Not My Paws Only But All of Me!

Saturday, April 8, AD 2017

 

 

Larry D at Acts of the Apostasy brings us this news:

 

ROME – Reports from the Vatican indicate that Pope Francis has scheduled a stop at a local animal shelter to wash the paws of 12 dogs on Holy Thursday, after washing inmates’ feet at an Italian prison.

Church officials told the AoftheA News Vatican Bureau that Pope Francis is excited to visit the dogs spending the Easter holiday at the shelter, and extend this act of mercy towards them. It’s unsure if he will wash all four paws, or just their front paws.

“His Holiness feels that dogs deserve to be treated this way, as it’s quite evident that Jesus had a soft spot in his heart for dogs,” one official said, speaking under condition of anonymity. “You see in scripture how dogs cared for Lazarus by licking his sores, showing that they lived their Christian faith better than others at that time. You see how the Canaanite woman changed Jesus’ mind when she said ‘even dogs eat scraps that fall from their master’s table’. Plus, it wasn’t that long ago that Pope Francis declared that dogs indeed go to heaven, so it’s entirely appropriate to being Christ, and bringing Christ, to them.”

Another official said the Holy Father believes Christ’s mercy is available to every living thing, including those with mange, hip dysplasia, or worms. “Jesus didn’t come for the healthy, but for the sick. His Holiness reminds us, though, to be wary of those ridden with fleas, for if you lie with them, you will certainly rise with them and be infested.”

Animal activists are pleased with the Holy Father’s plans, and that he will be raising animal rights awareness. Amanda Hugginkhyss, director of “Animals Are People Too”, said it’s a strong sign Pope Francis is making the Catholic Church a more inclusive place. “Is what he’s doing perfect? No, but it’s a start, and like all progressive initiatives, all we hope for is a crack through which we can infiltrate, and then start making our demands for animal rights in the church.”

When asked why cats housed at the shelter aren’t included, one official told AoftheA News: “Cats are evil, that’s why.”

He also confirmed that Pope Francis’ favorite movie is “All Dogs Go To Heaven”, but wasn’t all that impressed with the sequel.

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9 Responses to Not My Paws Only But All of Me!

  • Please tell me this is a late April Fools joke. Or an Eye of the Tiber gotcha.

  • LarryD does humorous pieces Elizabeth. Doesn’t it speak volumes about this ponticate that one could imagine this as as being a straight news story?

  • Yes, it sure does. I woke up this morning and thought of my comment of yesterday and started feeling a bit foolish that I even considered that this was for real. Strange times indeed.
    Is that site, Acts of the Apostasy, kind of like The Onion or Eye of the Tiber then? I’ve heard of it but never looked at it.

  • Does that raccoon have any nukes? If so would that complicate the feet washing?

  • “Is that site, Acts of the Apostasy, kind of like The Onion or Eye of the Tiber then? I’ve heard of it but never looked at it.”

    LarryD is a faithful Catholic and a good writer, along with a delicious sense of humor.

  • Funny bit… the “Animals are people too,” is sadly a social justice mantra being absorbed by progressives who refuse to respect the unborn human life but gladly bemoan the abuses of dogs or cats that are “suffering.”
    I like pets however to give them a status above the sacredness of unborn human life is pathetic. A sure sign of a culture without a clue. A blackened and stained culture.

  • The Pope has decided to cancel the foot washing ceremony at the pound, citing fears of getting bit in the ass from a rabid dog-ma.

  • However, Pope Francis has agreed to administer last rites to a Self-Absorbed Promethean Neopelagian pooch that is scheduled to be put down that day.

  • Greg Mockeridge.

    The pooch in question was caught “breeding like rabbits,” and didn’t heed his Holiness command to “practice responsible parenthood.”

    Hence the decision to put the pooch down.

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I Resemble That Remark

Thursday, April 6, AD 2017

 

 

From LarryD at Acts of the Apostasy:

 

Horace MacTaverson, long time parishioner at Our Lady of Special Occasions, told AoftheA News this morning that he’s mighty unhappy it’s likely he won’t get to park in his regular spot this Easter.

