PopeWatch: Let God Sort ‘Em Out

Saturday, July 22, AD 2017

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

VATICAN––The Vatican this morning is announcing that every pope that has ever lived, including ones still living, is to be canonized by the end of the year, sources are confirming.

The news comes just a week after John XXIII and John Paul II were canonized, and a day after it was announced that Paul VI was to be beatified later this year.

A Vatican insider told EOTT today that Pope Francis awoke earlier this morning shouting, “Canonize them all! Canonize them all!”

“He woke up in hysterics, telling everyone he passed that he wanted to canonize all the popes who came before him,” the insider said. “He said that by knocking out all the popes at once, that it would give him time to focus all his energy on the Church Militant.”

Speaking from his grave this morning, Pope Alexander VI, known by many historians to be the worst pope of all time, said that he couldn’t believe the news when he heard it. “Get the hell out of here! Oops, sorry about that. But seriously?”

Although the date of the canonizations has yet to be announced, Vatican officials said that since the requirement for miracles had been waived, they hope to canonize everyone by November.

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PopeWatch: Deadbeat

Saturday, July 15, AD 2017

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The mother of local deadbeat Anthony Green confirmed to friends and family today that the sweet, pretty girl that sits behind her at Mass on Sundays would be “just perfect” for her son.

Tamara Green, mother of four, excitedly told those gathered at their weekly bingo night that the “adorable thing” is just what her son needed to get his life on track.

“When I first saw her, I definitely thought she could be the one I’ve been praying for to whip him into shape,” Tamara Green said as she mumbled a quick prayer to St. Raphael. “He’s been out sowing his wild oats—such a typical boy—but I’d like it if he would settle down and raise a nice little Catholic family. When I spotted her volunteering at the St. Vincent de Paul Village on Tuesday, I just knew she was his match made in heaven. My son never volunteers, so she’d be a great influence on him. I just have to devise a creative little meetup since I know I would never be able to get him to go to Mass and see for himself.”

Tamara Green also said that she was hopeful that God was calling the “precious little angel” to work tirelessly for the rest of her life tending to Anthony, and in doing so, giving up her dreams of possibly becoming a nun or marrying an honest and respectable man of God.

“The thing is, God calls all of us to carry our cross, and I truly believe that Anthony is the cross this girl might need. He’ll give her the opportunity to strengthen her patience, just as she’ll sanctify him by getting him to stop playing video games, to get a job, start attending Mass, and getting him to stop leaving crumbs all over his bedroom.”

At press time, family and friends are concerned for the well-being of the girl in question, and are quietly saying a prayer to St. Raphael to not let Tamara Green’s prayers be answered.

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PopeWatch: Box Office

Saturday, July 8, AD 2017

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

It’s been three years since Benedict’s colossal battle with the Roman Curia devastated Vatican City. The loss of spiritual life and collateral damage left many Catholics feeling angry and helpless about the Church hierarchy, including corruption-fighting Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio. Convinced that members of the hierarchy surrounding Benedict is now a threat to Holy Mother Church, Bergoglio embarks on a personal vendetta to end their reign at the Vatican, while the conniving Walter Kasper launches his own crusade against ‘God’s Rottweiler’.

Benedict v Francis: Dawn of Mercy is out and reviews for the latest movie from DC/Vatican Cinematic Universe are not impressive.

Although the film, which currently has only a 29 percent rating on Catholic movie review site Decent Films, has been universally panned by critics, it’s opening weekend brought in an estimated $70.1 dollars in the Vatican alone.

The superpapal showdown, which cost nearly $1,000 dollars to make, is DC/Vatican Cinematic Universe studio’s bid to kick-start a Catholic movie universe to rival the protestant’s massively successful movie empire that has produced multi-hundred dollar cash cows, God Is Not Dead, God Is Not Dead 2, and the upcoming film, God is Still Not Dead.

But although critics have panned the movie, audiences have given the film a 65 percent rating, which suggests that many moviegoers don’t necessarily agree with critics.

“I thought it was pretty cool,” one viewer told EOTT after seeing the movie. “I mean, some weird choices, that’s for sure, like how Benedict and Francis stop fighting once they find out they both love Jesus. Francis has Benedict on the ground, you know, cause Benedict’s old, and before he delivers the final blow, Benedict calls out to Jesus for mercy, and Francis is all like, ‘WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME! WHY DID YOU SAY JESUS!’ and they realize they both love Jesus and stop fighting.”

Another viewer told EOTT that the movie was decent until the tension really began to pick up toward the latter half of the film.

“Yeah, that’s when it started getting pretty interesting. The bad guy Walter Kasper unleashes this monster he calls Synod, and both Benedict and Francis have to fight together to defeat it.

