From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:
Uber has announced plans to begin offering Mass deliveries beginning early next year.
Attempting to expand beyond the borders of ridesharing and food delivery, Uber will launch its UberMass service in Grand Rapids, Michigan before expanding to other cities later in the year.
According to listings on a number of job recruiting websites, UberMass is advertising for a number of “priest jobs” not only ranging from saying Mass, but to hearing confessions and giving last rites, showing that the company is serious about reaching everyone “where they’re at.”
“There’s a lot of momentum in the organization behind UberMass, and we think the market is ripe for Mass delivery,” said UberMass general manager Simon Patel at a launch event in New York on Wednesday. “As numbers has proven, Mass attendance have been plummeting for some time now. We think that can be fixed. Catholics will simply go to the app, order a priest, and one will be dropped off to them. Easy as that, they fulfil their Sunday obligation.”
Patel said that for an extra charge, UberMass customers will also be able to purchase add-ons such as a guitarist to play hymns during the Mass, a friendly usher to greet them in their own home, as well as a sick parishioner to come and sit directly next to them on the couch.
Uber is also considering a UberMassShare option which would be cheaper, and would allow others around the neighborhood to join in the Mass and to split the cost.
“All this will be available to our customers so that they no longer need to leave the comfort of their homes to experience the beauty of Mass. Depending on the success of our new venture, we’re also considering UberConfession as well as UberXtremeUnction.”
The Vatican has declined to either admit or deny whether Uber will also deliver crying babies, texting teenagers and parishioners who fall asleep during the homily to participate in the UberMass. With that, PopeWatch will be on Independence Day hiatus until July 5, 2017.