Francisco to join him at a large march in Washington D.C. in favor of “traditional” marriage on April 25. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Illuminati

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

In a private meeting with cloaked members of the Illuminati this morning, Pope Francis reportedly signed a two-year extension to his pontificate, with a 3-year possible extension after that.

The Illuminati, who has run the Church behind the scenes since the 1700’s, reported that, although Francis’ pontificate could still end whenever they saw fit, that Francis was for now technically guaranteed at least a few more years.

“Our society has found his contributions good up till now, which is why we’ve decided to allow him a few more years,” an anonymous member of The Ancient and Illuminated Seers of Bavariato told EOTT in an exclusive interview. “His desire for a new world order has very much impressed us, and we hope that he continues his work to help us take over the world.”

The source went on to say that they had considered giving Francis a longer extension, but that they were weary of doing so ever since the “Benedict debacle.”

According to the source, the Vatican is scheduled to have “underground meetings” with members of the United Nations, the International Monetary Fund, the World Bank, as well as President Obama this fall to discuss how best to proceed with the brainwashing of the unsuspecting masses.

“It is our belief that, with Grand Mage Francis at the helm of one of our numerous tentacles, so to speak, that he will continue his work to convince the Catholic masses that various world markets working, more or less, separately from one another, will one day lead to a global crash. In the meantime, we, the private members of the elite, in conjunction with leaders of the world’s major banks will continue to create inflations and recessions in order to manipulate the world markets, thus proving Francis’ theories. Then, when the global economic crisis has been created, we will manage the crises, which we hope will convince the masses that a New World Order run by us is the best option and only option.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Emoji

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

The Vatican announced today that Pope Francis has approved a new emoji translation of the Mass to help young adults more actively follow along during church services.

“We’ve found that most young adults can no longer read complete sentences or even complete words,” said Vatican spokesman Ronaldo Bernini, going to say that the minority of young adults that can read, cannot do so fast enough to keep up with the blistering pace of the Mass. “We still have some work to do before the final version comes out. We’ve hired over one hundred teenagers to look over the new missal and to see whether, for instance, our choice of a clover is the best emoji for the word consubstantial.”

Bernini said that he hopes the new missal will not only help young adults better understand the Mass, but that it might also help parents learn how to tell their children that they love and miss them without having to “navigate the treacherous waters of actually having to talk.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Liquefy

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Just days after St. Gennaro’s blood liquefied after Pope Francis kissed the relic in Naples, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI told EOTT that he would be able to” liquefy the entire thing if really wanted to.”

In an exclusive interview with EOTT this morning, the former pope said that the same vial of hardened blood had not liquefied when he kissed it in 2007 simply because he hadn’t tried to liquefy it hard enough.

“If I had wanted it to liquefy, you better believe I would’ve liquefied the heck out of that thing,” Benedict said as he clenched his fists and bent his neck to the side to crack it. “You wanna know something? I think it started liquefying for Francis until it realized it wasn’t me kissing it, and so it stopped. I’m not saying that as fact…it’s just a theory going around.”

Benedict went on to say that not only would he be able to liquefy the entire vial of blood, but also the vial and reliquary as well. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Papal Evenglow Lodge

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Following comments made by Pope Francis last week stating that he felt his pontificate could possibly last no longer than two or three years, the Vatican announced today that they have opened a multi-million dollar retirement community for emeritus popes.

The news comes just days after Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI told EOTT that he would welcome another former pope into his residence, so long as the incoming pope did not have cat allergies.

The former pope’s personal secretary, Archbishop Georg Ganswein, told EOTT that due to both Francis and Benedict’s insistence on getting the bottom bunk and other issues, the Vatican decided to simply open a retirement community to give incoming popes their own space.

“We hope that the new community will help accommodate what we believe will soon become an influx of retired popes,” Ganswein said. “The community will be able to hold up to ten popes, and will offer many exciting activities such as Canasta tournaments and shuffle-board. We also intend to bring in young adults from around Rome to visit and talk to some of our elderly popes.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Henry VIII

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Sources in the Vatican are now confirming that Pope Francis has agreed to posthumously grant King Henry VIII an annulment from Catherine of Aragon. Numerous reports have come out in the past couple of days about the possibility of such a move, with aides close to Queen Elizabeth telling EOTT that such a decision on the Vatican’s part would essentially end the centuries old schism.

