Catholarchaeology, Inc.

*NOTE:  The following is a serious article.  There is no parody, satire, sarcasm or intentional humor of any kind.  There is, however, 12% snark content.  You’re welcome, Amawalk John.*

*NOTE#2:  I take that back.  The previous note was sarcasm.  Thank you.*

One way of knowing that a major Christian holy day is soon approaching is by the increased frequency of news reports and History/Discovery channel shows highlighting “incredible!” archaeological finds pertaining to Christianity.  Sure, you can always use a calendar, but just in case yours breaks or gets misplaced, the secular press is right there with reliable quackery to help. They pretend Christianity is non-existent for summer, fall and the second half of winter – but come Advent and Lent, stories that either seek to disprove its claims, or misrepresent them – and sometimes both – are published and broadcast.  It’s the modus operandi of the industry known as Catholarchaeology, Inc.

Back in March, it was the discovery of the “Jerusalem codices” – which ironically were discovered five years ago, and are just now being talked about.  And challenged as to their authenticity, as well.  Big surprise.

Now there’s this story:  Did Journalist Simcha Jacobovici Find THE Nails to Crucify Jesus?

JERUSALEM — Controversial journalist Simcha Jacobovici says he may have found the nails that were used to crucify Jesus more than 2,000 years ago.

He chronicled his Indiana Jones-type search in a new documentary called “The Nails of the Cross,” which was screened today at a news conference in Jerusalem and will be broadcast in the U.S., Canada and Israel in the coming weeks.

Jacobovici presented two first-century Roman nails that were bent “in a way that is consistent with crucifixion.” He contends that these are the same nails found in the burial tomb of Caiaphas, the Jewish high priest who is associated in the Gospels with the crucifixion of Jesus, although he found them at a lab in Tel Aviv University.

I’m not going to post the entire article – feel free to read it – but there’s one fact that bears repeating:  Jacobivici is the same guy who colloborated with James Cameron on the culturally and theologically-challenged “The Lost Tomb of Jesus”.  Remember that?  It aired on Discovery in March 2007…hey!  Whaddya know!  Lent!

Granted – the “discovery” of The Nails That Pierced Christ doesn’t refute any Christian claims.  Still, what better time of year to announce he’s found what could be The Nails That Pierced Christ, right?  He gets publicity and notoriety.  Catholarchaeology, Inc. is in the news!  Although Jacobivici might get some push back from the guy who said Christ was never crucified in the first place

There are less than two weeks before Easter – plenty of time for new catholarchaeological discoveries.  And whatever doesn’t get published in time can be held off until Advent, or next Lent even.  Timeliness is irrelevant when the stories involve trashing Christianity.

The same can be said for originality.  I mean, it’s getting rather tiresome hearing the same thing over and over – “The resurrection was a myth”; “Jesus and Mary Magdalene got married”; “That really wasn’t Jesus on the cross”; “Jesus didn’t really exist”.  Blah blah blah.  If someone’s going to go through the trouble of disproving the claims of Christianity, I really wish they’d come up with some new theories, don’t you? Even the “Jesus was gay” meme is overworked and just dumb.

Speaking of which – here’s the latest entry straight from Catholarchaeology, Inc: Christ depicted as a drug-using bisexual.  It’s not a discovery, but part of the machine nonetheless; it’s a vile work of fiction written by James Frey (the discredited author of A Million Little Pieces), called The Final Testament of the Holy Bible. I’m sure it’ll be a big hit with the religion writers at HuffPo and National Catholic Reporter.

I want new discoveries and new theories to laugh at (smart folks like Jimmy Akin and Scott Hahn can debunk the new discoveries and theories – guys like me just like to laugh at ‘em).  Where are all the smart atheists and secularists with the whiz-bang ideas of how Christianity is fake?  I think Catholarchaeology Inc.  needs some suggestions, so here are mine.

  • “Discover” the rope Judas used to hang himself.
  • Find Mary’s tomb in Ephesus.
  • Joseph didn’t get the Holy Family to Egypt in time, and Herod actually did slaughter Jesus.
  • Christian persecution by the Roman Empire was overstated to garner sympathy.
  • Pilate released Jesus, not Barabbas.
  • “Discover” The Temple Veil, which shows it wasn’t torn in half as claimed by Matthew’s gospel.
  • 1st century Jewish fishing net construction was such that there was no way they could have held 153 large fish, as reported in John’s Gospel.

Got any ideas?  Catholarchaeology, Inc. wants to hear from you!

