The Vessel With the Pestle

Hattip to Neo-Neocon.  Hands down the most hilarious sequence in all the films I have seen is the above from the Danny Kaye movie The Court Jester (1955). 

Hawkins: If I die, just pray that I die bravely.

Witch: You’ll not die, you’ll not have to fight him. Griswold dies as he drinks the toast.

Hawkins: What?

Witch: Listen. I have put a pellet of poison in one of the vessels.

Hawkins: Which one?

Witch: The one with the figure of a pestle.

Hawkins: The vessel with the pestle?

Witch: Yes. But you don’t want the vessel with the pestle, you want the chalice from the palace!

Hawkins: I-I don’t want the vessel with the pestle, I want the chalice from the what?

Jean: The chalice from the palace!

Hawkins: Hm?

Witch: It’s a little crystal chalice with a figure of a palace.

Hawkins: Th-the chalice from the palace have the pellet with the poison?

Witch: No, the pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle.

Hawkins: Oh, oh, the pestle with the vessel.

Jean: The vessel with the pestle.

Hawkins: What about the palace from the chalice?

Witch: Not the palace from the chalice! The chalice from the palace!

Hawkins: Where’s the pellet with the poison?

Witch: In the vessel with the pestle!

Jean: Don’t you see? The pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle.

Witch: The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true!

Jean: It’s so easy, I can say it!

Hawkins: Well then you fight him!

Witch: Listen carefully. The pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle, the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true.

Hawkins: Where the pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle, the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true.

Jean: Good man!

Witch: Just remember that.

Random Guard: Sir Giacomo! Sir Giacomo, into your armor! And you, to your place in the pavilion.

Hawkins: The pellet with the poison… the pellet with the poison is in the vessel with the pestle, the chalice from the palace has the true that is brew. Eh… brew that is tru- The pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle, the chalice from the palace has the true that is brew. Eh, eh, brew that is true. Eh. The chestle with the pal- eh, eh, palace with the…

Random Guard: Look out!

[lighting strikes armor, magnetizing it]

Random Guard: Hurry, now, get into your armor!

Hawkins: The pestle with t… the pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle, the palace from the chalice has the brew that is blue. Eh, no… The pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle. The cha- eh, the pellet with the plip… the pellet with the poisle’s in the vessel with the plazzle. Eh, the plazzle with the vlessle. Eh, the the bless… The vessel with the plozle is the plazzle with the…

Random Guard (interrupting): Come along, Sir Giacomo. His majesty is waiting.

Hawkins: The pestle with the poilet…

Random Guard: And take your helmet!

Hawkins: (Muttering “pellet with the poison”) Thank you.

Hawkins: The pellet with the poisley’s from chalice with the pazley.

Hawkins: I’ve got it! I’ve got it. The pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle, the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true, right?

Witch: Right. But there’s been a change. They broke the chalice from the palace.

Hawkins: They broke the chalice from the palace?

Witch: And replaced it with a flagon.

Hawkins: Flagon.

Witch: With a figure of a dragon.

Hawkins: Flagon with a dragon.

Witch: Right.

Hawkins: Did you put the pellet with the poison in the vessel with the pestle?

Witch: No! The pellet with the poison’s in the flagon with the dragon, the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true!

Hawkins: The pellet with the poison’s in the flagon with the dragon, the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true.

Witch: Just remember that.

Hawkins: Yes, thank you very much. The pellet with the chasley, eh… the pellet with the poison is in the pasley with the chazzle. Eh, just remember that.

Griswold’s Lackey: Beware of the drinks. One of them is poisoned.

Griswold: Poisoned! Are you sure?

Griswold’s Lackey: I heard the witch.

Hawkins: The poisel with the plesley is the chaz… eh…

Griswold: The pellet with the poison’s in the flagon with the dragon, the pestle with the pizzle… the pizzle with the f- the, the, the viss…

Griswold’s Lackey: No, no, no…

Hawkins: The pellet with the poisley is the chalice with the… he he (laughs nervously at guards)

Griswold’s Lackey: …Vessel with the pestle.

Griswold: The vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true.

Griswold’s Lackey: Right. Don’t forget it.

Griswold (mutters): The palace with the dragon… no, no, no.

MC: The knights will approach each other!

Crowd: (Cheers)

Hawkins: The pellet with the poisle is in the flaggle with the chalice.

Griswold: The poison’s in the dragon with the pestle.

Hawkins: Eh, ah, the chazzle is in the poisley with the plellice with the plan- eh, plaglice.

Griswold: The pellet with the dragon’s in the pestle with the poi-

Hawkins: The pezley with the poisle is…

Griswold: The dragon with the poisle’s in the pestle…

Hawkins: Pazzle with the fleegle…

Griswold: (Retrieves helmet magnetically held by H’s armor)

Hawkins: The poisley with the plazzle is the plazzle with the ploizle

Griswold: (Mutters)

Hawkins: The chalice with the pa… the flagon with the cha… the floizle with the flagon is the chalice with the poison.

MC: The knights will face the king!

Hawkins & Griswold: (muttering) (sight gags)

MC: They will approach the royal pavilion!

Hawkins: The pellet with the poison’s in the flagon with the dragon!

Griswold: The vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true!

Hawkins: Oh, no, pglk, you’ve got the wrong one!

Roderick: Stop this mockery! There will be no toast! Put them to horse, let them choose weapons, and fight!