PopeWatch: Checkmate

Saturday, April 8, AD 2017

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Society of St. Pius X chess grandmaster Larcel Mafebvre has turned four of his pieces into bishops without approval from the World Chess Federation, officials have confirmed.

“Mr. Mafebvre has, without approval from the Federation, created bishops out of pawn pieces,” said World Chess Federation head Antonio Salamanca. “After speaking with Mr. Mafebvre regarding abiding by the new chess rules, wherein players are given the freedom to concelebrate the match, and to say the words of ‘checkmate’ in the vernacular, he has sadly decided to ignore our requests.”

Salamanca went on to tell reporters that Mafebvre had automatically incurred excheckommunication because of his disobedience.

“I must do what is in my conscience to preserve the dignity of the game,”  Mafebvre told EOTT in an exclusive interview. “Therefore, I have decided to consecrate four of my pieces into bishops to help my depleted side, for, from some Fischer, the smoke of Satan has entered the chessboard of God.”

At press time, one time follower of Larcel Mafebvre’s, Bavid Dawden, told EOTT that he has decided to become head of the World Chess Federation, though he only has three pawns to play with.

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PopeWatch: Diplomatic Jesus

Saturday, April 1, AD 2017

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Cincinnati, OH––Catholic book publisher and distributer St. Clare Press announced today that their new non-confrontational translation of the Bible will be released sometime this September. St. Clare executive Roger Hammond told the press this week that he hopes the new translation helps to appease the minds of critics that have long called the Bible violent and judgmental. “It took close to a decade to complete this ambitious translation, and we’re confident it’ll help people better understand the all-encompassing compassion contained within the scriptures. Hammond goes on to explain one of the most riveting scenes in the New Testament where Jesus, after having overturned the tables of the money changers, goes back to help clean up, apologizing profusely as he does so. Another scene in which the compassion and kindness of Jesus shines forth is Matthew 16:23 where, after having been asked by Peter to not enter Jerusalem and eventually into the hands of the Pharisees, Jesus asks Peter to “hold that thought for a moment,” before addressing Satan; “Satan, if you wouldn’t moving just a tad bit behind me? I’d really like to get this little point across to Peter. I feel so rude asking you this, but…I mean don’t go out of your way or anything…” Hammond went on to tell reporters that the project has become a kind of therapy for all those involved in the project. One employee of St. Clare Press, Beverly Tomas, said that seeing Christ in a new, more tender, and compassionate way helped her get over years of abuse she suffered by “strict and judgmental nuns.” “I remember sitting back just a year ago and reading a newly translated verse in which the old Christ would’ve said something like “Woe to you, Pharisees, you hypocrites,” but now he gently places a hand on the shoulder of a Pharisee, pleadingly, and says,”Come on guys…I was gonna call you a whited-washed sepulchers, but honestly, I don’t think you’re a bad person…I just think maybe you’re hurting,” and lightly tapping the Pharisee on the chest, Jesus said unto him, “Hey, guy…you wanna know what I think? I think you’re hurting inside…hurting right there in that big ol’ heart of yours. Is that’s why you’re acting like this? Wanna talk about it?”

 

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One Response to PopeWatch: Diplomatic Jesus

  • I like the new interpretation where Jesus is telling the woman at the well; “Hey it’s okay….One, four, FIVE husband’s..It doesn’t matter…As long as your happy.”

    Happiness and good well water.
    What else is there?

PopeWatch: Leaving on a Jet Plane

Saturday, March 25, AD 2017

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Roman Curia officials pulled out all the stops this year to celebrate the 4th anniversary of Pope Francis’ accession to the Throne of St. Peter after scrounging together a few hundred Euro to surprise him with an unforgettable one-way ticket to his native Buenos Aires.

“He’s been working so hard lately, we thought he could use an extended, indefinite getaway,” said Msgr. Giuseppe Bernardo, an attaché attached to the Papal Household. “Plus it’s a 14-hour flight…ample time for several meandering in-flight press scrums.”

“He’s going to love this!” honorary prelate Anotonio Vada said, trying to contain his excitement. “We even had his boarding pass printed on poster-board like those giant ceremonial checks diocesan bishops are so fond of.”

 

At press time, the Curia was preparing to clean the universal Church while the boss was away.

“He left behind a pretty big mess,” an unnamed Cardinal prefect whispered.  “This may take a century or more.  Some of the stains might never come out.”

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4 Responses to PopeWatch: Leaving on a Jet Plane

PopeWatch: Bugged

Saturday, March 18, AD 2017

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The Vatican has refused to say whether an apology was in the works after eavesdropping allegations were made by Francis last week against his predecessor.