Benedict v Francis is the fourth biggest opening for a comic book adaptation, behind three protestant films, The Reformers, Ex-Catholic-Men, and The Dark Night of the Soul Rises.

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PopeWatch: UberMass

Saturday, July 1, AD 2017

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Uber has announced plans to begin offering Mass deliveries beginning early next year.

Attempting to expand beyond the borders of ridesharing and food delivery, Uber will launch its UberMass service in Grand Rapids, Michigan before expanding to other cities later in the year.

According to listings on a number of job recruiting websites, UberMass is advertising for a number of “priest jobs” not only ranging from saying Mass, but to hearing confessions and giving last rites, showing that the company is serious about reaching everyone “where they’re at.”

“There’s a lot of momentum in the organization behind UberMass, and we think the market is ripe for Mass delivery,” said UberMass general manager Simon Patel at a launch event in New York on Wednesday. “As numbers has proven, Mass attendance have been plummeting for some time now. We think that can be fixed. Catholics will simply go to the app, order a priest, and one will be dropped off to them. Easy as that, they fulfil their Sunday obligation.”

Patel said that for an extra charge, UberMass customers will also be able to purchase add-ons such as a guitarist to play hymns during the Mass, a friendly usher to greet them in their own home, as well as a sick parishioner to come and sit directly next to them on the couch.

Uber is also considering a UberMassShare option which would be cheaper, and would allow others around the neighborhood to join in the Mass and to split the cost.

“All this will be available to our customers so that they no longer need to leave the comfort of their homes to experience the beauty of Mass. Depending on the success of our new venture, we’re also considering UberConfession as well as UberXtremeUnction.”

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2 Responses to PopeWatch: UberMass

  • When I first read the title, this is what ran through my mind:June 30 Martin Luther believed in the lay priesthood as were all the Jewish people. Luther believed that the Holy Eucharist, that is Holy Communion ceased to exist after Consecration by the ordained ministerial priesthood, for the lay communicant if the communicant’s Faith did not bring him to acknowledge that the Holy Eucharist was the Body and Blood of Our Lord, Jesus Christ. If the individual of the lay priesthood receiving the Holy Eucharist had doubts about the Real Presence under the appearances of bread and wine, then there was no Holy Eucharist for that person.
    Receiving the Holy Eucharist unworthily damns the individual. While those innocent
    persons who have not yet reached the fullness of Faith are not subject to such damnation. These persons receive the Body and Blood of Our Lord, Jesus Christ on the Faith of the ordained priest, in the same manner as an infant is baptized into the Catholic Faith on the Faith of his baptismal Godparents and sponsors. (That is why the sponsors are called Godparents)
    The ordained ministerial priesthood does indeed consecrate the Body and Blood of Our Lord, Jesus Christ. Luther held that unless the communicant believed in the Real Presence, he did not receive The Body and Blood of Our Lord, Jesus Christ, somehow undoing the Consecration and Transubstantiation.
    If Luther was ex-communicated, then Luther passed his ex-communication onto all persons.
    As all citizens are constituents of the president of the United States, all lay persons are constituents of the lay priesthood and are the faithful of the Supreme Pontiff in Rome. Every Mass is said for all people. This sentence is the gist of the matter.
    Evidently, Martin Luther had his pen and his thesis and he abandoned his flock.
    Now that I have read the post this is what I say: Missionary priests are needed all over America. Missionary priests have the power to say Mass in the home. However, I do realize that this post is meant to reflect the silliness of our culture.

  • OPPS. I guess I will be celebrating the Fourth of July on Wednesday.

PopeWatch: Get Thee to a Nunnery

Saturday, June 10, AD 2017

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

After several public failed relationships and an embarrassing 8-months without a boyfriend, award winning singer-songwriter Taylor Swift announced today via Twitter that she was leaving the music industry to become a nun.

“With some prayer, and lots of thinking about boys, I’ve decided to become a nun,” she  wrote on Twitter.

Swift’s agent Rod Steelman confirmed this morning that she has been accepted into the Monastery of Our Lady of Perpetual Disappointment, a convent exclusively for women who respond to a calling immediately after experiencing a devastating breakup.

“She told me a few months ago that she had discerned entering a convent every time she had ever had a breakup, but that this last breakup  was different,” Steelman told EOTT. “She said that she was thinking about how Jesus seemed like the only man that wouldn’t ever break up with her, and how she would never have to write a song about him like she did other men in her life. That’s when it dawned on her to get herself to the nunnery.”

