Countess Isabella Von Zeppelin through her attorney and medium Gloria “no spectral ambulance should go unchased” Allred, today accused former President Theodore Roosevelt of groping her. Through unearthly sobs, the spirt of the Countess wailed, “It was while he was a student in Germany. He asked me if I wanted to see his collection of stuffed animals. Always having an interest in taxidermy I followed him into his room. While I was admiring a stuffed owl, the American swine had the effrontery of tapping me on the shoulder to direct my attention to a stuffed raven. I off course fled the room in tears. I have remained silent for well over a century with this shame and I now had to speak out.”
Ms. Allred then challenged Congress to conduct a séance to bring President Roosevelt back from the dead to face ex post facto impeachment. Repeated requests for comment from the former President have gone unanswered.