Pope Francis’ claim that his confessional was wiretapped by Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI has yet to be supported by evidence, but the Pontiff isn’t ready to apologize for the accusation just yet.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Director of the Holy See Press Office Greg Burke told reporters on Friday when asked if Francis would apologize to Pope Benedict if his allegations were debunked. “I think it’s important to see where this goes, and I don’t want to prejudge the investigation at this time.”

Pope Francis has alleged in a number of tweets last Saturday that Benedict had let Vatican officials conduct surveillance on his Buenos Aires confessional before becoming pope.

“Terrible! Just found out that Benedict had my ‘wires tapped’ in San Roberto Bellarmino Church In Buenos Aires just before my papal victory. Nothing found!”

 

Go here to read the comments.  PopeWatch attempted to contact the Vatican for comment, but when his phone began to make odd sounds like a Bulgarian singing a Gregorian chant backwards, PopeWatch hastily ended the call.

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3 Responses to PopeWatch: Bugged

  • Believe it or not, Fr. Raymond de Souza actually took this seriously. He took to Facebook warning people that this was fake news. A Catholic media figure who is too ignorant to realize EOTT is satire. Now there’s a real hoot for you. Sad too, when you think about it.

  • The international C.H.A.O.S. group is behind the wiretap. They were behind the Crow drone in the infamous Peace Dove attack at the Vatican a few years ago;
    https://youtu.be/QTj0xs6t8z8

    CHAOS is; Catholics Honoring Another Oracle than holy Spirit.

    This movement is catching on and some believe woman Priest’s​ will be the next big development since the election of its first Pope.

  • Fr. de Souza was right to spell it out. I knew several who thought Dan Brown’s “Da Vinci Code” was non-fiction.

PopeWatch: Pope Burke

Saturday, March 4, AD 2017

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

In an epic mistake that drew gasps from Catholics and non-Catholics around the world yesterday, Cardinal Protodeacon Jean-Louis Tauran recently announced that he mistakenly named Jorge Mario Bergoglio as pope at the 2013 Papal Conclave, when in reality it was Cardinal Raymond Burke that won the top prize.

The newly-elected Pope Francis was saying some random thing that would have made many Catholics scratching their heads when the interjection came that Burke had in fact been elected pope.

“I want to tell you what happened,” Tauran told press gathered at the Vatican yesterday. “I opened the envelope, and it said ‘Jorge Mario Bergoglio, La La Church.’”

“Burke,” the story of a white, Catholic, conservative man had already won best supporting cardinal for Making Things Look A Little Less Out Of Control.

“Very clearly, even in my prayers this could not be true,” Burke told those gathered in St. Peter’s Square. “But to hell with it, I’m done with it, because this is true. Oh my goodness.”

It was not immediately clear how the mistake was made, though EOTT tweeted out a photo that showed that the envelope in Tauran’s hand reading “Best Bishop Of A Diocese That Is Not The Diocese of Rome.”

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3 Responses to PopeWatch: Pope Burke

  • An American Pope. How extraordinary. An orthodox Pope. How orthodox.

  • I saw this picture some time ago, and actually sent a printed copy to the good cardinal in Rome. He very graciously replied to my accompanying note, but didn’t mention the photo for some reason.

  • “Red Hatter’s Matter!”-Author unknown..thank goodness.

    Vatican Cards.
    Sort of like poker, sheepshead and Euchre rolled into one.

    Example: I see your bluff, I’ll raise you five and trade my Pope for three of your Cardinals. Oh, and Cardinal Burke is wild.
    Trump is well..trump, and everybody gets a hors d’oeuvre.

    You can’t win. The deck is stacked.

PopeWatch: Clown Masses

Saturday, February 4, AD 2017

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Reports out of Cincinnati, Ohio today suggest sightings of Creepy Clown Masses are on the rise nationwide, and at levels not seen since the introduction of the 3rd typical edition of the Roman Missal five years ago.

While anecdotes abounded in the 1990’s, most Catholics had never seen a Creepy Clown Mass themselves until recently.

“I was ascending the side altar for my morning Latin Mass when I suddenly heard a calliope playing ‘All Are Welcome’ for a procession of creepy clowns in the nave,” said Monsignor Adrian Fitch. “They wouldn’t leave until I let them present the gifts. Another time I felt this hand on my shoulder and, at first, I thought it was just crazy ol’ Sister Ann [Provincial of the Congregation of Pant-Suited Pantomimes] extending her hand again for the Consecration, but nope, it was a freakin’ creepy clown with a chalice in one hand and a machete in the other.”

While some are calling the phenomenon a natural response to calls for more inclusive and diverse faith communities, others are calling it a publicity stunt for the upcoming Vigil of All Saints Day.  A growing minority, however, are attributing it to the circus atmosphere of the current Pontificate.

