The Catholic’s Examination Of Conscience Guide To The NFL Playoffs
But which teams can Catholics root for, and not be guilty of committing serious sin? If only there was some way of knowing.
Introducing the Catholic’s Examination of Conscience Guide to the NFL Playoffs, measured by the Moral Culpability Scale of Sinfulness, or MCSS, ranging from 1-10, with 1 = anathema sit!, and 10 = holier than the Pope. Teams with MCSS scores of 5.0 or higher are acceptable for Catholics to root and cheer for. If you’re pulling for teams with scores under 5.0, well, you might want to have a chat with your spiritual director before you get penalized for Immoral Procedure.
So let’s look at the individual teams and see how they rate. Keep in mind, this is focusing on teams and where they play, not personnel or coaches or anything like that. Current players are not being considered or mentioned in this examination of conscience. Because I say so.
New England Patriots – a Catholic can be patriotic and still be a good Catholic. However, New England plays in Massachusetts, the land of the Kennedys and Barney Frank and Mitt Romney, a member of the crackpot Mormons. Everyone knows a faithful Catholic can’t vote for a Mormon. Plus, centuries ago, Puritans banned the celebration of Christmas. I’d have to give the Patriots an MCSS score of 1.8.
Baltimore Ravens – Baltimore was granted “Prerogative of Place” in America by the Holy See back in 1858. That’s very good. And their archbishop is now a Cardinal-elect. So that’s even better. But ravens are mean nasty birds. Their genus is corvus, which means absolutely nothing, but I threw that in there for good measure. And – Baltimore was also the city where Charles Curran led a group of priests in dissent of Humanae Vitae, so that’s pretty bad. Their MCSS score is 4.9.
Pittsburgh Steelers – This is easy. “Steelers” is a homonym of “Stealers”, and stealing is prohibited by the 7th commandment. Their MCSS score is 1.0.
Denver Broncos – Archbishop Chaput used to lead the Denver Archdiocese, so that’s a good. And they play in a stadium that’s a mile high, so they’re closer to Heaven. Another good. And Denver hosted a World Youth Day years ago, which is also good. But Broncos are wild, out-of-control horses, and we’re cautioned as Catholics to exert self-control, and not be ruled by our passions. So that’s kinda bad. And while their team colors are ugly, it’s not sinful to wear ugly colors. Their MCSS score is 8.8.
Houston Texans – Well, we’re talking Texas here. State with the most executions. That can’t be good. And Houston is home to a massive abortion complex. That’s really really bad. Omigosh, and just think of all that oil!!!!1!!11!! But Tito lives in the Houston area, so that’s a plus. And they have an excellent leader in Cardinal DiNardo. But, those are not enough, though, to give their MCSS score a big boost. It’s 3.9.
Cincinnati Bengals – When you have the word “sin” twice in your name, you’re already in a deep hole. And the diocese there is…well, they’ve got some problems. They don’t treat bloggers all that well. But, the SonRise Morning Show is produced there. But, Bengals are from India, and as of late, Catholics (and other Christians) have been persecuted in India. That’s a big no-no. Their MCSS Score is a paltry 2.1. (and based on the way the game has gone in the 2nd half, at least you won’t be sinning for more than one game!)
Green Bay Packers – Bishop Ricken is doing a great job in Green Bay. And they have a lot of cheese. Beyond that, I got nothing. So their score is 9.5.
San Francisco 49ers – Being named for a saint helps. But not much. This is San Francisco we’re talking about, where the City Council has perennially been inimical to the Catholic Church. This makes Baby Jesus cry. As to the Gay Pride parades… So they get a 1.0.
New Orleans Saints – Come on, you kidding me? How can you go wrong rooting for a team named after the Company of Heaven? 9.8 on the MCSS (it’d be a 10.0, but there’s that Mardi Gras thing with beads and stuff).
Detroit Lions – Lions ate martyrs. And Detroit was the birthplace of Call-to-Action. And don’t forget about the Elephants in the Living Room. On the other hand, Fr John Hardon lived there, and there was Bd Solanus Casey as well. And the Archdiocese is a veritable bishop factory. Ave Maria Radio is in the vicinity, and the area is also a vortex of fervent faith. So Detroit comes in with an MCSS Score of 7.9.
Atlanta Falcons – Archbishop Wilton Gregory is solid, and the archdiocese is firmly behind Eucharistic Adoration. But, falcons are hunters and hunting means cruelty to animals. Atlanta hosted the Olympics in 1996, and the games are just rife with fornication and whatnot. Bad bad bad. Not to mention the bombings that occurred there. And now the city is a hub for Mexican drug cartels and violence. Their MCSS Score is 2.6.
New York Giants – New York has a Cardinal-elect in Dolan. And Fr Benedict Groeschel is one tough cookie. And the Catholic League too. But it also has the UN, the state’s governor is a poster child for dissent, the mayor is a poster child for the Nanny State, the New York Yankees play there and everyone knows how evil those 1% Wall Street bankers are! And don’t forget about the amoral – maybe even immoral – Madison Avenue advertisers! Shame on you for following the Giants – their MCSS Score is 1.3.
So there you have it. Print this out and keep it handy as you watch the playoffs. Or you can skip all this and just watch the few remaining college football bowl games. Sure, the BCS system is evil, but the games are all good.