At Last Night’s Emergency SCHISM Meeting…

(originally posted at Acts of the Apostasy)


EXT. SWAMP – NIGHT

Moonlight streaks through moss-covered trees. In the middle of a clearing stands a black-domed structure – the secret hideout for the nefarious super-villain group SCHISM [Society of Catholycs Hellbent on Instituting Secular Modernism].

INT. SECRET HIDEOUT

People seated around a large round table in a dimly lit room. One person is standing, a scowl on his face. It’s KING KÜNG (aka Hans Küng), leader of SCHISM. With him are REESE’S PIECES (Fr Tom Reese); McBRAIN (Fr Richard McBrien);RAINBOWKID (GLBTQ androgynous-looking character); LIVE CURRANT (Fr Charles Curran); COSMIC GIRL (Sr Joan Chittister); and the SOUR PATCH KID (YouthGen member from Call-to-Action).

KING KÜNG

Ah, fellow SCHISM members, ist everyvun present? EX-cellent. I zhingk you all know vhy I have called zhis meetingk?

RAINBOWKID

You DVR’d the Grammy’s?

KING KÜNG

Vhat? Vhat’s a “Grammy”?

LIVE CURRANT (to SOUR PATCH KID)

What’s “DVR’d”?

KING KÜNG

Ach, be quiet, you dummkopf. No, not you, CURRANT, zee other dummkopf, zee RAINBOWKID. Now listen to me, all of you. Zhis morning, our nemesis, zee German Shepherd…

ALL

Hisssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!

KING KÜNG

…announced zhat he ist resigningk at zee end of zee month. A vonderful opportunity has been dropped right onto our face!

REESE’S PIECES

Lap.

KING KÜNG

Vhat?

REESE’S PIECES

The expression is “dropped into our lap”, not “dropped onto our face”.

KING KÜNG

Vhatever. Zee point ist, vee now have zee chance vee have been vaitingk for! Zee Conclave!!

SOUR PATCH KID

Du-u-u-uude! That’s so awesome! Uh….like, what’s a Conclave?

KING KÜNG

It ist vhere a new Pope ist elected. Zee eligible Cardinals cast ballots und eventually zhey pick zee next Pope zhat zee previous Pope vanted all alongt.

SOUR PATCH KID

Ohhhh. So it’s like, American Idol, right, but without the cruddy singing?

KING KÜNG

American Idol? Vas ist zhat? Never mind – do not tell me.

McBRAIN

I agree, this is a perfect opportunity. But how can we hope to influence the election? John Paul II and the German Shepherd…

ALL

Hisssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!

McBRAIN

…have stacked the Conclave. And with Matthew Clark retired, our hope for a Jadot American Pope is gone.

KING KÜNG

Qvit your vhiningk. You know, McBrain, ever since Finn wrote zhat editorial, you’ve been belly-achingk like a little schoolgirl.

McBRAIN

Well, it was hurtful. [sniffs] And unfair.

KING KÜNG

Bah! Zhen vee shall be hurtful und unfair in return. Now – I have a genius plan to overtake zee Conclave. Vhat vee need ist a mole to infiltrate zee Conclave und influence zee votingk.

SOUR PATCH KID

Ooh! Ooh! Send me, dude! They’d, like, never guess me. I’m, like, totally into costumes and stuff. Like, during the last presidential election, I dressed up like a vagina, and like, nobody knew it was me. It was AWESOME!

KING KÜNG

You know, somezhingk tells me zhat a wagina costume vould be slightly out of place, no? Now shut up und listen! Yes, Reese’s Pieces – vhat ist it?

REESE’S PIECES

Who would be the mole? You’re recognizable, McBRAIN and I break out in hives when we visit Rome, and the Swiss Guard have an outstanding warrant for LIVE CURRANT’s arrest.

LIVE CURRANT

It’s true, it’s true. Paul VI issued it after I systematically neutered Humanae Vitae. It’s something I’m quite proud of.

REESE’S PIECES

And you can’t send in SOUR PATCH KID or RAINBOWKID. They’re too young and barely speak English, let alone Latin. So who’s your mole going to be?

KING KÜNG

Isn’t it obvious? Vhy, vee send in COSMIC GIRL!

LIVE CURRANT

But she’s…female. Wouldn’t they notice that she’s…

KING KÜNG

Bah! They’ll never guess! A little haircut, a pink zucchetto, she doesn’t shave for a veek, und presto! Vee have a Cardinal.

COSMIC GIRL

My voice is deeper than some of the cardinals, too, you know.

LIVE CURRANT

But…but what if she gets elected?

KING KÜNG

Vell, zhat’s not exactly zee plan, but you say zhat like it’s a bad zhingk.

RAINBOWKID

Heh-heh-heh. She’d be Pope Joan II!

REESE’S PIECES

But there’s the consistory. She wouldn’t be invited, or on the list!

KING KÜNG

Ach, you idiots! Of course I’ve zhought of zhat! Put some glasses on her, und COSMIC GIRL is a dead ringer for Mahony. Vee kidnap Mahony, und she goes in his place. Zimple!

McBRAIN

I just remembered – she did dress up as Mahony at an NCR halloween party one year. It was perfect.

REESE’S PIECES

Okay, okay. So she gets into the Conclave. Then what? How does she influence the voting?

KING KÜNG

Vell, she has super powers, right? She hypotizes zhem vith her Cosmic Void-Speech, und zhey vill do our biddingk.

McBRAIN

Of course! That’s brilliant!

REESE’S PIECES

Are you sure that will work?

COSMIC GIRL (to REESE’S PIECES)

How do you think KING KÜNG came up with this plan?

KING KÜNG

Vhat? Vhat did you say?

COSMIC GIRL

Nothing! Nothing at all!

KING KÜNG

Vhere vas I? Oh yes! So, COSMIC GIRL hypotizes enough cardinals so zhat zee Pope vee vant gets elected.

LIVE CURRANT

And who might that be?

KING KÜNG

Vell, SCHISM members, zhat ist zee second purpose for zhis meetingk. Tonight, vee decide zee next Pope!!

[Dramatic musical score as scene fades to black]

NARRATOR

Will SCHISM’s nefarious plan come to fruition? Will COSMIC GIRL successfully infiltrate the Conclave and influence the vote? Will McBRAIN get over his hurt feelings? Will SOUR PATCH KID learn to speak properly? Tune in next time for the Part Two…

The Hermeneutic of SCHISM!!!!

[Dramatic music]

(for past exploits of SCHISM, you can read The Election Aftermath, Meanwhile, Back at SCHISM Headquarters, and Last Night At SCHISM Headquarters….)

6 Responses to At Last Night’s Emergency SCHISM Meeting…

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