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2 Responses to PopeWatch: Clown Masses

  • I did notice a Franciscan once wearing about a size 17 pair of floppy sandals, but alas, I admit to being neglectful in not reporting him to the Chancery .
    Also, if we do spot a clown ready to have a Mass, are we required to accommodate him?

  • Don L.

    Hummm. My small PIETA prayer booklet, so old it’s held together by tape,glue and luck, states; Never attack a priest. Clowns masquerading as priests are fair game. Priest masquerading as clowns preparing to celebrate Holy Mass….Well they need prayer and twist on the ear lobe. Sr. Agnes style.

PopeWatch: Tramp Stamp

Saturday, January 21, AD 2017

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

According to several reports out today, the Vatican will be issuing lower back tattoos to Catholics in honor of German priest and protestant reformer Martin Luther this October.

Although Martin Luther was declared a heretic and excommunicated in 1521, Vatican officials have reportedly sent letters to all Catholics that are “able and willing” to visit Rome for the “official issuing of the ecclesiastical tramp stamp.”

“We believe that Martin Luther, though deemed a heretic by the antiquated Catholic Church, is deserving of recognition for being a witness to the gospel,” said Vatican Tramp Stamp official Eduardo Rosalini. “Also because we want people to like us. No matter whether it’s our fault or not. We do as Christ did in the Scriptures when he apologized to Pontius Pilate, blaming hypocritical members of the Sanhedrin for driving [Pilate] away from a potential conversion to Judaism.”

Rosalini went on to say that, although Catholics will not be eligible for indulgences for getting the tramp stamp due to Luther’s stance on the issue, they will, nevertheless, be compensated with salvation “no matter what sins they commit after the getting the tattoo.”

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8 Responses to PopeWatch: Tramp Stamp

  • Whoa, it looks like a “move over Che” moment has arrived.

  • Tattoo’s..?

    Wait for the ecclesiastical piercings!

    The crucifix hammer and sickle is charming. It will make great nose hardware for Lent. Sort of a mortification of the flesh.

  • In remembering that Henry V111 made himself the Head of the Church in England about 1535, and other nefarious happenings during that Century, satan might have uttered, as the Century clicked over,
    ‘One small step for Lucifer…one Giant step for evil’s kind.’ Timothy R.

  • But what about the women and the men who say they are women? Can they not have the tat where Madonna is having her protest tat done?

  • I was one of the Police Officers assigned to play bodyguard to Madonna when she was here filming the movie “A League of their Own”. To say that I was unimpressed with her, would be an understatement. TR.

  • My guess is that Madonna had sold her soul out years ago..1978 – 80.
    Her popularity and misuse of Catholic names, the Sacredness of our identity as a Holy Church as well as wearing rosaries while behaving like a woman possessed..this for fame and fortune.

    She will understand the question; What profit a man if he gains the whole world but looses his soul in the process?

    Micheal Jackson comes to mind.

    Pure implosion.
    I’m surprised Madonna hasn’t self destructed yet.

    God have Mercy.

  • Philip…I am more concerned with all of the young girls that she SCANDALIZED ! Jesus said that for anyone who scandalizes a child, “It would be better for them to have a great millstone hung around their neck and thrown into the Ocean” ! TR.

  • Instead of correcting the faults of the clergy, Martin Luther destroyed the faith of the people, depriving the people of the Truth of the Catholic faith. Luther excommunicated himself. Not even the Pope can live his free will for Luther. What is bound in heaven cannot be unbound on earth by the Vicar of Christ, nor ought it be loosed. Luther tramped out of the Church of his own free will and Francis cannot change that… not even with a Tramp Stamp.

PopeWatch: Safe Spaces

Saturday, December 10, AD 2016

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops met in Baltimore yesterday to discuss churches in the United States providing “safe spaces” from hostile Catholic teachings, such as abortion and same-sex marriage.

Bishops at the assembly said that serving Catholics that are emotionally distraught by certain Church teachings is “part of our identity as Catholics,’’ and pledged to provide safe spaces in every church in America.

‘‘We stand ready to work with frustrated Catholics and to provide them with safe spaces within churches where they may go during homilies that are hostile in nature,” bishops said. “Our duty as shepherds is to lead our flock not only to the good news of Jesus Christ, but also to the well of refuge from insensitive, unsympathetic, and judgmental teachings. That well ought to be within a cry room, which shall remain being called ‘cry rooms,’ as all are welcome to express their feelings, either by outrage or outright crying, within these rooms without feeling threatened by the glare of impolitically correct, rigid parishioners. I propose that these adult cry rooms should be specifically designed for emotional adults so that they may participate and partake in the Mass while being acoustically sealed off, so that they may not hear whatever is being spewed out of the mouth of an insensitive priest.”

