Sister Patricia: On The LCWR ‘Crackdown’

(Cross-posted at Acts of the Apostasy)

(Sister Patricia Owens O’Flannery, OP, a post-modern pre-traditional omni-spiritual Dominican sister, periodically contributes to AoftheA. Today she’s been invited to offer her unique perspective on the Vatican’s recent decision on the LCWR.)

Hello, dear and gentle readers and friends of LarryD! May the warmth and vicissitude of Nature grace you with immeasurable beneficence! I have been praying for each of you every day, offering supplication that Sophia bless you and surround you with her wise wisdom, inspiring you to dance and play and immerse yourself in Her ephemeral permanence of lasting spontaneity!

You know, I’m not sure that makes a lot of sense, and if it doesn’t, please forgive me. My soul has been heavy as of late, all because of the recent announcement of the LCWR investigation. I know that many of you have been eager for my opinion and insights on this serious matter – I have felt the psychic vibrations emanating throughout the noosphere. Such confusion in your hearts, dear readers! I will try to explain and assuage your fearsome trepidations and trepidacious fears.

Before I begin, let me assure each and every one of you – the Swiss Guard have not put me or any other LCWR representative under house arrest! Those rumors are simply unfounded! We are free to travel as we wish, our passports have not been confiscated, and none of us – I repeat in the most emphatic of terms! – none of us have had our reiki stones taken away or labyrinths dismantled.

Now, as with any traumatic experience, we tend to vividly recall what we were doing at the time of the experience. For some, it was the assassination of JFK; for others, when the space shuttle Challenger exploded; and still others, when the Berlin Wall was torn down. In my own life, I vividly recall every action and emotion that coursed through me when I heard that Polly’s Polyester Pantsuit Palace in Walla Walla closed its doors, back in 1983. I had just been released from the local Catholic elementary school, and was meditating along with Chick Corea’s “The Meeting” album, and my mesquite incense infuser, when Sister Etta Loretta Loreto burst into the room, crying with the news. That was the last day I ever listened to Chick’s music. A sad sad day. The smell of mesquite still evokes a passionate tear.

But this news, hard to believe, was even sadder. I was leading a group of NCReporter editors on a pilgrimage to several Buddhist monasteries in Nepal when my 4S iphone newsfeed alarm went off (I downloaded the voice of Gloria Steinem, and she says “You’ve got fe-mail”! Isn’t that spectacular?), and I read the story with shock. The rest of the trip was ruined, as the thin atmosphere made it difficult for me to conduct any soothing breathing exercises. All I could think about, was how could this be possible? The LCWR – the prophetic voice of the world – and no one predicted this was going to happen!

Upon returning to Michigan, I orchestrated a conference call with the leadership of the LCWR to devise a strategy. Unfortunately, because of all the caterwauling and spitting fits, all we could accomplish was schedule a meeting at a future date for additional dialogue, and form subcommittees to develop a framework in order to discuss the problem. Well, that could take months before anything gets done! By that time, the Vatican might have us all in chains and forced to wash Church linens and repair vestments!

After much meditation, yoga and a few visits to the sweat lodge, I concluded that the only reason the Vatican chose this moment in time, this nexus of confluent space-time events, to make their move, is that they know for certain that the LCWR is close to breaking free from their patriarchal padlocks. The ecclesiastical clock must be mere moments from midnight, when their hierarchical hold on our charisms is loosed, and the feminine consciousness is unleashed across the cosmos. Thus, they are acting with impunity now, at this very moment, to prevent the LCWR from reaching their full potential. They have perpetrated this grave injustice, plugging their fingers into the dike of destiny.

So I have decided to combat the injustice on my own, and present my idea to the LCWR at a later date. My plan is called SOPHIA: Stop Oppressive Patriarchal Hierarchy Immediately, Alright? See, I think where my generation went wrong, is not with the post-dogmatic trans-doctrinal direction – that trend was necessary to break free of the restrictive binds of orthodoxy. And as anyone can see, it was wise of us to do so. Same with the habits and the sequestered living conditions. We were right to leave behind such traditional ways and embark upon the new path of freedom.

No, where we failed was that we should have been ministering to the rich and wealthy, instead of centering so much of our efforts on the poor and needy. You see, it’s occurred to me that what really matters is the money. Money = power, and those who have the money have the power. The poor and needy have no money – that’s why they’re poor and needy – and thus they have no power. If we had focused on the rich and wealthy like the bishops had done, then we would have had enough power to withstand this egregious assault and none of this would have happened. We would be standing upon a new dawn of dawny dawnness – rife with possibility and promise!

Therefore, I am launching the SOPHIA Institute, a daycare and education center for rich people’s children, and only the rich. If you’re poor, you’ll be of no help to me. Once this is operational, I will be able to teach the rich people’s children, eventually amassing power and influence. And then once I have that power and influence, I will be as strong as the bishops and perhaps even the Vatican, and they won’t ever dare to investigate the LCWR again.