“First row, next to the last handicap space,” he growled. “8:30 Mass, every Sunday mornin’, for the past thirty-one years.” Horace stared off into the distance and noisily clicked his partial upper plate. “Except on Easter. And that one time it snowed so hard I couldn’t make it up the drive, but that don’t count none.”

He narrowed his eyes. “Those dang Chreasters, showin’ up two times a year, actin’ like they own the place, parkin’ wherever they dang well feel like it,” he grumbled. “No respect, I tell ya. No respect!”

Horace ran his weathered hand through his sparse hair. “This is gonna mess up my mornin’ schedule. Instead of arrivin’ at ten minutes past the hour like always, I hafta get here at ten minutes before the hour, and even that’s no guar-own-tee my spot won’t be taken!”

His jaw clenched. “Just thinkin’ about this is gettin’ my goat. My whole Sunday mornin’ routine is gonna get screwed up. I hope Father says sumthin’ about this in his sermon, give these Chreasters the ol’ what for. Downright rude, coming to Easter Mass and makin’ me park somewhere else. But he’ll prob’bly just talk about love, and peace, and other stuff like that.”

Horace wagged his index finger. “And don’t get me started about my seat being taken neither! Third row, on the aisle, behind the Pattersons.” His shoulders shook with a violent quiver. “God, Easter is the worst.”

 

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3 Responses to I Resemble That Remark

  • Even though a Protestant my father attended Mass on his own when he travelled in the Air Force; invited missionaries to our quarters when stationed overseas, in fact, had many priest friends; and insisted that my brother and I attend Catholic school. After every Sunday Mass at St. Thomas More we’d be sitting in traffic which would trigger his tangent about the “so-called Christians in the parking lot.” He couldn’t understand how Catholics could receive Christ at Mass and then afterwards be so rude exiting the parking lot. He always said it was a factor in delaying his conversion. He joined the church at age 55. Died at age 90. We all still miss him 13 years later.

  • This is why I almost always park on the street when I go to Mass.

  • Eye contact seems to be a big plus… or having small children that delay you half an hour getting out.

    Hey, I think I figured out why the “donuts after mass” thing started!
    (We always go on Saturday if possible, but the effect is the same.)

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Nap Time

Thursday, March 30, AD 2017

 

From LarryD at Acts of the Apostasy:

 

SLEEPY HOLLOW – Three-year-old Remy Nodderson took full advantage of the gospel at Sunday’s Mass, as the priest read the long form rather than omitting the bracketed sections, allowing him to get what he called “the best nap I’ve had in weeks”.

“I was all prepared to throw a Category 6 tantrum,” Remy told AoftheA News. “It welled up inside me during the Responsorial Psalm, and I felt it cresting during the second reading. But when Father went long form for the Gospel? It was lights out, baby.”

Remy’s nap on the cushioned, soft-as-a-cloud pew bench, his head supported by his dad’s comfortably weathered leather jacket, lasted until the Sign of Peace, when his older sister Corma stepped on his face as she reached out to hug her mother.

“Yeah, if she hadn’t shoved her Florsheim up my nose, I would’ve slumbered like a baby through Holy Communion, nestled safely against daddy’s shoulder. I thought about screaming like a stuck pig for maybe half a second, but damn, that nap was soooo good. I really couldn’t care less.”

Remy yawned, stretched his little limbs, and cracked his knuckles. “Sure, my parents are grateful now. Wait til it’s 2 in the morning, and they’re still trying to make me go to bed.”

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4 Responses to Nap Time

  • I love Pope Benedict XVI, napping and awake.

  • That 27 hour visit to Malta occurred in April 2010. His Holiness’ catnap on the altar was not mentioned by the Times of Malta. The real news on that trip was that Benedict arranged a prayerful meeting with victims of clerical abuse, and that he praised citizens of Malta for their devotions to the faith. Abortion and divorce are illegal in Malta and he praised the citizens for their continued respect for life and marriage . Pope Benedict will 90 years old April 16th. Who knows what meds he was or is prescribed that might induce drowsiness.
    He needs our prayers even in retirement.