 

The bishops went on to pledge that they will work to ease doctrinal rhetoric in churches, saying that “just like any other work place, a church is not an appropriate place to discuss politics or religion.”

At press time, bishops are voting on whether to grant a dispensation to Catholics who are still emotionally unsettled by Trump’s presidential victory from having to attend Mass until he is out of office.

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5 Responses to PopeWatch: Safe Spaces

PopeWatch: Rigid Moses

Saturday, December 3, AD 2016

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber

 

Pope Francis on Monday warned against the excessive rigidity of the Ten Commandments and said “God gives us the freedom to search our own conscience for commandments.”

“I always try to understand what’s behind people who are too young to have seen Moses walk down from Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments, and yet still they want to obey them,” Francis said. “Sometimes I find myself confronted with a very legalistic person who follows the Commandments and I ask myself, ‘Why so much rigidity?’ This rigidity in following the Commandments always hides something, insecurity or even something else.”

Pope Francis went on to say that, “Behind an attitude of always feeling like you must follow the rigidity of the Commandments there is something else in the life of a person. The Commandments are not a gift of God. The Beatitudes are because they are not a list of rules that stiffen us and make us rigid; they make us feel good.”

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14 Responses to PopeWatch: Rigid Moses

  • Following in the footsteps of rigid Moses comes Springfield Illinois Bishop;
    http://www.courageouspriest.com/bishop-paprocki-sets-record-straight

    If anything, PF has successfully muddied the water and created doubt. The great news is that we have bishop’s and priest’s who are worthy to their calling. They will not be called “least in the kingdom of Heaven.” Others are currently seeking that position and by their ambiguity are securing it. Poor souls.

    Thanks Bishop Paprocki.
    God bless you.

  • My sources tell me Pope Francis has been pacing the halls of Casa Sancte Marthae mumbling “Hestonus anathema sit.”

  • Perfect….and Maggie Sullivan in comments typed an amazingly long list of Francis’ name calling…..of Catholics…not of ISIS….of Catholics. Parenthetically, ISIS has been sniper shooting small children in Mosul. PBS interviewed 2 USA medics who have tended hundreds of children with bullet entries…many died after help as in the case of a girl crying on the operating table who later died. No one in Heaven will cry if such ISIS scum enter hell very soon.

  • Perhaps Pope Francis would have this in mind.

  • I’ll bet the they don’t yet realize that they’ve Photo-shopped the original Ten Commandments tablet and blurred the writing, so that now everyone can see what they want in them. There also is a casting of them in rubber to provide more flexibility to solve that rigidity issue.
    The entire intent of all this was to reduce the stress on the limited number of pastors who have been flooded with requests from second and third marriage ex-parishioners to retrain them about this conscience thing.

  • Isaiah 33:22

    (Responsorial for today’s Mass;)

    “The LORD is our Judge, our Lawgiver, our King; He it is who will save us.”

    Thanks be To God.

    Please pray for Pope Francis.
    Not necessarily his intentions, but as a wise commentor mentioned, for God’s intention in his life.

  • Bill Bannon’s comment is heart wrenching. Does the Pope care at all? Or is it all the fault of Western gringo capitalist arms dealers? God save us from this Argentinian heretic!

  • I’m prone to explaining contraception as breaking the 1st commandment in offense to God, breaking the 5th commandment as an act against life, breaking the 7th commandment in stealing pleasure but not acting in accordance with what God has Designed, and leading to breaking the 6th and 9th commandments personally and in Society.

    I do this not because I’m “rigid”, but to help Everyone avoid the sin of contraception.
    This Pope is a moron.

  • Most folks are going to find Pope Francis ‘wet noodle morality’ most merciful and not see that it is the work of the devil. This is due to 50 years of ‘wet noodle doctrine’ where sin has evaporated and everyone goes to heaven. Let us call for divine intervention and the courage to speak out against these diabolical outrages.

  • @ Michael Dowd.

    Agreed. Personally, I had difficulty with separating the Chair of Peter from the fallible man who occupies said chair. Respect for the office, in this pontificate, us different than respect for the man. I took me longer than most to finally come to that truth.

  • is…not us.. excuse my typo.

  • Wait a minute! This is Eye of the Tiber…satire, right? Right????

  • To Kmbold: Satire yes, but also the truth.

PopeWatch: Instruction Manual

Saturday, November 19, AD 2016

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Telling the press today that instructions of Pope Francis’ IKEA gift to them had numerous inconsistencies, four cardinals wrote a letter to him asking that he “resolve the uncertainties and bring clarity to the instruction manual for the armchair.”

“We the undersigned, but also many bishops and priests, ask that you provide the correct interpretation to page three of the IKEA instructions for your AMÖRIS Armchair gift,” the cardinals wrote.