Media outlets in England are also reporting that once the annulment takes effect, that Queen Elizabeth will relinquish her claim as “Defender of the Faith and Supreme Governor of the Church of England.”

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, spoke to the media today, saying, “This is, indeed, an historic moment, and I shall welcome reunion with Rome. Everyone must understand that all the shite we we’ve been doing with regards to the ordination of women and openly-homosexual men has only been in retaliation.” Welby went on to confirm that he would “stop the charade” once the decree of nullity was made official. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: ISIS

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Ahead of a planned assault on Italy by the Islamic State, members of ISIS met with leaders in the Italian gay community for a one day summit/pizza party in Pisa, Italy today.

Officials from both sides held a press conference earlier this morning, telling reporters that they were meeting in regards to ISIS plans to throw homosexuals off the Leaning Tower of “Pizza.”  Members of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria admitted to reporters after hours negotiations over cheese pizza at the Italian restaurant Chuck E. Formaggio, that the homosexuals were actually a pretty fun crowd to be around.

“We came to the summit to strike fear in their hearts,” one ISIS member told the press. “We were really looking forward to throwing them off the ‘Tower of Pizza,’ but once they started talking, it was like, we still disagree with their lifestyle choices, but they’re really sweet. A couple of the homosexuals were telling us about how to make the perfect quiche and how to drape ISIS flags around our shoulders without wrinkling them, and we all kinda just looked at each other. We knew right then that no one was getting thrown off the Tower.”

The ISIS member went on to explain how, after a few pizza’s, they all went out to a night club and “danced the night away,” and calling them “a real sassy bunch.”

At press time, ISIS officials plan to meet with the largest gay community in Rome tomorrow when they visit with members of the Roman Curia. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Fifth Chances

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

VATICAN––It was reported earlier this week that an outgoing Argentinian born man, whose every single word is misconstrued and misrepresented by friends in the media, has for some reason, resolved to give them an additional 12,000 more words to have fun with. “If you think about it, what’s the worst that could happen?” said the man as he neglected to write down even just a handful of key statements that he could use during the interview so as to avoid the chance that someone misunderstand what he trying to say. “Sure, up till now every single, solitary word or sentence I’ve said, be it from the pulpit or plane, has allowed those who hate the Church to twist the meaning of what I actually meant…but you know, I believe in fifth chances.” At press time, the man has agreed upon an upcoming Mad Libs type interview with MSNBC, in which he would send the media outlet a dozen thousand word statement about Catholic moral teaching, with select words and sentences removed to allow easier room to misrepresent. Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Memory

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The World Over Live anchor Raymond Arroyo apologized Wednesday for falsely claiming that he had been aboard a ship that was hit by a cannonball during the battle of Lepanto in 1571, EOTT is reporting.

On last Friday night’s broadcast, Arroyo cited “a terrible moment a few centuries back during the Holy League’s war against the Ottoman Empire when the ship I was traveling aboard began to sink after being hit by a cannonball. I was rescued, surrounded and kept alive by two ships from the Papal States.”

This week, several historians told EOTT that Arroyo had not been in a shipwreck, but that he had arrived centuries later.

On Wednesday, Arroyo conceded that he was not aboard the cannonballed ship, but he told reporters that he did not intentionally make the mistake.

“I would not have chosen to make this mistake,” Arroyo said. “I don’t know what screwed up in my mind that caused me to conflate one century with another. But I believe it began years ago when I was reading a book about the battle. I remember that I was sitting in the jacuzzi at the time and was surrounded by water, very much like the ships were doing during the battle. It was also hot in there, like some of the ships that caught fire that bloody day. I simply misremembered the event. I apologize to the entire fleet of the Holy League, and in particular, Don John of Austria and Miguel de Cervantes.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Call it Bunny Love

 

 

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Just days after Pope Francis made statements supporting the Church’s ban on artificial means of birth control, media outlets from across the globe are now reporting that the “progressive” pope has finally overturned the Church’s long-standing ban on contraception for bunnies.

