PopeWatch: Catholic Education

Saturday, May 20, AD 2017

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Facing financial ruin due to the high cost of trying to provide their son with a good Catholic education, sources confirmed Thursday that parents of high school freshman Johnny Irving, Tom and Lisa, are quite impressed with their son’s growing knowledge of every tenet of every religion, but Catholicism.

According to the freshman’s parents, Irving has gained an immense amount of knowledge about the Koran, The Analects of Confucius, and the Book of Mormon in his class Fundamentals of Catholic Doctrine 101.

“It’s breathtaking the amount of non-Catholic knowledge he’s learning in his Catholic Doctrine class,” Lisa Irving told EOTT. “We’re about a paycheck or two away from filing for bankruptcy just so Johnny can learn about everything but Catholicism at a Catholic school, but it’s so worth it. He always comes home telling us interesting things about Catholic teaching like how according to the Church the most important doctrine is coexistence. And how the Church teaches that it’s pointless to evangelize since a person’s own consciousness, being infused by a higher spirit, stirs within him or her at birth and sanctifies every belief, whim, or desire that person has. I didn’t know that. Probably because I went to Catholic school when classrooms had crucifixes and whatnot in them.”

 

Lisa went on to say that, though her son still has never heard of the Nicene Creed, that he had memorized several verses from the Koran that incidentally mention Jesus, and that through Buddhist teachings, he has come to learn about Christ the bodhisattva.

“Listen, some people might think $40,000 for a four-year high school education seems absurd, ” Lisa Irving went on to say. “But tell that to me when my son graduates summa cum laude, which of course he will graduate with since every student in that fine scholastic institution graduates with that honor.”

At press time, Johnny is studying for his midterms in one of the school’s mandatory classes, Advanced Being Nice.

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5 Responses to PopeWatch: Catholic Education

  • I must confess that I went (too often drinking when I should have been thinking) through a Catholic college wheree ach year three credits of Theology were required. I earned three of them for a course on Islam taught by a Bulgarian priest who had been in a labor battalion with the Axis forces in Italy. FYI they were white-washing the filthy paganism back then, too.

    It is Armed Forces Day. Greet theme ever with grateful hearts.

  • During my college years, my parish was a huge old church,
    run by members of an order once famous for its missionary work, but
    now sadly heterodox and decadent. I volunteered to teach CCD, and
    another volunteer and I were assigned to teach the high schoolers. The
    workbooks we were given to use had been purchased at great expense from
    a convent publishing house and were short on information and long on
    new age psychobabble. We quietly shelved them and taught from a
    catechism.

    These were good kids, and some had been in Catholic schools their entire
    academic lives. But they were almost utterly ignorant of the basics of
    the Faith. The Trinity? Never heard of it. Real Presence? Appalled and
    disgusted. I had the students raise their hands if they thought Jesus was
    a man, but not God. Half the class. God, but not a man? The other half.
    What about both God and man? One hand.

    It wasn’t that these kids were jerking my chain and pretending to not know
    these things– the basics of the Faith were almost completely unknown to
    them. Their parents had put them through Catholic schools, and had them
    attending CCD, all with the understanding that they were being taught these
    things– and they were not. I cannot speak to why the parents weren’t
    talking with their teens to find out what they’d learned, or reinforce and
    explain articles of faith. But I can say that this affluent parish with 3(!) priests,
    a seminarian doing his diaconate year, and both a paid Liturgist and a Director
    of Religious Education on staff seemed unperturbed with the status quo.
    Those kids had had their birthright– the Catholic Faith– traded for a mess
    of porridge and the parents and staff at the parish didn’t appear to see
    the problem.

  • Clinton, my parents wasted their money on so called Catholic education in the 1970s.
    I got the Internet in early 1999 and learned more in three months than I learned in eight years of Catholic school and CCD.

  • Sad but true. I did not catch on to what happened until the ‘90s when I met a Louvain priest and Bible scholar who I realized had lost his faith.

  • My local Diocese’s newspaper has a weekly section entitled “Our Catholic Youth”. The pages are dedicated to the 5-8% of catholic school children who attend private school in the Diocese. Costs for such schooling have risen to $6K per child for each year of grade school and $12K per child for each year of high school. The local Diocese high school imports 30% of it’s students from two neighboring diocese as it is located near a major highway, and 20% of it’s students are non-catholic. Each year Pro Life essays are promoted by the Diocese but only for those in attendance at the Diocese schools. Those in attendance at the Diocese high school are pushed to attend the most expensive colleges across the country, in the words of the high school president “students attendance at elite colleges ($$) is the measure of the quality of the high school”. The student’s then gain the diocese high school a reputation, while incurring a lot of debt. Judging by the alumni newspaper (I attended the HS 35 years ago when things were quite different), few marry, and those that do typically have only 1 maybe 2 children.
    – Typical students are white, upper middle class with no more than one sibling.
    – My wife and I having been promoters of NFP, know many who use NFP in the area and know of no parents who have children in the schools who do not use contraception. We in fact are laughed at for being promoters of NFP and having four children.