  • Thanks for the link, Don!

  • Thanks Larry for giving me a smile so many times with your articles!

Cry Rooms and Blogging

Friday, March 24, AD 2017

 

 

I make a point of stopping by Acts of the Apostasy a few times a week.  Here is a sample of why I do so:

 

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CHEYENNE – As Catholic Mommy blogger Courtney Kitchener-McGavin held her slightly irritable two-year old daughter Jayden during Sunday’s 11:00 AM Mass, she mentally drafted a white-hot post condemning the parishioners around her who were perturbed she didn’t take her daughter to the crying room.

“These people are gonna get it,” she hissed, her nostrils flared and eyes narrowed to mere slits of seething anger. “Tomorrow’s blog post is going to absolutely rip these people a new one. How dare they look at me with disapproval and a judgmental attitude? Don’t they know who I am?”

Courtney’s blog, “Stressed, Blest, and Breast is Best”, is one of the most widely read Catholic mommy blogs on the Internet, with tens of thousands of followers and subscribers.

“I get a million page views a month, so I have cred,” she said, her shoulders visibly shaking with rage. “These people are going to be sorry. So is the priest! The way he glanced at me when Jayden whimpered a couple times during his homily? I know what he was thinking, and frankly, I’m not going to take it.”

Courtney jotted snarky remarks and clever criticisms on an unused collection envelope during the Prayers for the Faithful, nodding approvingly with her choice selection of apt descriptors and moderate alliterations.

“Ooh, I really like the way that sounds,” she cooed, like Cruella de Vil taunting a helpless Dalmatian pup, her lips forming a self-satisfied smirk. “This is gonna be soooo good. This will go viral.”

In a rare move, Courtney bustled Jayden and her husband Roddy out of the church immediately following Holy Communion.

“I need to get home and post this right away, while it’s fresh. If there are two things I’ve learned about Catholic blogging, it’s one, write while the emotions are high and the fury is raging. And two, follow up humble apology posts are really, really popular.”

 

 

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20 Responses to Cry Rooms and Blogging

  • “Suffer the little children to come to me.” Courtney is obliged to stay at Mass until the priest says “Ita Missa Est.” The Mass is over and the final blessing. I attended a Mass where the people and priest all flocked to the crying babe to soothe him. People behave as though the infant does not belong to the community of faith…too much priesthood of the laity and not enough Samaritan.

  • Mary,
    I’m just over 50 and have four “kids” ranging from 16 to 23. When my kids were under 4, if they acted up at ANY point during the Mass, we left the nave so as not to disturb others and the Mass in general. I’ve been told, by my parents, that it was quite common for one parent to stay at home with a disruptive or sick child and when the other parent returned home from Mass the other parent would then attend a later Mass. It all seems rather do able and should NOT be all about ME.

  • The cry room is a courtesy for neighbor.
    What an act of mercy it becomes for parents to excuse themselves when the need arises.

    What an act of selfishness it is otherwise.

    Corporal works of mercy going on, “what you did for the least of my brother, you did for me.” Years ago I witnessed a priest stop his homily and ask very politely for the parents to utilize the cry room. The high pitched crying became the focus unfortunately, but it drowned out the message from the ambo. The parents complied without hesitation.

    The priest blessed them and child as they made their way to the room.

    Some priest’s, Fr. Larry Richards, disagree’s with that approach. He stops and wait’s for a break in the the outbursts, smiles, and continues on. I heard him speak on this topic less than a month ago on Catholic radio.

    Who’s right? I’d go with common courtesy.

  • This reminds me of the post about virtue signaling 🙂 So much judgment all around…judging the judgers.
    Personally I am never bothered by little kids, or senile people who mutter or talk aloud. I am bothered by sermons waay to often. Also I need to be more copacetic about the music.
    A side benefit of wearing a crocheted triangle for a head covering– serves as blinkers when I look down– head bowed.