They went on to add that “both theologians and scholars have proposed interpretations” of how to put the armchair together, especially its third and fourth pages, “which contradict one another.”

“Compelled by our pastoral frustrations over this hastily written instruction pamphlet, and desiring to put this chair together once and for all, that faithful visitors may sit upon it, we, with profound respect, ask you, Holy Father, as Supreme Teacher of Construction, called to confirm his brothers in the build, to resolve the uncertainties and to bring clarity to these vague images of nuts, bolts, and other material that we cannot distinguish.”

A foreword to the letter states that the main issue regarding the instruction manual is that the legs of the armchair shown in the instructions in page five were not included in the box, giving the chair “no legs to stand on.”

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2 Responses to PopeWatch: Instruction Manual

  • My instruction manual says the item of concern was made in Argentina and not Rome as advertised. Furthermore it is refurbished and not OEM.

  • The dangers of outsourcing.

    The instructions were originally organized and placed into a formal manual, however the outsourcing of said manual via Germany and Argentina lead to discrepancies and ambiguous interpretations due to a lavender material that was incorrectly used to print the instructions on. Big mistake that.
    Everyone knows weak lavender can never be used for print. It’s mushy and practically impossible for the Word to adhere correctly. To correctly construct the armchair without overlooking any important steps one might be prudent by sticking to the original text on sturdy paper.

    Outsourcing costs jobs too.
    Just ask Cardinal Burke.

PopeWatch: Saint Luthor

Saturday, November 5, AD 2016

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

In a press conference aboard the papal plane this morning, Pope Francis confirmed reports that he would be investigating the life and works of 16th century “reformer” Martin Luther, stating that it was better late than never in “the Church’s eternal quest for ecumenism.”

On October 15, Pope Francis welcomed a number of Lutherans from Iceland, Norway, Sweden, and Germany to his residence in the Vatican, and called Martin Luther a brave Christian who was trying his best to reform a financially corrupt Church, which automatically makes the person a saint in the Church’s eyes.

Francis also said that the pivotal character in the Protestant Reformation was in heaven, noting that “all Christians that fight against greed are saints.”

“From here on, paintings and statues of Martin Luther are welcome in all churches around the world, because he is blessed,” Francis told those gathered. “Christians who suffer ridicule today because they, in essence, overturn the tables of the money changers extend a reflection of Martin Luther’s courage and bravery.”

Francis went on to state that it was his hope that by this time next year, all members of the Catholic Church would be reciting the entire Ninety-five Thesis just after the Nicene Creed during Mass, and that the next Jubilee would commence by his walking through the “Holy Door” of All Saints’ Church in Wittenberg where the Ninety-five Thesis was first posted.

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3 Responses to PopeWatch: Saint Luthor

  • Luthor – Luther – Lucifer – whatever…..

  • Lex Luthor is Superman’s enemy…an evil bald genius. I only match him on the bald part.
    Luther should have been seized by Charles V, dragged to Spain and put on trial by the Inqusition. They would have put his keester in its place. Bad ideas come from Germany….Luther, Freud, Marx, Hitler (yeah, I know he was Austrian).

    On an unrelated note, it is a shame that Charles V was not able to come to the aid of Mary Tudor, his cousin. Charles V’ mother was Juana (Juana La Loca/ Juana the Crazy), daughter of Queen isabel of Spain. Mary Tudor’s mother was Catalina of Aragon, youngest daughter of Queen Isabel.

  • To Spain: Cards Marx and Kasper. Soon in a plane, yes I know never plain, planned impropmtu press conference: Pre-Death Papal Self-Canonization. Check it out, it’s in the penumbras of John’s Gospel and the shadows of the “epistle of joy” to the Phillippians. And no more rabbit-like love, St. Margaret Sanger coming to a parish near you. Guy McClung

PopeWatch: Successor

Saturday, October 22, AD 2016

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

The Vatican announced this week that Chicago Archbishop Blase Cupich has been selected to be Pope Francis’ successor after the 79-year-old pontiff hits the age of retirement next year.

Cupich told worshipers yesterday that he was “so very grateful and humbled by the news that he would be given the opportunity to wreak havoc upon the Church while wearing white.”

Cupich, 67, will receive his “white hat” in Rome on December 18, 2017, the day after Pope Francis turns 80. Cupich’s succession to the papacy also means he will have his choice of who will succeed him in the future.

“I would have to say as I reflect on it, while I’m pleased with this, I don’t feel any different,” Cupich told EOTT shortly after the news broke. “Joking, I feel pretty awesome and superior to everyone else. In a way, I’ve always felt like that, but now I’ll have more control to do as I wish with the Church, if that makes sense.”