Swift has won several awards, including  ten Grammy Awards, one Emmy Award, and  21 Billboard Music Awards. Forbes recently named her in their annual 100 Most Powerful Women.

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One Response to PopeWatch: Get Thee to a Nunnery

  • “She said that she was thinking about how Jesus seemed like the only man that wouldn’t ever break up with her, ”
    Jesus is the only man who would never break up with her. For real. And convents are good places to write songs about The Beloved.
    Hopefully Taylor Swift will take EOTT’s advise.

PopeWatch: Catholic Education

Saturday, May 20, AD 2017

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Facing financial ruin due to the high cost of trying to provide their son with a good Catholic education, sources confirmed Thursday that parents of high school freshman Johnny Irving, Tom and Lisa, are quite impressed with their son’s growing knowledge of every tenet of every religion, but Catholicism.

According to the freshman’s parents, Irving has gained an immense amount of knowledge about the Koran, The Analects of Confucius, and the Book of Mormon in his class Fundamentals of Catholic Doctrine 101.

“It’s breathtaking the amount of non-Catholic knowledge he’s learning in his Catholic Doctrine class,” Lisa Irving told EOTT. “We’re about a paycheck or two away from filing for bankruptcy just so Johnny can learn about everything but Catholicism at a Catholic school, but it’s so worth it. He always comes home telling us interesting things about Catholic teaching like how according to the Church the most important doctrine is coexistence. And how the Church teaches that it’s pointless to evangelize since a person’s own consciousness, being infused by a higher spirit, stirs within him or her at birth and sanctifies every belief, whim, or desire that person has. I didn’t know that. Probably because I went to Catholic school when classrooms had crucifixes and whatnot in them.”

 

Lisa went on to say that, though her son still has never heard of the Nicene Creed, that he had memorized several verses from the Koran that incidentally mention Jesus, and that through Buddhist teachings, he has come to learn about Christ the bodhisattva.

“Listen, some people might think $40,000 for a four-year high school education seems absurd, ” Lisa Irving went on to say. “But tell that to me when my son graduates summa cum laude, which of course he will graduate with since every student in that fine scholastic institution graduates with that honor.”

At press time, Johnny is studying for his midterms in one of the school’s mandatory classes, Advanced Being Nice.

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5 Responses to PopeWatch: Catholic Education

  • I must confess that I went (too often drinking when I should have been thinking) through a Catholic college wheree ach year three credits of Theology were required. I earned three of them for a course on Islam taught by a Bulgarian priest who had been in a labor battalion with the Axis forces in Italy. FYI they were white-washing the filthy paganism back then, too.

    It is Armed Forces Day. Greet theme ever with grateful hearts.

  • During my college years, my parish was a huge old church,
    run by members of an order once famous for its missionary work, but
    now sadly heterodox and decadent. I volunteered to teach CCD, and
    another volunteer and I were assigned to teach the high schoolers. The
    workbooks we were given to use had been purchased at great expense from
    a convent publishing house and were short on information and long on
    new age psychobabble. We quietly shelved them and taught from a
    catechism.

    These were good kids, and some had been in Catholic schools their entire
    academic lives. But they were almost utterly ignorant of the basics of
    the Faith. The Trinity? Never heard of it. Real Presence? Appalled and
    disgusted. I had the students raise their hands if they thought Jesus was
    a man, but not God. Half the class. God, but not a man? The other half.
    What about both God and man? One hand.

    It wasn’t that these kids were jerking my chain and pretending to not know
    these things– the basics of the Faith were almost completely unknown to
    them. Their parents had put them through Catholic schools, and had them
    attending CCD, all with the understanding that they were being taught these
    things– and they were not. I cannot speak to why the parents weren’t
    talking with their teens to find out what they’d learned, or reinforce and
    explain articles of faith. But I can say that this affluent parish with 3(!) priests,
    a seminarian doing his diaconate year, and both a paid Liturgist and a Director
    of Religious Education on staff seemed unperturbed with the status quo.
    Those kids had had their birthright– the Catholic Faith– traded for a mess
    of porridge and the parents and staff at the parish didn’t appear to see
    the problem.

  • Clinton, my parents wasted their money on so called Catholic education in the 1970s.
    I got the Internet in early 1999 and learned more in three months than I learned in eight years of Catholic school and CCD.

  • Sad but true. I did not catch on to what happened until the ‘90s when I met a Louvain priest and Bible scholar who I realized had lost his faith.