    I recently stopped receiving the Diocese newspaper, the hypocrisy was just too much.

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PopeWatch: Offensive Catholics

Saturday, May 13, AD 2017

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

A Catholic university is under fire this week after school administrators accidentally hired 37-year-old Todd Alguire, a practicing Catholic, to head their Department of Theology.

Diocesan bishop Kevin Sterling  has now demanded an investigation into the ‘offensive’ hiring after rumors spread that students would need to “brush up on the fundamentals of the Catholic  faith” before beginning this upcoming semester.

Ryan Gurley, a sophomore who described himself as ‘devoutly spiritual,’ told EOTT that his refusal to participate in any further religion classes might lead to his suspension.

“I understand that I’ll eventually either be suspended, or I won’t ever be able to graduate, but I have to stand my ground. I’ll never cave when it comes to my faith. I’m a spiritual zealot, which means I faithfully believe in every religion – so long as it isn’t Christianity, of course.  And that’s why I now stand on my rights as an American citizen and Catholic to not be forced to have to learn the tenets of Catholicism in a Catholic school. What next, having to learn the fundamentals of analytic geometry in Calculus class?”

School officials say that the accidental hiring of Mr. Alguire came after someone in the administration’s office neglected to perform a competent background check.

“This is a major oversight and, as you can probably imagine, a very embarrassing moment for the university,” said one school official. “The background process is pretty simple and straight forward. As a proud Catholic university, we do not ask for resumes or any other official documents proving competency. The only thing we do is to make sure that the applicant is either an anti-Catholic Protestant, an atheist, or an agnostic, and that if the applicant does happen to be a Catholic, that he attends no more than two masses a year, preferably none. When it comes to nearly all other departments outside of History and a couple of others, the door is wide open to practicing Catholics. That’s what makes us a Catholic university. Also, we just put up some bland, random crosses around the university so that parents of potential students may feel proud and comfortable not only sending their children here, but for paying the outrageous tuition we charge to do so.”

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3 Responses to PopeWatch: Offensive Catholics

  • Don
    I thought Eye was a satire sight not anew sight.

    When I attended a Major Catholic University (late 60’s early 70 ) It’s Catholicism rested on three pillars

    recruited students as a Catholic University.
    Solicited donations as a Catholic University.

    Enough other stuff so the first two did not violate the Civil Statute of Frauds.

    Otherwise an excellent secular University.

  • I attended a secular, non-Catholic, university … hence the likely reason I remain a practicing, orthodox, Catholic more than forty years afterwards. Mind you, Marxism had not prevailed everywhere in academia and beyond back then, so the Church had a fighting chance.

  • My husband’s favorite saying on the subject: “Why let a “Catholic” university send your kid to hell when a secular one can do it just as well, and for less?” Pretty cynical but true.

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PopeWatch: Ad Orientem

Saturday, April 29, AD 2017

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

After conducting his first symphony since being named Maestro of the New Mexico Philharmonic, Chinese-born Li Wei Chen has been under heavy scrutiny from longtime patrons for conducting Beethoven’s famous 9th Symphony while facing the orchestra.

Season subscriber Lance Humphrey told EOTT that he was offended that Chen did not conduct facing the audience like their old maestro.

“Look, I understand that the symphony is still the symphony no matter what, but I just think that turning his back toward us while conducting just takes us back to an archaic time.”

Many have reportedly labelled Chen a “Symphonic Rad Trad,” saying that he was out of touch with mainstream music.

New Mexico Symphony donor Cecilia Cotes told EOTT that it reminded her of times when she would be in music class and would be “whacked on the knuckles with a violin bow.”

“It’s completely outdated. What we want is Maestro Chen to turn and face us so that we can feel like we’re participating in the orchestral movements. Does that make sense?”

At press time, Chen has said that he would not turn to face the people, but would consider allowing a number patrons on stage to turn the pages of the sheet music during concerts.

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PopeWatch: Checkmate

Saturday, April 8, AD 2017

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Society of St. Pius X chess grandmaster Larcel Mafebvre has turned four of his pieces into bishops without approval from the World Chess Federation, officials have confirmed.

“Mr. Mafebvre has, without approval from the Federation, created bishops out of pawn pieces,” said World Chess Federation head Antonio Salamanca. “After speaking with Mr. Mafebvre regarding abiding by the new chess rules, wherein players are given the freedom to concelebrate the match, and to say the words of ‘checkmate’ in the vernacular, he has sadly decided to ignore our requests.”

Salamanca went on to tell reporters that Mafebvre had automatically incurred excheckommunication because of his disobedience.