I know what many of you must be thinking – that such a strategy goes against the gospel message and all. It certainly seems that way, but seriously now – between you and me – the LCWR has gone beyond Jesus, and wasn’t all that interested in that gospel message in the first place. The LCWR has a gospel, of course, just not the one found in the Bible. No, all along the LCWR has desired the power and the influence, but went about acquiring it incorrectly. Once the LCWR learns of my plan, they will pledge their full support, because it will help them reach their ultimate goal: power.

And better fashion sense.

So there you have it, my dear friends. Once the Institute is up and running, I’ll send everyone a link to the website where you can register your children – and then, together, we will lead you down the path to prosperity, a new consciousness, and the soothing embrace of Sophia’s effervescent and influential wisdom.

22 Responses to Sister Patricia: On The LCWR ‘Crackdown’

  • Mary@42 says:

    Your attire, Madam Patricia, confirms to this 73-year old Cradle Catholic that you left the Catholic Church a long, long time ago. You and your LCWR are Apostates. I thank you for publicly declaring who you really are and what your LCWR have been up to all along with these lines :

    “….such a strategy goes against the gospel message and all. It certainly seems that way, but seriously now – between you and me – the LCWR has gone beyond Jesus, and wasn’t all that interested in that gospel message in the first place. The LCWR has a gospel, of course, just not the one found in the Bible. No, all along the LCWR has desired the power and the influence, but went about acquiring it incorrectly.”

    You broke the three Cardinal Vows you took when you received your Habit to become a Roman Catholic Nun : CHASTITY, POVERTY AND OBEDIENCE.

    And since you have confirmed your Agenda was never to serve Christ and to follow His Gospel and remain faithful to His Bride, the One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church, you were never genuine Catholic Nuns from Day One. May God the Father get down to work and prune His Son’s Holy Bride and rid Her of the diseased “branches”, throw them into the furnace.

  • Mary@42 says:

    Bonchamps, this Post might have been just a humorous piece of journalism. But it is trivializing a very grave problem with the Women Religious Congregations of the U.S. particularly the LCWR which has been under investigation by the Vatican.

    I have just read the full Report of the Vatican of the outcome of that Investigation and the Recommendations solemnly approved by the Holy Father and the steps of implementing the urgent Reforms that must be implemented forthwith for the whole leadership of LCWR. The activities of the LCWR as revealed by the Inspectors are horrifying. That whole set-up must be demolished and sanity restored to the revered Consecrated lives of the Catholic Women Religious Congregations of U.S. of America.

  • Tom Murphy says:

    The revolution being fomented by some past and current LCWR members is doing no one any good. In our parish, once a bastion of K-8 Catholic education conducted by devoted nuns, the few remaining discalced sisters, abetted by a few misguided do-gooders, are quickly driving a spike between the faithful. Still, we do appreciate the humor your strew our way; it helps the medicine go down.

  • Mary De Voe says:

    Bonchamps: Yes, there is a Sr. Patricia, and I wish I could write like her. Pointed satire will do as much or more to make the LCWR come around. “into the dike of destiny” “Hey, this is a family blog. ” I wish I could write like that.

  • Sherry Weddell says:

    If you are not in communion with the Catholic Church and do not wish to be in communion with the Catholic Church then leave.

  • irishsmile says:

    Though I realize that many out-of-control, new-age Catholic sisters are a heartache for loyal Catholics, I must admit, I laughed until I cried as I read this little treatise regarding the problem. I have forwarded this on to my son(who is a good priest) and to my other children because we have all been seriously discussing the problem of dissent within the church and perhaps this will provide some comic relief to our discussion!

  • Steve Newark says:

    The sin, of course, is commonly known a “Pride”…the most serious and damaging sin of all sins. In today’s unhappiness called “presumption”, or lack of humility. Look at this dear persons ‘Me’s, mine’s, I’s and you have it. One of many questions to be answered rather than asked is what, pray tell, was this dear woman thinking and believing when she committed herself to a life of service to our dear Lord that she has failed to maintain?

  • Steve Newark says:

    Hey, no joke, I know a 95 year old Nun who considers herself to be an expert on Single Malt Scotch wiskey, she is also well known a leader in the weekly Conga line dance movement movement Ya’ know? They exist for the entertainment of the un-uniformed uninformed. More me’s mine’s and I’s so laughable sad.

  • thelarryd says:

    As the “ghost writer” of this piece, I would just like to point out for newcomers and such, that the tags for this post are as follows: Humor, LCWR, Parody, Sister Patricia.

    Thank you.

  • CameTheDawn419 says:

    Is it proof that I lead a sheltered life, in that I realize that this is OBVIOUSLY a satire, when so many others seem to fall for it? Cause, I mean, people don’t *really* write like this…do they? Or maybe I’ve just been reading Acts of the Apostasy for too long…:-)

  • I don’t know Larry. I think that Sister Patricia might be holding you hostage with a sharp edged ruler and forcing you to disguise the fact that she does in fact exist and is planning a nefarious attempt to kidnap the Pope using a strike force of Elite Gaian Nuns. (Just as soon as those motorized walkers arrive from Cuba.) :)

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