  • My local Diocese’s newspaper has a weekly section entitled “Our Catholic Youth”. The pages are dedicated to the 5-8% of catholic school children who attend private school in the Diocese. Costs for such schooling have risen to $6K per child for each year of grade school and $12K per child for each year of high school. The local Diocese high school imports 30% of it’s students from two neighboring diocese as it is located near a major highway, and 20% of it’s students are non-catholic. Each year Pro Life essays are promoted by the Diocese but only for those in attendance at the Diocese schools. Those in attendance at the Diocese high school are pushed to attend the most expensive colleges across the country, in the words of the high school president “students attendance at elite colleges ($$) is the measure of the quality of the high school”. The student’s then gain the diocese high school a reputation, while incurring a lot of debt. Judging by the alumni newspaper (I attended the HS 35 years ago when things were quite different), few marry, and those that do typically have only 1 maybe 2 children.
    – Typical students are white, upper middle class with no more than one sibling.
    – My wife and I having been promoters of NFP, know many who use NFP in the area and know of no parents who have children in the schools who do not use contraception. We in fact are laughed at for being promoters of NFP and having four children.

    I recently stopped receiving the Diocese newspaper, the hypocrisy was just too much.

PopeWatch: Offensive Catholics

Saturday, May 13, AD 2017

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

A Catholic university is under fire this week after school administrators accidentally hired 37-year-old Todd Alguire, a practicing Catholic, to head their Department of Theology.

Diocesan bishop Kevin Sterling  has now demanded an investigation into the ‘offensive’ hiring after rumors spread that students would need to “brush up on the fundamentals of the Catholic  faith” before beginning this upcoming semester.

Ryan Gurley, a sophomore who described himself as ‘devoutly spiritual,’ told EOTT that his refusal to participate in any further religion classes might lead to his suspension.

“I understand that I’ll eventually either be suspended, or I won’t ever be able to graduate, but I have to stand my ground. I’ll never cave when it comes to my faith. I’m a spiritual zealot, which means I faithfully believe in every religion – so long as it isn’t Christianity, of course.  And that’s why I now stand on my rights as an American citizen and Catholic to not be forced to have to learn the tenets of Catholicism in a Catholic school. What next, having to learn the fundamentals of analytic geometry in Calculus class?”

School officials say that the accidental hiring of Mr. Alguire came after someone in the administration’s office neglected to perform a competent background check.

“This is a major oversight and, as you can probably imagine, a very embarrassing moment for the university,” said one school official. “The background process is pretty simple and straight forward. As a proud Catholic university, we do not ask for resumes or any other official documents proving competency. The only thing we do is to make sure that the applicant is either an anti-Catholic Protestant, an atheist, or an agnostic, and that if the applicant does happen to be a Catholic, that he attends no more than two masses a year, preferably none. When it comes to nearly all other departments outside of History and a couple of others, the door is wide open to practicing Catholics. That’s what makes us a Catholic university. Also, we just put up some bland, random crosses around the university so that parents of potential students may feel proud and comfortable not only sending their children here, but for paying the outrageous tuition we charge to do so.”

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3 Responses to PopeWatch: Offensive Catholics

  • Don
    I thought Eye was a satire sight not anew sight.

    When I attended a Major Catholic University (late 60’s early 70 ) It’s Catholicism rested on three pillars

    recruited students as a Catholic University.
    Solicited donations as a Catholic University.

    Enough other stuff so the first two did not violate the Civil Statute of Frauds.

    Otherwise an excellent secular University.

  • I attended a secular, non-Catholic, university … hence the likely reason I remain a practicing, orthodox, Catholic more than forty years afterwards. Mind you, Marxism had not prevailed everywhere in academia and beyond back then, so the Church had a fighting chance.

  • My husband’s favorite saying on the subject: “Why let a “Catholic” university send your kid to hell when a secular one can do it just as well, and for less?” Pretty cynical but true.

PopeWatch: Ad Orientem

Saturday, April 29, AD 2017

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

After conducting his first symphony since being named Maestro of the New Mexico Philharmonic, Chinese-born Li Wei Chen has been under heavy scrutiny from longtime patrons for conducting Beethoven’s famous 9th Symphony while facing the orchestra.

Season subscriber Lance Humphrey told EOTT that he was offended that Chen did not conduct facing the audience like their old maestro.

“Look, I understand that the symphony is still the symphony no matter what, but I just think that turning his back toward us while conducting just takes us back to an archaic time.”

Many have reportedly labelled Chen a “Symphonic Rad Trad,” saying that he was out of touch with mainstream music.

New Mexico Symphony donor Cecilia Cotes told EOTT that it reminded her of times when she would be in music class and would be “whacked on the knuckles with a violin bow.”

“It’s completely outdated. What we want is Maestro Chen to turn and face us so that we can feel like we’re participating in the orchestral movements. Does that make sense?”