“I must do what is in my conscience to preserve the dignity of the game,”  Mafebvre told EOTT in an exclusive interview. “Therefore, I have decided to consecrate four of my pieces into bishops to help my depleted side, for, from some Fischer, the smoke of Satan has entered the chessboard of God.”

At press time, one time follower of Larcel Mafebvre’s, Bavid Dawden, told EOTT that he has decided to become head of the World Chess Federation, though he only has three pawns to play with.

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PopeWatch: Diplomatic Jesus

Saturday, April 1, AD 2017

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Cincinnati, OH––Catholic book publisher and distributer St. Clare Press announced today that their new non-confrontational translation of the Bible will be released sometime this September. St. Clare executive Roger Hammond told the press this week that he hopes the new translation helps to appease the minds of critics that have long called the Bible violent and judgmental. “It took close to a decade to complete this ambitious translation, and we’re confident it’ll help people better understand the all-encompassing compassion contained within the scriptures. Hammond goes on to explain one of the most riveting scenes in the New Testament where Jesus, after having overturned the tables of the money changers, goes back to help clean up, apologizing profusely as he does so. Another scene in which the compassion and kindness of Jesus shines forth is Matthew 16:23 where, after having been asked by Peter to not enter Jerusalem and eventually into the hands of the Pharisees, Jesus asks Peter to “hold that thought for a moment,” before addressing Satan; “Satan, if you wouldn’t moving just a tad bit behind me? I’d really like to get this little point across to Peter. I feel so rude asking you this, but…I mean don’t go out of your way or anything…” Hammond went on to tell reporters that the project has become a kind of therapy for all those involved in the project. One employee of St. Clare Press, Beverly Tomas, said that seeing Christ in a new, more tender, and compassionate way helped her get over years of abuse she suffered by “strict and judgmental nuns.” “I remember sitting back just a year ago and reading a newly translated verse in which the old Christ would’ve said something like “Woe to you, Pharisees, you hypocrites,” but now he gently places a hand on the shoulder of a Pharisee, pleadingly, and says,”Come on guys…I was gonna call you a whited-washed sepulchers, but honestly, I don’t think you’re a bad person…I just think maybe you’re hurting,” and lightly tapping the Pharisee on the chest, Jesus said unto him, “Hey, guy…you wanna know what I think? I think you’re hurting inside…hurting right there in that big ol’ heart of yours. Is that’s why you’re acting like this? Wanna talk about it?”

 

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One Response to PopeWatch: Diplomatic Jesus

  • I like the new interpretation where Jesus is telling the woman at the well; “Hey it’s okay….One, four, FIVE husband’s..It doesn’t matter…As long as your happy.”

    Happiness and good well water.
    What else is there?

PopeWatch: Leaving on a Jet Plane

Saturday, March 25, AD 2017

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Roman Curia officials pulled out all the stops this year to celebrate the 4th anniversary of Pope Francis’ accession to the Throne of St. Peter after scrounging together a few hundred Euro to surprise him with an unforgettable one-way ticket to his native Buenos Aires.

“He’s been working so hard lately, we thought he could use an extended, indefinite getaway,” said Msgr. Giuseppe Bernardo, an attaché attached to the Papal Household. “Plus it’s a 14-hour flight…ample time for several meandering in-flight press scrums.”

“He’s going to love this!” honorary prelate Anotonio Vada said, trying to contain his excitement. “We even had his boarding pass printed on poster-board like those giant ceremonial checks diocesan bishops are so fond of.”

 

At press time, the Curia was preparing to clean the universal Church while the boss was away.

“He left behind a pretty big mess,” an unnamed Cardinal prefect whispered.  “This may take a century or more.  Some of the stains might never come out.”

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4 Responses to PopeWatch: Leaving on a Jet Plane

PopeWatch: Bugged

Saturday, March 18, AD 2017

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The Vatican has refused to say whether an apology was in the works after eavesdropping allegations were made by Francis last week against his predecessor.

Pope Francis’ claim that his confessional was wiretapped by Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI has yet to be supported by evidence, but the Pontiff isn’t ready to apologize for the accusation just yet.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Director of the Holy See Press Office Greg Burke told reporters on Friday when asked if Francis would apologize to Pope Benedict if his allegations were debunked. “I think it’s important to see where this goes, and I don’t want to prejudge the investigation at this time.”

Pope Francis has alleged in a number of tweets last Saturday that Benedict had let Vatican officials conduct surveillance on his Buenos Aires confessional before becoming pope.

“Terrible! Just found out that Benedict had my ‘wires tapped’ in San Roberto Bellarmino Church In Buenos Aires just before my papal victory. Nothing found!”

 

Go here to read the comments.  PopeWatch attempted to contact the Vatican for comment, but when his phone began to make odd sounds like a Bulgarian singing a Gregorian chant backwards, PopeWatch hastily ended the call.