  • John F. Kennedy: I have five children and I removed myself and them when they got cranky. And we went back for a later Mass. After awhile, they realized that to be still is good and they were little angels, but this was before crying rooms. It is important to bring the children to Mass. At Mass children develop their abstract thinking and their transcendent souls, the metaphysical self. Abstract thinking is indispensable in the business world and in the eternal world. I do encourage all parents with children to being them to Mass and make visits to explain the Real Presence, the saints and the rites. Magnificent.

  • Philip Nachazel: Sometime the children, especially infants, are aware of the devil’s presence at Mass and therefore they scream. Prayers to exorcise the devil will calm the children. Father Larry Richards knows this, I bet.

  • It’s a whole lot easier on parents and other parishioners not to take the little kids to Mass. My wife and I, with 11 kids, went to different Masses.

  • Kids are “graced” at Mass – so much of the wonderful work done by God through their angels is unseen and undetected but still may bear fruit in their lives.
    I wish they wouldn’t usher children out for “children’s liturgy” during the reading of the Gospel.
    Maybe part of why kids are so undereducated when they graduate today- ( and vocabulary in general seems to be shrinking) – We don’t expect them to be able to listen and learn. I don’t think my grandkids are brighter than everyone else’s- but I know they can listen and learn.

  • I love having someplace to hide when one of the kids gets going– the Duchess can get into a frenzy that is way beyond a priest’s ability to talk over her, and I’d be horrified and mortified if folks stopped focusing on Christ to rush over and fuss over my fussy kid! (Not to mention that’s usually what sets the Duchess off….)

  • I go with common courtesy. When I was growing up, most parents with young children, that is under 3 or 4, went to separate masses so as not to disturb. It is not just the crying, but everything else that is done that is so disruptive. Mass has become a picnic, with drinks and snacks and books and toys. The parents of these children are focused on the children, not on Mass. On several occasions in the last few months, I have seen 2 different mothers put a cover over their shoulder to breath feed an infant, while sitting in the first or second row. To me this is putting the focus on the wrong place. some courtesy to those around you is just common sense.

  • What a reminder of why we became Byzantine Catholic! Children are full members of the church, it’s their birthright to be there and receive the Eucharist. You think it’s selfish to bring children to church, selfish to nurse them when they’re hungry? Shame on you, and the next generation won’t be Catholic if everybody followed your rules. Christ said the kingdom belongs to such as they. You need to be more like them to be holy, not the other way around. There’s somebody here who’s selfish and it’s not the sweet families who are working very hard to raise children in the faith.

  • A old & wise priest noted, “Nor hearing a infant in Church, is a dying Church”.

  • I closed up our “Cry Room” years ago. I’ve told people that children need to be at Mass with their parents and if a child cries it just means that they are going to some day lead the choir. The people have responded well. I also tell them “If your child needs to be taken out for a diaper change or a little walk we understand that. Go ahead and do it, if you want. But come right back in and anyone who gives you a dirty look will get a free “grouchy face” sticker from me personally! It’s gotten to the point where I can say “Ah, we have a lot of children here this morning! I hope I can get them all to sing together!” We’ve turned the situation into a joyful celebration of “Children are welcome!” Now, if they could just get ME to stop making so much noise! LOL

  • Reminds me of a story by Archbishop Sheen. A baby started to cry, during one of the Archbishop’s sermons, and as the mother got up to leave, Archbishop Sheen saw her, and said, “Please don’t leave, he’s not bothering me.” The mother replied, “No Archbishop, your bothering him!”

  • Abby.
    No one is saying, STAY AWAY.

    Please use common sense.

    Is that bad?

    If you can’t because of the circumstances…Your a single mom and have three others in tow, the eldest is 7 and can’t properly take on the responsibility of the other two… Okay.
    Stay there of course.

    If you are able to utilize the cry room and the baby isn’t receiving the help of the good angel’s, but the devils are having a ball with her, then get up.
    Excuse yourself.
    Be polite.
    Be sympathetic to those around you.

    Why should a priest have to compete with a toddler and an obstinate mother who chooses to wait out the spell, regardless of the other worshipping parishioners.

    I guess I just don’t get it.
    Oh well.
    Thanks for your oppression on us.

  • Brian, GRAT story! I’d never heard that one before.