At press time, Chen has said that he would not turn to face the people, but would consider allowing a number patrons on stage to turn the pages of the sheet music during concerts.

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PopeWatch: Checkmate

Saturday, April 8, AD 2017

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Society of St. Pius X chess grandmaster Larcel Mafebvre has turned four of his pieces into bishops without approval from the World Chess Federation, officials have confirmed.

“Mr. Mafebvre has, without approval from the Federation, created bishops out of pawn pieces,” said World Chess Federation head Antonio Salamanca. “After speaking with Mr. Mafebvre regarding abiding by the new chess rules, wherein players are given the freedom to concelebrate the match, and to say the words of ‘checkmate’ in the vernacular, he has sadly decided to ignore our requests.”

Salamanca went on to tell reporters that Mafebvre had automatically incurred excheckommunication because of his disobedience.

“I must do what is in my conscience to preserve the dignity of the game,”  Mafebvre told EOTT in an exclusive interview. “Therefore, I have decided to consecrate four of my pieces into bishops to help my depleted side, for, from some Fischer, the smoke of Satan has entered the chessboard of God.”

At press time, one time follower of Larcel Mafebvre’s, Bavid Dawden, told EOTT that he has decided to become head of the World Chess Federation, though he only has three pawns to play with.

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PopeWatch: Diplomatic Jesus

Saturday, April 1, AD 2017

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Cincinnati, OH––Catholic book publisher and distributer St. Clare Press announced today that their new non-confrontational translation of the Bible will be released sometime this September. St. Clare executive Roger Hammond told the press this week that he hopes the new translation helps to appease the minds of critics that have long called the Bible violent and judgmental. “It took close to a decade to complete this ambitious translation, and we’re confident it’ll help people better understand the all-encompassing compassion contained within the scriptures. Hammond goes on to explain one of the most riveting scenes in the New Testament where Jesus, after having overturned the tables of the money changers, goes back to help clean up, apologizing profusely as he does so. Another scene in which the compassion and kindness of Jesus shines forth is Matthew 16:23 where, after having been asked by Peter to not enter Jerusalem and eventually into the hands of the Pharisees, Jesus asks Peter to “hold that thought for a moment,” before addressing Satan; “Satan, if you wouldn’t moving just a tad bit behind me? I’d really like to get this little point across to Peter. I feel so rude asking you this, but…I mean don’t go out of your way or anything…” Hammond went on to tell reporters that the project has become a kind of therapy for all those involved in the project. One employee of St. Clare Press, Beverly Tomas, said that seeing Christ in a new, more tender, and compassionate way helped her get over years of abuse she suffered by “strict and judgmental nuns.” “I remember sitting back just a year ago and reading a newly translated verse in which the old Christ would’ve said something like “Woe to you, Pharisees, you hypocrites,” but now he gently places a hand on the shoulder of a Pharisee, pleadingly, and says,”Come on guys…I was gonna call you a whited-washed sepulchers, but honestly, I don’t think you’re a bad person…I just think maybe you’re hurting,” and lightly tapping the Pharisee on the chest, Jesus said unto him, “Hey, guy…you wanna know what I think? I think you’re hurting inside…hurting right there in that big ol’ heart of yours. Is that’s why you’re acting like this? Wanna talk about it?”

 

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One Response to PopeWatch: Diplomatic Jesus

  • I like the new interpretation where Jesus is telling the woman at the well; “Hey it’s okay….One, four, FIVE husband’s..It doesn’t matter…As long as your happy.”

    Happiness and good well water.
    What else is there?

PopeWatch: Leaving on a Jet Plane

Saturday, March 25, AD 2017

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Roman Curia officials pulled out all the stops this year to celebrate the 4th anniversary of Pope Francis’ accession to the Throne of St. Peter after scrounging together a few hundred Euro to surprise him with an unforgettable one-way ticket to his native Buenos Aires.

“He’s been working so hard lately, we thought he could use an extended, indefinite getaway,” said Msgr. Giuseppe Bernardo, an attaché attached to the Papal Household. “Plus it’s a 14-hour flight…ample time for several meandering in-flight press scrums.”

“He’s going to love this!” honorary prelate Anotonio Vada said, trying to contain his excitement. “We even had his boarding pass printed on poster-board like those giant ceremonial checks diocesan bishops are so fond of.”

 

At press time, the Curia was preparing to clean the universal Church while the boss was away.

“He left behind a pretty big mess,” an unnamed Cardinal prefect whispered.  “This may take a century or more.  Some of the stains might never come out.”

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PopeWatch: Bugged

Saturday, March 18, AD 2017

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The Vatican has refused to say whether an apology was in the works after eavesdropping allegations were made by Francis last week against his predecessor.