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3 Responses to PopeWatch: Bugged

  • Believe it or not, Fr. Raymond de Souza actually took this seriously. He took to Facebook warning people that this was fake news. A Catholic media figure who is too ignorant to realize EOTT is satire. Now there’s a real hoot for you. Sad too, when you think about it.

  • The international C.H.A.O.S. group is behind the wiretap. They were behind the Crow drone in the infamous Peace Dove attack at the Vatican a few years ago;
    https://youtu.be/QTj0xs6t8z8

    CHAOS is; Catholics Honoring Another Oracle than holy Spirit.

    This movement is catching on and some believe woman Priest’s​ will be the next big development since the election of its first Pope.

  • Fr. de Souza was right to spell it out. I knew several who thought Dan Brown’s “Da Vinci Code” was non-fiction.

PopeWatch: Pope Burke

Saturday, March 4, AD 2017

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

In an epic mistake that drew gasps from Catholics and non-Catholics around the world yesterday, Cardinal Protodeacon Jean-Louis Tauran recently announced that he mistakenly named Jorge Mario Bergoglio as pope at the 2013 Papal Conclave, when in reality it was Cardinal Raymond Burke that won the top prize.

The newly-elected Pope Francis was saying some random thing that would have made many Catholics scratching their heads when the interjection came that Burke had in fact been elected pope.

“I want to tell you what happened,” Tauran told press gathered at the Vatican yesterday. “I opened the envelope, and it said ‘Jorge Mario Bergoglio, La La Church.’”

“Burke,” the story of a white, Catholic, conservative man had already won best supporting cardinal for Making Things Look A Little Less Out Of Control.

“Very clearly, even in my prayers this could not be true,” Burke told those gathered in St. Peter’s Square. “But to hell with it, I’m done with it, because this is true. Oh my goodness.”

It was not immediately clear how the mistake was made, though EOTT tweeted out a photo that showed that the envelope in Tauran’s hand reading “Best Bishop Of A Diocese That Is Not The Diocese of Rome.”

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3 Responses to PopeWatch: Pope Burke

  • An American Pope. How extraordinary. An orthodox Pope. How orthodox.

  • I saw this picture some time ago, and actually sent a printed copy to the good cardinal in Rome. He very graciously replied to my accompanying note, but didn’t mention the photo for some reason.

  • “Red Hatter’s Matter!”-Author unknown..thank goodness.

    Vatican Cards.
    Sort of like poker, sheepshead and Euchre rolled into one.

    Example: I see your bluff, I’ll raise you five and trade my Pope for three of your Cardinals. Oh, and Cardinal Burke is wild.
    Trump is well..trump, and everybody gets a hors d’oeuvre.

    You can’t win. The deck is stacked.

PopeWatch: Clown Masses

Saturday, February 4, AD 2017

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Reports out of Cincinnati, Ohio today suggest sightings of Creepy Clown Masses are on the rise nationwide, and at levels not seen since the introduction of the 3rd typical edition of the Roman Missal five years ago.

While anecdotes abounded in the 1990’s, most Catholics had never seen a Creepy Clown Mass themselves until recently.

“I was ascending the side altar for my morning Latin Mass when I suddenly heard a calliope playing ‘All Are Welcome’ for a procession of creepy clowns in the nave,” said Monsignor Adrian Fitch. “They wouldn’t leave until I let them present the gifts. Another time I felt this hand on my shoulder and, at first, I thought it was just crazy ol’ Sister Ann [Provincial of the Congregation of Pant-Suited Pantomimes] extending her hand again for the Consecration, but nope, it was a freakin’ creepy clown with a chalice in one hand and a machete in the other.”

While some are calling the phenomenon a natural response to calls for more inclusive and diverse faith communities, others are calling it a publicity stunt for the upcoming Vigil of All Saints Day.  A growing minority, however, are attributing it to the circus atmosphere of the current Pontificate.

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2 Responses to PopeWatch: Clown Masses

  • I did notice a Franciscan once wearing about a size 17 pair of floppy sandals, but alas, I admit to being neglectful in not reporting him to the Chancery .
    Also, if we do spot a clown ready to have a Mass, are we required to accommodate him?

  • Don L.

    Hummm. My small PIETA prayer booklet, so old it’s held together by tape,glue and luck, states; Never attack a priest. Clowns masquerading as priests are fair game. Priest masquerading as clowns preparing to celebrate Holy Mass….Well they need prayer and twist on the ear lobe. Sr. Agnes style.

PopeWatch: Tramp Stamp

Saturday, January 21, AD 2017

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

According to several reports out today, the Vatican will be issuing lower back tattoos to Catholics in honor of German priest and protestant reformer Martin Luther this October.

Although Martin Luther was declared a heretic and excommunicated in 1521, Vatican officials have reportedly sent letters to all Catholics that are “able and willing” to visit Rome for the “official issuing of the ecclesiastical tramp stamp.”