9 Responses to Catholarchaeology, Inc.

  • Bless their hearts!

    To atheist/Jew/muslim/progressive “scholars”: It is Faith. Christians do not need you to interpret the Gospels for them. We are capable of interpreting Holy Scripture. No other religion is shown the level of hostility as atheists/Jews/muslims/progressive show to Christianity. It continues here.

    Christianity doesn’t need atheistic, Jewish, mohammedan or scientific validation.

    Atheists/Jews/muslims/progressives ought to amend their hateful attitudes toward Christ and Christianity.

  • At this time of the year I always recall this passage from the Screwtape Letters:

    ‘You will find that a good many Christian-political writers think that Christianity began going wrong, and departing from the doctrine of its Founder, at a very early stage. Now this idea must be used by us to encourage once again the conception of a “historical Jesus” to be found by clearing away later “accretions and perversions” and then to be contrasted with the whole Christian tradition. In the last generation we promoted the construction of such a “historical Jesus” on liberal and humanitarian lines; we are now putting forward a new “historical Jesus” on Marxian, catastrophic, and revolutionary lines. The advantages of these constructions, which we intend to change every thirty years or so, are manifold. In the first place they all tend to direct men’s devotion to something which does not exist, for each “historical Jesus” is unhistorical. The documents say what they say and cannot be added to; each new “historical Jesus” therefore has to be got out of them by suppression at one point and exaggeration at another, and by that sort of guessing (brilliant is the adjective we teach humans to apply to it) on which no one would risk ten shillings in ordinary life, but which is enough to produce a crop of new Napoleons, new Shakespeares, and new Swifts, in every publisher’s autumn list. In the second place, all such constructions place the importance of their Historical Jesus in some peculiar theory He is supposed to have promulgated. He has to be a “great man” in the modern sense of the word—one standing at the terminus of some centrifugal and unbalanced line of thought—a crank vending a panacea. We thus distract men’s minds from Who He is, and what He did. We first make Him solely a teacher, and then conceal the very substantial agreement between His teachings and those of all other great moral teachers. For humans must not be allowed to notice that all great moralists are sent by the Enemy not to inform men but to remind them, to restate the primeval moral platitudes against our continual concealment of them. We make the Sophists: He raises up a Socrates to answer them. Our third aim is, by these constructions, to destroy the devotional life. For the real presence of the Enemy, otherwise experienced by men in prayer and sacrament, we substitute a merely probable, remote, shadowy, and uncouth figure, one who spoke a strange language and died a long time ago. Such an object cannot in fact be worshipped. Instead of the Creator adored by its creature, you soon have merely a leader acclaimed by a partisan, and finally a distinguished character approved by a judicious historian. And fourthly, besides being unhistorical in the Jesus it depicts, religion of this kind is false to history in another sense.”

  • I know one of the generic ones they do for Easter talks about the lance of Longinus that contains one of the nails….

  • Aw man, I’ve already seen this movie. It’s from 2001 and it’s called Revelation. In it, they use blood cells from the crucifixion nails to clone Jesus, only they splice in some DNA from a really eeeevil guy also in order to create the Antichrist. Of course, the Church falls for it hook, line and sinker. Boy, did that movie suck. I wonder why they’re remaking it now and calling it a news story?

  • The axe used to behead St. Paul? (No, St. Paul died in Corduba or Hippo Regia or somewhere far away from Rome.) The Acts of Apollos? A first-century letter detailing a meeting between Jesus and Curtius Flatus, explaining how he escaped crucifixion? The erotic poetry of Mary of Magdala?

  • How about discovering Jesus’ tool chest in the back of the holy family’s garage – it would show Jesus wasn’t really a carpenter after all but a plumber. Now that would be really “neato” and finally believable.

  • Next–new documents REVEAL that the Roman Empire never existed! Its a 5th C. AD fabrication by the Roman Catholic Church to explain their name.

  • This reminds me of Chesterton’s Everlasting Man, in which Chesterton points out that a group of Tolstoy fans in their rapturous Tolstoy-hysteria can hardly be expected to start waging war and doing venture capitalist investments- willing even to die for their author’s goals of jingoism; in the same way, the early Christians going on this weird religious trip after following the groovy semi-Pellagian hipster Jesus, who just said nice things sounds either ridiculous, or it sounds like Jesus exclusively hung out with crazy people.
    My conspiracy theory, Jesus was an alien. That explains EVERYTHING!

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