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Noah: A Review

 

 

 

Well, I finally got around to seeing Noah.  We picked up a $9.00 Blu-ray copy at a Black Friday special, and I think I was overcharged at least $8.99.  Follow me below the fold for why I think this is one grand buzzard of a flick.  The usual caveats regarding spoilers apply:

First, it should be noted that this film and the Noah story in the Old Testament have as much in common as apples and rock salt.  I knew that going in, so I was not surprised by this, but people who see the film expecting any similarity between this story and the Noah of the Bible are in for a vast disappointment.  The film is filled with extra-Biblical characters including Fallen angel rock creatures, taken from the Book of Enoch.  They seem to have been inserted solely to give Noah a rock creature army to aid in fighting off the evil foes who attempt to take over the Ark.  Sad to say, but seeing these stone “Ents” battling the attacking hordes was probably the most interesting part of this dog’s breakfast of a film.

Russell Crowe plays Noah stone faced and sullen.  The film is completely devoid of humor, as opposed to a much better retelling of Noah in the 1965 film The Bible In the Beginning with John Huston, the director of the film, playing a whimsical Noah:

 

 

 

The sins that cause God to destroy mankind are a usual twenty-first century liberal laundry list:  militarism, industrialization, (Yeah, the Bible and History were both thrown out the window at the outset.), eating meat and, above all, harming what should be a pristine ecology.  Noah is a man on a mission from God:  to wipe out mankind entirely, so in the new Eden after the flood there can be no new Adam and Eve.  Thus his three sons can have no wives, except for Shem whose wife is barren.  Well, she was barren until grandpa Methuselah, Anthony Hopkins in what should be, if there were any justice in the world, a career destroying role, blesses her and makes her fertile.  She promptly, and I mean promptly, runs off and has sex with Shem.  When Noah finds out that she is now carrying a stowaway, he decrees that she can keep the child if it is a boy.  However, if it is a girl who might grow up to be a wife to another of his sons, the baby must die.  This of course leads up the big scene in the movie where Noah is unable to slice and dice his twin granddaughters, and spares them.  Hurrah!  Humanity is saved!  Noah’s fallen angel buds, who explode in bursts of light when they “die” in battle and return to Heaven, provide the rainbow.

This dismal dog’s breakfast of a film is a boring and lifeless version of what is one of the most exciting passages of the Old Testament.  I am unsurprised that it was a financial success.  I am dismayed however that many notable Catholic film reviewers gave this stinkeroo rave reviews. Barbara Nicolosi was an exception and gave this miserable example of the film making craft a memorable review:

 

Anybody who says Christians need to see the movie to promote dialogue is being a tool. Anybody who says the movie is visionary is jumping on an Emperor has No Clothes bandwagon. Any pastor who creates a sermon to coincide with this awful piece is being played for a sucker. And the Christians who are promoting the film for money should be ASHAMED of themselves. Really, how dare you?

The people behind this film had better hope that God, among His other attributes, is not the Film Critic Supreme, because if He is, some people would likely be going to Hell over this!  (Yes, I really, really despised this waste of two hours of my life!)

 

 

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Donald R. McClarey

Cradle Catholic. Active in the pro-life movement since 1973. Father of three and happily married for 35 years. Small town lawyer and amateur historian. Former president of the board of directors of the local crisis pregnancy center for a decade.

6 Comments

  1. Whenever Noah is mentioned, I always recall a 7-year old at my convent school asking Sœur Marie-des-Anges if Joan of Arc was Noah’s daughter.

    “No,” replied the good sister, “Remember, Noah’s ark was made of wood and St Joan of Arc was Maid of Orléans” – No bad, for someone who did not have English as her mother tongue.

  2. Thank you Donald for saving me the aggravation, time, and even the needless expense my watching this non-seasonal turkey would have cost. Russell Crowe should perhaps confine his talents to the Coliseum.

  3. O Hollywood . . .

    The most recent occasion for me paying $$ to see a flick was some horror movie in June 2013. Before that it was the third LotR movie. No, wait! The warden and her sister/bro-in-law dragged (kicking and screaming) me to see “Lincoln.” Someone else paid. So, It was okay.

    However, if the movie “Unbroken” is half as good as the book, I could actually “spring” to see it.

  4. I can’t help but be resolved to the conclusion that Ridley Scott’s Exodus: Gods and Kings will be just as bad. The cynic in me asks, “How else was he able to raise the money to make this flick?”
    I hope I’m wrong, but, the track record of Hollywood pretty much makes this a safe bet. (Instead of rock people, maybe there will be bread people, who leave the manna in the desert!)

  5. Mac, my Uncle Tom (RIP) was a tanker in North Africa, Sicily and Italy – all the way up the Italian boot. He ended the war in the Po Valley Campaign.
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    I’ve read several on-line reviews that highly recommend “Fury.” I will place more faith in your review.
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    My father (RIP) picked it up in a second-hand book store. I again read a short (like a coffee table or year book) division history of the 83rd (Thunderbolt) Inf. Div. in WWII ETO published immediately after the war, and written (including pencil sketches and photos) by unit personnel. The men’s courage, perseverance and skill are on display.
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    I will mail the book to my son in the 101st.
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    “Greet them ever with grateful hearts.”

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