Pope Francis’ claim that his confessional was wiretapped by Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI has yet to be supported by evidence, but the Pontiff isn’t ready to apologize for the accusation just yet.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Director of the Holy See Press Office Greg Burke told reporters on Friday when asked if Francis would apologize to Pope Benedict if his allegations were debunked. “I think it’s important to see where this goes, and I don’t want to prejudge the investigation at this time.”

Pope Francis has alleged in a number of tweets last Saturday that Benedict had let Vatican officials conduct surveillance on his Buenos Aires confessional before becoming pope.

“Terrible! Just found out that Benedict had my ‘wires tapped’ in San Roberto Bellarmino Church In Buenos Aires just before my papal victory. Nothing found!”

 

Go here to read the comments.  PopeWatch attempted to contact the Vatican for comment, but when his phone began to make odd sounds like a Bulgarian singing a Gregorian chant backwards, PopeWatch hastily ended the call.

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3 Responses to PopeWatch: Bugged

  • Believe it or not, Fr. Raymond de Souza actually took this seriously. He took to Facebook warning people that this was fake news. A Catholic media figure who is too ignorant to realize EOTT is satire. Now there’s a real hoot for you. Sad too, when you think about it.

  • The international C.H.A.O.S. group is behind the wiretap. They were behind the Crow drone in the infamous Peace Dove attack at the Vatican a few years ago;
    https://youtu.be/QTj0xs6t8z8

    CHAOS is; Catholics Honoring Another Oracle than holy Spirit.

    This movement is catching on and some believe woman Priest’s​ will be the next big development since the election of its first Pope.

  • Fr. de Souza was right to spell it out. I knew several who thought Dan Brown’s “Da Vinci Code” was non-fiction.

PopeWatch: Pope Burke

Saturday, March 4, AD 2017

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

In an epic mistake that drew gasps from Catholics and non-Catholics around the world yesterday, Cardinal Protodeacon Jean-Louis Tauran recently announced that he mistakenly named Jorge Mario Bergoglio as pope at the 2013 Papal Conclave, when in reality it was Cardinal Raymond Burke that won the top prize.

The newly-elected Pope Francis was saying some random thing that would have made many Catholics scratching their heads when the interjection came that Burke had in fact been elected pope.

“I want to tell you what happened,” Tauran told press gathered at the Vatican yesterday. “I opened the envelope, and it said ‘Jorge Mario Bergoglio, La La Church.’”

“Burke,” the story of a white, Catholic, conservative man had already won best supporting cardinal for Making Things Look A Little Less Out Of Control.

“Very clearly, even in my prayers this could not be true,” Burke told those gathered in St. Peter’s Square. “But to hell with it, I’m done with it, because this is true. Oh my goodness.”

It was not immediately clear how the mistake was made, though EOTT tweeted out a photo that showed that the envelope in Tauran’s hand reading “Best Bishop Of A Diocese That Is Not The Diocese of Rome.”

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3 Responses to PopeWatch: Pope Burke

  • An American Pope. How extraordinary. An orthodox Pope. How orthodox.

  • I saw this picture some time ago, and actually sent a printed copy to the good cardinal in Rome. He very graciously replied to my accompanying note, but didn’t mention the photo for some reason.

  • “Red Hatter’s Matter!”-Author unknown..thank goodness.

    Vatican Cards.
    Sort of like poker, sheepshead and Euchre rolled into one.

    Example: I see your bluff, I’ll raise you five and trade my Pope for three of your Cardinals. Oh, and Cardinal Burke is wild.
    Trump is well..trump, and everybody gets a hors d’oeuvre.

    You can’t win. The deck is stacked.

PopeWatch: Clown Masses

Saturday, February 4, AD 2017

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Reports out of Cincinnati, Ohio today suggest sightings of Creepy Clown Masses are on the rise nationwide, and at levels not seen since the introduction of the 3rd typical edition of the Roman Missal five years ago.

While anecdotes abounded in the 1990’s, most Catholics had never seen a Creepy Clown Mass themselves until recently.

“I was ascending the side altar for my morning Latin Mass when I suddenly heard a calliope playing ‘All Are Welcome’ for a procession of creepy clowns in the nave,” said Monsignor Adrian Fitch. “They wouldn’t leave until I let them present the gifts. Another time I felt this hand on my shoulder and, at first, I thought it was just crazy ol’ Sister Ann [Provincial of the Congregation of Pant-Suited Pantomimes] extending her hand again for the Consecration, but nope, it was a freakin’ creepy clown with a chalice in one hand and a machete in the other.”