Speaking with reporters on a flight Monday from the Philippines to Rome, Francis encouraged Catholics to use natural family planning so as not to breed like rabbits, before going on to add that rabbits would, from now on, be allowed the use of certain forms of artificial birth control.

MSNBC Vatican analyst Reese Moore reported that although the Church’s ban on humans using birth control has sadly not been overturned, that bunny contraception was a step in the right direction.

“This is certainly a step in the right direction,” Moore told EOTT this morning. “It appears to be an unprecedented statement that bunnies too may have a moral responsibility to limit the number of their offspring. When the Pope makes a statement saying that rabbits need not breed like rabbits, it appears as though the Pope is asking rabbits world-wide to look at Catholics as an example of responsible parenthood. I firmly believe that Pope Francis is testing the waters here for something truly groundbreaking.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Preventive Clarification

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Speaking to journalists at his residence inside the Vatican this morning, Pope Emeritus Benedict answered journalists’ questions concerning the currently debated question of whether or not the use of preventive clarifications is acceptable for Papal interviews.

“It is important not to attribute simplistically the comments made by the Pope during many of his off-the-cuff interviews to error,” Benedict said. “That would be a great inaccuracy. It is true that the history of this Pope contains a tendency to say random things that seem to anger some traditional Catholic sensibilities, but the fact is that he has not gone against the traditions of his predecessors.”

A  journalists from EOTT pressed him, asking the former head of the Catholic Church if the Catechism of the Catholic Church permits “preventive clarifications” in exceptional cases.

“The concept of preventive clarification does not appear in the Catechism,” Benedict stated, adding in clarification, “We cannot simply say that the Catechism does not justify clarifications of what Francis is going to say, but it is true that the Catechism has developed a doctrine which on one hand does not deny that man does have free will, that the Pope is a man, and therefore he, as man, can say things without considering how quickly the media can and will jump on anything he says without a second thought. The problem that we face, of course, is that Francis does not stick to script, but rather, tends to trail off into a wide variety of topics, so that even if we can justify preventive clarifications, how could the Vatican know beforehand when it’s time to clarify a yet-to-be-said statement, or what it is exactly that they are about to clarify? These are many of the questions that must be discussed.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Rabbits and Hares

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber :

Just a day after Pope Francis told Catholics that they should not feel like they have to breed “like rabbits” because of the Church’s ban on contraception, an American Imam today echoed the Pope’s words, urging Catholics to listen to their spiritual leader.

“Yes, that sounds like an excellent idea,” the Imam reportedly said this morning. “Having many Catholic children is such a burden, and the Catholic world is so overpopulated already. One Catholic child, maybe two, is plenty to bring into the world. Maybe none at all is best.”

The Imam, who has a meager 8 children himself, praised the progressive culture of Europe, where both marriage and child-bearing have reached an all-time low in most countries. “When it comes down to it, a Catholic is really being selfish when bringing more people to suffer in this world. Contraception, even abortion, is really the best option for Catholics.” The Imam concluded, “On the other hand, in a generation or so none of this will matter anyway.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Clarification

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

En route to the Philippines from Sri Lanka yesterday, Pope Francis said that he was ready to “punch” anyone who insults his mother, showing that there are limits to freedom of expression.

“We have a duty to speak openly. To have this freedom, but without offending. It’s true that you cannot react with violence, but if my aide Doctor Gasbarri, who is a friend, badmouths my mother, a punch would be coming for him,” Francis said before holding up a finger and asking those present to hold on a second. “Hold on…let me take that back. I would not punch him in the face. At least not at first. First, I would kick him in the n–s. Then a knee in the face would be coming for him. After this, I would have many options. I could put him in a headlock, a figure-four leg lock, a vice grip, the Colossal Clutch, the Turantual, the Boston Crab…any of these maneuvers would help to rectify the wrong said about my mother.”

