But I’m done with the experiments where my body and soul are placed on the roulette table. I know now that Time is made for love, good works, dying to self for others in order to find one’s true self ,and be able to love yourself despite all that you know about yourself- if that makes any sense to anyone beside myself! The rest of my time on earth is pledged to being spent trying not to take for granted the loves in my life and struggling to develop the loves that should be in my life- really loving all neighbors and enemies is not something that just flows out of me all of the time. Especially for political types like myself, there is a lot of good guy vs. bad guy play that gets out-of-hand very quickly- but for serious Catholics it is just not an option to jettison the Church’s social doctrine, and the demand for the laity to step up and take on social responsibilities. I have to fight injustices, and I have to fight like a little christ- no thuggery, no bullying, no mean-spiritedness- wow- I understand why St. Paul wrote that we are to work out our salvation in fear and trembling- it’s not some momentary commitment to Jesus Christ – it is the rest of your life putting your whole being in the Hands of God so you can fulfill your destiny.
The God of Scripture- the Blessed Trinity- is such a compelling Mystery- a total All or Nothing Proposition- I can’t believe that we try to put this God on trial all the time- we try to use Him when all else fails or we make light of Him when all is well. I have come into the “All” phase of the spiritual life- like being husband and father- it is now cemented in my soul- it cannot be otherwise unless I somehow lose my mind, lose my heart, and thus lose my humanity and soul- God forbid I ever stray from Jesus’ Way for even a minute- I have known Lightness and Darkness- why I ever chose blindness I cannot say- some combination of youth’s folly and demonic persuasion coupled with a weak will and underdeveloped intellect- perhaps that explains much of it.