Though this is the first time a pope has named a successor, it was no surprise to many that Cupich’s name was the one chosen on Sunday. Just last year, Francis picked Cupich to participate in a meeting to discuss how to better confuse the living crap out of people when it comes to the Church’s teachings on marriage, contraception, divorce and homosexuality.

Francis also named Cupich to the Congregation for Bishops, a Vatican panel that helps prevent orthodox and conservative bishop candidates from being elevated.

“Francis was looking for a doppelganger, someone who shares his mission, his message and his practices,” a Vatican representative told EOTT. “He found him in Chicago.”

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PopeWatch: It Would Explain a Lot

Saturday, October 15, AD 2016

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

A new series of emails released yesterday by WikiLeaks connected to its dump of John Podesta’s server show that ancestors to presidential nominee Hillary Clinton attempted to sabotage the Catholic Church by creating the Society of Jesus hundreds of years prior to her nomination.

The emails in question discuss Clinton’s and Podesta’s lineage back to the 1540’s when family ancestors schemed to undermine the Church by beginning the famed Society of Jesus that they hoped would, centuries later, incite disunity within the Church during “some sort of a Church council, and hopefully, help secure a possible future nomination of an heir.”

“[Catholics] are attracted to reason, to Thomistic thought and, God forbid one day, even to the belief that matters ought to be handled by the lowest centralized competent authority possible, meaning, not our heir. Could you even imagine if, say in a few hundred years a new country was begun, built upon the basic rights of citizens and the separation of Church and State, whereby no one, including political candidates, could discriminate against any particular religion? Screwtape forbid,” wrote John Podesta’s ancestor Robert Podesta in a leaked letter written in 1539, in reference to conservative Catholics.

“I imagine they think the Church is the most socially acceptable politically conservative religion,” Robert Podesta continued. “But imagine if we began a ‘society’ so strong and faithful to the Magisterium in the beginning of their formation, and perhaps a little longer, that Catholics would feel so guilty and maybe even blasphemous if they ever disagreed with one of its members or said anything ill of the order? Then hundreds of years down the road many of the members of this ‘society’  would all of a sudden no longer be attracted to Thomistic thought and, well come to think of it, any thought at all.”

“Excellent point,” Hillary Clinton descendant Jonathan Rodham responded. “They can throw around ‘wisdom’ and ‘discernment’ and sound sophisticated because no one knows what the hell they’re talking about.”

Another letter from Rodham called the Church a medieval dictatorship, calling for a “Catholic spring,” against the teachings of the Bible and virtually everything that is written by any news source unless they are called the National Catholic Reporter.

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3 Responses to PopeWatch: It Would Explain a Lot

  • funny.

    Catholic Spring!
    Paradoxically St.Pope JPII did speak of a new Springtime for the Catholic Church. It’s on its way. Not the “Catholic Spring,” however.
    Hillary Clinton is in need of a heart transplant.
    Heart and soul.

  • Remember, only Republican Catholics are bad. Or, perhaps, only Republican Catholics are real Catholics.

  • @ Michael Dowd.

    You just described who we are, the Deplorables. Real Catholics.

    The masquerade ball is winding down.

    Soon the party ends.
    Soon the goat’s and the sheep will go to their respective eternal homes.

    Soon each camp will be rewarded for what they did and taught others to do.
    Soon the Battle Hymn of the Republic will sound from pole to pole.

    “…His Truth is Marching On!”

PopeWatch: Checkmate

Saturday, October 8, AD 2016

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Society of St. Pius X chess grandmaster Larcel Mafebvre has turned four of his pieces into bishops without approval from the World Chess Federation, officials have confirmed.

“Mr. Mafebvre has, without approval from the Federation, created bishops out of pawn pieces,” said World Chess Federation head Antonio Salamanca. “After speaking with Mr. Mafebvre regarding abiding by the new chess rules, wherein players are given the freedom to concelebrate the match, and to say the words of ‘checkmate’ in the vernacular, he has sadly decided to ignore our requests.”

Salamanca went on to tell reporters that Mafebvre had automatically incurred excheckommunication because of his disobedience.

“I must do what is in my conscience to preserve the dignity of the game,”  Mafebvre told EOTT in an exclusive interview. “Therefore, I have decided to consecrate four of my pieces into bishops to help my depleted side, for, from some Fischer, the smoke of Satan has entered the chessboard of God.”

At press time, one time follower of Larcel Mafebvre’s, Bavid Dawden, told EOTT that he has decided to become head of the World Chess Federation, though he only has three pawns to play with.

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5 Responses to PopeWatch: Checkmate

  • St. Pope JPII. How I miss him.
    His quote, recalling to mind the character, Mongo! “Mongo only pawn..in game of Life.”