“We believe that Martin Luther, though deemed a heretic by the antiquated Catholic Church, is deserving of recognition for being a witness to the gospel,” said Vatican Tramp Stamp official Eduardo Rosalini. “Also because we want people to like us. No matter whether it’s our fault or not. We do as Christ did in the Scriptures when he apologized to Pontius Pilate, blaming hypocritical members of the Sanhedrin for driving [Pilate] away from a potential conversion to Judaism.”

Rosalini went on to say that, although Catholics will not be eligible for indulgences for getting the tramp stamp due to Luther’s stance on the issue, they will, nevertheless, be compensated with salvation “no matter what sins they commit after the getting the tattoo.”

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8 Responses to PopeWatch: Tramp Stamp

  • Whoa, it looks like a “move over Che” moment has arrived.

  • Tattoo’s..?

    Wait for the ecclesiastical piercings!

    The crucifix hammer and sickle is charming. It will make great nose hardware for Lent. Sort of a mortification of the flesh.

  • In remembering that Henry V111 made himself the Head of the Church in England about 1535, and other nefarious happenings during that Century, satan might have uttered, as the Century clicked over,
    ‘One small step for Lucifer…one Giant step for evil’s kind.’ Timothy R.

  • But what about the women and the men who say they are women? Can they not have the tat where Madonna is having her protest tat done?

  • I was one of the Police Officers assigned to play bodyguard to Madonna when she was here filming the movie “A League of their Own”. To say that I was unimpressed with her, would be an understatement. TR.

  • My guess is that Madonna had sold her soul out years ago..1978 – 80.
    Her popularity and misuse of Catholic names, the Sacredness of our identity as a Holy Church as well as wearing rosaries while behaving like a woman possessed..this for fame and fortune.

    She will understand the question; What profit a man if he gains the whole world but looses his soul in the process?

    Micheal Jackson comes to mind.

    Pure implosion.
    I’m surprised Madonna hasn’t self destructed yet.

    God have Mercy.

  • Philip…I am more concerned with all of the young girls that she SCANDALIZED ! Jesus said that for anyone who scandalizes a child, “It would be better for them to have a great millstone hung around their neck and thrown into the Ocean” ! TR.

  • Instead of correcting the faults of the clergy, Martin Luther destroyed the faith of the people, depriving the people of the Truth of the Catholic faith. Luther excommunicated himself. Not even the Pope can live his free will for Luther. What is bound in heaven cannot be unbound on earth by the Vicar of Christ, nor ought it be loosed. Luther tramped out of the Church of his own free will and Francis cannot change that… not even with a Tramp Stamp.

PopeWatch: Safe Spaces

Saturday, December 10, AD 2016

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops met in Baltimore yesterday to discuss churches in the United States providing “safe spaces” from hostile Catholic teachings, such as abortion and same-sex marriage.

Bishops at the assembly said that serving Catholics that are emotionally distraught by certain Church teachings is “part of our identity as Catholics,’’ and pledged to provide safe spaces in every church in America.

‘‘We stand ready to work with frustrated Catholics and to provide them with safe spaces within churches where they may go during homilies that are hostile in nature,” bishops said. “Our duty as shepherds is to lead our flock not only to the good news of Jesus Christ, but also to the well of refuge from insensitive, unsympathetic, and judgmental teachings. That well ought to be within a cry room, which shall remain being called ‘cry rooms,’ as all are welcome to express their feelings, either by outrage or outright crying, within these rooms without feeling threatened by the glare of impolitically correct, rigid parishioners. I propose that these adult cry rooms should be specifically designed for emotional adults so that they may participate and partake in the Mass while being acoustically sealed off, so that they may not hear whatever is being spewed out of the mouth of an insensitive priest.”

 

The bishops went on to pledge that they will work to ease doctrinal rhetoric in churches, saying that “just like any other work place, a church is not an appropriate place to discuss politics or religion.”

At press time, bishops are voting on whether to grant a dispensation to Catholics who are still emotionally unsettled by Trump’s presidential victory from having to attend Mass until he is out of office.

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5 Responses to PopeWatch: Safe Spaces

PopeWatch: Rigid Moses

Saturday, December 3, AD 2016

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber

 

Pope Francis on Monday warned against the excessive rigidity of the Ten Commandments and said “God gives us the freedom to search our own conscience for commandments.”

“I always try to understand what’s behind people who are too young to have seen Moses walk down from Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments, and yet still they want to obey them,” Francis said. “Sometimes I find myself confronted with a very legalistic person who follows the Commandments and I ask myself, ‘Why so much rigidity?’ This rigidity in following the Commandments always hides something, insecurity or even something else.”

Pope Francis went on to say that, “Behind an attitude of always feeling like you must follow the rigidity of the Commandments there is something else in the life of a person. The Commandments are not a gift of God. The Beatitudes are because they are not a list of rules that stiffen us and make us rigid; they make us feel good.”