Francis went on to beg those seated around him to “try” him if they did not believe him, saying, “try me…say one thing, I beg you…pleeeeaase say something!” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Demonic Cats

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From the only accurate source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Pope Francis continues to show he’s not your average pope. During a public appearance this afternoon, Francis attempted to comfort a girl whose cat had died, saying, “One day, we will see our animals again in the eternity of Christ. Paradise is open to all of God’s creatures. All of them except for cats. In that case, little girl, the only way you will see your cat again is if you reject God’s grace and end up in hell.”

The Pope’s comment has reignited a debate on the subject, with the Humane Society saying that if Pope Francis believes animals have souls, then “we ought to seriously consider how we treat them,” a representative said. “We have to admit that all animals, save for cats, panda bears, and sloths are sentient beings, and they mean something to God.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: The Force

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

VATICAN — Vatican television took the liturgical world by storm last Friday by giving Catholics their very first official look at a short teaser trailer from the upcoming papal Christmas Mass.

Focusing much of the trailer on new cantors and deacons that will play a role in the Mass, the 88-second Christmas Mass teaser had many excited about Christmas. But along with those feelings of Christmas ecstasy came some controversy with liturgical purists about the Pope’s unique new crossgaurd lightsaber crosier, which has consequently polarized many die-hard fans of the Mass.

Many of the complaints and cynicism stem from the belief that the new crosier is just a cheap Vatican “it looks cool” thought process and that having these side-angled blades would just put the Pope at risk of cutting himself during the entrance procession.

“Popes haven’t had crosiers like this before, so why now?” asked one blogger. “It’s gotta be to sell more merchandise. It’s Christmas season after all and the Church could be using this as a way to sell more of their line of papal action figures.”

Many say that the “Crosier 2.0” has a major flaw in the design, saying that the light emitter sticks out  inches before the laser quillion begins on each side of the crosier, meaning that the little emitters could simply be severed off if it came in contact with another crossguard lightsaber crosier, and if that crosier were to slide down the main shaft.

The Vatican has come out in defense of the new crosier, with an inside source saying that there is no chance of severing off the side emitters because a Mass typically does not have more than one person carrying a crosier. He also went on to explain why the crosier’s cross guard works.

“The crosier lightsaber beam goes all the way through the handle so even if you cut off the metal, the beam is still there. It’s really not that hard to figure out.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Did I Just Say What?

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

VATICAN–Speaking to pilgrims during his weekly Wednesday audience yesterday, Pope Francis admitted that he was kind of having a hard time making any kind of sense whatsoever of what he just said.

The Pontiff, who has been known to make off the cuff remarks in the past, told those gathered in St. Peter’s Square that what he just said was “admittedly kind of weird.”

“I said what?” Francis asked those gathered. “There’s no way I just said that. OK, that’s just weird. Seriously, what the heck is it with me? Am I trying to change doctrine or something? How am I gonna explain this to my secular friends? Oh boy, I can see their faces now. I bet they’re just itching to ask when I’m gonna start allowing divorced gay Catholics to receive communion. This is great…just great. I’m so freaking pissed right now I think I’m gonna go blog about it.” Continue Reading

PopeWatch: Next Election

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Ahead of the next Papal Elections, many Cardinals have begun to distance themselves from the Pope, whose approval rating amongst traditional leaning Catholics is at an all-time low.

As these Cardinals are beginning to focus on their possible election to the throne of St. Peter, they are increasingly calculating how close is too close to an unpopular Pope Francis.

The Pope’s dismal poll ratings with traditional minded Catholics could sink many cardinal’s hopes for becoming next in line to become Vicar of Christ, especially with battleground bishops and swing cardinals.

“If he is where he is now for the remainder of his papacy, it’s not going to work for liberal cardinals who want to impress members of the Collage of Cardinals on the right,” said Cardinal Raymond Burke who stated earlier this year that he would not seek election during the next conclave. “I think that if the next conclave goes to the right, that it will be more of a referendum on Pope Francis’ loose words, then on a conservative agenda.”

Some right-leaning cardinals are also keeping their distance from next year’s Synod on the Family after recent remarks made by Pope Francis regarding the easing up of the annulment process so that any Catholic wanting an annulment can have one by simply turning to their spouse at anytime and saying the words, “thou are art banish’d.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Jenky v. Dolan

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

A verbal battle between two Catholic leaders over the body of legendary Archbishop Fulton Sheen has put the former television personality’s sainthood campaign on hiatus.