While some are calling the phenomenon a natural response to calls for more inclusive and diverse faith communities, others are calling it a publicity stunt for the upcoming Vigil of All Saints Day.  A growing minority, however, are attributing it to the circus atmosphere of the current Pontificate.

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2 Responses to PopeWatch: Clown Masses

  • I did notice a Franciscan once wearing about a size 17 pair of floppy sandals, but alas, I admit to being neglectful in not reporting him to the Chancery .
    Also, if we do spot a clown ready to have a Mass, are we required to accommodate him?

  • Don L.

    Hummm. My small PIETA prayer booklet, so old it’s held together by tape,glue and luck, states; Never attack a priest. Clowns masquerading as priests are fair game. Priest masquerading as clowns preparing to celebrate Holy Mass….Well they need prayer and twist on the ear lobe. Sr. Agnes style.

PopeWatch: Tramp Stamp

Saturday, January 21, AD 2017

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

According to several reports out today, the Vatican will be issuing lower back tattoos to Catholics in honor of German priest and protestant reformer Martin Luther this October.

Although Martin Luther was declared a heretic and excommunicated in 1521, Vatican officials have reportedly sent letters to all Catholics that are “able and willing” to visit Rome for the “official issuing of the ecclesiastical tramp stamp.”

“We believe that Martin Luther, though deemed a heretic by the antiquated Catholic Church, is deserving of recognition for being a witness to the gospel,” said Vatican Tramp Stamp official Eduardo Rosalini. “Also because we want people to like us. No matter whether it’s our fault or not. We do as Christ did in the Scriptures when he apologized to Pontius Pilate, blaming hypocritical members of the Sanhedrin for driving [Pilate] away from a potential conversion to Judaism.”

Rosalini went on to say that, although Catholics will not be eligible for indulgences for getting the tramp stamp due to Luther’s stance on the issue, they will, nevertheless, be compensated with salvation “no matter what sins they commit after the getting the tattoo.”

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8 Responses to PopeWatch: Tramp Stamp

  • Whoa, it looks like a “move over Che” moment has arrived.

  • Tattoo’s..?

    Wait for the ecclesiastical piercings!

    The crucifix hammer and sickle is charming. It will make great nose hardware for Lent. Sort of a mortification of the flesh.

  • In remembering that Henry V111 made himself the Head of the Church in England about 1535, and other nefarious happenings during that Century, satan might have uttered, as the Century clicked over,
    ‘One small step for Lucifer…one Giant step for evil’s kind.’ Timothy R.

  • But what about the women and the men who say they are women? Can they not have the tat where Madonna is having her protest tat done?

  • I was one of the Police Officers assigned to play bodyguard to Madonna when she was here filming the movie “A League of their Own”. To say that I was unimpressed with her, would be an understatement. TR.

  • My guess is that Madonna had sold her soul out years ago..1978 – 80.
    Her popularity and misuse of Catholic names, the Sacredness of our identity as a Holy Church as well as wearing rosaries while behaving like a woman possessed..this for fame and fortune.

    She will understand the question; What profit a man if he gains the whole world but looses his soul in the process?

    Micheal Jackson comes to mind.

    Pure implosion.
    I’m surprised Madonna hasn’t self destructed yet.

    God have Mercy.

  • Philip…I am more concerned with all of the young girls that she SCANDALIZED ! Jesus said that for anyone who scandalizes a child, “It would be better for them to have a great millstone hung around their neck and thrown into the Ocean” ! TR.

  • Instead of correcting the faults of the clergy, Martin Luther destroyed the faith of the people, depriving the people of the Truth of the Catholic faith. Luther excommunicated himself. Not even the Pope can live his free will for Luther. What is bound in heaven cannot be unbound on earth by the Vicar of Christ, nor ought it be loosed. Luther tramped out of the Church of his own free will and Francis cannot change that… not even with a Tramp Stamp.

PopeWatch: Safe Spaces

Saturday, December 10, AD 2016

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops met in Baltimore yesterday to discuss churches in the United States providing “safe spaces” from hostile Catholic teachings, such as abortion and same-sex marriage.

Bishops at the assembly said that serving Catholics that are emotionally distraught by certain Church teachings is “part of our identity as Catholics,’’ and pledged to provide safe spaces in every church in America.

‘‘We stand ready to work with frustrated Catholics and to provide them with safe spaces within churches where they may go during homilies that are hostile in nature,” bishops said. “Our duty as shepherds is to lead our flock not only to the good news of Jesus Christ, but also to the well of refuge from insensitive, unsympathetic, and judgmental teachings. That well ought to be within a cry room, which shall remain being called ‘cry rooms,’ as all are welcome to express their feelings, either by outrage or outright crying, within these rooms without feeling threatened by the glare of impolitically correct, rigid parishioners. I propose that these adult cry rooms should be specifically designed for emotional adults so that they may participate and partake in the Mass while being acoustically sealed off, so that they may not hear whatever is being spewed out of the mouth of an insensitive priest.”