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14 Responses to PopeWatch: Rigid Moses

  • Following in the footsteps of rigid Moses comes Springfield Illinois Bishop;
    http://www.courageouspriest.com/bishop-paprocki-sets-record-straight

    If anything, PF has successfully muddied the water and created doubt. The great news is that we have bishop’s and priest’s who are worthy to their calling. They will not be called “least in the kingdom of Heaven.” Others are currently seeking that position and by their ambiguity are securing it. Poor souls.

    Thanks Bishop Paprocki.
    God bless you.

  • My sources tell me Pope Francis has been pacing the halls of Casa Sancte Marthae mumbling “Hestonus anathema sit.”

  • Perfect….and Maggie Sullivan in comments typed an amazingly long list of Francis’ name calling…..of Catholics…not of ISIS….of Catholics. Parenthetically, ISIS has been sniper shooting small children in Mosul. PBS interviewed 2 USA medics who have tended hundreds of children with bullet entries…many died after help as in the case of a girl crying on the operating table who later died. No one in Heaven will cry if such ISIS scum enter hell very soon.

  • Perhaps Pope Francis would have this in mind.

  • I’ll bet the they don’t yet realize that they’ve Photo-shopped the original Ten Commandments tablet and blurred the writing, so that now everyone can see what they want in them. There also is a casting of them in rubber to provide more flexibility to solve that rigidity issue.
    The entire intent of all this was to reduce the stress on the limited number of pastors who have been flooded with requests from second and third marriage ex-parishioners to retrain them about this conscience thing.

  • Isaiah 33:22

    (Responsorial for today’s Mass;)

    “The LORD is our Judge, our Lawgiver, our King; He it is who will save us.”

    Thanks be To God.

    Please pray for Pope Francis.
    Not necessarily his intentions, but as a wise commentor mentioned, for God’s intention in his life.

  • Bill Bannon’s comment is heart wrenching. Does the Pope care at all? Or is it all the fault of Western gringo capitalist arms dealers? God save us from this Argentinian heretic!

  • I’m prone to explaining contraception as breaking the 1st commandment in offense to God, breaking the 5th commandment as an act against life, breaking the 7th commandment in stealing pleasure but not acting in accordance with what God has Designed, and leading to breaking the 6th and 9th commandments personally and in Society.

    I do this not because I’m “rigid”, but to help Everyone avoid the sin of contraception.
    This Pope is a moron.

  • Most folks are going to find Pope Francis ‘wet noodle morality’ most merciful and not see that it is the work of the devil. This is due to 50 years of ‘wet noodle doctrine’ where sin has evaporated and everyone goes to heaven. Let us call for divine intervention and the courage to speak out against these diabolical outrages.

  • @ Michael Dowd.

    Agreed. Personally, I had difficulty with separating the Chair of Peter from the fallible man who occupies said chair. Respect for the office, in this pontificate, us different than respect for the man. I took me longer than most to finally come to that truth.

  • is…not us.. excuse my typo.

  • Wait a minute! This is Eye of the Tiber…satire, right? Right????

  • To Kmbold: Satire yes, but also the truth.

PopeWatch: Instruction Manual

Saturday, November 19, AD 2016

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Telling the press today that instructions of Pope Francis’ IKEA gift to them had numerous inconsistencies, four cardinals wrote a letter to him asking that he “resolve the uncertainties and bring clarity to the instruction manual for the armchair.”

“We the undersigned, but also many bishops and priests, ask that you provide the correct interpretation to page three of the IKEA instructions for your AMÖRIS Armchair gift,” the cardinals wrote.

They went on to add that “both theologians and scholars have proposed interpretations” of how to put the armchair together, especially its third and fourth pages, “which contradict one another.”

“Compelled by our pastoral frustrations over this hastily written instruction pamphlet, and desiring to put this chair together once and for all, that faithful visitors may sit upon it, we, with profound respect, ask you, Holy Father, as Supreme Teacher of Construction, called to confirm his brothers in the build, to resolve the uncertainties and to bring clarity to these vague images of nuts, bolts, and other material that we cannot distinguish.”

A foreword to the letter states that the main issue regarding the instruction manual is that the legs of the armchair shown in the instructions in page five were not included in the box, giving the chair “no legs to stand on.”

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2 Responses to PopeWatch: Instruction Manual

  • My instruction manual says the item of concern was made in Argentina and not Rome as advertised. Furthermore it is refurbished and not OEM.

  • The dangers of outsourcing.

    The instructions were originally organized and placed into a formal manual, however the outsourcing of said manual via Germany and Argentina lead to discrepancies and ambiguous interpretations due to a lavender material that was incorrectly used to print the instructions on. Big mistake that.
    Everyone knows weak lavender can never be used for print. It’s mushy and practically impossible for the Word to adhere correctly. To correctly construct the armchair without overlooking any important steps one might be prudent by sticking to the original text on sturdy paper.