  • I don’t recall our sons as infants crying in church. When they were toddlers they were very, very active. My husband was at sea during most of that period and I found the nursery or the crying room to be helpful.
    I could concentrate on the Mass and the boys were not annoying/distracting others. Except on two occasions: at the younger son’s baptism the older one escaped from my mother’s grip and rang the bells on the altar; once in a packed crying room when I was listening intently to a good homily, suddenly the priest”s lips were moving but there was no sound. My 3 year old was no longer in the room. I rapidly crossed the hall to another room and saw my little fellow at the controls of the sound system. Praying that I would select the right button I restored the sound. Why is it children from an early age always know how to operate electronic devices?
    I am still amazed at the parents who do not correct or remove their misbehaving children from the church during services. It is particularly bad at the Spanish language Mass at my small church with young children walking up and down the aisles, and transversing past the altar at the Consecration with the “aren’t I cute” look on their faces. I think to myself, “No you are not cute and where is your mother or father?”. After one Spanish Mass I was in the church kitchen readying after Mass snacks when the priest came in. I said to father that he had a good crowd at the service. He said, “Good? No, there were screamers and running down the aisle!” I laughed and said, ” I meant a good number in attendance.” He was from a big family and liked children but at Mass he was reverent and took great care in delivering his sermon in Spanish.
    Catholic school and parents teach their children the proper respect to be shown during the Mass. The occasional sermon on rubrics of reception of Communion and decorum/dress is helpful for all ages.
    Yes, there are adults who loudly talk either before or during the service. I wish I could say they are senile which would be more understandable, but they are not hard of hearing or senile. The after Mass Coffee is the time to catch up or in the vestibule.
    I’m a proponent of breast feeding but not on the front rows of the church – some babies nurse loudly and a few mothers have a defiant agenda wherein they don’t care if it makes men uncomfortable, they are going to do it as conspicuously as possible and wherever they please.

  • Well, apparently this parody is less of a broad, general parody than I thought… ran into some “to heck with you if you can’t focus on Christ over the sounds God designed to get attention” stuff in circles I’m pretty sure are closer to the author’s.
    Ugh.

  • Foxfier.

    Funny thing. We are to take distractions and pray through them. The clicking of teeth from the fellow on the left. The mumbler on the right. It’s part of a penance we do.

    The “heck with you,” attitude is incredible.

  • I worship in a parish of the Ordinariate of the Chair of St Peter (Google it) and our congregation is about 60% minor children, thanks be to God. I myself am a senior and unmarried, and each time one of our littlest makes him/herself known AS A MEMBER OF THE CONGREGATION I rejoice to think: In another place, you could have been aborted.

Quick! Someone Get Warren Beatty Up Here!

Monday, February 27, AD 2017

 

LarryD at Acts of the Apostasy gives us a timely lesson in alternate Church history:

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(AoftheANews) – CARTHAGE, 397 AD – Confusion reigned for several moments last night during the closing ceremonies of the Council of Carthage, as presenters of the Inspired Scripture: Gospels category accidentally announced the Gospel of Thomas, along with Matthew, Luke, and John, as having won.

Members of the Gnostic community were already on stage to receive the award, when a flurry of activity behind the scenes caused confusion and delay.

“As soon as I saw acolytes and presbyters scurrying around, passing scrolls to one another, with panicked looks on their faces, I knew something was amiss,” one Gnostic said. “I had this feeling they were keeping secret knowledge from us, and I became concerned.”

Moments later, amidst cries of “Heresy!” and “Anathema sit!” from the stunned crowd, a council official announced that the Gospel of Thomas was mistakenly announced as being inspired and canonical, saying that the winner was the Gospel of Mark. The news was greeted with thunderous applause and cheers.

The Gnostic community was understandably upset. “Sure, Mark’s been a de facto Gospel for a couple centuries, but we thought we had a legit shot at this council. Yeah, we fell short in 251, 256, and 345, but we felt really confident. Maybe 411 will be our year.”

 

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9 Responses to Quick! Someone Get Warren Beatty Up Here!

  • Acts of the Apostasy has a slight error. They would have had codices on this stage, not scrolls. Christians of this time were at the cutting edge of media technology. Sorry LarryD.