    God help all those Mongo’s.
    Some have been raised to Bishop status you say?….Nooooo Way!

  • I can’t say I understand this or how it relates to the pope. As far as internet Catholic news, views, opinions and credibility about the Vatican, I have to say I see very little.

  • fxavier.

    The site, Eye of the Tiber, is satirical.
    On Saturdays, for a lighter note, The American Catholic draws out one spoof from EOTT.

  • Recently I have been doing much research and reading about Pope St.Pius X and the history and letters from cardinals concerning the documents of Vatican II, and on the liberalisation – read ‘protestantistion’ – of the One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church.
    This has been becoming more and more obvious in my diocese in Godzone, and in the Archdiocese in Wellington headed up by Cdl. John Dew. This week, in our parish, they have suggested – from the pulpit – that next years Sacrament of Confirmation may be conducted in the Anglican Church a few hundred yards from our own St. Mary Immaculate Church, which will be available anyway, and this has the approval of our Bp. Steve Lowe.
    I will be protesting in the strongest terms that this profanation of a Sacrament be resisted.
    Thank God we have the FSSPX in New Zealand, and I have been talking to them, along with on of our diocesan priests. They may soon have a deacon in their ranks.

  • Don the Kiwi.

    Not that it truly matters…but…what was the reasoning for this “invitation” to be confirmed in the Anglican Church next year.

    Are there so many that need to be confirmed that St. Mary Immaculate Church needs the room? ( enter sarcasm )
    In all seriousness.. I’m with you!
    Explain to the Bishop your dismay and possible move to FSSPX!

PopeWatch: Catfished

Saturday, September 24, AD 2016

 

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Social media users are very much used to dealing with phony accounts, and Catholics in the world of Facebook and Twitter are no exception to the rule.

Pope Benedict “broke the internet” this week after admitting to using the Twitter handle “ThisCatholicPope” in order to carry on the persona of a 79-year-old pope named “Francis.”

“The fact that a pope started a Twitter account just so he could retire and still have power to hold the Catholic faithful in the palm of his hand is deplorable,” local catfished Catholic Brenda Summers told EOTT. “By doing this, he made fools of both the right and the left in the Church. He made conservatives long for his authority and wisdom, and he kept liberals at bay by writing a bunch of crap about the environment.”

After being confronted by EOTT, Benedict explained his actions and apologized outright.

“It was never anything personal. At the time, I was being really selfish…I wanted to pray and study without having to deal with the gay mafia in the Vatican. That’s the best excuse I have,” Benedict said, before adding, “Francis is someone who knows how to deal with the politics in the Church and the world. He’s my inner-popular Peter. Everyone loves him. No one ever loved me before Francis. No one ever awarded me TIME’s Person of the Year. I was just the old german who was once a member of the Hitler Youth.”

At press time, Pope Benedict is asking the Catholic faithful to forgive him and to just love him for who he is…on the inside.

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One Response to PopeWatch: Catfished

PopeWatch: Gringo Mass

Saturday, September 17, AD 2016

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Despite efforts to figure whether they were in a Catholic or Protestant service, local parishioners were left baffled after an “animated” man wearing vestments put on a head mic and began pacing back and forth as he delivered his sermon.

“The man looked like a priest and I was quite certain I was in a Catholic Church,” said longtime parishioner Joyce Parlin who had no clue as to what the hell was going on. “But he kept pacing back and forth, ending each statement with a ‘can I get an amen?’ No one was exactly sure what he was asking for. I overheard one gentleman respond, ‘yes, I suppose,’ but the priest or pastor or whatever he was kept desperately asking if he could get more amens.”

Parlin went on to add that the priest or pastor or whatever the heck he was continually used words like “fellowship” and “ministry” during his sermon, words, Parlin admitted, she had never heard before.

“He also used the phrase ‘saved by the Blood of the Lamb,’ which I suppose is some sort of Christian take on the TV show ‘Saved by the Bell.’ Hell, I don’t know.”

At press time, the band has begun singing praise a worship as beach balls are being thrown to and fro, confirming that the event is a Life Teen Mass.

Go here to read the comments.  PopeWatch was about to call the Vatican for comment when he received a call from the Pope.  The Pope got quickly to the point. 

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8 Responses to PopeWatch: Gringo Mass

  • “Then PopeWatch woke up.”

    In a rubber room sporting an “I love me.” jacket. Because one would have to be crazy to even dream that Pope Francis would put Cardinal Burke in charge of anything important.

  • Cardinal Burke for Pope. Oh to hear him ex communicate Tim Kaine, Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden and all the rest.