The bishop of Peoria,  Illinois, Bishop Daniel Jenky, has been working to beatify Sheen for some time, but all that came to an unexpected hiatus this week when Cardinal Timothy Dolan of New York reportedly told Jenky to “Back up before you gets smacked the heck up.”

In a letter to Jenky, the New York archdiocese issued a statement saying that Dolan opposes the “dismemberment of the Archbishop’s body” for the purpose of collecting relics, and concluded it by inviting Jenky “if he so dared,” to try to take even one step on “Dolan’s turf.”

Spokesman for the New York Diocese John Frank told EOTT today that Dolan was saddened by accusations leveled on him by the Peoria bishop, and said that since Jenky was “itchin’ for a stitchen’,” that the New York Diocese would accommodate him and set up a bare knuckle, mixed martial arts throw down in the octagon.

Even the Vatican office that oversees the creation of saints hasn’t been able to resolve the unusually public dispute between New York and Peoria, but have shown a lot of interest in the MMA fight between the two bishops.

Peoria Diocese spokesman Donald Walters told reporters today that Jenky has accepted the challenge, and cautioned Dolan against instigating Jenky anymore than he already has, saying that Dolan would do well to “check himself before he wrecks himself” because Jenky is reportedly “bad for his health.” Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Second Synod

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

VATICAN–It was announced today that a second synod, tentatively scheduled for mid-January, will solely focus on learning the fundamental teachings of the Catholic Church.

The news comes just days after Pope Francis asked synod participants to “speak clearly,” encouraging them to speak openly.  “Let no one say, ‘This can’t be said, they will think this or that about me.’ Everything we feel must be said, without fear,” Francis said. After reading the badly translated, and what many have called “severely flawed” report called Relatio Post Disceptationem, Francis has since regretted the decision to ask the synod fathers to speak openly, supposedly overestimating their intelligence.

An adviser to Pope Francis has since suggested that before moving on with another synod on the family, that the synod fathers learn some of the basics of Catholicism.

“The synod  will be headed by 16-year-old African Catholic Zyana Ndiaye and is expected to cover such subjects such as Jesus, the Church, as well as sin. Every synod father, except for those from Africa, will remain quiet and will be ignored if they attempt to offer an opinion.”

At press time, Pope Francis has issued a statement to those who will be participating in future synods, saying, “Let everyone say, ‘This can’t be said, they will think this or that about me.’ Everything we feel must be kept quiet, with fear, especially if you are going to make a Kaspar out of yourself.”

Continue Reading

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PopeWatch: Drawing the Line

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

VATICAN–Pope Francis said in his morning Mass on Monday that if Martians came to him asking to be baptized he wouldn’t turn them away, but that when it came to krakens, unicorns, minotaurs, and British elves, he would have to say “absolutely not,” Vatican radio reports.

“If, for example, tomorrow an expedition of Martians came, and some of them came to us, here… Martians, right? Green, with that long nose and big ears, just like children paint them…and one says, ‘But I want to be baptized!’ What would happen?”

Pope Francis would not be one to turn away someone seeking baptism, even if they were an alien. He urged clergy to foster an open door policy for all to receive church teachings including Martians, but also urged them to not get carried away, and to immediately deny any golems, Chineese dragons, and even the Loch Ness Monstor.

Although the pope’s message was one of inclusion, saying “the Holy Spirit is not always predictable,” he justified his exclusion of other never seen creatures such as sirens and chupacabras by saying that he had to “draw the line somewhere.”

Pope Francis is not the first one to hint at alien baptism. Vatican scientist Guy Consolmagno suggested in 2010 that aliens might have souls and could be baptized if they asked for it.

“Any entity, no matter how many tentacles it has, has a soul,” Consolmagno said in a talk preceding the British Science Festival in Birmingham. “But when it comes to creatures like Bigfoot, cyclopes, and hydras, His Holiness is absolutely correct.” Continue Reading