  • The Russians Hacked The Oscars. It Was not her Fault.

  • “The Gnostic community was understandably upset.”

    It’s poetic justice.
    For two hours or so, the Gnostics ripped apart at the leadership of our nation. A jab here, a protest there and throughout the evening the self made God’s and Goddesses applauded themselves as the creme de la creme, sweetness beyond all sweetness and holiness beyond all holiness. There’s is a vocation that resembles the zenith of Truth and thus they expect the respect from the lowly ones who don’t share a “life to live,” because they are not ACTOR’s. They, the insolent, can’t possibly understand the creative genius and brilliant talent that towers over all vocations ever imagined. There’s is a magic kingdom. To illustrate this point they took commoners from the street and paraded them at the feet of the Gnostics of high art. Stunned and kissing the hands of the glamorous, they shuffled off…stage left.

    One hundred years ago it was said; “He who laughs, lasts”-1917 Nov. 3rd W.E. Nesom (Perverted Proverbs)

    At the Grand Finale of Hollywood’s Holy Grail we see the botched and bewildered.
    The fools, Kings and Queens all, provide the best ending…A TRiUMPant ending..proving that he who laughs last, laughs best!

  • Nobody beats Abbess Dolores Hart, but nobody.

  • It is interesting that after trashing Trump they ended up looking like chumps.

  • Recalls what Mgr Ronald Knox said of our forefathers:

    “They were content MARK, MATTHEW, LUKE & JOHN
    Should bless th’old-fashion’d Beds they lay upon :
    But we, for ev’ry one of theirs, have two,
    And trust the Watchfulness of blessed Q.”

  • @ Mary De Voe.

    Great story!
    She slipped by my radar.
    Thanks for the introduction.
    A true star if ever there was one.

    Incase I wasn’t the only one with limited radar; http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2105662/Dolores-Hart-Elvis-Presleys-flame-turned-Hollywood-live-convent.html

  • Thank you for the link, Philip. Saw Dolores Hart at the Oscars that night and I loved her immediately.

  • As one whose education and avocation is history, I would just note that although a number of texts were considered for inclusion in the bible, some did not make it simply because they did not have tradition and authentication on their provenance. Many of them contain matters worthy of consideration. The objective of this article is well taken but to regard all non-included texts to be without value would be to carry the matter a bit too far.

Tim Kaine’s Guardian Angel Quits

Tuesday, September 20, AD 2016

 

 

At The American Catholic we are dedicated to giving you up to date news on the election campaign.  Thus we have this report from Acts of the Apostasy:

(AoftheANews) NEW YORK – The guardian angel for Democrat Vice-Presidential candidate Tim Kaine told AoftheA News that he is quitting the Clinton campaign, and has announced his endorsement of Donald Trump.

“I’ve had it with him. Completely had it,” the angelic messenger said, relentlessly puffing on a Marlboro. “I haven’t slept in days. He’s driving me nuts. His comments on so-called same-sex marriage over the weekend were the final straw. He really thinks the Church will someday change its position. Sure, he was taught by Jesuits, but he oughtta know better.”

The bedraggled, unshaven divine host of heaven went on. “I probably should have done this when Hillary selected him, but I had hope, you know? Turns out I was just fooling myself.”

He explained that his endorsement of Trump was merely an attempt to get Kaine’s attention. “I’m hoping it’s a wake-up call,” he said, pouring himself a glass of Jack Daniels. “Shock him a bit. Once he hears I want to ‘make America great again’, he’ll come to his senses. Maybe. I’m so beyond frustrated.”

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Larry D Summarizes His Experiences at Patheos

Wednesday, February 3, AD 2016

Trek 1

 

 

Trek 2

Trek 3

 

Larry D, who blogs at Acts of the Apostasy, one of the most intentionally funny Catholic websites not named Eye of the Tiber, summarizes in Trek Speak his parting of the ways with Patheos, or, as he calls it, The Blorg.  Go here to read all about it.  When it comes to Patheos, Catholic bloggers need the spirit of Commander Eddington:

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