  • In our Faith Community, aka Catholic Church, the focus is on something called
    ‘Stewardship as Our Way of Life’ which encompasses Hospitality, Prayer, Formation, and Service. Our Mission is to be the Heart and Hands of Christ. We have over 100 active ministries. Our Rector, trained in the theology of Karl Rahner, is very enthused about parishioner involvement in Stewardship. There is something about the whole thing that troubles me but can’t quite articulate it. One point to be noted is that participation in the religious aspects of being a Catholic are seldom mentioned or non-existent, i.e., confession, adoration, holy hour, holiness, etc. I would appreciate any comments.

  • Mr. Dowd,

    http://www.servelec.net/mothertheresa.htm
    Maybe this will help you see what’s lacking.

    We are not called to be social workers. We are called to do everything for the Lord. Not because we are so good for doing it. Because we are nothing and He is everything. And if we so not sanctify our work, I’d we do not so it For the Lord, and to His Will, then it is not the Good He wishes it to be.

  • Thanks Alice. You are correct. What’s lacking in the Church was withdrawn after Vatican II. We need to practice the religious aspects of our religion.

  • This reminds me of the time I visited my oldest and best friend by then retired and living down south. Sunday morning we drove to the nearest, and they are few and far between down south, for Mass. The edifice appeared as plain as a dentist office. My friend cleverly quipped, “This is a Catholic church cleverly disguised as a Protestant church”.

  • My parish is one of those dual language/dual culture English-Spanish parishes. The Spanish-language masses I’ve attended are just as irreverent in their own way. I think our present and immediately past parish priests, for whom Spanish is their mother tongue, are/were deeply embarrassed by that. I also believe that embarrassment inhibited them when they could have made needful corrections to the parish’s English language masses.

  • re: Micha Elyi’s comment

    “Gringo Mass” indeed !!! Racists…

    I hadn’t thought about this for awhile since I haven’t been to a Spanish Mass for a long time… There tended to be a lot of little kids crawling around, running around, making noise, etc. at espanol misa. People also used to eat at Mass too, and I don’t think it was just little kids eating cheerios. Sure, the priests — gringo and otherwise — try to correct it. Also I hate to say it, but years ago I was at a weekday evening Mass which was geared toward trying to get the teens to Mass before youth group. When I went up to Communion I noticed a hispanic female youth who had stuff in her hands as she went up for Communion. I think it was a pack of cheese crackers and something else. She was given Communion in the hand anyway. I watched her. She received the Host in her hands but instead of putting It in her mouth, she took it back to her seat at the rear of the church where she was sitting with friend(s). She just sat there and I knew she still had the Host. I motioned for her to put It in her mouth which she did. I hope she swallowed it. I later informed the deacon after Mass. Maybe I should have asked for the Host to be given to me since she didn’t seem adequately prepared to receive it. I was kind of shook up at the time. I don’t know if she was ignorant, or had some other more nefarious plan in mind. Some years ago, another area parish had a problem with hosts being stolen and sold for evil purposes. (I don’t know the identity or race of the people who did it.) To this day the parish has lay people posted to watch you when you receive Communion. It’s like you’re guilty before being proven innocent…

PopeWatch: Plague

Saturday, September 10, AD 2016

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

In an effort to combat what is being called a “fast-moving and highly contagious disease,” officials at the Diocese of San Diego announced today that they will begin spraying for orthodoxy this month.

Diocesan spiritual health officials will spray parts of San Diego after several individuals tested positive for orthodoxy last month.

One San Diego resident recently returned from a one week retreat at a Benedictine monastery where orthodoxy is known to be active. The individual developed symptoms before returning home.

The case was confirmed after testing at the San Diego County Public Spiritual Health Laboratory came back positive.

When diocese Orthodoxy Control inspectors visited the individual’s home, they found a breviary and books by Pope Benedict XVI nearby.

“If Benedict’s books were exposed to others living nearby, they could spread the orthodoxy,” said Janette Durante, Deputy Director of Doctrinal Laxity. “It’s very important for Catholics to inspect in and around their parishes and to toss out anything that comes even close to resembling proper catechesis.”

This Sunday, spiritual officials plan to go door-to-door leaving notifications for Catholics to inform them of where the spraying will occur.

To minimize your exposure to the “anti-ortho” spray, diocesan officials recommend staying inside, closing bibles and catechisms, and covering up crucifixes, although a standard cross without the corpse or a resurrexifix is fine to keep out.

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One Response to PopeWatch: Plague

  • Just consider the consequences if ever the contagion made it’s way to the Vatican.
    Pope Francis, infected!
    Ohhh….the sanctity of it all.
    That…thhat.. would mean no formal Papal acknowledgement of the Reformation on its anniversary….aaa…and and no more videos on the dome of St.Peters….I don’t know if I could handle it all… just to much to even consider.