Obama: We “Took Too Many Medals”

(Cross-posted at Acts of the Apostasy)

(AoftheAP) Less than 24 hours after the conclusion of the 2012 Summer Olympics, President Barack Obama announced that, while he was pleased with the sportsmanship and sense of fair play exhibited by all the U.S. athletes, he was disappointed at the level of their success.

“Let me be clear. The Olympics are so much more than mere winning and losing. I believe, and there are many who think as I do, that the Olympics are about fairness, about a cooperative spirit. I think what we as a nation ought to be asking ourselves is, what kind of country do we really want? The way I see it, and again, the way so many others around the world see it as well, is that what you have here…

“Look it, the United States took home 104 total medals. That’s more than the bottom 45 or 46 nations combined – not including those countries that didn’t even receive one medal. The United States took home 46 gold medals – that’s more than all but 3 countries’ – our good friends from China, Russia and Great Britain – total medal counts. Think about how unfair that is. For example, our country received 46 gold medals, while Germany received a total of only 44 medals – gold, silver and bronze combined. The way I see it, the U.S. took too many medals.

“So, in order to make this more fair, I’m issuing an Executive Order this morning declaring that the US Olympic Team will redistribute up to 75% of their medals to nations who received very few, or none at all. I think it’s okay that we keep some of the medals, just not all of them. And I urge our good friends from China and Russia to consider doing the same. What I’m not proposing here is unilateral dismedalment, which I’m sure my critics will accuse me of doing. I’m doing this in the spirit of cooperation and fairness, the sort of values that the Olympics, and our nation, are built upon.

“I think most people would agree, that we ‘won’ those medals because so many others ‘lost’. As proud as I am at the effort and hard work put forth by our nation’s athletes, I just have to say to them, listen – you didn’t win that. Somebody else…made that happen. And that ‘somebody else’ happens to be nearly all the other nations of the world, who just didn’t have the same opportunities, the same quality roads and bridges, which obviously did not lead to equitable outcomes. This Executive Order seeks to remedy that.”

15 Responses to Obama: We “Took Too Many Medals”

  • So funny. At first I believed it, it sounds exactly like something Obama would say.

  • “…because it’s the right thing to do.” “No, I’m not taking any questions on this…”

  • I was a couple of paragraphs into this before I figured it out. Very good imitation of the reality that is our current resident in the people’s house.

  • “At first I believed it, it sounds exactly like something Obama would say.”

    It IS something Obama would say, but this close to November, he’ll refrain.

    Godless, iniquitous, idolatrous, murderous man of sin and depravity.

  • I think “you didn’t build that” is going to echo for a good number of years before it is forgotten. Kind of like Ted Kennedy’s “Where was George?” To which everyone had responses like, “Clean, sober and with his wife!” and “Well, he wasn’t out drowning campaign aides.”

  • Obama is wrong as usual. 104 medals divided by 57 states is only 1.8 per state. That really is not more than our share.

  • You totally had me for awhile there. Too funny, but not really. It completely fits that Obama would utter that kind of stuff! Thanks for the laugh and groan.

  • “divided by 57 states” LOL

  • The sweetest words I heard these past two weeks: “Please stand for the playing of the National Anthem of the United States of America.”

  • You didn’t win that. /Obama

  • Perhaps we can institute an Olympic Medal Offset program, sort of like carbon credits. Pakistan, for example, didn’t win any medals. We could pay the Pakistani women’s swim team for not winning any medals, to compensate them for our excess medals. This would also allow them to pay for security to ward of Pakistani Taliban attacks. The Taliban is probably outraged that they did not compete in burkas. We could also compensate the Pakistani shooting team for not winning in hopes that this will keep Taliban shooting standards remain fairly low.

    In the event that we face stiff competition, we could also use the Olympic Medal Offset Program to remain competitive, by compensating a very good athlete for not winning a medal and allowing us to do so. It’s all about making sure there is balance.

  • Had me tricked for a couple of lines as well, but a good laugh.
    The US did well as it always does – a testament to the attitude and discipline of your ahtletes.
    Can’t let this go by without a little brag – 6 golds, 3 silver and 4 bronze from little ol’ NZ of 4.5 mil people – only 1 gold behind our big bro across The Ditch – Oz. :-)

  • Who knew that our first African-American President would embody the characteristics of Vonnegut’s Handicapper General.

  • Count me among the totally fooled. I read the first few paragraphs wondering if this was possibly real. It wasn’t until the paragraph about the executive order that I knew it was a parody.

  • I actually thought we missed several opportunities at earning more medals than we did.

    However, think about this:

    China’s population is a bit over one billion ( 20% of the world’s population) more than ours (approx. 315 million), and they take their athletes away from their respective families, at a young age, and train them harder than almost any other country on the planet. They strive for excellence; it is a reflection of their national ethic and culture.

    Our athletes, on the other hand, are totally free to chose to compete and are supported by their families (God bless ‘soccer moms and dads’, who sacrifice so much, personally, for their sons and daughters) as well as the financial help from the private sector.
    They also strive for excellence; it is a reflection of their national ethic and culture.

    And we have surpassed China in medals.

    The United States has always striven for excellence. We’ve been great proponents of the Olympics and have sent thousands of athletes to compete in this peaceful environment. Many of our athletes and their families have suffered great financial and emotional hardships to earn a medal. It is an affirmation of personal accomplishment, a source of national pride, a place in history, and financial gain.

    Perhaps the President would prefer us to send less talented, or half-heartedly trained, athletes to the games so we can settle for mediocrity.

    Our neighbor to the north has over 30 million people and has hosted the games several times, but they were able to only garner 1 gold, 5 silver, and 12 bronze; perhaps that should also be a fitting result for us, according to President Obama.

    No. I prefer the example of Kirani James of Grenada’s (110,000 enthusiastic souls) , who was not only a magnificent sprinter, but personally, gracious.

    Granada has a holiday called, ‘Thanksgiving’ in rememberance of President Ronald Reagan, and the invasion of October 25, 1983.

    Reagan understood achievement.

    Unfortunately, Obama’s disloyal remarks belie his political and social philosophy:Don’t do your best, so that others, less talented, can win.

    This is not what made America great.

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