    Outsourcing costs jobs too.
    Just ask Cardinal Burke.

PopeWatch: Saint Luthor

Saturday, November 5, AD 2016

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

In a press conference aboard the papal plane this morning, Pope Francis confirmed reports that he would be investigating the life and works of 16th century “reformer” Martin Luther, stating that it was better late than never in “the Church’s eternal quest for ecumenism.”

On October 15, Pope Francis welcomed a number of Lutherans from Iceland, Norway, Sweden, and Germany to his residence in the Vatican, and called Martin Luther a brave Christian who was trying his best to reform a financially corrupt Church, which automatically makes the person a saint in the Church’s eyes.

Francis also said that the pivotal character in the Protestant Reformation was in heaven, noting that “all Christians that fight against greed are saints.”

“From here on, paintings and statues of Martin Luther are welcome in all churches around the world, because he is blessed,” Francis told those gathered. “Christians who suffer ridicule today because they, in essence, overturn the tables of the money changers extend a reflection of Martin Luther’s courage and bravery.”

Francis went on to state that it was his hope that by this time next year, all members of the Catholic Church would be reciting the entire Ninety-five Thesis just after the Nicene Creed during Mass, and that the next Jubilee would commence by his walking through the “Holy Door” of All Saints’ Church in Wittenberg where the Ninety-five Thesis was first posted.

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3 Responses to PopeWatch: Saint Luthor

  • Luthor – Luther – Lucifer – whatever…..

  • Lex Luthor is Superman’s enemy…an evil bald genius. I only match him on the bald part.
    Luther should have been seized by Charles V, dragged to Spain and put on trial by the Inqusition. They would have put his keester in its place. Bad ideas come from Germany….Luther, Freud, Marx, Hitler (yeah, I know he was Austrian).

    On an unrelated note, it is a shame that Charles V was not able to come to the aid of Mary Tudor, his cousin. Charles V’ mother was Juana (Juana La Loca/ Juana the Crazy), daughter of Queen isabel of Spain. Mary Tudor’s mother was Catalina of Aragon, youngest daughter of Queen Isabel.

  • To Spain: Cards Marx and Kasper. Soon in a plane, yes I know never plain, planned impropmtu press conference: Pre-Death Papal Self-Canonization. Check it out, it’s in the penumbras of John’s Gospel and the shadows of the “epistle of joy” to the Phillippians. And no more rabbit-like love, St. Margaret Sanger coming to a parish near you. Guy McClung

PopeWatch: Successor

Saturday, October 22, AD 2016

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The Vatican announced this week that Chicago Archbishop Blase Cupich has been selected to be Pope Francis’ successor after the 79-year-old pontiff hits the age of retirement next year.

Cupich told worshipers yesterday that he was “so very grateful and humbled by the news that he would be given the opportunity to wreak havoc upon the Church while wearing white.”

Cupich, 67, will receive his “white hat” in Rome on December 18, 2017, the day after Pope Francis turns 80. Cupich’s succession to the papacy also means he will have his choice of who will succeed him in the future.

“I would have to say as I reflect on it, while I’m pleased with this, I don’t feel any different,” Cupich told EOTT shortly after the news broke. “Joking, I feel pretty awesome and superior to everyone else. In a way, I’ve always felt like that, but now I’ll have more control to do as I wish with the Church, if that makes sense.”

Though this is the first time a pope has named a successor, it was no surprise to many that Cupich’s name was the one chosen on Sunday. Just last year, Francis picked Cupich to participate in a meeting to discuss how to better confuse the living crap out of people when it comes to the Church’s teachings on marriage, contraception, divorce and homosexuality.

Francis also named Cupich to the Congregation for Bishops, a Vatican panel that helps prevent orthodox and conservative bishop candidates from being elevated.

“Francis was looking for a doppelganger, someone who shares his mission, his message and his practices,” a Vatican representative told EOTT. “He found him in Chicago.”

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PopeWatch: It Would Explain a Lot

Saturday, October 15, AD 2016

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

A new series of emails released yesterday by WikiLeaks connected to its dump of John Podesta’s server show that ancestors to presidential nominee Hillary Clinton attempted to sabotage the Catholic Church by creating the Society of Jesus hundreds of years prior to her nomination.

The emails in question discuss Clinton’s and Podesta’s lineage back to the 1540’s when family ancestors schemed to undermine the Church by beginning the famed Society of Jesus that they hoped would, centuries later, incite disunity within the Church during “some sort of a Church council, and hopefully, help secure a possible future nomination of an heir.”

