Quick! Someone Get Warren Beatty Up Here!

Monday, February 27, AD 2017

 

LarryD at Acts of the Apostasy gives us a timely lesson in alternate Church history:

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(AoftheANews) – CARTHAGE, 397 AD – Confusion reigned for several moments last night during the closing ceremonies of the Council of Carthage, as presenters of the Inspired Scripture: Gospels category accidentally announced the Gospel of Thomas, along with Matthew, Luke, and John, as having won.

Members of the Gnostic community were already on stage to receive the award, when a flurry of activity behind the scenes caused confusion and delay.

“As soon as I saw acolytes and presbyters scurrying around, passing scrolls to one another, with panicked looks on their faces, I knew something was amiss,” one Gnostic said. “I had this feeling they were keeping secret knowledge from us, and I became concerned.”

Moments later, amidst cries of “Heresy!” and “Anathema sit!” from the stunned crowd, a council official announced that the Gospel of Thomas was mistakenly announced as being inspired and canonical, saying that the winner was the Gospel of Mark. The news was greeted with thunderous applause and cheers.

The Gnostic community was understandably upset. “Sure, Mark’s been a de facto Gospel for a couple centuries, but we thought we had a legit shot at this council. Yeah, we fell short in 251, 256, and 345, but we felt really confident. Maybe 411 will be our year.”

 

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9 Responses to Quick! Someone Get Warren Beatty Up Here!

  • Acts of the Apostasy has a slight error. They would have had codices on this stage, not scrolls. Christians of this time were at the cutting edge of media technology. Sorry LarryD.

  • The Russians Hacked The Oscars. It Was not her Fault.

  • “The Gnostic community was understandably upset.”

    It’s poetic justice.
    For two hours or so, the Gnostics ripped apart at the leadership of our nation. A jab here, a protest there and throughout the evening the self made God’s and Goddesses applauded themselves as the creme de la creme, sweetness beyond all sweetness and holiness beyond all holiness. There’s is a vocation that resembles the zenith of Truth and thus they expect the respect from the lowly ones who don’t share a “life to live,” because they are not ACTOR’s. They, the insolent, can’t possibly understand the creative genius and brilliant talent that towers over all vocations ever imagined. There’s is a magic kingdom. To illustrate this point they took commoners from the street and paraded them at the feet of the Gnostics of high art. Stunned and kissing the hands of the glamorous, they shuffled off…stage left.

    One hundred years ago it was said; “He who laughs, lasts”-1917 Nov. 3rd W.E. Nesom (Perverted Proverbs)

    At the Grand Finale of Hollywood’s Holy Grail we see the botched and bewildered.
    The fools, Kings and Queens all, provide the best ending…A TRiUMPant ending..proving that he who laughs last, laughs best!

  • Nobody beats Abbess Dolores Hart, but nobody.

  • It is interesting that after trashing Trump they ended up looking like chumps.

  • Recalls what Mgr Ronald Knox said of our forefathers:

    “They were content MARK, MATTHEW, LUKE & JOHN
    Should bless th’old-fashion’d Beds they lay upon :
    But we, for ev’ry one of theirs, have two,
    And trust the Watchfulness of blessed Q.”

  • @ Mary De Voe.

    Great story!
    She slipped by my radar.
    Thanks for the introduction.
    A true star if ever there was one.

    Incase I wasn’t the only one with limited radar; http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2105662/Dolores-Hart-Elvis-Presleys-flame-turned-Hollywood-live-convent.html

  • Thank you for the link, Philip. Saw Dolores Hart at the Oscars that night and I loved her immediately.

  • As one whose education and avocation is history, I would just note that although a number of texts were considered for inclusion in the bible, some did not make it simply because they did not have tradition and authentication on their provenance. Many of them contain matters worthy of consideration. The objective of this article is well taken but to regard all non-included texts to be without value would be to carry the matter a bit too far.

Tim Kaine’s Guardian Angel Quits

Tuesday, September 20, AD 2016

 

 

At The American Catholic we are dedicated to giving you up to date news on the election campaign.  Thus we have this report from Acts of the Apostasy:

(AoftheANews) NEW YORK – The guardian angel for Democrat Vice-Presidential candidate Tim Kaine told AoftheA News that he is quitting the Clinton campaign, and has announced his endorsement of Donald Trump.

“I’ve had it with him. Completely had it,” the angelic messenger said, relentlessly puffing on a Marlboro. “I haven’t slept in days. He’s driving me nuts. His comments on so-called same-sex marriage over the weekend were the final straw. He really thinks the Church will someday change its position. Sure, he was taught by Jesuits, but he oughtta know better.”

The bedraggled, unshaven divine host of heaven went on. “I probably should have done this when Hillary selected him, but I had hope, you know? Turns out I was just fooling myself.”

He explained that his endorsement of Trump was merely an attempt to get Kaine’s attention. “I’m hoping it’s a wake-up call,” he said, pouring himself a glass of Jack Daniels. “Shock him a bit. Once he hears I want to ‘make America great again’, he’ll come to his senses. Maybe. I’m so beyond frustrated.”

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Larry D Summarizes His Experiences at Patheos

Wednesday, February 3, AD 2016

Trek 1

 

 

Trek 2

Trek 3

 

Larry D, who blogs at Acts of the Apostasy, one of the most intentionally funny Catholic websites not named Eye of the Tiber, summarizes in Trek Speak his parting of the ways with Patheos, or, as he calls it, The Blorg.  Go here to read all about it.  When it comes to Patheos, Catholic bloggers need the spirit of Commander Eddington:

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