 

The bishops went on to pledge that they will work to ease doctrinal rhetoric in churches, saying that “just like any other work place, a church is not an appropriate place to discuss politics or religion.”

At press time, bishops are voting on whether to grant a dispensation to Catholics who are still emotionally unsettled by Trump’s presidential victory from having to attend Mass until he is out of office.

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5 Responses to PopeWatch: Safe Spaces

PopeWatch: Rigid Moses

Saturday, December 3, AD 2016

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber

 

Pope Francis on Monday warned against the excessive rigidity of the Ten Commandments and said “God gives us the freedom to search our own conscience for commandments.”

“I always try to understand what’s behind people who are too young to have seen Moses walk down from Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments, and yet still they want to obey them,” Francis said. “Sometimes I find myself confronted with a very legalistic person who follows the Commandments and I ask myself, ‘Why so much rigidity?’ This rigidity in following the Commandments always hides something, insecurity or even something else.”

Pope Francis went on to say that, “Behind an attitude of always feeling like you must follow the rigidity of the Commandments there is something else in the life of a person. The Commandments are not a gift of God. The Beatitudes are because they are not a list of rules that stiffen us and make us rigid; they make us feel good.”

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14 Responses to PopeWatch: Rigid Moses

  • Following in the footsteps of rigid Moses comes Springfield Illinois Bishop;
    http://www.courageouspriest.com/bishop-paprocki-sets-record-straight

    If anything, PF has successfully muddied the water and created doubt. The great news is that we have bishop’s and priest’s who are worthy to their calling. They will not be called “least in the kingdom of Heaven.” Others are currently seeking that position and by their ambiguity are securing it. Poor souls.

    Thanks Bishop Paprocki.
    God bless you.

  • My sources tell me Pope Francis has been pacing the halls of Casa Sancte Marthae mumbling “Hestonus anathema sit.”

  • Perfect….and Maggie Sullivan in comments typed an amazingly long list of Francis’ name calling…..of Catholics…not of ISIS….of Catholics. Parenthetically, ISIS has been sniper shooting small children in Mosul. PBS interviewed 2 USA medics who have tended hundreds of children with bullet entries…many died after help as in the case of a girl crying on the operating table who later died. No one in Heaven will cry if such ISIS scum enter hell very soon.

  • Perhaps Pope Francis would have this in mind.

  • I’ll bet the they don’t yet realize that they’ve Photo-shopped the original Ten Commandments tablet and blurred the writing, so that now everyone can see what they want in them. There also is a casting of them in rubber to provide more flexibility to solve that rigidity issue.
    The entire intent of all this was to reduce the stress on the limited number of pastors who have been flooded with requests from second and third marriage ex-parishioners to retrain them about this conscience thing.

  • Isaiah 33:22

    (Responsorial for today’s Mass;)

    “The LORD is our Judge, our Lawgiver, our King; He it is who will save us.”

    Thanks be To God.

    Please pray for Pope Francis.
    Not necessarily his intentions, but as a wise commentor mentioned, for God’s intention in his life.

  • Bill Bannon’s comment is heart wrenching. Does the Pope care at all? Or is it all the fault of Western gringo capitalist arms dealers? God save us from this Argentinian heretic!

  • I’m prone to explaining contraception as breaking the 1st commandment in offense to God, breaking the 5th commandment as an act against life, breaking the 7th commandment in stealing pleasure but not acting in accordance with what God has Designed, and leading to breaking the 6th and 9th commandments personally and in Society.

    I do this not because I’m “rigid”, but to help Everyone avoid the sin of contraception.
    This Pope is a moron.

  • Most folks are going to find Pope Francis ‘wet noodle morality’ most merciful and not see that it is the work of the devil. This is due to 50 years of ‘wet noodle doctrine’ where sin has evaporated and everyone goes to heaven. Let us call for divine intervention and the courage to speak out against these diabolical outrages.

  • @ Michael Dowd.

    Agreed. Personally, I had difficulty with separating the Chair of Peter from the fallible man who occupies said chair. Respect for the office, in this pontificate, us different than respect for the man. I took me longer than most to finally come to that truth.

  • is…not us.. excuse my typo.

  • Wait a minute! This is Eye of the Tiber…satire, right? Right????

  • To Kmbold: Satire yes, but also the truth.