“[Catholics] are attracted to reason, to Thomistic thought and, God forbid one day, even to the belief that matters ought to be handled by the lowest centralized competent authority possible, meaning, not our heir. Could you even imagine if, say in a few hundred years a new country was begun, built upon the basic rights of citizens and the separation of Church and State, whereby no one, including political candidates, could discriminate against any particular religion? Screwtape forbid,” wrote John Podesta’s ancestor Robert Podesta in a leaked letter written in 1539, in reference to conservative Catholics.

“I imagine they think the Church is the most socially acceptable politically conservative religion,” Robert Podesta continued. “But imagine if we began a ‘society’ so strong and faithful to the Magisterium in the beginning of their formation, and perhaps a little longer, that Catholics would feel so guilty and maybe even blasphemous if they ever disagreed with one of its members or said anything ill of the order? Then hundreds of years down the road many of the members of this ‘society’  would all of a sudden no longer be attracted to Thomistic thought and, well come to think of it, any thought at all.”

“Excellent point,” Hillary Clinton descendant Jonathan Rodham responded. “They can throw around ‘wisdom’ and ‘discernment’ and sound sophisticated because no one knows what the hell they’re talking about.”

Another letter from Rodham called the Church a medieval dictatorship, calling for a “Catholic spring,” against the teachings of the Bible and virtually everything that is written by any news source unless they are called the National Catholic Reporter.

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3 Responses to PopeWatch: It Would Explain a Lot

  • funny.

    Catholic Spring!
    Paradoxically St.Pope JPII did speak of a new Springtime for the Catholic Church. It’s on its way. Not the “Catholic Spring,” however.
    Hillary Clinton is in need of a heart transplant.
    Heart and soul.

  • Remember, only Republican Catholics are bad. Or, perhaps, only Republican Catholics are real Catholics.

  • @ Michael Dowd.

    You just described who we are, the Deplorables. Real Catholics.

    The masquerade ball is winding down.

    Soon the party ends.
    Soon the goat’s and the sheep will go to their respective eternal homes.

    Soon each camp will be rewarded for what they did and taught others to do.
    Soon the Battle Hymn of the Republic will sound from pole to pole.

    “…His Truth is Marching On!”

PopeWatch: Checkmate

Saturday, October 8, AD 2016

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Society of St. Pius X chess grandmaster Larcel Mafebvre has turned four of his pieces into bishops without approval from the World Chess Federation, officials have confirmed.

“Mr. Mafebvre has, without approval from the Federation, created bishops out of pawn pieces,” said World Chess Federation head Antonio Salamanca. “After speaking with Mr. Mafebvre regarding abiding by the new chess rules, wherein players are given the freedom to concelebrate the match, and to say the words of ‘checkmate’ in the vernacular, he has sadly decided to ignore our requests.”

Salamanca went on to tell reporters that Mafebvre had automatically incurred excheckommunication because of his disobedience.

“I must do what is in my conscience to preserve the dignity of the game,”  Mafebvre told EOTT in an exclusive interview. “Therefore, I have decided to consecrate four of my pieces into bishops to help my depleted side, for, from some Fischer, the smoke of Satan has entered the chessboard of God.”

At press time, one time follower of Larcel Mafebvre’s, Bavid Dawden, told EOTT that he has decided to become head of the World Chess Federation, though he only has three pawns to play with.

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5 Responses to PopeWatch: Checkmate

  • St. Pope JPII. How I miss him.
    His quote, recalling to mind the character, Mongo! “Mongo only pawn..in game of Life.”

    God help all those Mongo’s.
    Some have been raised to Bishop status you say?….Nooooo Way!

  • I can’t say I understand this or how it relates to the pope. As far as internet Catholic news, views, opinions and credibility about the Vatican, I have to say I see very little.

  • fxavier.

    The site, Eye of the Tiber, is satirical.
    On Saturdays, for a lighter note, The American Catholic draws out one spoof from EOTT.

  • Recently I have been doing much research and reading about Pope St.Pius X and the history and letters from cardinals concerning the documents of Vatican II, and on the liberalisation – read ‘protestantistion’ – of the One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church.
    This has been becoming more and more obvious in my diocese in Godzone, and in the Archdiocese in Wellington headed up by Cdl. John Dew. This week, in our parish, they have suggested – from the pulpit – that next years Sacrament of Confirmation may be conducted in the Anglican Church a few hundred yards from our own St. Mary Immaculate Church, which will be available anyway, and this has the approval of our Bp. Steve Lowe.
    I will be protesting in the strongest terms that this profanation of a Sacrament be resisted.
    Thank God we have the FSSPX in New Zealand, and I have been talking to them, along with on of our diocesan priests. They may soon have a deacon in their ranks.

  • Don the Kiwi.

    Not that it truly matters…but…what was the reasoning for this “invitation” to be confirmed in the Anglican Church next year.

    Are there so many that need to be confirmed that St. Mary Immaculate Church needs the room? ( enter sarcasm )
    In all seriousness.. I’m with you!
    Explain to the Bishop your dismay and possible move to FSSPX!